The BLTS Archive - Coffee Talk
by Andra Marie Mueller (AndraMarie@aol.com)

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DISCLAIMER: Paramount and Viacom are the legal owners of all
things Trek; I just let the characters out to play.

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He sat alone in the deserted Mess Hall, absently sipping at
a mug of hot cocoa as he silently watched the passing stars.
On the table before him, a discarded PADD bore silent
testimony to his evening's work: newly-established duty
rosters keyed for delivery to the captain first thing in the
morning.

She stood just inside the doorway, observing him in silence,
wondering what ghosts had driven him to seek solace in
solitary. The hiss of the opening doors a moment before had
failed to alert him to her presence, so she took advantage
of the opportunity to indulge herself in the simple pleasure
of just watching him. The light of the passing stars only
partially illuminated his features; his handsome face was
cast in shadow, preventing her from judging his mood from a
distance.

Some sixth sense must have penetrated his musings, telling
him he was no longer alone. Half-turning, he glanced to
where she stood. At his smile of invitation, she replicated
herself a cup of Irish coffee before crossing over to join
him.

"Spying on me, Kathryn?" he prompted lightly.

"Enjoying the view," Kathryn countered. "May I join you?"

"Please do."

Kathryn settled herself into the chair opposite him, then
reached over to pick up the forgotten PADD. A quick glance
satisfied her curiosity, and she replaced it on the table.
"I appreciate your diligence, Commander, but your duty shift
ended over five hours ago and Starfleet doesn't pay extra
for overtime."

"I couldn't sleep, so as long as I was awake I decided to
make myself useful."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"About what?"

"About whatever has you awake and doing duty rosters in the
mess hall at oh-two-hundred instead of counting sheep in
your quarters," Kathryn clarified.

Chakotay leaned back ever so slightly, evasion evident in
his posture, control apparent in the tone of his response.
"Just a little insomnia," he said. "Not worth mentioning."

"Do you want me to leave?"

He graced her with a faint smile. "Not if you promise to
stay out of the kitchen."

One delicate eyebrow arched upward. "Are you intimating,
Commander, that my culinary skills are somehow lacking?"

The smile widened, dimples deepened. "Let's just say that
we're all grateful you chose to pursue a career in space and
not in the kitchen."

She permitted herself a small smile. "Mark once said the
same thing."

He chuckled. "I think my opinion of Mark just rose several
degrees."

Kathryn gave him a thoughtful glance. "Actually, I think you
would like him," she said. "Political differences aside, you
have quite a bit in common. He's the strong, silent type,
sensitive but not afraid to voice his opinion. And he has
the same smartass sense of humor."

"Do you still miss him?" Chakotay asked gently.

"Not the same way I did when we were first stranded here,"
she allowed. "But he was a part of my life for almost 40
years, and I miss that: the familiarity and the comfort of
being with someone who knows you so well. I hope he's
happy."

"What about Michael?"

She sighed. "Michael was...a confirmation," she said. "My
relationship with him taught me that I could be a woman
without sacrificing myself as a Captain."

"Did you really doubt that you could?"

"Until we became stranded in this quadrant it was never an
issue. Justin and I were junior officers when we became
involved, and Mark was a civilian. But once it became
apparent that we would be here for an extended period of
time, I was faced with some hard choices. Developing a
personal relationship with a fellow officer is risky under
the best conditions, and with nowhere to go if things turn
sour the risks increase substantially. I couldn't chance
disrupting the command structure if I let myself become
emotionally involved with a member of my crew. But I'm only
human, and after a while the need and the loneliness became
too much."

"So why did you end it?"

She shrugged, shifting her gaze to the coffee mug on the
table in front of her. "I don't know that there was one
specific reason. I cared about him, and I enjoyed being with
him. But even after the glitch in the program let him
discover who I really am, it still felt like I was living a
lie. There was a part of my life that Michael could never
understand, no matter what modifications and enhancements
were made to his program. In the end, I guess it just came
down to the fact that he was only a hologram."

Not knowing how to respond, Chakotay simply said, "I'm
sorry."

Kathryn graced him with a faint smile. "Thank you."

"I've missed this," Chakotay said suddenly.

"Missed what?"

"Us. I can't remember the last time we spent any quality
time together without being interrupted by one of the crew
or the latest crisis."

