The BLTS Archive - Renewed Interest by NiomiP. (NiomiP@aol.com) --- June 1999 CAUTIONARY NOTES: This work of fiction is RATED NC-17. If you are under 18 please do not read further. If graphic descriptions of m/f sexuality are not your cup of tea, don? read this either. Some mature topics and strong language. Angst warning! I? off the hook, I warned you. GENERAL DISCLAIMER: Everything Star Trek, including characters and episodes belong to Paramount, Inc. and Viacom. I? only borrowing their characters and stories. Please don? sue me, I have three cats and a husband to support. AUTHOR'S NOTES: All we know about Susie Crabtree is that Tom and she dated at the Academy, and she dumped him, leaving him quite depressed. This story is a sequel to "The Price of Command". Somehow, that story just felt incomplete. This is my concept of what happens when they meet again, years later, after Tom has been cashiered from Starfleet, but has not yet joined the Maquis. Special thanks to Beta readers Jamelia and Courtney for all their time and help! I have truly enjoyed the experience I've had writing this. Thank you for reading it. All comments and criticisms are appreciated and can be sent to NiomiP@aol.com. DISTRIBUTION: This story can be shared with friends, but please do not post it on the Internet, archive, or publish without permission from the author. Archiving on ASC, ASCEM, PTF Archive via link and distribution on BLTS is fine. Please keep the above disclaimers and credits attached. --- "Come on ,Veith ," the pilot intoned with annoyance in his voice, "my services are worth an extra 20 percent." The Ferengi grunted and looked up at the tall fair human from beneath his jutting brow. "That's unreasonable. This is even a legal charter, no *cargo* to be concerned with. It's an easy job! Ten percent, no more." The pilot sighed and leaned back against a storage locker. "Come on, who else knows the Terikof belt like I do?" "I can name a half dozen pilots in this town alone," the Ferengi countered. "Yeah, but they're all incarcerated at the moment. And none of them could get past the plasma storms between here and the fifth planetoid. That is part of the expedition isn't it?" Veith nodded reluctantly, "They're headed for several M Class planets in the Terikof Belt, beyond the Mariah System." Now Tom knew he had the advantage in this negotiation. He continued, "No one else is going to get that group in and out of there in one piece except me." The human was right, and the Ferengi was not happy about it. He was the best, and currently only, available pilot qualified for this charter. Tom couldn't resist rubbing his advantage in, just a bit. With a slight smile starting at the corner of his mouth he added, "Let's not even consider that I'm committing myself to an entire month of watching a bunch of scientists collect samples. I could be losing out on some good opportunities, I should be compensated for that." Tom thought to himself that he was beginning to get the hang of this Ferengi bargaining method. This was the best deal he'd negotiated yet. Veith grunted again and almost spat as he said, " All right, huuuman. You get your 20%, but you had better deliver them to the meeting point at the end of the expedition intact, not to mention the ship." "It's a deal. Now, the front money?" Veith looked pained as he took the credit chit from his vest and handed it to the pilot. Tom Paris took the chit, made a brief display of checking its authenticity, and pocketed it. "Pleasure doing business with you, Veith." "Be at the cargo dock at 07:00. These people want an early start!" Veith thought that this human was very bold and far too reckless. As long as he didn't lose the ship and the passengers got where they wanted to go and back, he really didn't care what this pilot did. Tom gave a mock salute to the Ferengi, and strode off toward the main street, giving his coat a shake, ostensibly to remove dust from the loading area. --- Tom Paris awoke to the familiar and comforting sensation of a soft form lying next to him. He also felt the equally familiar sensation of pain behind the eyes and ringing in his ears that often followed an evening of overindulgence in alcohol. He wondered, just what had he been drinking last night? As the mental fog slowly lifted, he did remember where his excessive consumption had occurred. At least the bar had been one of the better ones he'd been in out here. The booze? Well, it had been questionable. Not very smooth, but quite effective. he thought, < that's two out of the three major questions answered.> Tom began to go through a mental checklist he had inadvertently developed over the past couple of years. 'Where am I?' Looks like my room at the hotel. A bit run down, but acceptable. 'Where's my money?' He saw his belt on the dresser. 'Where was I last night?' Sometimes followed by, 'What did I drink?' To be followed up by a mental note either to avoid it or partake of it again, depending on the effect. This morning, he didn't feel too bad, but that stuff still didn't compare to a good Bordeaux. The last question was, 'Now, who is this?' He looked down at the sleeping form beside him. She was decidedly female. She appeared quite human, although her bronze skin and black hair did not seem familiar. Her hair was done in a complex series of braids that spiraled up to the top of her head and cascaded down to her back. A series of spidery dark lines of pigment framed her face and ran behind her ears meeting at the back of her neck where they continued down her spine. Memory of the previous evening began to focus in his mind's eye, and he recalled that he'd never asked what species she was, and her name still eluded him. However, he did remember that she had striking violet eyes and her forehead crinkled when she laughed. He also remembered that she found the inside of the elbow to be a highly erogenous zone. She stirred and looked up at him, for a second a look of confusion crossing her face, followed by a solicitous smile. "Good morning, Beautiful." It was a nice catch-all term of endearment. "Good morning to you too," she said as she stretched, displacing the bedcovers and revealing the body Tom found himself beginning to recall in greater detail. "Sleep well?" "Oh yes. This bed is pretty comfortable. And I *was* exhausted," she said looking through her lashes with a devilish smile on her lips. Tom returned her expression, "I'm glad to hear that. I slept very well myself." He looked down for a moment. "Last night was pretty wild." "That it was, pilot." "Look, I'm sorry to have to do this, but I have a charter contract that starts this morning. I've got to get down to the port first thing. You can stay and sleep in. I'll settle things at the desk before I go. All right?" "Thanks, " she said as she stretched languidly and settled back against the pillows. Tom quickly showered and changed before throwing his few belongings into a duffel. Just before he made for the door, he stopped and kissed "Violet" as he now was thinking of her. "This charter is for a couple of weeks. I may get back this way after that. Maybe we'll run into each other again?" Tom said, trying to sound as sincere as possible. "Sure. I'd like that." "Violet" answered. "I'll look forward to it." "By the way, pilot," she said with a slightly devious expression. "Yeah?" Tom had almost made it out the door free and clear. "The name is Malir." Her statement caught him off guard for a moment. The expression on her face made it plain that she'd played this scene before. "Don't worry, you haven't broken my heart. I did have a good time, thanks." "So did I," he said, hoping his relief wasn't too obvious. "One last thing, pilot." Tom stopped in the doorway and looked at her expectantly. "You have marvelous hands," she said with a lascivious expression. Tom smirked and closed the door behind him, still wondering what species she was. --- The Volnar colony was a small trading post which had been an almost comfortable distance from the Cardassian border before the conflict with the Federation. Now the Volnar colony was on the edge of the Demilitarized Zone, but that could change any day. It wasn't on any heavily traveled routes, but still somehow managed to support a fair number of merchants, however the "questionable" trading activities far outnumbered the "clean" ones. The Volnar colony also had the distinction of being on the only planet which could support humanoid life in the system. The jungle growth was lush and the air quite humid. A light drizzle fell as Tom Paris slogged along the walkway adjacent to the landing area, or what passed for a landing area in this place. The ship he was to be piloting, the *Sanger*, was docked there. The ship he'd come in on last week had long since been unloaded and was on its way deep into Cardassian territory. Tom had declined that job. It was one thing to evade defense grids of small colonies, but to go all the way to Teluridian IV was just plain stupid. He still didn't know what cargo had been on that ship. Whatever it was, all he knew was that it wasn't perishable. He made it a policy never to know just what the cargo was on any mission which required that he arrive undetected by any particular group in authority. The Cardassians were a presence here on the Volnar colony, but didn't have things wrapped up that tightly. Getting to this port hadn't been all that difficult. He walked up to the yard foreman, a tall blackish skinned biped he assumed was a native of this planet. "Hey, could you tell me where the *Sanger's* docked? The foreman looked at Tom with a bit of disgust. "The *Sanger*, you say. That's the professor's charter. It's over by the loading area." "Thanks." Tom strode down the walkway as his attention was caught by a shapely female behind bending over a shipping crate. He stopped to appreciate the view for a moment before speaking. "Good morning," Tom said in an inviting tone, "I'm looking for the professor, is he around?" "I'm *Dr.* Crabtree," the woman said as she stood, her auburn mane catching the light, and turned to face Tom. Her face showed an indignant pride in her title which dissolved as soon as she laid eyes on him. She hesitated for a moment, a myriad of emotions playing out across her face. She managed to speak, but her voice sounded like it belonged to someone else. "Tom? Tom Paris? Oh my God." He looked at her and found no words. It was her, the same auburn hair and those green eyes which had once looked at him with such emotion. The smile. She thought her heart had stopped. A million conflicting thoughts and emotions flew through her brain at once, but she was able to shut them down long enough to regain some level of control. After what seemed like an extensive pause, she was able to speak. "It's Sue. Sue Crabtree. You can't have forgotten me," she said with a sudden flush of embarrassment. Tom noticed the blush. He felt his own color rising as he remembered so many moments with her in an instant. "No, never. Hello, Susie." She did have the presence of mind to say, "Actually, I prefer Sue now." "Alright, Sue. Although it's technically Dr. Crabtree isn't it?" "Yes, but what are you doing here? Why were you looking for me just now?" "Apparently," Tom chucked at the curve the fates had thrown his way, "I'm your pilot. I have the contract to fly this expedition. " "You? Of all the things? She still felt shock at the sight of Tom. They hadn't seen each other in person for almost ten years. "Sue, we've just about got things ready," a young man with a PADD said as he approached. "Oh, great." Sue indicated Tom as she spoke, "Matt, this is our pilot, Tom Paris. Tom, Matt Davies, my graduate assistant." "Good to meet you." "Same here." "Sue, we do need your call on which of the backup mineral analyzers we're going to load. This ship can't accommodate all of them." "I'll be right there. Tom, I'll see you on the ship." "Right. I'll stow my gear and get started on the pre-flight." Tom saw Matt give him a look he'd seen before. Sizing him up, and not liking what he saw. He probably had a thing for Sue. --- Tom had finished checking over the navigational charts and was almost done with the pre-flight check on the systems. This was not a bad little ship. Not the fastest or most maneuverable, but it was in excellent condition. This might turn out to be an enjoyable mission. "Well, maybe," he thought. He had almost completed his preflight preparations when Sue entered the ship. He felt his pulse quicken perceptibly. Sue approached him and stopped, seeming to gather her thoughts. Tom opted to take control of the impending conversation. "The Terikof Belt isn't the most popular place in the quadrant; what are you doing out here? I didn't know Starfleet Research had any interests in this sector." Sue hesitated for a second. She wasn't sure what she really had wanted to say at that moment, but she could answer his question. "They don't. Well, they might, but none that I'm aware of. This expedition is supported by the Daystrom Institute." Tom suddenly realized that she wasn't in a Starfleet uniform, or even an away mission ensemble. "The Daystrom Institute? Are you on some kind of sabbatical or leave?" "No, Tom. I'm not in Starfleet anymore." He looked surprised. "I gather you're not either." Tom looked away, but Sue caught a glimpse of Tom's pained expression. "I think we have some things to talk about later. We've got to get going now, right?" Tom turned to face her again and replied, "Lead on, Doc." His expression was just as carefree as it had been when he first approached the loading dock. This sudden alteration didn't go unnoticed. When the last of the equipment was on board, Sue wanted to brief everyone on the task at hand before getting underway. The trip to the first site was going to be a rough one, so she might not have the chance to brief them during the flight. "Now most of us know each other, but two of you are new to our team. Let me go around and introduce everybody. Me, you all know, Sue Crabtree. This is my graduate assistant Matt Davies, our tech Dar Magda, Alex Galli our paleontologist, Usha Pindar our engineer, and Tom Paris our pilot and guide." "Okay, everyone. Most of you know the science of the project, but I want to make some details clear about the logistics. We are going into the Badlands. They don't call them that for nothing. Lots of asteroids and debris which makes flying difficult. That's why we have Mr. Paris here to get us from place to place in one piece. Apparently he knows his way around here rather well." "Better than most," Tom replied. "The real concern is the plasma storms. They can get to Level 3 and over. Ships have been destroyed around here on a fairly regular basis. The storm activity can be charted, and I've got the most recent data so we can plot a course to avoid them." Tom continued, "There's one other 'aspect' of this system you need to be familiar with. It's near the Cardassian border, this week it is anyway." Tom got a few speculative glances. "The rest of the quadrant doesn't seem all that aware that the Cardassian border seems to be undergoing a gradual movement in this sector. A large number of smaller planets have come under their control, or have ceded authority to avoid a hostile invasion. The Cardie presence is very strong. Some of the places you want to go to have active outposts. When we're on one of those, let's keep a low profile. They don't seem to like the federation very much. The good news is that we do have authorization to land on all of the survey sites, so we won't have to do any real 'evasive' maneuvering." Matt piped in, "But, we're a private research foundation. We aren't part of the political situation." Tom gave him a look Sue thought she recognized before he answered, "But you're here, and who you work for isn't going to matter to them very much." "Anything else, Tom?" Sue asked. "No, I think that covers it." "Then we're ready?" "Yes, Doctor Crabtree, we are." --- Sue was excited about her work, she had been looking forward to this expedition for months. The chance to do the research no one else had done before. She might just get the answer to a question she had been grappling with for years. The satisfaction would be incomparable. she thought to herself. She laughed softly to herself and said aloud, "You never take the easy way, do you, Dr. Crabtree?" Then her gaze fell on Tom, on the back of his neck actually. She remembered the spot just behind his ear and how sensitive it was to her touch. The memory made a shiver run up her spine. It wasn't a masculine description, but it was all she could think. He still took her breath away. Tom did look older though. Definitely not old, just a bit more worn. His hair was longer than the Starfleet regs, and she noticed his sideburns weren't in that distinctive pointed Starfleet style either. He looked more like he did when she first knew him than he did at the Academy. Sue's eyes followed the seam of his sleeve down his arm and to those hands. Large and strong, but with a grace not usually seen in men. In truth, Sue had met some excellent bench scientists who possessed such grace, but Tom was still very different from them. Tom manipulated the controls with ease. "This ship isn't half bad," he thought to himself. It had adequate maneuvering for its size, the balance and weight were good. Those features would give him the agility he'd need to traverse the Terikof belt. They were going in by an essentially untraveled route. This section of the quadrant had gone unnoticed for the life of the Federation, until the situation with the Cardassians began to develop. Parts of it still remained unexplored and unmapped. That was one of the things that drew Tom here, a place that was wild, untamed, and unexplored. Uncorrupted and uninfluenced by Starfleet. Here he was Tom the pilot. He could even be Tom Paris, and