The BLTS Archive - Unnamed series:
No Regrets
by Isla (Islaofhope@aol.com)

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Archive: Yes

Feedback:  Both negative and positive feedback is welcome.

Disclaimer:  All that is Star Trek belongs to Paramount.
The rest of it -  well, I just made it up.  Well, not all of it.  This
is fan fiction, and I  won't make any money from it.   Thanks to
T'Aaneli and Jat who had a look and, amazingly enough, gave me
permission to post this in the middle of revisions to "More Serpents."

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I'm on a ship heading away from Earth.  I told my oldest friend that I
was  leaving because I wanted to see Natira and study the Fabrini's
medical knowledge.  What we'd done for Jim - well, it was too costly a
way to fight the battle against his leukemia.  Sure, I hoped that I
would be a better doctor when I came back, but that isn't really why I
left.   I met Jim when he came back wounded from his first deep space
cruise out of the Academy.  He was the most stubborn, bravest, most
beautiful young man I'd ever seen.  Before him, I wasn't really
interested in young men.  But Jim...well...  But I didn't think he
wasn't interested in men at all, so we became friends instead, and
I've never regretted that.  Not really.  I've been his chief medical
officer and personal physician ever since.  And his oldest friend. 
I wasn't there when he first met Spock, but Jim told me about him in a
long subspace message.  Told me that the Vulcan scared the hell out of
him. I wasn't there when Gary died.  Still on that emergency medical
leave.  When my father died.  God help me.    So, by the time, I met
this "scary" Vulcan, Jim and he had learned to  respect each other.
And they were best friends.  I saw it when they looked at each other.
I had a funny feeling that Spock never looked at anybody like he
looked at Jim.   I didn't much like that I'd been replaced.  So I
argued with Jim a lot.  And when he got used to it, he thanked me for
it.  Thanked me for kicking his ass when he screwed up.  Argued with
Spock, too.  It became a game between us, I guess.  In fact, we
sometimes caught ourselves doing it just to entertain Jim and take his
mind, temporarily, off his responsibilities.     But Spock and I were
friends, too.  The basis of our friendship?  The  absolute
determination to protect Jim from himself and the rest of the
Universe.   I must have been blind.  I didn't see when it changed.
Jim never told me when it did.  He told me that he confessed to Spock
that he loved him  shortly after Spock rescued him.  A couple of days
after Spock declared him dead in Tholian space.  Spock and I had a
royal battle then, too.  Over the rescue, I mean.  When Spock risked
the whole damn ship to save Jim's life.  Of course, I'm not in the
chain of command.  I'd never had to make a decision like that.

I didn't know anything about it until they came back from their shore
leave and announced it over dinner.  Jim brought champagne.     As if
it was something that I wanted to celebrate.     I put on a brave
face.  I kidded them about the fact that Jim probably  seduced Spock
because he hadn't had a virgin in a while.    I don't know.  I just
never completely trusted Spock.  Hell, of course, it was jealousy.  I
remember I told Jim that he should question Spock's  reliability
before he let Spock tinker in his brain any more.  I always  hated
that damn mind meld thing.  Jim, on the other hand, loved it.  He
loved Spock.   They made sure to include me in their friendship.  Made
sure that I didn't feel like "odd man out."  I was grateful.  Spock
could've just as easily turned Jim against me.  Well, maybe not.
Spock wasn't like that.  And neither was Jim.   I was the one that
told Jim that he had to go after Spock.  When Spock got tired of
waiting for Jim to make a public declaration.  He told Jim that he was
going to go home and bond with whoever his parents had picked out for
him.  Well, I knew he was bluffing.  He was too head-over-heels in
love with Jim to do that.  Besides, Jim and Spock were already bonded.
Jim was too distracted to even think of that, but I just got sick of
him moping around.

Jim went after him.  Proposed to him, on his knees in Amanda's rose
garden - Jim told me that one night when we got very drunk.  Sarek,
Amanda, and T'Pau were none too thrilled about it, but Spock's just as
stubborn as Jim is.  They had to agree or lose Spock again.   I can't
tell you what it felt like to stand on the red sands of Vulcan and
watch Jim and Spock take their bonding vows a couple of feet from
where Spock strangled Jim to death a couple of years before.  As part
of the ceremony, they were each branded on the shoulder with some
weird-ass Vulcan symbol.  I was close enough to smell Jim's flesh
burning, just like it did when Spock pushed him down into the hot
coals before he killed him.   The Terran wedding ceremony surprised
the hell out of me.  Jim, too.  Jim was exhausted, but his face lit up
like a kid at a circus.  Hmm, what was that old joke?  Marriage is
like a three-ring circus.  Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffer-ring.
When Spock kissed Jim in front of God and everybody - well, actually,
there were only three witnesses - I thought I was going to lose it.  I
signed the marriage certificate, but I don't even know if I spelled my
name right.  Well, doctor's signature...if you look at the
certificate, you can't tell.