"Or winding up in an argument about both of the above,"
Kathryn added wryly.

"We do tend to have rather heated disagreements," Chakotay
allowed.

"Some more so than others," Kathryn responded. "When we
butted heads over the Equinox incident, I was certain we'd
lost our friendship."

"It was never lost, but it did get misplaced for a while.
The important thing is that we got it back."

"Yes, we did."

They exchanged a smile before Chakotay switched subjects.
"So why aren't you in your quarters counting sheep?"

"Vorik detected some energy fluctuations in the warp core,
and with B'Elanna out of commission he called me to come
have a look."

"Anything serious?"

"B'Elanna or the warp core?"

"Both."

"The warp core was just reacting to a nearby neutron star
that is emitting long range radiation bands through the
surrounding space. As for B'Elanna, she's suffering from a
healthy bout with morning sickness. The doctor gave her some
medication to ease the nausea and help her sleep."

"I had a feeling she was pregnant," Chakotay mused. "Adding
fluctuating hormone levels to an already formidable temper
does not bode well for Tom's life expectancy over the next
several months."

"How gracious of you to say so."

"Tom's a lucky man," Chakotay said quietly. "Becoming a
father is a wonderful gift. I'm sure he and B'Elanna will
make fine parents."

Kathryn shot him an assessing glance. "If I didn't know
better, Chakotay, I'd think you were jealous," she remarked
carefully, and took a sip of coffee.

"Jealous, no. Envious, yes."

"I wasn't aware you'd ever thought about having children."

"I haven't, at least not since I joined the Maquis. But when
I was still Starfleet I used to think about it now and
again. I've always loved children, and occasionally I would
contemplate having my own."

"By yourself? Or at some point was there a candidate to
actually give birth to them?"

"Worried about the competition when we get home?"

Kathryn permitted herself a faint smile at the taunt,
knowing it had been deliberately tossed her way to elicit a
response. Fine; she could give as good as she got. "I've
never settled for second best in my life, Commander."

"I imagine not."

"You haven't answered my question."

"No, I never had a specific candidate to be the mother of my
children." Until now, he amended silently.

"Somehow hearing you talk about having children doesn't mesh
with the image of a battle-hardened Maquis," Kathryn teased.

Brown met blue. "Is that how you see me?"

"Not now. In the beginning, I'm not sure. All I really knew
about you was your reputation."

Chakotay took a sip of cocoa before responding. "I imagine
you heard some pretty interesting things."

"I did," Kathryn allowed. "You made quite a name for
yourself when you resigned from Starfleet to join the
Maquis."

"My decision may have ruffled a few high-ranking feathers,
but I doubt anyone shed any tears over my defection."

"Did you?"

"Not at first. But as time wore on, and I watched more and
more of my friends die while the situation with the
Cardassians remained unchanged, I began to wonder if I had
made the right decision."

"Hindsight's twenty-twenty," Kathryn replied.

"It's also somewhat blinding," Chakotay returned.

Kathryn remained silent, uncertain what to say and still
unable to ascertain the reason for his introspective mood.
Something's bothering him and it's not just lack of sleep,
she mused silently.

"You have that look, Kathryn."

"What look?"

"The I know something's bothering him but do I risk asking
him about it?' look."

Damn, he's good. "I wasn't aware I was that transparent."

"Only to me."

A simple statement, laden with implications and unspoken
truths. Blue met brown. "So do I risk asking you about it?"

Chakotay swallowed his last bit of cocoa. "Today is the
five-year anniversary of our return from New Earth. I
suppose I was just trying to sort out some of the emotions
that's resurrected."

New Earth. Memories assaulted her then...of laughter, and
freedom, and love. And an ancient legend that still
maintained a place of honor in her heart. "Five years..."
she said aloud. "Time flies."

Chakotay continued as if she hadn't spoken. "I thought I'd
resolved the unfinished business we left behind, but in
light of B'Elanna's suspected—and now confirmed—pregnancy, I
can't help but think about what might have been. And under
different circumstances, could still be."

Kathryn felt her heart twinge. That certainly explains his
mood. "We never talked about New Earth when we came back,"
she replied quietly. "Once we returned to Voyager, it was
business as usual."

"By necessity, not by choice."

"Maybe the necessity itself was a choice."

