The BLTS Archive - The Heart's Decision
by Elorie Alton (SASFTWORTH@aol.com)

---

VAMB's 2007 "Spring Fling" entry, written for Gilly, "Thanks
for all the magnificent fiddles."

An additional thank you to Ky for betaing.

Disclaimer: All Star Trek characters are the property of
Paramount/Viacom. No copyright infringement is intended.

---

The only real color in the sepia tinted picture was the
auburn tones of the female's hair, but the first time
Chakotay saw it he was stunned. He took one look and saw
Kathryn's shoulders, saw her hair twisted up in his hand,
felt her mouth pleasuring him. He knew immediately that he
had to possess a copy of it.

He found it on Earth but they were not home, because it was
Earth of the past, Earth in the year 1996. Voyager had been
pulled into a temporal rift created when a ship from the
future had attempted to destroy them. Needing to find a way
back to their own time, a handful of crewmembers transported
down to search for an anomalous subspace reading that didn't
belong to that time. During the time of their search, he had
found the picture in an obscure shop overlooking the Pacific
Ocean.

He did have one quick, wicked, thought when they first
beamed down. He'd simply scoop Kathryn up in his arms, find
a room in one of the motels that were strewn out along the
beach and have his way with her. After all, they had only
agreed to wait until they reached Earth and here they were.
It was a delicious thought but one he quickly suppressed,
until he saw that picture in one of the little souvenir
shops.

While Kathryn was concentrating on a discrete communication
with Tom and Tuvok he took a quick scan of the image knowing
that later when they were back aboard Voyager he could
reproduce it.

As soon as the dust had settled and they had found
themselves back in the Delta Quadrant, he replicated the
poster, framed it and hung it in his bedroom, where no one
else was likely to see it.

Each night since, he had fallen asleep staring at the
picture and thinking of Kathryn.

---

Kathryn had hoped that soft music and working on a small
painting would take her mind off the last couple of days,
but she was wrong. The generic music irritated her, even
though she'd asked for something soothing

The dangerous task of saving her crew had called for total
concentration and she had done that, even though fighting
the Macroviruses alone was her own worse fear. So like the
nightmares that awakened her in the night, the sweat running
over her body and her chest heaving as if she had been in a
race. The dreams were always the same, she was running
through Voyager's deserted corridors, knowing that
everyone's life depended on her.

Even afterward, when everyone had been cured and working to
restore Voyager, the images of her crew still made cold
chills run down her spine. She tried hard not to think about
the sight of Chakotay, unconscious in the mess hall. Now
unable to push those troubling pictures from her mind, they
had returned with a vengeance to taunt her, and became her
latest nightmare, Chakotay dead, never knowing how much she
loved him.

She continued to work on the canvas, trying to bring shape
and depth to the tree she had outlined, varying the green
with dabs of yellows for light and dark olive for the
shadows, but no matter how hard she tried, the tree still
had that flat lollipop look of a child's painting.

The chime of the ready room door was a welcome relief.

"Come in," she said, taking a sip of coffee that had long
since grown too cold.

"Good morning, Captain. Here's an update on repairs"
Chakotay grinned as he handed her a padd with various
departmental reports.

"How's the crew holding up?" She hoped her practiced
expression of independent confidence was working, because an
unexpected need to touch him had surged through her. She
needed to see that he was really all right, and panic
tightened in her chest again as it had all morning. She had
almost lost him.

"They're fine, although the Doctor tells me a few people are
still reporting post-viral queasiness."

"I'm not surprised. Inform the crew that I'm granting
extended R&R for all personnel, and work out the shift
rotations."

"Aye Captain. Speaking of R&R, a few of us are going skiing
on the holodeck, the Ktarian glaciers. Fresh air, good work
out. Care to join us?"

"No, thank you, but have fun."

"Not your cup of tea?"

"Oh, on the contrary, I love to ski. Let's just say I've had
enough of a workout for the time being."

"Understood." Then he turned and walked out the door.

Kathryn tried a few more strokes before she threw down the
brush in disgust, "Computer, end programmed music!"

"This isn't working," she thought as she pulled the canvas
off her easel, dumped it into the recycler bin under the
replicator, and followed it with all the stale coffee left
in her pot. She put her paints and easel back into the
compact carrying case and slid it under her desk.