nobody gave it a second thought. Anonymity was his. They flew along briskly, Tom making the appropriate course corrections to avoid some slight ionic disturbances. It felt like it was going to be a smooth flight, although he knew better. As they approached the asteroid field, Tom called out behind him, "Okay, everybody. This could be a bit bumpy, so hang on." He turned back to face the viewscreen, and a wry grin could be seen in his reflection. He did enjoy these little hops between the planetoids of this system. It was one of the few perks of this place. He manipulated the controls deftly, accelerating in order to push past the gravitational pull of the first very large asteroid and then use it to propel the ship into another field, repeat the acceleration sequence and get past the next obstacle. By judicious use of thrusters, he could push from one field to another, skating between the massive rocks with ease. The ride for his passengers, however, was not nearly so easy. They didn't understand his strategy. He was even flying without a preset course, it was all manual! The passengers were nervous. Tom knew it, and could barely keep a grin off his face. He continued to fly in this sweeping, sloping, irregular flight pattern. The motion, even tempered by inertial dampers, proved to be too much for one of the technicians. She suddenly hopped up and ran for the sanitary cubicle at the back of the ship. Tom couldn't help that grin now. She had held out longer than most. He shot a quick glance to Sue. She was looking a bit concerned, but not concerned enough to do anything, yet. They were nearing the end of the path through the asteroids. Tom brought the ship through the last of the rocky debris and smoothly guided the ship into orbit around their destination. Sue exhaled deeply, unaware that she had been holding her breath. Tom couldn't see the expressions of his passengers, but he knew the looks they were exchanging. "You?" Sue muttered. "All right, people," Tom announced without looking back, "I have to land this thing now. Confirming landing site coordinates." Tom didn't even look at his hands as they moved over the controls. He could feel the gravity beginning to tug at the craft and began judging the effects. The gravitational pull increased with each meter they drew closer to the planet's surface. This constant change required a good deal of skill to maneuver and locate a precise set of coordinates. However, for Tom, this was almost as much fun as navigating the asteroid field had been. He was flying by the seat of his pants, so to speak. This planet and its atmosphere hadn't been very well surveyed, so he had little information to program into the flight computer. Tom ignored the meager display of information as it spooled by the control panel. The craft shuddered slightly as the inertial dampers adjusted and the craft descended into the atmosphere. The sky was still lit by the rising of the twin far-off suns of this remote world. This unremarkable planet was one of a small, special group of places which just might hold the secret of the divergence of the evolutionary tree. As they broke through the cloud layer, they could see the greens and blues of the planet below. The vegetation showed unusually dark green, almost blue, hue for a temperate climate. Tom finally touched the craft down with a delicate thud. "I hope everyone enjoyed the ride. Thank you for flying Paris Transport," Tom quipped. His self-satisfied smile was met with assorted groans and disparaging looks from the expedition team. The entire group hesitated a moment before getting up and getting to the business of unloading equipment and making a camp. The preceding trip was definitely not a standard space flight, even if it was a short trip in a small craft. As Matt passed Sue, he stopped to whisper to her, "You really know this guy?" before moving on. Sue smiled to herself, "Yeah, I do." --- The research team got the essentials of the camp in order and then began the first phase of their sample collection. One group conducted Tricorder scans of the area, while another began collection of representative soil samples. Later, plant tissues would be taken and a small group of insect species would be assembled. These samples would allow for the use of orthogonal methods to deduce the genetic and biochemical similarities between the species on this world and their relationship to others. A large number of samples were to be taken and all required some preparation prior to storage to preserve the biomolecules they would be analyzing later. This made quite a bit of work for everyone. Everyone except Tom Paris. His contract didn't include digging dirt and bugs. He did make himself useful by setting up much of the camp. Despite a B minus in survival skills at the academy, he felt he was competent to set up tents and organize supplies. By mid-afternoon, Tom found himself with a lack of things to do. He wasn't about to seek out Sue and ask for some kind of assignment. He may have had two semesters of Biochemistry, but Sue probably wouldn't feel that qualified him for anything more than the most rudimentary of tasks. This planet had no civilization to speak of. No town to explore. No shops, no bars. Nothing. Tom had become unbearably bored. He opted to take a walk and explore the site. His walk took him through the dense blue-green growth and through several clearings. There seemed to be a path worn into the ground, but from the height of the overhanging branches, whatever was accustom to walking here wasn't more than about 4 ft tall. Predatory animals don't wear paths into the ground. Only herbivorous herd animals would leave that kind of evidence. Still, he kept his eyes open. The scenery was not particularly remarkable and gave Tom the opportunity to think, something he hadn't been doing much of lately. When was the last time he? seen Sue? That was a rhetorical question. He knew exactly when. Biochemistry. Tom had not wanted to admit how much he had cared about her, and he had tried his best to forget, especially in Marseilles. He had had some good times there. There was so much history, so many new things to experience, so many beautiful women. Even with these distractions, he still thought about Sue. When he planned his next semester at the Academy, something possessed him to take Biochemistry as an elective. Tom remembered the look on his father's face when the Admiral asked him what a pilot and an Astrophysics major needed with biochemistry. The Admiral thought that surely there was *something else* which would be of more use to him. Tom had made some statement about how it was something different, he had an interest in it, and it was an elective anyway. Owen Paris hadn't looked convinced, but, to Tom's relief, had not pressed the issue further. The Admiral did not believe Tom's rationalization, and he suspected an alternative motivation for his son's course selection. He had checked on Tom? course requests earlier in the semester, as he routinely would do. He had noted the Biochemistry course and questioned it. Upon further investigation, the Admiral found that one of the assistants for the course was none other than Sue Crabtree. Her advisor, Dr. Melkonian, was the course coordinator. The Admiral thought, "Damn. The boy isn't thinking." Owen Paris knew Biochemistry was not an easy class and felt it would drain too much of Tom's time and attention that should be spent elsewhere. All because he was still mooning over a girl. Tom? mother had told him that the two had broken up, and it seemed clear that the girl had instigated it. However, Elaine didn't? know anything more than her son was heartbroken over it. Owen Paris' sympathies were limited. These things happened in life and Tom would have to learn how to cope with them. Tom never said one word about Sue to his father, and Owen thought it best not to bring it up. So, when he discovered that his son was enrolling in a class, the true purpose of which was to be close to the girl who had broken up with him, he shook his head in disbelief. Tom was still too emotional! How could he let that kind of thing affect him so much? How long had he dated her anyway? A few months? He assumed Tom had slept with her. That couldn't be the problem? No. Tom Paris was an outgoing and good-looking young man, and it was obvious that if sex was what he wanted, he was quite likely to find it. Tom wasn't thinking clearly. He was caught up in some romantic notion, and it could interfere with his performance at the Academy. That was not acceptable. Owen did think that Tom would come to his senses soon enough and not continue with the Biochemistry course. Better to let him decide on his own than to do it for him. A cadet in Starfleet Academy had to make his own decisions and take responsibility for them. He did suggest that Tom drop the class, but he was not insistent. When first semester went reasonably well for Tom, Owen still didn't approve, but decided not to push the issue for the second semester. Tom had signed up for the class knowing Sue was going to assist. He told himself that he wanted to study something different, add to his background, but that wasn't the whole truth. He wanted to see her. He hadn't tried to make contact with her since the last day of the first semester when she had come to see him and he had been so cold to her. When he first saw her in class, he still felt something, despite everything he'd been doing to try to forget. At first, just seeing her was hard. It was distracting to know that she was up in the back row of the lecture hall with the assistants. Sometimes he swore he could feel her eyes caressing the back of his neck. The first few weeks of class he didn't talk to her at all, but he knew she was aware that he was enrolled in the class. It had taken a few days for her to notice him coming into the hall, but when their eyes met, her face showed surprise and anxiety. Sue was able to manage a small smile. Tom answered in kind and walked down the stairs to take his seat. As the semester continued, he found he was able to talk with her occasionally, although the conversation was strained, and always about the class. Sue had no idea why he'd taken Biochemistry of all things. Seeing Tom in the class had been a complete surprise. Part of her felt joy at the sight of him, and regret, but another part felt strong in her resolve. She had no reason to change her mind. Tom was very much in Command Track, in every sense. It was difficult having him as a student, but she couldn't, and wouldn't, try to avoid him or her responsibilities. As the semester continued it became easier working with Tom, and they could almost manage a conversation not directly related to the course. The week before the final exam at the end of the second semester, Tom had been in the Assistant's office with Sue, going over some last questions. Sue was reviewing the intricacies of DNA replication and Tom found that he had stopped listening and was lost in her eyes. She had such passion for this topic. He certainly didn't know why, but he couldn't help being attracted to the energy and confidence Sue possessed. "Tom?" Sue had stopped her explanation when she realized Tom was no longer paying attention. "Hello, Tom? I take it you're now an expert on Okazaki fragments?" He smiled, "No." Suddenly his face took on a more earnest expression than she had seen from him for more than a year, "What went wrong with us, Sue?" Sue did not want to discuss their relationship. It was difficult enough being around him in a strictly student/teacher capacity. She certainly *had* thought about being with him again, and it would only get harder to keep convincing herself that she shouldn't. "Tom, I'm not going to discuss this with you again. You and I are past history." "Come on, Sue. Doesn't this feel right to you?" He leaned over the table and kissed her. She breathed in sharply and felt the electricity of the moment as his lips caressed hers. She wanted so much to continue. She flashed back to making love on the beach and felt her body respond, rebelling against her mind. She had to stop. Now. She broke the kiss and pushed back from Tom. "No," she said looking down. "I haven't changed my mind about you and I. I still think you are making a big mistake in what you're doing, and I can't support it. I'm sorry." Tom's face betrayed the disappointments he felt for a moment, but only for a moment. He straightened up and resumed a neutral expression. "So am I," he replied as he picked up his PADDs. "Thanks for the help. I'm sure the final will go well." Sue returned a sad smile. "Goodbye, Tom." She watched him walk out of the room. He didn't seek her out again. If she really felt that way, there was nothing he could do about it. Tom thought it was better not to waste time and all the lovely cadets around. He did see her for a brief moment at graduation. They'd simply nodded to each other. --- Tom's recollections of his past with Sue didn't leave him in a terribly jovial mood. He didn't know how, with no bars or social gathering places of any kind available, he would be able to raise his spirits. The prospect of a full day of revisiting his past wasn't appealing in the least. As Tom made his way back toward the camp he spotted one of the technicians. He realized it was the girl who had gotten ill during the flight earlier. She was a young Bajoran woman named Dar Magda. She was like most Bajorans, small-boned and petite. She wasn't a dramatic beauty, but pretty with dark hair and eyes. Tom thought she was definitely the shy and quiet type. She was a fairly accomplished tech and had been working with Sue for the past two years. Tom loved all women, Bajorans in particular. They had those sensuous little forehead ridges. He found himself admiring the attributes of technician Dar and thought perhaps he might want to get to know her just a bit better. In his current state of mind, he could use some cheering up. "Hello," a smooth tenor voice drawled out. Magda stopped short, holding an autosampler in midair, and turned to see Tom Paris. "Oh, hello," she replied. She was visibly flustered by Tom's approach and suddenly seemed to be confused about what she had been doing just prior to his appearance. "Dar, I wanted to apologize." "For what?" "For the *ride* I took you on earlier. I admit I made it just a bit rougher than it had to be." Magda blushed, feeling embarrassed at getting sick while crossing the asteroid belt. "Thank you. I really haven't done much space travel. I didn't expect it to be like that." "It isn't always. Usually it's pretty smooth sailing." Tom had moved closer to the petite Bajoran, beginning to invade her personal space. Magda noticed his proximity and felt herself starting a blush. They continued their exchange of small talk, and Dar was slowly but surely being taken in by this very handsome, very worldly man. Sue was making the rounds of her team, assuring that the work was proceeding on schedule. As she approached the sample preparation area, Sue saw Tom and her technician involved in what appeared to be an intense conversation and wondered what he was up to. Tom was leaning in toward her solicitously, giving her a look Sue hadn't seen before on the face of Tom Paris. Was it purposely seductive? He was obviously coming on to the girl, and it looked like it was working. Sue was surprised. She didn't expect this kind of behavior from him. Tom hadn't been the type to "pick up" women at random. After they had broken up at the Academy, she had heard rumors about him and his "conquests", but very few panned out to be true. A few of the "social climbing" types had approached her for details about Tom once they found out she'd dated him. Sue hadn't contributed to the gossip, but she heard plenty. For some reason, Tom had been a favorite topic of the grapevine. What was he doing with her technician? If nothing else, Dar was running behind schedule, and that wasn't good. Sue felt that she had to find out what was going on there. "Magda, how is that analysis going?" The younger woman almost jumped as her boss broke her concentration on this *charming* pilot she was just getting to know. "Oh, Sue. Just fine." "Sue, you are such the slave driver," Tom observed without shifting his very casual and very inviting stance. "Me? Oh, yeah. I'm the most demanding boss a person could ask for." As much as Magda wanted to spend some time with Tom, she suddenly got the feeling that Sue wanted a few words with Tom, alone. She also realized she *was* running behind and looked closely at a PADD, noting that she would be needing some more reagents to complete the sample processing. "I'm going to get a few more supplies. Excuse me." "Nice talking with you," Tom said. Dar quickly looked away from him. His eyes followed her as she walked off toward the main camp. Tom shifted his gaze to Sue, a puzzled expression on his face, his eyebrows crinkling together. She didn't look happy. "Is there some problem, Doc?" "No. No problem. Just an observation of a phenomenon I can't explain." "And what phenomenon is that, exactly?" Tom said, more sarcasm creeping into his voice than he intended. "Tom, I know it's been a while since we've seen each other, but what the hell was that little display?" "Display? There was no display. Just a friendly conversation. Look, I didn't know that I wasn't allowed to *talk* to the members of your team. That wasn't in my contract." "Talking is one thing, but honestly, Tom. The way you were coming on to her, the girl wouldn't stand a chance." "Thank you," Tom replied with a smug expression. "That wasn't a compliment. You aren't really interested in a 20 year old Bajoran lab technician who gets motion sick, are you?" "Maybe I am. Would that be a problem for you?" He asked suggestively. "Come on, Tom. She's not your type." "And just who is my type?" "Evidently, a