The BLTS Archive - Midnight Musings by Jennifer Presley (jlpresley@aol.com) --- Disclaimers: Paramount owns 99% of what you see, the remaining 1% is mine. Once again I'm stealing song lyrics, this time from "Still in Love" by Larry Stewart and Tommy Lee James. This is my response to all the rumors flying rampant, of KM or RB leaving the show, of the death of canon J/C as we know it. But mainly because of all the thoroughly depressing stories out there recently-I still have faith! Someday.... --- I have lost my way I have made mistakes And you still find the strength To believe Oh, there's comfort there Knowing you still care And you're still in love with me --- I hate to say it, but there are days when I just want to take him by the uniform, and shake some sense into him. Why does he continue with this charade? It is visible to anyone who looks at him, and they also know I will never allow it to go anywhere. I can't. I have too many responsibilities, too many people that I'm responsible for. Not even as much as I want to.... Stop. I can't afford to let my thoughts wander in that direction. Though, if I am to be honest with myself, and if you can't be honest when you are talking to yourself like a mad woman, who can you be honest with? Certainly not my First Officer. No matter how much I'd like to rip his clothing off and make love with him...and I'm not deluding myself. It would be love. I love him like I have never loved anyone in my life. Not Justin, not Mark. Just Chakotay. How on earth did I get myself into this? I was just performing my duty, tracking down a ship full of Maquis and a Vulcan. Pulled 70000 lightyears across the galaxy against our will, forced to destroy the only way home to save a race. What kind of responsibility (guilt) is that to saddle someone with? And on top of everything else we've had to contend with the past 5 years, I had to go and fall in love with the Maquis captain, my XO...the best friend I've ever had. Of course, it was his fault. If he hadn't stood up for me to B'Elanna that day ("She's the Captain.")... *Liar! Tell the truth, remember this is yourself you're talking to!* Great, now he has me calling myself a liar. Maybe I am going crazy. That would be the topper, wouldn't it? The perfect end to a really bizarre journey. I bet Fodor's Guide to the Galaxy would give this trip 4 stars. Get lost, lose half your crew, gain new ones from the criminals you were sent to apprehend, meet some aliens with some very weird personal grooming habits, meet some other aliens who want your body parts, fall in love with a wonderful man, meet the Borg and Species 8472, go crazy because you are in love with that wonderful man and not be able to do anything about it. *Why not? Who would it hurt?* The crew... *Wants this as much as you do, though probably not as much as he does. He loves you (me, us?). With all his heart and soul. And you throw it in his face...* I don't mean to hurt him. Truly I don't. I do love him. *Then tell him, make him see.* I can't. *Why?* My objectivity, what would I do if I have to send him into danger? Could I make the decision, knowing that I could be sending him to his death? Loving him so much that I just want to keep him locked up and safe? *He feels the same about you, yet he allows you to do your job. He accepts the responsibility that comes with loving someone and yet still being able to work with them. Why can't you?* Because. *Because? What the hell kind of answer is that?* This is just perfect. Now I have gone from simply talking to myself, to calling myself a liar, now I'm arguing with myself. (Sigh) Well, in for a penny... Because I'm scared. What will I do if I lose him? What if something happens and our relationship is over? Could I still work with him? Could we still be friends? What if... *Love isn't about knowing things will work out perfect. Love is about taking the chance. Bad things happen, all the time. What's the old adage? 'Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?* Whoever said that was an idiot. (Laughs) --- When my hope is gone Your faith still stands strong And you're still in love with me --- "Computer, location of Commander Chakotay." "Commander Chakotay is in his quarters, Deck...." "Never mind." I know where those are. "Janeway to Chakotay." "Yes, Captain?" His voice is tired, fuzzy. Damn, what time is it? Oops... "I'm sorry, Chakotay. I didn't realize the time. I'll talk to you in the morning. Janeway out." Hurriedly I clicked off the comm channel. Leave it to me to come to a decision like this at 0220, and with him having worked a double shift yesterday. He must think I'm an idiot. *Chirp* Oh shit. That sounded suspiciously like my door chime. *Chirp* No question