The BLTS Archive - Affirmation of Life, Affirmation of Love by Elorie Alton (SASFTWORTH@aol.com) --- Disclaimer: All Voyager characters are the property of Paramount. No copyright infringement is intended. --- Captain's Log: Stardate 50518.6: The Doctor has examined me thoroughly and pronounced me physically fit, but I'll admit that it will take a little longer to work through the emotional impact of my experience. --- Kathryn Janeway sat in her ready room, coffee cup in hand, trying to catch up on reports even though the padds couldn't hold her attention. She paused to take another sip when the chime announced a visitor. "Come in," she called, still trying to concentrate on the padd before her. Commander Chakotay entered the room and walked to her desk. "I could have swore I heard the Doctor tell you to take it easy a few days," he chided. "Taking it easy usually makes me feel worse," she continued reading. He pulled a large bicolor rose from behind his back, and dangling it in front of the padd she was trying to read, he said, "You shouldn't push yourself. You've been through a lot." "Aw…" she said seeing the rose. She turned to her first officer and took his offering, admiring the creamy yellow and pink blossom for a moment, finally she looked up at him. "To tell you the truth, I'd rather stay busy than dwell on what happened." "I can understand that." He smiled his one dimple smile, "I can't help thinking about it, that alien, his matrix. He was like the spider who has to lure a fly into his web." She stood holding her cup and rose, and moved from behind her desk. "Do you think it's possible that each of the near-death experiences we've heard about are the results of an alien inhabitation?" she asked as she went over to her coffee service. "That's a little hard to believe," he said following her to the sofa area, stopping outside the railing. "I hope so, I'd prefer to think his species was unique to the Delta Quadrant," She lay the rose down and picked up the pot to refill her cup, "and that I've seen the last of him." His smile widened deepening the dimples in his cheeks, "I'm sure that's the case. After going head-to-head with Kathryn Janeway, he must have realized he'd met his match." "Come on, Chakotay," she turned and setting the pot and cup down on the coffee table, she continued. "I cheated Death." She leaned closer to him, "That's worth a celebration, don't you think?" She spread her arms wide, "A bottle of champagne…a moonlight sail on Lake George. How does that sound?" "Like something worth living for." Laughing, they exited the room together. --- Kathryn reclined on the thick cushions that stretched across the stern of the small boat. The full moon spread its soft light on her bare legs and shoulders. Chakotay enjoyed the sight of her body clad in shorts and a halter-top, and was glad they had stopped long enough to change clothes on the way to the holodeck. His own lightweight clothing was certainly more comfortable than the uniform would have been. The exuberance she displayed earlier in the ready room dissipated as the evening wore on, just as he expected. In the beginning they took turns at the wheel, enjoying the feeling of speed as they maneuvered the small sailboat across Lake George. Now she sat slightly turned staring out at the reflected moonlight that followed them across the lake. He was surprised at the depth of her holoprogram, one of the best outdoor programs he'd seen. The setting was beautiful and the programmer had paid such close attention to detail that you could almost forget you were on a starship in the Delta quadrant. Almost. "Kathryn," he said, pulling her out of her reflective state. "This is a marvelous program. Where did you get it?" "It's a Jackson Bond program, my sister gave it to me." "I've heard how good his programs are, but this is extraordinary. The man is an artist." "Phoebe went to school with him. This is actually a copy of his master's thesis. She knew how much I loved Lake George and got him to make a copy for me." "I can see how he got his reputation." "He specializes in sailing programs. Jean-Luc Picard is supposed to have one of a nineteenth century frigate that he and the Enterprise crew uses." Chakotay adjusted the angle of the jib, and prepared to turn the boat. It had been a long time since he was on a sailboat, but once aboard his ability quickly returned. "You do that well," Kathryn said admiring his skill. "When I was younger, my father and I build a small racing yacht with rigging almost like this. My brothers and I sailed it on a lake near our home." "Somehow I never associated you with a sailboat." The light from the full moon silvered her hair as she shifted on the cushions to face him. "I remember your plans for a boat on New Earth. I don't know why it never occurred to me that you would be a sailor." He knew the forced laughter in her voice didn't quite reach her eyes, and saw a sad hollowness in them. He recognized it as the same hollowness he felt in his own heart when he thought of those weeks he spent alone with Kathryn. Chakotay realized that the events of the