The BLTS Archive- Bedtime Story
Sixth in the Infinite Possibilities series
by Jen Ferris (kevas@aol.com)

---

Comments and crit - and in this case, arguments - me.

Actually, it's not what you're thinking, folks - well, not exactly.
This went in a direction that's not my usual.   Be warned:  there's
m/m in here as well as J/C.

And it *is* part of my Infinite Possibilities universe.  I expect a
few people will argue with that.  But still... yes, it is.

Disclaimer and rating: No minors, please.  And remember to thank the
creator Paramount, who had a good idea to begin with even if they
don't know what to do with it.

Time frame?  Oh... a ways down the road.

---

Janeway followed Chakotay from the holodeck, her hand lightly grasping
his.  It had been a wonderful evening.   As Chakotay summoned the
lift, she leaned against the bulkhead and smiled.  "Nice night.  It's
so strange.  I feel like our children are growing up."  At Chakotay's
laugh she shook her head.  "Yes, I'll admit it to you.  Don't tell
anybody.  I feel very maternal about Harry.  And he's on Cloud Nine.
Megan will be good for him."  She watched his expression curiously.
"What?  You don't agree?"

"No, no, I'm very happy for Harry.  I just don't feel parental, maybe.
And--yes.  Meggie will make him happy, I think."  He glanced sideways
at her. "I was worried about him for a while there."

They entered the vacant turbolift and Kathryn turned to him.  "About
Harry? Why?"

Chakotay pulled her tight against him.  There was no one to see if he
was indulging himself.  Appreciatively, he ran a hand along her back
and hip suggestively, his eyes warm with invitation.  But he answered
her question.  "I think there's a lot you don't know about Harry.
That's true for probably a lot of the crew, of course.  Some of them
wouldn't let you that close, and you don't push.  It's just that there
were a few times Harry used me as a sounding board."  He smiled
fondly, remembering.

"Ah.  Did he.  Well, you're good at that."

"So don't look so surprised.  There's a lot to Harry."

The lift doors were opening so she waited until they were safely in
her
quarters before continuing.  "Tell me about it."

Chakotay shrugged.  Janeway suddenly realized how that sounded.  "I
didn't mean it like that.  I wouldn't ask you to break a confidence.
But you've got me curious.  If there's any you could tell me--"

"Oh, nothing terribly secret.   I just happened to be there, a couple
times when he was down.  And I think he felt - not that I was a father
figure to him - that I was somebody he could talk to.  He's seen me a
few times when I wasn't at my best, either."  He brushed that aside
for the moment.  "I'll tell you about it sometime.  But a father
figure?  No.  He wasn't looking to please an impossible father, like
Tom, or forget one, like B'Elanna.  I think his parents are probably
pretty wonderful people.  But they were - maybe a little unworldly,
for him.  Full of bright hopes and sent him off to the Academy and
kept his illusions intact."

She nodded.  "And?"

"I think the Academy was quite an eye-opener for him.  A couple things
he told me about, people he got involved with...  nothing terrible,
just - a change for straight-laced Harry.  One person in particular
who hurt him very much.  Still, he's Harry.  He's a good person."

"I know that," Janeway protested.  "I'm just surprised to think of
him-"

"As anything other than the by-the-book kid?"

She shrugged.  "He was pretty much the quintessential cadet when he
came on board. I think he was scared to death of me." While she
talked, she moved about the room, slipping the combs from her hair and
taking off her dress.

"I think so too.  Afraid he'd do something wrong, afraid he couldn't
measure up.  But there's more to him than that."  Chakotay watched
her, appreciatively, as she put her civvies back in the wardrobe.  He
stripped off his own clothes and dropped them to the deck.

"I know that.  Look at the man he is.  I'm very proud of him."
Janeway smiled and climbed up on the bed next to Chakotay.

"Me too."  He settled her against him, kissing her hair and wrapping
his arms around her.

"Now you do sound a little paternal."

Chakotay shook his head, to disabuse her of that idea.  "He held my
hand, one night."

She half-turned in his arms.  "You're kidding."  When he didn't
answer, she prompted, "You going to tell me about it?"

"I'm more interested in you right now."   Their eyes met and Chakotay
leaned forward, nuzzling against her neck and down to her breast.

Janeway arched against him for a moment, and slid down on her back.
Her fingers scratched lightly up his thigh.  "I think you've diverted 
me. But I want to hear all about it sometime."

He smiled down at her, a predatory look on his face.  "Maybe.  If you
ask me nicely."

"Ah.  Well, now... "  She let her hand drift to the inside of his
thigh, and up.  "I don't know if I-"  She drew in a breath as Chakotay
squeezed her thighs, hard, and slid down between them.   The touch of
his lips made her arch her back and she gasped, silently.
"Sweetheart... "

His mouth was busy and he only murmured, "Hmmm?"

