The BLTS Archive - Remembrances
by Jennifer Presley (jlpresley@aol.com)

---

Disclaimers: Paramount owns the characters and the ship. The dialogue
that I'm sure everyone recognizes is from "Resolutions" by Jeri
Taylor. What remains is mine.

This is a sequel to "The Bitterness of Loss". It is highly recommended
that you read it first. I am trying to not be quite as cruel to
certain characters this time, but be forewarned, once again it is a
little morose, at least at first.

This is dedicated to Diana, who has been pushing relentlessly for a
sequel-I don't think I would ever have written it, if it wasn't for
you stuffing my mailbox!

---

"NO!" Chakotay sat bolt upright in bed, trembling as the terror of his
dream gradually dissipated into the cool night air. He shook his head,
trying to dislodge his fear as Kathryn turned on her side and placed
her soft hand on his thigh.

"Chakotay, it's all right. I'm here, you're okay." Her calm voice
soothed him, and gradually his breathing returned to a more normal
rate. She pulled him into her arms, and he rested his head on her
chest. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Unconsciously, his hand massaged his right leg. The Doctor had
successfully bioengineered a replacement for the lost lower limb, but
he still occasionally had twinges of pain. "I was dreaming...about
Ulind."

Kathryn bit her lip. In the two weeks since Chakotay had returned to
Voyager, he hadn't spoken much about his time on Ulind. She had chosen
to not force the issue, knowing that he needed time. Time to sort
through the memories and come to grips with them on his own or with
his spirit guide, before talking about them.

"You know that I am here for you, when you want to talk about it,
Chakotay." She gently stroked his cheek. "I love you."

He shifted, enfolding her in his arms. "I know. I love you too." He
got up out of the bed, and pulled his robe on. "I'm going to get a
drink of water, do you want anything?"

Kathryn shook her head. "No, I'm okay." She watched as he moved into
the outer room of her quarters. She hesitated momentarily before
following him.

He was standing by the couch, staring at the stars sliding by. A glass
of water sat on the low table next to him. Kathryn padded softly up
behind him, placing her hand on his shoulder. "Chakotay, please, talk
to me."

Silence reigned, then with a sigh, he sank down onto the couch,
pulling her down beside him. "I'm sorry I'm making this so hard for
you, Kathryn. I know you are only trying to help, but it's been harder
than I ever imagined. I had thought I was going to die, many times."
He stared at his leg. "I almost did. We had engaged the Janami at the
oasis in Narand..."



"Chakotay! Where are the chul'a?" Samla's urgent whisper broke into
his concentration. He turned, squinting to see the rebel leader.

"About 9 yards to the south, Sam. The Janami have them tethered to the
telv trees." Chakotay wiggled his way over to her side. "Since we're
upwind of them, they won't be able to catch our scent." He had found
out the hard way that not only were the chul'a prized as
transportation, but their usefulness as watch 'dogs'. Their last raid
had been aborted when the chul'a had scented their forces, and raised
a stir that had woken the Janami troops.

"Good. We're ready to move in." Samla motioned towards the rest of the
group. "Let's go."

Silently, the rebels slipped out of their hiding places and made their
way into the Janami camp. Chakotay snuck up behind one of the guards
and hit him over the head with his rifle. The guard dropped to the
sand without a sand. Chakotay continued on towards the low shelter
which housed the Janami weapons.

When he reached the building, he found Lenan and one of the other
rebels hurriedly gathering weapons from the Janami supplies. "Hurry.
We have to be out of here before it's time for the sentries to report
in."

Lenan glared at Chakotay over his shoulder. "We are hurrying." The
younger man sneered. "What took you so long to get here, hmmm? Getting
a little old?"

Chakotay sighed. "This isn't the time or place for this, Lenan. If you
want to continue this conversation when we return to base camp, I'll
be more than happy to oblige. Until then, remember that I am in charge
of this mission." He glanced around. "That's enough. Fall back."

Lenan hoisted two bags of their loot. "Yes, nolva."