rather larger segment of the population than I had reason to believe. I assume anybody with a pulse will do." Even Sue was surprised at how hurt she sounded. Tom started. "Sue, do you really think that's fair?" Sue paused. "I never told you, but a lot of female cadets tried to get information on you from me in the Academy, your likes, dislikes, erogenous zones. I didn't tell them anything; it wasn't any of their business." "Gee, thanks." Tom said as a cool grin began to creep up his face, "You know there was one thing that did *wonders* for my reputation at the Academy. There was this recurring rumor that I'd take girls for "rides" in flight simulators in the middle of the afternoon. I was wild, unpredictable. Apparently somebody caught me coming out of the simulator with a girl one afternoon after just such a tryst. The rest," he paused and focused his gaze on her, "is history." Sue felt a blush start at the memory of that afternoon. That had been *her * idea after all. "Tom I know that there may have been a lot of talk, but you weren't going through the freshman class. They told stories, but the details were off. I would know." Tom looked away from her. "The Tom I knew didn't come onto women at random, no mater what the rumors were. Is this how you treat people? I don't remember you behaving like this while we were together." Tom's face fell. This little sparring match had gone from being fun to being far too personal. "Not all. Sue we haven't seen each other for a long time. We've grown up, we've changed. Things haven't exactly worked out the way we planned them." "Still, I don't understand." "Look, you don't know a damn thing about me except my name. Don't you judge me, or what I do, okay?" His tone was harsh, not totally convincing. "Fine. Then, Mr. Paris, would you please consider the following an additional clause on your contract for this mission. You are not to seduce any member of my research team. Is that understood?" "Yes, Doctor Crabtree. I'll consider that an order." Tom turned and headed back towards the camp, leaving Sue to wonder why they'd just had this argument, and just how much had Tom Paris changed since the Academy? --- The expedition progressed smoothly. They spent two days at the first site, Beta Four. The next day they loaded supplies and samples back aboard the *Sanger* and headed for Phi Twenty One, another small and unremarkable planetoid in this system. Space between the two sites was clear of anomalies and interferences. It was an easy trip, although it would take them one full day to cover the distance. During the flight, Sue couldn't help thinking about the disagreeable way she and Tom had spoken to each other earlier in their journey. It was true she *didn't* know anything about what his life had been like or what he had been doing since they had graduated from the academy, almost six years ago. He wasn't in Starfleet, and deep down that pleased her. That had to be a good thing for him. However, it was also quite clear that he was not leading a successful life, living job to job out in this corner of the quadrant. Curiosity and something else she couldn't quite define pushed her to try to smooth the way between them. "Tom?" "Yes, Doc?" Sue sighed. "Tom, I didn't want to get into an argument with you the other day." "That makes two of us." "Look, you were monopolizing my technician while she was trying to get her work done. It took a lot of planning and effort to get this expedition together. *My* work and effort. I just don't want to waste the time and resources I've got, it's too important. Do you understand, Tom?" Tom shifted his gaze from just beyond her back to directly into her eyes. "Point made, Doc." "Tom, could you drop the *Doc*. Everybody here calls me Sue." Tom smiled. "Sure thing, Sue." This time it was a very genuine smile. He was beginning to feel like this trip might not be so bad after all. --- The team spent the next two days collecting samples on Phi Twenty One. It was a small, unpopulated planetoid that seemed to support a large variety of small mammals and birds. The forested area at night was far from quiet, and some of the team members found it difficult to sleep for all the calls and rustlings. They were scheduled to go on to the next site first thing in the morning. Most of the preparations were complete for the flight, and the team was trying to get in some well deserved rest. However, the leader of the expedition wasn't taking advantage of the break. Sue was doing some preliminary analysis of the key DNA sequences they were evaluating in the field. 'This data is going to be it,' she thought. 'The answers are *here*, I know it.' She stopped and realized she hadn't moved from her chair for over an hour, and she could feel it. Her ankles were stiff from the cross-legged position she'd been holding. Sue got up, stretched, and headed for the canteen area. Maybe a coffee would be just the thing. Evidently, she wasn't the only one looking for a coffee at that late hour. "Hello Tom." "Hi. What brings you out of your data cache?" "Coffee." "Coming right up." Tom poured her a steaming cup of liquid life. "Thanks." She took a sip. "Not bad. Did you make this?" "No, I can't take credit for that. But I did remember you take your coffee black." Sue smiled and continued to sip the coffee. "So, Sue. I haven't asked you yet? "Yes?" "You're not in Starfleet anymore. How did that happen?" Sue blew on her coffee and considered the question. "Actually, Tom, it was a very quiet ending. No controversy, no fuss. I just resigned my commission. You were already assigned to the Exeter when I made the decision. Which version of the story do you want? The short one or the one with all the gory details?" "Whichever you prefer, I don't think I'm going anywhere tonight," he replied grinning. Sue shook her head. Every now and then *her* Tom Paris made an appearance, and she felt more than just nostalgia when he did. "All right then. You know I graduated the Academy." "Yes, I remember," his face growing somber for just a moment. "I tried to be a science officer, really I did. I made it through six months on the science staff on a mission to explore a newly discovered M class planet near the rim. Then, well, I couldn't do it anymore. If I had to salute one more time, I was going to flip someone off. So, I resigned. No muss, no fuss. I didn't care what my status would be." Sue Crabtree's first posting had been to the Lexington. The Lexington was a Yorktown class starship which had spent most of the time traveling from one system to another on a variety of missions. For the science staff, that meant sporadic outbursts of activity, followed by seemingly endless periods of travel in between systems. Their assignment was to sample and catalogue new specimens of microscopic life. They would do some preliminary analysis on the ship, but the bulk of the work would be done back at Star Base Fourteen. The research staff there would complete the more sophisticated analysis and the interpretation of the data. This wasn't quite what Sue expected from a career in Starfleet as a Science Officer. In the six months she was on the Lexington, there were few incidents which warranted any change in the routine. She was bored and disillusioned. During her time at the Academy she had gotten to work in a semi-independent fashion with her advisor. Dr. Melkonian told Sue they had a "unique" working relationship, but Sue didn't realize just how true that was. It was unusual for a professor to work so closely with a student, but she was an unusual professor. Dr. Melkonian was a Starfleet officer who had worked to get a permanent position at the Academy. The permanence of being faculty at the Academy provided an unusual mixture of Starfleet organization and the flexibility of academic research. Sue had seen this and thought it was more the norm than it was. Sue Crabtree was a creative and innovative scientist who often found herself disagreeing with the current paradigms in life science research. She truly felt that she could provide logical arguments for her opinions. However, her point of view didn't help her fit into the mold of a Starfleet Science Officer. In fact, it often led to professional disagreements with her commanding officers. In the end, all parties involved agreed that Sue was making the best choice possible by resigning. Sue continued to tell her story. "I went to Oxford and spent 4 years on my Doctorate. After the Academy, it was a piece of cake. Then I found myself on the scientific fringe. My theories are not very traditional." She giggled to herself. "Well, it was all for the best. Now, I'm doing private research for the Daystrom institute. They don't seem to mind my ideas at all." "Somehow I'm not surprised." Sue furrowed her brow. "About being on the scientific fringe I mean. I am surprised about Starfleet." "Why? You of all people shouldn't be surprised that I quit. I couldn't make myself fit into the mold. No compromises." Her mind flashed back to the memory of an 18 year old Tom Paris speaking to her with a voice so dull and cold it made her heart ache, telling her she was a great gal, and that he'd see her around. That image still haunted her. She suddenly regretted her last statement and the memories it was sure to invoke. "I suppose you're right. I'm obviously not in Starfleet anymore either." Tom found it still hurt to say it. "I gathered that. What happened, if you don't mind my asking?" Tom slid into his traveler at whim mode. "That's a long story. I'll tell it to you sometime. For now, I'm here. Later I'll be somewhere else. I've found I like being on the move, doing whatever I want. Making my own rules, living life my own way....," Tom expounded with a dramatic wave of his hand. He sounded like a man who had the universe at his disposal and was carelessly contemplating what to do with it next. Sue took another sip of her coffee. This didn't sound like the Tom Paris she knew. This Tom Paris was more self-centered, and truth be told, a bit obnoxious. If she was meeting him for the first time, Sue wasn't sure she'd like him. They passed the rest of the evening filling in details of the past few years. Much later Sue realized that she'd been doing most of the talking and still didn't really know how Tom had come to be a pilot for hire in this remote corner of the quadrant. She certainly wanted to know, but she thought better of asking outright. --- The heart of the mission for the Daystrom Institute's team was to collect representative samples from similar environments; plant life, soil microbes, and small insects. Anecdotal reports on the Terikof belt indicated the planetoids were home to remarkably dissimilar life forms. For a relatively small part of space, this was a phenomenon that was worthy of exploration and study. The relative differences indicated that the development of these species was not random. Despite the exploration and demystification of so much of the known universe, relatively little was known about the evolution of species, at least in a galactic sense. The general pattern of evolution of species on several words, including earth, was well-characterized. A major obstacle to this work had historically been the definition of a species. Primitive classification systems relied on physical similarities. Once genetic and biochemical analysis became routine, diagnostic markers had been selected to determine how related two organisms were. The development of a common system of classification based on biochemical markers allowed for Sue's chosen field to come into existence. Galactic evolutionary patterns. The implications of this work were far-reaching. Data could conceivably be generated that could support or contradict strongly held religious or political beliefs. True to its roots, the Daystrom Institute had been a supporter of this area of study since it began to take shape within the scientific community. Site Gamma Nine was another small planetoid in the Terikof belt. It strongly resembled the boreal forest of the high altitude climates on earth. The air was cool and slightly damp, but was a refreshing change after the cloying heat of the last site. The crew had set up camp and begun to take the next round of samples. Sue had trudged out into the forest and began some initial scans. She made her way between some very prickly varieties of conifers and delicate silvery trees with tiny leaves that quivered with the slightest breath of wind. It felt like the forest out of some ancient fairy tale. Sue caught herself as the next thought that entered her mind was one contemplating where her "prince charming" could be. She said aloud, "Now where are you, you elusive little thing?" She was looking for a specific and unusual variety of fern. Preliminary scans revealed several closely related varieties. However, there was one that seemed to poses a radically different photosynthetic mechanism if the IR scans indicating high concentrations of strontium were correct. IR scans showed a very unusual fingerprint. The fern appeared to posses an altered porphyrin ring in its chlorophyll molecules. Only a very weak signal was visible for the region associated with magnesium, the ion that usually was part of the photosynthetic machinery. Strontium could be substituted for magnesium, in theory. But what possible advantage would it have? Sue mulled these questions as she continued the search. It was that fern that she was looking for. Scans could reveal the likelihood of its existence, but not its exact location. As she continued her trek she was able to collect samples of the first two varieties she needed. Now scans of the area ahead of her showed the distinctive IR spectrum. When she approached the source of the signal, she realized that this fern was growing exclusively on the pockets of soil which had been worn from the sedimentary layers of a rocky cliff that lay ahead. The cliff was very high in dolomite concentration and slightly acidic, making the soil almost unusable for most plants. "How could this little fern exist here?" she thought. Sue knew that she had to get samples of those plants. They didn't have transporter equipment, so she couldn't just "beam" the samples down. There was only one way to get to them. Somebody would have to climb up and get them. She smiled and said to herself, "I knew having Tom around might come in handy." Sue headed back to camp to assign a task to the pilot on her team who, she was sure, would be bored to tears by this time. Tom jumped at the chance to not only *do* something, but something he enjoyed. It had been some time since he had gone rock climbing. The team was outfitted with some very basic gear, nothing as advanced as Starfleet issue. The pitons had to be driven in manually, and of course, there was no possibility of an emergency beam-out if he got into trouble. Tom didn't particularly care that he was going to make this climb to get a sample of a *fern*. Sue spent most of their walk to the cliff explaining exactly why this plant was of such importance. She was obviously excited and interested in her work. Tom wasn't paying particular attention to what she was saying. He was more focused on the energy she seemed to project, and how her expression changed when she began to analyze some aspect of the project out loud. Tom chuckled to himself. "What?" Sue stopped suddenly. "What's so funny about electron resonance in porphyrin rings?" "Sue, remember I only have two semesters of biochemistry, and that's going back a few years now. I haven't exactly kept current with it." "Oh. Sorry. I was going on and on wasn't I?" She smiled with mild embarrassment. "I tend to do that." "I remember. Don't worry about it. It's kinda nice to see someone so excited about what they do for a living." "The samples are just ahead." As they walked into the clearing Sue pointed out the object of her search, a small unremarkable clump of ferns that had a bluish cast to its leaves. The greenery had sprouted in a crevice along a rocky outcropping, about 20 meters up from the ground. "Well, that doesn't look too bad." Tom began to inspect the rock surface. "Not too slick. There seem to be a good number of potential handholds." He looked upwards, "It shouldn't take too long." Tom proceeded to get outfitted for the climb. He changed shoes to ones designed for climbing. They were coated with a special semi-adhesive polymer which allowed for greater adhesion as more force was applied. The more you needed it, the more they stuck. He donned climber's gloves that left the fingertips free, but protected the palms from rope burns. He then got himself trussed up in a climbing harness and checked the remainder of his equipment; a carefully coiled safety line, pitons, and a mallet to drive them. "I think I'm set." "Okay. When you get up there, just dig the plant out, including the roots and put it in here," Sue said handing him a polymer sample bag. "Yes ma'am." Tom began the ascent up the rock face. He took his time and carefully found each handhold, stopping every 4 meters or so to drive in another piton and secure his safety line. He'd forgotten how much he enjoyed this, it had been years since he'd indulged this hobby of his. It was a nice, simple climb. He made it to the crevice and dug out the sample. "Whew! Sue let me add one observation to your notes," he called down to her as he bagged the plant and attached it to his harness. "What? Did you find something else?" "No. This plant has one rotten smell. Good thing there aren't many like it." Sue laughed. "I'll make a note of it. Now, get down here without breaking your neck." "This is the easy part!" Tom called as he took firm hold of the rope and repelled down the outcropping, probably a lot faster than he needed to. "Ahh. Also the fun part." He handed the bag to Sue. "Just what you ordered. One obscure blue fern that stinks like