The BLTS Archive - Unnamed series:
The Calm You Seek
by Islaofhope@aol.com

---

Disclaimer:  Star Trek and its characters all belong to Paramount,
Viacom, and Rick Berman.  I'm just borrowing the characters for a
little shore leave.  This is fan fiction.  I won't make any money from
it.   In fact, it's getting in the way of my gainful employment.

Thanks to my beta readers who pushed me through several rewrites and
turned a short story into a much longer exploration of my canon.
Special thanks to Roisin_Fraiser for discovering the Vulcan word for
bondmates, ahve'he.

Okay to archive, but please contact me before archiving anywhere
except ASCEM.

Feedback:  Oh, yes, please.  I'd like to say that I do this only for
my own pleasure, but I also crave feedback. And I'll take negative as
well as positive.  I have enough of an ego that it won't hurt my
feelings, and I am curious even about negative reactions.

---
In front of the Starfleet Admiralty, San Francisco, CA, the day
the Enterprise returned to Earth after dealing with V'ger
---

My last visit to San Francisco was during a cold, foggy August.  Mark
Twain, a Terran writer for whom my ahve'he and I share a fondness,
said that the coldest winter he ever spent was a summer in San
Francisco.   Mark Twain spoke metaphorically rather than precisely,
but I have been among humans long enough to appreciate an apt
metaphor.  However, my return to San Francisco was in late September
and I found the temperature satisfactory. My ahve'he and I had just
stepped out into the late afternoon sunlight, and he looked around
appreciatively, saying, "What a perfect day!  Why don't we just walk
home instead of taking a muni?"

"Agreed.  It should be a pleasant walk."  I sensed his mood shift to
nervousness as he fell into step beside me.  "Jim, what is troubling
you?  You are, no doubt, pleased to be home."

He stopped and turned his smiling eyes to me.  "Now that you're here
with me, it really is home."

If V'ger had not cut a swath of death through the galaxy on a heading
for Terra, and if I had not sensed its questing, I would still be on
Vulcan.  And he would have remained marooned in San Francisco, serving
a long-term sentence as Admiral, Chief of Operations, for the crime of
being a too independent, too successful starship captain.

James Kirk had been the Federation's best hope to save Terra from
V'ger's threat.  And, as he told me, it was doubtful that he would
have succeeded without my help.  False modesty is not logical.  As a
reward for literally saving Terra, Starfleet Command had given him
back command of the Enterprise and authorized a second five-year
mission.

However, at the end of our first five-year mission, the only reward
that either of us had desired had been each other.

---
The Marina District; San Francisco, CA, approximately  a week
after the Enterprise returned from the five- year mission.
---

"I hope that you're as pleased with how it turned out as I am, Spock,"
my aunt said to me as she walked up behind me.

I turned from where I had been standing on the balcony, surveying with
vague discontent the fog that had descended to obscure the view of the
Golden Gate Bridge that I recalled from my first tour of the house.
Surprisingly, my Terran aunt proved as intuitive as my Vulcan
relatives.  "Don't worry about that, Spock.  Sure, you're going to
have to cope with  occasional fog, and August is the worst, but that's
one of the prices you pay for living in San Francisco."

"I doubt that he would find as much utility in a home that was not
close to the Starfleet Admiralty."

"Utility?  Oh, yes," she said as she led me back into the master
bedroom.  "The location is wonderful.  He can walk to the Admiralty.
But, isn't it beautiful?"

I was grateful that, although intuitive, she could not read my mind
with great clarity as my eyes swept over the room, coming to rest
briefly on the four poster bed.  My mind briefly filled with the image
of Jim and  I making love in that bed.  I was indeed tempted to
present him with his bonding gift before I left for Vulcan to make the
final preparations for our ceremony.  However, he was so wrapped up in
his duties that he had barely found the time since our return to Terra
at the conclusion of our five-year mission to do more than share a few
meals with me.  I shook my head resolutely.  Someday, we would share
this bed, but now was not the time.

Perhaps her smile widened slightly when she caught me studying the
bed, but, to my relief, she said nothing, and we continued on our tour
of the house.  "It is indeed quite aesthetically pleasing," I said to
cover  my slight confusion at being caught with indecent thoughts
running through my mind.  "It will suit his needs well, I believe."

After touring the rest of the house, she led me out to the garden.
"The roses need a lot of work.  I have a couple of days before I leave
for Vulcan for your ceremony.  If you leave the keys with me, I can
finish  the garden.  I know that Jim has a green thumb, but you'll
want it to be perfect when the real estate agent first shows it to
him."

I frowned slightly at that.  Jim's thumb was as gold and pink as the
rest of his exquisite body.  Although he would become legally a
Vulcan, the changes in him would be psychological rather than
physical.  Perhaps  she was speaking metaphorically, but I did not
understand the reference and chose to let the comment pass.  "Very
well.  I know that I can depend upon you to complete whatever work is
necessary and return the  key to the agent."  I turned to her.  "I
wish to express my gratitude.  Your furniture is a most generous gift.
And your assistance in readying the house has proved invaluable."

She shrugged and responded, "Well, you know that I don't need the
furniture, now that I'm moving into a fairly small apartment.  I'm
pleased that it will stay in the family.  Especially since I know that
Jim will appreciate it; he really has a good eye for antiques."  She
paused and her eyes sparkled with humor as she studied me.  "And this
has been a lot of fun.  It's wonderful to see that my sister's son has
turned into a romantic."

"I merely wish to ensure that my ahve'he is appropriately housed as he
embarks on his new duties at the Admiralty," I responded levelly, but
I turned away to cover my embarrassment.

There was some truth to her statement.  The Victorian house in San
Francisco's Marina District was an extravagant gift, and bonding gifts
are not Vulcan custom.  But I could easily afford to purchase the
house.  And, due to long years of practice at controlling - and
concealing - my emotions, I have never expressed, to my complete
satisfaction, what he is to me.  It was most effective to demonstrate
my  regard for him with this gift.

To my relief, she relented from teasing me further.  "Spock, I'm done
for the day, but if you'd like to thank me, I would love to get an ice
cream cone.  Remember that place that we went to on Union Street  back
when you were at the Academy?  Do you think that it's still there?"

I glanced at her, wondering if this was a new attempt to test my
emotional reactions, but I decided that her desire for ice cream was
genuine, another foible that my ahve'he and my maternal aunt shared.
"Very well.  I am pleased to have any opportunity to repay your
kindness."  As I led her out the door, keying the lock behind me, I
wondered if she would remember that she had first encountered Jim in
that ice cream shop.  Of course, I had not known him at the time, so I
did not introduce them to each other on that occasion.  Neither had
given any clue that they remembered that encounter when they formally
met many years later.

I wondered whether a visit to the shop might trigger her memory.  I
know that I had remembered that day with great clarity when he and I
visited that shop yesterday so that he could enjoy his favorite flavor
of ice cream, double chocolate obsession.  With an inward smile, I
acknowledged that my five years of close acquaintance with him had
revealed to me that something termed to be an obsession - even if it
was merely the slightly unusual name for a consumable item - suited
him well.

---
Vulcan spaceport, approximately a month after  Enterprise
completed her five-year mission.
---

"So, do you want to wake Sleeping Beauty or should I?" Leonard McCoy's
voice was filled with amused affection as he turned to look at Jim
asleep in the back of the air car.

I nearly smiled at him before I answered his question.  After all, by
human tradition, this, the day of my formal bonding with James Kirk,
was the "happiest day of my life".  Because I considered the
possibility  that McCoy's heart could not take the shock, I merely
responded, "I believe the Terran legend spoke of a kiss.  I doubt that
is your prerogative as his physician."  I did not add that it was very
much my  prerogative as his ahve'he. The fact that McCoy blushed
slightly told that he understood me perfectly.

