The BLTS Archive- Polite Conversation by JA Chapman ( cjjingram@localnet.com) --- Disclaimer: I hate writing these things. Has anyone really ever been sued because they forgot the disclaimer? If I owned the friggin' characters would I be writing smut now? I don't think so! I'd be a sell out and crying all the way to the bank, but I'm not and I don't own shit so instead I will get my revenge by taking Paramount property and giving them erections which they relieve by poking each other in the ass. As the poet says, living well is the best revenge. To Greywolf, Wildthang, Jonk, and all my TOS friends and family. I figured, what the hell, it'll show 'em I can write something besides G/B every once in a while, right? --- Jim sat on the biobed and tried not to sigh as his CMO and first officer began to snipe at one another. "The two of you are lucky you didn't come back in body bags," Bones grumbled as he patched up the Vulcan's arm, "Couple of damn fools if you ask me." "If I recall correctly, doctor, we did not ask you and 'luck' had nothing to do with our survival," Spock's spine seemed to grow as stiff as his tone, "'Luck' is a human superstition based on false wishes and illogical fears of impending doom. There is no luck, doctor, our training and intelligence kept us alive, not a psychological fixation with fate and predestined happenstance." McCoy glared at the science officer before picking up a pan holding the last of the shrapnel he had extricated from the Vulcan's arm, "See this? Three inches to the left and you'd be dead right now." Spock raised his eyebrow in a patronising expression that never failed to get the older physician's goat, "That would be a logical assumption, yes." "Oh would it?" McCoy widened his eyes in mock surprise, "Well then, you pointy eared robot, I'm sure you'll agree that anything from a ricocheting wall fragment to a strong wind could have affected the trajectory of these metal scraps and then you'd be singing with the angels in Vulcan heaven! *That* is the McCoy definition of 'lucky'." "The point is, doctor, that none of those things occurred making this discussion utterly pointless." Spock jumped off the biobed; "May I be released for duty?" A muscle jumped in McCoy's jaw as he struggled not to let fly with a scathing comeback, "Go--get out of my sick bay. I might as well be talking to a damn wall anyway." Spock tilted his head in inquiry, "Why would anyone talk to a wall?" "Don't say it, Bones," Kirk warned quietly as McCoy opened his mouth then snapped it shut with an audible click. Spock turned and left the room with a nod to both men. "Goddamn pointy eared, green blooded, robot!" McCoy muttered darkly as he pressed a hypo to Kirk's arm with a none too gentle hiss. "There's no use talking to him!" "Ow!" Kirk rubbed his arm, "Watch it, Bones!" "Sorry," McCoy scowled, "it's just that being around that--that--VULCAN puts me in a bad mood for the rest of the day." Jim grinned, "You just don't like the fact that he's the only person aboard this ship besides me who isn't afraid to go toe to toe with you and can't be put off by that mean temper of yours." "Are you saying I have an ego problem?" Bones glared warningly. "Sure am," Jim nodded with a grin. McCoy studied his friend for a moment, "Well... maybe so, but for someone with an IQ in the upper four digits he can be the most thick-headed, stubborn, ill-mannered..." "Aw, Bones! Don't be so hard on yourself!" Kirk tutted mischievously. "Don't you have a ship to run?" Bones snorted, "Get out of here and go find an ensign to chase. I have work to do." "Fine, I'll see you later," Jim said jumping down, "Oh, and do you want a little friendly advice?" "No." "In that case, do you want a not so friendly order?" Jim asked. "Shoot," McCoy muttered as he sorted through his medical equipment on the surgical tray. "I suggest you and Spock try reaching some sort of friendly consensus and soon," Kirk warned, "It's not good for morale to let the junior officers see the senior staff bickering like kids on the playground." "He started it!" McCoy grumped. "I rest my case," Kirk announced as he folded his arms with an amused smile. "So what do you want me to do?" Bones asked, "Talk to him about the latest spore mold? Play 'let's apply Tchevroneski's theorem of applied mechanics to spatial anomalies' with him?" "He likes chess," Kirk shrugged. "I hate chess," McCoy denounced. "What about music?" Kirk suggested. "How many Vulcans do you know listen to bluegrass?" Kirk thought about it for