The BLTS Archive - Paradise Regained
third and end of, the Paradise Trilogy
by Jennifer Presley (jlpresley@aol.com)

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Disclaimer: Lordy these get really annoying after a while! You know
what's mine, and what's Paramount's. Any questions?

Note: This is the third and last part to my Paradise trilogy.

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It's been two days since I walked out on Kathryn. Two days of guilt
and self-recrimination, and filled with the agony of the knowledge
that I hurt her. I hurt her badly. I haven't seen her at all during
this time, she's effectively barricaded herself behind duty to keep
from me.

I can't blame her. I had no right, no reason to treat her as I did,
and I am so sorry. The only person to blame is myself. My spirit guide
hasn't even shown herself to me, though I have tried for hours on end
to contact her. Even the spirits can see what a mess I've made of
things.

Oh, gods, Kathryn...I miss you so much.

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1900 hours. Sandrine's is packed with joyous crewmembers for our
welcome home celebration. I can't fault Neelix for his enthusiasm for
his self-appointed role as morale officer, though a party is the last
place I want to be at this moment. I just want to go to my quarters,
to get away from the happiness in this room.

But another, larger part of me is afraid to leave. If I leave, I'll
miss Kathryn. I know she's going to put in an appearance tonight, and
I'm desperate for a sight of her. I can only hope that the thought of
facing me again won't be enough to keep her from her crew. My face
burns as I remember my callous treatment of her, of the look of utter
anguish on her face when I left her ready room less than 72 hours ago.

She was right. This never could work in a command setting. Look at the
mess I've made, all from the joy of loving her and the fear of losing
her and what we had found together. How can I face her again? How can
I ever expect her to trust me again?

A murmur hits me, and I stiffen, my hand clutching my unsipped glass
of wine to my chest. She's here. I can feel her presence as she enters
the room, but I'm afraid to turn and look. I'm afraid of what I might
find. Hatred, loathing or even worse. I might find her gaze on me,
empty of emotion, devoid of anything but indifference. I have to turn
around though, I owe it to her. To myself. To this crew.

Slowly, agonizingly so, I turn 90 degrees. My gaze is on the floor,
and it slowly climbs, touching briefly on the curves of her figure in
the blue dress she used to wear all the time on New Earth. (Gods, not
that dress.) My mind wanders ever so briefly, and I think of how
beautiful she looked without a stitch of clothing on, as my hands
gently caressed her willing flesh. I shake my head minutely. I have no
right to those memories.

Inch by inch, I raise my eyes until I finally meet her gaze. She is
standing less than 10 feet away from me, and the sadness visible in
her expression grips my heart with a fist of iron. She is talking to
B'Elanna and Tom, but she is looking at me. I can see the slight
shaking of her hand as it holds her glass, but her eyes are fixed on
me. Only me.

Moments pass, as my withheld breath fights for release from my lungs.
What do I do? What can I say to attempt to repair our fragile
relationship? The ticking of the clock behind the bar tolls out the
seconds that pass as I stare at her, hungrily drinking in the vision
that is my Captain. I haven't been able to tear my eyes away from
hers, and I see the faintest shimmer of tears rising. It's that
moisture that's my undoing, and I turn away.

Moving quietly towards the entrance, I can feel my heart breaking into
a million pieces within my chest. My feet feel disconnected from the
rest of my body, and as they carry me away from my love, I only feel
numb. A deep, bone chilling numbness that slowly invades my
extremities, working inwards towards the hollow cavity that once
contained a heart, a soul. There is a roaring in my ears that drowns
out the sounds of the jubilant crewmembers that greet me, but I don't
hear them.

As I pass through the doorway that connects this bit of the Alpha
Quadrant to the reality of our situation here 70,000 lightyears away
from all that's home to us, I want to turn and take one last glance at
Kathryn. I don't though, because I know if I do, I'd collapse in
tears. (Wouldn't the crew love that?) Slowly, I make my way down the
corridor, walking as if I had aged 30 years in the last 3 minutes.

"Don't you dare walk away from me again."