Jim came back from his honeymoon looking about ten years younger.
Which was ridiculous because he was already too damn young to be an
admiral. But about three months later, it all changed.  I had no idea
what happened.  Jim disappeared for a couple of weeks.  When he came
back, he looked ten years older - well, at least he looked his age.
He wouldn't tell me a thing.

And he tried to avoid me.  There were rumors about Spock leaving the
Outer Rim Space Station, but Jim just wouldn't talk about it.   He did
try to avoid me, but he couldn't as long as I was his doctor.  At his
bi-annual physical, he barely looked at me.  But a week later, I was
the one who could barely look at him.  Leukemia, for God's sake.
"Nobody" gets leukemia any more.  But you can hardly blame his body
for rebelling after what he put it through.   The worst part wasn't
when I had to tell him.  It was what happened right after.  Leila
showed up - Spock's old friend from Omicron Ceti III.   Well, I found
out why Spock left the space station to go back to Vulcan.  Found out
why my dearest friend had been looking like hell - well, besides the
leukemia, of course.   Jim decided to keep the baby.  After he
convinced Leila that he had no  intention of helping her to get Spock
back, she left.  She signed over her rights to Spock's son and left.  
The next few months were busy ones.  I had the baby in an incubator at
the Fleet Hospital for a while, and I had Jim on monthly chemotherapy
treatments.  Yeah, can you believe we used chemotherapy?  Trust Jim,
who can survive just about anything, to be allergic to the "miracle"
drugs that are now standard treatment in rare cancer cases.   Luckily,
my other duties at Fleet were a piece of cake to someone who served
five years as chief medical officer aboard a starship - especially one
that saw as much active duty as the Enterprise did.   Spock's Uncle
Selek and Aunt T'Aaneli were helping Jim with the baby.  The  baby was
doing fine, and I was glad to see that he made Jim smile.  Gave Jim a
reason to keep going.  I honestly don't know if Jim was hoping that
Spock would come home some day and meet his son.  Jim told me that the
door to Gol only swings one direction.  Whatever that means.   I went
to see him one afternoon after a treatment.  He always needed to rest
after, so the baby was with Sel and T.

Walked into that house that Spock gave Jim as a wedding present but
never lived in with him.  Walked up the stairs into their bedroom.
Got smacked in the eye with a picture from the reception in between
the two ceremonies.  I could hear Jim throwing up in the bathroom, but
before I went it, I paused long enough to grab every picture that I
could find of Spock and stuff them in the bottom drawer of Spock's
unused dresser.  I was tired of looking at him, and it was stupid for
Jim to keep the pictures out to look at and remember.   I wet a towel
and knelt beside Jim.  He rocked back on his heels, and said, "Thanks,
Bones."  He wiped his mouth, and then stared at the wall.  "I don't
feel so good."     I tried to grin.  "You had me fooled, Jim-boy."  I
put out a hand to grip his shoulder.  I couldn't believe how thin he'd
gotten.  Spock and I used to nag him about eating too much.  Now I
nagged him to try to get him to eat.  And he probably threw up about
half of what he got down in the first place.  Yeah, he was allergic to
anti-nausea drugs, too.  Or, at least, he couldn't stand how
disoriented they made him.   He shifted so that his back was against
the wall, and his head was in his hands.  I took a moment to flush the
commode before I knelt in front of him.    He was grabbing at his
hair, and it was coming out in clumps.  Had been for the last week.  
I tried to grab his wrists to make him stop tormenting himself like
that. "Jim."   "Bones, it itches like crazy, and it's all over
everything.  I hate standing up from my chair because I see it all
over the headrest.  It's in my coffee and my food.  I had no idea how
much hair I had until I started to lose it."

I rubbed a hand on the back of his neck, and felt him relax just a
little.  "Want me to shave it off?  It'll grow back as soon as we
finish the treatments, but for now it might be easier for you if we
just take it off."