day were catching up to her. It wasn't surprising when you thought about it. The day started with such happiness then could have easily ended in her death. It was catching up with him too. He tried all evening to push those thoughts away, but then he would remember the panic that almost crushed him into inaction when he thought he had lost her. He knew something from her encounter with the alien depressed her, and he needed to help her confront whatever demons had emerged from that meeting. The demons that she held at bay with bravado and forced laughter. Chakotay adjusted the wheel and sails, bringing the boat about, heading for shore. "Why don't we put in, and drink some of that champagne you're cooling?" he asked. "Sounds like a plan to me," she agreed. --- The boat gently rocked as Chakotay joined Kathryn in the stern. They were together and yet apart at the same time. His heart ached with the need to hold her, to feel her body alive, not the limp dead shell his arms remembered. She was subdued now, the effervescence of her earlier mood had disappeared entirely. Chakotay understood the mood swing. He saw it many times in the Maquis, and knew the implication of her reticence. She had not so much cheated death, as she had outwitted it. Death was a poor loser and would take its revenge where it could. He watched her over the rim of his glass as he took a sip of his champagne. Her open eyes concentrated elsewhere, and he was sure that she contemplated her own mortality. "Where did you get real champagne?" he spoke, trying to divert her from her dark thoughts. Her eyes lost their inward focus and she looked up at him. "I replicated it," she gave a forced laugh, then drank from her own glass. "I thought Starfleet replicators weren't programmed to produce real alcohol." "You can get just about anything, including real alcohol, out of one if you know the right codes. And as a Starfleet Captain, I have access to those codes," she raised her empty glass to him in a mock salute. "What do they do," he asked, refilling her glass, "issue a code book to go along with the fourth pip?" "Yeah, sort of like that and a list of suggestions to go along with them." She took another sip. "You know the kind-" She stood, slightly swaying with the boat, straightened her shoulders, then went on. "Here are the override codes for Starfleet replicators, but it is suggested that Captains refrain from excessive ingestion of recreational psychotropic substances." "And what Vulcan Admiral gave you that little speech?" "Admiral T'Lara, the same one that told me, 'It is recommended that a captain observe a certain distance between herself and her crew.' Oh, how I hate that one." "What do you mean, Kathryn?" he said, hiding his surprise at her statement. She took another drink, draining her glass. "That one almost got me killed today!" "Kathryn?" "During the hallucinations, the entity tried to get me to follow him by saying it would only hurt me to stay behind, that I could observe your lives but never take any part in them. Then he showed me my wake. I heard everyone saying nice things about me, speeches that told of how they would miss me, but everyone seemed to handle my loss pretty well." "Kathryn, you only saw what he wanted you to see." "I know that now, Chakotay, but I realized then I had no personal ties to anyone here, only duty and obligation. I've played the untouchable Captain too well. I've observed that certain distance. I've watched this crew, without taking part in their lives. Chakotay, I saw just how empty my life has become. I realized that I was a living ghost and for one brief moment I believed him and I almost went with him. I could have died." "Kathryn, you've got to know that all of us would grieve for you." He stood beside her, seeing her pain, wanting nothing more than to enfold her in his arms and hug away her misery. "When I thought you were dead, I nearly died myself." "When we first crashed, I saw you carrying me out of the shuttlecraft. You put me down and started CPR, and you kept telling me not to die on you-" Tears welled up in her eyes. "And at one point you pulled me up in your arms, and held me against you. But then later at my wake, you seemed so composed." Her tears began to slowly trail down her face. "Kathryn," he whispered as he pulled her into his arms. "The first part was real; I was so afraid that I had lost you." She closed her eyes in relief. "I hoped that part was real, that's really what saved me. Hoping that you loved me enough to grieve. It was what gave me the courage to confront him, to trust that instinct that said 'Don't go with him.' and finally to see him for the fraud he was." Chakotay held her close, rubbing his hand across her back, his face buried in her hair. "I think the reason he picked me was that I had almost nothing to hold me here, no husband, no children, not even a lover, but I have known love and I do love. That's where he failed. If he had come to me as Justin I might have went with him and if he had picked you, I wouldn't have hesitated." "Kathryn," his voice broke as he held her even closer, shuddering