a moment, "Well, you must have something in common! You're both scientists after all." "Yeah, and everyone knows we science types party hard together," McCoy remarked dryly. "Give it up Jim, I'll stick to my side of the ship and he can stick to his." "Not good enough," the captain shook his head, "I want this resolved as soon as possible, meaning today. The two of you better find some kind of common ground and soon because you're both giving me a headache with all of this constant bickering." "Aye, aye Captain!" McCoy said with a snappy salute. "I know one thing the two of you have in common," Kirk said. "And what's that?" Bones asked. "You're both a couple of smart asses." "Gee thanks." "Tonight Bones--" Kirk said with a significant look as he left sick bay. "Sure thing mommie-dearest," Bones snorted. "Hello Spock, I was just in the neighbourhood and I wondered if you'd like to be my little friend. We can write in each other's diary and tell secrets all night long! Right." "Are... are you all right, doctor?" McCoy flushed and cleared his throat in embarrassment as he noticed the nurse standing beside him, "Ahem, yes--I was just... " "Just?" she asked. "Talking to myself," Bones grabbed up his charts and stomped off. "If you need anything else, nurse, I'll be in my office." "What's with him?" one of the junior nurses asked. "Honey, they're all like that!" the head nurse snorted, "Compared to the podiatrist I worked with on Space Dock VI, he's practically a peach!" "Weird." --- McCoy stopped outside of Spock's quarters and stared at the door buzzer for a long moment. "This is utterly ridiculous, I'm tired, it's been a long day---forget it. I'm not going to spend the rest of the night with that thick skulled, cold blooded--" "Good evening, doctor." McCoy turned to see Spock standing directly behind him, "Heh, good evening. Uh--I was just passing by and... " "Would you like to come in?" Spock asked pressing the panel so that the door slid open." "Well ah..yeah, sure." McCoy stepped in and looked around at his companion's living space. "Nice picture," he said as he tried to find something polite to comment on. Spock examined the painting critically for a moment, "It's from Earth mythology. It's called---" "Masque of Love by John Duncan, I know it yeah." Bones looked at the painting closely, "I hope that's a reproduction or else someone at the Louvre is going to be pissed." "Of course it's a reproduction, doctor. The affect of a false gravitational pull on the centuries old canvas would be--" "It was a joke, Spock." McCoy sighed. "A joke?" Spock frowned a bit, "It didn't seem particularly funny." "I was being ironic," Bones rolled his eyes and pointed to the painting. "That doesn't look like something you'd be interested in." Spock examined the picture for a moment, "My mother gave it to me. In addition, I appreciate the artist's sense of aesthetics. What sort of art would you expect me to have in my quarters, doctor?" "I don't know, a schematic of a photon analyser maybe." Bones walked around and picked up a piece of pottery, examining it idly before turning back with a shrug, "You must really like red a lot." Bones glanced at the red chairs and various tapestries, "Looks like the inside of a Hungarian restaurant in here." "The colour of the tapestries has great significance to my people." Spock replied stiffly, "I assume you've come here to do something besides criticise my taste in décor?" "I wasn't trying to insult you, I was just trying to make small talk," Bones shrugged. "Comparing my quarter's to a Hungarian restaurant was small talk?" the Vulcan asked. "I was going to say it reminded me of a New Orleans whorehouse but they're actually fun--" Bones held up his hands defensively as Spock's mouth drew into a grim line, "Sorry-sorry! Look, I'm just a little... hell, I mean to say--" "Yes?" "Listen, Jim asked me to come over here and try to bury the hatchet, all right?" McCoy ran a hand through his dark hair, "All I'm managing though is to screw it all up." "Bury the hatchet?" Spock tilted his head questioningly. "It's a euphemism for making amends," the human answered. "Basically, I want to say... I'm, well, I'm sorry for letting my temper get away from me." Bones sat down in the chair and sighed, "Look Spock, I'm just an old country doctor--I ain't no goddamn diplomat and I'm only halfway housetrained. I tend to, shit, I dunno--push people away because I usually don't have time to mess with stuff like feelings and courtesy. At least that was what