hell." "Thanks. It's one smelly obscure blue fern that has an almost identical relative on the first planetoid we stopped at. Just that one grows in the marsh." "Thanks for clearing that up," Tom said as he finished coiling the rope. He changed back out of his climbing gear and made a final check. "Ready to go." As Tom and Sue waked back to camp, they realized they somehow felt more comfortable with each other than they had earlier in the trip. Tom thought it was good to have someone to talk to who wasn't out to make a credit off of you, or who you needed to make a credit off of. --- Sue sat near the fire going over her sample logs from the day's work. It had been a very productive day. The camp lights would have provided more than enough illumination, but she felt like sitting here, next to the fire. Somehow being outside under the stars made her feel more connected to this planet. Maybe that sense of connection would assist her in discovering the secrets of its origin as she hoped to do. She almost didn't notice the tall figure in a long coat as he walked up to her. "That's some view of the stars, huh?" She looked up with a start. "Oh, Tom, it's you." "Well, that's an enthusiastic greeting." "Sorry. I was just focusing on organizing these sample logs." "If I'm bothering you, I can come back later." "No, please, sit." She gestured to the storage locker next to the one she had appropriated for herself. Tom sat and looked off into the night. "I've got some very acceptable Andorian whiskey, would you like some?" "Well, I've never been much of a drinker, but I'll have one." Tom took the bottle out of the folds of his coat and two glasses from his pocket. "Are you always this prepared?" "Not always." He poured two glasses of the amber liquid and handed one to Sue. Sue asked, "So what do we drink to?" "I'll drink to anything. You call it." "Then, let's drink to the project," she paused, "and to old friends." Tom got a wistful look on his face and clicked his glass to Sue's. "To, old friends," Tom echoed, and drained his glass. Sue sipped at the liquor and was surprised at its strength. There was a long moment while each looked ahead and contemplated conversation. "Sue, we're more than old friends." "I know," Sue sighed. "It just seemed toasting to old lovers wasn't right." "We were more than just lovers though. We were friends too, weren't we?" "Yeah, I suppose we were." A very still silence passed between them, and Sue found herself looking closely at the profile of Tom Paris. Almost the same young man she knew, but something had changed in his expression. She wondered if it was just growing up and growing older. "You really did a job on me, you know? I didn't want to admit it for a long time." Tom still looked straight ahead and seemed to be focusing on his now second glass of liquor. "Tom, I don't know what to say? Sue started. "Hey, don't think about it. It was a long time ago, we were just kids." Tom's expression resumed a conversational air and he continued, "You're not married or anything, are you? " "Only to my work. Actually academia is an incestuous place. You invariably wind up involved with someone you work with or work with someone you're involved with. " "You involved with Matt?" "Him? No. Although, I think he might be interested in me. The advisor/student relationship can be complicated. He's so young." Sue paused to take another sip of her drink. "I take it you're not involved either." "Not tonight. So far anyway," he said with eyebrows raised. "Not with me you don't." Sue poked him in the ribs with her elbow. "Ow, hey? Tom feigned injury. "Cut the crap, Tom. I answered your question, you answer mine." "Well, there was someone I was serious about a while back. I even thought she might be, 'the one'. But, that's over." "Sorry." "No, that one is probably better all around if it stays over." Sue got the feeling that she shouldn't push that line of questioning any further. They continued making small talk and sipping the whiskey. Soon the whiskey broke down the barriers they'd been holding up. They began to talk in earnest. Sue told Tom about her decision to leave Starfleet, not just the facts, but how hard it had been, how she had felt like a failure, how she had to justify that decision to Starfleet, her family, herself. She asked about Tom's family. Tom was willing to talk about his sisters and his mother. Janet was now doing post-doctoral work in archaeology on the moons of Risa. Catherine had parlayed her love of argument into a thriving legal practice. Elaine continued with her art and her work. Tom admitted he hadn't actually had contact with them for some time. Sue thought he looked lonely, or was that empty? "I assume your dad is still in Starfleet?" Tom snorted. "Of course he is. Nothing less but a full and distinguished career for Owen Paris." *unlike me..* Tom added silently. "A career in Starfleet. What the hell were we thinking, Sue?" "We were young. Naive. I thought I knew what I wanted, but I didn't. It wasn't what you really wanted either, was it Tom?" Tom stopped and took another long drink. "Goddamit. I did everything they ever asked. No questions. I risked my life for those missions. I did what they told me to, and what did it get me? My failing was that I couldn't live with blood on my hands. Problem is, it was on theirs as much as mine. I was willing to take a demotion, change of assignment, whatever. But no, they have to make an example of me, after I take the blame for everything?" He let out a sound of rage and tossed the empty bottle hard against the wall where it shattered. Sue was surprised by this sudden outburst. She certainly didn't know what he was talking about or why he was in such obvious pain. "Tom, what do you mean, ' you took the blame for everything'?" Tom didn't seem to hear her. He continued to spill out some of the emotion that he'd kept bottled up. Tom did hear her question, but couldn't answer. He'd already said too much, and the torrent of emotion was taking on a will of its own. "I spent my whole life doing what everybody else wanted. My father, the academy, my C/O. Always what they wanted before what I wanted. I didn't even know what I wanted. Now?Now, it's a different story. Now, *I* get the chance to find out what makes Tom Paris tick, what he really gets off on. What he wants to do with his life, Damn the right and wrong and social convention. I can do anything I want to, find out what *I* am. I've done a lot of things I didn't expect I'd do. Some I'd do again, some not. I can drink as much as I want, fuck as much as I want, fly as fast as I want, and I don't have to answer to anybody or anything. I'm finally feeling what it's like to be alive, to push the envelope, to see the gritty dark side of life, not just the clean polished surface. *All* of it. It is my life, *mine*, I can live it any way I want. I'm finally free." Sue regarded him with a lack of sympathy, and more than a little confusion as he continued. "Look, I've just gotten to know the darker side of myself better than most people do. We all have one. I'm not afraid of mine. He and I are good friends now." Tom smiled cynically. "Yeah, we know each other intimately." "Tom, that's bullshit. It's not that you have gotten to know your darker side, it seems to have taken over the rest of you. That's some lame excuse designed to cover for why you aren't taking responsibility for being such a failure in your life right now. Confronting demons is one thing, giving control over to the demon is quite another." Tom stopped and tried to get his bearings. "Such a failure?. Thank you, Sue. A perfect end to a perfect evening. Bonsoir Madame," he said with exaggerated emphasis as he affected a bow before turning on his heel and walking away to his tent. Sue was stunned and suddenly ashamed. Telling him to his face that he was a "failure" was not the nicest thing to do, especially when she knew how fragile Tom's faith in himself could be. She just hadn't expected any of the reactions she had seen from Tom tonight. He was decidedly not the same man she had known back in the Academy. --- Tom entered his tent angry from having words with Sue. The evening had started out nicely enough, but had abruptly turned into a nasty exchange. She had never been afraid to cut to the heart of the matter when they had been together. However, Tom had not appreciated her honesty tonight. "A failure." That's what she called him. And, right now, that's what he was. Considering what he had going for him and what he had accomplished, being a sometime-pilot for hire in a remote corner of the quadrant was far from a sterling achievement. Sue probably hadn't meant to hurt him, but she had none the less. He really hadn't wanted to take this particular train of thought tonight. "Damn. Shouldn't have tossed that bottle. That wasn't bad stuff," he thought as he lay back on the bed and slowly worked into a troubled sleep. --- Sue awoke to another temperate day on Gamma Nine. Tomorrow they would be en route to the next site. She hadn't slept well at all. Why did he make her so angry? She was disappointed with him for being what he was, and at the same time secretly rejoiced in his not being what he had set out to be. She had felt strongly about Tom from the moment they had met. She had fallen in lust, and then in love with him. If she had been asked just a few weeks ago, Sue would have chuckled over the memory of Tom Paris. Bittersweet, but someone she thought of fondly as a part of her past. She would definitely have said that her feelings were in the past tense as well. This morning she wasn't so sure. Sue spent most of the day coordinating the efforts of her staff, but she found her thoughts and eyes drifting to Tom. He wasn't finding too much to do after checking the ship's systems and analyzing the sensor data on the climatic changes. She wanted to say something, possibly apologize. It was Tom who approached her first. "Sue," Tom asked with detectable trepidation in his voice. "I wanted to let you know that we're ready for the flight tomorrow. And?" He stopped as Sue looked on expectantly. "Damn. Look, I didn't like how last night went. I shouldn't have gotten so pissed off. Too much whiskey. Anyway, we were doing pretty good before I lost it." He paused and looked at her meaningfully, "Can we go back to that, you think?" She smiled and felt a tremendous sense of relief. "That we can, Tom. I shouldn't have said some things I did either." Both of them felt the tension drain away, but an awkwardness replaced it. "Well. Tom, I need to finish up this data compilation." "Don't let me hold up your work. I'll see you later," he replied as he moved to leave. "How about having dinner with me later?" Tom answered with a grin, "Count on it." --- Gamma Nine wasn't a very distinctive place. Just a small planetoid in the far corner of an overlooked part of the quadrant. But it did have its charms. It could be very quiet. Very peaceful. Very still. The group usually ate at the same time. Their engineer, Usha, had offered to double as cook for the trip. No objections were raised as she actually was an accomplished cook. Tom and Sue sat together at dinner together that evening. Later on they moved to the edge of the camp, giving them some privacy. Dar noticed Sue and Tom walking together, away from the camp common area. She watched them make their way to the edge of the clearing and make themselves comfortable on a fallen tree. They seemed very intent on their conversation, whatever it was. Dar saw the calm confidence that Sue exuded with him, a confidence she knew she lacked. The scene made her uncomfortable somehow, and slowly she realized she was feeling a pang of jealousy. Dar quickly admonished herself, and wondered what there was to be jealous of. Did she want the kind of confidence Sue had? Did she want that man as well? Word had gotten around the group that Tom and Sue knew each other from her time in Star Fleet Academy. From what Dar could see, it looked like they had known each other very well. She felt a blush come to her cheeks as she thought of her conversation with Tom Paris and Sue's interrupting them. Maybe he had been overly friendly, maybe not. She heard animated laughter from the edge of the camp and looked up to see Sue giggling in a most un-professorial way. This was a side of Sue she hadn't seen before, no one on the expedition had. With that, Dar banished all thoughts of Tom Paris, and set about finishing letters to her family. She certainly didn't want to interfere with her boss' personal affairs. No matter how charming they might be. --- Tom and Sue talked as they sat at the edge of the camp on Gamma Nine and found the awkwardness they had felt earlier slowly dissolve. Tom even found a way to make Sue laugh. When they reached a lull in the conversation, they sat and listened. There was almost no sound from the camp or any of the creatures on this planet. The stillness began to lull them into a soft sweet sense of security. They sat close together, thigh touching thigh. Sue took a sidelong glance into those deep blue pools and knew it was no use. There was no way she could keep out of this man's bed tonight. She'd always been unable to resist Tom Paris, except at the very end of their relationship. No matter how much she loved and wanted him, she'd let him go. Sue thought to herself, "That 's too charitable. You removed him from your life." She felt a twinge of sorrow. Leaving Tom was the one decision in her life she ever felt regret over. Not that she'd done the wrong thing-- she still felt that the relationship between Tom and Susie, the Starfleet cadets, was doomed, and could only have ended badly-- but because Tom had been so hurt by her. That she regretted. She also wished that she'd been able to convince Tom that he didn't belong in Starfleet command. He could have made a very good career out of Starfleet, even in command track, but without the relentless pursuit of *success* the way he was prepping to do. He just refused to see it. Starfleet wasn't there for him now. Who was in his life anymore? Right now, she realized she was it. "I've kind of gotten attached to this place. It's going to be hard to leave it," Sue said. Tom smiled back at her. "Out in the middle of one of the remotest places in the quadrant, and you'll miss it?" "Maybe it's not so much the place as the company that I'm going to miss." Sue took a deep breath and turned her face to look into Tom's eyes. She took in all that she could see there, all that he still kept hidden. She wanted to hold him, comfort him. Part of her wanted to make love to him. In an instant, she remembered how gentle and how strong he could be, and how much she'd loved the feel of his body against hers. The expression on his face reflected that he wasn't the same young man she'd loved and played with all those summer afternoons. She could see the wear and the pain that clouded the blue of his eyes. But that didn't change how she felt or what she wanted now. Maybe it was unfair, maybe it was selfish. She still wanted him. At this moment things just seemed *right* between the two of them. Tom returned her gaze and saw the same woman he'd loved so long ago. His first love. His first lover. He needed to be loved, and right now he wanted it to be her. He wanted to change so much of what had happened in the past few years. If he could only turn back the clock and go back to when he and Sue had been together and so innocently happy. Just for a moment, Tom wanted to be seventeen again. His life hadn't been perfect, no matter what it may have looked like to the casual observer. But he'd had some semblance of home, family, and love. Now one part of that equation was before him--one part that maybe he could put back into place. Tom reached out and took her face in his hands. He scanned her face. He wanted her, not just the physical way he'd wanted the most recent lovers in his life, but in a way that he hadn't felt for a long time. All those emotions he'd lost touch with began to surface, threatening to loosen his control, and he slammed them back down. *Not now. Tonight all I want is to love this woman. I want her to want me, really?want?.me. I'm not going to ask for more than that.