Finally, she sat down and tried to concentrate on the report
Chakotay had brought to her.

---

Chakotay's smile quickly faded into a frustrated sigh when
he heard the door to the Captain's ready room slide shut
behind him. It was very hard to maintain a light friendly
demeanor when what he really wanted to do was shake some
sense into her. Either that or pull her to his chest and
feel how she fit against him.

The months had crawled by since Tuvok and Voyager had
returned for them, tearing them away from their idyllic life
on New Earth. He had been so close to a relationship with
her but had decided to step back for a while. He had given
her the space she seemed to need but he also carried a
painful denial, and sometimes, especially when they had
escaped sure destruction, the pain doubled with the
knowledge that someday hadn't been promised and could easily
turn into never.

"Mr. Tuvok, the captain has expressed her desire that all of
the crew has an opportunity for extended R and R. Take over
the bridge while I work on the crew rotations."

"Aye, Commander." The Vulcan motioned to Rollins to take his
place at tactical and moved down to the command area, as
Chakotay called for the turbo lift.

He didn't want to go to his small office, so he elected to
return to his quarters.

Knowing that working out the rotations would be time
consuming, he decided to change out of his uniform into
something more comfortable, and entered his bedroom and
removed the uniform, replacing the stiffer gabardine
jumpsuit with a pair of soft knit pants. He removed his com
badge, pinning it to his undershirt then, stooping down, he
picked up his boots.

When he stood, the picture hanging on the wall caught his
eye as it always did. He couldn't look at it without
thinking of Kathryn and the silky feel of her hair in his
hand or her soft tremble of desire when he touched the back
of her neck.

The picture always reminded him of his dream of love with
Kathryn. It always left him in a state of semi arousal. At
first, he had tried to ease the ache with his own fist but
could never quite hold on to the image of Kathryn long
enough to find relief.

Finally he tore his eyes away from it, angry at the imagined
promise of it, knowing the waiting was wrong, knowing he
needed the real Kathryn not some image, knowing that deep
down her need for him was just as strong.

God, he had nearly died without her knowing how much he
loved her and that thought was intolerable.

---

Kathryn finally gave up trying to work. She left her ready
room, turned the bridge over to Tuvok and retired to her
quarters.

All she could think about was soaking in a hot tub of water.

She started stripping the moment the door swished shut
behind her. She threw her jacket across the chair at her
desk, and pulled her shirt over her head and tossed it on
the lounge in her bedroom. She toed her boots off and then
pushed her pants and socks off at the same time, leaving
them on the floor.

When she reached the dressing area of her bathroom, she was
only wearing the grey tank and boxer style briefs that were
Starfleet's idea of underwear,

She pulled a pair of knit shorts and a thin-strapped aqua
tank from her wardrobe and took them into the bedroom.
Finally, returning, she grabbed two towels and a washcloth
and laid them down on the dressing table.

Kathryn filled the tub with hot water and, giving into a
whim, she poured in some of her precious bubble bath. Then
she slipped off her underwear and stepped into the tub and
sank slowly down into the steaming water and bubbles.

She let the warmth soak into her muscles, chasing away the
coldness that had taken up a permanent residence inside her.
A chill that had assaulted her the moment she found Chakotay
in the mess hall, and built every time the memory surfaced.

She had almost lost him, just like she had lost Justin, only
this time the pain was worse, far worse than what she
experienced before and she wondered why until it hit her.
Her relationship with Justin was a whole complete pairing.
They had been in love, and they had expressed that love both
verbally and physically and the only regret that she carried
was his loss. She didn't share anything with Chakotay, not
even her love for him.

Finally, she gave into the tears in the only place she
allowed her feelings to surface, all alone in her quarters.

She sat in that tub as sobs wracked her body, and tears
streamed down her cheeks until finally the water had cooled
and she had cried out her stress. She climbed out, released
the water and grabbed a towel and began to dry her body. She
carried her clothing back into the bedroom and slowly
dressed, trying not to look at the picture just inside her
bedroom door.

Kathryn was drawn to the graphic the moment she saw it, in
that out of the way store on Venice Beach in 1996. She and
Chakotay had been following a vagrant, apparently the source
of a subspace reading that didn't belong to that time, while
Tuvok and Tom Paris were making a short trip to find out who
had observed Voyager.