Chakotay pretended not to notice the implied insult. He had learned
from Samla that a nolva was a slug-like creature that inhabited the
tidal areas of Ulind. They were seen as little better than plants by
the Ulindians, and to be compared to one was the ultimate in putdowns.
Lenan seemed to take great pains in comparing Chakotay to them at any
opportunity.

They moved swiftly towards the perimeter of the camp. Chakotay could
see the others escaping in front of them, when suddenly a shrill
whistle rang out. A sentry had spotted them and was sounding the
alarm. The Janami poured out of their tents, and deadly projectiles
began to fly between the two groups.

Chakotay took cover behind a low sand dune and began returning fire.
Two of the Ulindians, Marsa and Banad hadn't quite made it to safety
and were hiding behind the munitions building. Chakotay began to lay
down strafing fire, and motioned for them to run for it. "I'll cover
you!"

The two began to run towards him, dodging and ducking the enemy fire.
They had almost reached safety when Marsa fell to her knees, crying
out in shock. A yellow stain began to grow on her lower chest and she
stared in shock at the blood on her hands. Banad tried to lift her,
but was hit himself in the shoulder.

Chakotay immediately shouldered his weapon and began to move towards
them. He dimly heard Samla shouting something at him, but ignored her,
hoping that she would realize what he was doing. Crouching low to the
ground, he moved swiftly towards them. When he reached their position,
he gently lifted Marsa onto his shoulder, and helped Banad back to his
feet. Weaving slightly under their weight, Chakotay hustled back
towards the dunes. He had almost reached safety when he felt a burning
erupt in his right leg. He pitched forwards, spilling Marsa to the
ground. Pain blocked out the frantic movement around him, and he was
barely conscious when he felt himself being carried away from the
battle zone.

When he came to, he found himself back inside the resistance
headquarters, lying on a cot. Samla was standing above him, whispering
urgently to someone standing on the other side of the room.

"We can't do that! I don't know anything about his structure."

Chakotay tried to speak, but found his mouth to parched to utter more
than a gasp. "Sam..."

Her attention riveted on him. "Oh, you're awake." She smiled wanly.
"You had us worried, Chakotay. How are you feeling?" She squeezed a
few drops of moisture from a rag into his mouth.

The wetness was a balm to his senses and he swirled it around his
mouth for a moment before swallowing. "My leg hurts." He winced as a
twinge of pain shot through him. When he could speak again, he
motioned towards the door. "How...how are Marsa and Banad?"

Samla looked down at him sadly. "Marsa didn't make it. Banad will be
fine in a few weeks." The leader looked crushed for a moment. "They
were planning on merging their souls after the war was over."

Chakotay closed his eyes, thinking of Kathryn. "I'm sorry. If I hadn't
fallen..."

"No, Chakotay. What you did was very brave." Samla placed a hand on
his shoulder. "You saved Banad, and he will have a chance to lay his
love to rest." She moved over to a table and picked up the med-kit he
had brought from Voyager. "I don't know how to use this to help you."

Chakotay opened it and pulled out the medical tricorder. Aiming it at
his leg, he studied the readings. The bone had been shattered, and the
flesh torn to shreds. Luckily, someone had tied a tourniquet above his
knee and the bleeding has stopped. He hesitated before turning to
Samla. "There is too much damage. We won't be able to save it."

Samla started. "But, what can we do? There are no healers here."

Chakotay began to rummage through the kit. "It will have to be
amputated." He looked up at her again, a glimmer of fear in his eyes.
"I will talk you through it."

"I cannot, Chakotay!" She held up her hands. "Look at me, I'm
trembling. These are too old to perform a task of that importance."

Chakotay hissed in pain as he pushed himself to an upright position.
"I certainly can't do it. Sam, I trust you. Please." He reached out
and grabbed her hand. "Please."

She hesitated before finally acknowledging defeat. "All right."

Chakotay prayed to the spirits for calm. A wave of peace washed over
him, and he handed Samla the laser scalpel. "Use this..."



His voice trailed off, and Kathryn shuddered at the thought of him
having to direct an untrained, elderly woman in such a procedure. "I'm
so sorry I wasn't there for you, Chakotay."