* Sue reached up and caressed his hand, moving it from her chin and up to her lips. She kissed his palm softly. She looked up into his eyes and said, "Tom, I know it's more than I have the right to ask, but would you be with me tonight? No strings, I promise." Tom didn't know if he was overwhelmed with joy that she wanted him, or disappointment that she was already laying the groundwork for a strictly physical affair. But it was something. It was enough to move him to take her in his arms and kiss her with a passion that he hoped she would know was sincere. The touch of her lips was new and at the same time so familiar. At his touch, Sue thought, "Dear God. That chemistry or electricity, or whatever it is, is still there." As their kiss intensified, their bodies begin to remember each other and respond. Tom slid his hands down her neck to her shoulders and began to part her lips with his tongue. Sue opened her mouth to him and began to reacquaint herself with his mouth as well. Their tongues touched and moved against each other slowly, filling each other's mouths as deeply as possible. She reveled in the feel of his hands as they slowly slid down her shoulders and back, enclosing her in his embrace. They finally broke to breathe, Tom asked with a tone that didn't match the boldness of his words, "So, your tent or mine?" Sue giggled, Tom could be so full of himself. "Well, as the leader of this expedition, I do have the slightly larger tent." "Yes, ma'am," Tom replied. "Lead the way." Taking Tom's hand, she walked him to her tent. After they entered, Sue put her PADD down on the table and turned to face Tom. Those eyes--she could gaze into them forever. He brought his arms up around her and began to nuzzle her ear, then working his way down her neck with soft kisses. "Tom? " "Yes?" He continued his worship of her neck and shoulder. "I just want you to know, it's been a while? for me." He stopped and scanned her face. "What?" "I've been more dedicated to my work than to myself. I haven't had time. I don't know. I just don't have the best luck it seems." "Sue, that doesn't make a difference to me. You're here. I'm here. We can just be us for a while, okay? Where we've been or who with doesn't matter, does it?" "No. It doesn't. " Sue smiled as she reached up and took the hair clips out of her auburn mane and shook it free. Tom eased her jacket off her shoulders and tossed it onto a nearby chair. He held the back of her head as he initiated another deep probing kiss. Sue was being swept up the power and passion he was exuding. She found herself dizzy with the effect of his kisses and caresses. They finished removing each other's coats and boots before making their way to her bed. It wasn't very large, but being on the ground, that didn't pose much of a problem. Sue undid the first few buttons of his shirt and ran her hands delicately through his chest hair. He'd had nice chest hair when last she'd seen it, but it seemed more luxuriant now. Overall, Sue thought he still was beautiful. Tom directed his attention to her tunic and slid it off. Her undershirt followed. He lay her back against a pillow and resumed his oral exploration of her body. When he reached her nipples, he gently tugged on one. Sue opened her eyes with surprise at the sensation and caught him looking up at her with an expectant expression. "Good?" He murmured. "Yes, very good?" Tom shifted his position, sliding Sue onto her stomach while he continued his light kisses along her shoulder and worked his way up to the back of her neck. Sue sighed with pleasure. He ran his assault up and down her neck, sweeping her hair up so he could get better access to that spot at the nape of her neck which she found incredibly sensitive. Tom's actions were sending chills up and down her spine and waves of desire through her hips. Sue began to breathe faster. She couldn't take much more of this, she thought, but Tom continued. Sue began to whimper and then squeal as she tapped her feet against the mattress. Tom stopped briefly and she heard a soft chuckle. "Hey, no fair, Tom Paris. You know that's my weak spot," Sue said a little breathlessly. "I know, " he said with a grin. "I'm amazed that you get so worked up from that one little..." He kissed the back of her neck again sending another round of chills through her. "?tiny?.," another lick, "?insignificant?.," his tongue traced a delightful pattern against her skin. "Tom?.," Sue moaned. "Spot." His arms encircled her and she turned to face him. The look on his face was not quite what she expected. What had she been expecting? Sue didn't really know. Right now her prevailing thought was that she wasn't thinking, but she was feeling. Feeling a tremendous desire for this man to take her and make love to her until she couldn't see straight. Sue opened her mouth to speak. She felt like there was some conversation they should have, something that needed to be said. As she looked into his eyes, she couldn't think of what that something might be. She wondered if it was it a smart thing to get involved with Tom again. She realized it probably wasn't. Her conscious mind cautioned her unconscious and suggested she talk it over with Tom. Then her libido walked in and took over. There were no more questions. She leaned up and took his lower lip between her teeth and pulled him down toward her. Tom smiled into the kiss and reciprocated. She ran her fingers through his wavy blonde hair, reveling in how soft it was. Was it not quite as thick as she remembered? She felt his lips move to suck on a very sensitive nipple. "Ummmm ," she moaned. Sue took hold of the collar of his shirt and began to push it off his shoulders. Tom stopped his attentions and sat up on his heels. As Sue looked up at him, he unfastened the remaining buttons and slid off his shirt. Sue swore he was purposefully deliberate in his movements. Wanting to tease her, to excite her. It was working, conscious or not. She felt waves of desire resonate from her center. Tom stood and undid his trousers, letting them slide slowly down is long lean legs. The man *was* putting on a show. He removed his briefs just as seductively. He stepped out of the crumpled pile of clothes as gracefully as possible, before he knelt back down on the bed to join Sue. She reached out to touch his chest. He was more muscular and had a stronger appearance to his face than he had those years ago. As well developed as an eighteen-year-old Tom Paris had been, he had filled out and matured in the past few years. She ran her fingertips over his pectorals, taking in a sight which was so familiar and at the same time new. Her gaze continued down and saw he was clearly aroused. Sue smiled and looked up into his eyes, he was smiling back at her. He took her hand and drew her up into his arms. They began kisses more impassioned than before and Tom went about removing the rest of Sue's clothes. Sue found she wasn't really nervous about being so intimate with him. It certainly wasn't the first time for either of them, or with each other for that matter. Sue was enjoying the feel of his body against hers and the taste of his skin along his neck and shoulders. He took his time and seemed to savor every movement, every nuance of her body. This was Tom. Sweet, seductive and so attentive. But something was different about him now. He had a certain assuredness, a certain ease and confidence that hadn't been there before. Her skin was on fire from his touch. Tom gently pushed her back against the bed. She sighed as he began to kiss his way down her belly. Sue arched up, opening her eyes and caught Tom looking up at her in mid-taste. She was stilled by the expression in his eyes. It wasn't quite, "I'm having fun, are you?" it was something filled with more longing than that. *Why that look?* This thought abruptly left her mind as his tongue found her most sensitive point. *Gods,* Sue thought, *please don't stop!* With each caress of his fingers inside her body, with each expert flick of his tongue, Sue felt herself get maddeningly closer to climax. He kept bringing her up and then backing off, stretching out her responses, teasing her body with the reward of release. When she came, Tom thought the whole camp would know it. Sue was rather vocal, and some things don't change. They held each other close and Tom continued to stroke her as she came down off her orgasmic high. She began to nuzzle against his chest, occasionally stopping to place a kiss or a flick of her tongue. Tom was enjoying the very thorough attention she gave him. She ran her hands up and down his body, feeling every inch of his supple strong frame. She loved the feel of him. She decided to take the lead, and urged him onto his back. Sue explored the forest of chest hair on Tom and was delighted at his sighs of pleasure. *She remembered,* Tom thought as Sue ran her tongue along the base of his throat. She continued to touch him, and he found being touched so much more pleasurable than he'd anticipated. For Tom, this was a part of the experience he hadn't expected. She knew him. She knew his body. She remembered where he was ticklish and how to stroke him so he really got off. His sexual relationships of late hadn't lasted long enough for the women to get to know this level of detail. As much as he craved being touched just the way Sue was doing, Tom had difficulty in giving a woman "directions". He was much more comfortable asking her what she wanted, what she liked, how best to please her. However, at this moment, this woman was having no difficulty pleasing him. She reached down to touch his straining erection and stroke ever so gently across his sac. He was very very ready. Sue moved to straddle Tom and slowly took him in her, enjoying the sensation at the moment of penetration and prolonging it. She moved along his length slowly, taking him in as deeply as possible. He held her hips and began to thrust up into her. It felt good, so good to Tom. The pleasure of being the object of her desire, being the one to make her moan and lose control like she was. She rocked her body steadily and with strong thrusts. He felt himself getting close to a climax but wanted to bring her again. He began to stroke her clitoris as they thrust against each other. Sue gasped. He was making very short work of her. She came suddenly and explosively, the flexing of her muscles bringing Tom to an abrupt climax. He felt himself fall into that sensation that erased all thought as he thrust one last time into her, coming and coming and coming. Sue collapsed onto his chest, and they lay panting, covered in each other's sweat and fluids. It was as if the rest of the world had melted away, nothing else existed. There was only the two of them reliving a memory and creating a new one in the same moment. They managed to rearrange their bodies into a more comfortable sleeping position. Sue was pressed up against Tom's side, lying in the crook of his arm. Their sexual encounter had been very satisfying. It was an earthy sensation. For all the sophistication of the world in which Sue worked, nothing compared with the primal sensation of sex. Sue was surprised by how much more vocal Tom had become. Not that he was a screamer, or had ever been--it was what he said to her as they made love. "Whatever you want?just tell me. Anything. I want you to feel good. I want you to come? " He encouraged her responses and that added something to the experience for her. She'd never had anything quite like this, a man who was so eager to please. She had asked him if he liked the way she touched him at one or two points, but he had only murmured, "Yes, touch me." Sue had been the one to discover so much of this with him. She still had such good hands. She was more confident, more sure of her actions than when they had been learning together. Sue sensed the difference in Tom, how he was as different as a lover as he was a man. Where there had been athleticism, there was now appreciation and style. As they drifted off to sleep, Sue heard Tom murmur something she couldn't quite understand. "Tom? Are you all right?" she whispered back. She got no response. Sue fit herself closely against him. For all the familiarity, she couldn't deny that this was not the same Tom Paris she'd known and loved before. This man was different. Somehow that difference made her uneasy. --- Tom Paris awoke to the familiar and comforting sensation of a soft form lying next to him. He did not feel the equally familiar sensations that often followed an evening of overindulgence in alcohol. That actually was something to note. He hadn't woken up with a woman without at least a touch of a hangover for quite some time. So, he hadn't been drinking, he realized. Tom began to go through the mental checklist he had inadvertently developed over the past couple of years. "Where am I?" Tom opened his eyes and looked around the tent, and then down to Sue. *Sue?* He was suddenly awash in the memory of the previous evening, and it made him smile. This morning there was no question about where he was, where his money was, or who this was with him. This morning he had all the answers. Tom ran his fingertips slowly over her long auburn hair, barely touching her. The night with Sue had been incredible. Tom enjoyed women, and he certainly enjoyed sex. But somehow this was markedly better than it usually was. He wrapped his arm around her waist and drew himself up closer to her. She snuggled back against him, still asleep. Tom mentally reviewed their encounter. They really hadn't done anything so out of the ordinary. No really challenging positions. No subtleties of inter-species intercourse to be explored. Nothing novel about it at all. Tom abruptly realized that there had been nothing new about his sexual experience with Sue. *That's why?.it wasn't new.* He knew all her "hot spots" already. There was less questioning, less coaching, and more pleasure in the experience; he hoped that was true for her too. It had been awhile since he'd been with someone who knew how to please him and was really interested in doing so. He'd forgotten how good it felt to wake up with someone you'd made love to one night and know you would spend the next day with them too. Sue stretched herself awake and rolled over to face Tom. "Good morning, Beautiful," he greeter her. "Good Morning. I need coffee." "I think that can be arranged," Tom answered. "How are you doing this morning?" "I slept well," Sue replied smiling. Tom smiled back at her, " So did I." Sue sat up on the edge of the bed and shook out her hair. "Let's get going, Tom. We have a lot to get done today." The ambivalence of her conversation wasn't making sense to Tom. She didn't want to talk about anything? Women always wanted to have some big conversation the morning after. Was something wrong? Did he do something wrong? "Sue?" Tom asked, "everything all right? Nothing you want to talk about?" "Not at the moment." Comprehension dawned on Sue. "Tom, we said that last night was last night, and it was great." The fleeting look of disappointment on Tom's face was hard to miss. "I just don't want you to think I'm expecting anything, okay? I'm not going back on my word." That certainly wasn't what Tom had expected to hear. Nor was it what he wanted. He swallowed and took a shaky mental step closer to a precipice he'd sworn he'd never go near again. "Sue, can't we?.can't we take this a day at a time? See how things go?" "You want to do that, Tom?" "I think so." She smiled warmly at him and kissed him good morning. "Then let's get this day started and see where tonight takes us." --- Sue and her staff continued to collect and catalog a seemingly endless number of plant, soil, water, and insect samples. A piece of every significant ecological feature of each of these planetoids was going to be preserved. There would be enough data to reconstruct a model of each ecosystem and compare them to each other. They put in long days, working hard to make the most of their limited time and the limited political stability of the region. Tom made himself as useful as possible. He didn't have much in the way of field research experience, but he wanted to spend time with Sue. So, he recorded sample numbers, conducted standard scans, and packaged samples. They were involved with this sample preparation one afternoon on another nameless planetoid. Tom wasn't very interested in the work, but he was quite taken with the company. "Sue, I never thought I'd be out here on the edge of Federation space, flying in risky areas, living in primitive conditions, all so you could pick flowers," Tom said holding up the bloom he was about to place in a collection container. Sue laughed. "I certainly didn't expect that either. Just make sure you get the sample number right you rogue adventurer." Tom smiled and thought how much he enjoyed the sparring and match of wits between him and Sue. His thought was broken by her next question. Sue had been wondering about one incident from Tom's past. She thought she could get beyond it and be content with not really knowing. Curiosity was killing her, along with the feeling she couldn't shake that told her there was something that had happened to Tom that she needed to know about. Her resolve strengthened, she simply asked. "Tell me about the accident, Tom." His heart skipped a beat as his expression froze. In a matter of seconds, a series of memories flashed through his mind, all of which he wanted desperately to forget. "What do you want to know about that for?" His voice sounded distant and had an underlying harshness she hadn't expected. Why didn't she expect it? Two of his squad had died under his command. It had been an awful accident; the entire campus had been stunned. "I just?.I just thought maybe you needed to talk about it. I'm not sure why. Maybe I was wrong. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked." "No," Tom replied in almost a whisper. "You must really want to know. Okay. Have a seat," he indicated the rock next to the one he was moving to sit on. Tom went on to describe the accident that had occurred during his Senior year at Starfleet Academy. He was very matter-of-fact in his exposition. Tom had been leading the cadet fighter squadron he was commanding, and one of the cadets made a miscalculation. There was a chain reaction in the formation as all of the pilots involved moved to compensate, a few more effectively than others. The end result was the collision of two of the ships and the loss of both pilots. Tom had even maneuvered his ship, putting himself in danger, trying to minimize the fatal wake that pushed the to ships into oblivion. The accident hit the campus hard. This kind of accident was a rarity during drills and training missions. Tom had been devastated, but he held up commendably. Sue had tried to contact him, to tell him how sorry she was that it happened, to say she was relived he was all right, to support him if he needed it. Even if he didn't want to talk to her, she still wanted to let him know she was concerned about him. He hadn't returned her messages. She decided to leave well enough alone and let him deal with it the way he needed to. Seeing his face now, she wondered if he had ever really dealt with it. His face clearly showed significant pain just below the surface. "I was really worried about you then. I sent you a couple of messages, but you didn't respond." "I know, that was pretty rude of me. But, I just couldn't." "I understand. It was such a tragic accident. You tried to prevent it, but it couldn't be stopped." "No, you don't understand. I know that accident wasn't my fault, I tried to help those cadets." Tom's face showed a renewed grief. "I couldn't talk to you because I realized that you were right," he said softly. "What do you mean? Right about what?" Tom looked at her with a mix of incredulity and hurt. "What do I mean? Gods! You ended it with me because you didn't want to be with an officer, because Command wasn't the place for me." He appeared truly hurt. "I'm sorry Tom, I didn't realize how you felt." Sue was struck by his words. He had been so cold when they had broken up, so distant. She had instigated it, yes, but she had expected some kind of reaction, and she had gotten none. That reaction had made her see Tom Paris in a different light. She wondered if she had hurt him so badly that he would pull back to such an extreme. It had seemed that way to her. Even when they had worked together in Biochemistry, he had been defiant and cool, except for his one attempt to rekindle their relationship. For a moment then, she had seen her Tom, that beautiful seventeen year old with the tousled wavy blonde hair. The boy from the beach that summer. And just as quickly he had disappeared, replaced by a stoic young man in a Red Starfleet cadet's uniform. Not knowing how to make all these pieces fit together, Sue looked at Tom, hoping for something that would help her understand. Those clear blue eyes of her memory, those of a much younger Tom Paris, were the same ones looking back at her now, and they plainly showed a tremendous hurt. Did he still hurt over what happened so long ago? Had he forgiven her? Had he ever understood why she let him go? "Don't you remember what you said to me? Damnit. Of all the reasons in the world to get dumped, *being* a Starfleet officer wasn't the one I imagined. I thought it was the most stupid excuse I'd ever heard of. But you were serious. It was real easy just to chalk you up as some eccentric scientist and go on." "After the accident, though, it began to dawn on me you were right. I felt so responsible for them. My Dad showed up that day. His reaction wasn't what I expected. He almost seemed concerned about me, but he went into this speech about how tragedies can come with the job." '''People under your command may die. You have to be able to shake it off, not that it diminishes the grief you feel over it. You just need to carry on, to do your job.''' Tom repeated the words of Owen Paris with a gruff tone. "He was right, that's what an officer needs to be able to do. They have to be able to order someone to that death, even. I realized then that I couldn't do it." "Seeing Majorsky and Paulum 's families and hearing them thank me for trying to save them was unbelievably difficult. Having a say over whether someone lives or dies was too much. I didn't feel qualified to make that kind of call, ever. How could I, someone who was living a shell of a life, make a decision that could send someone to their death? I didn't truly want to be in Starfleet. I knew they did. It just didn't make sense." "But you didn't leave then, did you?" Sue asked. Tom rested his head on his hands, covering his eyes. "No. I didn't. I stayed on. I did my duty. I did what was expected. I just couldn't get up the guts to ask for reassignment, retraining, or to tender my resignation. I just kept?.going." "That must have been hell for you, Tom." "There are many levels of hell, Sue. Let me tell you," he looked up at her with a sad, tired smile. "Look, I think I've answered your question and then some. I don't think I want to go on about it." Sue put her arms around Tom and held him close, trying to be comforting as possible. She stroked the back of his head saying softly, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She was sorry, for what Tom had experienced, for hurting him, and most of all, that she had been right. --- Any time a small group of people spend an extended period of time together in close quarters, personal conflicts are bound to occur. Dr. Crabtree's expedition had been very lucky thus far. Most of her crew knew each other and had worked together under similar conditions before. The newcomer to the group, Tom Paris, was friendly and helpful and managed to get along well with most everyone. He was also able to avoid unnecessary flirtation with the female members of the group. However, one member of the team was particularly enamored of him, and all of her subordinates knew it. Sue didn't let her rekindled relationship with Tom interfere with the work at hand, and she carefully avoided behaving in a less than professional manner in the presence of the rest of the team. Unfortunately, another member of the team had some difficulty in accepting the situation and wasn't as able to keep his personal feelings to himself. Sue's graduate student, Matt Davies, had developed an affection for Sue over the past three years he had worked with her. Matt hadn't realized how deep that affection was until this expedition. Sue rarely dated, and Matt certainly hadn't been privy to any of the details of those relationships. This situation was different. He could see just enough of the attention Tom and Sue showed toward each other to find it disturbing. What bothered him even more was what he couldn't see. At night he would often think he heard passionate moans coming from the direction of Sue's tent. Her relationship with that pilot really wasn't any of his business. But Matt couldn't help the dislike of Tom Paris that he had felt from the instant they met on the Volnar colony. His resentment toward Tom had slowly and steadily increased during the trip. As they prepared to leave a site at the start of the last leg of the journey, the team was busy packing samples and equipment into the *Sanger*. Tom was in a good mood. He hadn't felt like this in ages. He just felt damn good. He began to whistle an old tune he had heard somewhere as he helped with the preparations to leave. Matt found the sound particularity grating. Matt saw Sue approach Tom and greet him in a way that could only be described as inviting. She touched him fleetingly on the arm and cocked her head to one side as she spoke. She was only asking about their estimated time of departure, but to the observer it was an intimate conversation between lovers. Tom gave Sue a broad smile and headed toward the ship. Matt was headed in Tom's direction on his way to load some of the equipment on board. As he passed Tom, Matt said, "It doesn't look good you know." "Excuse me?" "A woman with her scientific credentials and reputation, behaving like that. She's not acting anything like herself." "Look, I don't know why you're talking to me about this." Tom turned and Matt caught his arm. "I don't want to see Sue jeopardize so much work on a fling with a?. " Matt stopped not sure if expressing this point of view was a good idea anymore. "A what?" Tom pushed. "A man that doesn't give a damn about her, really." "As I said, I don't know why you're talking to me about this. Her personal life isn't any of your business. If I understand correctly, she's your boss. And I know my personal life damn well isn't your business either. But, just to make you feel better, I'll tell you I do care about Sue. It's not a casual thing." Tom's tone was no longer that of the easygoing pilot, it was his command voice that had made an appearance. The sort of voice that the Admiral had found so useful in motivating cadets, and others. And it had the intended effect. Matt withered almost visibly. "Okay. I got it. I just wanted to?." "I know what you wanted." With that Tom strode up and into the ship. --- Tom took his place at the helm of the *Sanger*, fuming from his exchange with Matt. "Stupid kid." He thought. He could see that the younger man was attracted to Sue, but she certainly didn't reciprocate. It wouldn't be appropriate to, either. Suddenly he realized what he had said. 'It's not a casual thing.' Did he really feel that way? This month had been fun. More than fun, it had been fantastic. For the first time since he had seen her he allowed himself to wonder if he had fallen for her again. "Goddamnit." He realized he had. --- Unsecured objects slid across the decking, shaking in rhythm with the hull, as the passengers did their best to remain stationary. A small craft slid its way between wisps of gas that transferred enormous forces to its hull. "Hold on back there, it's getting a bit rough," called out the pilot. "A *little* rough?" Matt asked, eyebrows raised with concern. Sue gave him a look, "This isn't that bad, Matt." Usha called out, "It's only a level 2 plasma storm. When they hit level 4 then they're really nasty." Matt didn't seem consoled. Sue looked over Tom' s shoulder and couldn't help but feel a little awed, even if it was only a level 2 storm. The fluctuating plasma fields glowed a pink to orange range of color, getting lighter pink, then white just before an energy stream formed breaking into a brilliant white bolt that could rip a ship apart. She trusted Tom, he could maneuver through this storm to the next study site that lay on the other side. Plasma storms formed and dissipated on a fairly regular basis, however the available recent activity charts hadn't led the models to project any activity in this area. Tom maneuvered the ship tightly, maximizing her responses, and minimizing the comfort of the passengers. The ship slid along the energy wells of the storm, avoiding the worst of it. The *Sanger* finally emerged from the storm, and several sensors began to call attention to what was quite visible through the front viewport. A Cardassian patrol ship. "Well, what are you doing here?" Tom said aloud. He didn't have long to contemplate as the communications panel indicated they were being hailed. Sue moved to the front of the ship. "We'd better answer that hail." Tom tapped in a general acknowledgment, and the image of a large Cardassian in military garb filled the vidscreen. "I am Commander Rec. State your business in this sector." Sue began, "I am Dr. Crabtree. This is my expedition to study species divergence in the Terikof belt. We're sponsored by the Daystrom Institute, and we have clearance from all the appropriate local authorities. How can we help you?" Tom rolled his eyes at the cool and solicitous manner Sue had taken on. "Dr. Crabtree, we are aware of your expedition. However, I'm afraid you will not be able to conduct a survey of Chi Fourteen. You may continue on to your alternate site, Kappa Twenty One. I'm sure it will be satisfactory, and there has been less storm activity in that region. The Cardassian Empire regrets any inconvenience." "Thank you for your consideration," Sue replied. "Might I ask why we won't be able to include Chi Fourteen? So I may make proper mention of it in my project notes." "Of course. A sudden storm, the remnants of which you just passed through, took its toll on a small Cardassian freighter. The freighter crashed and released some very toxic cargo on the surface. It really won't be safe until we send in a team to neutralize it." "I bet there's something to clean up all right, " Tom said under his breath. "Thank you Commander. We will be on our way as soon as we affect some small repairs to our vessel. It was a very rough trip." Sue answered with the requisite tone of gratitude. "Of course," he concluded the discussion with a nod of his scaly head. His ship powered up and began to move away from the *Sanger* and Chi Fourteen. "Nice job, Sue. You could be a diplomat yet," Tom said with a smirk. "Thanks. I don't like doing it, but that doesn't mean I'm not good at it." "I wonder what they don't want us to see?" "Careful, Tom. We just got by without being searched, not a small feat around here." "I know. We can take a quick look, and they'll never know we were here. We just have to go in under the sensor grid, if it's active." The systems were up and running but not giving maximum coverage. Tom managed to maneuver them into orbit around the planetoid by slipping into the phase gap of the sensor sweeps. There definitely were things a guy could learn out in this part of space. Usha began surface scans, calling out some general parameters, and then was silent. "Look?," she said as she tapped the command to transfer her readings to the primary displays in the cabin. Her scans showed the remnants of a civilian transport. The passengers were humanoid, but scans showed no survivors. There was ample evidence of a firefight. Cardassian disrupter signatures everywhere. Some of the images from the scans showed the outlines of bodies in an orderly row next to the transport. An execution. Sue felt the blood draining from her face as the rest of the crew looked in horror at the pastel colors of thermal impression scans. Such gentle colors pointing to such a violent event. Tom finally spoke, "I think we should be heading for that alternate site. I'm sure Commander Rec has notified this superiors that we're in the area. Their standard procedure would be to send in a *cleaning team* to take care of the?remains. Damn it, they're not supposed to be here. Their border is on the edge of this sector, not through the middle of it." "Yes?go ahead Tom." Tom set a course for Kappa Twenty One, taking precautions to be as discrete as possible passing through the sensor grid again. A quiet pall set over the members of the ship. Dar could be heard softly sobbing. Her own memories were proving to be too much. On some level, Sue's desire for the answers to the origin of life didn't seem to stand up against the threat to present day living here in the DMZ. --- The silence was deafening aboard the *Sanger*. As they approached site Kappa Twenty One, Sue made her way to the front of the ship, taking the seat next to Tom. The experience with the Cardassians had left her unsettled, to say the least. "Impressive," Tom said softly, still maintaining his focus on the helm controls. "What's impressive?" "The way you handled that Cardie. Very professional, very smooth. Showed the proper respect due a Commander of his rank." Tom looked directly at Sue, " I thought you didn't approve of political manipulation, or more to the point? "?kissing ass," Sue finished his sentence. "Exactly." "Tom, I've learned a few things about how things work over the past few years. I left Starfleet on *principle*, I chose to work in the field of galactic evolution for *principle*, I?" she paused leaving her thought unspoken, " I've made a number of major life decisions because of my principles. And I've been willing to take responsibility for the consequences of those actions." "I'm not saying different." "One very hard lesson I've learned is that it's much easier to paint the world in black and white than in shades of gray; unfortunately, gray is the prevailing color. I used to see most issues, politics, and people, in very black and white terms. Maybe everyone does when they're younger. I was so disillusioned by Starfleet, I thought it was just the 'Fleet. It wasn't. It's much easier to judge a situation if there are two diametrically opposing sides." Sue was now looking off into the approaching star field, even as Tom maintained his gaze on her. "I learned that in order to do the work I wanted, there were some people that had to be *supportive*. It's not just Starfleet that has its politics, it's everywhere. I'm afraid I've gotten rather good at it. That's what you got to see today." She looked up at Tom, looking for his response. "I just wondered. It wasn't something I would've expected from you." "The last few years have been a learning experience, that's for sure." She looked up at him with a very polished smile. "Well, that's the last of my dirty little secrets, Tom Paris. Now you know it all. Not only did I resign my commission, I can talk money out of a Ferengi's pocket if I need to," she said with a hollow chuckle. "I promise not to tell anybody." His smile was genuinely understanding. Sue thought this was the time to finally ask a question of Tom she'd purposely avoided. "Tom, you never told me why you left Starfleet." Tom took a breath, and then exhaled slowly. Instead of answering Sue, he said, "That's a long story, and we're about to land. Better get back and get settled." The expression on his face gave away nothing. "Okay," Sue replied. She wasn't going to let that question go unanswered. She'd let him put her off for a while, but it seemed important that she know. --- Sue continued coordinating data collection of her team. She did quite a bit of sample analysis herself, not being one to sit back and manage when there was work to be done. During this time she couldn't help but observe the way her grad student, Matt, was just a bit more possessive of her and her time. He exhibited this new behavior even more when Tom was around. In particular, Matt seemed to enjoy calling her "Sue" more than he usually did, giving her first name special emphasis. This thought made her laugh softly to herself. Had getting involved with Tom again been a good decision? The rest of the expedition team seemed to take little notice of the arrangement. Their "relationship" didn't seem to be disrupting any of the work, and Sue made sure she didn't slack off on any part of her responsibilities. They fell into a pattern. Tom spent his nights with Sue in her tent. They talked, they joked. Sue worked. Sue always worked. And, usually they made love. Sometimes just a look, and the passion exchanged in a glance was palpable. One night after they had established camp on a new site, Sue felt it was necessary to examine some of the preliminary data on mineral composition of the soil of this planet. It seemed that there was an unusually high concentration of several trace elements present. The elements didn't seem to be evenly distributed. If there was a pattern present, it might well