The BLTS Archive - Our Elusive Dreams by Jennifer Presley (jlpresley@aol.com) --- Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom own the characters and the settings, the lyrics belong to Jim Brickman and Tom Douglas, and whatever is left is mine! (Hmm-that's not much!) Thanks to Deborah for the title and for her guidance! --- Another year has passed, another year of our travels through the Delta Quadrant. At times I still find it hard to believe that it has been 10 years since the Caretaker first pulled us here, and disrupted all of our lives. A quarter of my life has been spent on this ship, with this crew, with this man at my side. He's asleep, stretched out on the couch, his head pillowed on my lap. I've been idly running my fingers through his hair, feeling the soft strands, tracing the faint tinges of silver that have appeared as if by magic. Lines have started to appear around his eyes and his mouth, but they only add character to his strong features. In truth, they make me love him even more. I do love him, you know. I was stubborn and ignored my feelings for far too long, holding tightly to my precepts of duty and protocol. I'd known his feelings for me ever since New Earth, but after everything that has happened over the intervening years, I had thought they had cooled. I was wrong, instead they were dormant, hibernating inside him until a time when I was finally able to accept them, and him. Fully, completely, without reservations. He stirs in his sleep, and I halt my motions, waiting until he lies quiet again, before resuming my gentle caress. The tattoo so prominent on his forehead is my next destination, and I trace the blue lines that connect him to his people, to his father. I've seen pictures from his first career in Starfleet, without the tribal marking, and it looks...strange. Almost naked, if you will. Of course, I'm probably biased, as I know him, and I know how much it means to him. And I like it. It's as simple as that, really. The crackling of the holographic fire catches my attention, and I watch it for a moment before returning my attention to my husband of 3 days. It's almost unreal, looking at him and knowing he's mine forever. I mean, I know we've been involved for almost 4 years, and the only thing that has changed is a file on a PADD, but to know that we are official...I feel complete now. He makes me whole. I came up with a comparison for Seven when she asked me about the relationship between a man and a woman. Life is like a puzzle, and as a person grows, their experiences are pieces of that puzzle. Gradually, one by one, the pieces are accumulated, and put into a semblance of order. One day, you may find that you have all the pieces but the last, the one that fits in when you find that special person that fate has ordained for you, and only then can you finish your puzzle. I don't think she quite agreed, but she accepted my explanation at face value. (For once, thankfully!) Since that time, I have watched her cautious attempts at allowing Harry to get closer to her, perhaps she has realized that he is her missing piece, like Chakotay was mine. At different times in my life, I had thought that Justin and Mark were my missing pieces, but as the years passed, I realized I had never really loved them like I thought I had, like they deserved. I've often wondered what might have happened in my life if Justin and my father hadn't died on Tau Ceti Prime. Things would have been very different for me, chances are I never would have continued on my career in Starfleet, never had commanded Voyager, and never would have met Chakotay. That thought is sobering, for as much as he means to me, it's hard to think of what my life would be like without him. I remember my words from that fateful day-"Three years ago I didn't even know your name. Today I can't imagine a day without you." It was the truth then, and now, 7 years after I first said it, it's still the truth. --- I fight to keep from laughing as her fingers gently tickle my face. I've been lying here, my head in her lap for close to 2 hours, savoring the joy of knowing that she's my wife. Captain Kathryn Marie Janeway is mine. I've waited so long for her to realize what she means to me, and that my heart was hers for the taking. It seems an eternity since the first day I set foot on the bridge of Voyager, and lost my heart to her Captain. We've come a long way since then, both figuratively and literally. We have traveled close to 50,000 light years in only 10 years. The wormhole we found in the Pladir sector shaved a large chunk off our journey, and of course Kes' help so many years ago. We now stand a chance of reaching the Alpha Quadrant in our lifetime, which