He looked at her, remembered pain in his eyes. "You are here now,
Kathryn. That's all that matters to me." Rising to his feet, he pulled
her up. "Come on. We need to get some sleep before our duty shift."

She nodded, and they moved back into the bedroom. Chakotay shed his
robe, then climbed into the bed. Kathryn lowered herself next to him,
nestling into his arms. He gently stroked her hair as they drifted off
to sleep. This time, no nightmares disturbed his rest.

---

The next morning, Kathryn woke before the alarm sounded. Chakotay was
fast asleep, on his side. She studied his face, marveling at how
peaceful he looked. Lately, the only time he seemed to find any peace
was while he was sleeping. She regretted the lack of a counselor,
especially since Kes' departure.

Rising, she walked quietly into the bathroom to take a shower. She had
finished shampooing her hair when two arms wrapped around her waist.

"Good morning, Kathryn." He nuzzled her clean hair with his nose. "You
should have woken me when you got up."

She turned to face him. "No, I wanted to let you get some more sleep."
She rubbed his shoulder lightly. "In fact, I would prefer for you to
take the day off and rest."

Chakotay frowned slightly. "No, Kathryn. I don't need more rest. I
have six months worth of information to catch up on." Then, a
mischievous grin appeared and he wiggled his eyebrows at her. "Unless,
however, you consent to take the day off...and *rest* with me."

Laughing, Kathryn playfully mussed his hair. "I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the day off, but we'll spend it in the holodeck." Secretly
she hoped the compromise would be agreeable, as she had a special
program she wanted him to see.

"Well, I guess that would be okay." Chakotay sniffed mournfully. "But
my idea would have been more fun."

---

"Computer, activate program Janeway Delta Three. Authorization code
omega chi nine." They stood outside the doors to holodeck one. Both
were dressed in comfortable clothing, and Kathryn carried a small
satchel.

"Which of your programs requires an authorization code, Kath?"
Chakotay queried, then brightened. "It must be something risque, I
hope."

Kathryn hesitated, before turning to look at him. "No, it's nothing
like that, Chakotay. I didn't want you to know what I was working on."
She dipped her head slightly to meet his eyes. "I hope this doesn't
seem too forward, but this is the only thing I could think of."

He narrowed his eyes slightly, comprehension dawning. "No, Kathryn,
please. I can't do this, not right now."

She shook her head sadly at him. "Yes, Chakotay, you can. I'm going to
be right here with you this time." She gently placed her right hand on
his cheek, forcing him to meet her gaze. "I know this is difficult for
you, but if you continue to internalize your feelings, you will only
cause yourself greater anguish." She swiveled back to the control
panel, and the doorway opened, revealing the windswept surface of
Ulind.

Chakotay blanched, staring blindly at the vista in front of them. He
was torn. Part of him wanted to confront his demons, but another part
wanted to turn and run from them. But which part was larger?
Indecision gripped him, until he looked into Kathryn's trusting face.
The love revealed in her expressive eyes astounded him, but he could
also see her fear.

Fear that he would continue to be haunted by his memories. More nights
of him waking in a sweat, of more flashbacks on the bridge.
Intellectually, he knew that they were common after experiences in
battle. But knowing that fact didn't make it any easier. The last one
had scared them both badly...

A strange buzzing reverberated through his head. Chakotay glanced
around the bridge, trying to ascertain the origin of the noise. The
rest of the bridge crew were going about their business, no one paying
any attention to the noise. The noise seemed familiar to him, and as
he concentrated on it, everyone seemed to fade into the background. He
frowned, then suddenly blanched as an explosive blew a gaping pit in
the deck plates in front of his chair.

Cries of terror, of the dying echoed. Suddenly, Lenan was in front of
him, the lower half of his body covered in blood. He was crawling
towards Chakotay, his arm outstretched towards the older man when he
suddenly disappeared in a red haze.

Chakotay shouted for help, as he dragged himself towards safety. He
had lost his crutch while fleeing the wreckage of the headquarters,
and as the Janami advanced steadily towards the fleeing rebels they
spread death and destruction in a wide swath around them. Then, as if
in a dream, Kathryn appeared in front of him.

