The BLTS Archive- Active Imagination
by Invicta (invicta11@yahoo.com)

---

Copyright (c) Invicta, July 1998.

TIMING: This story is set late in the 3rd season of DS9.

FEEDBACK: Constructive feedback is always welcomed, but please no
flames.

DISCLAIMER: Star Trek, the station Deep Space 9 and all of it's
characters are owned by Paramount Pictures. All rights are reserved,
and no infringement is meant.

ARCHIVING: Anyone who wants to do so is welcome to archive this
story, but please include the full header and disclaimer etc.

---

I walk steadily through the corridors on the way back to my quarters
at the end of another working day. Although I try to suppress the
thought, it comes as always - how very horrible these corridors are!
As a Cardassian I should like the design of this station, after all it
was designed for my own people, and in truth I do find much of it
pleasing to the eye. Especially the exterior; there are few things in
this wretched corner of the galaxy that can compare to the sight of
DS9 as seen from an approaching shuttle. The elegant lines, the
beautiful curves - it's Cardassian architecture at it's finest.
But I hate the corridors all the same. So damned long, so dark, no
windows, and every one looks the same as every other. They give me a
feeling of claustrophobia even though I'm not shut in a small space.
It's just my imagination of course - but knowing that doesn't make the
feeling go away.

Still, it's almost always the case that the walk home from the shop
in the evening is much easier than the walk to the shop in the
morning. And there's a very good reason for that. In the morning I'm
depressed by the necessity to spend another nine hours hemming
dresses, altering pants and making up suits. In the evening however
I'm freed from tailoring for a while, and I also have the opportunity
to indulge other more... diverting pursuits.

People occasionally ask me out of curiosity what I do during my
leisure time. I say that a good meal and an interesting book generally
keep me occupied for the evening. And that is the truth, but not the
whole truth. It's what I do before eating and reading that really
absorbs my attention.

Ah - I'm back home. Do please come in and make yourself comfortable.
It's sad to apply the word home to these dismal quarters, but
technically it is an accurate description. Home is where you live, not
necessarily where you want to live. Time to take a shower.

On most days I shower twice, once in the morning and once in the
evening. The morning shower is a functional and relatively quick
affair. I do the job of cleaning myself and then get out. But the
evening shower is something else entirely. At day's end it is my
winding down, my relaxing, my soothing - and my excitement. It's at
this one time of day that I really allow myself to think about him.
The man that I love. Julian Bashir.

There, I've said his name. I hope you'll understand the need to keep
this as our little secret. Nobody else knows how I feel about him, not
even the object of my affections himself, and for the moment at least
it's important to keep it that way.

Possibly you're wondering why this is so. Why I haven't felt able to
reveal my feelings to him before now. After all he is unmarried, and
currently he isn't even seriously dating anyone. But it's a long
story, which can be saved until later if you'll permit. Right now I'm
impatient to have my shower.

You'll understand why in a moment.

I remove my clothes and neatly place them on a chair, then I enter the
bathroom and start up the shower. As always the water temperature is
set at a pleasantly warm 115 degrees. Of course I'd have to turn the
heat down if I ever took a shower with... someone. But that's not
likely to happen very soon.

As the water rushes down my back and pounds every scale in my body, I
can feel myself unwinding. It's almost as if I can literally wash my
problems and concerns away with the water as it passes over me. I feel
warmer, lighter, more_me_somehow. Showers never had this effect on me
before. It's quite amazing what falling in love can do to you. You
suddenly find yourself in possession of new insights, fresh
perspectives and most significantly of all, new priorities. Of course,
this doesn't necessarily make you a better or happier person, but you
are different. You know it deep inside. Truly, Julian Bashir has
messed with my mind in a way that Tain and the Order for all their
cleverness never managed to do. And I love him for it, most of the
time at least.

Once I am totally warm and wet, then I'm able to move onto the best
part of the shower - the part where Julian comes in to joins me. An
imaginary Julian of course, but still he's real enough to me. Now, you
can stay if you want to but be warned that I do have some_ very_
graphic fantasies. You might find them shocking. Perhaps it would be
best if you waited for me outside?

Well, have it your own way. In a way it's a relief to confide in
someone about my needs, and I'm sure that you can be trusted to be
discreet.

