The BLTS Archive - The Bitterness of Loss by Jennifer Presley (jlpresley@aol.com) --- Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom are the lawful owners of the ship and the majority of characters in this story. Whatever is left is my own. Okay to archive on ASC. --- What if? Nights consumed by thoughts and dreams. Tossing. Turning. One thought coming back to me. What if I had allowed myself to love him? What if I hadn't wasted our chance at happiness? Would I be still be alone now? Would he still be gone? Gone. Deserted me. Deserted us. How could he leave? Didn't he say that he would always be there for me? And now, who is he with? Does he still think of me? Does he look up at the night sky, thinking of those who went on without him? What if I had told him? What if I had made him realize how very much I loved him? That I loved him so much that it scared me? That something bad would happen. He might die like Justin. Or be abandoned like Mark. Wait. He was abandoned....... I left him behind. With my heart. --- "Report, Mr. Tuvok." Janeway strode onto the bridge, the bright lights accentuating the haggard lines of her face. Sleepless nights and heartache had taken their toll by ravaging her once smooth visage. Her uniform sagged over her thin body. Paris tried not to stare at her as she took her seat next to Tuvok. Swinging back around to face the front. It wouldn't do to be caught staring at the Captain. Especially not in the frame of mind she had been in the past 4 months. "All systems nominal, Captain. There were no reports of problems from Gamma shift." Tuvok spoke in his normal monotone. "We are proceeding at Warp 6 to Vandis VI. ETA is 14 hours, 13 minutes." "Very good, Commander." Janeway spared a quick glance at the display to her left before standing. "I'll be in my Ready Room reviewing Lieutenant Torres' latest modifications on the warp core. You have the bridge." "Acknowledged, Captain." Tuvok nodded, his eyes straying momentarily to follow his Captain as she left. For a fleeting moment, he allowed sadness to rise, before firmly tamping it down under cool Vulcan logic. Emotions had no place on the bridge. --- "Have you seen her recently?" Tom huddled with B'Elanna and Harry around a table in a dim corner of Sandrine's. The person they discussed was unlikely to hear them, as she had not spent an evening out of her quarters or the bridge since Chakotay had left. "She looks like hell." Harry nodded at the bluntness of the statement. "Neelix said she hasn't eaten in the mess hall once. He tried to take her a tray a couple of times, but she either refused it, or returned it uneaten." B'Elanna looked down at the table, idly drawing designs in the condensation on her glass. "She's taking Chakotay's departure personally. I could kill him for doing this to her, to us." She raised her head, raking her gaze around the room. "Look at us. It's like someone has died. Didn't he realize what this would do the crew, to the Captain." Tom reached over and gently caressed her cheek. "He knew, B'El. But he couldn't leave the Ulindians to fight the Janami on their own. That planet reminded him too much of Dorvan V." He shook his head ruefully. "Can you believe that me of all people is defending him. God only knows he never wanted to give me a chance at first, but I'm the one he chose to confide in before leaving." "Why you? Why not me?" The acrimonious tone in her voice left no doubt about the intensity of her feelings. B'Elanna slammed her hand onto the table, shattering the glass of milk that Tom had forced upon her. "Damn it......." She stared at the blood smeared on the table, as hot tears spilled out of her eyes. --- "Chakotay? Are you coming?" Samla's voice floated across the dunes. The object of her question stood staring up at the night sky, like he had every night for 16 cycles of the sran. Ever since he had joined their ragged group, he had been quiet, not revealing his past, of how he came to join them. She didn't know what he looked for, but she knew that a part of him lived up there, in the heavens. His shoulders raised slightly as he dipped his head to his chest. "Kathryn." He spoke softly, the waves of grief emanating outwards from him. Then sighing, he turned and made his way to the hidden base of the Ulindian resistance and the woman that awaited him there. --- "Captain's Log, Stardate ------. Voyager has been in orbit around Vandis VI for 3 days while taking on supplies. The Vandians have been extremely hospitable, and have allowed the crew some much-needed shore leave. We are preparing to depart in...." Janeway's voice trailed off as she rested her head on her hands. She hadn't allowed herself the liberty of taking shore leave, and had hidden in her Ready Room for hours on end reading reports. *Chirp* She raised her head and stared for a moment at the door, before working up the energy to call out, "Come in." The door whisked open, revealing Tom Paris. He walked in and stood in front of her desk. "Here is the inventory of supplies received, Captain. We are ready to depart Vandis as soon as you give the order." "Thank you, Lieutenant." Wearily, she reached over and took the PADD. "Let me read this and communicate our farewells to Premier Vannaad, then we can leave." Tom turned to leave, then hesitated and stopped. "Permission to speak freely, Captain?" "Not right now, Tom. I know what you're going to say, and I don't think this is the proper time or place..." "Forgive me, Captain, but I think it is. How much longer can you go on like this?" Tom sat down on the chair in front of her desk. His piercing gaze held hers. "The whole crew misses him too, and they see what effect it's having on you. We're all worried about you." Her blue eyes filled with tears, and she wiped at them futilely. "I'm fine, don't waste your energy on me." Janeway stood and made her way over to the view port, where she stared blindly at the blue-green world below. "Chakotay made his choice, and we have to respect it." "Did he tell you why he chose to stay?" "No, and I didn't ask. He was quite capable of making his own decision and there was no point in my asking. It wasn't as if..." Janeway sighed shakily. *As if he was my, what, lover? Boyfriend? Husband? Oh, how I wish I had been strong enough to tell him that I loved him.