Her Starfleet uniform was covered in blood, and the right side of her
face was burned. He cried out to her, calling for her to get down,
when she disappeared like Lenan. Chakotay stared in horror, tears
flowing, and he screamed her name. "Kathryn!"

"Chakotay!" Once again, she appeared in front of him. This time her
uniform was immaculate, but she looked...frightened. "Chakotay, you're
on Voyager. I'm fine. You're fine."

He sat up in shock, realizing that he was on the floor of the bridge,
and everyone was staring at him. Kathryn and Tom were kneeling next to
him, and Harry was calling quietly for the Doctor to report to the
bridge. Kathryn's hand was shaking slightly as she gripped his.

"What happened?" He blinked the moisture out of his vision, trying
desperately to reconcile the terror of the moments before with the
knowledge that Kathryn was alive, that he was on Voyager.

"You suddenly started shouting and fell to the floor. Then you
screamed for the Captain." Tom gently helped him to his feet, then
back into his chair.

"It must have been a flashback of some sort." Kathryn crouched next to
him, willing her strength into his body. "Are you okay?"

Chakotay only nodded, before closing his eyes and taking a deep
breath. He tried to find his calm center, to tap into it for needed
composure. Finally he opened his eyes again. "Thank you. I'm sorry I
frightened you, but I'll be all right."

Kathryn rose to her feet, then motioned for him to stand also. Without
taking her eyes off of him, she called out to Tuvok. "You have the
bridge, Lieutenant. The Commander and I are going to Sickbay." Tuvok
acknowledged her order, as they walked slowly towards the turbolift.

Once the doors closed behind them, Chakotay turned to face her.
"Really, I'm okay now, Kathryn. I don't need to go to Sickbay." She
stared at him, the concern on her face easy to read. "Let me just go
to my quarters. I'll contact my guide."

"Only this time, Chakotay. I want you to promise that you'll see the
Doctor if you have another of these."

"I promise, Kathryn." Relieved, he exited the turbolift on the
officers deck.

"Wait, Chakotay." Kathryn stepped out beside him, then pulled his head
down to hers for a gentle kiss. "Don't ever scare me like that again."

"I won't, Kathryn."

That had happened two days earlier, and so far he had been able to
keep his promise. The flashbacks had ebbed for the time being, but the
nightmares were increasing in intensity. Chakotay knew that this
moment had been inevitable, and he turned back to face Kathryn.

"Okay. I'm ready."

She gifted him with a smile, then held his hand in hers as they
stepped into the holodeck. The doors swished closed silently behind
them, and Chakotay found himself in the world that tormented his every
waking moment.

He stood for long moments, gazing at the parched landscape. The dunes
had been his home for 5 long months, and to see them again was
difficult. Memories assaulted him, sensations of terror, of pain.
Above all, an overwhelming dread. He breathed deeply, then jumped
slightly when Kathryn squeezed his hand. He had forgotten for a moment
that she was with him.

Kathryn looked at him, choosing to remain quiet until he had come to
grips with the purpose of the holoprogram. She had given the idea a
lot of thought, and after consulting with the Doctor, had finally
decided that Chakotay would never heal until he faced his memories.
The Doctor had given his condition a name, 'post-traumatic stress
disorder'.

Even the name was ugly. But what it was doing to the man she loved was
even uglier. Chakotay had always been her rock. She could count on him
to back her up, to provide her an anchor in the uncertainty that was
the Delta Quadrant. She had known it, even before he had related it to
her as an ancient legend.

"...The angry warrior swore to himself that he would stay by her side,
doing whatever he could to make her burden lighter. From that point
on, her needs would come first. And in that way, the warrior began to
know the true meaning of peace."

Now it was her turn. He needed her now, and she wanted to help ease
his burdens. To give back to him what he had given her so unselfishly,
on so many occasions.

"Chakotay?" She finally broke the silence. He glanced at her, then
nodded in answer to her unasked question.

"This way." He led her over to the structure that had housed the
rebels. "I expect you've already seen this before."

