The BLTS Archive - I Promise
A story dealing with the loss of one's love
by Jennifer Presley (jlpresley@aol.com)

---

Disclaimers: Paramount owns all the best parts of this story. The plot
however is mine.

Author's Note: Another depressing story. Trust me-this one makes
"Bitterness" look like a cake walk. (At least that was my purpose,
whether I succeeded or not is up to you as the reader. Let me know.)

---

There are moments in life that one wonders what they could have done
differently. To wish to be able to change the past, to make for a
better future. A brighter, happier future. I'm no different.

I see these events like ripples in a pool of water. Some are small and
die out quickly, but others are immense, and spread throughout the
pool, affecting everything it touches. In particular, there is one
event I wish I could have changed. This ripple tore through my life,
taking away the one person I loved more than anyone, anything in the
world.

When I arise in the morning, I am greeted by a face that hasn't smiled
in a very long time. The sadness etched in my eyes is permanent, and
will never go away. Sometimes I wonder if I have the courage to end my
torture, to ease my pain. But I don't. I can't. I wouldn't. I promised
my love I'd go on. And I have.

---
"First Officer's Personal Log, Stardate -----.

It's been 6 years since we were stranded in the Delta Quadrant, and
yet it seems like only yesterday that I first set my eyes on Voyager,
on her Captain. I'm still excited to be meeting new people, to see new
places. To set eyes on things that people in the Alpha Quadrant have
never even dreamed of. So why am I so ill at ease?"


Chakotay leaned back in his chair, and exhaled slowly. He rubbed his
chin thoughtfully, in a motion that was so familiar to him that he
didn't even realize when he was performing it. The events of the past
week had caused him to become increasingly introspective, and he knew
that his emotions were visible to all who saw him.

He had tried to find his inner peace with the help of his spirit
guide, but his attempts had failed, leaving him more frustrated and
unhappy. Kathryn had noticed, but to her credit she had given him
space to try and work through it on his own. He didn't want to add to
her already overwhelming burdens unless he had to.

"Janeway to Commander Chakotay."

Surprised at the timing, he sat upright and answered before
remembering to tap his combadge. Grinning ruefully to himself, he
tried again. "Chakotay here, Captain. Is there something I can help
you with?" He glanced at the chronometer, and frowned when he realized
it was 2215 and she was still on the bridge. He could hear the muted
beeping of the sensors in the background.

"Actually, yes there is. Can you come to my ready room?" There was a
hint of something in her voice that he couldn't place.

"Yes, Captain. I'm on my way." He stood and hurriedly ran his hands
through his hair before exiting his quarters.

He stepped off the turbolift onto the quiet bridge, and nodded a
greeting at Tom, who was in command of gamma shift this rotation. Tom
waved in return, then motioned towards the ready room with a smile on
his face.

Chakotay walked up to the doors, and rang the chime to announce his
presence to the Captain. When she answered the hail, the doors slid
open and he stepped inside. She was sitting on the couch, a mug of
coffee in her hand. Another steaming mug sat on the table, waiting for
him.

"Please sit down, Chakotay." Kathryn tucked her feet under her and
turned slightly on the couch to face him.

He sat, then took a sip of coffee before looking at her. "Is this a
business or pleasure call?"

She grinned at him, before looking shyly at her lap. "I'm not quite
sure, Chakotay. I know you wanted space, but I have to ask." She
leaned forward and placed her soft hand on his. "What's wrong,
Chakotay? You haven't been yourself in days."

He sighed. He had known she wouldn't wait long before confronting him
with her concern. "Nothing really, Kathryn. I've just been feeling,
well, I guess depressed is the right word. Ever since we left
Salan..." He broke off as he stared out the window, lost in thought.

"It reminded you of New Earth too, didn't it?" Her question was
rhetorical, she didn't really expect an answer. In her heart she knew
it already, as she had felt the attraction to the planet also.

Salan was beautiful, full of picturesque valleys and glades. There had
been one area in particular that was sacred to the inhabitants, that
if there had been a wooden bathtub and a Starfleet shelter, would have
been.....home.

It startled her to realize that a part of her still thought of New
Earth as home. Still longed for the peacefulness and solitude of
living with Chakotay. They had been so happy there, and with a twinge
she realized she missed it even more than she missed Earth.

"Kathryn?" The sound of Chakotay's voice broke into her musings.
Startled, she focused her eyes and found him staring at her
questioningly.