* Her wandering attention was riveted suddenly on to what Tom had been saying. "....loved you, and I know you love him." "Even if that was the case, Lieutenant, it wouldn't be any of your business." Tom stared at her calmly. "Very well, Captain. I get the hint. Just please, for all of our sakes, talk to someone." Once again, he turned to leave. "Tom, wait." Janeway glanced at him over her shoulder. "How's B'Elanna doing?" "She's doing okay, as is the baby. The Doc says the morning sickness should disappear in a month or so." Tom smiled sadly. "If it's a boy, she wants to name him Chakotay, to give him a tie to the godfather he'll never know." Without waiting to see what affect the statement had on Janeway, he left. Janeway winced, sinking down on to the couch. She knew he didn't mean to implicate her with his words, at least she hoped he didn't. But still, it stung. * It's not like this was my doing. Chakotay chose the Ulindians over us, the family that we have become in the past 5 years. Gods, how I wish we had never gone to that planet in the first place. Maybe then he'd still be here, and I could still tell him..... --- 5 months earlier...... --- "We have established orbit around Ulind, Captain." Chakotay stepped further inside her ready room. The door whisked shut silently behind him, as he made his way over to her desk. Grinning, Janeway sat back in her chair. "Thanks for the update, Commander." Motioning him to sit, she slid a PADD across the desk towards him. "I just finished Kim's preliminary report. It looks like it might be a nice place to visit, though tension seems high among the leaders." Chakotay picked up the PADD and cursorily glanced at the information displayed on it. "Yes, even Tuvok appears to be looking forward to visiting the planet, at least as much as a Vulcan can look forward to something." His eyes twinkled as she laughed. "Of course, it might have something to do with the fact we haven't found an inhabited planet in the last 3 weeks, and so this gives him something to ponder." "So true." Dropping pretense of formality, she leaned forward. "What do you think, Chakotay? Do you think the threat of civil unrest is strong enough to preclude negotiations for food and other supplies?" Sighing, Chakotay rested his hands on the edge of her desk. "I don't know, Kathryn. I'm not very comfortable with the attitudes of the Janami rulers. Of course, that might be because they are so obviously interlopers into Ulind society." Looking at her, he radiated frustration. "If I didn't know better, I would think we had somehow blundered into the Cardassians." "That was the same impression I received." Kathryn frowned. "If it wasn't for the fact that our food shortage is getting so critical, I would just as soon leave and try to find another planet where we could restock." She massaged the back of her neck. "Neelix has done all he can to stretch out supplies, but we'd never last if we can't get some provisions from the Ulindians." Chakotay nodded. "I know. Let's just hope that we can work something out and leave quickly." Standing, he held his hand out to her. "Come on, Captain. Let's get to work so we can get out of here." Smiling, she acquiesced and took his hand. Squeezing it slightly, she got up and came around to the front of her desk. "Aye, aye sir!" She moved towards the door, stopping to face him and placed her hands on her hips. "Just don't forget who the Captain is!" Chakotay pursed his lips as if in deep thought. "Oh, trust me, Kathryn. I could *never* forget who is on top in this relationship." Her sputter of amusement was masked by the opening door, and they made their way onto the Bridge. --- "First Officer's Log, Stardate -----. Negotiations have been going well with the Ulindians. In the 16 days we have been here, there have only have been two incidents of violence on the planet. In both of those occasions, it seems clear to me that the Janami were the aggressors. I look forward to beginning transportation of the various foodstuffs and medical supplies that Captain Janeway has been able to trade for, this afternoon." Chakotay finished his log entry, then leaned back in his chair. Yawning, he scrubbed his hands over his face. Since arriving at Ulind, he hadn't been able to shake the tension created by the situation present on the planet. The Ulindian natives had been under the rule of the Janami for ten generations. No one was sure where they had come from originally, but the obvious differences between the two species were distinct proof that the Janami were not native to Ulind. The native species was humanoid, standing on average of 1.5 meters tall. They had 5 fingers on each hand, but only 3 large toes on each foot. They lived primarily in the arid wastelands inland from the 2 great oceans that covered 60 percent of the surface area of the planet. The Ulindians had evolved a complicated biological system that allowed them to survive on a smaller amount of water, similar to animals that live in the deserts on Earth and Vulcans. The Janami, on the other hand, were avian in appearance and almost twice as tall as the Ulindians. They had coarse clumps of feathers that glistened as if constantly moist. Their 3 eye stalks leant an aura of hostility to them and their treatment of the natives did not help the matter. Chakotay had seen 2 of the Janami beat a Ulind woman to death because she had taken a small amount of water for her sick child. The act had stunned him and B'Elanna, who had also been present at the time. *They are just like the damn Cardassians. Taking what they want and torturing the rightful inhabitants of the planet.