I had surprised the Doctor by asking him to transport Jim and me to
the spaceport following our bonding ceremony.  He appeared to
appreciate what he saw as my effort to distinguish him as our closest
friend.  In  truth, I required an additional service of him that I had
not yet revealed.

Jim woke up when McCoy brought the air car to a stop with a thump.
"Guess I dozed off.  Are we there?"

I turned to gaze at him, and the smile that I had not given McCoy was
in my eyes.  His hair was tousled from sleeping sprawled out on the
narrow back seat of the car, and his eyes still looked sleepy.
"Perhaps if  you had obtained adequate rest during your recent stay in
San Francisco, you would not now be falling asleep on our bonding day.
It is not a high compliment to me."

His hazel eyes sparkled with amusement and, suddenly, he no longer
looked tired.  I almost jumped when he "spoke" in my mind //I'm saving
my energy for later, my dearest ahve'he.//

I considered pointing out to him that his words were imprecise.  The
term "dearest" implied that he had more than one ahve'he, but it was
gratifying to know that I was the favorite.  Instead I responded
silently,  //Understood.  You will require it.//

"Gotta agree with Spock this time, Jim," McCoy chimed in as we got out
of the air car, oblivious to the silent looks that my ahve'he and I
exchanged.  "I don't know why you let a bunch of wigged-out Starfleet
admirals run you ragged.  Heck, you barely made it to Vulcan in time
for your own wedding.     "You forget, Doctor," Jim responded with
feigned dignity which was counteracted by a warm smile.  "I'm one of
those 'wigged-out' Admirals now."

At the bonding ceremony, he had looked extremely impressive in his new
Admiral's uniform, his medals gleaming in the sun.  However, for the
reception honoring us at my parent's house, he had changed into  a
gold-colored, sleeveless tunic and beige trousers, which he explained
as being cooler and more comfortable.  However, Nyota Uhura pronounced
his outfit to be considerably 'hotter' than his Admiral's uniform.  I
had to agree.  McCoy, sweeping his eyes over my ahve'he, had said that
it reminded him of the uniform that Jim had worn in the Mirror
Universe.   Whatever his inspiration had been, I had been unable to
keep my eyes off him, and I was not the only one.

McCoy shook his head.  "I don't know, Jim.  I still don't think you
should have taken a promotion."  But no one cared to address the topic
further, as we stood on the walkway to the Vulcan spaceport.  "Well, I
guess this is good-bye," McCoy said extending a hand to Jim.  My
ahve'he ignored the hand and engulfed the Doctor in a hug.

I felt an illogical moment of jealousy.  Jim had not been in my arms
in two weeks.  We had looked into each other's eyes, touched each
other's minds intimately during our bonding ceremony, and we had
hardly left  each other's side during the reception.  But I longed to
put my arms around him.  //And not let go for about a week// Jim
contributed with a mind laugh.

McCoy turned to me and said, "Well, Spock, the traditional Terran
thing to say is 'take care of each other.'"

I did not intend for McCoy to leave yet.  "Doctor, have you met the
Admiral's friends? You must greet them before you go."  Without
waiting for a response, I led the way to a berth in which a small
spacecraft  was docked.

The hatch door was open.  They had been expecting us, and I had
contrived to leave the reception so that we arrived at precisely the
time that we had arranged.  I heard a woman's voice sing out, "Jason,
they're here!" An attractive woman brushed past me, saying, "Hey,
Spock!" and threw her arms around my ahve'he.

"Jim, it's so good to see you!" she whooped as she hugged him.

He was glowing with happiness as he returned her embrace.  "It's been
a long time.  It's wonderful to see you, Suzanne."  As he extricated
himself from her arms, he added, "Obviously, you've met Spock."  He
favored me with a private smile, before inclining his head toward
McCoy and saying, "You remember Bones, don't you?"

"Hello, Leonard!"  She hugged him as well.  I wondered whether it was
exposure to the natural reserve of Vulcans that inspired in humans the
desire to be demonstrative.

She turned back to me, her eyes dancing with laughter.  "Everything is
ready.  Did you ask him?"

I shook my head.  "No.  However, I agree that it would be advisable
for me to 'ask him' before we proceed."  I turned to Jim who now wore
a puzzled look.

"Ask me what, Spock?"

I took his right hand in mine, looked into his eyes, and, said,
"Perhaps it is too much to ask.  We have formalized our bond today.
Would you now do me the honor of marrying me?"

Both of his eyebrows shot up in surprise.  "Spock?"

McCoy looked almost as surprised as Jim, but the Doctor recovered more
quickly.  He chuckled and exclaimed, "Well, answer him, Jim.  Let's
get the show on the road!"

I watched Jim's puzzlement turned to comprehension and joy.  Clearly,
he understood my intention to honor his Terran roots in a second
joining ceremony.  "Yes, Spock.  I would be honored to marry you."

I led him into the ship.  I noted that the control room had been
decorated with an abundance of flowers, an extravagance on desert
Vulcan that I had not expected.  Jason was standing at the front of
the  room, looking solemn.  Suzanne stood to one side.  I saw
recognition dawn on Jim's face when he heard the first notes of Johann
Sebastian Bach's 'Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring'.

Again, we stood facing each other, both hands clasping each other.
Jim had looked solemn at our bonding ceremony.  Now he was having
trouble controlling his smile.  I must confess that I also felt the
temptation  to smile, but I controlled the impulse.

Jason and I had agreed on traditional Terran vows.  We had discussed
the meaning of the words employed for over an hour.  He had
demonstrated some frustration with me, saying that I should not be so
literal.  I  had looked at him in mild surprise and told him that I
did not wish to make any promises that I could not fulfill.

In truth, I was only half-listening as Jason spoke the words, "Do you,
Spock, son of Sarek, take James Tiberius Kirk to be your lawfully
wedded spouse?  Do you promise to love, honor, and cherish him, for
better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in
health, keeping yourself only to him for as long as you both shall
live?"

Instead of attending to Jason's words, I was thinking how illogical it
was that humans made so many promises at what, for them, was an
emotional time.  Perhaps it explained why so many Terran marriages
seemed to end in disappointment.  A Vulcan bonding, I thought, was a
simple statement of the parties' intent to be joined.  Parting was not
an option except at death.

My reverie was interrupted when Jim lifted his eyebrows at me
questioningly. "Spock?"  And in my mind he said, only
half-humorlessly, //this was your idea.  I trust the answer is that
'you do'//

I realized that I had missed my cue.  I could not resist gently
teasing him.  "Forgive me, Admiral.  I was considering my answer." I
nodded.  "Yes, I do."

Jim's smile widened and his eyes shone brighter. After Jason turned to
him to pose the same questions, he quickly answered, "I do."   I
thought I head McCoy sniffle, but perhaps he was only clearing his
throat, preparing to say something sarcastic, but he remained silent.

"Suzanne," Jason said.  "Do you have the rings?"  She nodded and
handed them to Jason.

Jim extricated one of his hands to swipe at his eyes, which were
suspiciously moist.  I had not intended to upset him, and, for a
moment, I feared that this ceremony had been a mistake.  However, I
recalled  that, although it was not his usual practice, humans
sometimes shed tears at happy occasions, so I chose to take it as a
positive sign that I had broken through his customary public reserve.

I slipped Jim's ring on the appropriate finger of his left hand,
saying, "With this ring I thee wed.  With my body, my mind, my heart,
and all of my worldly goods, I thee endow."

He looked down at the ring with surprise and pleasure registering on
his face.  The ring is another custom that is Terran rather than
Vulcan.  Jim accepted the other ring from Jason. His voice was clear
and filled  with joy as he placed it on my finger, saying, "With this
ring I thee wed.  With my body, my mind, my heart, and all of my
worldly goods, I thee endow."

