The BLTS Archive - A Gift of Self
First in the Infinite Possibilities series
by Jennifer Ferris (kevas@aol.com)

---

Author's Note:In this alternate universe, which begins
sometime early in the fourth season, Janeway and Chakotay
have a relationship both professional and intimate. Janeway
has resolved the difficulties in her mind. As I've said
before, I think she could manage both priorities. She's a
pretty smart cookie.

This series will have stories and vignettes. They definitely
won't all be about sex, but a sexual relationship is part of
the package. Some of the stories will be rated NC-17 (this
one definitely is. IF YOU'RE UNDER 18, READ NO FURTHER).
And, since one of the events that defines where this a/u
begins is the acknowledgement of Janeway's feelings for her
first officer, I've decided to start the series off
with...well...a bang. Here goes.

Disclaimer: these are Paramount's toys. I'll give them back
in good condition. I hope they have as much fun with them as
we do.

---

The decision was absolutely clear in her mind the minute she
woke up. Kathryn Janeway stretched and stared at the ceiling
in her quarters. It was as if she'd been calculating all the
data in her sleep. Night after night, for so long she
couldn't remember a time before there was this decision in
her, waiting to be made, waiting to see the light. Now it
fell neatly into place as soon as she opened her eyes.

Kes had something to do with it. With the timing, anyway.
She had left them only weeks ago, her smiling face as clear
in Kathryn's mind as if it had been only minutes. Kes had
blessed them. She had sent them ten years closer to home, an
immense gift; and she had looked into the hearts of the
people on Voyager and given some of them another gift.
Immeasureable. A gift of self, and certainty. Kes was gone
now, not dead, but unreachable. There was no way Kathryn
could pay her back. She could only...pay the gift forward. A
gift of self, and certainty.

She took extra care with her morning preparations, a long,
luxuriant hot shower, using the scented shampoo she liked
best. Brushing her hair till it shone, wondering almost idly
if she should have cut it after all, wondering if it was
becoming. Thoughts she ordinarily dismissed. Smoothing on
silky body lotion, reveling in the touch of the moisture,
not quite picturing other hands on her skin. Not focusing,
refusing to linger on those thoughts that hovered just
outside her awareness. All her senses felt heightened.

On her way to breakfast she stopped in the kitchen to see
Neelix briefly and ask the Talaxian how he was faring. It
seemed more important now than ever, that he know he was
valued. That he was a part of their family. He would have to
find his own way to peace, the peace that was growing in
her. The surface of her life hadn't changed, not yet. Only
the warmth that blossomed under her sternum, on her skin, in
the air she drew into her lungs. She wished she could give
this peace to everyone on the ship.

When she left the kitchen, she saw Chakotay.

"Captain." There were people about, so he used her title.
But his eyes didn't. Each morning, when he first saw her, in
the mess hall, on the bridge, wherever they were, his eyes
smiled at her and said 'Kathryn'. Even when they were
fighting-perhaps most, when they were fighting--the first
thing he greeted, perhaps the first thing he saw, was
Kathryn. Not the rank. But the person.

"Chakotay." She watched him walk toward her, a slight smile
on his face. She watched him, the tall, solid frame, the
beginning of grey in his hair, the promise of his mouth--not
here, she told herself. Not here.

She stood there for only a moment but he realized that there
was something-something-- perhaps he could read her face
better than she knew. Of course he could. She could see so
much when she looked at him... Nobody else was looking at
them strangely, so maybe she wasn't telegraphing. Except to
him. As he stood next to her, waiting, a faintly quizzical
look lighting his features, she touched him, letting her
hand linger on his wrist. "I was wrong," she offered,
quietly. Then she turned--not here, this isn't the place,
and went in to get her breakfast.

He stared after her, eyes just a little wide, not letting
himself believe what he wanted her to have meant. But a
smile crossed his face like sunshine.

---

Their shift was over. It was hours past time for dinner by
the time they'd analyzed that day's simulations. First watch
was long gone.

"Commander, if I could have a few minutes of your time
before we say goodnight? We have some matters yet to
discuss." There, that was ambiguous and safe enough.

"Of course, Captain."

They left the bridge together, waited through an endless
ride in the lift, walked quietly to her quarters. When the
door shut behind them Chakotay stopped. "Kathryn..."

She turned slowly to let him see her face, trying to hide
the anticipation she felt. She didn't dare presume, not now.
She crossed over to the couch, curled up on it, beckoned for
him to join her.

"What did you want to tell me?" he asked, quietly. He sat
beside her, patient and still. Well-maybe not patient. But
with the mask in place that he used for patience. Suddenly a
little frightened, Kathryn rose. "Would you like some tea?"

Chakotay leaned back into the couch. If he didn't know
better he'd say the captain was stalling. But she'd asked
him here. "Sure. If you'll join me."

Kathryn busied herself at the replicator. Her hands were
sweating. The awareness that had heightened her whole day
was focused now. Fear, or nerves, fluttered in her stomach.
She took a deep breath, willing calm. She turned back toward
the sofa, carrying the tea, watching Chakotay as he waited.

"I...needed to talk to you."

He nodded. She walked back slowly, back straight and proud.
"I..." She felt uncertainty wash over her. Not about her
decision. But she had put him through so much...was this
arbitrary, selfish on her part?