my ex-wife told the judge." Spock sat across from him and folded his hands calmly, "You're here to apologise for hurting my 'feelings', then? I assure you, doctor, that it is not necessary." "Why? Because you don't have any feelings to hurt?" Bones asked sarcastically. "No, it's just that I had long ago come to the conclusion that your rough mannerisms were a defence mechanism and in no way directed towards me as a personal attack." "A defence mechanism?" McCoy asked, "What the hell do you mean by that?" "Merely that I have observed over the years that you have a fear of intimacy--not uncommon among males of your species who have a history of failed interpersonal relationships. The bonding between shipmates, which is due to the long hours in a confined space disturbs you because it implies a certain amount of intimacy. In order to avoid this bonding you emotionally separate yourself from others." Spock scratched his chin thoughtfully, "This is also probably why you tend to drink to excess and display certain misogynistic tendencies with female members of your staff." "Son of a bitch!" McCoy jumped to his feet and waved a finger in Spock's direction, "That has to be the biggest crock of shit I've ever heard! Besides, you should talk! For Christ sakes, you're half-human and you bury your damned emotions like they were something to be ashamed of! You're the one always going on about how 'superior' you are to us mere humans like we were dirt beneath your green blooded toes and yet you overlook the fact that, whether you like it or not, you are one of us!" "I am Vulcan." Spock announced. "You are HALF Vulcan, you stubborn, thick headed, green eared goat! The other half is just as human as I am! Talk about a goddamn fear of intimacy--whooo!" McCoy looked around, "This joint got any booze?" "No," Spock answered stiffly. "In that case, the party is over and I'm gone," McCoy headed for the door. "See ya around the ship." Spock sat in contemplative silence for a few moments, "Doctor, wait!" "What?" McCoy asked turning around. "Would you... care to join me for a few more minutes, please?" Spock asked, "I find this conversation to be most enlightening." McCoy turned back and sat down again, "Enlightening huh? Which part?" "I do not feel that I have a fear of intimacy," Spock said, "Nor do I feel that I have abandoned my human side." "Oh yeah, well prove it," the doctor said folding his arms. "How?" Spock asked. "I don't know--try doing something human for a change," McCoy shrugged. The science officer considered that for a few seconds, "I would need your assistance, doctor." "Whatever, just---" McCoy's sentence was cut off as Spock leaned over and kissed him squarely on the mouth, his strong hands gripping the older human's shoulders tightly. "Was that human enough?" Spock asked. "Uh, er... wow." McCoy appeared flabbergasted. "Where the hell did that come from?" "Did you think that Vulcan's did not practice sexual coupling beyond Pon Farr?" he asked, "I assure you, we do. In addition, we feel many of the same things human's do, we just don't express them as randomly as your species. We can have remorse, anger, joy, and even sexual attraction, we just exert control over our baser instincts." "Control?" McCoy cleared his throat, "And what would happen if you just decided to let loose?" Slowly, Spock's mouth descended upon McCoy's again only this time it was far more gentle and searching. Slowly, his tongue darted out to explore the contours of the doctor's mouth and McCoy began to kiss back with the same abandon that he had goaded Spock into displaying. "Is that a satisfactory---" McCoy turned the tables on Spock as he shut him up with a kiss. "Chat time is over, pal. Now we've come to the 'put your money where your mouth was' stage of the evening," the human grinned at his companion. "Do Vulcans sleep on beds, by any chance?" "Yes, they do," Spock answered, "and other activities as well. Would you care for a demonstration?" "Well, in the interest of science and diplomatic relations, sure," McCoy got up and waved Spock toward the bedroom. "After you." As he followed the man into the bedroom, McCoy looked longingly at the half-Vulcan's tight ass, "Now that's a lovely sight indeed." Spock looked behind him, "I assure you, the 'view' as you put it, will get even better soon enough." "Conceited, aren't we?" McCoy chuckled. Spock pulled him into a quick embrace and kissed him hard, "Just confident in my skills." "Before we do this, can I ask you a question?" Spock nodded, "Certainly, I must admit that I have been attracted to you for quite some time now. I have also sensed that you may have had similar tendencies and--" McCoy laid his fingers across Spock's mouth. "Sheesh, you talk too much. I was just going to ask you if you could call me 'Leonard'. 