The BLTS Archive - Lonely Hearts:
Left Behind
by Lone Templar (eric_prenovost@hotmail.com)

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Disclaimer: I don't own them.Paramount holds all rights, titles,  etc.
to the Star Trek: Voyager concept and characters.

Distribution: Ask and you shall receive. Just let me know about it,
ok?

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Author's Note: A lot of people have requested more be written for
'All Alone' without messing up the basic premise. So I figured, why
not? What good is an angst piece without some babbling monologue of
one of the angsty characters? Therefore, I figured that I would whip
this out, just a short piece to capitilize on 'All Alone'. So, true
to babbling form, this was done without my customary outline and
drafting routine. This is just a free-flowing babble that is actually
meant to skip around a bit, duplicating what my own rusty mind
experiences when engaging in hindsight. Enjoy.

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A thousand different thoughts swirled within my mind when Voyager
finally made it within communications range and hailed me. I would
have thought that a week to myself on this somewhat barren ball of
mud and rock might have helped me to clear my mind, but it hasn't. I
stayed in my makeshift camp the entire seven-day period, maintaining
my silence, confident that Voyager would find me. Although, I have to
admit to myself at least, a small part of me wanted them not to. Call
it karma, fate, or whatever you wish, I think a part of me really
wanted to be punished for the way I treated the Borg over the past
year. Maybe being stranded on this worthless rock would be enough
punishment that I could finally feel clean again. Right now, I feel
tainted. . .  dirty. . .  evil in a way. My mind has been constantly
reminding  me of my actions ever since the drone woke me up and asked
for help.

I suppose that I should start this monologue from the beginning. A
little over ten days ago, Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct to
Unimatrix 01 showed up at my door to ask for my help. I was short on
sleep at the time, and am ashamed to say that I didn't handle the
initial meeting very well at all. The Ice Queen actually broke down
in tears and begged for my assistance in escaping from her prison. I
was shocked at the time, but watching the tears streak down from her
one remaining eye moved me more than I had ever been before. I
reluctantly agreed to help her and was amazed when she hugged me
tightly and kept thanking me. I was actually starting to think that
by helping her, I might remove some of the stains from my own soul.

Then came her parting words to me, words that I think will haunt me
for the rest of my life. She actually looked at me and said, "I am
aware of the superior sense of smell that Klingon's posses,
Lieutenant. I believe that Soap Solution forty-nine will achieve the
maximum amount of success in removing my stench from your skin." She
said it without any indication that it was an insult or anything like
that. She actually believed what she was telling me. Without even
trying, the woman made me feel a centimeter tall. And the worst thing
was that I couldn't say a damn thing about it. I was one of the
people who had treated her so badly that she felt that her very touch
was abhorrent to everybody.

I know that I've had my moments in the past where people have treated
me badly because I'm either not human enough or not Klingon enough,
but I've never been that bad. I've never worried that a Klingon won't
even hit me because he didn't want to soil his fist on me. And that's
what I've done to her. I have this thought that keeps running through
my head that if just once, during all the fights that we've had, if I
just punched her one time, she wouldn't have wanted to leave. I truly
believe that she would be happy that someone wanted to touch her,
even if it was in a violent manner. Maybe I did her a favor by
helping her run away to the Borg. She would probably have been a
willing victim in an abusive relationship, just to have someone touch
her for being her. You know, I can actually see her happy in that
situation. She wouldn't have to worry about why the person was
hitting her, she would just be content with any little crumb her
partner would care to share with her.

Kahless, I'm such an ass! Why didn't I see this before things reached
this point? Would it have really been so hard for me to open my eyes
and actually see the hurting woman instead of an ungrateful bitch? I
don't even know why I treated her so badly now. I can forgive myself
for the way we interacted in the beginning. After all, her very first
words to me were, "You have neglected to remove the autonomous
regeneration sequencers." A criticism! The first thing out of her
mouth to me was a blasted criticism!

I know that it doesn't excuse my behavior later on though. She tried
to be professional with me, but I had my injured pride getting in the
way. She would suggest improvements in my engine room and what did I
do? I threw half of them out just because I felt like it. Where did
she get off telling me that my engine room was inefficient? Now I
have to wonder what I've missed. She had the entire technological
knowledge of thousands of different species locked away in that
blonde head of hers. Was that the reason I continued to mistreat her?
Was this a simple case of jealousy? Kahless, I hope not.

Anyway, I came up with an incredibly simple plan. Seven and I would
take the Flyer out on a restocking mission with the excuse that I was
trying to patch things up with the Borg and wanted some time alone
with her. While out, I would beam down to somewhere isolated and put
out a distress call. Seven would take the Flyer and leave, while I
waited around to inform whoever showed up that the Flyer was toast
along with the drone. Nice and simple, right? It was something that
my mother once told me, to keep plans as simple as possible to avoid
mistakes and confusion.

So, I've been camping out here for a week and Voyager just pulled
into orbit above me. Do I really have the courage to lie to the one
person who means so much to me? Captain Kathryn Janeway might be a
tough cookie to most of the crew, but she's the one that gave me the
chance to shine in my current position. She's mentored me through the
entire experience, and my skills have grown as a consequence.
Disappointed her will definitely have an impact on my honor, but so
will breaking my word.

So that's my dilemma at the current time. Who do I lie to? Do I lie
to my mentor? The woman who has pretty much taken over the place that
my own mother should be? Or do I lie to the woman who is so lonely
that she wants to erase her current life and go back to being a
machine? It sounds pretty simple when I state it like that, but it's
anything but. If I tell Janeway about what I've done, I have to admit
that I'm nothing more than another jailer for the drone. Just another
person to keep her as miserable as possible in this life that she
calls hell. I've tried to put myself into her position, but I just
can't. The closest that I've managed to come is to wonder what life
would be like if everyone onboard Voyager died and I was left to run
the ship by myself. There would be noone to talk to. There would be
noone to play with. Hell, there wouldn't be anyone to even eat with.
Every facet of my life would be spent alone. Or at least, I would be
alone until I was able to recruit some crew.

That's the major difference between Seven and I. She was once one
with billions of people. She didn't have to speak to them, they were
in her mind, keeping her company. Then we came along and cut her off
from her 'family' and she's been desperately lonely ever since. I
have to wonder if it wouldn't have been kinder to just toss her into
the airlock with the rest of her group and hit the cycle button to
blow her out into space. Did we even have the right to do what we
did? Yeah, we called it a rescue, but was it really? I can see her
point now. We kidnapped her away from everything she ever knew and
justified it by claiming to restore her humanity. Kahless, we are an
arrogant bunch, aren't we?

So, who do I lie to? Kahless, I wish this was an easier decision. I
guess that I can tell Janeway the truth and then watch as we fly off
to 'rescue' the drone again. I know that Seven definitely wouldn't
thank us for it. What do I do? I can't even ask anyone else's opinion
when they beam me up, because it'll let the cat out of the bag. I
need to reach a decision right now, even though the last week didn't
help a bit. I haven't answered their hail yet, and they're either
going to beam me up or beam someone down to check on me. When it
happens, I have to make this decision and I don't know what I'm going
to say.

Damn! They decided to beam me up. I can feel the transporter beam
starting to take me apart, atom-by-atom. Now my body feels the way my
soul has been feeling since this entire mess began. I can see the
transporter room forming around me and my eyes automatically lock
onto a small redhead staring at me with tension and worry decorating
her features. My mentor. The woman who extended the hand of trust
towards me. The woman that I owe everything I currently am to.
Kahless, what am I going to do?

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The End?