The BLTS Archive- Kerzoinky Blue:
Something Else She Needs to Know
by LoriP. (zakhad.ficsite@gmail.com)

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I can only guess at what you must be feeling. The house has been so
full of *sheghezuin* -- I'm sorry. The translator didn't render that
well, most likely, and I am experiencing difficulty saying what I mean
in Standard.

The smell of dark emotions. The smell of worry. Zerin has been
bad-tempered, you've noticed. It isn't just budding empathy that makes
him cranky. He knows something is wrong.

I wish you speak of that you are trying so hard to bury in yourself.
Not all roots will grow when planted. Some merely rot.

I will try again in Standard.

I wish you would talk to us about your uneasiness. It shocked me when
'hiri told me you were so disturbed by the idea of his zizen. I know
that such things are not unknown in your culture. You've spoken of
similar relationships before. I did not realize 'hiri having a lover
before he became zel would be so much an issue. I suspected as much,
myself -- the very young have too much difficulty denying urges as
they mature sexually.

It was a shock to me as well that the man would mean so much to him,
however. Though we should have expected that, I think. Our 'hiri has a
tender heart and a faithful nature, and apparently that was a trait in
the making even when he was a young man. There have been instances of
observations agents dallying with unsuspecting aliens -- quite against
regulations, you realize. Honesty is a valuable component of any real
relationship, and such behavior, when discovered, often results in the
scorn of the perpetrator's clan-siblings. Gwahiri would never have
stooped to such behavior, and in a similar vein, he wouldn't take
advantage of any lover.

He tries so hard not to show the terror he feels, when you deny yet
again that there is something wrong. He tries, and tries, and you
probably know he blocks that from you. Can you not see that this
could. . . .

I cannot speak of it.

I will not.

You were uncomfortable with my presence for a long time after you came
to stay with us. I think Zerin's birth united us in a way nothing else
could. It was unspeakable joy, Deanna -- such a high wind carrying us
along! My child, our child, and that you want another so soon puts a
curl in my tail. That it will be yours and 'hiri's is greater joy. As
a doctor, I know the process required much patience as the specialist
mixed the genetic coding -- as a sister-wife, I could not endure the
waiting. To see you swelling as the child grows, to hear the murmur of
the strong little hearts beating and feel the flutter of tiny limbs
against your belly, is nearly as wonderful as experiencing it myself.

I had wondered if this thing you deny, your discomfort, might have
been my fault. When we were alone for those few days when 'hiri was
away on his quarterly visit to *Jhegwa,* and I asked if you wanted me
to share your bed, I was only reacting to your loneliness. The
pregnancy and all the hormones influencing your emotions were in
effect. I wanted to help you through it. That we woke up holding each
other surprised me as well, and only reflected how much we both missed
'hiri.

I did not realize that the real difficulty was that you had seen Jadan
at the festival the following day. 'hiri explained to me that being
confronted with the reality of what he tried to explain before, and
failed, upset you. He thinks it is because he did not tell you from
the beginning about the time he spent with a zizen. I agree with him,
Deanna. That does not matter. He is our zel, today and for as long as
we wish him to be.

He does not want me to tell you -- I ask you not to tell him I said
this. He comes to me and holds me, and for a while he forgets. It's
almost the way it should be. And then the remembrance comes, and he
cries because he does not wish to lose you, yet he fears this has
damaged your relationship with him somehow in some way he does not
completely understand. It is not like him to be so helpless. He
respects your right to make your own choices so much that he will not
influence whatever decisions you may be thinking of making. He
suspects you are working through whether to remain with us or not.

Oh, Deanna. Oh, my sister.

I know that your sex play with him has changed. You do not tease as
much, nor seem as interested in his little games. I suspect it is with
you as it is with me -- he has become gentle, almost wistful, in his
caressing. At times almost hesitant. Slow. As if he is desperately
trying to memorize every touch.

That frightens me most of all.

We are all trying so hard to preserve the family that we are pulling
apart.

If you suspect I am desiring you as kazen, if that causes you fear --
I never intended to give you that impression. I had only brothers, and
Rehia and I were so close -- all I wish is that we be sisters. I have
missed that for so long. 'hiri's brothers have wives, but none of them
are even what I would call good friends. I tolerate most of them,
dislike others. One of Ka'zor's even approached me once suggesting --

But that is of no consequence. I dislike such assignations. I have
never had kazen, nor do I wish to. Attraction, I will admit to. But I
do not wish such complications. It is all they would be. My career as
a doctor, and now my son, are more important to me than wasting energy
with casual sex. I enjoy 'hiri too much, he is never casual about it
-- I would rather sneak into his office for a romp than play with one
of the women at work. There would always be risk, and they are the
only women I have constant contact with -- there can be difficulties
especially if one wishes to terminate the relationship and the other
does not. Mixing professional and personal lives is never a wise
thing.

And you, with your different chemistry -- it must be that 'hiri is so
familiar with human and Betazoid scents, and that he is male. You
smell pleasant and warm, like a humid day when the first plants are
showing leaves through the soil in the garden. You are comfortable and
solid. Your presence pleases me, but I do not find it stimulating
sexually -- I am almost sounding apologetic, aren't I? In a way I am.
Ryxi do not find shame in admitting attraction, nor do we find it
provocative -- it merely is what it is. Attraction does not mean we
will act upon it. I feel almost guilty for not finding you appealing.
It seems universal among the males of your kind, and so far there have
been several of ours. . . .

I am sorry, truly sorry, about Sakhara. I should have flown home at
once. I would have thrown him off the cliff. His behavior was
inexcusable.

Not that it would have mattered what I did.

I do not wish to cause you fear or pain, Deanna. I knew the potential
for cross-cultural misunderstandings, as did you. What we could not
know was that those who should have known would ignore that they knew
and behave selfishly.

I fear, but I have no outlet for it. Telling 'hiri would confirm what
he already knows and cause him greater distress. Telling you will
cause you distress. But I have nowhere to turn.

Please talk to us. We love you, each in our way -- you are family. You
are home. Your attempt to avoid pain hurt us all. I can only beg you
to turn toward us rather than away, before the final turning from
which there is no coming home.

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The End