A flicker of surprise passed across his features for the
briefest of moments before vanishing. "Care to elaborate?"

For a long moment, Kathryn remained silent, and Chakotay
assumed she would not answer. Yet just as he was about to
save face and change the subject, she spoke.

"When I made the decision seven years ago to appoint you my
first officer, it was a conscious choice on my part to place
my faith in someone who by all appearances should have been
my enemy. Yet something told me to look past the surface,
and trust the man who lay beneath the armor. I did, and I've
been grateful for the rewards it has brought me each day
since. But after our tenure on New Earth, I began to realize
that trusting you with my crew and my ship was immensely
easier than trusting you with my heart."

She paused then, awaiting his reaction. He did not
disappoint. A myriad of emotions flickered across his
face—disbelief, joy, love. At last he seemed to find his
voice, his tone barely above a whisper. "You know that I
would never hurt you."

"I do. But the day may come when I have to send you on a
mission that I know you won't return from, which as your
Captain I could understand, but as your lover could never
accept."

"Do you really think that pretending we're nothing more than
friends will make it any easier?"

The question was rhetorical, and Chakotay neither expected
nor received an answer. He went on. "Life happens, Kathryn.
You can make the choice to take it as it comes and live with
it, or allow yourself to remain rooted in place because you
fear what tomorrow might bring. I, for one, am not willing
to sacrifice the present for a future that may never come."

"That's almost the exact same thing you told me on New
Earth."

"It still holds true."

"So it would seem."

"What we feel for one another isn't going to disappear
simply because we choose to ignore it, Kathryn."

"Perhaps not, but somehow not admitting it aloud makes it
less real."

"Then maybe it's time for a reality check." He leaned
forward, the casual indifference gone from his posture. "I
love you."

Despite the topic under discussion, Chakotay's confession
still caught Kathryn off-guard, surprise evident in her
refined features. So there it is, she thought to herself. I
didn't think it would come to this.

"I've surprised you," he observed. "You weren't expecting me
to actually say the words."

"No."

"Good."

Dark brown met dark blue, unwavering, unbidden.

"What do you want from me, Chakotay?" Kathryn queried.

"All of you," came Chakotay's response. "I want your face to
be the last thing I see at night and the first thing I see
in the morning. I want to make love with you until we're
both too exhausted to move. I want to be the one you turn to
when you need to laugh, or cry. I want to watch you swell
with my child, and help you teach him or her all of the
things that make life worth living. I want to be at your
side fifty years from now when we're old and gray and see
the same expression on your face when I tell you I love you
that is there now."

Kathryn, my dear, you are in trouble. Lifting her hands, she
wiped away the tears streaming down her face before
replying. "You don't ask for much, do you?" she prompted
wryly.

"For now all that I ask is that you tell me that you love
me. The rest will follow."

"What if it doesn't?"

"What if it does?"

Kathryn was uncertain which prospect frightened her more,
but in her heart she knew there was only one real option. "I
love you," she said at last.

The belated confession earned her a heart-melting smile.
"Was that really so difficult?"

"No, but it doesn't completely change how I feel about us
developing an intimate relationship. Protocol aside, I don't
see how it can not affect our professional one."

"At the risk of pointing out the obvious, we've already
fallen in love with each other without exchanging so much as
a goodnight kiss."

Kathryn quirked one delicate eyebrow. "Was that a hint?"

"It was a statement of fact."

"I see. May I assume from your statement of fact' that you
desire to rectify the situation?"

"I do and I will, but not here and not now."

Kathryn chuckled. "Well, when you decide when and where let
me know so I can be certain that I'm there."

Chakotay smiled. "I didn't mean to sound so dictatorial. I
merely meant that I'll try to adhere at least partially to
protocol, and pick less public venues for displays of
affection."

Midnight blue eyes lit with a mischievous glow. "At the risk
of pointing out the obvious, it's oh-two-thirty and there's
no one else here."

Chakotay's smile widened. "Was that a hint?"

"It was a statement of fact."

Getting to his feet, Chakotay walked around the table and
extended his hand, pulling Kathryn to her feet and into his
embrace. The full-body contact sent flames of desire
coursing through both of them, and their eyes met briefly
before Chakotay lowered his head to kiss her.

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To be continued in 'Almost Perfect'.