The BLTS Archive - I Let Myself
by Pherne (Pherne@aol.com)


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An entry in the "things donšt turnout challenge"

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from Spock to James.

I let myself feel only moments at a time.
As if I believed small doses of the illness might cure.

	The room with no beds ... our passion lit and spent
	on the roughly carpeted floor. How amazed I was that
	desire could renew and explode so often in the dark
	of one night.
I let myself believe that this was evidence of two who were
destined for each other.

	The times we came together to exchange gifts
	so eagerly selected to please and convey our love.
	How proud you seemed then in my delight.
I let myself believe this was the template for all our future giving.

Our friends gave us holos of us unguarded,
and rejoiced in the visions of loving gazes captured without our knowledge.
I let myself believe that this was the community of acceptance you
cherished too.

The love notes you left me and I you. Regrets for a
	fight, wishes for a good day that we had to spend apart.
	Our longings to be one again.
I let myself accept as truth the promises of forever.

Now you say you cannot be with me.
You say you have lost yourself
and ask that I wait until your journey with others is complete.
I am stunned to realize that I will not give you this.

I let myself believe my love was stronger than death.
It is not. I free you.

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The End