The BLTS Archive- The Opening Door #7: The Dohlman's Alternative by Isla(Islaofhope@aol.com) --- Disclaimer: Star Trek and its characters all belong to Paramount, Viacom, and Rick Berman. I'm just borrowing the characters for a little while. This time I'm not treating them very nice at all. This is fan fiction, and I won't make any money from it. This is dedicated to T'Aaneli. After a late night conversation, I woke up at 5 AM and rewrote "The Dohlman's Tears" with a less happy ending. I sent it to her as a joke, but we both kind of fell in love with it, and she's stuck with me to get it into its current form. Be warned: it's angsty!!! And *very* alternative!! Also, a huge thank you to jat_sapphire who not only gave me great ideas to differentiate the two stories, but was gracious enough to allow this *alternative* Spock to draw some of his memories from her wonderful story "Still Amok." Okay to archive, but please contact me before archiving anywhere except ASCEM. Please send feedback, even negative feedback. It gets my creative juices going. --- "The infection that the Dohlman carries - indeed, all of the females of her species carry - is the ability to make any man fall in love with her. It's a biochemical reaction caused by their tears," the Troyaan ambassador said. McCoy felt a moment of relief that he didn't have some kind of Typhoid Mary on his hands. He didn't care if people went around falling in love - hell, what could be so bad about that? He just didn't need another epidemic like that Rigellian fever that had raged through the ship a few months ago. Spock's comment reclaimed McCoy's attention. "Fascinating. You are characterizing 'falling in love' as a biochemical reaction? My experience is somewhat limited, but I am unfamiliar with such a phenomenon." McCoy snorted, thinking about Spock's experience with falling in love, but then he automatically entered into the battle with the Vulcan. "Well, if you think about it, scent is an element of physical attraction, and that would certainly be considered biochemical." Spock was still talking like a walking computer. "I would consider what humans call 'falling in love' to be more of an intellectual reaction between two people." "You would, wouldn't you, Spock?" McCoy knew better. Spock might tell himself that his attraction to Jim was intellectual, but McCoy could see the way they looked at each other. Jim wasn't the only one who got caught daydreaming at morning briefings. Spock might be able to cover up his momentary confusion on those occasions, but McCoy usually could see right through him. The ambassador sat up on the bio-bed. "Are you two going to stand here all day arguing about the attributes of love and physical attraction? Or are you going to warn your captain?" McCoy patted the ambassador's shoulder soothingly. "I wouldn't worry about the captain falling in love with your Dohlman. I know that Jim Kirk has something of a reputation, but it's exaggerated. He hasn't fallen in love with any of his passengers in some time. Isn't that right, Spock?" The cold look that Spock gave him made McCoy almost regret saying it. Almost. Spock, always the scientist, said, "I should like more information." He retreated into McCoy's office. After the ambassador left the Sickbay, McCoy joined Spock. The teasing comment that he'd planned to make died in his throat. Spock wore an expression of - annoyance? discontent? concern? - Well, McCoy couldn't identify the emotion, but it wasn't good news. "Anything, Spock?" "Yes, there is actually a large body of research on the phenomenon in general, and ten lengthy papers that deal specifically with the biochemical effects of the tears of the female of the Dohlman's species." "We should warn Jim, even if it's poppycock. He'll just laugh at us, don't you think? He won't think you're just trying to get him to stay away from the Dohlman." McCoy tried to imagine Spock in a jealous rage, but couldn't quite. "And, like the ambassador said, we shouldn't delay." "Fortunately, Doctor, I read quickly; I would characterize the risk as great enough that it is our duty to warn him." Spock called the bridge and they soon discovered that Jim was still in the Dohlman's quarters. McCoy thought about what the ambassador had said. Jim never used to put up much of a fight if a beautiful woman 'set her cap' for him, but since he'd fallen for Spock, he barely noticed the woman who still seemed to flock around him. It seemed unlikely that the rude - and not all that attractive - Dohlman would have any effect on Jim. "You can't think that Jim -" "Is susceptible to a 'biochemical' reaction? Why would you assume that he was immune? Naturally, he has sufficient strength of will that it will not affect his command performance. However, I would prefer that he was not subjected to the emotional side effects that would be inevitable with something of this nature." Spock swallowed convulsively, and McCoy knew that was a dead giveaway that Spock was concerned about Jim. There was no answer when Spock first buzzed to request entry. McCoy gripped his mediscanner a little tighter. "Emergency medical