* Rising, Chakotay left his office. Things were quiet on the bridge, and beta shift was working, so he left command in Paris' hands. Stepping into the turbolift, he hesitated momentarily before ordering it to the officers' deck. He headed for Janeway's quarters, hoping that she would be awake so he could talk to her. Pressing the chime, he waited patiently to be admitted. "Good evening, Chakotay. Is something wrong?" Her feet curled up beneath her, she sat on the sofa, a cup of steaming coffee and a PADD in her hands. Her short chestnut hair was caught back from her face with a band, and he realized she must have just taken a bath. Breathing deeply, the scent of her vanilla bath oil filled his senses. With a pang, he thought of all the times she had bathed in the tub he had built for her on New Earth. Realizing she was still waiting for him to answer, he brought his attention back to her. "Yes, I'm sorry. I want to talk to you about the Ulindians, Kathryn." He moved to sit next to her and she scooted over to allow him room on the sofa. "Isn't there something, anything we can do to help them?" Sighing, Kathryn placed her coffee on the low table that sat in front of the couch, then turned herself to face him. "I'm sorry, Chakotay, but you know as well as I that the Prime Directive forbids any interference in their internal affairs." "But the Janami aren't a part of the natural evolution on this planet." Chakotay protested. "I think that in this case an exception could, no should, be made." "Chakotay, please. You know the answer to that too. The Janami have been a part of this culture for 10 generations, it's not as if they just arrived a year ago. Regardless of their lack of evolution on this particular planet, they are part of it now and there isn't anything we can do." Kathryn reached over and placed her hand on his arm. "I feel just as bad about it as you, and I know the comparisons between the Janami and the Cardassians are weighing heavily on you. But duty forbids us from involvement." "I know, Kathryn. I just wish I could do something to help them." Chakotay glanced at her as she gave a futile attempt to stifle a yawn. "I'll leave you now so you can get some sleep. I'm sorry if I disturbed you." Kathryn leaned over and kissed him gently on the cheek. "You know better than that, Chakotay. You aren't bothering me, but you look like you need to get some rest also." "Yes, ma'am." Chakotay pushed himself to his feet, stretched, then made his way to the door. "Good night, Kathryn." Her answering farewell followed him out into the corridor as he turned to go to his quarters. --- 0214. Sleep once again eluded him. Frustrated, Chakotay climbed out of bed and grabbed his medicine bundle. Maybe his guide could help him with his troubles. He sat on the floor next to his bed, and spoke the sacred words that would connect him to the spirits. *Welcome brother.* Her breath fanned across his face, and he opened his eyes to find himself in a tranquil glade, the wolf sitting next to him. Her great golden eyes stared deeply into his. *What troubles you so greatly?* "The injustices on this planet. I can't sleep because of the reminder of my home." Chakotay spoke, his words weighing on him heavily. "I don't know what to do, because Kathryn says that we can't aid the Ulindians in their struggle." *Ah, Kathryn. She has not visited us in a great while. You say that she won't help these people?* "No, it's not that she won't, but that she can't. Her duty as a Starfleet Officer precludes involvement in this situation." Chakotay cocked his head, staring into the distance. The wolf curled up next to him, as if to lend support to his body. *What about you, my brother? What about your duty?* "My duty? I don't understand." Curious, Chakotay once again met her gaze. *Yes, I think you do. You must act as your heart tells you, for only then will you be at peace.* The wolf shook her head knowingly. *What does your heart say?* "My heart....is telling me to help. My conscience however, tells me to listen to Kathryn." His head fell forward. "Heart versus conscience. It's not an easy choice to make. If I choose to help them, I will have to leave my friends, my home. My love..." His voice choked, Chakotay stopped. *Follow your heart, brother. For if you do, the rest will come.* She stood, nudged him gently with her nose, then turned and loped away. Chakotay watched her leave, as tears streamed down his face. He knew what choice he would make. *Please let Kathryn forgive me.* --- "Commander Chakotay, I would like to speak to you in my Ready Room immediately." Janeway stomped onto the bridge, the storm clouds visible in her eyes. She was carrying a PADD in her right hand, and only Tuvok noticed how badly that hand was shaking. Tom and Harry exchanged confused glances as Chakotay rose to his feet and followed Janeway into her sanctum. "What was that about?" Tom whispered, but Harry could only shrug his shoulders. Whatever it was, could not be good. The last time they had seen her so angry was when Chakotay had disobeyed her and rescinded the agreement with the Borg. --- "What is the meaning of this, Chakotay?" She sat in the chair behind her desk and threw the PADD onto the surface. It skidded across towards him and came to a rest just shy of falling off the edge. He didn't need to look at it to know it was his resignation notice he had sent to her that morning. "It's exactly what it says, Kathryn. I'm resigning, and I'm going to stay here on Ulind." His dark eyes rose to meet her blue ones, he was astounded by the depth of feeling revealed in them. "Damn it, Chakotay. How can you do this to the crew?" To me? Her unasked question was evident, and the hurt behind it cut him to the quick. "I'm not doing it to hurt you, Kathryn, or the crew. I'm staying to help the Ulindians." He fixed his eyes on a point just below the pounding pulse point in her throat. "Effective this afternoon, I will be leaving Voyager." Kathryn stared at him, her mind working overtime in an attempt to come up with some type of compromise. "What are you going to do?" The corner of his mouth quirked up in a half-smile. "I've spoken to the leader of the resistance, a woman named Samla. She has made it clear that any tactical knowledge I can offer them is desperately needed. Their force is small, but gaining in number rapidly. They need someone who has experience in fighting, and I happen to be fairly proficient in that area." "It's your choice, Commander. You realize however, that I can do nothing to help you." "Yes, Captain." Rising, he faced her for the last time as a member of her crew. Then reaching up, he removed his rank bar and placed it on the desk. "I'm sorry, Kathryn." He gave her one last sad smile, then left. Her hand trembling violently, she picked up the rank bar, turning it over in her fingers. Then, she pressed it to her lips as tears fell from her eyes. "Goodbye, Chakotay." --- "What are you doing, Chakotay?" B'Elanna tore into his quarters, the scowl on her face proof that she had heard the news. Without looking at her, Chakotay continued to pack his bag. "I'm leaving, B'El, but I guess