The BLTS Archive - Regrets
by ILuvKate

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B'Elanna Torres plunged into her quarters, barely allowing the doors
enough time to slide open before pushing through, and as they swished
closed behind her, burst into racking, painful weeping. As sobs tore
through her body and tears streamed from her eyes, she sank slowly to
her knees, face buried in her hands. Bent over, shoulders shaking, she
all but howled in pain, remorse, embarrassment, and regret. At last
there were no more tears and she slumped forward, hands flat on the
floor, breath rasping harshly in her aching chest. An ache that had
nothing to do with the physical effects of weeping.

If she lived to be a hundred and fifty, she'd never forget the look on
Kathryn Janeway's face. Never. Eyes like icy points of steel overlaid
with disappointment, disbelief, and betrayal, the latter three far,
far worse than the fury. Far, far worse.

Tears rose up in a choking wave again and B'Elanna jammed the heels of
her hands into her brimming eyes. Something primal and Klingon
asserted itself and fought the fresh onslaught back and she rose to
her knees and groped her way into a nearby chair. The sullen Klingon
beast deep within her gave a surly mutter. What the hell did she care
what bloody Starfleet thought? The thought rose in her mind trying to
overpower the writhing, miserable human side that was threatening to
give in to a new crying fit. Defiant rage battled wailing pain and in
the end it was easier to push the rage away. Because it was misplaced.
She had nothing to be angry about, unless it was letting herself be
manipulated by Seska and Carey, but she had everything to be in pain
about. She'd managed to destroy months and months of brilliant, clever
work. With just one, stupid, self-serving action, she'd hurled herself
four months back in time. She was back on the bridge of Voyager about
to lunge at a woman who was preparing to strand them in the Delta
Quadrant.

Drained, she laid her head against the back of the chair, staring at
the ceiling. By rights she should be on her back on the bunk in the
brig, looking up at its ceiling. By rights, she should be stripped of
the rank bar proclaiming her a lieutenant, j.g. and busted to crewman.
The Captain should've thrown the book at her, but as she'd said, she
didn't have the luxury. B'Elanna knew, without conceit, that she was
the best Engineer on the crew. It was self-evident. Janeway would have
probably found that out without Chakotay's prodding. Nothing escaped
her notice, particularly if it involved her ship. So she needed
Torres. But it wasn't just that. Janeway was astute enough to realize
what her young Chief Engineer's motives had been. And, B'Elanna
realized uncomfortably, she also realized how impulsive and--oh, hell,
admit it, B'Elanna told herself fiercely--how immature she was. She
was an Academy dropout, a Starfleet washout. No training and no
discipline. Letting her heart rule her head. If she'd been a regular
officer, steeped in the doctrines of the Academy and Starfleet, she
would have never let herself be played the way Seska and Carey played
her, playing upon the very emotions that led to her downfall.

The memory of Janeway's blue laser stare lanced through her again,
making her wince physically as though someone had stabbed her. This
time she did not fight the tears that rose hotly in her chest to spill
in burning rivulets down her face. She wept quietly this time, head
bowed.

"B'Elanna." Surely the voice was a hallucination, created by a
feverish mind frantic to restore something--anything to its previous
status. The hand placed on her shoulder became a flaming brand that
seared her whole body. She looked up in confusion and stupefaction to
see a slim figure in red and black standing beside the chair, looking
down at her in concern. B'Elanna rubbed her eyes, swollen, red,
bleary, feeling as though they were made of sand and stared up at
Kathryn Janeway who stood with her hand on her shoulder looking as
though she cared about what was making her Chief Engineer sob so
brokenheartedly. The hell of it was, she probably did care, B'Elanna
realized. The thought made her eyes ache and she fought back new tears
with an effort.

"Wh-what--are you--?" B'Elanna's voice came out in a strangled croak.
For a wild, insane moment, she imagined that Janeway had come here to
continue the keelhauling she'd begun in the Ready Room. A fresh wave
of misery washed over her.

"You didn't answer your door chime, B'Elanna," the Captain began, "So
I overrode the lock. I wanted to talk to you." B'Elanna just stared at
her. Janeway folded her arms and paced a few steps.

"B'Elanna," she began, "I must apologize for dressing you down in
front of Tuvok. I--"

"Oh, don't!" B'Elanna wasn't sure the words didn't come out in an
agonized wail. She tried not to. "You have nothing to apologize to me
for!" she went on. Could this get any worse? The Captain smiled and
walked over to her and placed her hand on B'Elanna's shoulder again.

"Oh, but I do, Lieutenant," she chided gently. (As though she knew how
raw her Chief Engineer must be right now, B'Elanna realized.) "One of
the most fundamental elements of leadership and I failed to observe
it. And so I must apologize." B'Elanna sat with her head bowed.