"Nothing.  Never mind.  I think it... can wait.   Oh... "  and she
forgot about Harry Kim for a while.


It was only after, when she lay in his arms, their breathing and
heartbeats slowing finally, that Janeway smiled in memory.  "I hope
..."

Idly, Chakotay stroked her back.  "What."

She raised herself up.  "I hope our newlyweds find themselves
something as nice as this."  She reached down and squeezed his penis,
affectionately.  Silently, Chakotay started to laugh, his chest
shaking a little under her.  Disconcerted, Kathryn waited it out.
"What?"

The dimples deepened in his cheeks.  "Nothing.  Sorry.  You just
reminded me of something."

Kathryn raised an eyebrow.  "All right, what did I say?  What set you
off?" Chakotay shook his head slightly with an it's-not-important
gesture.  That wasn't good enough for Kathryn.  "If I have to guess...
let's see, all I said was I hoped they found something as nice at home
as we've got."

"Um hmm."

"That's what made you laugh."

Chakotay pulled her close.  "Ah... well."  His eyes glinted and he
drew one knee up between her legs, rubbing gently.  "That's a bedtime
story, little girl."

"Is it."  Her voice was a little throatier this time.  "Well.  It's
nighttime. And we're in bed.  So:  I said, I hope they like at home-"

"As much as this," Chakotay added.

She still didn't get it, though.  "And?"

"And then you squeezed my dick."

"I--"  She drew back in surprise, a warning glint in her eye.
"Chakotay.  You didn't. Megan *Delaney*?"

"You make it sound so unthinkable.  Single man, single woman, a very
attractive woman now that you mention it... "

"I didn't mention it."  Oh, yes.  Her voice was definitely drier this
time.

He laughed again.  "And no.  I didn't."

Kathryn studied him a minute, and finally snuggled back. "Well then-"

"Um... " Chakotay stalled for a minute, not sure if she'd appreciate
this after all.

Kathryn waited, insinuating her hand between them, reaching down to
squeeze the dick in question again.  It stirred under her hand,
lengthening just a bit at her attention.  Suddenly she looked up at
Chakotay.  "Good god.  Harry?  You had a thing with HARRY?"

"It wasn't a 'thing'.  It wasn't like that, exactly."

Kathryn removed her hand promptly and rolled off Chakotay.   Propping
her head up with a fist, she said dubiously, "Well then how was it.
Exactly."

"You sure you want to hear this?"

"-yes.  I'm sure." Her expression added, 'and it better be good'.

"All right.  It was nothing for you to be concerned about, then or
now."  She waited.  Chakotay sighed.  He scrunched the pillow under
him and turned on his side, facing her.  "It wasn't that long after...
after they'd come and got us from New Earth."

"-ah."  A silent puff of sound.

"Not right after.  It was... you know.  We were trying so hard to just
be officers, you weren't talking to me much, it was very... well, you
remember."

Janeway nodded a little tightly.  "Yes."

"Well...  It was a hard time, right then."  Janeway held his gaze
resolutely, as if he were punishing her.  Chakotay reached out to
stroke her cheek.  "Don't, I don't mean to--  I'm just explaining how
it was for me.  I know it was just as tough for you.  I wasn't seeing
very clearly."

She nodded again, ceding that.  "I know.  So... "

"So it wasn't long after that there was all that shit we went through.
Seska. The Hanon.  Then it seemed we hardly got a breather, and I was
trying very hard to find an equilibrium, with you, with myself maybe.
I think we were finding it, tentatively, for a while there.  Then,
well there were the Borg, and... Riley Fraser."  This time Chakotay
looked away, a little extra color in his cheeks.  "I wasn't... "

She laid her hand on his.  "Don't, love.  I know.  Anyway.  You were
telling me how that led to Harry.  *Harry*," she added, a little
incredulously.

Chakotay let out a breath.  "Yes.  About Harry.  I was - I don't know
if you remember, or if you were really paying attention right about
then," he looked at her squarely.

"I was always paying attention."

"Maybe."

"I just didn't want to admit it."

He drew her hand back, and kissed it.  The brief touch turned into a
caress, and Janeway's eyes warmed.  "Go on.  I want to hear this."

"All right.  I guess I... " he hesitated.

"You started it.  Don't you dare hold out on me now."

He smiled again.  "All right.  So there I was, not doing too well, and
hoping nobody noticed, and I was feeling guilty and pretty much of a
worthless--"

"Good."

"... .you're enjoying that part, are you?"

"No, no," she murmured, protesting.

"Like hell.  All right, I was feeling like a worthless shit," he
repeated pointedly, "and not getting much help from you-"

Janeway shrugged, barely moving.  "Since you're about to tell me how
you moved from one infidelity to another, I'm probably not feeling as
sympathetic as I might."