affect the sample collection strategy they should use. She continued to pour over the data on a PADD while she sat on a folding chair, tapping her foot to the music playing. Tom had selected an unusual mixture of music to listen to from the library in the ship, adding some from his own data crystals. The works of many disparate cultures were included; Bajoran, Andorian, a Klingon aria, but the majority of it was Terran. His collection included contemporary Terran, some from Earth's "classical" period, and Tom's ubiquitous rock and roll. Somehow it all worked. The sight of Sue engrossed in her work, moving distractedly, and, most importantly, not paying attention to him, moved Tom to action. He usually tried to keep himself occupied while Sue worked, but she would work away all of her free time if he didn't intervene. He approached her chair. She appeared not to hear him. He touched her shoulders and got no response. Tom couldn't see her smiling. He brushed her hair aside and nuzzled the back of her neck. Still no response. Sue had closed her eyes and had decided that the analysis of trace element deposits in the soil could indeed wait until morning. Tom began to place soft kisses down the side of her neck toward her throat. That was enough. "Tom?" "Yes?" he murmured as he continued to kiss her soft pale skin. "Are you bored or something?" "Not in the least," he answered as he ran his fingers through her hair and moved his mouth to the other side of her neck, this time nibbling on her earlobe. Sue placed the PADD on the table and leaned her head back while reaching up to pull him down to her. When they broke the kiss she said, "I think the elemental analysis can wait." "Glad you decided that," Tom said as he took her hand and walked her to the bed. He took her face in his hands and continued a long, impassioned kiss. It didn't take long before they had completely disrobed and were wrapped in each other's arms kissing, touching, teasing. They touched each other slowly, enjoying every moment. Sue was caressing his thighs and back with her calf as his fingers explored the most sensitive parts of her body. They continued a game of touching, encouraging the other, and then slowing down and moving to some less provocative contact. As a result that they both felt a steadily increasing ebb and flow of excitement. She raked her nails along his chest, parting the whorls of fine reddish gold hair and teasing his nipples. He closed his eyes and moaned softly, responding to her sensuous touch. Sue finally hooked her leg around Tom's waist and urged him on top of her, wrapping her legs around him in the process. Sue was dying for him. She looked over his graceful muscular form and saw how hard he was for her. Now her need was maddening. "Tom, I need you... now... please." Tom kissed her gently and replied, "For you? Anything..." as he entered her slowly, filling her totally. Sue let out a gasp and tightened her grip on his shoulders. They began to move together, thrusting progressively harder. They were both flying, leaving all sense of the world behind them. Every touch and movement brought another wave of pleasure, another sigh, another shiver. They were hot, and perspiration was beginning to show on Sue's brow. She was getting close, so close. Tom slowed the pace of his thrusts and ran his hand down her right side, taking hold of her calf and maneuvering her leg over his shoulder. He took hold of her hips and adjusted their position so he was kneeling with her legs wrapping around him, shoulder and waist. She grasped at his thighs, feeling him making even more direct contact with that incredibly sensitive spot deep inside her body. She cried out incoherently. Tom smiled and laughed gently in response. "Not bad, huh?" he said breathlessly as they reestablished their movements. Tom caressed her calf as his other hand began to stroke her clit. His fingertips made small slow circles as they approached the peak. Sue found her body no longer under her control. Her limbs quaked and she felt a tremendous pressure build up in the pit of her stomach and travel down and radiate throughout her body. She screamed as all her muscles contracted at once, and then again, and again. While she screamed she felt Tom thrust over and over and then the warm rush inside her as he came. Tom lay exhausted on top of Sue. They were covered in the smell and taste of each other. Both felt spent and most satisfied. --- They lay close together later that night. Tom nuzzled the back of Sue's neck, giving a barely audible sigh of contentment as he exhaled. He closed his eyes and felt good, warm and safe. This little bit of reality was right, for right now. "Tom, you never answered my question before." "What question was that?" Tom asked although he know exactly what she meant. "All I remember is an overwhelming desire to make love to you." He said teasingly. "Come on, Tom. I think you can tell me. I've told you my life story." The cloud that now overshadowed his expression told her that this was a question he did not want to answer, but reinforced her need to know. "Tom?" He sat up in the bed and folded his arms over his knees. "I can't." "Why not?" He shot her a hurt look. "I understand if you don't want to, but please don't think there's anything you can't tell me. I can keep a secret you know." She smiled and poked him in the shoulder, trying to lighten the mood that had fallen over him. Apparently this was not something she should have asked in the first place. "No, Sue. It's not that I don't want to tell you. Gods, you're the first person I've felt like I could talk to anyone about it. I just?can't go into the details." She began to realize how serious an issue it was for Tom. Sue placed her hand on his shoulder in a supportive gesture and said, "Tell me what ever you want to, whatever you can." "The reason I can't tell you the whole story is that it's classified. I gave my word." "What?" "It's part of the deal I made when I resigned." Sue was puzzled, but said, "go ahead? "You really want to know? Would you even believe me if I told you the truth?" "I expect you not to lie to me, yes. Other people are one matter, but don't you lie to me." "It wasn't really lie, just an omission." Sue began to rub his shoulder in a slow comforting motion. "Go on," she said. Now she wasn't at all sure she wanted to hear the story. With resignation, Tom began. "I'm a good pilot." "Yes, you are, I've seen that a couple of times on this expedition." "Well, good creative pilots do not fly simple transport type missions. They fly more, high priority, sometimes risky missions. My last posting was at Caldik Prime. I was supposed to be flying routine exercises, test pilot assignments, that kind of thing. Caldik Prime is actually in a very strategic location, you know. It's right on the edge of the Romulan Neutral Zone. Kind of a hot spot, although Starfleet doesn't play that up. It's a convenient stopping place for Romulan informants to meet and transfer information." "I see." Sue was a smart woman and knew where this was leading. "So, you were flying spy missions I take it?" "I didn't say that. I was gathering information. I told you I can't go into details." "But I can draw my own conclusions based on the facts in public domain, right?" He looked at her with a half grin. "That's right. Not only brilliant, but a clever mind." "So, if you don't tell me directly, you haven't violated the terms of your agreement." "Exactly." He looked down again, the weight of this event visible on his face. "There was an accident." "Were you hurt?" "I survived. Three Starfleet officers didn't. The official cause was 'Pilot Error'. Mine. I didn't admit to that at first. I lied. Eventually I admitted that the accident was my fault. I resigned from Starfleet shortly after that." Tom's tone was dry and matter-of-fact. Sue thought it almost sounded rehearsed. "Tom, that must have been a horrible time for you." She didn't press for any details; they wouldn't have added to her understanding of Tom's pain more than his expression did. "I'm sorry. Accidents happen. It can be a dangerous job sometimes, I know. But, I don't understand, what made you lie about it?" "It doesn't matter, I just did." Something in his tone didn't ring true, and then comprehension began to dawn on Sue. "They set you up. Something did happen, and you wound up taking the fall for it." Tom didn't answer. "Was there even an accident, or was that a convenient cover story?" "Yes, three people died because of something I did." "Did you lie about what happened?" "In a manner of speaking." "Come on. I know Tom Paris, and he was a good officer, and would have done as he was ordered to do." "You're a very perceptive woman, Sue." "You can't tell me what happened or why, just that there was an accident, and you supposedly lied, and then you resigned from Starfleet. This stinks, Tom. You don't have to be a Ph.D. to know there was some kind of covert operation or cover-up involved." "I always said you were brilliant." Tom's voice was hollow with irony. Tom folded his arms across his knees and continued. "I filed a false report about the incident at first, and then I recanted. At that point, I expected to be relieved of my post, probably demoted, and sent off to some dirtball or starbase to twiddle my thumbs. It *was* an accident after all. For some reason, the JAG office decided to proceed with a court martial. I was charged with falsifying reports and breach of ethical conduct. They seemed more pissed about the breach of conduct than the possibility I was responsible for three deaths. I had two options, resign with a dishonorable discharge or jail. I wasn't going to jail." "Didn't your father try to help you?" Tom snorted. "If he had tried to help me, do you think I'd be here right now?" "I don't know what he did or said. Maybe he told them to go ahead and court martial me, maybe not. We never talked about it. I sent him a message telling him I was resigning, and then I headed out here. We haven't communicated since. I figured he had access to whatever records he needed to find out whatever he wanted to know." "I kind of expected my dad would intervene and at least save my position in Starfleet. He didn't. You know, he even got me the assignment on Caldik Prime. It was supposed to be a stepping stone to getting my own command. 'A very challenging assignment, one that will test your skills as a pilot, and develop your skills as an officer,' " Tom said, again imitating the gruff tone of Admiral Paris. "Have you told anyone else even as much as me?" "No. The incident was kept pretty quiet. Only the people stationed on Caldik Prime knew anything. No publicity." He paused for a moment. "It's kind of ironic. For the first time in my life, I didn't do what I was supposed to do. I followed my conscience, and damn the consequences." "That's the kind of person you are, Tom. The kind of person you always have been." "And I lost everything. Starfleet was not pleased that an exemplary young officer with a long career ahead of him would break ranks and go against a decision that was a matter of security." "Did you think about going public with what happened? I think there would have been plenty of support for you and your actions in the Federation government." "Sue, I gave my word." "Tom, they made you take the blame for something that wasn't your fault. You shouldn't have been there, flying spy missions for Starfleet. God!" "I know. But you don't know all the details of the situation. It wouldn't have been right to open them up to that kind of scrutiny. I still wouldn't feel right about doing that." Sue was taken aback. "You still have loyalty to them. I can't believe it. I suppose if some Admiral were to appear and offer you your pips back, you'd take them!" Tom was surprised by his answer, " I might. I haven't really thought about it. There isn't much chance of that happening after, all. But, Sue, there was so much of it that *was* good. I felt respected with that uniform on. Like I had accomplished something. And I loved to fly. There's nothing like being at the helm of a starship. I never experienced anything like it before... or since." Disappointment filled every word Tom said. Sue realized how much he had lost, and what he had no hope of ever getting back. "I'm sorry," was all she could think to say as she took him back into her arms and just held him. No wonder he flew just a little too fast, drank a little too much. The things that mattered most to this man were irrevocably gone. --- Sue was kneeling at the edge of what might be best described as a bay, taking readings with her tricorder and drawing a sample into a collection vial. Tom had come along with Sue to do the survey of this sector. A significant portion of this planet was covered by water, which made it different from the other sites they had examined. The sky and sand weren't the same hues as along the shores on Earth, but it was similar enough to remind him of another time and place. But it still was the same girl. Sue was now ankle-deep in the greenish surf, trying to sample an elusive crustacean. Her long hair cascaded down her back and was mussed by the wind. Tom smiled as he appreciated the sight. He loved long dark hair on women. Something so exotic, so different from himself. He could look at her *forever*. In truth, he wanted to do more than look. But the *forever* part stuck in his mind. The thought didn't seem quite so ridiculous as the first time it had appeared. Could he? Could they? Was Sue Crabtree, the girl on the beach, the first girl in his bed, the cool teaching assistant, the smooth professional he now knew, was she what he'd been looking for these past couple of years? "Sue, I've been thinking, " Tom began. "Umm humm." "We've only got a few days left of the expedition. And, I don't have any concrete plans for my next job yet. A few possibilities, sure, but nothing I can't pass off to somebody else." "Gotcha!" Sue exclaimed as she managed to trap her spiny quarry and prepared to take a small tissue sample. Tom continued, "So, do you think you'd be needing a pilot for the trip back to the Daystrom Institute?" Sue was completely absorbed by the next sample she was going after, a length of bluish kelp, and did hear Tom, but didn't really listen to what he had just said. Offhandedly, she replied, "Tom, I'm going back to Earth, to the Institute branch there. We got so much data, it's going to take months to analyze it all." "Well, that wouldn't be my first choice of places to go in the quadrant, but I could handle it for a while." "We're figuring about three months to do the analysis, and then, I'll be off for another trip." "So, you'd be needing a pilot, wouldn't you?" Sue stopped in the middle of taking the kelp sample. "Wait, Tom. What did you say?" "I thought you might be needing a pilot in the near future, and I just may be available." Sue looked into those incredible blue eyes and her heart sank. He seemed so openly honest at that moment, even with the jocular attitude. He wanted to go back with her. "Why do you want to do that? You told me you wanted to get as far away from Starfleet as possible." "I do? I did. Oh God." Tom ran his hands through his hair and dropped them at his sides in an earnest gesture. "Look, Sue, all I know right now is that for the first time in a long time, something feels like it works, something feels right. *You* feel right. I've been thinking that... maybe we were meant to get together now." Sue was stunned. She honestly hadn't given much thought to what would happen when the expedition was over. The look on her face must have said something substantial, because Tom took her in his arms and held her close. "Sometimes I just want to go back to that first summer when we met. That was probably the happiest time of my life. You were the best time of my life." Sue gave him a smile tinged with sadness. She wanted him, she *loved* him after all. But the look on his face told her what his words were avoiding. He was in love with something, the idea of being with someone, but it wasn't necessarily her. "And now. Well, I'm not a Starfleet officer anymore. I'm not a Paris anymore. All I am is what's right here, Tom the pilot. That's all I have to offer now." "And that's all I ever wanted from you," she said. "Sue, I still love you." The words were difficult for him. "I still love you too, Tom." She said it, and meant it, sincerely. Sue gently pulled away from his embrace and began to walk toward the stony outcroppings that ran parallel to the water. She took Tom's hand as she went. So many thoughts flooded her mind; even more emotions flooded her heart. As much as she might feel for Tom, she still had questions. His continued loyalty to Starfleet bothered Sue. After all that had happened to him, after all he'd lost to his father and to the Fleet? Had Tom ever been able to make decisions about his own life? She still thought the answer was no. This was the first time he had truly been on his own, making decisions that affected his destiny. "To tell you the truth, Tom, I haven't given you and I much thought beyond this trip." She stopped and thought that if she was going to say something, it should be now. "I want you to know how important it is to me that you told me about leaving Starfleet. I think it really could be the best thing that could have happened to you. I wish the circumstances had been different, of course. What happened was tragic. Now you have the opportunity to recreate your life. But, you have to let go of this loyalty to Starfleet. Because you keep silent, you can't make anything of the opportunities that you otherwise could." Sue's statements were totally unexpected. Tom didn't know how to respond at first, but indignation gave him the words. "My loyalty? *My* loyalty. Who are you to say that? Your loyalty to your principles cost you your