you know that already." B'Elanna bit back her initial reply. "You...I can see that. What I want to know is why." Chakotay finally turned to look at her. "I have to, B'El. It's something that I have to do." He looked down at the floor before continuing. "I'm just sorry you found out before I could tell you myself. Speaking of which, how did you find out so fast? Even for the rumor mill on Voyager, this is pretty quick." "I went to give the Captain the report she wanted on the warp core." She sank down onto the bed. "She was upset, and I could tell she had been crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said you were leaving." A pause. "How can you do this to her, Chakotay?" "I'm not doing this to hurt her. I'm doing this because I have to." "But why?" B'Elanna struggled to hold her emotions in check. Sighing, Chakotay crouched in front of her, and took her hands in his. "I love you, B'Elanna. You are as close to me as a sister. I'm sorry that I haven't told you that recently." She exploded upwards, knocking him off-balance. "Then WHY??" Her voice broke, and she ran out of his quarters straight into Tuvok. "Lieutenant?" Tuvok inquired, raising his brow at her. Growling at him, B'Elanna fled before the tears started in earnest. Tuvok watched her abrupt departure before turning and rang the chime on Chakotay's door. "Come in." Walking in, Tuvok found Chakotay closing the case on his belongings. "I have come to bid you farewell, Commander." Tuvok handed him a small satchel. Opening it, Chakotay found a phaser and a couple of extra power cells. "Tuvok, what is this for? You could get court-martialed for this." Poker face never wavering, Tuvok replied. "The phaser was lost when Ensign Neeley was killed. I was unable to retrieve it." Chakotay smiled wryly. "I thought Vulcans couldn't lie." "Vulcans choose not to lie. It's not a matter of ability. And it's partially the truth. Ensign Ayala retrieved the phaser, not myself." "Thank you, Tuvok." Chakotay hid the small bundle in with the rest of his meager belongings. "I have enjoyed working with you these past 5 years, Tuvok." He turned and held out his hand. "Promise me that you'll take care of Kathryn." Tuvok hesitated, then shook the proffered hand. "I shall endeavor to do so, Chakotay." He raised his right hand. "Live long and prosper." "Goodbye, Tuvok." --- Taking one last look around his empty quarters, Chakotay picked up his belongings and turned to leave. *Chirp* "Come in." Groaning, Chakotay mumbled to himself. "Now, who?" Tom entered, holding a small case. "This is from the Doctor, Chakotay." Handing it to him, he shrugged. "It's a medical tricorder, hyposprays and some medications he thought you might need." "Tell him thank you for me, please Tom." Chakotay looked at the younger man, a serious expression on his face. "Actually Tom, I'm glad you came. I need you to do something for me." "What?" Tom asked. "I want you to keep an eye on B'Elanna for me. She's not taking this very well, and since she is so adept at hiding her feelings, she's going to need someone to pull them out of her." "You know I will do everything I can for her, Chakotay. I love her." Tom spoke frankly. "But I think it would help her to understand why you are doing this." Motioning him to a chair, Chakotay walked over to the view port, staring out at the stars. "They need my help, Tom. The Ulindians are not capable of overthrowing the Janami by themselves. I can help them, and my heart is telling me to stay." He turned to face Tom again. "My guide agrees that this is the right thing for me to do. I don't mean to hurt B'Elanna,or the Captain." Tom nodded. "I understand, and I'll do my best to help them understand also." Rising, he crossed over to Chakotay. "I'm going to miss you. I know we haven't always gotten along, but I'd like to consider you a friend." Chakotay grinned, then pulled him into a quick hug. "Likewise, Tom. I'm sorry for giving you such a hard time at first. I think we've both changed, and for the better." He grabbed his bag, and the two men left his quarters. Leaving Tom to check on B'Elanna, Chakotay made his way to the transporter room. Various crew members came up to him to say goodbye, and by the time he reached his destination, he was near tears. He walked in to the transporter room, and to his surprise, found Kathryn waiting for him. "Kathryn. I didn't think I'd see you again." Chakotay was at a loss for something to say. She looked like the wind had been knocked out of her, sadness present in her gaze. "I felt that since I welcomed you onto my ship in the first place, I would see you off. I'm sorry that it has come to this, Chakotay." She halted, then up at him. "I don't know what I will do without you. As an officer, and as a friend." *We could have been so much more...* Chakotay drew her into his embrace. "I'm so sorry I'm hurting you, Kathryn." He held her for a moment, breathing in the scent of her hair. It felt so good to be holding her, and he regretted that it would take an event of this magnitude to allow him to be doing so. Kathryn gripped him tightly. Her heart was breaking, and she knew that she would remember this moment for the rest of her life. Time seemed to stand still, and finally she pulled away. "You had better go." Chakotay nodded, then stepped up onto the transporter pad. "I'm ready." She walked over to the controls, and began the process to transfer him to the planet's surface. Just as he began to dematerialize, he called out to her. "I love you, Kathryn." Her startled eyes met his, and she opened her mouth to respond, but it was too late. He was gone. *I love you, Chakotay. Oh god, how I love you.