"Kathryn..." Chakotay took the cups from her and put them
down on the coffee table. "Come here. Please? Tell me."

"Yes. I want to. I'm just..."

He reached out, as if to touch her, but let his hand drop.
She'd speak when she was ready. "It's all right. Whatever it
is."

"Yes." Kathryn shook her head once in impatience. She was
used to dealing with - anything she had to - and now she was
tongue-tied as a cadet. "Chakotay. I have to ask you
something." She crouched down in front of the sofa, eye to
eye with him.

He tilted his head, waiting. A muscle in his jaw clenched,
once, unconsciously.

Kathryn reached out to stroke his hand. He grasped hers
immediately, lending support and comfort. He cupped her hand
in both of his. Take what you need. Ask what you will. I'll
try. I'll help. Just ask. All of those things given to her,
with just a touch.

She found the courage to look at him, to see his eyes, warm
and full of life. "I've been an awful fool," she whispered.

A smile touched the corner of his mouth. "Have you? Good."

She couldn't help the grin that spread across her face.
"'Good'?"

"Sure. We're all fools, Kathryn. Some of us haven't figured
it out yet, that's all," and his hand waggled back and forth
a little bit, teasing, self-deprecating. "Join the club. So.
Are you going to tell me what you did that was so foolish?"

"I'm...yes." She cleared her throat a little
self-consciously, looking down at their hands, still joined.
Without thought, she squeezed his fingers.

There was a tiny smile on his face as he looked at her. She
spoke, almost whispering, before she lost her nerve, holding
Chakotay's hands as if they were a lifeline. "I've been
fighting for a long time. I was so sure I was right, I was
so damned self-righteous, that I almost damaged something
precious, maybe beyond repair. I hope not. I hope..."

"What?" His voice, urging her on, but quiet. As if he was
afraid of her answer, or afraid to hope.

"I need your help."

"It's yours." That was immediate. Unqualified.

"I have to mend a rift...there's a huge distance. Here." She
touched her own heart, then reached out to spread her hand
on his chest. "I've created it. Can you help me?"

"Kathryn." His eyes were very large, very black. "There's no
distance. None you don't want."

"I don't...I don't. I told you I was a fool-" Chakotay rose
from the couch, pulling her up with him, his hands moving
down her arms to her waist. His hands were very warm.
Kathryn felt the blood moving in her veins, her pulse rapid,
as if she'd just run a long distance, and then he stopped.
He stopped, his lips a few scant inches from her mouth,
leaving her this space. To move away if she wanted. To pull
him closer if she wanted. Oh, god, she wanted. Helpless, she
shook her head. "I've pushed you so far away. You're so far
away..."

"Not now. Not any more?" And he moved those few inches
closer. His lips touched hers, gently, as if he feared she'd
fade away, like a dream, if he wished too hard.

But she wasn't going to go away. Not if he wanted her here.
Not if he still wanted her. "Oh," Kathryn whispered,
remembering that she was supposed to breathe. She burrowed a
little closer, letting her hands slide around him, to the
back of his neck. "Yes. Yes. I've been such a-" The first
kiss had been gentle. The second was not. Chakotay's mouth
opened hers, the taste of him washing through her senses,
after all her imaginings-- he licked her lips, his tongue
seeking, his arms urging her closer. Kathryn stretched up on
tiptoe to fit herself to him, holding his face. Finally,
needing to breathe, she pulled back. Just a little.

She could feel his heartbeat against her chest. "When I
thought about it, about you, I was so afraid."

His hands were gentle on her hair as he shook his head once
in protest. "Why?"

"You've been so, so careful. We've been...it's been
difficult lately. I didn't know if you still..."

"Kathryn." Chakotay's voice was very quiet. "I've always
been here. I've waited for you. I didn't think you wanted me
to."

"I didn't know if you could ever forgive me."

He drew back a little to look at her. "For what?"

"For...imposing this distance. I don't know. For being the
captain."

He drew a breath, half-laughing, half a wordless cry of
protest. "That's what you are. Why should I forgive you for
being yourself?"

"I thought...for so long I thought I had to keep you away.
But now..."

"But now?" He kept his face still, but his hands...oh, his
hands moved so slightly, so gently on her back, her waist.

"I told you. I learned something. I've been so blind, and
stubborn."

That earned her a shaky laugh. "Yes. That's true."

She shook her head. "Everything is different now."

His hands stilled. "Is it."

"Can't you see it? Look at me."

"All right." Chakotay leaned back slightly, not moving his
arms from around her, and slowly looked his captain up and
down, once, twice, lingering. "What am I looking for?"

Her fingers traced his lips. "You tell me."

"You look like yourself. Like Kathryn. Beautiful." At her
'ssst' of exasperation, he studied her more seriously. "All
right. You look, you look...lighter somehow. Rested, maybe."

"Ah, love," Kathryn murmured, leaning back to him, "that's
it. I'm lighter. An awful weight is gone."

He stood very still for a moment. "Kathryn?" She nodded.
"You said... Will you finally let me say it?"

"Oh, god," Janeway shook her head. "I never meant to stop
you."

