The BLTS Archive - Searching for Home
By Elorie Alton (SASFTWORTH@aol.com)

---

Disclaimer: All Voyager characters are the property of
Paramount. No copyright infringement is intended.

---

//I watch the beautiful blue and green planet steadily swell
larger in the view screen as Voyager heads for home. It
feels strange to be at the helm. For many years I held on to
the dream that I would be beside Kathryn at this moment. We
would be in our command chairs and she would take my hand
and tell me that she has loved me for all these years. Then
she would tell me that she wanted to be with me for the rest
of our lives and I would be home.

"Commander, you have the bridge," I turn to see her walking
to the turbolift. For a moment she looks back to me, and I
think I see sadness in her eyes. An expression I've seen
before somewhere, on someone else's face: I just can't quite
put my finger on it. A sadness that is quickly hidden by
that damned command mask she wears.

I though she would be happy to be back in the alpha quadrant
after spending so much of her energy for the last seven
years to obtain that goal. I turn the helm over to the
relief pilot and walk to my chair.

Seven smiles at me from the duty station behind the command
seats. She is accessing various astrometrical readings
obtained from the trip through the Borg transwarp system. I
know she wants me. She told me so. Kathryn has not. She is
not Kathryn, but at least she wants me. I don't want to move
on but since Kathryn doesn't want me, I decide it's time.

I allow my anger to emerge. I take it out and look at it,
for the first time realizing how many years I've hidden it.
Kathryn has again chosen Starfleet over me. There was a time
on New Earth that I thought she loved me and that gave me
peace. I thought we would build a life together, but then
Voyager came back. I nurtured my love with the hope that she
would come to me if I just waited long enough.

And I waited even through that incident with Kashyk. I don't
know if they were lovers; I always hoped that they weren't.
The incident with Jaffen was the beginning of the end for
me. She moved in with him, and she had only known him a
couple of weeks. I knew then that she didn't love me that
she had probably never loved me. It hurt to know that they
were intimate. I don't know if my heart will ever be the
same. It doesn't want to move on, but my mind tells me that
it is time. I need to settle somewhere. I need to find a
home.

---

The debriefings didn't last long as we had previously sent
all our logs to Starfleet headquarters through the
Pathfinder communications. None of the senior staff had much
contact with each other while the interviews were taken. I
occasionally saw Kathryn in the hallways, passing each other
as we went from one meeting to another.

There was that same familiar sadness in her eyes for a
moment and then she would smile and ask me how things were
going. I would tell her that things were fine, and ask the
same question. I thought that even friends shared more. I'd
ask myself why and get angry all over again. After a while
the anger burned out and I was left with that familiar
emptiness that I tried to fill with Seven.

I expected to be arrested upon our arrival and even feared
that I would be sent to Cardassia. I hadn't trusted the
information sent to us by Starfleet. I found instead a new
attitude. The Maquis had been proven right with the Dominion
War and public opinion had turned against those who had
tried to appease the Cardassians.

I soon learned my fear of being sent to Cardassia was also
unfounded. When the Dominion finally retreated back to the
Gamma Quadrant, they left behind a ruined planet. The cities
were piles of rubble and over eight hundred million
Cardassians were dead. The price of their leaders' arrogance
was devastation.

The Maquis had been pardoned during the Dominion War.
Considering the loss of personnel caused by that war,
Starfleet needed people with the kind of deep space
experience that Voyager's crew had gained in the Delta
Quadrant. My Maquis crew found themselves welcomed with open
arms.

Kathryn fought for the remaining Equinox crewmembers. Many
in Starfleet wanted to give them prison time for their
crimes, but Kathryn wouldn't give up until they were given
general discharges and allowed to get on with their lives.

Promotions were given out. Tuvok and I became Captains. Tom
and B'Elanna were made Lieutenant Commanders and Harry Kim
was bumped up to full Lieutenant. Kathryn was offered a
promotion to Admiral and then seemed to disappear. Wherever
she was, I'm sure it was on some important Starfleet
business. She was an Admiral after all.

As I had no desire to return to space, I was offered a
teaching position at the Academy. I wanted to teach
anthropology; they needed someone to teach tactics. They
made it clear how badly my experience was needed so we
reached a compromise. I was assigned to the anthropology
department, but I also taught advanced tactics to the
command classes.