* --- 5 months later..... --- "...and this riverbed leads directly into their main encampment at Aslamar. Force A will steal into the camp and disarm the sentries. Force B will follow afterwards and round up the leaders. Any questions?" Samla directed her gaze around the small group of resistance fighters that were gathered around her. She nodded as a young man with a large scar running down his right cheek raised his hand. "Lenan?" "Whose idea was this? The whole thing sounds like a nolva's idea." He smirked as the rest of the group save Samla and Chakotay laughed. Lenan knew exactly whose idea it was, and since he had decided Chakotay was the enemy, he had taken out his frustrations on the older man. Stoically, Chakotay bore the brunt of the jokes. He knew that Lenan felt threatened by his relationship with Samla, and the role that he played in the resistance hierarchy. The younger man's hatred reminded him of Seska, and her hatred for Kathryn whom she saw as having replaced herself in his affections. How little she had really known him. And Kathryn...Had she any idea of how much this decision had cost him? Not only had he lost her, his friends and his home, but during the last battle with Janami, he had lost his right leg below the knee. Sighing, he stared down at the stump that remained. He was lucky to even be alive, and that was only due to the meager medical supplies that the Doctor had given him. The Ulindians' lack of trained healers had meant that Samla had been the one to amputate the shattered limb, and that Chakotay had to talk her through it. If he had been on Voyager, undoubtedly the EMH would have had him up and around on his own leg within days. "Lenan, that was uncalled for." Samla exchanged glances with Chakotay before continuing. "I think it is a sound idea, and if it will allow us to gain weaponry, we have to go through with this plan. We aren't going to last much longer if we can't rearm ourselves. Now, I want you all to get some rest, we leave here in 5 hours." Grumbling, Lenan turned and left. The rest of the group trickled out slowly, many of them stopping to get advice from Chakotay about the forthcoming mission. Finally, the room was empty, and Samla walked over to him. "How are you feeling, Chakotay?" Her troubled eyes raked over him. Ever since the fire fight at Narand, he had retreated further into his shell. He was having nightmares, spending his nights restlessly tossing about. From her cot, she could hear him calling for someone named Kathryn. Samla was beginning to worry that he would never fully recover from the loss of his leg. "I'm okay, Sam. It actually doesn't hurt that much tonight." A small lie, but one that would hopefully appease her. Chakotay didn't want the resistance leader to spend her precious energy on him. The elderly woman had too many concerns and keeping her son in line sapped most of her strength. Lenan was becoming ever resentful of his mother's role in holding them together, and was lashing out at her whenever possible. Smiling inwardly, Chakotay stared at the woman as she gathered up the maps. Like most Ulindians, Samla was slight, her head only coming to the middle of his chest. Her pale violet hair gave her the appearance of a woman much younger than her 110 years. Her unconscious grace and command reminded him of Kathryn, and he wondered if this is how Kathryn would be at that age. The two women were remarkably similar, both fighting to keep their people together and working towards a common goal. The only difference was Kathryn was fighting to get her people home, and Samla to regain her people's ancestral home. "I know better than that, Chakotay. Remember, these eyes have seen much misery and I can read you as if you were my own son." Samla approached him and offered her arm. "Come on, we both need to rest." Chakotay picked up the crutch he had carved out of a piece of telv, and carefully took her offered assistance. He knew how ridiculous they must look, but he was always careful to not hurt her. Samla would have been offended if he had refused her help. "Thank you, Sam." Chakotay gratefully sank down onto his cot. "Don't forget to wake me before you leave." He hadn't slept in 3 days, working hard to painstakingly organize the raid on the Janami camp. Since he couldn't go with them, he had made it his responsibility to plan out and account for any eventuality that might arise. So far, they had been remarkably lucky, but he knew that it was only a matter of time before the Janami came after them with a vengeance. "I will, Chakotay." Smiling, she nodded to him before she turned and went into her small cubicle. He heard the rustling as she lay down, and waited a short time before he heard her breathing settle into sleeping rhythms. Then, quietly, he forced himself onto the floor and pulled his medicine bundle out from beneath his mattress. Setting it in front of him, he opened it and gently pulled out the contents. After arranging them carefully, he placed his hand on the akoonah. "A-koo-chee-moya..." *Brother, it has been a long time.* The wolf blinked at him, and he nodded regretfully. "Yes, I'm sorry. So much has happened since we last spoke." Chakotay waved his hand at his missing leg. He had hoped that in the spirit world, he would once again be complete, but it appeared that it was not the case. "The fight has been hard the past month." *But your struggle is going well?* "Yes, I think it is. I feel like I am finally making a difference here. These people remind me so much of home and of my own people." Chakotay reached out and gently ruffled the fur on her back. The wolf chuffed at him. *Then you are content that you have stayed?* Chakotay replied. "Yes, sister, I am." Longingly he stared at the sky. "I still miss Kathryn, B'Elanna and my friends, but I know I made the right decision." He hesitated before looking at her again. "Do you know how they are doing?" *They are alive, but that is all I will tell you.* Rising, she faced him a final time. *Remember to follow your heart, brother.* "I remember." Chakotay began to return to awareness, then packed up the precious contents of his bundle and replaced it under his mattress. Grunting with effort, he managed to pull himself back onto the cot, before finally giving into his need for sleep. --- "Captain's Personal Log, Stardate -----. Since leaving Vandis VI, I've begun to believe this entire mission was cursed. We have had nothing but problems, and now the warp core is off-line, due to a misalignment in an antimatter flux inhibitor. B'Elanna has her entire staff wishing they had never set eyes on her. The pregnancy is not helping matters, as the morning sickness has gotten worse. The EMH finally removed her from duty, until it disappears, which means that she is finally made the EMH's hololife miserable. And yesterday, we met with a couple of Honid traders who, in the course of their visit, informed us of the havoc on Ulind. Fighting has broken out in earnest, and from their reports, has been extremely bloody. I can' t help but wonder