"It wasn't infidelity.  I didn't have you to be unfaithful to," he
argued. Then he met her eyes.  "Well, maybe you could make a case
against Riley Fraser. But you'd be pushing it."   He gave up and got
on with it.  "And one night something just hit me, I don't even
remember now what set me off.  I took the safeties off and activated
Sandrine's."

"You took the-"

"Real whiskey, not synthehol."

"But you don't drink."

"Nope."

This time her gaze was a little more sympathetic.  Or maybe
empathetic.  "Did you get drunk?"

"Totally pissed."

"And you made a pass at Harry?"   She was clearly having trouble
picturing that.

"Do you want me to tell this story, or not?  And I did not make a pass
at Harry."

"Okay.  So you were plastered.  What did you do, pass out or
something?"

"No, no, I was upright.  I probably looked okay if you didn't look too
close. But Harry looked a little closer than that."

Chakotay fell silent, remembering.  Then he told Kathryn about it.

---

Sandrine's was almost empty that night.   There were a few holographic
characters around, and a couple security jocks, and Tom Paris was
shooting pool with Harry.  Pool was not Harry's game.  He gave it up
finally and looked around.   Commander Chakotay was in the corner.
That was unusual enough to set off a little alarm in his head.  "Damn,
look at that."

Paris turned around.  "What?"

"Chakotay.   And that doesn't look like synthehol."

"Come on, you can't tell if it's the real thing or not just from
looking at the drink."

"No.  But look at *him*."  Chakotay was leaning back in a booth, head
resting against the cushion, eyes focused on nothing.  There were
several glasses in front of him.  Only one was full.  His
expression... Harry didn't know what to make of it.  "He looks like
the whole world's on his shoulders."

Paris shook his head, almost sympathetically.  "Yeah, well, I think
things aren't too good upstairs right now.  You seen the way they
dance around each other?  It's getting worse all the time."

"I know."

"And you know he's got a hard-on for the captain.  It must be getting
to him."

"Don't talk that way, Tom."

"Why not?  Harry, he's just people.  She's just people.  You think
they don't ever-"

"No, I don't mean that.  It's just... I don't know, we shouldn't be
talking about them."

Paris shrugged.  "Hey, we're all in the same boat."

"Maybe."  Kim set the pool cue down.  "I'm going to go over there.
Maybe he feels like talking."

"To Ensign Kim.  Yeah, right."

"Listen to yourself, Tom."  Harry's dark eyes flashed with anger.
"Everybody needs a friendly face to talk to sometimes.  Everybody."

"Not him.  He doesn't need a damn thing, he's made *that* clear often
enough. Go ahead, make a fool out of yourself.  He won't want to talk
to you."

It took a lot to rile Harry Kim.  Tom Paris was managing it this
evening.  "Go away, Tom.  If he doesn't, it's no big deal.  I'm just
trying to help."

A little hurt, Paris picked up his drink and tossed it back.  "Yeah.
Right. I'm outta here."  He walked out of the bar, shaking his head.
Harry could be such an asshole sometimes.   He didn't turn around.

Kim walked quietly over to Chakotay's booth, debated a minute when the
commander didn't even look up, and slid onto the seat.  "Hi."

After a moment, Chakotay focused his eyes on the young man.  "Oh,
hell," he frowned.

Harry's expression closed down.  "Oh.  Okay, I got it."  He started to
push away.

Chakotay's hand clamped onto his wrist.  "No, no.  I didn't mean-"  He
sighed. "Just-shit.  What do you want, Harry?"

Kim held onto his patience. "I don't 'want' anything, Commander.  You
just looked a little down and I thought you might want someone to talk
to."

Chakotay closed his eyes and let his head fall against the back of the
booth again.  "Oh.  I look as bad as I feel, huh?  No.  Couldn't look
that bad.  Shit."  His expression darkened even more.

"Well, if you're feeling that way, maybe not.  I mean-you never look
bad, it's just that-oh  hell.  I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to intrude."

"Doesn't matter.  Thanks.  Go away."  Chakotay shook his head, but
stopped abruptly, his hand gripping the edge of the table.

"Um... Commander. --Chakotay?"  Harry snapped his fingers abruptly, a
few inches away from the other man's face.  "Oh, man.  You're really
drunk.  Maybe you ought to go home."

"Yes.  I'm really drunk.  No.  No reason to go home.  Nothing there."

He wasn't making much sense, but Harry had had a lot of practice with
drunks, and Chakotay had listened, one night, when he poured out his
heart, remembering one particular drunk at the Academy.  "Sir?  I
think you should go home. Really.  Here.  I'll help."  He tugged at
Chakotay experimentally.

It was like moving a rock.  No movement whatsoever.  He tried again.
"Come on. I don't know what's bothering you, but you'll feel better
after you sleep. Trust me."