She smiled self-consciously. "I guess it was my turn to wool gather."

He returned the smile, and caressed her hand gently. "Yes. The answer
to your question was yes." A deep breath. "I miss it, don't you?"

Nodding, she interlaced her fingers with his. "Sometimes, I wish...."
Her eyes completed her sentence, as she couldn't trust her voice to.

Chakotay hesitated, then pulled her into an embrace. Words were
unnecessary, and they sat, drawing on each other's strength. He rocked
her gently in his arms, murmuring soothing sounds.

After a long moment, Kathryn drew back slightly. Her hand reached up,
and traced the lines of his tattoo. Chakotay closed his eyes, the feel
of her hand on him bringing an immense joy. He didn't realize her
intentions, until her lips met his in a tender kiss.

Groaning, he pulled her closer, barely registering anything but the
sensation of her mouth, of holding her. Of worshiping her, of loving
her. Finally, he ended the kiss, not wanting to scare her. He was
shocked by the sight of the bright tears in her eyes, and as they
slipped down her face, his thumb gently wiped them away. She stood,
and he could feel the tremors coursing through her body as she helped
him up, then moved to exit the ready room.

He lost all memory of exiting onto the bridge, and entering the
turbolift. The next thing he remembered, they were in her quarters,
kissing frantically as they shed their clothing. And then they were
united, in body and soul.

---

"Captain, we have established orbit around Clairn." Tom tossed a quick
glance over his shoulder, as Janeway absentmindedly acknowledged him.
As he expected, she and Chakotay were trying hard not to look at each
other. Her cheeks were flushed slightly, and Chakotay looked happier
than he had in days.

Tom turned back to his station, grinning to himself. He had a feeling
that he was going to be collecting on a lot of bets that evening.

Realizing that more was expected, Janeway turned to face Ops. Her eyes
lingered momentarily on her First Officer, before meeting Kim's amused
gaze. "Harry, does B'Elanna have the transporters online yet?"

"No, Captain. She is finishing the maintenance on the buffers, and is
estimating another hour before it'll be completed." Kim watched the
Captain as she swiveled back towards the viewscreen, sneaking another
glance at Chakotay as she did. He could tell that Tom had also noticed
their lack of attention, and was anxious to escape the bridge to tell
B'Elanna.

"All right, thank you Harry." Janeway hesitated, before standing.
"Tom, I want you to go the shuttlebay and prepare the Cochrane for
launch. You and I will go down and scout the planet to see if the
readings we are getting are really of dilithium. We'll leave in 20
minutes."

Tom's affirmative answer was drowned out by the sound of Chakotay
clearing his throat. He caught her gaze, and motioned towards her
ready room with his head.

She frowned slightly, then nodded. "Tuvok, you have the bridge." She
moved into her ready room as Chakotay followed her.

She waited until the doors had securely shut behind them before
speaking. "I take it you have a problem with this, Chakotay?" Her
hands were on her hips as she stared at him.

"Respectfully, Captain, I don't feel that it is appropriate for you to
go on this away mission. We know nothing about this planet, and the
readings are erratic." He tried to keep his objection on a
professional level, but knew he was failing miserably. "Let me go
instead."

Kathryn sighed and shook her head. "No, Chakotay. I appreciate your
concern, but I have the background necessary for this mission, that
you don't have. If that is dilithium down there, someone has to verify
the composition to make sure it is safe for our use."

"What about Carey or Seven?" He knew her answer before she even spoke.

"The only other person I'd trust with this task is B'Elanna and it's
more important that she finish with the transporters. I'm quite
capable of doing this, and Tom is the best pilot on the ship. We'll be
gone an hour at the most." She moved to stand close to him.

Reluctantly he nodded his assent. "I know." He hugged her. "I'm just
worried for you. I just want you to be safe."

His admission tugged a smile onto her face. "I know. I love you too."
She kissed him softly, before disengaging herself from his arms. "Come
on, we both have work to do."

---

"Cochrane to Voyager. We have entered the atmosphere. There is a lot
of turbulence and we're having problems with the lateral stabilizers,
but nothing Tom can't handle." Janeway's voice came over the com
system, interspersed with static. "We should be reaching the
destination coordinates in 10 minutes."

"Acknowledged, Captain." Chakotay fought down the unease he had been
feeling since their conversation in her ready room. "We're going to
keep the com link open to monitor your progress."