Julian comes into the bathroom now. He's wearing only a small
midnight blue towel around his waist. He smiles at me, oh such a sweet
smile! I want to look at that smile forever. He tells me how much he
loves me, and shyly asks if we can shower together. My answering smile
and a hand reaching out towards him are enough to signify my consent.
Julian looks so admiringly atmy body and says to me yet again, how
truly lovely, how very beautiful you are. I laugh modestly at this but
he insists, yes you are beautiful Garak - at least to me. How I love
to hear him say that. Almost every night fantasy includes those words;
I suppose that must be because they satisfy a need of some kind
within me.

I move over to the side of the shower so that he has room to join me,
and as he comes close I cannot resist reaching out to touch his silky
skin. I love him for his mind and personality and heart and soul, but
his body is also a thing of wonder to be cherished... and enjoyed. My
eyes meet his as he smiles at me lovingly. I admire the perfection of
his face, his lovely brown hair. All the time I'm getting harder, and
the heat in my groin is really starting to build up. My gaze moves
downward to Julian's slim neck and exquisitely rounded shoulders. Then
on to his chest, his nipples, his torso. And the gorgeous cock, erect
now as mine is, as he waits so desperately to fuck me. It's hard to
look away from the tempting sight of his pulsing shaft, but eventually
I manage to move my eyes down to admire his shapely legs and feet.
In everything he is perfection - and I want him so much it almost
rips me apart.

By this time I'm almost completely immersed in the fantasy world that
my mind has created. Although I'm alone in the bathroom, my
imagination is so strong that I'm easily able to visualise Julian any
way I want to in my mind's eye. That of course is what made me such a
good interrogator in the old days of the Obsidian Order. The ability
to imagine exactly what my subjects would find the most frightening,
plus the skill to convincingly suggest that their worst fear would
become reality unless they cooperated. But it's not productive to
think about the Order at the moment - what matters is my fantasy.

I give my imaginary lover a set role each night according to
my mood. Sometimes I want him to dominate, be rough with me. Often I
enjoy being the dominant one with him and making him suffer just a
little. And occasionally, as it is tonight, I just want him to be my
caring and affectionate lover, without any games or agendas to
complicate matters. Unlike in real life I am in control of him here,
and the fantasy Julian always does exactly as I want him to.

Julian comes forward now and starts stroking my neckridges, the
premier erogenous zones for male Cardassians as he knows full well.
Of course in reality it's my own hands that are doing the stroking;
as you'll understand, there has to be a physical touch to make the
fantasy come alive. But I feel only Julian's hands as I reach out to
kiss him. Our mouths meet firmly, and I thrust my tongue inside to
press against his own. Our kisses are the purest passion, causing me
to moan with delight. Julian resumes his physical exploration of my
body, and now he's grasping my buttocks and fondling them firmly.

Oh yes Julian, yes please! You do that so well my love, so very well.

I am on fire now, the water from the shower seems to hiss and turn to
steam as it touches me. All of my attention is concentrated on Julian
as he works me over. I don't think I would notice if the station came
under attack by a 200 ship Dominion fleet, he mesmerises me so.

The pressure is overwhelming and my cock throbs endlessly. I must have
completion now, if not I will surely pass out or something. I whisper
to Julian, please come inside of me my darling. He grins at me, and
nods eagerly. As he moves behind me, preparing to enter, I take hold
of the vibrator that sits on the shelf. Even as I thrust it inside of
myself, building up a rhythm, my mind is sure that it's Julian who's
taking me, Julian who's fucking me so pleasurably right now. He feels
so good, as his sex stretches and fills me completely.

Oh yes my love, do me right now, just the way you know I like it. YES,
YES, JUST LIKE THAT!

Unable to hold back I come, as Julian leans forward to pump my cock
firmly. The light pink seed bursts from my body explosively, and is
instantly washed away with the water. I shudder with pleasure, feeling
waves of pleasure so strong and powerful that they carry me away. For
a moment I seem to have risen out of the bathroom altogether. I leave
my body behind and float away into deep fluffy clouds hanging in a
warm blue sky. Julian is with me, right by my side, a fellow spirit.
He pulls me higher, closer to the sun as the light and warmth
cascades all around us. I feel such acceptance, such joy and
belonging, such love for him. I am so happy.

And then, without any warning, it is over. I am back in the bathroom
again and Julian is gone. He has returned to the back of my mind, the
edge of my thoughts, where I can hopefully keep him contained until
shower time tomorrow evening. And, as occasionally happens when my
fantasy ends so suddenly, I happen to look in the mirror and see the
true me. A middle aged and lonely Cardassian with a vibrator still
jammed up his ass, trying to believe that the young and beautiful
Julian Bashir wants him.

Deceiving himself?

Possibly.