I kept my promise to stay within transporter range of Seven,
but she soon lost interest in our relationship. Before long
she began to spend more and more time with Reg Barclay. They
made a strange couple; both intelligent to the point of
genius and both immature in their interactions with other
people. They found in each other a person to grow with. I
wasn't surprised that she broke our relationship off. I was
surprised at the relief I felt when it was over.

To be perfectly honest, Kathryn did leave me a couple of
messages. As she didn't know about the breakup, I deleted
them before I read them. Pity was the last thing I wanted
from Kathryn.

We had been back for a few months when B'Elanna invited me
to dinner. I hadn't seen my friends in many weeks so I
decided to accept. She actually invited both Seven and I,
because I hadn't told them about the breakup. I guess I
finally will. I haven't told anyone yet.//

---

Chakotay activated the call signal at the Paris' door. He
juggled the flowers for B'Elanna and the bottle of wine for
Tom. He felt guilty because he hadn't seen them in a while.
He really hadn't seen anyone. He had spent his days between
his classroom and his small apartment. A lonely existence;
well, he'd change that now. He decided to concentrate on his
friends and forget about romantic relationships for the time
being.

B'Elanna opened the door to see a windblown Chakotay
standing alone on her front porch.

"Come in, old man," she laughed, pulling him inside the
house and out of the cool spring breeze. She continued to
pull him into her arms for a bear hug. "I've missed you so
much." She looked around his shoulder and asked, "Where's
Seven?"

"I'm sorry, she couldn't. . . "

He stopped as a familiar throaty laugh drifted into the
entranceway and turned to see Kathryn Janeway enter the room
closely followed by both Tom and his old friend Mike Ayala.

"Miral is growing so fast, Tom. She is bigger every time I
see her." Kathryn stopped when she saw Chakotay standing
inside the door. She smiled her crooked smile. "Captain
Chakotay, it's good to see you. Where is Seven?"

B'Elanna took the flowers and wine as Chakotay answered.
"She couldn't come with me, Admiral." He turned to the other
man. "How have you been, Mike?"

"Fine. I'm glad to see you. I'm sorry we can't stay long,
Kathryn and I just stopped for a moment to see the baby."

Chakotay saw that strange sad look in Kathryn's eyes as Mike
held her coat for her. Before he could say anything else
they were out the door and getting into the hover car parked
in front of Tom and B'Elanna's house.

He watched through the living room window as they drove
away.

"How long has that been going on?" He turned to B'Elanna,
his eyes dark with emotion, his hands clenched into fists.

"What are you talking about, Chakotay?"

"Ayala and the Admiral. How long have they been together?
When she just disappeared after the debriefings I thought
she was on some Starfleet mission. I didn't know she was
with him."

"Not that it's any of your business, Chakotay, but Kathryn
and Mike are not a couple and she didn't disappear. She just
went home to Indiana for an extended leave. Her mother is
very ill and Kathryn is taking care of her. You've just been
too busy with your own life to notice. By the way, why
couldn't Seven come with you tonight?" she asked, trying to
change the subject.

Chakotay ignored the last question and plowed on. "If they
are not a couple, what was she doing here with him?"

B'Elanna sighed, growing more and more irritated with her
old friend. There were things that she had wanted to say to
him for some time. She looked over his shoulder to see Tom
standing in the door motioning for her to go on.

"Kathryn is caring for her mother, and she is also
cataloging a lot of the science data we brought back with
Voyager. Sam Wildman is assisting her with the project. Sam
and Naomi are staying with Kathryn and Lieutenant Ayala is
acting as her liaison to headquarters. She is going to
sponsor Mike in command school. Sam and Mike are the couple,
not Mike and Kathryn. Chakotay, you are the one that
disappeared, not Kathryn. Now is Seven coming later? Dinner
is going to be cold."

"Seven's not coming, B'Elanna. We broke the relationship
off," he said calming down a little.

"But she is the love of your life! You can't have broken
up."

"Where did you get an idea like that?"

"From Kathryn," she answered.

"And just how would Kathryn ever know or even care how I
felt about anything!" Chakotay felt his anger boiling up
again. What he hadn't counted on was a Klingon even angrier
than he was.

