The BLTS Archive- Desert Rain
by Istannor (Istannor@aol.com)

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Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and Viacom, they own
them, I only check 'em out from the library. I promise to bring 'em
back.

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The clouds were gathering over the eastern horizon and moving towards
them at an astonishing rate. Everything moved fast on this planet. The
animals all ran faster then 30 meters an hour, the plants grew at
ridiculous rates, and the days were only 66% of Federation norm. It
was too damn fast for McCoy's preference.

He looked around. All his people were diligently collecting and
cataloging flora and fauna, hoping for a new miracle cure for
something, maybe old age. McCoy stretched and felt his back pop,
vertebrae by vertebrae. He was tired, stressed out and disgusted, yep,
he admitted, disgusted. They hadn't had a shoreleave in four months.
They had fought Orions, and pirates, and been attacked on two planets
where they went to rescue downed private ships.

Jim was walking with a limp and rubbing his head incessantly. It meant
his headaches were getting worse and since Jim refused pain meds, he
thought it would affect his ability to command, he always looked in
pain. Since Jim was hurting and limping, Spock was worried and
hovering, in a Vulcan way of course. Since Spock was hovering, Jim was
going to greater lengths to get off by himself, something the Vulcan
would usually honor, but not lately, not at all. Not since Spock's Pon
Farr. Spock would not, could not, leave Jim alone since then. McCoy
kept a monitor on his Captain while he slept: nightmares, every night.
Screaming, sweating, wake up disorienting nightmares. McCoy sighed, he
was going to have to call both members of his command team in for a
psych test. They were performing their jobs well, as usual, but they
were getting scary.

McCoy watched as Jim wandered a little away from the group and sat on
a hillock to look over the high savanna. McCoy smiled as he watched
Spock follow after a few minutes, tricorder in hand, to investigate
the plants near his Captain. He wished for all the world, that he was
a fly on the grass of that hillock. Hmm, maybe he could…nope,
unethical, wouldn't be a good idea, he'd probably get caught. He
resigned himself to not knowing what they were going to talk about.

Kirk shifted, tried to find a comfortable seat, it didn't work. He
felt the presence of his First Officer moving towards him. He closed
his eyes in frustration and swallowed the emotions that were coming to
the forefront. Spock kept hovering, kept checking on him. He had told
Spock repeatedly that he held no anger over the Vulcan's Pon Farr, and
Kirk guessed that was true. Yet, he still couldn't explain what the
hell was bothering him. He had almost decided to go and let McCoy have
at him, it was that bad. Nightmares he didn't remember, calling out to
people who were dead, and being irritable enough that he chose silence
over snapping at his crew. And Spock. He did not understand what was
happening in his mind with Spock, and in all honesty, he was afraid.
He kept hearing snatches of Vulcan, bells, smelling incense, and
knowing things he shouldn't know. Like a deep itch, that suddenly
appeared and you couldn't scratch it, because it was deep inside,
where no-one could reach.

He picked up a clump of the long yellow grass and let it sit in his
hand. Tiny bugs scurried up and down the stalks, and fed on its core.
He patted it back into the ground. It would reroot, everything was
rooted on this world. He felt Spock get closer. Suddenly he couldn't
take it: the attention, the concern, the hovering. "Science Officer,
you better have a damn good reason to be over here, instead of with
your team." He didn't look behind him, but he could feel Spock swallow
and move his hands behind his back. Kirk could feel his uncertainty.

"I thought the hillock might have a different selection than the flat
plain, therefore I came over to investigate. " Kirk snorted in
disbelief. He could feel Spock's need to say more. "Jim, what have I
done to cause you to distance yourself from me? I do not understand.
If you will explain it to me, I will improve on my performance."

Instead of making him feel better, that statement made Kirk crazed.
What have you done, what have you done? Nothing dammit. Just invaded
my mind, choked me to death on the red sands of Vulcan, kept secrets
from me, and forced me to become attached, non-objective. Made me
realize I would give up my ship for your life. That's what you've
done. He wanted to say all of that… instead he laughed. "Its me,
Spock. It's not your fault. Just give me some time to get my head
straight."

"Jim…" Suddenly Kirk could hear something different, rawer, and more
vulnerable than he had ever heard from his friend. "You no longer
share with me; it is painful to be cut off like this. Are we not still
friends?"

That question made Kirk stand and turn around to face his friend. What
he saw made him ashamed…of himself. He never wanted to hurt Spock, he
just had no idea how to share what he was feeling, and he couldn't
even explain what he was feeling. "Spock…," he made a decision. "Come,
walk with me." He turned to start down the other side of the hillock,
not looking back. He knew Spock would follow. His leg was stiff again.
It still needed a lot of work, more rehab and regen. That was why he
was still on light duty.

They walked in silence until they were out of view of the away team.
Kirk motioned for Spock to have a seat and they both sat on the long,
bright, yellow, grass. "Spock you are my friend, my best friend. I
wish I could tell you what was going on inside of me, but I don't
understand it myself. Do you know I think in Vulcan sometimes now?"

Spock's left eyebrow rose. "I would surmise that has been since my Pon
Farr." Kirk nodded. "Jim, I should have told you what I was getting
you involved in, but I was too ashamed. I  tried to warn you, even
from the depths of Plak Tow."