override?" "Agreed." Spock stepped aside to allow McCoy to key in the code. When the door slid open, McCoy started to walk in but came to a dead halt when he saw Jim locked in a fervent embrace with the Dohlman. "Captain." Spock's voice was cool and controlled, but McCoy saw Spock swallow again. Spock's voice seemed to get through to Jim, and he broke the embrace, but didn't remove his hand from around the Dohlman's waist. Jim didn't look angry; he looked confused. McCoy glanced at Spock, wishing that he could protect the Vulcan from the pain he must be feeling right now. There was nothing to do for Spock, so he turned back to Jim. "Um, Jim, can we see you outside?" Jim did not respond until Spock repeated McCoy's request. Then he nodded once, glanced at the Dohlman apologetically before releasing her, and led his officers out into the corridor. When he still said nothing, McCoy said, "Did she cry, Jim? Did her tears get on you?" Again, Jim didn't react until he heard Spock's words. "Captain. Her tears. Did you allow her tears to come in contact with your skin?" McCoy had the strangest feeling that Spock was engaged in some kind of battle against the Dohlman with Jim as the prize. And McCoy was kind of glad that he was just a witness. When Jim admitted that the tears had touched his skin, McCoy stopped being a silent witness. "Well, we need to get busy." McCoy grabbed Jim by his arm and pulled him towards the turbolift. "I need to run some tests on you. The ambassador says it's an infection, so all we have to do is come up with an antidote." --- "This won't hurt a bit." McCoy hissed another hypo against Jim's shoulder. His words of reassurance were one of those automatic lies that doctors always tell their patients. This method wasn't as bad as the old-fashioned way of drawing blood by piercing a vein with a needle, but it was still damn uncomfortable, especially considering how many samples McCoy had drawn in the last half hour. But Jim didn't even flinch. McCoy felt a mixture of relief - that Jim appeared to be so relaxed - and concern - that Jim appeared too drawn and exhausted to muster any reaction. McCoy had been a little worried about him lately. He'd been working long hours and had seemed to exist on very little sleep or food. But his efficiency rating had never been higher. And the whole crew had benefited from his apparently inexhaustible pool of happiness. Some people might react to happiness by becoming lazy or distracted. The effect on James T. Kirk was that he just worked harder. McCoy checked the feinburger again. The hormonal levels were dangerously high. Something teased at McCoy's memory. "I'll be right back, Jim." Yeah, it was just what he suspected. Some of the symptoms recalled Spock's pon farr. McCoy turned away from the computer and drummed his stylus on the desk. Okay, time for some theorizing. Might be a good idea to get Spock down here to help him, but McCoy felt extraordinarily reluctant to get the Vulcan involved in this discussion. Fact: Jim had been spending an inordinate amount of time with Spock. Fact: McCoy had a pretty good idea that Spock was exercising a greater than usual influence on Jim. McCoy thought about a recent discussion with a Vulcan healer who'd been a classmate a long time ago at Emory. She'd been far more informative about Vulcan sexuality than Spock ever had been, and she'd correctly recognized that pon farr was a medical condition that McCoy needed to know about. After all, both Jim and Spock were at risk now. He hadn't discussed his suspicion that Spock had acted unscrupulously when he'd changed Jim's memory of Rayna. Probably because he didn't want to think about the next link in the chain - whether Spock had used some kind of mental control to influence Jim to fall in love with him. McCoy sighed as pushed his chair away from the desk. This had nothing to do with their current problem. Well, only in the sense that Elaan had used some kind of chemical reaction to captivate Jim. And Spock had used some kind of mental control. Stop it, Len. You don't know that. Spock really cares about Jim. Okay, back to the pon farr theory. No, it wasn't relevant. His Vulcan colleague had told him that, once bonded, both partners experienced the fire of pon farr. However, she had been uncertain when he'd asked if it applied when both partners were male. Practicing homosexuals were fairly rare on Vulcan. Not that the percentage of Vulcans with that orientation was any lower than among Terrans, McCoy was willing to bet, but Vulcans were bonded at a young age, before they had any clue about their own sexuality. It just didn't apply here. Jim and Spock were lovers, but they weren't bonded. McCoy was sure of it. His tests hadn't revealed the unmistakable *fingerprint* of Spock's mind on Jim's. And McCoy had always seen that after they engaged in a mind meld. So that cleared Spock of any suspicion of wrongdoing. If Spock were desperate enough to act unscrupulously to get Jim to fall in love with him, he would've 'closed the deal' by now. Besides, there was clear evidence that the kind of biochemicals that the Dohlman was carrying