B'Elanna decided it was time to have that little discussion!
So she pushed him down into a chair, daring him to get up
with her eyes. He was going to listen to her, she would make
sure of it.

"Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this, but it's time you
faced the truth. Kathryn loves you with all her heart," she
spat out the words, poking her index finger into his chest
for emphasis.

He began to rise up in disagreement, but B'Elanna would have
none of it, and she pushed him back down.

"No, you listen to ME. When we got home, I talked to Kathryn
and tried to get her to go to you and tell you how she felt.
She told me that Admiral Janeway came back in time to save
Tuvok, Seven, and YOU! The Admiral told her that you and
Seven were married. She said that Seven died and you never
got over it. Chakotay, the Admiral loved you enough to
sacrifice herself to the Borg just to assure your happiness,
and she spent years planning a way to do it. How can you
think that Kathryn would feel any less for you?"

"If she loved me so much why didn't she tell me!" he roared
up from the chair forcing her to step back, "I'll tell you
why – protocol – that damn Starfleet protocol. She chose
Starfleet over me."

Tom could stand it no longer, "If that's true, then you
chose Starfleet too. You didn't go to her."

"Go to her, Tom? A captain shouldn't become involved with a
member of their crew. How could I go to her?"

"That's not what the protocol says, Chakotay." Tom was
beginning to get angry himself. "It says that a commanding
officer cannot initiate a relationship with a subordinate,
//if that subordinate has expressed any reluctance to the idea
of a relationship.// It does not say anything about a
subordinate initiating a relationship with a superior
officer. You sure were expressing reluctance that day on the
bridge when Kes experienced premature elogium. It almost
sounded like that you thought none of us should pursue any
kind of relationship."

Chakotay closed his eyes and sank back into the chair, for a
moment remembering that day. He had been thinking about the
mess caused by his relationship with Seska. He had never
thought how that statement must have sounded to everyone
else. With his own words he had muted Kathryn and then
blamed her for her silence.

In that moment of clarity he remembered where else he had
seen Kathryn's sad expression. Her counterpart, the older
admiral, had that same expression as her eyes rested on him
when she beamed over to Voyager for the first time. He
realized in that moment that Kathryn probably did love him,
and had so for years. She loved him so much she would let
him go if that was what he wanted.

He opened his eyes and looked up at the concerned couple.
"Do you mind if I take a rain check on dinner? I think I
have some bridges to mend." He took a shaky breath, "That
is, if I'm not too late."

---

Kathryn quietly stared out at the cool spring night as Mike
Ayala drove her home from the Indiana transport station.

One of the perks of being an Admiral was the easy access to
transporters and hovercars both here in Indiana and in
California. It allowed her to live just about anywhere on
Earth and still work in San Francisco.

She reflected how lucky she was to have friends from Voyager
as so many of her old friends had drifted away while she was
stranded in the delta quadrant. Her family was still here,
thank God, but her mother was so ill that for a while it
seemed she would lose her one remaining parent before she
could spend any time at all with her.

Starfleet arranged for her to work on the science data
Voyager had collected from her home in Indiana, allowing her
to stay with her mother. She downloaded the data to and from
headquarters to her computer station at home, and only had
to go to San Francisco a few times a month. She also had
easy access to the Doctor and, with his help, her mother was
growing stronger.

Sam Wildman was assigned to assist Kathryn in the cataloging
of the data, and both she and Naomi had moved into the
Janeway guesthouse. Just having that child in the house
seemed to do Gretchen Janeway as much good as the treatments
she received from the Doctor.

Sam and Mike among others on Voyager had lost family members
while away in the delta quadrant. Sam's husband, like Mike's
wife, had remarried and had a new life. Mike had little
contact with his sons as they had been adopted by their
stepfather and he was reluctant to upset their lives. Mike
had been assigned as the liaison officer between Admiral
Janeway and headquarters, and from that contact a
relationship began. Mike and Sam were falling in love.

Many crewmembers like Sam and Mike, who had lost so much,
bonded together and now several of them had bonded with
Kathryn.

Gretchen had not only got her daughter back but in the
process she acquired several other new family members,
including a new daughter in Sam and a granddaughter in
Naomi. She even got an almost grown grandson in Icheb after
Kathryn formalized that relationship with an adoption.