"If it makes you feel any better," she whispered. The Captain's hand
was still on her shoulder and B'Elanna was preternaturally aware of
its heat and its nominal weight. An unbidden, irrational image of that
hand sliding down--B'Elanna shook herself slightly. Good God, was she
going completely mad? She returned, with an effort, to the subject at
hand.

"I wish I knew....what to say..," her voice was tortured, coming out
of her throat, ragged and harsh. She felt tears spill down her cheeks
and damned each one of them, but they paid no attention, sliding down
her face to drip onto the front of her uniform. "I'm so sorry!" The
words burst out of her of their own volition. "So sorry, Ca-Capt-ain!"
Ridiculously, incredibly, she was hiccupping like a small child and
she wished furiously that she could just disappear.

"I know." B'Elanna suddenly found herself embraced, her head buried in
the Captain's shoulder, the Captain's arms wrapped around her.
Somehow, Kathryn Janeway was in the chair and was holding her.
B'Elanna's hands found themselves around the Captain's waist. She
began to cry again, sobs shaking her body, her face crushed into the
Captain's shoulder.

Kathryn Janeway held the shuddering body in her arms, murmuring
wordlessly now and then, her cheek against the dark hair. One of her
hands came up to stroke the silky hair and she felt B'Elanna's gasp.
She brought her hand down to cup B'Elanna's chin and she drew back a
little to look at her. Then she bent and kissed that lush mouth,
questing gently with her tongue. She felt B'Elanna's mouth open under
hers and the kiss deepened. They were both breathing hard when Kathryn
pulled back a couple of minutes later. B'Elanna enjoyed the feel of
the Captain's breasts against her own as they tried to slow their
breathing. Janeway's face was stricken.

"B'Elanna," the Captain's voice seemed hollow, shocked. "I-I am so
sorry! I don't know what got into me. I shouldn't have done that.
I--."

"I'm not complaining," B'Elanna broke into the torrent of apology and
she could have sworn that Kathryn Janeway looked relieved. She put up
a hand and caressed B'Elanna's cheek, running her thumb over the lips
she'd just kissed so thoroughly. B'Elanna captured the hand and
turning it, pressed her lips into the palm. She felt Kathryn give a
hitching, ragged breath.

"I--," Kathryn began and then got control of her voice. "I had no idea
you felt...I've wanted to kiss you since that day in the Ready Room
when you began talking about smacking ice." B'Elanna laughed.

"Really?" She paused, sobering. "I have to admit I didn't feel it
right away, but I think I've wanted you to kiss me for a long time. I
just didn't realize it." Now it was her turn to put a hand up,
brushing aside a small tendril of hair on the Captain's forehead.
"What do we do now?" she asked. Kathryn grinned.

"Well, I've got several ideas," she quipped, and then her expression
became serious. "All joking aside, B'Elanna...."

"I know," B'Elanna said gently. "We have to keep it quiet. I
understand." Kathryn sighed.

"I don't like it, but when you wear four pips on your collar...." her
voice trailed off apologetically.

"I said I understand," B'Elanna assured her. "What I want to know is,
do you want to go into the bedroom now, or do you want to pull back
and take a good look at this before we take it any farther?"

"I'm completely sure of what I want to do," Kathryn told her firmly.
"It may be you that wants to step back."

"Do you see me moving an inch?" B'Elanna asked her. "I'm as sure as
you are."

"Then what," Kathryn Janeway asked her, "the hell are we waiting for?"
B'Elanna stood and took Kathryn's hand and they walked to the bedroom
where they undressed for each other with leisurely pleasure. Kathryn
sat on the bed and B'Elanna went to stand in front of her. Kathryn put
her hands on B'Elanna's hips and B'Elanna sucked in a quick breath at
the feel of the Captain's hands on her bare skin and the proximity of
her mouth to the heat between her legs. Imagining Kathryn Janeway's
tongue inside her turned her knees to water. Imagining, in turn, her
own tongue inside Kathryn Janeway nearly sent her over the edge.

Kathryn slid back on the bed, drawing B'Elanna with her. She lay down
on her back and B'Elanna poised over her, drinking in the sight of the
Captain's shapely breasts, flat stomach and creamy thighs. She laced
her fingers with Kathryn's, pinning her hands to the bed and bent to
kiss her. This kiss was long, deep, and lingering, not like Kathryn's
impulsive, hurried kiss of several minutes earlier. Both women reveled
in the other's taste and feel and it was only the necessity to breathe
that caused them to stop kissing. Kathryn was murmuring B'Elanna's
name breathlessly over and over, and B'Elanna took pleasure in hearing
that as she began to kiss and lick her way down, across Kathryn's
cheek, down the side of her throat, down her sternum to lavish
attention on one of her tantalizing breasts.