"Spock, why were you ashamed to tell me anything? I tell you
everything, even about emotion and urges that are ugly. I just can't
understand why you didn't tell me about it. I can't help but wonder
what else I don't know about you. I was learning to lean on you, to
trust you absolutely, and then this came up."

"Jim…," Spock fidgeted, "you do not understand, there is no reason,
only mating and orgasm, which relieves nothing. The men are out of
control, and the women hold our lives in their hands. They can refuse
us, and we die. It is a terrible loss of control, dignity, and
intellect."

Kirk chuckled, " Well put me down for a few days of Pon Farr. I would
love some unrelieved erection with continuous sex. I have been pretty
starved for affection lately."

Spock eyes widened. "Jim, you do not know what you are asking for. "

"Sure I do. I read Vulcan, you know that." Spock nodded. "Have you
ever read any Vulcan dirty books?"

"Of course not, that would not be proper!"

"You need to. A lot of your friends do, at least if how many Vulcans
downloaded the books I read is any indication of their popularity.
Somebody on Vulcan is enjoying their Pon Farr."

Spock pursed his lips and became very still. "I do not understand. Are
you upset with me because I have not read these tomes? Are you upset
with me because I did not explain enough to you, or are you upset with
me because I did not look forward to the loss of control?"

"All of the above and none of the above."

"Jim…,"

"Okay, okay. I am not sure why I am upset Spock, but yes, a lot of it
is
directed towards you. I felt you in my mind when I died."

Spock tensed. "I did not know." He turned and asked with his thoughts.
"Forgive me."

"You are still there. I just heard what you said: Forgive me."

Spock reached his hands forward, "I will break it. It is a link,
nothing more."

Kirk batted his hand away. "No it isn't. We had a link. I couldn't
hear your thoughts with our link. What is it, Spock? Are we Bonded or
something?"

"No," Spock hung his head, "no we are not Bonded." But how I wish we
were. The thought came involuntarily and with a start, he turned to
Kirk, hoping the Human had not heard him. Jim was looking out over the
grasslands and seemed to not have noted that last errant thought.

"I let you kill me." Kirk whispered. "What the hell was on my mind?"
Spock sat and listened. This was the most honest discussion they had
yet had about those events. " Early on in the fight, my strategy side
kept telling me to just kill you, before the gravity and the
atmosphere wore me down. But I couldn't do it. I knew the longer the
fight lasted, the greater the chance of me dying. You are so much
stronger than me. I knew how to kill you, I knew I could do it, but I
kept looking for a way to just knock you out. I signed my own death
sentence. I wanted you to live more than I wanted to live. When did
that become true for me?"

Spock listened in amazement as Kirk continued the one sided
conversation. "When I was dying, and it hit me that McCoy may have
gotten the dosage wrong, all I could think about was the fact that you
would probably kill yourself if you found out that you had killed me.
I just wanted you to know I forgave you, so…I reached for your mind,
and I felt you reaching for mine. It hurt, Spock. It never hurt before
when we melded. It was always like summer breezes and ice cream cones.
I liked our melds. But that one hurt. I've had a headache every day
since. Why is that?" He finally turned and looked at his friend.

"In Pon Farr, a mind touch is interpreted as an attack. I thought you
were attacking me telepathically, so I hurt you. I felt you give way
and scream. That is what brought me to awareness. But…it was too
late…and you were just laying there with my lariat around your neck
and you were not breathing." Spock's voice dropped to a whisper. " I
wanted to die.  I did not want to hurt you. You must allow me to heal
your mind. It was my doing, please. I will never touch your mind
again, after this."

"You are willing to not touch my mind again?"

"Yes. Let me heal you."

"I didn't ask you to not touch my mind." Spock pulled back in
puzzlement.

"Then…what do you wish."

"I want my head to stop hurting and I want my friend back, not who you
have become. You are walking around behind me like I am fragile. I am
not about to break. You keep putting your ass out for me to kick it. I
don't want to hurt you, Spock. I just want to understand who we have
become, and I want to keep what we had that was good. But, most
importantly, I don't want you to ever be ashamed to tell me anything.
I tend to get damaged when you are not totally forthcoming."

Spock's look of relief was unmistakable. "I will meld with you as soon
as we get to the ship and fix the damage I did. Then, I will tell you
about Vulcan. Is this agreeable?"

"Yes."

"Jim, does this mean you are not averse to melding with me? Does this
mean I am forgiven?"

"I like summer breezes and ice cream." Kirk shrugged.

Spock was about to say something else when the skies suddenly opened
up with a downpour, warm, and refreshing. Spock watched his Captain
open his hands out to the sky and accept its cleansing. They sat
companionably in the rain, which ended as fast as it had begun. "Jim,
I do not think of our melds as summer breezes, or ice cream." Spock
waited for Kirk to turn to him. He wanted to see Jim's face as the
human heard what he had to say. "I think of our melds as summer rains,
bringing me life in my desert." The smile he received was all the
reward he desired.

The got up after awhile and walked back over the hill. McCoy was
waiting for them with blankets, warm Saurian brandy, and a smile of
welcome. He got to hear everything, without cheating, and he was
happy.

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The End