"Yes, you did." He tucked a hand under her chin. The touch
turned into a caress. "But now I can say it. I love you,
Kathryn. I love you more than you know."

"Chakotay." Her voice wrapped itself around his name,
treasuring it. "Oh, love. I've wanted..." She shrugged
helplessly.

"Yes.." He drew a breath in, of wonder, maybe disbelief. His
hands cupped her face. "Kathryn." He kissed her again, a
little harshly, as if his need could find no other voice, no
better voice. His mouth lingering as if to make up for all
the times he'd thought of touching her and couldn't. "Oh
yes. I know..." and his lips followed the curve of her jaw,
down her throat, nipping lightly, feeling the pulse of her
heartbeat.

His hands brushed against the fabric of her uniform,
stopping at her turtleneck. His thumb stroked against her
jaw and he waited. "Tell me what you want. I don't want to
stop. But you have to tell me."

"You." Her voice was low, but very clear. Not uncertain, not
now. "I want you. If you want this too. If you..."

Chakotay's eyes closed, his head thrown slightly back, but
he opened them now and stared at her. "Are you sure? Don't-"

She pressed her fingers against his mouth. "God. Oh, love.
Yes."

He ran his hands down her back, hard, resting finally on her
bottom, pulling her up and toward him. His feet shifted,
braced, as he raised her slightly. "Come here. This..." and
he shifted one hand, drawing it up her uniform, smoothing
over her rump and her back and cupping her breast. "This
thing has to go."

She reached for the fastening, breathing deeply, her face
warm, feeling very alive. "Oh. Oh." She shook her head, and
smiled. "Wait."

"What?" Chakotay stopped, not breathing, not moving away.

"Nothing. Just a-" She reached between them to touch her
comm badge. "Janeway to Tuvok."

There was almost no delay. "Tuvok here, Captain."

She took a careful breath, watching Chakotay, a smile
crinkling her eyes, willing her voice to be steady. "Tuvok.
Commander Chakotay and I have some matters to attend to in
the morning. We'll be late getting to the bridge. Contact me
if there's anything I need to know about, but otherwise,
will you take the early watch?"

The Vulcan's voice was even. "Of course, Captain." No
questions.

"Thank you. See you mid-watch. Janeway out." She smiled at
Chakotay as she removed the comm badge.

Chakotay was waiting, deliberately. "Captain?"

"Yes, Commander." Her hand moved to the front of her
uniform, unzipping it, wanting him to see her certainty.

He kept his face impassive with an effort. "Have I told you
lately how much I admire you?"

"Not enough," she laughed softly.

"Oh, I do. You don't do things halfway, do you?" His hands
gently urged her uniform off her shoulders, taking his time
as if he had to be very careful.

"No, I don't," she said, a half-smile still tugging at her
lips. "Not any more. Not this time. Oh," she breathed as
Chakotay's hand moved over her hip, caressing as he slid the
uniform down. She held his arm for balance as she stood
first on one foot, then the other, tugging her boots off.
Impatiently, she peeled off the rest of her clothing and
grabbed Chakotay's wrist, pulling at him to follow her into
her bedroom. She sat on the bed and then rose to her knees,
hands straying to touch him as he undressed. Helping him.
The barrier of clothing was suddenly intolerable. She pulled
him to her as soon as he was naked.

He met her squarely, both of them on their knees on the bed
in the captain's quarters, pressed flesh to flesh, thigh to
thigh. Their embrace so tight that Kathryn felt the pressure
in her lungs. Her mouth sought Chakotay's, drinking him in,
giddy with his taste and his warmth and the feel of his skin
on hers. Chakotay loosened his grip, realizing, shoving the
bedclothes out of the way as he lowered her to the mattress.

Kathryn pressed close, pulling Chakotay to her, running her
hands down his back and following the curve of his buttocks
as she lifted her hips to tempt him closer. When he released
her mouth all she could say was, "Oh...oh love. Yes."

Chakotay shifted away, slightly, smoothing his hands over
her. His mouth grazed her side, nibbling along her ribs and
stomach, licking the soft skin at the juncture where her
waist swelled into hip. The touch sent electricity shooting
through her nerves and she gasped a little. "You...oh, oh,
you can't know..." She thrust her hips upward, squirming on
the bed, spreading her legs wider.

"Kathryn..." Chakotay pulled away just a little, to drink in
her shining eyes and flushed cheeks.

"What? Tell me." Her voice was shaky.

"I just have to see you. To look at you. You're beautiful,"
he whispered.

She slid her fingers past his waist, her nails scraping
lightly, to the top of his thigh. Finding his erection.
"Love. Oh. Don't you think...oh, come-"

Chakotay laughed softly, his mouth sliding down her neck,
gently teasing. "Soon," he said, not stopping.

"No...oh-"

"No?" He licked her breast, sucking her nipples. Kathryn
made a wordless sound of impatience and he stopped what he
was doing and turned to watch her face. Without a word, he
raised up onto his knees, hands stroking down her thighs,
parting them further. His engorged penis brushed at her
pubic hair. He shifted, the tip of his cock sliding against
her wet sex. "Tell me," he breathed, his voice a little
rough.

"Come here," she entreated, lifting her hips to him.