Jason's solemn look melted into a smile.  "Well, then, by the power
invested in me by the Terran government and the United Federation of
Planets, I now pronounce you as married."  He frowned slightly, as
though trying to remember his official responsibilities.  "Of course,
I need Jim to sign the marriage certificate; Spock already signed it,
and  Leonard and Suzanne need to sign as witnesses."  He smiled again.
"By the way, Terran tradition does require a kiss."

I lifted an eyebrow at Jason in slight surprise.  We had not discussed
this part of the ceremony.  Jim and I had never kissed each other in
public.  Of course, we had kissed each other privately a number of
times - it was difficult to count the number with accuracy because
separate kisses frequently appeared to merge into one long kiss.  I
looked at Jim who gently reassured me. //It's okay, Spock.  We don't
have to.//

Illogically, the fact that Jim offered me the option to choose allowed
me to decide. I placed my hands on his shoulders, felt his cool hands
on my waist, and I gently claimed his mouth with my own.  It was a
brief  kiss, of the sort that we had frequently shared before taking
our leave of each other when we expected to see each other again
shortly.  This kiss did not have the passion of the kisses in which we
practically  incinerated each other with our mutual desire.  This kiss
was a sweet promise of more kisses to come when we were alone and a
promise of years of togetherness ahead.  In my mind, he whispered,
//Yes, Spock.  I  love you.//  As I released him from my embrace, I
heard the distinctive sound of a champagne cork popping.

---
Outer Rim Scientific Research Station, approximately 4  months
after Enterprise completed her first five-year  mission.
---

When I returned to my quarters, a perusal of my comm unit revealed
that I had several new messages.  Those of an official nature, I
dutifully reviewed and prepared appropriate responses.  The two
personal  messages I saved for last.

One was from Jennifer Rand, a San Francisco real estate agent, and I
was most eager to hear about her meeting with Jim.  The other message
was from Jim, and it, no doubt, also related to their meeting.  I
savored the feeling of anticipation.  It was a sensation that my
ahve'he had taught me to enjoy.  I believe that having is not always
as satisfying as wanting.  Jim had taught me of some very pleasant
exceptions to that rule.

I allowed my eyes to rest on a holopic of the two of us, an official
publicity picture taken at the conclusion of our five-year mission.
The photographer had portrayed us as the perfect command team,
standing  side-by-side looking into the camera.  The holopic did not
reveal that Jim was secretly squeezing my hand and that we were both
eager to escape from the session in order to spend an hour alone
together before I left  for Vulcan to prepare for our bonding
ceremony.  Only the two of us could read the restrained sexual tension
in the stance of this gallant, impossibly young, indecently handsome,
starship captain and his loyal  first officer.

Picking up the holopic, I touched the image of my ahve'he's face.  He
had become even more precious to me since our bonding.  Our month of
shore leave, which Jim had referred to as our honeymoon, had been
infinitely satisfying.  Our parting had been reluctant.  I left for my
assignment as commandant of this new scientific research station on
the Outer Rim, and he returned to Terra to take up his post as
Admiral, Chief of Operations.

Although my happiness was marred by my longing for him, I had found my
work very rewarding.  He had never verbalized it, but I sensed through
our bond that Jim was less happy with his position, which was almost
entirely administrative.  He missed the excitement and danger of
hurtling through space with new adventures waiting in unexpected
places.  I was grateful that he was safe, but I wished that he were
satisfied with his work.  Perhaps we would discuss other career
options when next we met.

We had been apart for two months, but the ache of loneliness was
partially relieved by our almost nightly mental communion.  I had
exercised my prerogative as commandant to put the station on Terran
Pacific Standard Time, so that midnight for me was at the same point
as midnight for Jim.  Endlessly inventive sexually, he had introduced
me to something that he laughingly referred to as phone sex.  Although
I took great pleasure in it, I did not understand the reference. I
was, of course, familiar with historical Terran technology and,
therefore, I knew what a 'phone' was; however, we were not employing
any tangible communication device.

I chose to play Ms.Rand's message first.  Her attractive face appeared
on my viewscreen, and she launched into an enthusiastic monologue.
"Commander Spock, I must tell you that Admiral Kirk is a very
stubborn man."  I was certain that I had warned her of that fact when
I met with her to buy the house.  I had requested that she show him
the house to evaluate his reaction before revealing that I had already
purchased it for him.  My explanation was that I did not wish him to
be forced to live in a house for which he did not care.  However, it
would be closer to the truth to say that I treasured the thought of
surprising him.

"After nearly two months of harassing him, I was finally able to
convince him to come see the house.  If his assistant hadn't been in
on it, and reserved the time in his schedule, I probably would still
be  trying to contact him. I think that Lieutenant Garrovick gave the
Admiral the impression that the Lieutenant was trying to romance me
and that's why I appeared on the Admiral's calendar.  Even though the
Admiral was less than pleased, he was a perfect gentleman.  Of course,
if our meeting had not turned out as well as it did, Lieutenant
Garrovick probably would be looking for a new assignment."

"I think he was trying not to be impressed.  He said that he had no
need for a house; he considered it an unwarranted luxury.  But I could
tell that he loved it.  Who wouldn't?  It's a wonderful old Victorian
in  perfect condition.  The furniture is perfect for it. For a
Starfleet officer, he's very knowledgeable about antique furniture."

"Actually, the furniture was what gave you away.  I think he
recognized the furniture as belonging to Ms. Grayson before he saw his
personal effects in the bedroom.  I wish that you could have seen his
face  when I admitted that, yes, you had already bought the house for
him.  It was priceless."

"I wanted to tell you that I was wrong when I advised you that it
wasn't a good idea for you to make such an expensive purchase without
consulting the Admiral.  He was delighted by the surprise.  Obviously,
you know him very well.  So, I guess that our business is concluded.
This was a lot of fun.  But don't hesitate to call me if I can help
you with any future real estate needs.  And be sure to recommend me to
your  friends.  Good-bye, Commander."

I was satisfied with her efforts, and I appreciated her report,
although I had known as soon as she had succeeded.  Through our mental
link, I had felt Jim's surprise and delight with my bonding gift to
him.

I keyed my final message and Jim's handsome face appeared on my
viewscreen.  "Hey, Spock!  I wrote you a long, mushy letter, and Tara
said that she would deliver it."  I felt a shock of pleasurable
anticipation course through me.  I had looked forward to my meeting
with Dr. McFadden, a temporal physicist with whom I had collaborated
in the past, but knowing that she carried a letter handwritten by my
beloved  added to my keenness for her arrival.  "It feels a little
strange to be recording a message for you.  On some level, I feel like
you and I talk every night.  And I said everything that I needed to
say in that letter."  He paused and appeared to be having trouble
deciding what to say next.  James Kirk at loss for words was an
unusual sight.

"I can't believe how hard it is to say this.  Thank you, Spock.  You
really overwhelmed me with the house.  And it solved the mystery of my
possessions that were 'misplaced' after they were brought down from
the  Enterprise.  You had some of my other officers conspiring on
this, didn't you?  I won't say that you shouldn't have.  The wedding,
the ring, the house...  What next?"  He grinned sheepishly.  "I feel
like I'm babbling.  I miss you.  I know that I'm not supposed to.
Parted from me and never parted.I understand that, but it's still hard
not to have you in my bed when I wake up.  It's sheer delight to touch
your mind from so far away, but I still miss feeling your arms around
me and your mouth on mine."  I ached for him as well.  I was very much
aware of when the next ship bound for Terra was scheduled to stop at
the station,  and I felt the stirrings of temptation to book myself a
passage on it.

He shook his head, as if to clear it of longing. "Sorry.  You know how
proud I am of you, don't you?  I love you.  I miss you.  And I can't
wait to see you again, my ahve'he."  His face had turned solemn during
the last few sentences, but now his smile returned.  "I won't say
good-bye, Spock.  I'll just say, 'until tonight.'"  As his face faded
from my viewscreen, I realized that we had never discussed when next
we  would meet.  Perhaps I would record a message posing that
question.