He looked up with a frown and then a slight grin.  "Yeah, why not?
It's got to be better than the slow torture of having a little bit
fall out at a time."   Fortunately, I'd brought a razor.  I wasn't
about to use a depilatory cream - he already had enough chemicals in
his body.  I sat on the commode, and he sat in front of me on the
floor, his back against my legs.  I massaged his shoulders for a
minute before I started.  He smiled and said, "That feels good.
Thanks."   I wondered how long it had been since someone had touched
him.  I hadn't  even dared hug him in the last few weeks - maybe I was
scared that he was fragile and he'd break with a little handling.
Afterward, there was hair everywhere.  "I need a shower," he said.
But he was kind of unsteady when he stood up.     "Jim-boy, let me
help you."  I helped him undress, stripped off my clothes, and turned
on the water.  He kept his eyes closed all the time, and he just let
me soap him.  How could he not know how aroused I was?  Well, maybe he
did.  He just grinned at me as I toweled first him and then myself
off.  He leaned his weight on one hand as he brushed his teeth.  I
found robes for both of us to wear.  Too late I realized that the one
I grabbed must have been Spock's - it was too big to be Jim's.  But
what Spock's robe was doing in a bathroom that he and Jim had never
shared was beyond me.   He sort of leaned on me as I led him to the
bed.  I threw back the covers, but he elbowed his way out of his own
robe and climbed in on his own.

"Do you want something to eat?"   He opened one eye and gave me a look
of disgust that made me laugh.    "You need to sleep."  I rummaged in
my bag and found a hypospray.  "This'll make you relax anyway, but
it's not as strong as a sleeping pill."

He just looked at me for a moment.  Then he said, "Will you stay with
me for a while?"   I picked up his hand, and said, "Jim, I'll stay
with you as long as you  want."   "Good."  He closed his eyes, and,
amazingly, he slept right away, but he  kept thrashing around as
though his brain didn't want him to sleep.   Jamming my free hand in
the pocket of the robe, I tried to argue with  myself, but even bald
as a baby and alarmingly thin, Jim looked damn good to me.     I came
to a sudden decision.  The craziest of my life?  Who knows?  I've
still got a few years left in me.   Shedding the robe, I slid under
the covers, snaked my arms around Jim, and settled his head on my
shoulders.  I was his doctor, so I knew every  centimeter of his body,
but that didn't take away the thrill I felt to  finally have him naked
in my arms.  God, he felt good.     Praying that he wouldn't wake up,
I started to slowly rub his shoulders.  He did wake up, but he didn't
move away; kind of snuggled against me.   "I miss him so much.  I know
it's crazy."       "Jim, it's okay.  I sure wish that you could put it
behind you, but  everybody has their own timetable."  I massaged a
knot of tension out of the back of his neck.  "One day, you'll wake up
and it won't hurt any more."  I didn't tell him that it took me about
five years after my wife left.   His face was pressed up against my
neck, so I could hear every word even  though he was practically
whispering.  "I had everything.  A ship that I  loved.  Spock."  He
chuckled suddenly.  "A decent head of hair." The next sound was more
like a sob then a laugh, but, as far as I know, Jim hasn't used his
tear ducts in years. "God, I can't believe that I'm doing this.
Falling apart like this. And I look like hell."   "Hey, if you can't
fall apart with your oldest friend, who can you fall  apart with.  You
look fine, Jim."  Beautiful.  But I hadn't got up the nerve to tell
him that.   He flung his left arm across my chest.  I grabbed his hand
and held on  tight. Felt his wedding ring bite into my hand.  Spock's
wedding ring was on a chain around his neck, and that damn thing was
making a dent in my shoulder, too.   "You know how it kind of burns
when they put the poison into your veins?"

Well, of course, I've never experienced it, but I'd read all the
literature, so I wasn't surprised to hear him say that.  Or to hear
him call it poison.  Hell, it is.  It kills off the cancer cells, but
it kills the fast-growing healthy cells, too.  In the stomach.  Thus,
the nausea.  The hair follicles, too. Jim wasn't going to have to
worry about putting hair inhibitor on that smooth chest of his for a
while.  A lot of people - and, believe me, he's always liked showing
off that chest - probably figure he just didn't have hair on his
chest, but he sure did when I first knew him.    "I know it burns.
I'm sorry that - "   "Not your fault.  I'm not complaining.  But when
it burns...I can't help it. I close my eyes, and he's there.  I can
feel his hands all over me.  That's what it used to feel like."   It
bothered me a little, listening to him talk about Spock making love to
him, so I just changed the subject.  "Does he know you're sick, Jim?"