career too. And family, and a lover. All of that stuff that normal people get, you don't have. And the way you're going, you never will." He knew his words were harsh, but he wanted them to hurt. "That's one thing we have in common, Tom." "Look, I don't want all of that. I don't want commitment and structure and always knowing what I'm going to be doing tomorrow, because it's what I did yesterday, and the day before. No thanks. I've always been that way." "You have, but you never got the chance to live it before. Now you are, and how do you like it? Is it everything you wanted it to be?" Sue's tone was venomous. He had never seen her filled with such anger and frustration before. He obviously had succeeded in hurting her. "You just don't get it. You don't know what you want out of life. You don't even have a part of the picture." Tom ignored her words. "This is just great. You love me. You *love* me? Sue, that doesn't mean one hell of a lot. Words are just so much air. What means something is what you do after you say those words. I've been loved by a lot of people. And every time someone said it, there was this pause, this hanging silence at the end. Something they just never said. They loved me, but that wasn't enough. There was always something missing. I always fell short. Being loved just for being Tom?.just didn't happen. The story of my life. I love you, but..." "Tom?I don't mean that?" "Come on Sue, you of all people. You know you're exactly what I'm talking about. You said you loved me, but you couldn't support my decision on a career. Well, now there's no career, no nothing. Just me. And what are you still saying? Tom, I love you but?.." Sue felt sick at the pit of her stomach. "Tom, listen to me!" She tried to take his hand and he roughly pulled it away as he turned his back to her. "I do love you, god, more than I wanted to admit." In her mind she said *but*. "Tom, we aren't good for each other right now. I know I'm not good for you. I need to take time for my career right now." Tom shot her a look over his shoulder that could freeze argon. "You *need* to take that time? No, Sue, you *want* to take that time. Don't make this into some selfless gesture. Not again. You left me once because you couldn't agree with the motivations behind my being in Starfleet." Tom shook his head. "No. Let's be honest here. You are doing what you damn well want. How I feel really doesn't matter, does it?" "I do care! You need some time to make some decisions about what you want to do, what path you want to take. You need to love yourself first. My loving you won't do it. I can't fill that void in you. One day you'd hate me for that, for pretending that I could, that I was the answer. And you'd hate yourself too. I can't be a lifeline or a bandage for your spirit." "I'm not the foundation you should build the rest of your life on, Tom,?. you are." She slowly drew closer to him. "Believe in yourself. You're a great pilot, you've got a quick mind, and a good heart. You just are terrified to disappoint, and now, well, you're living life like a drowning man. You need to pull yourself out of it." At this point she lightly touched his shoulder. "Please, Tom. Try to understand. Please don't hate me." He dropped his head and turned into her arms. "It's a little late to ask that, Sue." He stepped back. "Look, I think we know where we stand. It's been fun, reliving old times. But, it was just that, for fun, right? Let's leave it at that. I should get back to the camp now." He stopped and for a moment Sue saw through to the hurt he was doing his best to quash. "Hey, I've been dumped before, I'll get over it." A familiar dark feeling crept over Sue, chilling her and blurring her vision. --- Sue slowly collected her samples and packed up her equipment case. This beach was a quiet place now that she was alone. Tom was completely out of sight, lost in the horizon. Only the lapping of the waves against the shore could be heard, along with the whisper of a breeze. She felt awful. She felt like she had done something very wrong, but wasn't sure why or what exactly what. As she walked she replayed the argument she and Tom had just had, and recalled all the other arguments that had taken place. She realized that all of them somehow involved the life decisions each of them had made. She realized that she might or might not be right about Tom and Starfleet. Whether she was or not didn't matter, really. It was Tom's life and decision to make. She could feel that Tom wanted and needed something very desperately, wanted to take control of his life and make his own way. Just like she had done from the beginning. She began to laugh as she realized that the desire to be their own persons was the most significant thing they had in common. At the same time it was the one thing that could keep them forever apart. The only course of action that felt right to Sue was to talk to Tom and make things right before they walked out of each other's lives again. --- When Sue returned to the camp, she found Tom in the *Sanger* at the Engineering station with his feet propped up on the console. "Tom? Sue began. He looked over his shoulder and then looked straight ahead again. "What can I do for you, Doc?" "Tom, I want to apologize. I shouldn't be trying to force you to see my opinion of your choices. It's been arrogant of me to try. You're right. This is your life and you have every right to do with it as you please." "Thanks." He brought his feet down and turned to face her. "You know, I don't know if anyone's ever said that about me before." "Hmmm. So, I'm the first." She couldn't stop the smile from her face. The smile was contagious, and Tom returned it. "I guess you are. So, we have a truce for the remainder of the trip?" "That we do." --- It was an uneventful flight unmarred by plasma storms. The Volnar colony hadn't changed one bit in the month that they had been away. The ship was unloaded and the cargo readied for the larger transport that would take the team back to Earth. Tom collected the remainder of his fee from Veith, who was none too happy to part with it, especially the additional credits that Dr. Crabtree had insisted he had earned by assisting with sample collection. Tom and Sue spent their last night together in a real bed. They were tender with each other, and only the least bit of sadness entered their thoughts. They were friends. They were lovers. They were in love, for a while. But they didn't have the kind of love that binds two people together no matter what. Not the right kind of love. They both realized it. Some people make it work into a lifetime, but that path didn't appeal to either of them. They were the very best of friends, who shared a deep desire for walking their own paths. Tom escorted Sue to the transport which would take her on the first leg of the journey back to Earth. They held each other for a long moment and finally kissed good bye. The last thing Sue saw was Tom giving her a mock salute as she boarded the ship. She laughed. Tom had always been able to make her smile. The foreman at the docking area had told Tom about another Ferengi merchant looking for a pilot to move some cargo to another outpost on the edge of Cardassian territory. Tom thanked the foreman and headed for the bar where this Ferengi could be found. As he walked along the muddy main street of the settlement, he saw a very striking woman with long dark coils of braids ahead of him on the street. She seemed familiar, but when Tom realized who she was he decided not to catch up to her and get reacquainted. Tonight his own company would be enough. --- A few months later, Dr. Sue Crabtree was working diligently at the Daystrom Institute's facility at Woods Hole on Earth, exactly where she expected to be. She had made the trip back from the Terikof Belt without Tom Paris. Tom had to find his own life, do something for himself--not just the escapist sorts of things he'd been doing to date. He needed to do something that would have some meaning or purpose. Something that would have meaning for Tom and that Tom would do for Tom, and for no on else. Exactly what this was, he certainly didn't know. But the Alpha quadrant was a big place. He had to be able to find something that would fill that gap. She had received a few communications from him, audio only. He sounded in good spirits, and he had been able to find jobs piloting. Nothing steady, but his last message said he had a line on a unique opportunity, something that could be a little more permanent. Sue looked up from the Microcellular Scanner and out into the courtyard. As she looked beyond the restored brick facades, she could see the rolling waves of the Atlantic. It was a warm Indian Summer day. It was one of the best times to be in New England. Brightly colored leaves broke free from their stems and came to rest gently on the ground. Some found this time of year depressing, with the senescence of nature reminding them of their mortality. Sue found it rejuvenating. Every year the change of seasons signaled a renewal of life, another chance to create. She returned to making adjustments on the resolution of the scanner. This was by far one of the most unusual microorganisms collected on the expedition to the Terikof belt. This single celled creature not only could communicate with other cells and react to their environment in concert, much like a slime mold, but it possessed organelles which had the ability to pass from one host cell to another. Why this gave these tiny organisms a selective advantage she didn't know. However, the possibilities intrigued her. She peered through the viewing window again, and began to hum along with the music coming from the communications console. Every afternoon she was here, she made it a habit to listen to what was still described as "classical" music. It was odd that term was first coined when these concertos were only a few hundred years old. They would've been almost contemporary by today's standards. However, the strains of Mozart always inspired her. At the turn of the hour, the daily news and commentary program came on. Sue usually ignored the news, but the vidcasters on this program were known for their "straightforward" analysis of events. The discussion that day focused on the situation at the Cardassian Border and the escalating conflict between the Federation and the Maquis rebels. The Maquis were fighting Cardassian occupation of their worlds which Starfleet ceded in the treaty of 2470. It was an emotionally charged issue, many Federation citizens sympathizing with the Maquis and not hesitating to make the government well aware of their moral outrage. They also resented the Federation using Starfleet to back up a political policy they felt was not only flawed, but destructive. The Federation wasn't budging. The border was going to stay where they and the Cardassians had agreed to draw it. The Demilitarized Zone wasn't an ideal situation, but Starfleet could watch over the situation, couldn't they? Most people did have confidence that Starfleet would keep the peace, even if a majority didn't trust the Cardies to keep their part of the bargain. Sue didn't trust them either. After what she'd experienced out there, not to mention the stories told by friends who had survived the Cardassian occupation of Bajor, she was convinced that Cardassians had to be one of the few soulless forms of sentient life. Sue's attention was caught when the host of the program began with the next news item. "Well, this is going to be quite a story," the vidcaster began. "We've been discussing the recent events in the Federation/Cardassian Demilitarized Zone, and the increasing activity of the Maquis rebels. This is one of the newest twists in this tale. A group of Maquis have been captured smuggling arms and explosives to a Cardie outpost. The Cardassians maintain this *outpost* was a supply depot for a small colony. The Maquis claim the depot was used for the transport of weapons, including biogenic weapons, for use against recalcitrant former Federation settlers in the DMZ. "Biogenics?" Sue thought out loud, "And those monsters would use them too." The second vidcaster began, "Of course it was just a supply depot. The Cardassian empire keeps expanding because they are such astounding agriculturists, every settler on a former Federation world can't wait to join the Empire." "We all know where you stand on the Cardassian issue, Tarek. Federation policy toward Cardassia is something we could go on and on about. But I think it's the next part of the story that's worthy of some discussion." "Federation policy can be so accommodating. But, please continue." "Among those arrested is a noteworthy young man, former Starfleet Lt. Thomas Eugene Paris. The Paris family has been very prominent in Starfleet for several generations." Sue froze. "The arrest of one of their family members as a Maquis collaborator can't be going over well." "I'm sure it isn't. The details aren't in yet about what he was doing exactly, but he has been transferred to a Federation Holding Facility on Earth to await trail. All indications are that the case is quite strong, and the Attorney General has publicly stated that Maquis collaborators will be charged with treason. Mr. Paris is unlucky enough to be one of the first cases following this decision. The charge of Treason carries a minimum of 5 years in a Federation Rehabilitation colony. However, the Attorney General is pushing for a longer term. The details of the charges must be pretty harrowing." <5 years or longer, oh, god> The other vidcaster continued, "Another example of how..." Sue didn't hear another word. He was just starting to get himself together. Sue thought of the last communication she had received from Tom, and how he was guardedly optimistic about his life. She hadn't heard from him in weeks though. She'd sent a message since then, but it had been returned. It would make sense if he was with the Maquis. At least he was alive, and safe. Sue took a deep breath, sat before the communications console and began a personal message addressed to Tom Paris, Federation Holding Facility, Leavenworth, Kansas. --- Federation prisoners, even those held on charges of treason, were allowed to receive personal messages, although they were screened prior to delivery. Tom replied to Sue's message, and his tone was clearly changed. The coldness and cynicism that had been present when they had first met again in the Terikof belt were back, and went deeper than before. Tom thanked her for sending the message, and for her concern. He then asked her not to send any more for a while at least. "I have some preparations to make before this trial, and I can't afford any distractions." Sue didn't understand why writing to her would distract him. He certainly had a lawyer, didn't he? After Sue checked the publicly available records she found that Catherine Paris was on the legal team slated to defend Tom. Tom's trial must have set a land speed record. Within a month, he had been captured, tried, convicted, sentenced, and relocated to a Federation Penal Facility in Auckland. Tom had drawn an unusually harsh sentence of ten years for his involvement in the Maquis activity. The transcript of the trial was sealed, a matter of "Federation Security". So, no details were available to the press or public. When Sue heard of the outcome of the trial, her heart ached for Tom. It wasn't fair that this should happen to him. She didn't believe for one instant that he had done anything that was deserving of a ten year incarceration. Sue contacted Tom's sister, Catherine, expressing sympathy and looking for details. Catherine had appreciated her concern and assured her that Tom would be all right. However, due to the records being sealed, she couldn't divulge anything, which she regretted. The message Sue had sent to Tom in Auckland received a short reply. He wanted her to know he was physically fine, and that he was being given enough work assignments to keep him busy. He was getting a chance to do some hands-on repairs of assorted equipment, which wasn't bad. The whole tone of his message was odd. It was conversational and superficial and totally unexpected. There was no outpouring of emotion. No emotion at all. She had assumed that Tom would be profoundly affected by this experience and might want to share it. She was more than willing to listen and had made that very clear in her message. In his message he also stated that he did not want visitors in Auckland. Over the next few months, Sue occasionally corresponded with Tom. His replies were short and impersonal, but he did respond. Sue had arranged funding for another expedition, this time to the Beta Quadrant. This trip would require she be away for a full year. She couldn't help being excited about the possible discoveries that lay in this very unexplored region of space. After Dr. Crabtree's expedition reached the Beta Quadrant, she sent one more message to Tom in Auckland. This time the message was returned unread and along with it was a letter from the Facility Administrator. This statement informed her of Tom's "parole" and the subsequent disappearance of Voyager. Sue read the last words of the statement, "?.search continues, but Starfleet officials are not optimistic about the possible recovery of Voyager and her crew." She dropped her PADD and tears began to fall. She felt the pain of loss, anger against the injustice that had been done Tom, and most of all she mourned the loss of Tom Paris, the man who was, and the man who would never be. --- The End. --- Note: Now, if you don't feel satisfied by my allusion to the accident at Caldik Prime and the circumstances in which Tom left Star Fleet, I must tell you that that part of the story will be written. This chapter, if you will, is written out of sequence. You'll just have to be patient with me.