Kathryn sadly reflected that as full as her life was, there
was one very large hole, the size and shape of the man that
she loved with all her heart but could never have: Chakotay.
She had hoped and dreamed of him for so many years and at
times felt he would surely come to her, but it never
happened.

When they were quarantined on New Earth, she knew that it
would be only a matter of time for their relationship to
deepen. Even when Tuvok came back for them, Kathryn held on
to that hope. She had waited for him all that first night
back to come to her. She eventually reasoned that he just
needed time to adjust to being back on Voyager.

Kathryn knew about the affair with Riley Frasier. The
thought of Chakotay making love to Riley nauseated her, but
the thought that he might actually stay behind with the
former Borg was terrifying. She was relieved when he didn't
and took some small hope from that.

She couldn't go to him. Starfleet protocol was pretty clear
on just how a relationship between a commanding officer and
a subordinate could occur. She remembered the words that
sealed her fate as if they were yesterday. He spoke them on
the bridge after catching a couple kissing in the turbolift.

//". . . we're in a unique situation here. The development of
intimate relationships might cause us problems that wouldn't
arise on other ships."//

His reluctance trapped her and all she could do was wait for
him to make the first move. Several times she tried to give
him a hint of what she wanted. She remembered telling
Chakotay that she realized that she had been using Mark as a
safety net when she read the letter her former fiancé had
sent to her. She thought she had left Chakotay the perfect
opening but he didn't take it.

She was sure that he would come to her after the alien had
tried to trap her in his matrix. She had seen him cry in
anguish clutching her body to his chest. His lips had
touched hers when he tried to breathe life into her. That
part was so different from the rest of the hallucination
that she was sure it was real. She even invited him to a
moonlight sail on Lake George.

He gave a rose to her, and they talked and laughed as they
ran Kathryn's holoprogram. They even drank champagne
together, but he never took her in his arms or leaned into
her to kiss her mouth as she craved. After a while she
decided that the vision was a part of the hallucination and
never happened at all.

Though she never told him, her depression during the
traverse of the void was caused in part by the realization
of just how empty her life had become. She wanted a family,
complete with children, and as that hope faded so did her
resilience, and she slowly began to sink into the quicksand
of depression. Chakotay did help her during that time, but
he withheld the thing she needed most.

The final piece of her hope died that day in Voyager's
corridor when the Admiral from the future told her about
Chakotay's marriage to Seven of Nine and his devastation at
her loss. Kathryn looked into her future self's eyes and saw
the deep pain in her own soul reflected back.

Kathryn often wondered if the Admiral had married them to
each other. At least she was spared that ordeal. She saw her
own long lonely life ahead of her in that one moment and she
knew that she would spend it in love with Chakotay.

"Kathryn," Mike's voice broke into her thoughts, "Are you
all right? You're very quiet tonight."

"Just lost in thought, Mike." She smiled and willed back the
tears that threatened to fall.

"Maybe he'll come to his senses someday," Mike spoke as he
sat the hover car down on its pad and signaled for the pad
cover to close.

"No Mike, he loves her. The admiral told me that she died in
his arms and he was never the same again. Now she won't die
and he will be happy and I can live with that."

"If you say so," Ayala answered, "But he didn't look too
happy tonight." And he helped her from the car.

They found Sam and Naomi with Gretchen in her bedroom,
helping the older woman get ready for bed.

"I left you some dinner in stasis," Sam grinned. "Why don't
you both go have something to eat? I'll finish helping
Gretchen."

"Where's Icheb?" Kathryn asked as she started into the
kitchen.

"He's studying with Harry," Sam answered. "He said he would
be home by ten. You know how he is. Passing the entrance
exams at the Academy is his first priority."

---

After dinner Mike and Sam took Naomi back to the guesthouse
they occupied together, and the quiet of night settled in
the old farmhouse.

Gretchen was setting up in bed reading when Kathryn came to
check on her.

"I hear you walked in the garden today," Kathryn sat on the
side of her mother's bed.

"It was wonderful. The trees are budding, the birds are
singing, and I finally think that I'm going to get better. I
have you to thank for this, you came home to me, and filled
this house with the happiness of children, with Icheb and
Naomi. You filled it with the joy of love with Tom and
B'Elanna, Harry and Celes, and Mike and Sam. I just wish you
could fill yourself like you have filled this house."
Gretchen took her daughter's hand.