"Yes," he whispered as he slid his hands under her ass. His
cock slipped once, twice, and he thrust forward. Kathryn
locked her legs around him, her neck arched back. For a few
minutes they barely moved, hands easing each other, joined
with heat and need. Chakotay raised himself a little, braced
on his hands, mouth an inch from hers. Then brushing.
Bruising. A great surge washed through her. Kathryn closed
her eyes, finally, head tossing on the pillow. Chakotay
brushed his mouth against her jaw, licking her neck. "I'm
going to stay here forever," he whispered.

Kathryn pushed against him. "Maybe not...exactly just
there," and she drew her hips back, then surged forward on
his cock.

"God, you're...I've wanted to--" he drew a harsh breath. He
raised himself up, and pulled his hips back, then thrust
hard into her. Once. Twice. Again. Kathryn surged upward,
gasping, mouth open on his neck. She stayed there a moment,
tasting him, but it took too much control. Her heart was
pounding and the heat centering in her, stomach muscles
clenching involuntarily. Chakotay was thrusting hard now,
sliding almost out, then back in, grinding himself against
her, and she fell back onto the mattress, shifting her legs
flat to brace herself. Something to push against. Something
to push toward.

"Let me...uh," she twisted against him, jerking her hips in
a tight circle. He slowed, joining her, barely shifting.
"Cha...kotay. Don't-"

"Don't?" he asked, forcing his eyes open, sweating. "Oh," as
his hips slammed forward, cock pulsing hot in her. "Ah."
Slap. "Aah," his breath catching.

"Don't stop, don't st-"

"Wasn't. Won't." Chakotay lowered further, kissing Kathryn's
neck, her cheek, the spot behind her ear. His hips lifted,
ground into her belly, his movements short and jerky now.

Kathryn groaned, her eyes rolled back, face twisting in a
grimace, the explosion shuddering through her. She shrieked
into Chakotay's mouth. The heat, the spasm of her muscles on
his cock was too much and he threw his head back,
"Can't-god, AHHH, KATHRYN-" and he came, spurting, hands
clutching at her to drive him through her, his cock pulsing
its heat and life into her.

---

"Oh god," the captain of the Voyager murmured shakily. She
lifted one leg and nudged Chakotay, meaning to draw him
closer, but moving was too much effort just for a moment.
Chakotay stretched one arm across her, both of them still
gasping for breath. He took Kathryn's hand and pressed it to
his chest.

She felt his heart hammering. "I know...oh. Oh," she tilted
her face, wanting to kiss him, but she couldn't seem to
breathe. Her head fell back on the pillow. "Oh. Oh god.
I..."

"Um hmm..." He brushed his open mouth against her.

"I...oh. I feel..."

"What."

"Like..." she broke into a helpless smile. "I feel like a
gift."

Chakotay raised himself up on an elbow, an answering smile
in his eyes. "Yes."

She brushed the damp hair off his forehead. "God. God." She
smiled hugely. "I'm out of practice."

He laughed softly. "We'll work on it."

"Yes, Commander, I think we will."

He leaned down to kiss her. "I could do this forever. We
could."

"Yah." Janeway stroked his cheek. "God. You feel wonderful."

His mouth lifted at the way she'd phrased it. "Yes, I do."
He shook his head ruefully. "I meant to make it last for
you. I wanted this time to be the best I could do. Our first
time."

She stared deadpan at her first officer, eyebrow raised in
unconscious imitation of her best command look. "You mean
this wasn't your best?"

"You tell me. Later."

"Good god. You're going to kill me. After all this time, I
find out what the real Maquis threat is."

Chakotay laughed again, but his smile faded slowly, his hand
still brushing her cheek. "I love you."

"I know."

"I have to tell you. I can't keep the words inside." His
eyes crinkled up with laughter again, as if it was bubbling
out of him and he couldn't stop it. "Besides. It's the one
time you know I'm not trying to get your pants off."

"Haven't got any." Kathryn shifted her hips at him,
emphasizing. They squished together, moisture sliding out of
her.

"I noticed."

"One of us has to get up. Actually, you have to get up."

"Why? Don't tell me I have to go home." Chakotay stroked
between her legs again, feather light.

She squeaked, protesting, too sensitive for a few minutes to
even be able to enjoy it. "Oh my love. God. Um, what was
I...oh. One of us has to move. You. Because if I move," she
said, "I'm going to leak. And then one of us has to sleep in
the wet spot."

"Oh. Okay." Chakotay swung his legs over the side of the
bed, leaned down to kiss her. "Don't go anywhere."

"Won't." She pressed her thighs firmly together.

He brought back a washcloth, wrung almost dry, and held it
against her. The cloth was so hot it was almost
uncomfortable. "Ah. God. That's wonderful."

"Uh huh." He pressed the cloth against her, hand behind the
warmth, not moving much, soothing.

"Can we talk now?" Kathryn stopped his hand, twining their
fingers together.

"Of course. We can always talk."

"Mmm hmm."

"So." His voice challenged her now.

Kathryn shook her head, too sleepy for the careful speech
she had planned. "Come here." She pulled Chakotay to her.
"Bring the covers." Obligingly he grabbed the sheet and
Kathryn's quilt. She pulled him close again, snuggling a leg
in between his. His penis, soft now, kissed her stomach.
"Maybe I just got..."