Chakotay reluctantly released her hand, and made his way over to an
overturned table. He righted it, and picked up the crude maps that had
fallen off the surface. Spreading them out, he recognized the hand
that had made them as Samla's. Even in a simulation, he recognized the
care that her aged hands had taken to make them correct. Their lives
had depended on the completeness of these maps.

"Sam, why don't you let me do that?" Chakotay leaned over the table,
and placed his large hand on her tiny one. She was gripping the stylus
with both hands, trying to overcome the shaking that threatened to mar
the drawings.

"No, Chakotay. I must do this." Sighing, she put the stylus down to
rest her hands. "I know this area, better than you, better than
anyone. I have lived many cycles here, and this is my home."

"What about Lenan? You raised him here, couldn't he perform this
task?" Chakotay pressed her, seeing the exhaustion that threatened.

Samla gave him a rueful smile and shook her head. "Not my son,
Chakotay. Yes, he is knowledgeable enough to create these, but he is
not responsible enough. He is more concerned with relaxing than with
fighting. These maps are the key to our eventual victory. They must be
perfect." She carefully picked the stylus up again, and turned back to
her creation.

He understood now what she meant. Lenan had died because his heart had
not been in the struggle. Samla had known it, and was haunted by the
death of her only child. Chakotay could only hope that time would ease
her guilt. Time, and the knowledge that his death had not been in
vain. In the end, they had won.

He returned his attention to the room. Funny, but it seemed even
smaller now than it had when he lived in the shelter with 14 others.
He began to walk towards the room where he had spent so many sleepless
nights. He heard Kathryn following him, and was waiting patiently for
her just inside his tiny cubicle. She stepped inside, then made her
way over to the cot.

Kneeling down, she carefully raised the mattress with her left hand,
and pulled his medicine bundle out of it's hiding place with her
right. She stroked the hide gently, then stood and held it out to him.
"Harry is the one who found it. When he showed it to me, I thought..."
Her voice broke on a sob.

"You thought I was dead." Chakotay embraced her. Kathryn nodded
against his chest, and he felt the warmth of her tears as they fell.
"I couldn't risk coming back for it. We didn't know if the Janami had
laid booby traps in the shelter, and Samla refused to allow me to
attempt to retrieve it."

She sniffed, then pulled away from him. "As well she should have." A
ladylike snort. "I hadn't even considered the possibility myself."

He frowned at her. "I didn't need to know that, Kathryn."

"Sorry." She brushed the wetness from her cheeks. "Is there anything
else you'd like to look at?"

Chakotay hesitated. "Actually, there is. It's going to sound silly
though."

Kathryn shrugged. "Don't belittle your feelings, Chakotay. The only
way to conquer this is through experience. No matter what the
experience might be."

"I know." He led the way back outside the shelter. "I want to see the
sunset. For once, without having to look over my shoulder." He smiled
shyly. "And I want to experience it with you."

Kathryn felt like crying again. "I would like that."

They moved towards a large rock on the top of the nearest dune.
Chakotay sat on it, and Kathryn nestled herself between his legs. He
wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on her head as they
silently watched the setting sun.

Finally Chakotay stirred, and rose to his feet. "Thank you , Kathryn.
For being here, and for doing this."

She turned in his arms. "How do you feel?"

"Better." He looked down, before meeting her eyes again. "I
feel...free."

"Computer, end program." Kathryn blinked as the darkness disappeared,
and the glowing yellow lines of the hologrid became visible. She
regarded him before speaking again. "We still have a long way to go.
This in no way was meant as a quick fix, an easy solution to the
problem."

Chakotay placed a kiss on her forehead. "I know. But as long as you're
with me, I think I can deal with the memories easier now. I needed a
sense of closure that I hadn't found before."

"I'm not going anywhere, Chakotay. We are in this together, for as
long as it takes. And for a lifetime after that." Kathryn led him
towards the exit. "I love you, my angry warrior."

Chakotay halted, then turned her to face him again. "No, Kathryn. I'm
not angry any more." He silently gave thanks to the spirits who had
delivered him into her hands, as they kissed. A kiss full of hope, of
love. Of peace.

---

The End