around affected men regardless of who else they might be having sex with - Vulcan or not. No, it was logical that some of the physical symptoms were common between pon farr and Jim's current condition. Both related to some sort of compulsion to engage in sexual activity. McCoy sighed and scrubbed at his eyes with his fists. He knew that there was no antidote for pon farr except sex and plenty of it. Probably it was the same with Jim's current condition. But he'd promised Spock that he would look for an antidote. --- Returning to Deck Five late in the ship's night, Spock paused outside his captain's quarters. The door slid open. Jim looked up with a slight smile of welcome. "I'm glad you came, Spock. I thought you might be angry with me." "As you are no doubt aware, Captain, Vulcans are not capable of anger." Spock did not smile, but he knew that Jim would understand that Spock was teasing his lover. Jim lifted both of his eyebrows, and his smile widened fractionally, sharing the joke. "Yes. I wonder how I could have forgotten that." Jim's attention shifted to his computer. "I read the research papers that you forwarded to me. I wouldn't have believed this if I weren't actually experiencing it." When Jim asked Spock to sit down, he complied, reaching across the desk to capture Jim's hand. As Spock had expected, Jim returned the grip and said, "I love you." Spock decided that it was time to understand more about the Dohlman's effect on his intended bondmate. "T'hy'la, tell me what you are feeling." Remembering that Jim had looked at the back of his hand in bewilderment, Spock placed two fingers on the spot where the Dohlman's tears had touched Jim's skin. Jim raised his eyes to Spock. "I'm scared, Spock. I don't know what she did, but I feel like she ripped out part of my soul." "Illogical. You do not *feel* any different to me." Spock considered whether to reclaim his lover. He began by kissing Jim's hand, but Jim did not react. When Spock took Jim into his arms, Jim returned his embrace and kiss automatically. Spock plundered Jim's mouth with his tongue, and lightly touched his mind. Jim's mind was warm and tempting, but his body was cool and unresponsive. Jim's scent was somehow different; Spock breathed it in and felt his own body become aroused. He considered carrying Jim to the bed to enjoy his body. Perhaps it was Vulcan pride, but Spock decided that he enjoyed Jim's responsiveness far too much to settle for mere submission. He believed that if he now took Jim's mind, the human's body would automatically respond to Spock's arousal. However, he resisted the impulse - there was not enough information to be sure of the effect on his own physiology if he bonded with Jim while the Dohlman still exercised her influence. "Damn." The voice, full of sadness, startled Spock, and he released Jim. "I'm looking at you, and I know that I love you. I know that you are everything that I want. Everything that I need. I also remember how your touch always made me feel. So unsettled and full of heat." Jim had begun to pace. "Just now when you touched me, I didn't even feel it. All I can feel is where her tears burned me. I didn't notice at the time, but that's still there. She's awful. I can't imagine wanting to spend my life with her." An idea lit up the beautiful hazel eyes. "Remember that thing you did with Rayna? Can't you touch my mind now and make me forget how I feel about Elaan?" Spock's breath came out in an involuntary gasp. He had wondered when the day would come that they would speak of this. "I cannot answer that question with any degree of certainty. As you said, your reaction is physical, and intellectually, you are not attracted to her. In addition, I resist the idea of interfering with your mind at this time. I do not know that it would work." "But if you did it before to win me, why wouldn't you do it again to keep me?" Spock gripped his hands behind his back, pleased that Jim had intuited what had been done to him and reassured that it did not appear to trouble Jim. "I intended only to remove a memory that was painful to you - and to remove emotions that I believed were unfairly induced in you. As for the emotions that you discovered that you felt for me several months later - " "Doesn't it make a difference that I'm willing now, Spock?" Before they could continue this line of discussion, Jim turned at a signal from his comm unit. "Kirk here." The Dohlman's voice floated from the comm unit. "James, I am waiting." "Elaan, I can't. I have duties." "Come when you can." He switched off the comm unit and turned to meet Spock's eyes. "Spock, you have to help me." Jim placed Spock's hand on his temple. "We've been lovers for months. I thought you wanted more, and I know that I want it, too." Spock was pleased that Jim was referring to the bonding, but the Vulcan knew that he must refuse. "I cannot. The bonding is not meant for this." He felt some regret, but it was not safe to bond now while the Dohlman's chemicals coursed through Jim's bloodstream. Jim's face lost all emotion, and he stepped away. "Fine. I'm free. I'm free of the man that I love. But I'm