"Gods."  Another explosive sigh, then nothing.  Finally Chakotay
looked at Harry. "Fine.  All right.  I'll go home.  Nothing for me
here either. Nothing."  He straightened up a little too quickly.
"Uh."   The world spun and then settled down, barely.  "Maybe I should
stay here."  He looked down at the table, the center of the universe.
"This's fine."

"We can do better than that.  Come on."  Carefully, Harry eased
Chakotay away from the booth.  The older man swayed and put a hand on
his face, wiping angrily at it.  Harry took the hand and drew
Chakotay's arm over his shoulder. "I'll help."

"No.  I can do it."  Chakotay stood for a moment, weaving, and then
straightened.  He put one foot in front of the other, focusing on the
job.  They made it to the entrance, and Harry looked back into
Sandrine's.  There were no more crewpeople here.

"Computer, end program."  The smoky bar disappeared.  Chakotay didn't
seem to notice.  "You're welcome," Kim muttered under his breath.

"Oh."  Still moving forward - very slowly - Chakotay nodded.  He
didn't look at Kim.  He focused on his goal, walking upright to the
lift, and didn't spare much attention for anything else.  "It was my
program, my credits."

"I thought maybe."

"Uh."  They were at the turbolift door now, and Chakotay braced one
hand against the bulkhead.  Kim waited for a moment, but there was no
further sound or movement.  Chakotay's eyes were closed again.

"Let's get you home."  Harry palmed the lift signal.  "Officer's
quarters."  He tugged until Chakotay stepped inside, sagging against
the interior wall.   The ride, thirty seconds or so, felt endless.

Finally.  The right deck.  "Come on.  Not much further."  He leaned
against the open door, holding it open until Chakotay could make his
body move.  The grim determination on Chakotay's face didn't lighten
until they were outside the first officer's quarters.  He didn't
activate the door.  Harry sighed.  "You'll have to open the door.  I
don't have the code."

Chakotay's put a hand on the wall, holding on. "Yeah."

But he didn't move.  Great.  The captain would probably come down the
corridor any minute and see them.  Harry was pretty sure Chakotay
wouldn't want anything like that to happen.  Finally he lifted
Chakotay's arm, slid under it to support the man, and pressed
Chakotay's palm against the signal.   The door slid open and they
stumbled inside.

Chakotay stood there, swaying, in the middle of the room.  The only
light came from the starlight at the viewport.   Hell, Chakotay would
probably run into something.  "Computer?  Lights, ten percent."  Not
enough to be painful, if the first officer was as bad off as Harry
suspected.

He'd never been here before and looked around curiously for a moment.
It was very neat.  Well, Chakotay didn't have a lot of things.  He'd
replicated or made a few personal decorations, probably with some
meaning that Harry didn't know.  But the room was too quiet, too
impersonal but for those few touches.  He shook his head in sympathy.
There was probably a lot he didn't know.   But this man was alone most
of the time.  It was just a damned shame, that's all.

He suddenly realized that Chakotay was fumbling, trying to remove his
tunic, and not doing very well.  And that his face was covered with
sweat.   Harry had a pretty good idea what that meant.   He walked
closer and finished undoing the shirt buttons that Chakotay couldn't
seem to manage.   "I think you'd better get in there," he said
quietly, nodding toward the bathroom.

"Uh huh," Chakotay said thickly, looking too disoriented to move.  His
breath was rapid and shallow.

"I think it'd better be now," Kim said, and put an arm around
Chakotay's waist, guiding him.

"Oh shit."  Without another word, Chakotay tried to hurry.  Harry
helped him. They made it through the small doorway, awkward, and
Chakotay grunted and sat down quickly on the floor.  "I'm all right.
I-"  and he tried to breathe through it.

"Put your head down."

"Yeah."  But Chakotay didn't move for a minute.  Then he did, twisting
around as his stomach heaved.  He got to the toilet just in time to
vomit.  Once, twice.

Harry sat against the other wall, forearms resting on his knees.  He
remembered the endless times at the Academy dorm, when Jase had
upchucked, night after night, always coming back, always saying he was
sorry, he wouldn't do it again. Then he did it again, whatever 'it'
was, that time.

He'd had a lot of practice with drunks, by then.  And Chakotay had
listened, one night not too many months ago, when the memory had
triggered and he'd admitted it wasn't only Libby he missed. He missed
Jase, or just the hunger he'd felt then, maybe.  Either way, Chakotay
had been willing to listen as he'd fumbled and tried to talk about it,
finally, after years of keeping it all bottled up.   And the first
officer had said almost nothing, just shaking his head sympathetically
once in a while and offering no platitudes, just his understanding.
That had been worth a lot, right then.  More than a lot.