"What?" Chakotay drew back on the pillow to look at her.

Kathryn shook her head. "I was spending so much energy
resisting you, resisting the way I felt. I worried so much
that you'd divide my loyalties. That you'd distract me all
the time." She smiled at him, stroking her fingers across
his cheekbone and his mouth. "You're very distracting." She
shushed him before he could protest. "But having you
couldn't possibly be more distracting than fighting not to
want you. It took me...a long time to accept that." She put
her arms around his neck, pulling him close.

Chakotay kissed her, a sweet kiss that was in no hurry. Then
he put his forehead against hers and sighed. "I didn't know
if you'd ever..."

"I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

He put his hand to her lips. "No. No need. That's over now."

"Still. I was terrible to you."

His voice was very soft. "I can't. I can't be unhappy now. I
can't remember how."

Tears in her eyes, wanting to laugh, a little of both,
Kathryn hugged him back. "I know, my love. I know. Sleep.
Computer, lights out. --We have time now. You'll be here in
the morning."

Then she squinted at him doubtfully. "There I go, making
assumptions again. You'll be here in the morning?" This time
it was a question.

It was very dark but she could feel his smile. "I'll be
here."

---

The lights were on in the captain's quarters, morning cycle.
They'd thrown most of the covers off during the night.
Janeway sighed, stretching against her first officer with
the pleasure of long-denied luxury. She was on her left
side, snuggled tight against Chakotay's back, feeling happy
and sweaty and hungry. Her arm was numb, buried under him.
She smiled. Hell of a way to wake up. "I could get used to
this," she whispered to herself.

She'd thought Chakotay was still asleep, but he cleared his
throat and said softly, "I hope so." He rolled over to slide
his arms around her, his eyes sleepy, his face happy. He had
a morning erection and pushed it gently into her stomach. "I
don't want you to think I'm a one-night stand."

Kathryn levered herself lazily up, half straddling him. "Are
you going to ask if I still respect you?"

His grin was beautiful. "Oh. I forgot. I was supposed to do
that last night."

"Uh huh." She leaned down to kiss him, ignoring the faint
morning breath that came from him or her, she didn't know
which. "I'm never this cheerful first thing in the morning.
It always takes me a little while to wake up. And I'm
grumpy."

"You must have done something that agrees with you."
Chakotay cupped her breasts, squeezing just a bit.

"I'll be right back." Janeway slid off him and swung her
legs over the side of the bed. "I have to pee like you
wouldn't believe." She leaned over and rubbed her face into
the top of his head.

"Pay toll." Chakotay stroked her hair and kissed her as if
they had all the time in the world.

She opened her mouth to him, still hungry, suddenly not
thinking about breakfast. When they parted he rested his
face in her neck, breathing her in. She felt a flutter begin
deep inside her stomach. Her voice dropped to a whisper.
"Don't go away."

"No." Chakotay released her, squashing the pillow under his
head and watched Kathryn walk across her quarters. Her hips
swayed more than usual, her movement seductive. He grinned
into the pillow. She had to be doing that on purpose.

Janeway used the head, rinsed her mouth with toothpaste,
pushed a hand through her hair and idly thought she should
brush it out. The thought wasn't focused. She wandered back
into her bedroom, wondering if Chakotay would like her to
bring him some coffee. She nudged him with her hip and he
sat up and put his arms around her. "My turn. We don't have
to hurry this morning, do we," he murmured.

"No."

"Thank you for that." He nibbled softly on her ear.

She shivered. "I'm the captain...I'm supposed to think
ahead."

"Yes ma'am." He abandoned her ear finally and kissed her
again. "You taste fresh and clean," he said accusingly. "I
should probably do something about that."

"Any time." She took his face in her hands and kissed him
back, licking his lips, succulent and sweet.

He stood abruptly. "Save my place."

Kathryn lay back, feeling the faint warmth from his body,
hands idly tracing a pattern on the sheets. She felt at
ease, disjointed, a universe away from the concentrated
activity of the bridge where she would normally be at this
hour. Where she should be? She glanced at the chronometer.
Good god. She hadn't slept this late since--well. They'd be
back on duty soon enough. This stolen morning was earned. It
was theirs.

When Chakotay came back to the bed he was carrying a cup of
coffee. "Oh my," she said. "You know my price, don't you?"
She accepted the cup and took a deep drink.

"Sure," he said lightly, slipping down beside her. "Hot
coffee. Strong and black. Chocolate. A ride home." A pause.
"I'm still working on the ride part."

"This'll do for now." Kathryn put the mug back on the night
table. "And a very good morning to you, Commander. Have I
said..." She blushed suddenly.

Disarmed, Chakotay pulled her close. His hand stroked her
hair. "What? Tell me."

She shook her head, helpless for a moment. "It's like...this
is the most natural thing in the world. Like this is exactly
where we ought to be right now, together." She rolled
against him, arms caught between them, hands resting on his
chest.

"Yes. Yes." He kissed her with each syllable. "It is the
most natural thing in the world. I'm so glad..." he sighed,
not wanting to push. "I'm just happy."

"Um hmm." Kathryn shook her head. "Should I be polite and
offer you breakfast?"