Before I could turn on the recorder, my comm unit chimed for an
inner-station message.  I keyed the unit to accept the call, and the
familiar face of Dr. Leila Kalomi appeared.

"Mr. Spock, are you available for dinner?"

Dr. Kalomi was not my preferred dinner companion.  I treated her with
studied deference to cover up my illogical dread of being alone with
her. When I had accepted my assignment on this station, I was unaware
that she was working here as head botanist.

My discomfort with her arose from the events of our last meeting on
Omicron Ceti III.  Under the influence of a mysterious type of spore,
I had allowed myself to be seduced by this female. I had forgot all
loyalties in the ensuing madness. Jim had not yet been my lover, but
he had been my captain, and I had betrayed him by leading the crew to
abandon his ship.

It was inconceivable that she would have any effect on me now.  Jim
was my ahve'he - parted from me and never parted.  When Dr. Kalomi
asked me to work side by side with her, I could find no logical reason
to hesitate.  Yet, the nameless dread remained.

"Yes, Doctor.  I will meet you in the mess hall."

---
Outer Rim Scientific Research Station, approximately 4.5 months
after Enterprise completed her five-year mission.
---

"Spock?  Spock, are you all right?  What's wrong?"  I struggled up
from the depths of sleep with the sound of Jim's voice in my ear.  I
realized with a shock that I had not thought of him in over a week.
Now my  whole body came alive.  I breathed in his familiar, pleasing
scent before I opened my eyes.  I hoped that it was not a dream.  I
opened my eyes to meet his anxious ones.

"Jim."  I said his name quietly.

He was sitting on the side of my bed.  "Spock.  Are you okay?  I've
been worried about you.  You stopped 'broadcasting' and, when I tried
calling you on subspace, they couldn't find you."

At the moment, I could not recall why I had been shielding my mind
from him.  I could not think of anything coherent to say to him.
"Lasha," I said softly, and reached up to pull his mouth down to join
with mine.  I could feel his lips on mine turn up in a smile.  I
parted those lips with my tongue, and I knew nothing but the taste of
him and the feel of his hands on my face, on the nape of my neck, in
my hair.

I rolled us over, and he was under me.  He was fully clothed, wearing
even his boots, and I was naked, and we were both tangled in the bed
sheets.  We broke our kiss to look at each other.  I wanted him
fiercely, and I saw my desire answered in his eyes.  This desire
always burned between us whenever we touched.  In the back of my mind,
I knew that there was something that I must tell him, but it was not
the time for conversation.  "Yes, Spock," he said before our mouths
joined again in a hungry kiss.

It is curious how quickly the course of one's entire life can be
altered.  My hands were opening his tunic, and I was kissing him
fiercely, when my door opened.  I saw and heard nothing beyond my
ahve'he beneath me in my bed.  It was Jim who noticed Dr. Kalomi, and
he  reacted by pushing me away and sitting up in bed.  "What the
hell?" he sputtered.

She stood at the foot of my bed, barefoot and clad only in a short
garment that barely covered her body.  "Spock, you didn't tell me that
you were expecting company."  She smiled at him, but her eyes were
cold.   "It's been a long time, Captain Kirk."

Perhaps the appearance of any other female in my quarters could have
been easily explained away, but Jim remembered Dr. Kalomi and her
effect on me.  Instinctively, he reacted with anger.  "You didn't tell
me that she was here, Spock."  And to her, he added, "What do you mean
by coming into my spouse's quarters in the middle of the night?"

"Your spouse?  He didn't mention you, Captain.  In fact, I doubt that
he's thought of you since he became my lover."  It was not a
falsehood.  I had not thought of him in over a week.

I remembered now how I had reluctantly followed her to her quarters
after dinner together.  She had insisted that I had to see the results
of her experiment.  I should have questioned why we were going there
instead of her laboratory.  But I was too proud to give in to my
illogical sense of discomfort.

I remembered the searing pain followed by a paralysis of my will.  The
sensation recalled the spores of Omicron Ceti III.  I had been too
distracted to question how she had delivered this sensation.  Another
side effect was a draining of my energy.  I did not doubt that I had
been her lover, but I wondered that I had the strength to perform
sexually.  I barely recalled the past week other than the constant
desire for sleep.

Jim was on his feet, and had moved as far away from her as possible.
"It's Admiral Kirk, Dr. Kalomi," he said coldly.  I doubted that his
reaction to her had anything to do with the fact that she had gotten
his service rank wrong.  And then to me, he said, "Spock, can you
explain to me what's going on here?"

I shook my head.  "I regret.  No, I cannot explain."  I could well
understand his anger, but my head swam with weariness and confusion.

"Spock!  That's not good enough.  I deserve an explanation," he
demanded.

I was ashamed of my paralysis.  Ashamed that I had forgotten him, the
other half of my soul.  But Dr. Kalomi was not ashamed.  She looked at
him defiantly.  "Isn't it obvious?"

He seared her with a look, and then he turned back to me.  Using his
command voice, he said, "I am going to the observation lounge, Spock.
I suggest that you get dressed and join me there.  I expect an
explanation.  I will either see you there in fifteen minutes, or I
never want to see you again as long as I live.  Do you understand me?"

After he left, for a moment, I was as stunned by his words as I was by
the lingering effect of whatever biochemical she had administered to
me.  It was not logical, but I focused on his words 'I never want to
see you again as long as I live.'  If I had been thinking clearly, I
would have realized that this was not the first time he had thrown
that hyperbole at me.  It was said in hurt and anger, and he did not
mean it.  I was torn.  I knew that I needed him, but I also felt that
I was unworthy of him.

My need for him gave me the strength to act.  I did not look at her as
I arose from my bed, and walked into the bathroom to throw cold water
on my face.   I automatically pulled on my uniform.

I did not look at her when I said, "Doctor, I expect you to resign
from your post on this station.  Please pack your belongings and
leave.  If I see you again, I will press charges for your use of a
chemical agent  which caused me to engage in sex with you."  I ignored
her startled protests and almost ran out of my quarters.

He was not in the observation lounge.  I felt a moment of panic, and I
keyed the comm unit.  "Locate Admiral Kirk, please," I said in a harsh
voice that I barely recognized as my own.

The response came back quickly from the night ship communications
officer.  "Sir, we are unable to send a subspace message at this time.
I am sorry.  I'll contact you as soon as we correct the problem."

"Lieutenant, I did not ask you to send a message.  I asked for his
location on this station."

"I'm sorry, sir.  I have no record of Admiral Kirk's arrival."

"Lieutenant, he was in my quarters fifteen minutes ago.  I require his
present location. Find him!  Immediately!"  No doubt the night shift
communications officer was astonished.  She had never heard her
commandant speak with such ferocity.  But her commandant could not
recall ever feeling the cold fear and dread that now overwhelmed him.
"Contact me here as soon as you find him!"  Overcome by despair and
weariness, I sank to my knees and buried my face in my hands.

---
Aboard the Enterprise, shortly after the Enterprise parted company
with V'ger.
---

The guest quarters, which Will Decker had assigned to me, aboard the
refurbished Enterprise were surprisingly luxurious.  I thought of the
spartan cabin that I had occupied for five years as the first officer
of the Enterprise.  The only luxury that particular cabin had offered
was that my captain, who was, in the last two years, my best friend
and lover, had occupied the one next door.  At one time, he would have
been amused at being described as a luxury.  In truth, he was a
necessity to me.  But he was a necessity that I had done without for
over three  standard years.

Dr. McCoy had prescribed rest to facilitate my recovery from the
after-effects of my meld with V'ger.  I would not tell him, of course,
but I was grateful that he had not ordered me to return to Sickbay.
When  I first entered my cabin, I had tried to compose myself on the
bed to place myself into a light, healing trance.  But sleep was not
what I required to heal that which threatened my well-being.