He could hear the amusement in her answer. "Understood." Whatever she
said next was muted by a large burst of static. Chakotay allowed
himself to relax slightly, as the minutes ticked past. Suddenly, he
heard Tom shouting.

"We've hit some....we're losing the engines, Captain!"

Janeway's voice was taut with tension. "Transfer power from the
shields, Tom. We can't lose the stabilizers."

Chakotay frowned, and gripped the armrests on the command chair.
"Captain, what's happening?" In the background, he could hear Harry
calling to B'Elanna.

"...Chakotay...fluctuation in...has stopped....lost power...appears to
be okay." The transmission was broken up by static, but he could still
hear the strain in her voice.

He turned to Kim. "Harry, what's the status on the transporters?"

The younger man was on the verge of panic. "She needs 5 more minutes,
Commander."

Chakotay swore under his breath. "I hope we can give it to her." He
tried once again to calm himself. "Kathryn, Tom. What's happening?"

Tom answered. "We've lost the right nacelle. The Captain is attempting
the re-route power to the left without overwhelming the inertial
dam...broken through into lower atmosphere." The static seemed to be
less of a problem in his transmission. "Visibility is almost
nonexistent, but we appear to be on course for..." A curse before his
panicked voice was heard shouting. "Captain, strap in, we're-"

A large explosion reverberated over the open frequency, and echoed
through the stunned silence of the bridge. There was another harsh
sound before the signal died.

Chakotay had risen to his feet in shock, tears welling in his eyes.
"Kathryn, Tom? Can you hear me? Please respond." Only silence greeted
his entreaty.

Tuvok finally spoke, sounding as if he was fighting a great emotion.
"Negative, Commander. The shuttlecraft has exploded." He hesitated. "I
cannot get an accurate reading on survivors."

Chakotay stared at him, before heading to the turbolift. "Tuvok, take
command. Harry, I want you to come with me."

He fidgeted throughout the seemingly endless turbolift ride, trying to
ignore the anxiety on Harry's face. As soon as the doors opened onto
the appropriate deck, both men took off running for the transporter
room.

They found B'Elanna shouting orders to a panicked Ensign, and placing
equipment on the transporter pad. "Repairs complete, Chakotay. Tuvok
sent the coordinates to me."

Chakotay nodded. "Good. Let's go." He stepped up onto the pad, his
hands fisted.

"Wait, Chakotay. The Doctor is coming." B'Elanna looked at him. He
could see his fear mirrored in her eyes. "Tuvok called him."

Chakotay fought the urge to scream. "I..I forgot about him." *Kathryn,
hang on!*

"I should have known." The acerbic tone of the EMH alerted Chakotay to
his presence. He was carrying a large case, and had another bag of
supplies on his shoulder. "I'm ready."

Nodding to the Ensign, Chakotay felt the familiar tingle as the
transporter kicked in. Within moments, he found himself standing on a
rock-strewn mountainside. He turned, and found the wreckage of the
shuttle 10 meters away.

"Kathryn!" His heart pounded as he ran to it, frantically searching
for her.

The others had followed quickly, and Harry and B'Elanna headed
immediately for the front of the shuttle.

"TOM!" B'Elanna sounded close to tears. "Kahless...Doctor, we need
help!"

Tom was slumped in his seat, covered in blood from numerous facial
lacerations. His left arm was broken, and hung at his side. The EMH
quickly ran his medical tricorder over the motionless pilot, then hit
his combadge.

"EMH to Voyager. Beam Lieutenant Paris and Ensign Kim to sickbay." He
turned to Harry. "You'll need to run a dermal regenerator over the
wounds to stop the bleeding, but then put him in stasis. He'll be okay
until we can locate the Captain."

Harry nodded his understanding, his shaking hand gently on Tom's right
shoulder. The two men disappeared, and the Doctor turned back to the
rear of the shuttle.

Chakotay was digging frantically through the debris, and had been
joined by B'Elanna. She was grunting as they lifted a large piece, and
threw it aside.

The sight that greeted them was horrific. Chakotay's hands trembled as
he gently touched Kathryn's face. She was barely conscious and moaned
as she felt his hands.

"Cha..."

"Shh. Kathryn, I'm here. You're going to be just fine." Chakotay
cleared the rest of the debris from her body. "The Doctor and B'Elanna
are here also."

The EMH began to scan her, and his face grew solemn. The readings were
bad, and continued to worsen by the moment. "Commander, we must get
her to sickbay immediately."