a prisoner of a woman that I despise." He walked out the door. Spock remained in Jim's quarters considering what had passed between them. In truth, he was angry with Jim for deserting his bed in favor of the Dohlman's. However, he had read the research, and had decided that it was most prudent to allow Jim to burn out his lust for the female. Later, when they were bonded, Spock would put aside his tenderness for the human long enough to teach him what it meant to belong to a Vulcan. If Jim had the strength of will to send the female away as his duty required, he would be free of her. Spock *knew* that Jim had the strength of will. Spock felt a surge of pride. Jim would make a magnificent mate when he finally came to Spock freely. Spock refused to ask himself the most logical question: considering the tampering that both he and the Dohlman had done with Jim's mind, was it still possible for Jim to choose freely? Beyond the uncertainty of the Dohlman's effects on him, was it Vulcan or human pride that made Spock hesitate to bond with Jim? He knew that he wished Jim to choose the bonding freely out of his own desire for Spock. Not because Spock was a better choice than the Dohlman. In truth, it was not pride that had prevented Spock from initiating the bond before they had encountered the Dohlman. He had not told Jim of the implanted emotions and had been unable to predict Jim's reaction if he had discovered the truth in Spock's mind after they bonded. However, it was clear that Jim already knew, and, further, Jim did not resent Spock's actions. Perhaps if he had risked telling Jim sooner, this whole unpleasant situation with the Dohlman could have been avoided. Kadith. What was, was. In truth, the unpleasantness with the Dohlman was also something that could be used. He recalled how his mother subtly used her knowledge of his father's occasional indiscretions. He did not doubt that Jim would feel guilt and shame for betraying his lover. If necessary, he would use those emotions to bind Jim closer. --- It had been six hours since the Enterprise had left Elaan on Troyius, and keeping himself in his command chair until the end of the alpha shift had taken all the control Jim could muster. He had thrown his uniform into the recycler, stood under the sonic shower, and dressed himself in a short sleeve tunic and pants that Spock had once told him were 'aesthetically pleasing.' Jim hesitated outside Spock's door. His head hurt - not surprising considering that he'd barely slept or eaten anything in the last few days. Well, maybe one good thing had come of it: they had talked about when Spock removed his memories of Rayna. It surprised him that Spock wasn't willing to remove the memories of Elaan, too. Then this whole thing would've been over sooner. When Jim buzzed, the door slid open, but Spock didn't glance up from his computer immediately. "Spock." Jim stood waiting. When he did look up, Spock said, "Captain, what can I do for you?" "I wanted to talk to you." Jim forced himself to meet Spock's eyes without flinching. "I want to apologize." It seemed like forever before Spock answered. "Unnecessary. You are not responsible for what happened." Jim didn't like how calm Spock looked. He almost shouted to break into the Vulcan's complacency. "Don't say that! Of course, I'm responsible for what I did." "As I understand it, you were infected by her tears and were unable to resist 'falling in love' with her." His anger drained away, and he felt very tired. "Don't be ridiculous. I wasn't in love with her. I love you." Spock's gaze didn't waver. "Your actions proved otherwise." He shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "I am completely ashamed of myself. I don't blame you if you don't forgive me, but I want you to know that you're wrong about something you said." Spock lifted an eyebrow in inquiry but said nothing. "It's not the Enterprise that I'm infected with. It's you." Jim took a deep breath. "I went to see McCoy; I was going to let him try the antidote, but I decided that I didn't need it." Spock appeared to come to a decision. When he stood up, and walked around the desk, Jim's breath caught in his throat. Spock was so damn gorgeous. It was ship's night, and he had already removed his blue science tunic. He wore his black regulation t-shirt and uniform pants that hugged in all the right places. Long, lean, lightly muscled, and smelling of his own special exotic scent. Jim had to grab the back of the chair to steady himself against the vertigo that shot through him. The Vulcan faced Jim. "James Kirk, wilt thou bond with me?" It was so sudden. One minute, Spock was coldly reminding Jim of his betrayal, and, the next minute, he was asking for a permanent commitment. Why now? "Spock, are you asking me as a test of my love for you?" Jim was startled, but somehow it steadied him to say Spock's name. "Do you think that it will make me love you more? That I'll be less likely to betray you? Spock, I never stopped loving you the whole time that I was with Elaan." "I have never doubted your love for me. Rather I wish to demonstrate the depth of my feelings