It took an effort of will to sit still, staring unseeingly at a blank
computer screen, rather than pace about the cabin.  I waited for Jim
to come to me.  I did not know what I expected him to say to me.  I
did not know what I wanted him to say to me.

Dr. McCoy uses many Ancient Earth colloquialisms.  The one that came
to my mind right now was, 'speak of the devil, and he'll appear.'  I
did not completely understand what this meant, but, irrationally, I
decided to try.  "Jim," I said aloud.  If our bond were intact, saying
it in my mind would have been more effective.

The door signal chimed almost instantly.  "Yes?"  My voice was
amazingly calm in spite of the way my heart rate suddenly accelerated.
It was illogical to hope that it was Jim, but, if it were indeed Jim,
I would  thank McCoy for the incantation that had summoned him.

"Admiral Kirk.  May I come in?"

When I was last his first officer, we had not asked permission to
enter each other's cabins.  But I had hidden myself from him.  I had
not communicated with him during our time apart.  It would be
illogical to  believe that we could pick up where we had left off.
"Come." My Vulcan control was intact as I stood, ready to greet my
visitor.

He walked in, but he stayed close to the door.  He stood at attention,
his hands behind his back.  His smile was friendly but cautious.  His
words were polite but impersonal.  "I hope that I'm not disturbing
you.  I know that McCoy wanted you to rest."

"No, I find myself unable to sleep."

"Yeah, same here."  He rubbed the back of his neck, a clear sign of
weariness.

We stood silent for a moment studying each other.  I had barely
allowed myself to look at him in the days since my return to the
Enterprise.  He was thinner, less muscular, and there were new lines
on his face.  His eyes were still bright.  His hair was very
different, no longer golden with a cowlick in the front, but darker
and coarser.  I was at loss to  understand what would have caused such
a change.  But he was beautiful still, and the sight of him filled my
mind and my heart with longing.

"I came here to thank you.  I don't know what we would have done if
you hadn't come," he said with a warm smile.  He paused, his
expression turned serious.  "I want you to know that I'm grateful that
you've decided to stay - to come back to Starfleet.  I don't know what
you want to do with your career, but we were an unbeatable team when
you were my first officer before.  If you're willing to do that again,
I would be  grateful.  I would like for us to be friends."

His words seemed to come out in a rush.  As my mind turned over his
words, I wondered if he could offer no more than friendship to me
despite all that we had been to each other. Perhaps it was desperation
that gave me the courage to question him.  "I came to you in the
observation lounge.  Why did you not wait for me?  I do not believe
that you gave me the entire fifteen minutes that you promised."

I saw confusion.  He could not recall an agreement to meet in the
Enterprise's observation lounge, but I was certain that he would
remember our conversation on the science station.  "I honestly don't
know what you're talking about, Spock."

"It has been three years, ten days, and four hours since you left my
quarters on the science station. When you left before we could speak
again, I had assumed that you were deliberately avoiding contact,"  I
responded.  "I was certain that you could not forgive me for my
adultery with Dr. Kalomi."

He frowned.  "Spock, when I got to the science station, you were
already gone.  At the time, I didn't know anything about the Kalomi
woman.  You had already resigned from Starfleet and gone back to
Vulcan.  By the time I followed you to Vulcan, you'd already retreated
to Gol."

It was my turn to look confused.  "Jim, you woke me up." I paused,
remembering.  "You were in my arms when she walked in.  You demanded
an explanation for her presence in my quarters, and you told me to
meet you  on the observation deck.  When I got there, you were gone."

He was shaking his head in bewilderment.  "It wasn't me.  Maybe I
should have come sooner - as soon as I lost contact with you, but I
was too busy. I guess I assumed that you were just too busy, too, so I
didn't  investigate right away. I should have put my duty to our
marriage before my duty to Starfleet."  He smiled then, but it was a
sad smile.  "But I have always been guilty of putting Starfleet
first."

I closed my eyes, and turned the memory over in my mind.  "It seemed
very real.  I could taste you and smell you and touch you."

"No.  It wasn't me, Spock."  In his eyes, I saw slowly dawning
comprehension.  "Someone came to you?  Someone that you thought was
me?  And he told you to go to Gol?"

In spite of myself, I was amused.  I had heard such an invective as
the equivalent of the Terran expression 'Go to Hell.' "No, you did not
actually tell me to go to Gol.  Rather, you told me that you did not
wish to ever see me again as long as you lived."

He looked sheepish for a moment.  "Yeah, it sounds like something I
might have said.  But don't you think that I would've cooled off and
talked to you?"

"Perhaps, under normal circumstances.  However, Dr. Kalomi and I have
a history that causes you pain."  I hesitated before I continued.
"However, if you assert that you were not there, I am forced to look
for  another explanation."

Silently, I examined the memories, and detected the faint whiff of
another mind.  Implanted memories?  There were theories about such
possibilities, but I should have recognized the difference.  Perhaps,
this inability was related to the debilitating effects of the drug
that she had administered to me.  I shuddered inwardly, thinking of
how thoroughly that woman had attacked me and attempted to destroy my
life. "I should have been swayed by the evidence of the communications
log.  But I felt that the testimony of my own mind and senses was
sufficient.  I knew that you were quite capable of wiping records to
remove all trace of your presence."

A half-smile appeared on his face.  "I suppose so, but why would I
want to do that?"

"Embarrassment?  I have no doubt that it would be a painful,
humiliating experience to discover that your spouse of only three
months was engaged in an affair."

"So you thought that I ran away?  And that's why you chose to do the
same thing?  Run away to Gol?"  He looked at me, indignation written
on his face.

I did not deny his right to be angry.  It was indeed foolish to
believe that this man would have left without a fight.  Again, I could
only blame the effects of the chemicals for the foolhardiness of my
flight to Gol.  "I regret my actions," I replied quietly.

He did not appear to have heard my words.  He continued to speak.  "I
tried to understand why you felt that you had to go to Gol, and why
you refused to see me when I came to you there.  It just didn't make
any sense."  He closed his eyes briefly, remembering pain and
confusion.  "You told your mother to tell me that you were incapable
of loving anyone, and that you had to get away from the life that we
had built  together."  Resentment warred with hurt in his eyes.

"Then I found out about you and Dr. Kalomi. I was angry and
embarrassed.  And I couldn't help thinking about the last time you and
she were together.  But when I calmed down, I assumed that there was a
logical  explanation for why you fell into bed with her.  I have too
much of an ego to believe that you would prefer her to me."  This last
comment was made with the ghost of a smile on his face.

"She's a botanist, isn't she?" he continued.  "I thought that maybe
she synthesized an effect like those spores."  He took a few steps
across my cabin in an attempt, I assumed, to release some of his
nervousness.  Then turned to look at me.  "Was that it?"    I was
impressed, as always, by his leap of intuition.  "It was.  I do not
blame you for being angry.  It is inexplicable to me that I could have
succumbed to her and forgotten the loyalty that I owed you."

"Well, I could have told you that she was trouble."  He looked
bewildered again.  "No matter what happened, you shouldn't have gone
to Gol before you talked to me.  That was a thousand times worse than
bedding any woman!"

I was ashamed that I had allowed an implanted memory and the effects
of a mysterious drug drive me to resign my commission and retreat to
Vulcan.  "I should have believed that you could forgive me for what
happened with Dr. Kalomi, but I could not forgive myself.  I was a
fool.  I now ask for your forgiveness."