He shook his head, just a little motion against my neck.  "No, Gol
doesn't work like that.  They'll tell him when I die, of course."   I
wrapped my arms around him a little tighter.  "You're not going to
die."  I actually growled it through my clenched teeth.   "No, not
from this.  Just some day.  When I get well, and I get my ship  back.
And I go back out into deep space without him to watch out for me."
I started rubbing the middle of his back - a little harder than I'd
been  rubbing his shoulders.  Like I could force him to let me comfort
him.  "You know, he put you in danger just as often as he pulled you
out of it."   Amazingly, I heard a soft chuckle, and I could feel his
lips curve into a smile against my collarbone.  "Really.  It's not so
bad. He rubbed his hand down my upper arm.  "The leukemia thing -
well, it was a shock, of course. I wonder why the hair feels almost
worse than anything else does.  But I felt so helpless after Spock
left.  There wasn't anything that I could do about it.  He didn't give
me a chance to fight it.  With this, well, we talked about what we
could do, and I made up my mind. And I feel like I'm winning."

"Jim, you've always been a winner."   He sighed softly and settled
closer against my side.  "Maybe it's catching up with me.  I had too
much luck early in life."   I snorted.  "Yeah, Jim, I heard about your
ideal childhood with your  "loving, devoted" father.  And that whole
Tarsus mess."   "I've still got you.  And Selek."  He yawned.  "I
think that stuff you gave me is starting to work.  I'm going to sleep
for a while.  Will you be here when I wake up?"   "I'll stay as long
as you want, Jim-boy."  I turned my head just far enough so that I
could brush my lips against his forehead.     When I'd told myself
that he'd dozed off again, I couldn't resist.  My hands slid lower
down his back to cup his ass and pull his lower body tighter against
mine.  When I felt his cock stiffen against me, I grew bolder in my
caresses.     I rolled him onto his back, and started by kissing his
mouth.  His eyes were closed, but he kissed me back.  His hands rested
on my shoulders as I slid my lips down his body.  I was too hungry for
him to really take my time and enjoy.  I couldn't wait to take his
cock in my mouth.  I've been with one or two men, but this man...well,
I've loved Jim since I first saw him.  And it was heaven to finally be
holding him and touching him the way I'd always imagined.   He made a
soft noise that sounded like pleasure, and I froze, but when he didn't
push me away, I kept going.  Of course, I'd never seriously
envisioned this when I put the lubricant in my medikit.   Stuffing a
couple of pillow under his hips, I rolled him over onto his  stomach.
He spread his legs obediently.   I lubricated my cock first and then
slid a finger experimentally inside of him.  He gasped softly and
clamped down for a minute. Then he relaxed with a soft moan, spread
his legs further and arched up slightly.  That was invitation enough
for me.  Like I said, what I gave him wasn't a sleeping pill.  It just
let him relax.  I knew that he wanted me, too.  Well, at any rate, he
wanted some loving.   I decided that if I waited much longer, I'd
chicken out.  I knelt between his spread thighs and poked my hard,
slippery cock up against that puckered entrance.  He bucked up against
me before I had any second thoughts.  I murmured his name as I slid
all the way in and pulled all the way out.  And slid all the way in
again.  I held his hips and fucked him slowly, savoring his heat and
his tightness.  I leaned forward and kissed the back of his neck,
kissed his shoulders and his back.  I wanted to tell him that he was
beautiful.  That I loved him.  Instead I fucked him.    I fucked Jim
in the bed that Spock had given him as a wedding present; the bed that
Spock and he had never shared.   He was thrashing around on the pillow
under me.  Yeah, he was enjoying it as much as I was.  He kept
murmuring.  "Love.  Oh, yeah, love.  That feels good.  Harder.  Fuck
me harder.  Make me yours."   So I did.  I fucked him hard.  I came
first, yelling his name.   He came pretty quickly after.  He yelled
somebody else's name.  "Spock, Oh, God, Spock.  I love you.  I love
you.  I'll always love you."   He was already asleep by the time I
came back with the towel to clean us  both off.

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The next morning, when he woke up, he found me awake on the
other side of the bed.  I was dressed chastely in a pair of pajamas
that I had found in a drawer.  He grinned and said, "Thank heavens,
for a doctor who still makes house calls."  He jumped out of bed.  "I
feel much better today."  He paused when he caught sight of his bald
head in the mirror, ran a hand over it with a rueful grin.  "Want some
coffee, Bones?"   We never talked about what happened that night.  But
this morning, a week later, he didn't argue with me when I told him
that I was leaving.

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The End