about Chakotay. The Honids did not know anything about him, but my gut instinct tells me he is in trouble." --- I give up. I can't eat or sleep, the not knowing is killing me. If only we could go back, but I can't ask the crew to do that. They have already given up so much, and losing the last 6 months of progress, I can't do that to them. Chakotay.....how I wish you were still here, by my side. If only I had listened to you, to my heart, we might have had a chance. Tell him...how many times have I heard that? From Kes, from B'Elanna, from Tom. Tell him how much he meant to me, how my life revolved around him. How the sight of his smile made me melt inside. But I couldn't. I'm the Captain. With that title comes so much pressure, responsibility. I wouldn't allow myself to do anything to jeopardize my command. What do I have to show for it? A crew just shy of mutiny, a ship that seems determined to become my Titanic, and a broken heart. I have made my bed, and I hate it. I hate myself. --- *Chirp* Janeway rolled her eyes at the interruption. She was never going to get through the stack of reports if they continued. Grudgingly, she called. "Enter." Tuvok walked, his expression not giving any hint of his mission. "Captain. Lieutenant Carey reports the warp core has been restored to full power. We can go to warp at your command." "Thank you, Tuvok. That's the best news I've heard all day. I'll be right out." Janeway returned to the PADD, looking up after a moment when she realized Tuvok had not left. "Was there something else?" Tuvok seemed to vacillate before answering. "Yes, Captain." He walked over to her desk and she motioned for him to sit. "I need to speak with you about the crew." "What about the crew? Is there something wrong I should know about?" "The sentiment in the crew has been worsening over the past week. The news from the Honid traders has been the main cause. I was asked to come and speak to you about it." Tuvok met her glance squarely. "The crew has voted to ask you to return to Ulind." "They what?" Janeway stared at him, not quite believing what she had heard. "But..." "The crew voted unanimously to return to Ulind and find Commander Chakotay." He repeated himself. "I said I would present this information to you." Stunned, she could only gape. "What about the time we would lose? Don't they realize it will take over 5 months to return to Ulind?" "Yes, Captain, they do." "What about you, Tuvok? I know you have an opinion on the subject." Janeway bit her lip as she waited for his reply. Tuvok nodded. "I do, Captain. It is my opinion that we should go back. I would not have approached you if I did not concur with my crewmates." "Th..thank you, Tuvok. I need to think about this." Unsure, Janeway swiveled in her chair to face the stars. "I will be out in a moment." "We will be awaiting your orders, Captain." Tuvok returned to the bridge, leaving her alone with her thoughts. *Have I really been this blind to them? How could I have not seen this coming? My crew, my wonderful crew. To give up so much for one man. Can I allow the sacrifice? How can I be sure I am not doing this for my own selfish reasons? What do I do?* Then suddenly, Janeway knew exactly what she needed to do. Leaning over, she reached into the bottom drawer on her desk and pulled out the medicine bundle that Chakotay had given her on New Earth. She got up and walked over to the couch, hoping that she could remember the words he had taught her. It had been so long. *Sister, welcome back.* The voice of the tiny salamander filled her with a forgotten joy. *I was beginning to think you had abandoned us.* "I have been remiss in this, my friend." Janeway sat on the green grass, the wind gently stirring her hair. She reached her hand out, and the salamander stepped onto it. "I need your advice." *I know, and I know what you seek. You want me to tell you that what you desire is right.* The salamander scampered up her arm and perched on her shoulder. *I cannot tell you what is right or wrong. You must do as your heart tells you. Only when you do, can you be assured that it is the right thing to do.* Janeway breathed in, joy filling her soul. "Then, I am not being selfish?" *Only you can answer that, but if you are truly following your heart's desire, then all will be well.* The salamander began to disappear, his words following him. *Follow your heart, sister." Tears welling, Janeway stood. Her decision was clear, and as the crew had granted their approval, she knew that she was making the right choice. --- Paris glanced at Tuvok as he left the Captain's Ready Room. The Vulcan nodded to him, the proposal had been made. All that was left to do was to wait for the Captain's decision. "Torres to Paris." "I'm here, B'El. What's wrong?" Tom turned back to face his console, keeping his voice low. "Well? What's going on?" She sounded cranky and he smothered a grin at the thought. "Tuvok just returned, and..." The sound of the door opening cut him off. "Wait, hon. Here she comes." Tom shifted his seat around to stare at the Captain as she walked onto the Bridge. There was a spring in her step that had been missing, and she seemed like a heavy weight had been removed from her shoulders. Striding forward to stand in front of her command chair, she nodded to Kim. "Harry, please open a shipwide channel." When he indicated it was ready, she began to speak. "This is Captain Janeway. Commander Tuvok has made me aware of your concern, and I thank you for your generosity of spirit. After a great deal of thought, I have decided to grant your request, and return to Ulind. I am ordering maximum warp to shorten the journey to 3 months." The rest of her speech was drowned out by the deafening cheers that broke out among those on the bridge. Janeway took her seat and smiled at Tuvok. He returned her glance, the approval in his eyes showing. Nodding, she called out to Paris. "Tom, set course for Ulind." Grinning, he saluted her snappily. "Yes, ma'am!" He quickly input the course change, his finger hovering over the final button. Looking over his shoulder, he awaited the order. Returning his smile, Janeway gave him permission. "Let's get going, Mr. Paris." --- "Captain's Personal Log, Stardate -----. We have been in orbit around Ulind for 2 days now. The utter devastation present on the planet astounds me. It appears that