"Mike told me that he was at the Paris'," Gretchen
continued, "that you saw him tonight. Are you ok?" There
were no secrets between mother and daughter.

"Mama, it was so hard to see him," she sighed, then laid her
head on her mother's lap and the tears that she held at bay
all evening began to roll out of her eyes. She sobbed in her
mother's lap. Crying for all she had lost, for Chakotay, and
the children that would not be, and the life she longed for
but would never have.

Gretchen held her grieving daughter until Kathryn cried
herself to sleep in her mother's arms.

---

Chakotay entered his apartment and called for the lights. He
was shaken when he left Tom and B'Elanna's home, begging off
dinner, needing to be alone and to think.

He quickly gathered up a couple of candles, the akoonah and
his medicine bundle, setting them on the low table in front
of the couch. He lit the candles, lowered the lights and
opened the soft suede covering. He spread the contents,
first picking up the dark wing and ending with the stone he
had found long ago in the river near his home.

At last he sat the stone down and taking a deep breath, he
placed his hand on the akoonah, closed his eyes and began.

"A-koo-chee-moya, we are far from the sacred places of our
grandfathers. We are far from the bones of my people. What I
ask on this day of despair, is that the wisdom of my father
find me, and help me understand my dilemma. Speak to me
father, speak to me in my dreams."


As if from a great distance he heard a familiar soft
feminine voice, and opened his eyes to see not his father
but his mother. She was kneeling in her flower garden; the
sun was shining brightly and color was everywhere.

"What troubles you, my son?"

His mother seldom came to him in his visions. When she did,
however, she brought with her the peace and security he knew
as a child, when he felt nothing could hurt him as long as
she was nearby.

"Mother, I have made a grave error and hurt the one I love
most. I seek a way to make things right and most of all I
need to know if I have waited too long, if it is too late?"
His last words ended in a sob, and suddenly he found himself
in his mother's arms as he poured out his soul, tears
flowing down his face.

"Chakotay, my son, don't you think it's time to stop waiting
for Kathryn to betray you? Time to stop punishing her for
being Starfleet?"

"Punishing Kathryn, Mother?"

"Yes. Starfleet was your life for many years. They gave you
the stars you longed for, and then betrayed you with the
peace treaty that left Trebus open to Cardassian treachery.
Kathryn Janeway saved you from the anger and destruction
your life had become, then you feared that she would betray
you just as Starfleet had done long ago. Chakotay, how many
of those who were a part of that betrayal still hold power?"
she asked.

"Most of those who were in Starfleet are dead or have
retired, and since the Dominion War most of the politicians
involved have fallen out of favor."

"Then don't you think that it's time to let go of your
anger?"

"You are right, mother," he said. "The other, older Kathryn
put herself in Borg hands just to give me the life she
thought I wanted."

"Chakotay, there is only one Kathryn."

And the final piece clicked into place. He knew without a
doubt that Kathryn Janeway loved him. She had loved him on
New Earth and she had loved him in a future he wouldn't see.
She loved him so much that she would walk into the Borg
Queen's lair, and she loved him enough to let herself do it.



He opened his eyes as his vision ended, wiping away the
tears on his cheeks. He gathered up the contents of his
bundle and wrapped them in the soft leather. He would go to
her, praying that it wasn't too late and that Kathryn also
loved him enough to forgive him.

He packed a small bag, and arranged to have someone take
over his classes for a few days. He didn't know the time; he
only knew that he had to see Kathryn and that he could not
wait one minute longer.

---

Chakotay walked along the quiet county road. The sun,
warming the remains of the cool spring night, was just
beginning to peek over the rim of the world. Its pastel
colors streaked across the sky awaking the birds. He needed
this walk to help him organize his thoughts so he could say
just the right thing when he saw Kathryn.

He arrived in the small community in the early morning hours
and checked into the local inn. He sat in the dark waiting
for the coming day with only his thoughts as company.
Through those dark hours he remembered and prayed.
Eventually, when he could stand the waiting no longer, he
started the long walk to Kathryn's home.