"No. Don't ever 'be polite'. All right?" Chakotay propped
himself up on one elbow, looking at her intently. "Just be
yourself. That's what I trust."

That moved her almost as much as his declaration of love.
She touched his lips with her fingers. "Listen, there's
something I forgot. Well, I didn't forget, but... I never
got around to saying it. It's very important."

She looked so serious that Chakotay nodded, mentally bracing
himself. "Okay. What."

"Kiss me first."

It must not be too bad then. He lifted his hands to her
face, brushing her lips with his. "Tell me," he said again,
whispering.

Janeway shivered at the touch but drew away, wanting to see
him clearly. "You distracted me last night."

His thumb brushed her mouth. "And?"

"I love you. I didn't even say it. I love you."

Chakotay's eyes brightened impossibly and his arms encircled
her, threatening to crush her. He buried his face in her
hair, drawing a deep breath. "Kathryn."

"Yes, my love." She was so happy she thought her heart would
burst, why was she crying?

"I...you..." He couldn't seem to find words. "God. All the
gods. What have I done?"

That scared her a little. "Chakotay?"

But when he drew back he was smiling. "I didn't think it was
possible to be happier than I was when I woke up. You..."
The smile fading, he shook his head. "There can't be any
more, I have everything now." He rolled them over so he
loomed over her. "I have everything now." He seized her face
in his hands. "I love you, Captain." His kiss was hungry.

When he drew away she was panting a little. "I've thought it
at you a thousand times."

"I want a thousand more. I want everything." His lips began
to wander, lingering on her neck, her shoulder. He sucked
gently on her collarbone, teeth tickling her. "No," he
whispered, speaking against her skin as she shifted toward
him. "Don't move."

"With you doing that? I -"

Chakotay rose above her now, hands stroking gently. "Let me
love you. Let me touch you." Kathryn lay back, watching him
as his hands brushed her cheeks, slipping softly over her
neck. He slowed at the tender skin on her torso, and bent to
her, licking at her sternum, his thumbs circling her
nipples. His lips replaced his hands and he sucked at her,
teeth scraping with the lightest touch. Kathryn drew in a
gasp and he stopped. "All right?"

"...all right? I'm...don't stop."

"Never." He kissed her right nipple, tongue teasing, and
switched to the left. She could feel his smile against her
skin. He licked the underside of her breast. Muffled, he
said, "I'm never going to stop," and the vibrations as he
spoke tickled her and she laughed, squirming. He pushed
himself up on one arm. "You'll never be able to get me to
stop. Eventually they're going to wonder what happened to us
and Tuvok'll call down here and I'll tell him we're busy
and-"

"Hush." Laughing, the captain of the Voyager tugged at
Chakotay's arm, "You would. I can just hear you, you would-"
and he plunged his tongue into her mouth. She met it with
her own, tasting him, loving the feel of his mouth and his
hands.

He broke the deep kiss finally, lingering over her lips for
a moment. "I forgot," he murmured. "You're supposed to lay
still. This is my turn."

"Oh god, how can I, you're driving me crazy."

"Not yet," he promised, planting a kiss on her shoulder.
"But I will. You just wait."

Kathryn shook her head against the pillow, rolling her eyes,
but her hands clenched in anticipation. He took that as his
cue and picked up her left hand. He opened it gently,
placing a kiss on her palm, then licked between her fingers.
She shivered a little in surprise and he sucked on her
fingers, nibbling gently with his teeth. "Ooh...that's just
hands, how do you...?"

"Because. I told you. I want everything." Chakotay's face
was serious. He laid her left hand down and picked up the
right, repeating the caress.

No one had ever done quite this to her, it was the most
incredible...it made sense actually, there are a lot of
sensory receptors in the hands...she shivered again. Her
legs shifted, brushing against Chakotay. She slid over a
little, closer to him, watching his erection move gently as
he leaned over her. There was a drop of moisture on the tip
of his penis and she licked her lips, wanting to know his
taste. "Come closer," she whispered, inviting.

He followed the line of her eyes. "Not yet, I'll never last
that way. I want to make you come. I want to make you
crazy."

"Without you? Come here." Kathryn shifted her hips in
invitation, opening her legs a little further.

"Not without me. Just let..." and Chakotay brought his hands
to her inner thighs, smoothing, drawing his short nails up
over the tender skin at her hipbones. His fingers skimmed
her hair, the feather touch sending shivers up her spine.

She sucked in her breath. Her hips circled once, lifting
unconsciously toward him. Chakotay made a wordless sound in
the back of his throat and stroked her inner lips with his
fingertips. Kathryn moaned, just a little, and he leaned
closer, face intent. He shifted, sliding down, resting his
head on her thigh, concentrating as his fingers teased and
slid over her sex. His thumb circled her, tracing her
moisture, lightly touching but still moving, as she spread
her legs wider. When he licked her, she gasped. "Oh,
sweet...oh god, you're..."