He smiled then.  "What happened with Dr. Kalomi wasn't your fault."
He lifted his hand in a vague gesture of benediction.  "Don't worry,
Spock.  You know that we never need to forgive each other for
anything."   "Perhaps, you are correct.  There is no need of
forgiveness between you and me."  I hesitated.  Although I had
consciously attempted to sever our bond during my stay on Gol, I was
beginning to sense his mind again.  I saw something there which
troubled me.  "You have taken a lover?"  How could I condemn him if he
had?

"No, Spock," he responded with a faint smile.  "Maybe you spoiled me
for anyone else."

I had been gone for over three years without giving him any hope of my
return; it was inconceivable that a man as sexual as Jim would be
celibate for that long.  Although I would not accuse him of
prevarication, perhaps he sensed my skepticism.  He appeared somewhat
uncomfortable and continued, "I thought about it, and I suppose I
would have eventually.  But I'm afraid that I ended up clinically
depressed, and it sort of killed my interest in sex for a while.  And
then I got  busy."  He smiled again.  "Part of me, I think, believed
that you would come back, so it was easier to just wait."

I felt a mixture of guilt and relief at this admission.  But I sensed
another in his mind, someone that he loved.  "Perhaps I have lost the
right to ask, but I believe that there is something that you have  not
told me."

He looked momentarily surprised, and he reinforced his mental shields.
"Yes, there is something.  I promise I'll tell you tomorrow after
we're back on Earth.  Can you accept that for now?"

I nodded.  I knew that it would be unwise to push him further.  Our
reconciliation was still new and fragile.  "I am grateful that you did
not choose to divorce me.  It would have been your right as the
ahve'he of one who went to Gol."

"I didn't tell anyone.  I just told everyone that you had resigned
from Starfleet, and you were working on Vulcan.  I pretended that the
trips that I took to attend council meetings were spousal visits.  It
was  easier.  No one tried to get me to date someone else because they
believed that we were still married."  He laughed a harsh, unhappy
laugh.  "Well, we were.  Only my ahve'he wouldn't see me.  He joined a
monastery and tried to unravel the bond between us."

"I deeply regret what I did, T'hy'la.  At the time, it seemed the
logical thing to do.  Now, I know that it was madness."

Jim looked at me and smiled again.  "I understand.  Maybe it was just
the effects of being apart so long."  He went on a restless tour
around the room again, and then abruptly headed for the door.  Over
his shoulder, he said, "Well, McCoy wanted you to rest, but I'm glad
we had the chance to talk.  Good night."

I suddenly found myself unable to obtain enough oxygen from the
atmosphere in the cabin.  "Jim, please wait.  I wish you to stay."

He did not turn to look at me.  In a low voice he said, "I'm not sure
that's such a good idea."

I crossed the room and lifted a hand to touch his shoulder, but
something in his posture made me hesitate.  "I do not understand.  If
you have forgiven me, why would you not stay?  You are my ahve'he."

"True, I never stopped being your ahve'he.  I never turned my back on
my duties to the House of Surak.  But it isn't the same between us.  I
can't just fall into your arms as though nothing happened."

"Why not?" I found myself unable to find anything more logical to say.
"If you assert that you have forgiven me, why would you regard me
differently?"

I heard him sigh.  Still he did not turn.  "I was so crazy about you."

It was a disconcerting thought to realize that he had spoken in the
past tense.  I was unable to pretend that I did not know what he
meant.  "And now?  Have I lost you?"

He seemed surprised by the question.  "I don't think so.  It's just
that I've grown up a lot.  I remember how I was before.  I had the
Enterprise and I had you, and even though I seemed to always be
getting myself  into life-threatening situations, I was so alive and
so happy.  When I lost the Enterprise, it didn't matter at first
because I had you.  When I lost you, I didn't seem to know who I was
anymore.  I struggled for a long time.  And then I found a measure of
calm and acceptance."

He turned to look at me again, mild amusement in his bright eyes.
"Doesn't sound like me, does it?  Calm, accepting, but no real
enthusiasm or joy in life.  Bones couldn't handle it after a while.
He found an excuse to leave."  He smiled then, very faintly.  "We
were so obsessed with each other - you and I.  If we weren't on duty,
we had to be together -usually in bed.  Bones used to get so
exasperated with me.  But he surprised himself by missing it and
missing you.  I  just decided to stop missing the life that I lost and
to just accept my new life."

"You fear that I will upset that equanimity?"

He looked at me levelly.  "Yes.  Can you understand that?"

I lifted an eyebrow at him in gentle surprise.  "Naturally.  That was
always your effect on me."

He smiled then.  "Yes, I guess that you would be the person to talk to
about this.  I'm glad that you understand."

Understanding is not the same thing as acceptance.  I touched him
then.  I remembered waking up in Sickbay to find him standing over me.
I had instinctively taken his hand - touching him for the first time
in  over three years - and I had felt his answering warmth seep into
my mind.  Then I did no more than grip his hand.

Now I drew his hand to my mouth to kiss the pulse point on his wrist.
I recalled that I had kissed him in this way when I first confessed my
desire for him.  It affected him now in the same way it had then; it
destroyed his defenses to me.  The warmth of our joined hands coursed
through my body, and transmitted a fire to my groin.  When he closed
his eyes and let out a soft moan, I knew that he felt the same warmth.

Before he could protest, I drew him into my arms and breathed in his
scent. I felt his arms go around me, and he said quietly, "I promised
myself that I wouldn't do this."

"Did you also promise yourself that you would not do this?" I asked
before I claimed his mouth with my own.  Of course, he was unable to
answer, but I felt his lips smile under mine and his arms tighten
around me.  I gently opened his mouth with my tongue, and we tasted
each other's mouths, cautiously at first, but then we kissed more
urgently.

I longed to feel his mind sliding against mine the way our abdomens
and our rapidly hardening cocks now slid against each other's.  But I
would not push him.  Not tonight.  I would respect his need to keep
his shields intact. Tomorrow I would reclaim his mind. But tonight, I
would have his body.

"I burn for thee," I spoke softly in his ear.  "My eyes are flame.  My
heart is flame."  Our mouths met again and then I asked, "You are my
ahve'he.  Are you still my Lasha?"

I could feel a low tremor move through his body as he surrendered
himself to me.  "Yes, Spock."  We kissed again, deeply and hungrily.
He pulled away for a moment to look into my eyes.  "How could I forgot
how  good you feel against me?"  He laughed then, a low laugh but one
filled with delight.  "Go ahead.  You may as well destroy me
completely."

I complied with alacrity.  Between hungry kisses, we managed to strew
our clothes on the floor in our slow progression to my bed.  For once,
I did not stop to carefully fold our clothes but allowed them to lie
where we dropped them.  When we were naked, I pulled him down on the
bed and rubbed myself against him unashamedly.

He gasped with pleasure and moaned when I bent to take his cock in my
mouth.  This night, I would not take the time to slowly relearn his
body.  Instead, I intended to reclaim what was mine.  As I pleasured
his  cock with my tongue, I gently inserted a finger inside of him.
He pushed back against me, and murmured, "Yes, Spock."  And then.
"Whatever you want."

Fortunately, I had a container of oil that I used to rub on my overly
dry skin.  It would perform well as a lubricant.  He was tight; we
both struggled for control.  I did not wish to hurt him.  But, in
truth,  he did not merely surrender himself to me.  His desire burned
as hot as my own.  As we joined our bodies, we both felt the flames
flicker between us. We drove ourselves against each other again and
again until the flames engulfed us, and we were incinerated.

Afterwards, we lay silent, our limbs entangled; I felt his heartbeat
slow.  I brushed my lips against his temple, and he pressed the full
length of his body against mine.

"Spock?"

"Yes, my Lasha."

"I forgot to tell you something."

"I am listening."

"I love you."

"Understood."  I heard him laugh softly, and I tightened my arms
around him.  I allowed relaxation to sweep through my body.  I
expected that we would both be asleep shortly.

"Did you know that Tara McFadden took over your position at the
research station?" he asked suddenly.