I smile tightly at my reflection, tasting the bitterly ironic humour
of it all. It's not a very pretty picture that looks back at me from
the mirror, but I am who I am and it's no use my trying to change
that. Feeling somehow flat and heavy, a sharp contrast to the
lightness I experienced a few minutes before, I remove the vibrator
and put it down.

I clean myself up and turn the shower off. The act of dressing acts
as a reminder of who and what I am. Donning my usual clothing assists
me to leave my imaginary world behind and resume normal life as Elim
Garak, Cardassian tailor and spy. Sorry, I meant to say former spy -
my mistake. Indeed, the undressing before the shower has the opposite
effect, helping me to move from reality to fantasy in a very short
space of time.

Now, if you closed your eyes in horror at my somewhat inhibited
performance in the shower, feel free to open them again now. It's
time for evening meal. After putting out the dinner utensils, I
replicate a maq'ri fish stew and some kanar. Sitting down at the
dining table, I wonder (not for the first time) what the real Dr.
Bashir's reaction would be if he knew about my daily bathroom pleasure
sessions. Perhaps he would be angry, or shocked, or disgusted, or feel
violated in some way. He could be just embarrassed, or even amused,
although I consider that particular emotion to be highly unlikely in
him. Actually his most probable reaction is also the one which I
would least want to see - he would probably just feel sorry for me.
If he showed me his compassionate and pitying face at hearing the
news, I just think I'd scream! And you know, it's all his fault anyway
that I do this. Before the Federation arrived on DS9 I was a regular
visitor to the holodeck, where my physical needs were quite satisfied
by some of the more erotic programmes that Quark has to offer.

But once I saw Julian Bashir... well, to be quite honest it was love
at first sight. You know, I always thought that was impossible. How
can you just fall in love right away when you don't even know the
person? But it happened to me - just one of life's little jokes I
suppose. And from then on going to the holodecks felt like being
unfaithful, even though we were only friends, so I stopped going. But
Cardassian males are very highly sexed and the drives within me have
to be given some release, which is why I started to pleasure myself.

I've done it in all sorts of places you know. In bed naturally, and
also on the table, in a runabout (long story), in a maintenance
conduit (even longer story), behind Quark's bar (you really don't want
to know), and so on. The challenge of arranging to masturbate secretly
in areas where I could possibly be discovered appealed to my
competitive nature. But after a time I developed the shower routine
and it's proved an indispensable way to help me get through the
tedious days - and long nights.

Earlier on I promised to explain why I haven't previously confessed
how I feel to my dear Dr. Bashir. Well, it's really quite simple. I
didn't think that he would welcome my advances. I mean, who would? Be
truthful with me now, because you should be aware that I can usually
tell when someone is lying. My skills at the arts of fabrication and
deceit are well known, but I am brutally honest with myself and see my
own weaknesses all too clearly.

A relationship with a young, innocent and gullible Starfleet officer -
impossible! So at first I forced myself to try and get to know him
just as a friend rather than making any advances. However, the more I
got to know him, the deeper my feelings became. Some months after he
arrived on DS9 I was trying to come to terms with my emotions. What
disturbed me the most was that, despite my extremely well developed
powers of perception, I was unable to determine if he felt any desire
for me. Perhaps then he did feel an attraction to me but concerns
about the concept of a liaison between us were holding him back from
propositioning me? Quite a feasible scenario you'll agree, in view of
the mystery that surrounds me and my past. I therefore decided it
would be useful to compile a list of reasons why Dr. Bashir might
not feel it appropriate to mate with me. I knew that there would be a
few things to include on it, but the sheer number of items which I
came up with had a morbidly depressing effect on me. For your sake
I'll record them once again:

a) I am Cardassian. Although he himself has no racial prejudice
against my kind that I can detect, Cardassians are not exactly popular
around here.

b) I am a former spy and interrogator. Those are not occupations that
generally inspire love and trust in a potential mate.

c) I lie regularly to him.

d) I keep secrets regularly from him.

e) Once involved with me, any enemies of mine would become his enemies
also.

f) To date he has only dated beautiful women, and has never indicated
in any way that he could be attracted to males.

g) I am 17 years older than him.

h) Starting a relationship with me would displease most of his friends
and perhaps put those friendships at risk. Dr. Bashir has an
inordinately large need to be liked. Without any friends he would be
emotionally insecure to say the least.

I) Starfleet wouldn't be happy about us being together. He might lose
his security clearance, although I think they would stop short of
dismissal or reassignment.

j) Humans look so very different to Cardassian in many important
physical aspects. I can see no reason therefore why he would find
me pleasurable to look at.

k) I have no family living with good connections to become his family
and protect him if we were ever married, nor am I wealthy.