Chakotay shifted again, sliding his hands under her ass to
lift her slightly to him. He thrust at her with his tongue
circling, listening to her breathing as it caught and
released, caught and released. He used more pressure now,
tongue dancing around her clit, stopping to blow warm air on
her and catch her shiver. He groaned against her, gripping
her thigh and her ass as her hips lifted and pushed back at
him. "You're...I can't-"

"Yes, you can." He stroked downward, thumb still circling
her. "Yes. I want it all." He moved back to her center,
lapping at her, feeling the strong muscles in her thighs
tighten around his head. Her hands clenched in his hair.
"Aah-god. God..." her legs stiffened and she thrust her
pelvis up, at his wonderful mouth. "God-god-aaahh-" He drank
her in, squeezing her thighs hard, as her stomach tightened
and her head snapped back. "Ooh-Chakotay-yes-I can't-AAHHH-"
and her pelvis bucked at him, control lost, groaning, "Oh
god, ah ah ah ah GOD!" The spasms locking her thighs, fists
pounded into the bed.

Chakotay rode it, tongue stroking her, his own breath in
harsh gasps, her muscles locked around him. He slowed, and
kissed her, sagging slightly to rest on her thigh again.

Kathryn tried to speak, breath still only sobs. "Oh. Oh.
God. Oh." Slowly her hands opened and she tossed her head,
her hair caught and sweat running down between her breasts.
"Oh love. I..."

Chakotay raised himself on shaky arms and enfolded her.
"Sssh."

Her heart pounded against his chest. She rolled close,
sliding one leg between his. "Oh. Oh..." She reached for his
erection, throbbing between her fingers. "Let me catch my
breath."

"Wait. Shhh. We have all the time in the world." He kissed
her sweaty forehead, licking at the salt as if he were a
hungry animal. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes bright,
all his senses alert.

"God, Chakotay." Kathryn reached to hold him close, wanting
to hug him with her whole body. "You're so beautiful."

He started in surprise, his dimples showing. "I'm supposed
to say that to you."

"Well, you are. And you know it. Don't tell me there haven't
been people panting after you the whole time."

"All right, I won't." He raised himself above her, grinning.

"Pretty full of yourself, aren't you, mister." Kathryn
opened her thighs to him, nudging under him to fit his penis
close to her.

"Right now I could-" he closed his eyes involuntarily as she
pushed upward on his cock, her lubrication easing the
movement. "Aah..." his hips shifted, sliding in and out,
"...I could lick the world."

"I feel like you just did," Kathryn laughed, but her voice
was a little shy.

"Oh. Oh. There--" Chakotay closed his eyes again. When he
opened them he stared into her eyes, his mouth open a
little, breathing deep. "You make me feel-"

"What?" Kathryn spread her legs as wide as she could,
pressing her arms against the mattress for leverage. She
rode with him. "What?" her voice a whispered invitation.

He shook his head helplessly. "I don't know. Give me time.
I'll think of the words."

"You do all right." She arched her neck, gasping. For a few
minutes, a long time, she didn't know, she just existed with
him, her brow creased in concentration. "Ooh. Yes-oh.
Oh--oh--god, I love you."

He reacted helplessly to her words, pausing in mid-stroke,
then slamming hard against her. His rhythm faster now. He
shifted his weight onto his knees, raising her up a little.
Fucking her as if his life depended on it. "Come
on...yes..." His movements short and hard as he held her
hips, his lips drawn back in a rictus of control. Sweat
dripped off his face and chest.

Kathryn was murmuring now, just his name and the heat
focusing in her, the breath she couldn't catch.
"Cha..kotay...oh OH OH..."

He slammed forward, on top of her, thrusting uncontrollably.
Her cunt spasmed around him and he threw his head up,
gasping, "Oh FUCK I'm gonna come I can't-" his hips pushing
blindly at her heat, unable to stop, the orgasm exploding
through him.

When he could see again he was crushing her, panting into
her shoulder. Kathryn lay under him, plundered, hair awry,
cheeks wet. "Oh god, did I hurt you?" He started to pull
away, shaking his head in apology.

"*Hurt* me...?" Kathryn chuckled low in her throat, her
breath still shuddering. "My god. Oh boy, did you not hurt
me."

"Okay...that kind of...got to me," Chakotay sagged beside
her, completely spent.

"Umm...hmmm..." she shook her head on the pillow. "We have
definitely got to make up for lost time." She drew herself
up raggedly and collapsed on top of him, nose to nose.

"Woman-"

"What." She drew her lips over his cheek, then rested her
face there. "God. I'm..."

"Hmm?" Chakotay's hands idly stroked her back as he panted
to catch his breath.

"I don't know, I'll think of something. But they better
watch out, that's all I can say." Eyes still closed, Kathryn
smiled hugely.

" 'They'?"

She waved that away. "Whoever. Whomever?" She giggled.

"Kathryn. You're giggling. You don't do that."

"Don't tell anybody. Then again, I don't do this, either."
She drew a lazy hand down Chakotay's torso and gave his
penis a friendly squeeze. He shifted under her and pushed up
into her hand, reflexively. "You're greedy."

"Um hmm." But he sat up halfway, holding an arm around his
captain to keep her from sliding off him. He kissed her
softly. "You taste good. All over."

She licked at his lips. "You didn't give me a chance to
return the favor."

"Then you owe me one." He squinted at her. "We have lots of
time now."

"Um hmm. Not all of it this morning, though."

"I suppose."