"Oh, God-d-d, B'Elanna-a-a-," Kathryn moaned, arching her back as
B'Elanna circled one of her aching nipples with her tongue and then
sucked it, gently at first, then harder. B'Elanna found Kathryn's
taste intoxicating, her smell dizzying. Her skin tasted like oranges
and wild honey, and she smelled delicious, a faint spicy, flowery
scent that made her head spin. She moved to the other breast, licking
the nipple hard, making Kathryn gasp and cry out. Then she moved down,
down across Kathryn's flat stomach, kissing and licking her delicious
skin and then paused over Kathryn's sex. Parting the labia with her
fingers, she flicked the swollen clit with her tongue. Kathryn jerked
spasmodically. B'Elanna glanced up briefly at Kathryn's flushed face,
her own eyes glazed, and then lowered her head and proceeded to lose
herself in the ecstasy that was Kathryn Janeway. She was only dimly
aware of Kathryn's bucking hips in response to her lips, teeth, and
tongue and Kathryn's cries of pleasure sounded distant to her ears.
Finally, sated, she lifted her head, pushed herself up, and rolled to
the side on her back. Her heartbeat thudded in her chest, a not
unpleasant sensation. When her breathing had returned to normal, she
slid up to lie beside Kathryn, pressing her lips to a shoulder damp
with sweat. Kathryn turned on her side, sliding her hands up
B'Elanna's own damp flank. B'Elanna reached up to remove the pins
still in Kathryn's disheveled hair. They both laughed at her having
her hair still up when making love. Kathryn took B'Elanna's face
between her hands and kissed her tenderly.

"My turn, now," she whispered, pushing the younger woman on her back.
B'Elanna lay, one arm thrown back, and Kathryn stroked the soft skin
under her arm, circling down to cup one of B'Elanna's breasts, rolling
the nipple. B'Elanna sucked in a breath as Kathryn fondled her and
bent to kiss her again. B'Elanna lifted herself to push herself into
Kathryn's hands, devouring Kathryn's mouth with her own. Kathryn moved
her mouth to B'Elanna's breasts, going from one to the other, sucking,
circling the nipple with her tongue. B'Elanna stroked the silky smooth
expanse of Kathryn's back, feeling the muscles ripple under her palms.
Her hands cupped Kathryn's bottom and she heard Kathryn grunt with
pleasure in response as kneaded it. Kathryn spiraled her tongue down
B'Elanna's body and, reaching her sex, plunged her tongue deep.
B'Elanna yelled, closing her thighs to surround Kathryn's head.
Kathryn's tongue punished B'Elanna's clit, stroking it hard.
B'Elanna's body spasmed with each stroke and then she exploded as her
climax washed over her. Kathryn moved up beside her and they held each
other, damp flesh against damp flesh. B'Elanna buried her nose in the
crook of Kathryn's neck, inhaling her intoxicating scent. Kathryn
stroked B'Elanna's soft, dark hair.

"God, I'm glad you came by to apologize," B'Elanna's voice was
muffled. Kathryn laughed.

"Good timing, wasn't it?" she replied. "Mmmh," she added as B'Elanna's
hands found her bottom again, stroking the cheeks lightly with her
fingertips.

"Like that?" B'Elanna asked, rubbing the flat of her hands across the
smooth globes, feeling Kathryn take a deep breath.

"Mmm-hm," Kathryn murmured lazily, making a sound deep in her throat.
"I love having my bottom fooled with."

"Oh, good," B'Elanna said, "'cause I love fooling with it." She was
spreading Kathryn's cheeks, her fingers searching for the puckered
opening of her anus.

"Uuhh," Kathryn jerked as she found it and inserted a finger, teasing
it.

"I bet I know what you'd really like," B'Elanna said, sitting up.
"Turn over on your belly." Kathryn did so. B'Elanna grabbed a pillow,
lifted Kathryn effortlessly and put the pillow under her stomach. She
sat back to admire the sight of Kathryn's butt slightly in the air.
Kathryn was breathing rapidly. B'Elanna positioned herself between
Kathryn's thighs, spreading them apart. Kathryn was making small
sounds in her throat. B'Elanna slid her hands up the back of Kathryn's
thighs and parted the cleft of her cheeks with her thumbs. She leaned
forward and flicked Kathryn's anus with her tongue.

"Ohh, Gooddd, B'Elannnnaa," Kathryn groaned. B'Elanna delved more
deeply and Kathryn's hips bucked.

"Play with yourself!" B'Elanna ordered suddenly. Kathryn put her hands
between her legs and began to stroke herself, beginning to tremble.
B'Elanna applied her tongue again and Kathryn climaxed quickly under
the double onslaught. B'Elanna rolled away to lie on her back. Kathryn
turned on her side and dropped a kiss on B'Elanna's shoulder.

"God, I'm glad I came by to apologize," she murmured. "Just
think......"

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Copyright 1997 ILuvKate

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The End