for you." A fine tremor ran through Jim's body, but he couldn't feel much of anything beyond that. He knew he was asking questions just to delay answering Spock's proposal. "What do we have to do? Do we need to go to Vulcan?" Spock shook his head. "What I propose is not a formal bond, which would require witnesses and would take place on Vulcan. This is private between us. I will join our minds, and we will join our bodies. We will form the bond without intervention." Jim tried to remember the last time that they had joined minds. Certainly it was before they had become lovers. They had talked about it once, and Spock had told him that the mind meld during sexual activity could lead to a bonding. Apparently Spock had decided that it was time to complete the bonding. Before Jim could respond, Spock placed his hands on Jim's face. "My mind to your mind; my heart to your heart." The words seemed familiar, but even more familiar was the sensation of Spock's mind sliding into his own. He got scared. He put up his hands to push Spock's hands away. "Wait, Spock. We need to talk some more." Spock studied Jim silently for a moment before he said, "I admire your mind." He leaned forward and kissed Jim's mouth. His mouth tasted so good. And his tongue felt really good, too. Jim almost forgot what they had been talking about. Spock broke the kiss, and said, "I had wanted your mind even as I touched your body. Your body has long aroused mine, but I understand now that I could never be satisfied with one without the other." Jim's knees felt weak. He wanted Spock to kiss him again, but there were alarms going off in his head. "All this time, you've really wanted my mind?" When Spock reached for Jim again, long, slender fingers entwined in the bright hair. "I wish to bond with thee. To make you mine forever. It is what I have always wanted from you - perhaps from the first day that we met. But, Lasha, it is better that we waited to bond. It was I who was not ready that first night. Not you." "Explain, Spock." He said it in his command voice, pretending that he was still a starship captain requesting information from his science officer. "Why now? Right after I betrayed you?" Apparently unwilling to go along with the pretense, Spock caressed Jim's temple, sending another tremor through his body. "When I first confessed to wanting you, I wanted this. I understood that I enjoyed your touch as well, but I was unprepared for the depth of my need once I kissed you and lay with you." "That's why you weren't ready to bond with me when we first made love?" Spock nodded. "I was unprepared by how deeply you affected me. Emotionally." Jim frowned. "But if you found yourself more attracted to me than you expected, why would that make you less interested in bonding with me?" "Perhaps you will be displeased when I tell you." "Tell me what?" How loud would the alarms in his brain have to be to drown out Spock's voice. "Once I recognized the depth of my feelings, I found myself reluctant to share you with anyone else. I had accepted your need for variety. Once I was your bondmate, I would have the part of you that I required. "I did not doubt that we would enjoy a satisfying sexual union, but I also expected that you would occasionally take other lovers. When I discovered that I was passionately attached to you, I doubted my ability to permit you to do this." Jim felt anger welling up - it was better than the confusion that had filled him moments ago. "You assumed that I'd be unfaithful to you? Maybe it's illogical for me to be angry with you for assuming that I was going to be unfaithful - after all, your assumption proved correct. But I really don't understand why - " "Lasha, I had to know how I would react when you proved unfaithful." Spock gripped Jim's hand. Jim's stomach took a nosedive. "Are you saying that you've discovered that you don't care if I'm unfaithful? I know that jealousy is illogical and a waste of time, but I still have some romantic ideas about what we owe each other." Spock lifted an eyebrow. "Is that how you would prefer it? I confess, I do not wish to share your body with others." Spock's grip on Jim's hand tightened. "I accept your vow of fidelity." --- This felt wrong. It happened too fast. Damn that Vulcan. And damn himself for letting his hormones threaten to carry him away - first with the Dohlman and now with Spock. Jim turned away and started to pace. Spock watched silently, his eyes revealing nothing. Returning to stand in front of Spock, he said, "Tell me again about what you did with my memories of Rayna." Spock put his hands behind his back. "I am very familiar with your mind. It was an easy matter to remove the memories of your impossible *love* for the android. In addition, I sensed that you already had feelings for me. It was not difficult to 'help' them to surface." Jim discovered that he was having a hard time breathing. "Let me be sure that I understand. You deliberately made me fall in love with you? "I believe that is what I said. Why do you now ask? Have you considered the inefficiency of asking me a question to which you already know that