at the thought of her falling into that trap. "No, Chakotay, let me finish while I have the courage. The only thing that kept me here was the fact that I love you and I couldn't stand the thought of leaving you, and even if I were lost to you, I could still see you and that would be enough." "You said it," he breathed as he began to kiss her face. "Finally you said it, and now I can say it to you. I love you Kathryn Janeway, with all my heart." "Oh Chakotay, I almost didn't have that chance to say it, to tell you I love you. I've never had pain like that before," she sobbed in his arms. "Shhh darling, I'm here and you've told me." He slowly lowered them both until they were again sitting on the cushions, their arms holding, their hands caressing, their lips seeking for the first kiss. Kathryn tilted her face up, her eyes closing at the first touch of his lips against hers. And with that touch, she opened her mouth in invitation, then groaned in pleasure at his entry. Overjoyed at the feel of her body, warm and alive in his arms, Chakotay gently pressed into her mouth, exploring her and savoring this moment. He caressed her tongue with his until she pushed it back into his mouth, tasting him. Finally he broke their kiss, reluctantly pulling away from her warm embrace. "Kathryn, as much as I want to make love to you, I don't want it to be because of a reaction to a near death experience. If we did this, and you turned from me later regretting our action, it would kill me. I want us to come together in love, not because you have a need to reconnect with life." "Chakotay, this is not a reconnection, it's a claim. Last night, after the talent show I lay in my bed longing for you, knowing you were on the other side of that bulkhead. "I learned a lesson today that fate tried to teach me once before. I learned life is too short to be spent longing for something that is only on the other side of a bulkhead." She looked up holding his eyes, "I've finished sacrificing today for a tomorrow that may not come." As she leaned into him, his arms accepting her body and pulled her tightly against him. And as he slowly lowered them the rest of the way down, she called out, "Computer play audio recording Janeway 351, continuous loop," then rolled with him on the cushions. Violins softly sang their sweet soprano voice, as two mouths again sought each other, and the light of the full moon danced across the lake and poured down around them. Deepening their kiss, Chakotay explored the skin exposed by the deep vee front of her top, then sought the simple tie that held the halter to her body, pulling it so it fell away, exposing her bare breasts. Kathryn reached up to him, pushing her hands under his shirt so she could feel his smooth chest and touch his warm skin, pushing at his shirt until she had pushed it up his body and over his head. He watched his darker fingers move over her fair skin to cup a breast, then listened to her breath quicken as he rubbed his thumb around her pale pink nipple, teasing until it stiffened. The feel of her unbelievably soft skin against his fingertips quickened the upward spiral of his arousal, shutting out everything but the woman in his arms. "Kathryn, I love you, I love you," he whispered, and each circle of his thumb increased the warm electric ache of her need. Waves of passion flowed through her fed by the awareness of him growing hard and heavy against her thigh. She rose up slightly, turning into his chest, tracing her tongue along his shoulder and across the gentle curve of his collarbone until she reached the hollow at the base of his throat and began to kiss and nibble at his neck. Chakotay sucked in his breath and stilled the moment her lips touched his throat, savoring the tense heat of arousal shooting from the place she kissed him straight to his groin. "Spirits, Kathryn!" He fought for control for a moment, then moved down her body, replacing his hand with his mouth, pulling gently at her nipple, caressing it with his tongue, finding her as sweet as he had imagined. Then he began to push at her shorts, moving then down. Chakotay released her long enough to hook his fingers in the fabric of her shorts and quickly stripped them and her underwear from her body at the same time. She lay on the cushions, her fair skin glowing with a pearlescent sheen in the soft moonlight. Her hair, now released from the scarf that had held it, spread around her in fine silky threads. It was the most beautiful sight he had ever seen. With a low moaning in the back of his throat, he covered her, needing desperately to hold her against his body. He gave into his hunger, pressing his lips to her neck and cheeks, finally dipping lower to again take a nipple. Kathryn squirmed at the sensation of his tongue grazing her nipple, and brought her hands up to his shoulders, hanging tightly on. The sensations that coursed through her body were exquisite, increasing her need with each breath she took. She cried out when he suddenly seemed to abandon her, and moaned in pleasure when he quickly returned, stretching out beside her, the last