Chakotay nodded. "Is it safe to move her?"

The EMH sighed. "Frankly, Commander, no. But if she is going to have
any chance of survival, we must get her to sickbay.

Chakotay kneeled next to her, and gently eased his arms underneath her
body. Rising carefully, he cradled her to his chest. "Okay."

B'Elanna moved closer to him, and tapped her combadge. "Torres to
Voyager. Four to beam directly to sickbay."

Kathryn was barely conscious and moaning when they re-materialized in
sickbay. Chakotay rushed over to the surgical bed and gently placed
her on it. The Doctor frantically began working on her.

Harry had called Ensign Wildman in and she rushed around, grabbing
instruments and hyposprays as the Doctor ordered them.

"30 ccs inaprovoline."

"Cardiac stimulator, now. Repeat."

Chakotay watched, his sense of helplessness growing as he watched the
woman he loved dying. Silently, he whispered prayers to the spirits to
protect her. A sense of dread began to grow as the Doctor finally
stepped back and turned to face him.

"Doctor?" Chakotay stared at the hologram in confusion as he looked
down at the floor before meeting the Commander's gaze.

"I'm sorry, Chakotay. There's nothing more I can do, the damage is too
severe."

Chakotay ignored the sobs emanating from B'Elanna and Samantha as he
numbly moved to the side of Kathryn's biobed.

She looked peaceful, as if she was sleeping. Her chest rose and fell
in minute increments, and he could tell it was lessening. His hand
rose it its own free will and began to tenderly stroke her cheek.

Her eyes fluttered open, and he gasped slightly. "Kathryn." Her voice
was slurred as she attempted to speak.

"Chak...I'm sorry." She whimpered softly. "I should've list.....to
you."

"No, Kathryn. You're going to be fine, do you hear me? You just need
to rest and then you'll get better." He shook his head, as if by
denial alone he could save her. "You'll be just fine."

Her breathing was coming in pants now, as the strength slowly drained
from her body. "Don't, Chakotay. Prom...ise me." Her fingers twitched,
and he wrapped his larger ones around them. "Promise me you'll get
home."

Chakotay nodded, unable to speak as his heart shattered into a million
pieces.

"I love you." Her last whisper was soft, and he had to strain to hear
her.

"Oh god, Kathryn, I love you." His strangled cry burst out, but he
knew it was too late. She was gone. He heard the soft whine of the
monitor alarm, before the EMH silenced it.

His world narrowed to just the woman in front of him. Grief pervaded
his soul, and repressed sobs wracked his body. Chakotay barely felt
B'Elanna's arms around him as she tried to comfort him. He leaned
down, and brushed a gentle kiss on Kathryn's lips, before turning and
running out of sickbay.

"Chakotay!"

He ignored B'Elanna's plea and the shocked expressions on the
crewmembers he passed. He ran through the corridors until he reached
the sanctuary of her quarters. He punched his override code into the
lock, and stumbled through her quarters, falling on her bed as his
grief overtook him.

---

Time passed slowly on the sorrow-filled ship. It had been a week since
the accident that had taken the life of its Captain, and the life out
of its First Officer. Tuvok had taken command, as Chakotay had
closeted himself in either his or Kathryn's quarters.

The only people he would see were B'Elanna and Tom, once he had been
released from sickbay. The once-cocky pilot was but a shadow of his
former self. Guilt had aged him, reminders of the accident on Caldik
Prime. Once again he was the cause of someone's death, this time of
the woman who had become a second mother to him.

B'Elanna was running herself ragged, trying to care for and support
the two men she loved most, in addition to her duties in Engineering.
In that respect, Seven and Carey had taken most of the burdens,
allowing her more time to spend with Tom and Chakotay.

The rest of the crew was taking the Captain's death hard as well. Even
the Maquis who had once scorned her efforts to accept them into the
crew mourned the passing of the vibrant woman that their former
Captain loved so dearly. And as much as the crew mourned her for their
sakes, they grieved for Chakotay's loss as well.

It hadn't been a secret that their commanding officers were in love,
and the crewman who had seen Chakotay's utter devastation after he
left sickbay had no doubt of the intensity of his feelings. In seconds
the lives of everyone on the ship had been irrevocably changed.