answer?" Jim wiped the back of his hand across his forehead. "Spock, do you love me?" He'd never asked anyone this question before - he'd promised himself that he would never ask. But suddenly he was so uncertain. He needed more information. Something that would tell him what to do. He had a vague memory of his mother waiting anxiously for a Valentine's Day present from his father. When it had arrived, she had decided that it was reason enough to hold onto a marriage that had grown increasingly cold. Spock gazed steadily at Jim. "You are my closest friend, and our minds are very attuned. I believe that we could have a very successful - " "But are you in love with me?" Spock swallowed. "I would do anything to protect you. To please you." He looked down at the floor. "But, love? A Vulcan does not..." It was only leaning over the desk that kept Jim from falling this time. He closed his eyes and took several deep breaths. And then he stood up again even straighter. "I'm very flattered that you want me as your bondmate, Spock, but this feels wrong to me." "Does it, Jim? Does it really?" Spock's eyes met his lover's. Was Jim in danger of drowning in those dark pools? "Don't you think so?" The vertigo was increasing. Spock frowned. "I was wrong to induce the emotion in you. However, we have both found pleasure." He looked away. "You have been a friend to me, and I have been your friend. Why would you reject me now?" Jim couldn't help himself; Spock looked so miserable. In spite of the glowing embers of bewilderment and anger in his mind, he wanted to make Spock feel better. He put out his hand to touch him. "Listen, Spock, maybe we can get past this." Spock stepped away, avoiding the touch. "Perhaps not, Jim. Perhaps, I was wrong. After my last pon farr, when I used you, and you ran away afterwards, I should have known that it was not what you wanted." "I don't understand. You used me?" Jim remembered the combat on Vulcan. Remembered waking up from being 'dead.' Remembered Spock's smile in Sickbay. That was all. Spock nodded slowly. "I had need of you. You gave yourself to me out of friendship. To save my life. When you drew away, I erased that memory as well, but I decided that it was best that you wanted me. You have experienced pleasure with me, have you not?" Jim began to rub his hand across his jaw, but stopped when he discovered that the hand was shaking. He stilled it by grabbing it with his other hand. He took a slow breath and thought of more questions to ask Spock - he knew that he was stalling, waiting until he could think more clearly. "If you 'used me' during your pon farr like you said, didn't you penetrate me?" "Naturally." "You told me that penetration could lead to spontaneous bonding. If you penetrated me, why aren't we bonded?" Spock raised an eyebrow. "When I told you that penetration could lead to bonding, it was what you would characterize as a romantic lie. I found that I enjoyed the other methods by which we have joined our bodies. Perhaps my human half is strong enough to enjoy what you have described as the sweetness of anticipation." He appeared to come to some kind of a decision. Maybe he sensed that Jim was wavering, couldn't make up his mind. He replaced his hands on Jim's temples. "I am now ready for the rest. Submit yourself to me. I will have your mind, and I will penetrate your body. It is what we both want." Jim felt a sudden rush of fear. He did not know this man whose hands seemed to be crushing his skull. For a wild moment, he wondered if this was the Spock from that mirror universe. But even that one had looked at him with more tenderness than this man now did. He recognized the feral look from when he had fought Spock on the red sands of Vulcan. Keeping his voice carefully level, he said, "I think I see now, but I don't know how I feel about this." Anger produced adrenaline that gave him the strength to act. He brought both hands up in a karate chop that broke the Vulcan's grip on his skull. He backed away and leaned against the wall. When Spock turned away, Jim knew that he should get out of there fast, but his legs felt suddenly weak. He was also, inexplicably, concerned about Spock. He put out a hand to touch Spock's shoulder. Spock turned and grabbed Jim's bicep, which his tunic left bare; Spock held it in a vice grip, his fingernails biting into the skin. "It is quite apparent that you do know how you feel." Jim almost cried out at the pain, but he would not... He was relieved to see the feral look gone from Spock's eyes; it seemed that he'd done the right thing to break Spock free of his momentary madness. What was either amazing intuition or just plain dumb luck had served Jim one more time. Spock's eyes were now as cold as Jim had ever seen them. "I see now that what I did was wrong. You are far too tempting. What I did is not acceptable behavior for a Vulcan. I have misused my gifts. I have misused our friendship. You cannot permit me to continue to use you in this way." Jim looked down at the hand on his arm. He knew that he would have terrible bruises in the shape of Spock's handprint for days afterwards. But no