The sound of her voice, low and threatening, stops me in my tracks. My
heart is pounding as I turn to look at her. She is standing an
arms-length from me, her hands fisted by her sides.

"I'm...I..." Speechless. I'm absolutely speechless.

She advances on me, a hunter stalking her prey. Her voice is menacing.
"Don't ever do that again, Mister." She stops inches from me, her
glare rendering me completely mute. "Unless you want to spend the rest
of the journey scrubbing the plasma manifolds on your hands and knees
with a feather, you won't ever do that to me again."

It's kind of cute actually, how she's repeating herself, and at any
other point in time I may have been tempted to laugh. Not now though.
Captain Kathryn Janeway is as angry as I have ever seen, and more than
I have ever wanted to see. But every iota of sense of
self-preservation I have is screaming for me to keep my mouth shut.

She is glaring at me, her blue eyes snapping. "You owe me an
explanation, Chakotay." She stopped, glancing around as if noticing
for the first time that we are standing in a corridor that is empty
for the moment, but that anyone could walk through at any time. "My
quarters. Now."

Obediently, I follow her to the turbolift. The time of reckoning has
come. She's quiet throughout the short ride, and I still don't dare
open my mouth. I see her looking at me out of the corner of her eye
speculatively, as if wondering if I'm going to disobey her. When the
turbolift doors open she waves for me to get off first, then it is her
turn to follow me as I walk to her quarters.

The doors open and I step inside, for the first time in months, into
her sanctuary. Closing my eyes, I inhale the scent that is so uniquely
Kathryn. I had gotten so used to it when we shared the house on New
Earth, and I have missed it. As much as I've missed the sound of her
laughter, of her hand in mine as we walked through the forest, and of
making love to her under the stars. Slowly, I turn to face her.

She is standing just inside the door, her hands on her hips and her
head cocked to one side as she watches me, watches my reaction to her
room. The anger is gone from her face, only sadness is present. When
she speaks, the energy, the vibrant crackle that personifies Kathryn
Janeway is muted.

"Why, Chakotay?"

Three words are all that are needed. I take a deep breath. "I was
afraid." She looks surprised, but then as my words pour out in a
torrent, I see comprehension flooding her features.

"I was afraid of losing you. I was afraid that I already had lost you,
the moment Tuvok hailed us. I thought that you would insist our
relationship end, that you couldn't endanger your command. That your
devotion to duty and protocol would force me to give you up." I stop
to catch my breath, wondering at my forthrightness. But this is
Kathryn I'm talking to, and she deserves no less than my honesty.

"I'm so sorry, Kathryn. I failed you."

She frowns, then moves to stand next to me. "What do you mean,
Chakotay?" Her eyes are searching mine, looking for something.

"I made you a promise on New Earth. I promised that I would stay by
your side, and ease your burdens. I haven't done that, instead I have
made them worse." Tears were falling down both our cheeks by now. "I
don't know what to say, Kathryn, except that I love you, and I will
regret the pain I've caused you for the rest of my life." My voice
choked, and I stopped, unsure of what to say or do. I couldn't meet
her eyes, instead I stared at her hands as they trembled at her side.
Then ever so slowly, her right hand began to rise until it rested on
my chest, above my heart.

"I love you, Chakotay." Her left hand caressed my cheek. "And I
forgive you."

My head snaps up until our gazes meet. She is crying in earnest now,
and I can see the depth of her feelings revealed in her expressive
eyes. "I love you." Any other words she might have wanted to say are
lost as she pulls my head down, and our mouths meet in a searing kiss.
Groaning, I shift my stance slightly so I can pull her body to mine.
Her arms are wrapped around my neck, holding my head to hers as our
tongues meet in an age-old ritual. I can't believe I'm here, that I'm
kissing her, that I'm holding her once again.

Finally, our chests heaving as we gasp in much-needed oxygen, we break
apart. Her lips are bruised and swollen from the force of our kiss,
and I gently trace my fingers over them as if to ease the pain. She is
smiling at me, and her next words assure me that we will have the
future of which I've dreamed.

"Welcome home, Chakotay."

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End -- Paradise Trilogy