The BLTS Archive - Paradise Lost second in the Paradise Trilogy by Jennifer Presley (jlpresley@aol.com) --- Disclaimers: Paramount owns the good stuff, Jeri Taylor gets the credit for the dialogue I so shamelessly stole from "Resolutions." I get the rest. Note: This is the second in a three-part series. --- "Wake up, sleepyhead." Her voice sounds amused, as I roll over and glare at her from underneath my arm. "C'mon, Chakotay. Get up!" I yawn loudly. "Mmm, Kath, why don't you come back to bed?" Waggling my eyebrows at her suggestively, I grab her hand and pull her down for a kiss. She's laughing as she responds, her lips softening beneath mine. "No, I want to finish weeding the tomatoes today." She stands back up and pulls me with her. She's stronger than she looks, and finally I'm upright. "Now, go get dressed and I'll make you some breakfast." A tired nod as I grab some clean clothes, then I stop. "Wait a minute, Kathryn." Did I just hear what I thought I heard? "Make me breakfast? You can't cook." The memory of the charred lumps she called pancakes rises. "Chakotay!" She sounds aggrieved, then ruins it by laughing. "You don't think I'd make you eat my cooking again, do you? Don't worry, it's just some fruit." She peeks around the corner of the door. "But you know, I should be offended..." A snort is my only answer as I disappear into the bathroom. A quick shower, then I get dressed and go in search of my breakfast. She thoughtfully left it on the table I've been using as a desk, next to the PADD I was working on before she enticed me into bed last night. "And what a night that was...." I laugh to myself, still somewhat in wonder of the fact that she is finally mine. In the week since she followed me outside to welcome the new day, we have spent almost every waking and sleeping moment together. I have never been as happy as I am now. I eat quickly, then wander outside to see what Kathryn is doing. She is lying on the ground, gently smoothing the dirt around the tender shoots of the Talaxian tomato plants we started a couple of weeks ago. We talk for a few moments about them, then I ask her to come inside to show her the plans for the boat I want to build. She seems as excited as I am about the prospect of exploring our world. Suddenly, a long-forgotten sound breaks into our laughter. "...to Captain Janeway. Do you read me?" A sudden chill enters my soul as I walk over to where we stored our comm badges. Returning to the desk, I place them in front of Kathryn. Picking one up, she answers the hail. "This is Janeway." Her hands are shaking slightly. "Captain. It's good to hear your voice." Tuvok sounds as emotionless as always, but I can detect a faint thread of pleasure in his voice. "We have news." "What is it?" I hear the faint roughness in Kathryn's voice. She doesn't look at me. "We have medicine which we believe will effectively treat your condition. We plan to be in orbit within 30 hours." Now, she looks at me in disbelief. My eyes meet hers, I let the breath out I was holding so deeply and blink a couple of times as the realization strikes me that we're not going to spend the rest of our lives together, alone in our own paradise. I know she senses my unhappiness as I smile sadly. In less than 5 minutes, my hopes have been dashed. I know Kathryn well enough to understand that once we return to Voyager, what we've had here is lost. Without saying anything, I move towards my belongings, and start to pack. I hear her conversing with Tuvok for a few more minutes, then silence descends on the home we have shared the past 4 months. I look over my shoulder, and she is still sitting at the table, her fingertips gently tracing the lines of the boat displayed on the screen. I want to go to her, to pull her into my arms and make love to her for the rest of the time we have alone together. But I don't. Instead, I walk past her and out of the house. I need time, time to gather myself and prepare for a lifetime spent at her side, but not with her. To be honest, a small part of me wishes that she'd follow me, swearing that nothing is going to change. She doesn't. When I finally return, there is a small pile of cases in front of the house. She has been busy in my absence, and most of her belongings and all of the scientific equipment has been packed. She looks up at me when I enter, but I ignore her and resume packing. Not one word passes between us during that 30 hour period, until I ask her if she's ready to return to Voyager. It seems odd to be back on board. I take my seat, and listen to her as she deals with Tuvok. Then she addresses me for the first time, and it is as Captain Janeway, not as Kathryn. "Commander, we'll need to review the ship's systems. I'll handle propulsion, environmental and communications. You'll be responsible for sensors, weapons and transporters." "Aye, Captain." As I address her so formally, I feel my heart shattering. "I'll have a report to you by 1800 hours." I tap her orders into the console next to me, as she continues. "Check with phaser maintenance. See if they solved that problem with the prefire chamber temperature." She won't look at me, and I can't look at her. If I did, I'm afraid something inside me would break, and I would beg for things to be the way they were. "Yes, ma'am. I'll see to it." I straighten in my seat, and stare blindly at the stars that are once again visible, to both of us. --- 1800 hours. I hail her, and wait outside the door of her ready room for her acknowledgement. It feels strange to not be able to just enter, but things have changed. We are no longer just Kathryn and Chakotay, instead, Captain Kathryn Janeway and Commander Chakotay have regained their existence. "Come." Her voice is muffled, but even so, I can detect a note of weariness. The door slides open and I step inside, finding her ensconced behind her desk. It is another barrier between us, like the uniforms, the comm badges, and the polite forms of address we have been using. "Here are the reports you requested, Captain." I place the PADD on the desk in front of her. There is a bitter edge to my voice as I speak, and it brings a brief flash of pain to her eyes. "Thank you, Chakotay. Dismissed." Her voice is glacial, but the torment in her eyes causes me a moment's hesitation. She notices, and raises one eyebrow at me. "Was there something else, Commander?" She is careful to enunciate my title. I return her stare, before returning her slight. "No, Captain." Pivoting on my heel, I turn to leave. "There is nothing else I want here, Captain." The lie passes my lips easily, and I hear her quick intake of breath. "Come back here." The anger in her voice only goads me further. Without looking back or even acknowledging her order, I leave. As I enter the turbolift and call for deck 12, a frustrated sigh emerges. I'm so furious, but I know I can't return to my quarters, as that would be the first place for her to go looking for me. Instead, I decide to tour the ship. Blindly, I walk through the myriad of corridors and decks, only absentmindedly acknowledging the excited greetings of the various crewmembers I encounter. My thoughts are wrapped too tightly around the woman I left alone and unhappy. What has happened to me? To us? How could things that were so wonderful, have turned so quickly? Two days ago, I was the happiest man in this quadrant. Now, I am so bitter, so angry. Kathryn seems distant, like we haven't spent the past 4 months stranded together alone. Like we haven't made love time and time again. Like I'm just her First Officer, nothing more. When Tuvok first hailed us, I was scared. I knew that Kathryn still desired to return to Voyager, and I also knew that with her devotion to Starfleet , and her interpretations of protocol and duty, our new-found intimacy would be in danger. And now, due to my fears, I've hurt her. It suddenly hits me, and I stop in my tracks, somewhere on deck 4. That's it. Ever since Tuvok's voice smashed our life on New Earth, I have been holding Kathryn responsible. Unbidden, a wave of remorse rises. Here I am, blaming Kathryn for everything, when I am the one who originally turned my back to her. Even though I love her deeply, I am the one causing the hurt. Shamefully, I recall the look of anguish on her face when she realized what Tuvok was saying. Even after everything we had shared, I still had the audacity to turn my back on her, then blame it on her because I 'knew' what she was going to do. To choose duty over love, protocol over emotions. Her ship and its crew over me. I didn't even give her a chance. I have to talk to her. I have to apologize, to try and regain something of what we had shared on New Earth. Otherwise, I would have lied when I told her the legend of the Angry Warrior. Spirits help me, I have to make amends to her, somehow. --- continued in the third of the Paradise Trilogy -- 'Paradise Regained'