The BLTS Archive- I Could Have Lost You by Isabelle S (Synbou@hotmail.com) --- Thanks to Leone for going through the pain of proofing this story. The lyrics Tom sang was part of a song called: "Lily". It's a song interpreted very nicely by a group named "The Fables". Feedback is always appreciated. Copyrights @ October 2001 --- It was the middle of the afternoon. Chakotay had taken refuge in his office. There, no one could see the bitter tears rolling down his cheeks as listened to one of Tom"s favorite songs. In truth, only his lover was allowed to see his tears. However at this time, Tom did not want them. Tom did not even want to see HIM. The younger man had woken up from a troubled sleep earlier that day. It had been four days since the incident in the conference room. Tom's condition had not improved. In fact, it had barely stabilized itself. The only things the Doctor could provide were some pain relief and minor neural fiber regeneration. The EMH had described his effort as a tug of war between him and the disease with Tom being the rope. "What are you still doing here," he had greeted Chakotay with a rasped voice. Surprised by the harsh comment, Chakotay had replied that he wanted to be with him. "Taking pleasure in seeing me like this, Commander?" "Angel?!" he had objected with hurt feelings. "Of course not. I thought that I could be of some assistance once you woke up." "You are not helping. It is too late for that," Tom said with a bit of resentment. "I have all of what I need." "How about a friend?" Chakotay had asked with a soothing voice. "How about some love?" he added with a gentle smile. "You have a strange way to love, Chakotay. You do when the people around you still fit your standards. If they don't, they become lower than your worst enemy. We both know that I will never fit your standards. So, tell me the truth Chakotay, do you only care for me when you"re driven by guilt?" "You are being unfair, Tom. I never stopped loving you even when it seemed that you had betrayed us." "Which I didn't," Tom pointed out defiantly. "Which you didn't," Chakotay granted. "I guess you are right. I do feel guilty for not having faith in you." Tom held his gaze as if to further prove his point. Then he looked away as he said, "I don't want to see it and I sure as hell don't want to see your pity." "And all I want to help you get better again," Chakotay said challengingly. "That is mighty nice of you, Chakotay. But, you won't be able to do that by wasting your time in here. Keep on with your life, Commander. That's the best way you can help me." Chakotay did not agree with Tom. He knew he could help. He had done it before. Sadly he had also made things worse. More tears wet his dark face as he listened more closely to the lyrics of *Lily*. Tom had substituted the title *Kotay* when he had lovingly sang parts of song to him in Sickbay a couple of days earlier. I crossed the Wildest ocean And I reached the other side It's help from above And thoughts of your love That keep my soul alive I swam the highest river And I fought the strongest tides To prove my love true And pledged it to you You're the reason I survived --- It had been more than two months since Chakotay and Tom had entered into their relationship, if one could call it that. The Native American had been away on different missions most of the time. When he was home, his time with Tom was not always smooth sailing, as the saying went. They were both stubborn men. Chakotay wanted nothing more than to be with his new lover. Tom wanted to be independent once again. He was constantly pushing people away in the process. Chakotay could not help but wonder if the younger man took their relationship seriously. Soon, Tom would achieve his goal and he would most likely go spread his wings elsewhere. Chakotay cursed the heavy rain falling on the small outpost, as he quickly made his way through the deserted streets of Kara Prime in search of a restaurant. It was past lunch time and Chakotay had not eaten since early that morning. He had just finished a run for the Maquis, Shan Se being his last stop before going back to Dorvan IV. He entered the local establishment. He was about to make his way to a table when a familiar silhouette at the bar caught his eye. He almost gasped in surprised. "Angel?" he asked coming closer. "What are you doing *here*?" Tom looked up from his plate. His momentary surprise was replaced by a welcoming smile. "Hi to you too, Chakotay," he greeted, inviting the older man to sit in the chair next to him. "Hi." Chakotay took off his wet jacket, then sat. "So what are you doing here?" "Hiding from the rain," Tom replied. A Bajoran woman, tending the bar, came to take his order. She was a small brunette in her forties. "I'll have whatever my friend had," he told her, not caring for food anymore. "Shouldn't you be home?" Tom's smile faded away. "*Shouldn't I*?" Tom replied visibly insulted. "I don't remember having to report to you. I'm free to go wherever I want to." "Of course you can," Chakotay said, thinking that he had better be careful what he said next. Obviously, this as another issue related to Tom's quest for independence. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way. I'm just surprised to see you here. I know that you've been doing a lot better. I just didn't realized how much. Believe me Angel, it's wonderful to see you this well." Tom sighed. "I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have reacted this way. I've been cranky ever since I got here. "Let me guess. Because of the weather?" Tom grinned. "Yeah. I missed you, Chak." "I missed you too, Angel," he said, putting a comforting hand on Tom's arm. "Things sure change in two weeks. I've been away to long. Since when do you travel off Dorvan IV?" "Since a couple of weeks ago," Tom answered, taking a sip of his coffee. "A couple of *weeks*?" Chakotay echoed, not believing what he was hearing. "You were already doing this the last time I was home? Why didn't you tell me?" "I told you that I was doing little trips," Tom defended himself. "You didn't mention that you were going off world." "What's the difference?" Tom challenged, incredulously. He sighed again. "The truth is that I need money so I found job as a pilot aboard a fetter. Happy?" "Angel, you don't need any money. I can take care of that." "See, I knew you would say that. That's why I kept my mouth shut. How do you expect me to repay Sandrine and your uncle, huh? I'll let you know that I always pay my debts, Chakotay." "Both Sandrine and my uncle know that it will take time. It's too early for you to go back to work. What if something happen to you?" Chakotay advocated. "It's a risk we all have to take," Tom pointed out. "Oh, that's right. You are a big boy and you can take care of yourself. Do you think about those who care about you?" "With the kind of work you're doing, Chakotay, you are not in any position to talk." The bartender placed a plate in front of Chakotay. She looked at them suspiciously. "Is everything here all right?" "Yes, Ma'am," Tom answered. "I'd like to pay the bill." "All right," she said. She retrieved a small padd. Tom passed his credit card over it, which took care of the transaction. Tom emptied his coffee cup, then slowly got to his feet. He put his coat on and took a hold of his cane. "Wait," Chakotay said. "You can come back to Dorvan IV with me on the Liberty." "No, thanks. I've got to go to work. Enjoy your meal." Chakotay cursed himself as Tom exited the restaurant and walked into the rain. Facing this weather was the last thing that Tom needed. As he asked for the check, Chakotay debated if it was a good idea to go after Tom. Probably not. However, the only thing he could think about was that he loved Tom and that he had to salvage this situation. He ran through the street toward the air terminal. It did not take him long before he found Tom again. The younger man was walking with a lot more ease than he did when Chakotay had first met him. Still, that was not very fast. "Tom, wait!" he called coming behind him. Tom turned around. He was visibly angry. "What do you want?" "To apologize, again," Chakotay said as he faced his lover. "Angel, I love you. I really do. I don't know why we fight all the time. What I know is that I don't want to see you in pain. And, that I don't want to lose you." "I love you too, Chakotay," Tom assured him. "But I haven't come this far to depend on anyone. Do you understand that?" "I understand. But *you* need to understand that depending on someone is not a sign of weakness. I depend on you too. You're the strongest person I know. I draw strength everyday from your willpower and your courage. Your love is the only thing that really makes sense in my life. You're the reason I'm coming home. Tom, don't shut me out. I need you. You depend on me. I depend on you. It's called inter-dependence." "I know what it's called," Tom stated. "It's what people who love each other do everyday," Chakotay told him. "Can I depend on you?" "Of course, you can," Tom said. They melted into a loving embrace and kissed. "Let's get out of this rain," Chakotay suggested after a moment. "Good idea." By the time they arrived to the air terminal, they were soaked. Chakotay convinced Tom to come with him to the Liberty, long enough for the pilot to change into dry clothes. They