So he'd sit here while Chakotay threw up, and wait to see if there was
anything he could do.  It looked like it was finally over.  Chakotay
rested his face on the edge of the toilet, breathing a little more
steadily.  "Fuck," he said finally.  "Fuck."  He drew back then,
slumped against the wall.  One hand reached out to the flush
mechanism, and the sound reverberated in the head.  They sat in
silence for a few minutes.  Finally Chakotay stirred and looked over.
"You're still here."

"Yeah."

"Sorry."  But that seemed to be about all Chakotay could manage.

"Don't worry about it."  Kim watched carefully.  The worst was
probably over, but Chakotay still looked like hell.

"Gods... go away now, Harry.  I don't really feel like talking."
Chakotay slid carefully up the wall, using the seat of the toilet for
leverage, and looked down at himself.  "I need a shower. I need to...
"

"Get some sleep, maybe.  Come on, I'll give you a hand."  Harry stood
easily, trying to urge Chakotay back into the sleeping room.

"No.  I need a fucking shower."  But Chakotay fumbled with the
controls, his hand slipping, his balance precarious.

"All right," Kim said placatingly.  "Okay.  Here."  He reached inside
the shower unit, switching from sonics to water, adjusting the
temperature as the water streamed down.  "Not too hot, you don't want
to shock your system.  Can you manage?"

"Yeah.  I just need to... just need to... world keeps slipping on me."

"Um... Chakotay... "  Harry pointed downward.

Chakotay followed his gaze.  "What."

"Pants."

"Oh.  Yeah."  Chakotay fumbled with the catch on his trousers, pulling
his underwear down at the same time. He sat down suddenly on the
toilet seat, nearly falling.  "Shit.  Boots."  He leaned down to pull
them off, and weakened suddenly, resting his head in his hands.  "I
don't know, Harry.  Can't stop it.  Can't turn it off."

"It'll be all right."  Harry knelt down, tugging at Chakotay's boots.
He couldn't fix whatever was bothering the man, but he could help him
get the damn shower and then to bed.  That much he could do.

Naked, Chakotay stood back up, his eyes clenched as if to shut out -
whatever it was.  He stumbled into the stall, leaning back unsteadily
against the wall, letting the water beat over him.  He didn't close
the door, or reach for the soap.

There was water all over the floor.  "Chakotay." The man stirred, but
didn't answer. "Close the door.  Wash off.  You know.  Shower."

"Yeah.  All right."  He reached out and pulled the door closed.  There
was no other sound for a minute, and Harry stared at the shower,
hoping the commander could manage to move in there without drowning or
slipping and breaking something.

A rustle of movement.  A muffled curse, then two.  Chakotay didn't
emerge.  Harry waited.  Finally he shrugged to himself, and opened the
stall door.  Chakotay was leaning forward this time, his forehead
touching the wall under the showerhead.  He was braced with his arms,
fists clenched.

"Come on.  Now you can get to bed."  Harry reached in and pulled
Chakotay out, getting soaked in the process.  It didn't matter.  He
snapped the controls off and grabbed a towel, offering it to Chakotay.

No move to take the towel, either.  Chakotay levered himself upright
again, but stood there, unblinking now.  Okay, we'll do this the hard
way, Kim thought. He tugged gently on Chakotay's arm and pulled him
out onto the cold floor. "Doesn't matter if you dry off, I guess.
Let's get you to bed," he repeated quietly.

"No.  Doesn't matter," Chakotay said thickly.  He allowed Harry to
lead him into the bedroom, and dropped heavily onto the mattress, flat
on his back. Harry tugged at the blanket, grunted against Chakotay's
dead weight, and finally nudged at his hip to get Chakotay to lift up.
Chakotay jumped at the touch, as if he'd hit a funny bone or
something.

"Sorry.  Help a little here, you need to get covered up."

Chakotay looked as if he were finally paying attention, at least, and
he lifted his body easily this time.  Harry slipped the blanket out
and over the first officer.  Chakotay allowed it, and then lay back,
staring at the ceiling.

There were tears in his eyes, rolling silently down his cheeks.  Oh,
hell.  Kim sat on the floor beside the bed.  "You want to talk about
it?"

A long silence.  "Christ, I'm still drunk.  The room won't stop
spinning.  No. I don't want to... It's just so hard, she won't--" and
Chakotay stopped, as if his throat hurt him.  He swallowed twice.
Finally he took a deep breath, and another, the sound close to a sob.
He shook his head, and turned over on his side, facing Harry.  "I'm
supposed to just let it be.  I can't find the-"

He stopped himself again and looked at Kim.  "This must remind you of
Jason, I'm sorry, tucking in a drunk old man."  He reached out and
roughly stroked Harry's hair.  "Sorry."

"Only a little.  And you're not an old man.  It's--I wish I could
help."  He carefully didn't ask what else Chakotay was talking about.
If the man wanted to talk, well that was different.  But he was
keeping it all bottled up.. Harry could guess, but he wasn't going to.