would mean a great deal to Kathryn. She promised the crew she would get them home, and she is so close to keeping that promise. The intervening years haven't been easy on us, on her. For a while, it seemed that everything that could go wrong did. From Seska to the Borg and the Hirogen, to losing Tuvok in an attack perpetrated by the Ralari. Kathryn herself was critically injured in that attack; I thought I was going to lose her. I don't know what I would have done if I had. Kes once told me in private of the alternate universe she had seen when a Hirogen attack had killed Kathryn and B'Elanna. She said I had taken command of Voyager, had stepped into the role of parent to the ship, but that something was missing. Even when I smiled, there had been a sadness that permeated deep into my soul. I've imagine what it would be like, seeing Kathryn's lifeless body being flung across the Bridge, and I've had more than a few nightmares about it. I know that danger is an inherent part of our journey, that someday I may be faced with losing Kathryn, but times like this....I know it's worth it. Just having the chance to grow old together is the most incredible feeling. Knowing that there is someone to share your innermost thoughts and fears with, that I won't walk into the twilight years by myself is enough. Even if death separates us, I know that we will never truly be apart, for our souls have merged into one. --- He's awake, I can tell. His eyes are still closed, but he's been moving restlessly for the past few minutes. Leaning over, I gently place a kiss on his temple. "Wake up, sleeping beauty." He laughs, then turns over to look up at me. "You think I'm beautiful, do you?" His eyes are dancing with humor. "I'm not sure if I agree, I think devastatingly handsome is more appropriate, myself." "Ah, such humility, Chakotay." Grinning, I tap the end of his nose with my index finger. "It's so becoming in a man your age." He sits up, groaning, holding his hands over his heart. "You wound me, fair maiden!" Laughing, I stand and pull him to his feet, then wrap my arms around him. "Somehow, I don't think I qualify for the maiden designation, Chakotay." I leer up at him. "Especially not after the last few days..or nights!" The mirth he is holding in escapes him and he hugs me tightly. "Ah, Kath, you are too good for me." We hold each other silently for a few minutes, just treasuring the feeling of being together. His heart is beating beneath my ear, and I close my eyes, listening to the rhythm. Long moments pass before I reluctantly lean back to look in his warm eyes. "I guess it's about time we return to the real world." Chakotay nods, then leans over and kisses me gently. "Almost, but we have time for one last dance." He squeezes me gently, then walks over to the antique musical system that Tom insisted be programmed into the holoprogram. He moves back to my side as the soft sounds of a piano begin. "May I have this dance, my love?" Smiling softly, I allow him to lead me into a gently swaying movement. The soothing lyrics wrap us in their spell, and it takes a moment for me to realize that Chakotay is mouthing the lyrics, his lips gently moving against my ear. //'All I want is to hold you forever All I need is you more every day You saved my heart From being broken apart You gave your love away And I'm thankful every day For the gift'// I pull back enough to look into his eyes, tears beginning to slip down my cheeks. The love shining from him is breathtaking, and I can feel the pull of his emotions on my heart. ///'Watching as you softly sleep What I'd give if I could keep Just this moment If only time stood still But the colors fade away And the years will make us gray But baby in my eyes You'll still be beautiful'// We've stopped our feeble attempts at dancing, and are just staring at each other. He's crying too, and it's at this moment that I fully realize how much he's given me, and how very much I love him. He is truly the answer to my dreams. Softly, I whisper, "I love you, Chakotay." The song ends, and he leans down, his lips capturing mine. "I love you too, Kathryn." He breathes, as he pulls away. We stand there for a moment, before turning and gathering our belongings that we had brought into the holodeck with us. Sadly, I take one last look around the cabin that has sheltered us for the past 3 days. "Computer, end and save program." The program fades away, to be replaced with the glowing yellow lines of the hologrid. "Come, Kathryn. Let's go home." Chakotay motions towards the door with his free hand, then holds it towards me in invitation. I grasp it in mine, and we walk out into the corridor beyond, to rejoin the family that awaits us. --- The End