the battle between the Ulindians and the Janami escalated into an all-out war, and I'm not quite certain yet which side, if either, was victorious. We have been unable to scan the planet thoroughly because of a massive dust cloud that covers most of the primary land mass. It appears that an explosive device utilizing a fusion warhead is the cause. I can only hope that Chakotay is alive down there among all the horror. Due to the amount of radioactive fallout present in the upper ionosphere, it will be another day before a shuttle can be sent down to search for him. I want to be on that shuttle if at all possible, but I know Tuvok will argue with me. I can hear it now, "Captain, it would be illogical to place yourself in danger." It might be illogical, but it is the right thing to do. I owe it to Chakotay, and myself." --- "Captain, you had better strap yourself in. It's going to be a bumpy ride." Paris' hands flew over the piloting console on the Sacajawea. "We're ready for departure." "Janeway to Tuvok. Keep my ship safe for me. We'll report in every 4 hours." She worked at keeping the nervous tremble out of her voice. "Acknowledged, Captain. And, good luck." "Janeway out." She nodded. "Take us out, Tom." Smoothly, the shuttlecraft lifted off the deck, then arrowed out into space. Tom flew it past the bridge in salute, then arrowed it towards the waiting planet. Janeway stared at it in dread, hoping the layer of dust that still was settling on the surface had not become Chakotay's death shroud. *What if we had pushed the engines to the maximum safety limits? Would we have been able to stop this from happening? Please, let him be alive. Let me tell him how I feel.* "Captain?" Mentally shaking her morbid thoughts out of her mind, Janeway turned to the rear of the shuttle. "Yes, I'm sorry, Harry." He was staring at her curiously, he must have had to repeat himself to get her attention. "I just wanted to let you know, I finished modifying the tricorders to enable them to cut through the interference from the radiation." He handed one to her. "Luckily though, I don't think it will pose much of a hazard. From what I've been able to scan, the high-level currents are rapidly dispersing the radiation into space. The levels have already fallen 65 percent from when we first arrived." "Thank you, Harry. " Janeway accepted the instrument gratefully. "Now, Tom's right. I want everyone to strap in for the descent." Harry nodded, then moved back to sit next to Ensign Michael Barlow and Seven. Then she fastened her restraints and braced herself. The entry into Ulind's atmosphere was easier than they had hoped, with only a small amount of turbulence. There were a couple of hard jolts but Tom had piloted the craft easily, and within minutes they were cruising over the area Chakotay had been beamed to last. "Scans aren't showing any life signs. Let's go ahead and land, and see if we can't find anything that might lead us to the resistance." Janeway frowned, the lines in her forehead pronounced. "Okay." Tom gently eased the craft to the ground, trying to avoid disturbing the thick layer of dust as much as possible. Janeway stood, and moved past the others. Grabbing onto a breathing mask, she cracked the hatch and stood, staring out at the surrounding area. The sun beat down hard, as if trying to further scorch the landscape. A dilapidated shelter stood 100 meters away, partially hidden beneath a grove of telv trees. Anyone searching for it from above would never have found its hiding place. Resolutely, she started out towards the structure. "Wait, Captain." Ensign Barlow ran in front of her, his phaser out and ready. "Let me go first." Sighing, Janeway acquiesced. Tuvok had finally given into her demands to go with the scouting team, but only if she took a security officer with them. The problem arose when Tuvok insisted that the officer be able to bar her from any activity that he deemed dangerous. They had fought over it, but finally Janeway had given in. Entering the low building, they found it in shambles. There had obviously been a struggle, as the furniture was overturned and there were dried areas of yellow blood. Tom gave a low whistle as he stared at the mess. "It looks like there must have been quite a struggle." He pulled out his tricorder, then began to search through the rubble. Janeway ordered them all to spread out, and begin looking for any clues to the former occupants. She moved into one of the larger rooms and began her own digging. "Captain!" Harry's excited cry startled her, and for a moment her heart stopped beating. Standing, she picked her way through the debris, and into a small alcove, where she found him crouched by a cot. He was holding something in his hands. Gasping, Janeway sank to her knees and numbly took it from Harry when he handed it to her. It was Chakotay's medicine bundle. Her shaking hands caressed the hide, picking out the shapes of the familiar objects inside. The Akoonah, the stone, the black bird's wing...all were there. "It's his, isn't it?" Tom's hand materialized on her shoulder, offering comfort. Wordlessly, she nodded. She knew then he must be dead. If he was still alive, he would never have abandoned it. Closing her eyes against the despair that threatened to burst out, she clutched it to chest. Tom and Harry quietly moved out of the room, leaving her with her dreams shattered at her feet, shards of a future that she would never know. --- Fragile was not a word that Tom would ever have used in describing Janeway. But in that moment, her shell had cracked and he had glimpsed the extraordinary pain in her soul. He motioned for Harry to follow him out, and they left their Captain to her privacy. Walking into the outer room, they found Seven and Michael waiting for them. "Let's go outside and wait for the Captain." Tom suggested. The others followed him out, Seven casting a curious look over her shoulder towards the room where the Captain remained. The sun had started to set, casting purple shadows across the sea of dunes. It seemed surreal to Tom, almost as if the world was mourning the loss of life. He stared moodily off into the distance, trying to decide how he was going to break the news to B'Elanna. Lost in thought, he almost missed the object that moved slowly in the distance. "What the hell?" He pulled out the tricorder, but the