'Dr. McCoy' is a little too formal for fucking, don't you think?" "Very well then, Leonard." Spock tested the name on his tongue, "Shall we adjourn for the evening in my bedroom then?" "Sounds like a plan to me," McCoy winked. Moments later they were naked on the bed, their mouth's fused together as their bodies strained against one another. McCoy ran his fingers down the muscled back of his companion and smiled against his mouth. Damn this is nice, he thought. Spock rolled them both over so he was on top and began to lick and suck his way down McCoy's chest until he came to the other man's straining erection. Without preamble, Spock drew him into his mouth. "Oh yeah... " McCoy moaned as he felt the moist heat of Spock's mouth surround his cock. "I take it that you've done this before?" he gasped as the other man nibbled on his shaft playfully. "Vulcan's are taught a variety of sexual techniques in primary school." Spock emphasised his statement by sucking on the doctor's testicles. "Really?" Bones squirmed breathing heavily. "No," the human swore he felt his companion smile around his dick. Spock lifted his head, "That was a joke." "Funny." McCoy reached down and pulled Spock toward him so they could kiss again. "My turn." Bones began to suckle and bite at the hard flat nipples on Spock's chest as he reached down between their bodies and gripped the Vulcan's rigid cock, pumping it assertively. "I will--ohhh," Spock gasped as McCoy pinched his shaft and manipulated the crown of his cock by running his finger over the slit rhythmically. "*gasp* paraphrase you and say that I observe that you are no stranger to this sort of activity either." "I'm a doctor," McCoy grinned as his mouth replaced his hand. "You'd be surprised what they put in those medical texts." "I'm sure I would," Spock squirmed as McCoy gripped his ass and took his cock within his mouth, pumping his face up and down with a surprising skill. "It would be my preference to pleasure you at the same time, Leonard," Spock stifled a moan. "All right." McCoy agreed and scooted back up to the top of the bed, clasping the other man to him tightly. Soon their bodies were straining together as they sought release. With every stroke of the other man's hard cock against his own erection, McCoy felt the burning in his gut grow stronger, signalling his impending orgasm. Within moments both men came, first one then the other. After they shuddered and gasped in completion, they lay against one another and enjoyed the silence of polite company. --- "Illogical, doctor," Spock announced from beside Kirk. "Oh yeah? Well, I suppose you Vulcan's would just... " Kirk sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Enough! Dammit, my ears are ringing. Spock, get me your analysis of the metallurgy report as soon as you're done." "Certainly, captain," Spock said as he returned to his post. "I thought you said you and Spock had reached some sort of friendly compromise the other night?" Kirk muttered. "We did," McCoy replied. "And... ?" Kirk urged. "And nothing. We had a polite conversation and spent the evening discussing various scientific... stuff." McCoy shrugged. "Scientific 'stuff', huh?" the captain glared at him a little, "As far as I can see, it hasn't improved your attitudes in the least." "Oh well, what did you expect?" Bones drawled, "Did you think that just because we had one polite conversation that we'd fall all over one another on the bridge?" "No," Kirk said reluctantly. "I expected a little less bickering though." "Well, if it's of any comfort we plan on meeting in my quarters tonight to continue our debate privately," McCoy announced. "You seem to be looking forward to it," Kirk looked at his CMO curiously. "Well, you'd be surprised how heated these things can get," McCoy smiled to himself. "It's very... stimulating." "Oh well, whatever you say. Personally the thought of two science officers getting into a heated discussion about asteroid metallurgy bores me to tears!" "Oh well, then you just don't know how to live, Jim my boy!" the doctor clasped him on the shoulder with a wink then exited through the doors toward sick bay. Kirk shrugged, "I swear that man gets stranger every day I know him." --- The End