"Nobody can help.  But thank you.  I--" A spasm crossed Chakotay's
face and he wiped a clumsy hand over his eyes.  "Stop it."

Harry leaned away.  "What?"

"No.  The room.  It won't stay still."  A short bark, a sort of
laughter. "Alone.  I'm sorry."

"Don't keep saying that.  It's all right.  Go to sleep, if you can."

"Yeah."  Chakotay fell silent again.  Harry leaned back against the
wall at the wall beside the bed, wondering if he should just leave.
But he didn't, not yet.  Just in case there was something...
Chakotay lay there, eyes still open, looking at nothing.  Another tear
slipped out.  Finally he closed his eyes, maybe drifting in and out of
sleep.

Harry got up finally.  He crossed to the replicator and ordered a
hypospray.  Chakotay didn't need to be hung over when he woke up, he
could do that much at least.  Then he'd leave.

When he administered the shot, Chakotay jumped as if he'd been stung.
His eyes popped open and he grabbed Harry's arm before Kim could move
away.  "What--"

"Shh, it's nothing, just a hypo.  You'll feel better in the morning."
He'd caught Harry by surprise.  He lost his balance and half-fell
against the blanket, his far arm splayed out to keep from collapsing
against Chakotay.

"Uhn.  Jesus, you're cold," Chakotay plucked at Harry's wet sleeve.
"Take that off, you'll get sick."

Harry tried to move back, but Chakotay's arm was heavy around him,
holding him momentarily in place.  "It's okay, I'll--" but Chakotay's
eyes were closed again.  Damn, he thought.  He thinks I'm staying
here.

He didn't move, braced awkwardly away from the other man, remembering
how it had felt to wake up night after night, when he'd wanted so much
to find somebody there who never came home.  His mouth firmed.  All
right.  Maybe just having a warm body to hold, maybe that was
something.  Better than nothing.

He knew it didn't mean anything.  Carefully, he slid backwards,
sitting up when he could and reaching down to pull off his boots.
Better the uniform too, he realized.  It was wet and cold.

He stretched out alongside Chakotay, the blanket between them, and
pulled Chakotay's arm back into place before he turned over and
settled into the pillow.  Hell, if he laughs at me when he wakes up,
it won't matter.  I can do this much.  It doesn't mean anything.

He drifted off to sleep finally, a little cold without the covers,
listening to Chakotay snore.


Something woke him up suddenly.  From the way he felt, it had only
been a couple of hours.  Maybe I should slip away now, before he even
realizes I was here.  Better that way.  I can't fix it, whatever it
is.

Then he realized what he was hearing.  Chakotay was snugged tight
against his back, leg thrown over him.  He had what felt like a huge
erection pressed against Harry's back, and he was crying in his sleep.

Oh, shit.  Harry's heart turned over a little.  He's got it bad.  He
shifted a bit, trying to put a little distance between them, to give
Chakotay that privacy even if the man was asleep.

Moving was a mistake.  At the slight shifting, Chakotay's arm
tightened around him and he jerked awake, obviously disoriented.  The
only thing he said was, "Kath?"

Harry sucked in his breath.  Everybody had wondered about Chakotay and
the captain.  Now maybe he knew.  Or knew what Chakotay wanted,
whether he had it or not...   but it was too late to hide.  Chakotay
pulled him close and his eyes opened.  And then opened further, with
shock.

"Sorry," Harry whispered.  "It's only me."

"What are you... oh fuck."  Chakotay slid away a fraction and fell
back onto the pillow.  "Did I... I'm sorry.  I didn't mean--"

"You didn't do anything."

"Fuck."

Harry tried to smile. "Nope.  You didn't."

The joke fell flat.  "You got me home, didn't you.  Yeah.  Thanks."

Chakotay's expression was close to breaking Kim's heart.  You didn't
have to be in love to know hurt when you saw it.  "I'm sorry," he
said, still whispering. "You were dreaming, I think.  About the... "
but he didn't say it.

"Oh christ, now I'm advertising it."  Chakotay's fists clenched
helplessly at his sides.

"You didn't even say anything, not really."  His words weren't getting
through.  It hadn't been long enough for the poison to leave his
system, Chakotay was probably still drunk.  Harry reached over,
turning Chakotay to face him.  "It's all right.  I wouldn't say
anything."

"There's nothing to say anyway."  The tone bitter.

"Shh.  Then you aren't... you and she aren't... "

Chakotay sucked in a breath.  "No.  No.  We're... I shouldn't talk
about it. I can't talk about it."

No.  I suppose not.  "Look," Harry said, trying to think of something,
anything, to say.  "It'll get better."

"Yeah.  Maybe."  Chakotay was withdrawing.

"I can't help with that."

"Didn't ask you to.  Didn't mean to."