object was too far away and he couldn't get an accurate reading. "What is it, Tom?" Janeway left the shelter, still holding onto Chakotay's medicine bundle. She had aged in a matter of minutes, her shoulders slumped once again. The twinkle that had come back to her eyes over the past 3 months had once again disappeared. "There's something out there, Captain, but I can't tell what it is." He pointed to the east, towards a large rock outcropping. Seven turned and looked where he was pointing. The Borg implant allowed her better visual acuity than the others possessed. "It appears to be a Ulindian native." Janeway hesitated, torn between returning to the sanctuary of Voyager or investigating further. Finally she decided that if it was a member of the resistance, he/she might be able to tell them what happened to Chakotay and whether his body was recoverable. "Let's go check it out. Seven, Harry. I want you to stay with the shuttle, I don't want to leave it unattended. Who knows who else is hiding out here." She handed the bundle back to Harry, then turned and began walking towards the outcropping. Tom and Michael hurried to catch up with her. As they got closer to the rocks, Tom pulled out his tricorder and began to scan their surroundings. "I'm reading at least 3 Ulindians, near a small cave. I can't scan the interior because there is some type of mineral present in the rocks that is reflecting the tricorder's sensors." "Understood." Janeway slowed fractionally. "Careful, they've spotted us." She used her chin to point towards the figures that had gathered in a small group in front of the entrance to the cave. The Ulindians were pointing and gesticulating wildly at them. Her eyes narrowed, she tried to assess any hint of danger. Finding nothing, she strode towards them slowly, her hands out from her sides to indicate her friendliness. Abruptly, she came to a halt, her breath leaving her body in a gasp. An apparition appeared in the midst of the Ulindians. A vision of a man, dark hair shining in the last light from the sun. "Chakotay...." She whispered. It couldn't be. Her heart pounded, the sound of blood rushing through her veins filling her ears, blocking out any sound. It was him. He was standing less than 50 meters from her, the surprise on his face turning to elation. She continued to stand and stare at him, her mouth forming his name soundlessly. He moved towards her, stopping when she noticed the crutch that held him up. Anguished, Janeway's gaze found the stump that was all that remained of his right leg. Looking back at him, she found apprehension on his face. Even having been apart so long, she could still read his emotions clearly. The dread that she wouldn't accept his impairment. Fear that she would leave him again. And the love that underlaid all of the fear. Tears fell unnoticed from her eyes, and she began to run towards him. Bracing himself against a rock, Chakotay dropped his crutch and enfolded her in his arms. "Kathryn, oh my god. Kathryn." He closed his eyes, relishing the feel of her in his arms. She was sobbing, calling his name over and over. Gently, he stroked her hair, his own tears falling on her. "Shh. I'm okay." He raised his head to acknowledge Tom and Michael, who were both grinning, watching the two of them embrace, before returning his attention to the woman he loved above life itself. Gradually, her sobs eased and she pulled back enough to look up at him. Devotion shining in her eyes, she raised herself up onto her toes and kissed him. He returned the caress, silently giving thanks to the spirits who brought her back to him. *Chirp* The sound of her combadge jolted them back to reality. Kathryn tried hard not to scream as Chakotay groaned, leaning his forehead against hers. "Some things never change, do they?" He whispered, before he started laughing at the frustration on her face. Slapping at her combadge, Kathryn answered the hail. "Yes, Tuvok?" "You missed your scheduled check-in, Captain. Is everything all right?" The Vulcan sounded about as worried as Chakotay had ever heard. "Everything's wonderful, Tuvok. We've found him." Kathryn raised her hand, tenderly brushing it against Chakotay's cheek. She was still having trouble believing that it was him. "You have found Commander Chakotay?" "Yes, we have. He's fine, I'll contact you shortly. Janeway out." Kathryn paused, then asked Chakotay, "You will you come back with us?" Smiling, he nodded. "I will. The Ulindians don't need me anymore. The Janami are gone. We won." He carefully reached down and picked up his crutch. "Come, before we leave. There is someone I want you to meet." He accepted her support, wanting to maintain contact with her. He led her over to a Ulindian woman who stood a few feet away. "Kathryn, this is Samla." Kathryn held out her hand, recognizing the name. "Of course. It is an honor to meet you." "Please, the honor is mine." Samla's mouth quirked gently. "Chakotay has spoken of you often." Recognizing the confusion on his face, she clarified. "In your dreams, my friend." Smiling broadly, Chakotay nodded. Then he leaned over and kissed her wrinkled cheek. "I'm leaving, Sam." Nodding, she patted his hand. "I've known you belonged to another world all along. Thank you for your help, Chakotay. We could not have fought so valiantly without you. I will miss you." She smiled at Kathryn again, then turned and entered the cave. Chakotay moved around the small encampment, saying goodbye to everyone. Then, he picked up the satchel with his belongings and made his way back over to Kathryn. She wrapped her arm around his waist, taking the bag out of his hands. Looking down at her, he gestured towards the waiting shuttle craft. "Let's go, Kathryn." They began their journey into a future bright with the promise of love and happiness. Together once again. --- Looking back onto the events of the past year, I can see what a chance I have been given. It's not often that one gets a second chance, and I am determined that not a minute of it will be wasted. I love him, with all of my heart and soul. I will never again hesitate to tell him I love him. I'm reminded of an old song, I can't remember all the words. But what I can remember is this. "Love will be the gift you give yourself." I gratefully accept this gift, and am thankful for it every day. --- continued in 'Remembrances'