---

Chakotay stared at his hands, the hands that had held her for only one
brief night. A seemingly unending supply of tears dampened his cheeks
as he tried to dull the pain. He had even tried a bottle of Talaxian
ale he had found in her room, but had been unable to finish even a
single glassful. Every where he looked, he saw her. Her smile, the
gleam of her brilliant blue eyes, the sound of her laughter that she
had shared with him.

He had tried everything, but the one thing he instinctively knew would
help. Finally, he knew that he would have to try and seek out his
spirit guide. He retrieved the small hide bundle, and opened it. It
seemed like it had been years since he had last sought the wisdom of
the she-wolf. Closing his eyes, he repeated the chant of his
ancestors.

When he opened his eyes again, he found himself in their clearing on
New Earth. Nothing had changed, the shelter was still standing, the
bathtub filled with warm water. He looked around, but found no sign of
his guide. He was standing inside the house, when he heard the sound
of Kathryn's voice.

"Chakotay? Are you in there?"

"Kathryn?" He hurried outside, and found her in the garden. Her hair
was pulled back from her face in a braid and she was wearing the blue
dress he remembered. "Kathryn, oh gods, is it really you?"

She stood, brushing the loose dirt from her hands. "Yes, Chakotay.
It's really me."

He ran to her, embracing her tightly as he sobbed her name, over and
over. She held him, murmuring soothing sounds as he cried.

"Kathryn, I miss you so much." Chakotay looked at her, his grief
abating slightly. "I love you."

"I know, Chakotay. That's why I have come back to see you." Kathryn
led him over to the bench under their favorite shade tree. "I know
you've been grieving for me, and I want you to know that you need to
move on."

"What are you saying? I should just forget about you?" His anguish at
the thought was visible to her. "I can't do that Kathryn. I can't live
without you."

Sighing, she shook her head at him as she clasped his hands in hers.
"No, Chakotay. I'm not saying that. What I mean is that you have to go
on, you have a long life to lead, and I don't want you to spend your
time on thoughts of me." Kathryn smiled at him. "You have so much to
see and do, and you can't do that if you are stuck in this period of
your life."

"But I don't want to, not without you." He broke down in sobs again.
"I can't bear the thought of never seeing you, of never holding you
again."

She pulled his head down to her chest, and stroked his back. "You will
see me again, Chakotay, and some day, we will be together again, for
good." She tilted his head up again to look him in the eyes. "Promise
me you'll do this for me."

He hesitated, before nodding. "I will, Kathryn. As long as I know
you're waiting for me, I will try."

She laughed, then leaned forward and kissed him. He attempted to hold
onto her as his vision faded, and he could hear her whisper to him.

"You must go on, Chakotay. Promise me."

He opened his eyes, finding himself on the floor in her quarters. "I
promise, Kathryn."

---
Epilogue:
---

"26 years." A long sigh. "I never thought he would be able to live
without her for so long."

B'Elanna nodded, the tears streaming down her face. "He had to. He
promised her he would." She fingered the container of ashes gently, as
Tom hugged her.

They had returned to the Delta Quadrant through the wormhole that
Harry had discovered 2 months after Kathryn Janeway's death. Upon
their return to the Alpha Quadrant, the crew of Voyager had been
greeted as returning heroes, and the lives of those lost had been
immortalized in a monument in San Francisco.

Chakotay had been reinstated to Starfleet, and granted the rank of
Captain. He had specifically requested Voyager as his command, which
the brass had graciously granted. He served a long and distinguished
career, though he had never been the same as he was before Kathryn's
death.

To B'Elanna, it seemed like the light had gone out of his spirit, and
he existed only to fulfill his promise to Kathryn. It hadn't been a
surprise when she learned of his illness, and he had died a short time
later.

His will had been simple. He wanted his remains, and Kathryn's sister
had granted permission for hers, to be transported back to New Earth,
and spread over the clearing in which they had lived for four short,
happy months so many years before.

It was only fitting that Voyager had made the transit, commanded by
Captain Thomas Eugene Paris. His command crew included Harry Kim, and
his wife B'Elanna Torres-Paris. They had made the trip solemnly, and
now found themselves surrounded by the beauty of New Earth.

B'Elanna opened the container, and gently began to spread the ashes
around. When completed, she bowed her head in remembrance of the two
who had finally been reunited. Then she and Tom returned to Voyager
for the trip back to the Alpha Quadrant and home.

---

They were together again, this time for eternity, in the place they
loved. Kathryn held her hand out to Chakotay, and he smiled at her as
they entered their home, united once more.

---

The End