I smiled to myself.  I remembered this about him.  After some initial
drowsiness, he frequently enjoyed long discussions after lovemaking.
If he were not such a deeply sexual being, I would believe that, to
him, the true act of love was talking late into the night with our
bodies entwined.  "No, I was not aware that Dr. McFadden was
interested in such a role.  It does not matter.  I had assumed that my
former  position was available."

"What position, Spock?"

"First officer and science officer on the Enterprise."

"Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if they offered you the captaincy."

"I had understood that you wished to remain in command."

"That's what I want, but, if they won't let me, I'd like you to have
her."

"I prefer to stay by your side.  Although I have only recently
rejoined Starfleet, I will resign again if my assignment does not
allow us to be together."

He turned his head to look at me. "Do you mean it?"

"Certainly.  I see no logic in reuniting after three years only to
part again."

"I guess you're right.  We were stupid to take assignments so far
apart right after we formalized our bond."

"Fortunately, we are intelligent enough to learn from our errors in
judgment."

"I'd prefer that we take the Enterprise out for another five-year
mission, but what if Starfleet says no?"

"It would be surprising if Starfleet did not wish to appropriately
reward you for your success in protecting Terra from V'ger's threat.
However, if they are misguided, there are any number of worthwhile
alternatives available to us."

We spent the rest of the night discussing those alternatives.  When
the bridge called to notify us that we were an hour away from Terra's
orbit, we had not slept at all.

---
In front of the Starfleet Admiralty; San Francisco, CA, the day
the Enterprise returned to Earth after dealing with V'ger.
---

"But you have not answered my question," I pressed him.  "What is
troubling you?"

His smile faded.  We were standing on the sidewalk in front of the
Starfleet Admiralty, ignoring the flow of people around us.  "Spock."
He just said my name.  His tone conveyed much.  There was something
that he must tell me, and he was unsure how I would react.

"Whatever it is, you must tell me," I replied.  "How can it be more
terrible than that for which you have already forgiven me?"

"I thought we said that there was no need for forgiveness between us."
He held out his hand to me.  I clasped it.  With a smile that lit up
his face, he said, "No, rather than telling you, I'll show you.  And
it's not a terrible thing.  I'm just worried that you'll be angry with
me for not telling you sooner."

"I will not promise that I will not be angry.  But I know that I can
never stay angry with you for long.  Just as you find it impossible to
stay angry with me."  Our friendship had always been stormy.  Although
we had an enormous capacity to make each other happy, we had an equal
capacity to hurt each other.  Jim had once said that it was fortunate
that my life span as a Vulcan was naturally longer than his human one;
I  would require the extra century to recover from the emotional
upheaval.  Perhaps that is why I had concluded that it would be a more
satisfactory option to break my ties with him rather than to face what
had  come between us.  I now realized that my decision was the result
of my own cowardice.       As we resumed walking, I allowed him to
lead us.  I expected him to turn to the waterfront towards the most
pleasant path to his house in the Marina district.  Our house
actually, but I had never lived there.

Jim is an extraordinarily passionate man.  I would not have been
surprised if he had reacted to my betrayal by burning that house down.
Fortunately, he is also a practical man, and he had continued to live
in the house until Starfleet gave him back the Enterprise with which
to pursue V'ger.

I was interrupted in my reverie when we stopped in front of a house
that was unknown to me.  It was on Starfleet Academy grounds, and I
recognized it as one provided for faculty families.  "I had understood
that you still lived in the house in the Marina District."

"Oh, this isn't home.  This is where your uncle and his family live."
He rang the bell, and turned to smile reassuringly at me, before he
opened the door to walk in.

I had not seen Selek, my father's brother, and T'Aaneli, his ahve'he,
since our own bonding ceremony and I had never visited their home.
But it was obvious that Jim was a frequent guest.  "Jim, it is
pleasant to see you," T'Aaneli said, coming from the kitchen to greet
us.  "Hello, Spock.  You have chosen a good time to visit Terra.  The
forecasters are  predicting warm weather the rest of the week."  Her
eyes were full of warm regard as they rested on Jim, but when they
moved to my face, they were cooler and full of questions.  I had only
thought about how I had  hurt my ahve'he when I left.  I had not
considered the impact on the rest of my family.

"Your uncle will be home from the Academy soon.  Perhaps you will join
us for dinner?"  The question was addressed to both of us.  I wished
to be alone with Jim, but I said nothing, deferring to his wishes.

"Sure, we'll stay," Jim responded.  "Where is he?"  Jim's nervousness
had returned.  I was puzzled by his question.  My aunt had told him
that my uncle was still at the Academy.  T'Aaneli glanced at me
quickly  and then back at Jim.  "The children are out back playing."

He led me out the back door.  Three dark-haired children and one blond
Vulcan child played in the back yard.  Because Vulcan biology allows
reproduction only once every seven years, it is usual for children of
widely disparate ages to play together.  I knew that my cousins, the
two older dark-haired children, were about nine and sixteen years of
age.  The younger children, both the dark-haired child and the blond
boy, appeared to be about two years old.  This dark-haired child had
apparently been born while I was out of touch with my family. The
blond child was, perhaps, a foster child.

The children were practicing gymnastics.  Unlike human children, they
played quietly, their faces solemn.  Jim's interest in the children
surprised me.  I knew that he longed to know his son, who Carol Marcus
refused to allow him to see, but I did not expect him to transfer his
affection to these cousins that I barely knew.

The nine-year old boy looked up when we walked into the backyard.
"Uncle Jim!   We saw you on the tri-vid!"  His eyes and face lit up
with excitement.  If I had betrayed such emotion at his age, my father
would have reproved me coldly.

The blond child's face also lit up.  "Daddy!" he whooped as he started
to walk - perhaps it would be more accurate to say that he toddled -
towards us.  To my astonishment, Jim, his face alight with love,
sprinted across the yard and scooped up the boy, who continued to
speak to Jim in a mixture of Vulcan and Standard.  The child's
language skills were not very advanced, but my ahve'he appeared to
understand what  he was saying.   I waited on the back porch as Jim
carried the child to meet me.  I experienced a chill in spite of the
warm September sun.  My face betrayed nothing - a sterling example of
emotional control for my young cousins.  Jim's laughing eyes turned
from the child to me, and I saw silent pleading.  Our bond was
weakened by the years of separation, and now I understood his
shielding to keep the knowledge of this child's  existence from me.  I
did not know what he wanted from me.  I waited, my hands clasped
behind my back.

The child had also stopped laughing as he looked at me.  I saw
curiosity and, perhaps, fear in his hazel eyes.  Jim broke the silence
by saying, "Spock, I want you to meet Selek Samuel Kirk."  He looked
down at the  boy.  "Sel, this is..."

But the boy looked at me and said softly, "Father?"  I lifted an
eyebrow at the child and then looked to Jim with a question in my
eyes.  Jim nodded confirmation.

"Apparently, Selek, you are correct.  I am your father.  It is
agreeable to meet you."  It was not quite true, but it would be
unspeakably cruel to allow this boy's first memory of meeting his
biological father to be marred by a display of negative emotion
directed at the father that he already knew.

Fortunately, the other children had followed Jim onto the porch, and
they were gathered around us.  Further conversation was not possible
as they plied us with questions in a mixture of Vulcan and Standard.
Not  surprisingly, they were curious about V'ger.  Reports on our
mission had been broadcast on Terra, and apparently these children had
watched fearlessly and proudly because they knew that their 'Uncle
Jim' would  find a solution.

"Dinner will be ready soon.  The children must get cleaned up,"
T'Aaneli said from the back door.  Jim handed Sel to the oldest boy.

"We'll be in soon, T'Aaneli."  And to me, Jim said, "Walk with me,
Spock."  The yard was not large, but it was adequate to allow us to
pace back and forth out of earshot of the house.