He remembered New Earth and Kathryn the woman. He remembered
the sight of her wrapped in a towel, her shoulders wet. He
had held her once there, under the table while that plasma
storm rained destruction all around them. He remembered
giving her a neck rub, and afterwards telling her the angry
warrior story.

He knew now that if he had only told Kathryn the whole
truth, told her how very much he loved her, they would have
been together, maybe that very night. He remembered the look
of despair on her face while they waited for the transporter
to take them back to Voyager.

He remembered another time, holding her lifeless body in his
arms, begging her not to die. He had held his mouth to hers
as he tried to breathe life into her. The short time it took
Tuvok and the doctor to revive her felt like hours.

How many opportunities had he missed through the years? She
had invited him to a moonlight sail on Lake George later
that day. What if she had wanted to be more? His heart
tightened with the thought.

He knew one thing for sure. If Kathryn Janeway thought that
he was reluctant to the idea of a relationship, she would
never have pursued him, Starfleet protocol or not.

He told her younger self, when they worked together to save
Voyager from being shattered into different time lines, that
there were barriers they never crossed. He now realized the
barriers were of his own making.

Looking around he saw that he had arrived at his
destination. Chakotay walked up the steps and onto the
porch. He took a deep breath and reached out to the call
signal.

---

Kathryn awoke early, surprised to find herself still in her
mother's bed. She got up, being careful not to wake her
mother. Entering her bathroom, she started the shower and
prepared to start her day.

The early morning was one of her favorite times of day. She
sat at the desk sipping her first cup of coffee, looking out
of the windows at the shadows retreating in the early
morning light. She could see over the back of the property,
at the flower garden, and down to the pond and her thinking
tree.

She allowed herself a moment to think of Chakotay, wishing
him happiness, then setting down her cup she opened her
connection to Starfleet headquarters and began to work. She
always seemed to be able to get the most done during the
couple of hours before everyone else got up.

She had just got the links open and began to download new
information, when the call signal at the front door
activated. She hurried to the front of the house to answer
the door before the signals awakened anyone.

Her breath caught in surprise as she opened the door to see
Chakotay standing on her front porch.

"Good morning, Kathryn," he said with a slight hesitation.

"Chakotay!" he glimpsed her sad expression before she
covered it with her smile. "I didn't expect to see you again
so soon. What brings you all the way to Indiana this early
in the morning?"

"Do I need an excuse to visit my best friend?"

"No, never," she said, taking his hand to pull him into the
house. "Are you alone?"

"Do you mean ‘is Seven with you?' No, she and I have parted
ways. She is in a relationship with Reg Barclay. It's only
me, Kathryn, and I've come alone. I need to talk to you."

Her heart almost stopped with his words, but she quickly
gathered herself and led him to the kitchen.

"Are you hungry?" she asked, searching for something to say.
"Would you like some coffee?" She was confused by his words;
how could he and Seven be apart? The Admiral had told her
that Chakotay never got over Seven's death.

She turned from him and began to pour two mugs of coffee,
adding cream and sugar to one. She sat the mugs down on the
counter as she felt his hands on her shoulders and with a
gentle pressure he turned her to him.

"Kathryn, I need to talk to you. Is there someplace we could
go where we wouldn't disturb anyone?"

The intense expression he wore disturbed her as much as his
words. "Chakotay, what happened? Do you want me to talk to
her for you?"

"No!" he answered. "Please, I want to talk to you."

Kathryn nodded her head and motioned him to follow her out
of the kitchen. She stopped in the hallway long enough to
grab a sweater from one of the hooks by the door. Throwing
it over her shoulders, she opened the door and taking his
hand she led him out onto the back porch.

They crossed the lawn heading down to a pond at the back of
the yard that was surrounded by trees that hung branches out
over the water. In the summer it would become the perfect
retreat.

She stopped by a large oak tree and invited him to sit on
the bench that wrapped around the tree trunk. Even though
she had taken his hand first, Chakotay now clutched at hers
like it was a lifeline. Sensing his distress, Kathryn gave
his hand a gentle squeeze.

"How can I help you? Did you have an argument with Seven?"

He drew a deep breath. "Kathryn, Seven and I have agreed
that a relationship between the two of us will not work. But
that's not why I'm here. I'm here to see you, to talk to
you."