"Besides..." Kathryn levered herself up, using Chakotay as a
fulcrum. "Aren't you hungry?"

"Now that you mention it...yeah."

"Me too. Let me get you something." She slid off the bed and
leaned over him. "What would you like?"

Her breasts were only inches from his face and he yielded to
temptation, squeezing one and licking her nipple. "What do I
want?"

"God, you can't be serious. I don't know if I'll even be
able to sit down. And sooner or later, we've got to get to
the bridge."

He made a face at that, kissed her breastbone this time, and
got up. "You've made your point. All right, Captain," he
said, swinging his arms around her for a hug, then releasing
her, "what would you like for breakfast?"

She leaned on him for a minute more, then reached up to kiss
his chin. "Surprise me. I'm going to take a shower. Maybe
you could get another cup of coffee. We can share."

By the time Kathryn emerged from the bathroom, her wet hair
up in a towel, wrapping her bathrobe around her, Chakotay
had two cups of fresh coffee on the table, a basket of small
eka rolls, and a generous omelette on her plate. "Damn, that
looks good. I didn't realize it..." she blushed a little
bit, to her surprise, "but I'm starving."

"Can't have that," Chakotay shook his head. "Got to keep up
your strength."

"Yours too," she agreed, sliding a bare foot up his calf.

He grinned. "But you're the captain. God knows what your
crew is likely to ask of you."

"There's that. Here, have some, this is good." She broke off
a bite of the flaky roll and pushed in into his mouth. He
took it, nibbling her fingers in the process. She looked at
him with a grin, and then at herself. "Good god."

"What?" To her amusement, Chakotay leaned back in his seat,
perfectly composed, eating his breakfast as if he were in
the mess hall and it were of no consequence.

"Um...I was just noticing the contrast."

"Of?"

"Oh, where I was a week ago, what I was doing...what I've
been doing the last few hours...and going to the bridge as
soon as I finish cleaning up. You know. All that."

He shrugged. "You're the captain. You set the rules. And you
haven't had a morning to yourself in...how long?"

"Oh, I'm not feeling guilty. Quite the contrary. I was just
imagining going up there with you and...working through our
shift. For the next several years."

"Hold that thought." Chakotay raised himself up out of his
seat and leaned over the table to kiss her. Then he sat back
down and picked up his roll. "I don't see the problem."

"Um hmm. Well, I did it on purpose." She looked at Chakotay
out of eyes slightly narrowed. "I knew what I was letting
myself in for. Can you see Tom Paris when we get up there?
Doesn't even matter what we were actually doing."

"Audacity, Kathryn. Something you always manage to find. I
love you for that, too."

"Thank you." She calmly drank her coffee, her eyes
twinkling. But as she swallowed she sputtered a bit. "Oh,
my."

"Hmm."

"Tuvok. He's such a dear. I know you don't think so. But he
knew exactly what I was doing last night."

"Exactly?" Chakotay's dimples showed again.

Kathryn ignored that. "I mean when I called him. Oh, I
haven't told him anything. But he's known me for a long
time. I don't suppose he was too surprised."

Chakotay couldn't pass that up. "I was."

"Oh, love." She wanted to apologize again, but that would
serve no purpose. She couldn't change the past. And she had
been right, well, she had thought so at the time.

He was smiling, shaking his head at her. "Stop it, I didn't
mean it that way. Just that you're better than you realize
at keeping your thoughts to yourself."

"Oh. I hope so." She cast a glance at the disheveled bed,
then upward as if she could see the bridge from where she
sat. Then she looked at Chakotay, sitting at her table
eating breakfast, wearing only his skin and a grin on his
face. "Oh boy do I hope so. If you think the crew was
watching us before..."

"And they were."

"And they were," she agreed, "What do you think they're
going to do now?"

"Well..." he finished his roll and glanced around for a
napkin. Kathryn reached back to grab a tissue. He wiped his
lips, crumpled the paper, and stood up to clear his dishes.
"I think we should probably finish cleaning up, I'll grab a
shower and a clean uniform, and then-let's go find out."

"All right." Kathryn stood up and watched as Chakotay shoved
their dishes in the recycler. "God, you're handy to have
around."

He grinned and slipped his hands under her robe. "You're
just now figuring that out? Maybe you're not as smart as I
thought."

"I'm smart enough to know a good thing when I...um...get
it," she said, kissing him once and then again as if she'd
just discovered she liked it.

Chakotay leaned into the kiss, pulling the towel from her
hair and brushing the damp strands away from her forehead.
"Do we really have to-"

"Yes, we do," she sighed against his mouth. "I don't think
I'm quite prepared to make a full day of it. Not and have to
explain myself."

"You don't have to explain anything, you're the-"

"Hush," she said, placing her finger against his lips. "Go
get cleaned up. Come back when you're ready, I want us to go
on duty together."

"Kathryn," he said, smiling at her, hand under her chin,
"not only do I love you, but you've got balls. Well-" he
shook his head helplessly as she laughed. "You know what I
mean."

"Of course I do. I'm the captain. Biggest balls on the
ship." She kissed him one more time, open-mouthed. When she
broke the kiss she was smiling. "Hurry up. I want to get to
the bridge."

"I'm with you, Captain."

---

to be continued in 'Back to Work'