"What have you done?  How could you presume to create a child without
my permission?"  I asked, my voice was low, but full of anger.

He did not look at me.  His voice was deceptively calm.  "Is that what
you think?  That I went into a lab and created a child because his
father didn't want me anymore?"

"It appears to be so."

"We've never talked about having a child together, Spock.  I wouldn't
rule it out, but what makes you think I would do that without your
agreement?

"Primarily because of the child's blond hair and hazel eyes - neither
traits are unknown on Vulcan, but they are not common.  Clearly, they
are your genetic contribution.  As for your motives, perhaps because
of David."  It was cruel to remind him of the child that Carol Marcus
had borne him and had refused to allow him to see.  But, at this
moment, I had no sympathy for him.

"You're wrong.  And you're going to feel awful when I tell you where
Sel came from."  His voice was very quiet, but I heard the pain that
he struggled to hide.  "Leila Kalomi came to see Bones.  I hadn't told
him why you went to Gol.  But when she came to see him, I was sitting
in his office.  She told me to stay.  That it concerned me, too."

We had stopped walking and stood facing each other, our faces blank,
our eyes wary.  Was it only my body that was cold or was it his words
that chilled me?  The sun was beginning to sink lower on the horizon.
He  continued speaking.  "She told him that she had engineered your
child, but she was having trouble carrying him and needed help.  Of
course, she should have gone to a Vulcan healer, but I guess she
thought that McCoy's friendship for you and his concern for your child
would come before the loyalty that he had to me.  As it turns out, I'm
glad she came to him."

Jim was correct in his prediction that I would be overwhelmed by
guilt.  I understood now that he had not known of my liaison with Dr.
Kalomi until she appeared on Terra, carrying my child.

He hesitated a moment, but when I remained silent, he started to pace
again saying, "I don't deny that I can be impulsive at times."  A
half-smile flitted across his face.  "Okay, I'm a borderline nutcase
with occasional obsessive tendencies."  Under his breath, he said
something that sounded like, "It's a good thing it was an early rainy
season and the firehouse is nearby."

"But you should give Bones more credit than that," he continued in a
level voice.  "I wouldn't have been able to engineer our child without
him, and he would have talked me out of it.  I don't know why or how
she  came up with the blond hair and hazel eyes.  She's a scientist,
isn't she?  I guess she knows something about genetics.  Or she had an
expert helping her.  Although I don't like her very much, I would
never  deny that she's intelligent.  But I wouldn't have thought to
steal your sperm.  I guess I wasted it by." he stopped again,
embarrassed.  "I thought that Vulcans were only fertile during pon
farr with low sperm count the rest of the time.  She was pretty
determined, I guess."

He paused and appeared to be remembering his interview with her.  His
voice was suddenly harsh with anger, an anger for which I was the most
convenient and logical recipient.  He glared at me as he said, "She
asked me to go to Gol to tell you.   They wouldn't let her in, but I'm
your ahve'he, so I had the right to see you.  Well, I did go back to
Gol after that.  You still refused to see me, and I never delivered
her message.  But I don't think I intended to.  I know how important
children are to Vulcans.  Maybe I thought that you might feel that it
was your duty to go to her."

"I know it sounds unbelievable," he said with a shake of his head,
"but when she knew she couldn't get you back, she lost interest in
your child.  She was unable to carry him, so Bones placed him in an
incubator at the Starfleet Hospital.  She asked Bones to find someone
to adopt him.  I asked your uncle, but Bones talked me into adopting
him myself.  I couldn't have done it on my own, but your uncle has
been a good  friend to me.  I did the right thing naming him after
your uncle and my brother.  And both Sel and T'Aaneli have helped me
to raise him with both Vulcan and Terran customs."  His eyes were
unfocused again,  remembering.  "He probably saved my life.  Gave me
something to think about instead of my own desires and regrets."

His defiance was mixed with fear when he continued, "I was wrong not
to tell you.  If you want to take Sel and go to her, we'll figure
something out.  I still want you to be my first officer on the
Enterprise.  But I will fight to be able to see him; he's been my son
all of his life."   He turned to look at me for a moment.  I watched
the play of emotions on his beautiful face, the pain in his eyes
barely concealed by his defiance.  I had seen the way that he had
looked at Sel.  He loved my son in spite of the fact that Sel had been
created as the result of my adulterous liaison.  "Why would you
believe that I would go to her?  And take away the son that you love?"
And leave you with nothing, I silently added.  As I did three years
ago.

When he said nothing, I asked, "How did you explain the child?"  I did
not believe that the child's existence could unravel our
reconciliation - at least that was my hope. However, I felt the need
to talk about the child.

He paused and looked at me almost accusingly.  "Most everybody assumes
what you assumed.  That you and I engineered him."

He paused.  "Anyway, when she came to see McCoy, she looked at me so
scornfully, and she accused me of trapping you.  She asked me if you
had ever told me that you loved me."  He started to pace again; I
followed him.  "She told me that you had said it to her.  And I
remember how it was between you before.  You said that you were happy
for the first time in your life."

I suddenly understood the source of his pain.  He believed that I
loved the woman.  I was astonished that he could believe that I had
not been happy with him.  Had he forgotten what we had said to each
other the night before?  How we had given ourselves to each other with
such passion?  Perhaps even now he believed that I came back to him
only out of duty.  I was disconcerted that he had not discussed the
boy with me  before, and, therefore, our conversation had been less
than honest.  However, I realized that there had been enough anger and
distance between us.  Now it was necessary for us to heal our bond.

"Jim.  T'hy'la."  He did not stop walking, and he would not look at
me.  "My Lasha."  He stopped.  As always, my bed name for him made him
turn to me.  His face wore the beginnings of a smile.  "Your spouse is
a fool," I told him. "It is not true."

He waited.

"Many years ago, on Omicron Ceti III, I believe the words that I said
to her were `I can love you.'  I did not tell her that I loved her."

It was agonizing to have this conversation in my uncle's backyard.  I
could not touch him to show what I felt for him.  I had to use words.
And although I know any number of languages, and can converse
efficiently in any of them, I have difficulty finding the right words
to say to the one being who holds my heart, my soul, my mind in his
hands.

"My Lasha, do you remember our wedding?"

Jim now stood facing me, and that same look of joy and wonder returned
to his eyes.  "Yes.  Yes, I do."

This was difficult.  But, as he had told me before, if something must
be done, we would always find a way to do it together.  "Forgive me.
I did break some of those vows.  I did not keep myself only to you.  I
did  not stay with you for better or worse. But I will never break the
vow to `love, honor, and cherish' you.  Please believe me.  I love
you."  I had never before said those words audibly.   In that moment,
standing looking into each other's eyes, although we were not
touching, our bond opened up again.  I could feel his joy through our
bond.  I could feel his love for me and for Selek.  He laughed softly
and I could feel it in my mind.  //I love you, too, Spock.  I know
it's not going to be easy now that we have the Enterprise back.  We
have to figure out what to do about Sel when we're gone.   But I can't
wait for you to get to know your son.  I know that we can all be happy
together.//

I looked at my ahve'he, remembering how much we had already shared.
And I thought about what would make me 'happy' right now. //First, I
would prefer to reacquaint myself with his adoptive father.//

He grinned at that, thinking of what we had postponed last night -
the rejoining of our minds and a fuller exploration of each other's
bodies.  //You know I want that, too, of course.//   He inclined his
head towards  the house and said out loud, "First, let's have dinner
with your family and spend some time with our son.  I think we can
persuade Sel and T'Aaneli to baby-sit for one more night."   //Then
I'd like to show you the view of the Golden Gate Bridge from our
bedroom.// he whispered in my mind.

//That would be acceptable.//  However, I doubted that either of us
would be admiring the lights on the bridge.

---

-A New Beginning-