"Chakotay, I don't understand." Her confusion was evident on
her face.

"I know what your counterpart from the future told you, but
I don't love Seven. I never did. I was only trying to fill
an emptiness with her. I'm just now realizing that she could
never fill that empty place in my heart."

"Chakotay, I. . . "

"Kathryn, I don't know what happened in the other time line.
I do know when we got back to Earth I found that a lot of
things are different. The Dominion war changed the
Federation; the people in charge now would never have left
Trebus at the mercy of the Cardassians. I have come to
understand that I've carried a lot of anger at a situation
that no longer exists, and even worse, I let that anger
spill over into our relationship. All this time I've been
confusing you with Starfleet. I've only realized now that I
have been waiting for you to betray me like they did, but
you didn't."

"I would never. . . "

"I know, but now I'm able to trust that knowledge. Spirits,
Kathryn, you walked into the Borg Queen's den in an effort
to insure my happiness. You would face assimilation for me.
Can you ever forgive me? Everywhere I go I keep looking for
something, and now I know that something is you. I have
missed you so much and I would like to have my friend back."

Kathryn sighed. She wanted so much more from him than
friendship but she missed him so much that even that seemed
like a gift.

"Chakotay, you know that I'd be here for you. I'll always be
your friend."

"Kathryn, I'm being clumsy here. I practiced all night so I
could say just the right thing to you and now I can't seem
to get the words right. I have always been so afraid that I
would lose you when we got back to the alpha quadrant that I
never allowed myself the chance to be close to you." He drew
a deep breath, and pulled her hand tightly to his chest.
Then he continued. "I once tried to tell you something by
disguising it as a legend among my people and I need to tell
you straight out while I can. I love you, Kathryn Janeway. I
have for years. Please tell me that I'm not too late."

"Oh, Chakotay," Kathryn reached up to wipe the tears from
his cheeks with her free hand. "I don't know. I hope not."
Then her tears began their slow descent. "I don't know if I
can make myself believe this could be true."

He gently pulled her into his arms. She leaned into him
resting her cheek against his chest as he dropped his face
down into her hair. He sat a few moments savoring the
feeling of Kathryn in his arms, gratified that she hadn't
pulled away.

"I know I've made mistakes. My anger and mistrust caused me
to make assumptions concerning us. I was wrong. Please
forgive me. My father once told me I was a contrary, but I
didn't really understand what he meant until I realized that
my contrariness cost me you."

"Chakotay, I don't know where we go from here. I've wanted
you for so long, but I had accepted that I would never have
you. I'd given up on you, I tried to go on without you. None
of it worked. I need you and I want to be with you because I
do love you with all my heart."

He let out the pent-up breath he just realized he was
holding and lifted Kathryn until she was setting in his lap,
cradled in his arms. Together they watched the morning come
and the world reawaken to the new day.

---

//I look around at the multitude of friends and family
gathered around Kathryn and I as we celebrate the uniting of
our lives.

Here on a beautiful summer evening in that special place by
the pond, where I found my way to the place I really
belonged. We pledge our love, taking the vows that will
unite us forever.

Kathryn is beautiful. She is almost ethereal, dressed in
some kind of filmy material that drifts around in the soft
summer breeze.

Gretchen, freed from her long illness, basks in our
happiness. I once again find that I have a mother. The only
thing she asks of me is that I take care of our Kathryn: an
obligation I am overjoyed to fulfill.

On separate occasions, shortly after Kathryn and I began
exploring our relationship, Tom Paris and Mike Ayala spoke
to me alone. They each told me in detail just exactly what
would happen to me if I hurt her like that again. I have
known Mike long enough to believe every word he said and
I'll admit that for the first time Paris actually scared me.
I told them both that I'd sooner die than hurt her.

Almost everyone from Voyager is here, sharing in our
happiness. Tom and B'Elanna, Harry and Celes, Tuvok and his
wife, Mike and Sam, and even Seven and Reg are all here. We
are all family.

My long journey is over. From the time I left Trebus for the
Academy until we returned from the Delta quadrant, I have
been searching for a place to be. I found what I needed with
this woman. I let go of my fear and anger and finally
listened to the message from my heart. My life is with
Kathryn; it has always been. I am finally home.//

---

The End