that time. It was, it is and I know who's there. "Uh, come in." He walks in, his short hair sticking up slightly towards the back, rubbing absentmindedly at his forehead. "Kathryn? What's wrong?" "I'm so sorry, Chakotay. I didn't mean to wake you up." My hands are waving a bit in the air, my body language attempting to convey my dismay. "It was nothing, really." He's looking at me with no small degree of confusion. "What is it, Kathryn? I can tell something's wrong." Now he's moving closer, standing a short distance from me. His great brown eyes worried, a frown beginning. "I..I..nothing." Backing away frantically, my shins hit the couch and I can go no further. *Good going, Kathryn. Now he's really suspicious.* Oh, shut up. "What is going on, Kathryn?" Chakotay takes a step closer, his hands reaching forward to grasp mine. His thumbs begin to rub the back of my hands, sending a spark traveling up my arm to my brain. Suddenly, I can't breathe. I can only stare at him dumbly, my mouth hanging slightly open. *Oh, what a picture you must be making, Kathy!* "Uh.." --- Your love's like the air That I breathe You must be an angel Sent down here from heaven The way that you watch over me --- Now one of his hands is moving towards my face, gently brushing a knuckle against my cheek. "I'm worried, Kath." He sits, pulling my unresisting body down next to him on the couch. "You're scaring me." Someday we may look back on this and laugh, but this REALLY isn't how I imagined this moment. For one, I never thought I'd ever confess my love to him, but besides that, now I can't get the words, any words out. "Uh." Oh boy, now he's staring to smile. That smile when he's trying not to laugh at me, but he just can't help it. "I think you've said that already." Ah hell, might as well give him a shock. Leaning forward, I grab his head in my hands and plant one on his lips. Full force, my mouth opening his. *Why do they call it a French kiss? That's really dumb.* Sitting back, my chest heaving as I try to catch my breath. Now it's his turn to stare at me, dumbfounded. I myself still can't think of anything to say, so I decide just to sit and wait for him to catch up. When he finally speaks, his voice is strangled. "K..Kathryn?" That's all he can say, just my name. I must be a better kisser than I thought. "Yes, Chakotay?" That came out a lot breathier than I had intended. Wanton, almost. He surges to his feet, his hands running through his hair. "I don't understand." Uh oh. Now he's angry. "What the hell was that?" Ask a dumb question..."Last time I checked, it was called a kiss." *Oh, nice one!* Yep, that pissed him off even more. Turning back to face me, he roars. "I know that was a kiss, Kathryn! You know what I meant!" He moves to stand over me, towering above me, thunderclouds forming in his eyes. I can't help it. I'm not quite sure what has happened to me over the past few hours, but... "I love you?" That stops him. Again. (I'm getting good at this!) You know, he's really cute when he's confused. I probably should refrain from pointing that out though. Something tells me he wouldn't appreciate it right now. "Was that a question?" A glint has chased the clouds away, sunlight peering through. "Or a statement?" Huh? Oh yeah... "It was a statement phrased as a question." He stares at me for a moment longer, before turning to walk back towards the door. There he stops, bending his head as if to stare at the floor. *He's got a nice butt.* I've noticed. Standing, I move over to him, wrapping my arms around him. I can feel his heartbeat racing as I rest my cheek on his back, waiting for him to make his move. Then in a blink of an eye, my back is to the wall, his hands holding my arms above my head. It's my turn for confusion. "Chakotay?" The expression on his face is serious, but I can see the desire in his eyes. Taking a quick glance downwards, I see another, more prominent sign of his longing. My eyes widen, before meeting his again. He's smirking at me. "Are you joking, Kathryn?" The restraint in his voice is obvious. "Because if you are..." "No." I'm not. I don't claim to know how this is going to work, how this will affect those around us, but I can't hold my feelings in any longer. "I love you, Chakotay." Gently twisting my arms free, I pull him close, feeling his arms tighten around me. Then, his lips are meeting mine in a kiss far gentler and sweeter than the other. Moments pass like eons, before he ends it. As he swings me up in his arms and heads for the bedroom, I smile. *See, isn't he worth it?* For once, I decide not to argue with myself. --- And after all these years I can't believe we're here And you're still in love with me --- continued in 'Midnight Melody'