"But you should get some sleep."  Harry shifted sideways a little,
looking at Chakotay finally.  "You need it."

"I know."  But Chakotay's eyes were wide open, staring at something
Harry couldn't see.

"Let me help."  The words slipped out before Harry had thought them
through, but he didn't take them back.

"You can't help."

"Sure I can.  Just for tonight, I mean."  Now that he was here, well,
why not. Sometimes you just had to get through the night.  Harry
understood that much.  Chakotay looked over at him, eyes narrowed a
little, trying to focus in the dim light. Harry smiled finally.  "Sure
I can."  He reached out a little, resting his hand on the bulge of
Chakotay's fading erection.

Chakotay sucked in a breath.  "Stop it."

"Why?" Harry measured carefully between them, trying to find the words
that would make this okay, without either of them getting the wrong
idea. "It... wouldn't be my first time.  You know that.  Probably not
yours either.  I'm here, that's all."

"You just brought me home, before I passed out in public.  I don't
need to make a bigger fool of myself than I already have."

"It's not like that," Harry demurred.

"Don't." Chakotay said, his voice a little stronger.  "I don't need a
mercy fuck."

"Maybe not," Harry said.  "Maybe just a little TLC.  We all need that,
sometimes."

He drew the blanket away from Chakotay slowly, leaving time for a
protest if Chakotay really meant it.  But there was no sound, of anger
or concession either.  Harry slid down, letting his hands move gently
on Chakotay's chest.  He nestled close to Chakotay's lap, breathing in
the scent of clean perspiration, and closed his mouth around
Chakotay's limp cock.  There was a jolt, as if an electric shock had
run through the man's body, but still no sound.  Nothing.  Harry took
that as an affirmative and stayed where he was, sucking gently.

Finally Chakotay took a breath, through clenched teeth.  "It's...
don't, Harry. Stop now.  Please."

But there was a strange quiescence in his voice, no strength or
determination, and Harry decided to ignore it.  He withdrew a little,
for breath, but kept his fist wrapped around Chakotay's penis as he
lapped at the head.  "No," he said after a moment, withdrawing.  "I
want to."

"Why?"  A whisper only.

"Because I'm here," Harry said in answer, "because I can.  Sometimes
it's good to give.  I owe you."

"You don't owe me anything."

"Let me."  And he leaned forward, sucking hard again.  This time there
was an answering surge, of blood, of reaction, and suddenly the dick
in his mouth wasn't soft anymore, but growing.

Chakotay groaned, a sound from deep in his throat.  "Gods... I can't."

"Don't," Harry murmured.  "It's all right.  I'm not asking for
anything.  I'm just taking."  He stroked Chakotay's inner thighs,
fingers pushing into the muscle, and lowered his head again.

Silence that lasted a long time, probably a full minute or two.  Then
Chakotay groaned again, but the sound was different now, and he
unwound his hands and brought them to Harry's head.  Urging him, but
not to pull away, this time.  Pushing him down onto his cock.
Suddenly he was participating, his hips clenching, thrusting forward.
Harry had to move back a little to breathe, but he kept sucking,
murmuring deep in his throat, and pulled Chakotay's ass closer,
burying his face as close as he could and working his throat around
the cock that was now stiff and pulsing in his mouth.

It didn't take long.  Chakotay removed his hands suddenly, maybe aware
that he was close to choking Harry, and curled his knees up, thrusting
hard into the hot mouth that engulfed him.  He cried out, "Aah, gods,
AHH," and came with no other warning, shooting his sperm deep into
that welcoming throat, spasming without control.

Gasping a little when he couldn't breathe, Harry kept sucking, milking
every drop, his face still buried in Chakotay's lap.  When it finally
stopped he waited, his heart pounding.  Finally Chakotay pulled away,
his breath harsh.  "Oh god.  Oh.  Oh."

Harry moved back, bending to add one last kiss.  Then he straightened
on the bed, his own heart pounding as he caught his breath.  "There.
There," he whispered.  "That was good.  That was fine."

He was jerked roughly upward.  Chakotay's arms gripped him and pulled
him close, to look him in the eye.  "Why?  Why did you do that?"

"It's okay.  It's... "  He stopped as Chakotay's hands scrubbed down
Harry's body, finding the briefs that had never been removed.

"Take those off."

"You don't have to--" but there were warm hands on him suddenly,
pulling the shorts away and tossing them to the deck.  Chakotay thrust
one leg between Harry's and reached down to trap Harry's erection.
"Is this because of me?  Or just-"

"Just... it doesn't matter. Go to sleep."  But his words were stopped.
Chakotay slid his hand behind Harry's head and sealed his mouth with a
kiss.  But not roughly.  Almost tenderly.  He kissed him, and ran his
hand down Harry's flank.  Then he moved away, just a little, and
grasped Harry's cock in his fist. Harry shook his head on the pillow.
"You don't need to... " he began, repeating himself.