made it back to Dorvan IV. They shared a candle lit dinner in a private corner of the family restaurant and enjoyed the rest of the evening cuddled by the fireplace. They went to bed some time after 11 P.M. Chakotay cherished every second in his lover's company. Finally they had been able to open up to each other without getting into an argument. It was like a dream come true. It lasted until he woke up in the wee hours of the morning and found Tom burning up with fever. He had developed a serious pneumonia which was turning his immune system against him. It was the most insidious characteristic of his muscular sclerosis. When Chakotay had admitted to Tom that he was afraid that the younger man would get bored with their simple life on Dorvan IV and eventually leave, he had never thought that he could lose Tom to his illness, at least not so soon. As hours passed, Tom's condition got progressively worse. The hours became days. Long days during which Chakotay stood vigil at Tom's side. He was comforting his lover as best he could when pain was flaring through his body. Chakotay did whatever he could to help care for Tom's needs. He also passed a lot of time talking and reading to him. By the end of a week, Tom started to show some improvement. He was still very weak. He could not walk, but he could now sit without support. He was more alert, thinking a lot more clearly. His attention span was a bit longer and he could talk with more coherence and ease. Chakotay knocked on Tom's door and pushed it further open. He found his aunt helping Tom putting an extra sweater on. She looked up to him and asked. "Ready?" "We are," Chakotay replied with a smile. "Good, so are we," she said. "You still haven't told me what's going on?" Tom asked, aware of that the household had been full of activity since the morning. "That's because it's a surprise," Chakotay answered as he came by Tom's side. "What kind of surprise?" he asked with a childish grin. "You'll see," Chakotay told him. "Ready?" "I'm always ready for a surprise," Tom said, putting his arms around Chakotay's neck. The older man extended one arm underneath Tom's legs and lifted him almost effortlessly. They carefully made their way down the stairs. Then Chakotay helped Tom into his wheelchair. They took the hallway to their right and went to the back room, which was used as an office. "Close your eyes, Angel," Wyome told Tom, before they entered the room. Tom did as he was instructed and only opened his eyes again once he was told to. Akando, Tala, B'Elanna, and Ayala were waiting for them. Tom's mouth fell open as he looked around the room in amazement. The office had been transformed into a bedroom. "Welcome to your new room," Chakotay said happily. Tom looked up at him. "You shouldn't have gone to all that trouble." "Nonsense," said Akando. "We should have done this the first week you got here." "Father is right," added Tala. "At least now you'll be able to go back and forth as you please." "No more stairs to climb," Chakotay pointed out with a smile. "Amen to that," Tom said with a grin of his own. He sniffed, his emotions obviously being near to the surface. "Thank you." "You're welcome, Angel," Chakotay assured him. "Now, if you all follow me," invited Wyome. "There is a feast awaiting us in the kitchen." The little group cheered as they went back to the dinning room. "It's wonderful to have you back among us," Chakotay told Tom lovingly. "It's good to be back," Tom stated. --- Back in his office, on Voyager, Chakotay felt Tom's absence weigh heavily on his soul. He could not blame Tom for being angry at him. It was all his fault. When Tom got well enough to work again, Chakotay had included him in his Maquis Cell. Three weeks later, Tom had been caught and eventually sent to prison. If only he had let Tom do what he had done before: small and legitimate cargo runs. As if putting Tom's life in danger had not been bad enough, it still was not the worst thing he had done. The way he had treated Tom until now was the most cruel thing he could think of. It should have been so obvious that Tom would have done anything in his power, so little it could be, to make sure he was safe and sound. He, however, had let his anger, his fear, his guilt blind his judgement once again. "It's always about you, isn't it?" he asked himself aloud. I crossed the Wildest ocean And I reached the other side It's help from above And thoughts of your love That keep my soul alive Tom knew what it was to fight for life and he had been ready to fight for Chakotay's. It was time the older man realized how lucky he was. It was time for him to fight for the man he loved. For Tom. --- The End