barrier of his trousers removed, pressing his naked skin to hers. His head again dipped to her breast and his fingers began to brush against her mound. Seizing the opportunity, Kathryn rolled on top of him, pushing him onto his back. She pressed her body down onto his, kissing him deeply, rolling her tongue in his mouth until he groaned with pleasure. Leaving his mouth she began to move down his body, leaving tingly spots where she kissed him. He caught his breath at the feel of her hardened nipples as they raked down his chest, trailing fire that shot through his body, adding to the pressure of his growing erection. She raised herself up, her hands brushing his chest and slowly rubbed herself down his length, whimpering at the pleasure of his rigid flesh pressed against her core. His patience at an end, he grabbed her hips in an attempt to move her onto him so he could thrust up into her body. Her need was the same so she allowed him to move her into position over him and with a sharp cry sank down around him, burying him completely in her moist heat. His very soul rejoiced at the luxury of being inside Kathryn. "Oh, God, how I love you," she murmured to him as she began to move on him, and he thrust up into her in response. The small boat rocked in time with their movement as their ascent began, the waves of desire building around them until there was only the two of them in the entire universe. She moaned his name again and again, her pace quickening, anticipating the coming release of pleasure, until it suddenly claimed her, soaring through her body, causing her muscles to contract, enveloping him in her softness. "Kathryn," he called as the feel of her throbbing climax pulled him with her. Pushing up, he felt the release of his seed as her vagina convulsed, milking him, sending pulses of pleasure through him. Weak and trembling, she collapsed on top of him, her chest heaving in time with his. Both drained, they allowed the joy of the moment to wash over them, resting after the passing of their storm of passion. Slowly the world returned and Chakotay became aware of the rocking of the boat, the music in the background and the lush feeling of Kathryn sprawled across his body. He listened as the music looped back on itself and began to slowly build again. Its slight discordance was familiar and for a moment he couldn't remember where he had heard the melody. "Kathryn," his voice caressed her name, "Were you playing this last night? It sounds like the music I heard coming from your side of the bulkhead." "Yes," she traced his jaw with her fingertips. "I play it a lot." "What is it?" "I don't remember its title. It's something from the twentieth century that I found in Voyager's data base." She sighed and shifted to his side, draping her arm across his chest. "I thought it sounded like love." He listened for a moment, then, looking down at the woman lying in his arms, he asked, "Why were you playing it over and over last night?" "When I play this music, I can almost feel your hands touching me, and sometimes when I wanted you the most, I'd play it and imagine us together making love." He brushed his lips across her hair. "You mean every time you played this, you were wanting me, wanting to be with me? You kept playing it over and over when we got back from New Earth." "I thought I couldn't have you, and I was miserable, but it helped. I've decided that I need you, that as hard as it will be having a relationship here, not being with you would be worse. I want you in my life, my darling." "I won't let you go, Kathryn, not after this, I will never let you go." He accented his vow with kisses showering down on her face. "And I won't let you go either, Chakotay. Whatever it takes, we'll make this work, because it certainly doesn't work with us apart." And her lips connected with his sharing, gentle kisses. Finally he stood up, pulling Kathryn up with him. "Don't you think we've used the holodeck long enough? Come back to my cabin with me. I want to hold you in my arms all night and wake up with you in the morning." "I can't think of anything I'd rather do more." She smiled as she gathered up her clothing and began to dress. "I want to wake up with you tomorrow, and the next day, and the one after that." "It does seem a shame though, going to the trouble of dressing just for the trip back to our quarters," he teased smiling seductively at her while he pulled on his pants. "I think I know a solution," she handed his shirt to him. "Computer, end program. Computer, site-to-site transport for the Commander and I to the Commander's quarters." And as the couple disappeared in a blue shimmer, the beautiful illusion of Lake George returned to the database, leaving behind an empty wine bottle and two glasses. --- The End --- Author's note: I intentionally left the music ambiguous, so that the reader could imagine her favorite love theme. I hear Bernard Herrmann's "Sciene d' Armour" from the motion picture Vertigo, I listened to it several times while writing Kathryn and Chakotay's love scene. Like Kathryn I can almost feel a lover's touch in that music.