And so on, and so on. To sum up, after I had compiled a very lengthy
list it seemed chillingly clear to me that I would probably be more of
a liability than an asset to him. And so I hid away my feelings under
a cloak of joviality and settled for gaining and keeping his
friendship.

But it's strange that you should come by and visit at this time,
because I have recently been wondering if this matter should be
reappraised. In fact I dug out the list and sat down with it again
just last night. You see, it occurred to me that perhaps I should
explore the other side of the argument. All I had originally
concentrated on were the negative aspects of myself, but I do have a
number of very positive things to offer. Some people may not think
that's true, but I know differently. And so, yesterday evening after
dinner I revised the list. It now reads as follows;

a) I am Cardassian, and we are not exactly popular around here.
However, I now regularly sell clothing to Bajorans, which was not the
case when the occupation had recently ended. I think that people here
have come to accept me.

b) I am a former spy and interrogator. Those are still not occupations
that generally inspire love and trust in a potential mate, but he is a
forgiving and understanding man.

c) I lie regularly to him - and would continue to do so! He would
enjoy the challenge of trying to detect my falsehoods.

d) I keep secrets regularly from him - as for lying, there would
be no need to stop this.

e) Once involved with me, enemies of mine would become his enemies
also - but now, so many are dead that it's unlikely to be a big
problem.

g) I am 17 years older than him. So what?

h) Starting a relationship with me might still put some of his
friendships at risk, but he is more popular now, plus many of his
friends have some respect for me these days.

i) Starfleet still wouldn't be happy about us, but I think that we
could deal with that.

j) Humans look so very different to Cardassian in many important
physical aspects. However, as they themselves are fond of saying,
opposites attract.

k) I have no family living with good connections to become his family
and protect him if we were ever married, nor am I wealthy. Of
course at the time of writing this was in fact a lie; Tain was still
around. I have to smile at my own carefulness in not referring to this
fact, even on a document that nobody else was ever going to see.
Still, it's all true enough now. However, these things don't matter to
Dr. Bashir as they would to another Cardassian. As a human he has
different values and expectations.

Last might I was too disturbed by the implications of the amended more
positive list to think about it overmuch. Only now am I able to bring
myself to address the matter. My first thought is that there was a
fundamental flaw in the methodology which I used several years ago to
decide not to court Dr. Bashir. The items on the list were problems
yes, but many of them could have been overcome. I had, and still have,
both the skill and the determination to deal with any obstacles placed
in our way. But perhaps it was easier, less traumatic, to let a few
difficulties and uncertainties stand as an excuse for not taking the
risk of pursuing him. I was afraid to lose even the small part
of his time that I could reasonably lay claim to, so I did nothing.
But now, I see clearly that what it all comes down to in the end is
the needs of the heart.

I need a soulmate who can take away this aching loneliness and love me
unconditionally despite my many faults. What Julian needs is someone
who will love every part of him in return, even the more irritating of
his character traits. Someone who will care for him deeply, and give
him 100% affection and support at all times. And someone who knows how
to please him in bed, of course. Am I lacking in any of those areas?
I really don't think so.

Well, I've been so absorbed in our somewhat one sided conversation
that there's been no chance to eat.  The maq'ri fish stew has gone
quite cold. And I can tell that you're curious about what I'm going to
do next. I don't blame you for that - after all, my life is the most
interesting one that I know. So, as a reward for your most flattering
attention whilst my story has been told, I will tell you how it will
be.

Early tomorrow morning I will have breakfast at Quark's and linger
over it until I see him coming across the promenade on his way to the
infirmary. At just the right time I'll saunter out of Quark's and
casually start walking towards him. Our paths will cross, leading to
some casual small talk, after which I will ask him to take dinner
with me in my quarters at some convenient date. Perhaps I could tell
him it's my birthday soon? At any rate he is unlikely to be
suspicious.
If he agrees to come, then I will tell him everything over a
post-dinner drink. You and I both know that I have seen and done many
bad things over the years. I don't deserve his love, but if there is
any mercy in the universe then I can gladly hope that he loves me
anyway.

And on that uncharacteristically optimistic note, may I thank you for
stopping by? Allow me to open the door for you. It's been a pleasure
to have your company, and remember now, what you saw today is our
secret.

Please don't betray my confidences - I'd hate to have to kill you.
And do feel free to visit me again in the near future, although you
should call first next time - just in case I have a new lover and we
already have plans for the evening. So, until we meet again...

---

The End