"Shhh.  Shut up."  And Chakotay claimed Harry's mouth again.  His hand
pumped, gently at first, then harder.  His other hand pulled him
closer, twining in the thick hair, and he stayed there, kissing,
licking gently at Harry's jaw and mouth, while his hand worked and
pulled and pumped.

It was quick for Harry too.  The electricity in the air suddenly, or
maybe just his youth... he gasped and pushed into Chakotay's hand, his
toes curling at the friction, and with a sudden cry he said, "Oh I'm-"
and spasmed, the ejaculation taking him by surprise.  "AHHHH-" as he
spurted all over Chakotay's chest.

There was a twisted expression on Chakotay's face, warm and softer
now, as he raised himself over Harry, spent and gasping on the pillow.
"You all right?"

"... Oh yeah."

Sheer concentration now.  "Why did you do that?"

"Why did you?" Harry finally asked, still shuddering.  Chakotay just
waited.  Harry smiled strangely.  "Maybe I wanted you."

"No.  I don't think so."  But Chakotay lowered his head until their
foreheads touched.  "I think you're beautiful and very kind."

Harry shook his head.  Chakotay slid down until they were nestled
together, a sad smile on his face.  He didn't say anything else, just
sighed and let his arm fall over the young man's chest.

They went to sleep that way.  Harry never mentioned, then or
afterward, the tears that slid down Chakotay's face.

---

It was a very strange awakening, when the morning alarm sounded.
Chakotay jolted, instantly alert.  He started in surprise when he
realized who was spooned into him.

Harry opened his eyes, wincing a little, but turned bravely to face
Chakotay. The first officer was staring down at him, his expression
unreadable.  "Good morning," Harry offered.

Chakotay sat up, slowly, until his feet were firmly on the deck, his
head in his hands.  After a moment he looked over at Harry.  "I don't
even have a headache.  Thank you for that."

Harry sighed in relief.  After that... surprising... night, it was
okay, at least.  No recriminations.  "You're welcome."  He pulled
away, reaching for his clothes.  He dressed in silence.  Chakotay
stayed on the bed, his forearms resting on his knees, watching without
a word.

Finally Kim turned.  "If I hurry, I've got time for breakfast before
the shift starts.  I'll see you up there."

The reserve was back in Chakotay's face.  But he stirred at that.
"Harry."

"Yeah."  A little color in Kim's cheeks.

"Thank you seems sort of a stupid thing to say.  I'm sorry I was so...
I'm sorry I was drunk.  I'm sorry if it wasn't what you wanted."

Harry hesitated.  "I'm only sorry I can't give you what you really
want," he said finally, knowing he was out of line, but wanting to
offer that small human comfort.  "But other than that--I'm glad I was
there."

Chakotay got up then and walked with him to the door. "I guess I--"
he stopped, whatever he was going to say trapped in his throat.

Harry cleared his throat. "I'll see you on the bridge."

"Yes."  As Harry turned to go, Chakotay stopped him.  He reached out,
roughly, and touched Harry's cheek, not quite a caress. "Thanks
for..."

"Seeing you home."

The first glint of humor. "All right.  That too."

"See you later, Commander."

---

Janeway's eyes were bright with affection, and maybe a little prurient
interest.  "And he never said anything after that?"

Chakotay stroked her as she snuggled close.  "Never said anything,
never alluded to it.  The best part was, he didn't try to avoid me
either.  He didn't make it awkward.  He was just... Harry.  Bright,
and friendly, and trying to do a good job."

"That's sort of wonderful."  Janeway sighed.  "But I wish I'd known,
then."

He tilted her head up, brushing his thumb across her mouth.  "If I'd
been able to tell you then, to talk to you about it, it would never
have happened."

"I know."  She leaned back to watch him.  "I'm glad he was there for
you."

"Me too.  That TLC... a little tender loving care... it gave me a
moment of peace, maybe.  Something to remember, when I couldn't find
any... well.  When I wasn't able to reach for what I wanted."

She closed her eyes, brushing her cheek against his fingers.  "I'm so
sorry.  I never meant to put you through that."

"It doesn't matter now.  But if I have a little bit of a soft spot for
Harry, you'll understand better, maybe."

She nodded, then couldn't resist the teasing. "Good mouth?"

His smile deepened.  "Not bad.  For a youngster."

"You're telling me we get better with age?"

He pulled her close.  "What do you think?"

She sighed and nestled against him.  "I think I said already.  I hope
he has something as wonderful as this at home.  Or it grows into
something this wonderful."

Then, as Chakotay nodded agreement, she reached to squeeze his dick
again. "Well... I don't want you to get the wrong idea.  Maybe not
*this* wonderful."

He just smiled.

---

to be continued in 'Vocation'