She had told Chakotay to take some discrete readings of the
area north and, while he was occupied, she recorded the
picture with her tricorder.

There was something so sensuous about it, a female kneeling
in front of a nude male, her red hair gathered up in his
fist. At first she didn't know what there was about it that
attracted her but, later, she had realized that the hand was
so like Chakotay's, gentle and strong at the same time, the
veins standing up in relief on the back.

It was his hand, the one she wanted touching her, fisting up
her hair as she knelt before him.

It had been six months since they had returned to Voyager
from New Earth, six months living with the knowledge that
the man she loved was only down the corridor. She thought
being without Mark had been hard, but this was agony, and
she hoped in some quiet way that the picture would relieve
the chronic ache in her heart.

When things had settled down and they found themselves back
in the Delta Quadrant in their own time, she'd replicated a
copy of the picture from her recording, matted and framed
it.

She hung the picture on the inside wall of her bedroom,
positioning it so that it couldn't be seen from the other
room of her quarters, it was for her eyes only. And when she
had it positioned just so, she removed her uniform, taken a
long soothing bath and then curled up in her bed in the
nude, her eyes glued to the two figures.

The pings of desire had moved through her, inviting her
fingers to quest down in circles to relive the throb that
pulsed between her thighs. It wasn't enough; it couldn't be
enough because the fingers touching her and the flesh she
touched were not his.

Try as she might, she hadn't been able to hang on to his
image, not even with the prompt of the poster. Her feelings
for him were too real to be held in some daydream of love
and yet her body demanded a release, so she turned from the
picture and drew down to the long held fantasies of Klingon
lovers and stroked until her orgasm spread its heat through
her.

She wished that they had consummated their love on New
Earth, or that knowing they were on Earth (even though it
was in the past) they had rented a hotel room and gave
themselves to each other. The loneliness of her life
weighted down on her, she wanted a real body in her bed, she
wanted to be held, and seeing her future spread out before
her, she knew that there were too many years of this
loneliness ahead for her to survive.

The Captain would survive and she would get Voyager home,
but unless something changed, Kathryn would not.

So each night for the past six weeks, she had stared at that
picture never quite knowing if it eased the longing or made
it worse, but which ever it was didn't matter because as
long as she held on to the picture, as long as there was
pleasure or pain, Kathryn survived.

But Kathryn didn't want to merely survive, she wanted to
live, and in that moment of realization she knew she needed
Chakotay, to talk to him, to simply be with him, and in that
one moment, she decided to grab the first opportunity.

---






















Chakotay worked on the crew rotations for over an hour
before he finally realized that all he had accomplished was
simply moving everyone around in a very large circle. In
simple frustration, he threw his working padd down on his
desk.

He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, finally
letting the frustration surface. He had to do something.
Voyager was so far away from Federation space. When he
thought about it, he realized that, more than anything else,
he just needed to spend time with her. He needed to talk to
her, to look at her face, to laugh with her just simply be,
it was time.

He tapped his combadge before he could talk himself out of
it.

"Chakotay to Janeway."

"Janeway here."

"Are you busy, Kathryn?"

"No just trying to read, what do you have in mind?"

"I have replicator rations left, how about dinner? My
treat."

Just the sound of his voice lightened her mood, "You're on
Commander, give me time to slip something on."

"Now that sounds interesting," his laugh flirted with her.
"You don't need to do anything special, come as you are."

"I really don't think it's a good idea for the Captain to be
padding through the ship with bare feet," she teased back.
"I'll be there in a few minutes, Janeway out."

Already feeling better, Chakotay programmed the replicater,
then went to his sleeping quarters to change into a simple
shirt and slacks. He had just finished running his fingers
through his hair in an effort to smooth it when he was
hailed by Kathryn.

He opened the door to find her smiling like she had on New
Earth, carrying a bottle of wine and a pair of sandals, her
feet bare.

"Kathryn?" he questioned as he stood aside allowing her to
enter his quarters.

"I just decided that Kathryn could walk to Chakotay's home
in her bare feet even if The Captain couldn't."

She handed the bottle of wine to him, "I brought something
for dessert. Now what are we eating, I think I'm hungry."