one would see the bruises that Spock had left on his soul. Jim took a deep breath and slowly let it out. "You're right, of course." Spock stepped away and gripped his hands behind his back. "Jim, I do not have the right to ask this." He swallowed again. "I ask your forgiveness." Forgive him? How could Jim forgive what Spock had just tried to do? What he had already done. Jim thought of all those nights that he'd spent in Spock's arms, Spock's kisses, Spock's tender touch. The countless times that Jim had told Spock that he loved him. And now he knew that Spock had used some kind of mental trick to obtain that love. He understood the expression 'to see red.' He rubbed at his eyes, trying to clear away that haze. The only sound was Spock's soft breathing and Jim's own harsher breaths, breaths that sounded as though he was in the middle of running a marathon. And then Jim realized that forgiving Spock was as natural as breathing. He remembered that he needed Spock. Not the way Spock seemed to need him, but Spock *was* necessary to Jim. Where had his anger gone? Had Spock used some kind of Vulcan discipline to defuse it? Jim shook his head. Now he was getting paranoid. He was too tired to feel much of anything right now. "As for forgiving you...Spock, we need to talk...I don't know if we can forget that all of this happened. We can't continue as lovers. Not now. And, no, I won't be your bondmate. I just can't. But I need you as my first officer. And ... perhaps as my friend." "Anything you ask is yours." Spock looked so calm - it was as though they had been discussing fuel efficiency reports. He remembered hearing those words from Spock on another occasion, but he couldn't quite remember when that was. He took a deep breath and tried to read Spock's eyes, but, for just about the first time since they had been friends, he utterly failed. "If you have need of me again...well..." Spock nodded. "There is a different bond. A warrior bond, rather than a lover's bond. Perhaps - " Jim knew he had to get out of there immediately. If Spock really didn't love him - But why was he still talking about a bond? What did Spock want? "Let's talk about it later." Jim thought that he was standing up straight, making a dignified exit, but in fact, he stumbled almost blindly to the door. A cool voice stopped him. "Perhaps, a game of chess later, Jim?" He didn't turn around. He rubbed the back of his hand against the odd prickling sensation in his eyes. "Yes, of course, Mr. Spock. We'll play a game." A small sound of satisfaction. "It is too long since we have played." Jim escaped out the door. --- After the door closed, Spock let out the breath that he had not been aware that he'd been holding. He remembered the day that Jim's blood had been poured out on the red sands of Vulcan. That day he had finally understood his passion for the human. When he knew that Jim lived, Spock had vowed to have him as his own. The events of this night had been...unfortunate. A setback that left Spock disappointed and aching for his lover. He had been sorely tempted to take the human by force. They had played such games during their months as lovers. How would Jim have reacted if the game had been played out for real stakes: total possession of Jim's mind and body? The risk was too great. Spock closed his eyes, knowing he was a fool, but not knowing whether he was a fool for not taking Jim by force - or for believing that some day he would possess Jim freely and completely. Spock clenched his fists. He thought of Jim's smile and his laugh. He thought of Jim's hands and mouth on his body. He remembered Jim's question: Do you love me? It astonished him that the human would be susceptible to mere words, but... Yes, he would have it all soon. It had been necessary to allow Jim to walk away for now - before he lost control completely - Spock had no desire to witness that loss of control. However, he had extracted a promise that they would meet for a chess game. In this way, their friendship would be rebuilt. And the *dance* of seduction would begin again. He had learned much from Jim during the last three months, and he would use it all as the dance between them continued. This dance - traditional among ancient Vulcan bondmates - was nearly as pleasurable as the Terran dance that he had enjoyed in bed with Jim. --- He woke up with Spock's voice in his ear. "Bridge to captain." He was completely disoriented. He had no idea how long he'd been sleeping or what time it was. The aftereffects of drink or one of McCoy's noxious potions? Or just the fact that he hadn't slept nearly enough? "Captain, this is Spock. Come in please." He keyed the audio only. "Kirk here." "Respectfully request your presence on the bridge, Captain. We have a situation that requires your attention." Spock's voice was cool and professional. Of course, it was. Spock was calling from the bridge. Jim wanted to ask him - but he couldn't remember what he wanted to ask. He just knew that he couldn't afford to sound disoriented over an open comm circuit. Not even when he was talking to his closest friend. "On my way, Mr. Spock." --- The End