"How does Wild Mushroom Ravioli, with a green salad sound,"
he took chilled wine from her, looking at the label. "This
isn't synthehol! How did you get it?"

"Let's just say -- I have my ways," she laughed.

"Here," he handed two green salads to her and picked up two
plates of pasta and moved to the table, setting them down
next to the silverware and glasses of iced tea.

She took the salads and followed him, hoping that she didn't
appear to be as unsure as she felt. His invitation seemed a
sign; at just the sound of his voice had filled her with
hope. She resolved to do anything rather that continue to
live in the limbo she had occupied for the last few months.
She knew it was time, time to tell him that she loved him,
time to find out if he still loved her.

Setting the salad plates down, she slid into the chair he
held for her. He let his hand brush softly against her back
with a cautious caress, as if testing the water before he
dived in.

Kathryn felt the soft slip of his fingers that sent a
warming thrum through her, so she gently touched his hand,
so like the hand in the picture, as it rested on the table.
She didn't know how far tonight would go, but she was going
to find out.

Chakotay pulled out the chair across from her and slipped
in. He wanted to see her, there was something different that
he couldn't quite put his finger on, but it filled him with
hope.

He shook out his napkin, putting it in his lap, as he
watched her take the first bite and hum in appreciation.

"This is very good, much better than the ‘what is it' Neelix
is serving tonight."

He laughed, "I'm glad you joined me, I was afraid you
wouldn't after you turned down skiing."

"I should have gone with you because I certainly didn't get
anything constructive done today."

"You too? I decided that I didn't want to go skiing either.
I tried to work on the crew rotations for leave but I didn't
get anywhere."

It really wasn't what they said or even what they were
eating, but everything was tinged with a special feeling,
relaxed and eternal.

They teased each other, laughed, being plain Kathryn and
Chakotay, the two that were more than friends and more than
Voyager's command team.

Chakotay pushed back his empty plate, "I've missed this,
Kathryn."

She drew circles around the rim of her glass, "I have too.
This was like the dinners we had on New Earth."

Again, hope filled him, "Are you saying we should try to
recapture the relationship we had there?"

"No, I think we should build on it. I thought surely we
could find a way home soon, but lately I've realized that
waiting for home isn't enough, I think I deserve a little
'now' in my life and I'd like to explore that with you. That
is if you feel the same way?"

"If I do? Why do you think I invited you to dinner? I was
going to give you the same speech."

She smiled, "Shall we toast this with the champagne?"

"Now I know why you brought it," he got up to get a couple
of clean glasses while Kathryn wrestled with the cork.

She was pushing on the cork with her thumbs when he turned
back, "Be careful, you're supposed to turn. . . " the cork flew
out of her hands with a loud pop and the champagne spewed up
drenching her hair and wetting the front of her dress.
"...the bottle not the cork, " he finished with a laugh.

"Now you tell me. I need a washcloth and a towel."

"You know the way to the bathroom, Kathryn," and he started
mopping up spilled champagne. "I'll put the bottle back in
stasis until you're ready."

His bathroom was almost as large as hers, except he had an
old-fashioned glassed-in shower in the place of the bathtub.
She grabbed a towel and tried blotting the champagne from
her hair, and from her dress.

"Chakotay, what did you do with your bathtub?" She asked,
walking out of the bathroom with the towel draped over her
head.

"I didn't do anything with the tub, I think your former
first officer changed it," he laughed as he walked to the
door.

She pulled the towel away from her head and looked up but a
familiar flash of auburn caught her eye and there, on his
wall, was her poster.

She stopped, just staring at the picture, feeling the heat
it always conjured throb through her body.

"Where did you get this?"

"Is there something wrong, Kathryn?" he asked. "Don't you
like my picture?"

Kathryn Janeway was a scientist, she didn't believe in omens
or signs, and yet there was the picture hanging on
Chakotay's bedroom wall, and it filled her up with a new
hope for the future. Her thoughts jumped in a jumbled
confusion, how far could she go, how far should she go?

She was afraid that if she spoke she would stammer, but she
did anyway, "It's beautiful, but I really didn't expect to
find something this. . . "

"Sexy, Kathryn?"

"Well I was going to say sensuous, but yes." And she knew
she had to know everything. "What do you see when you look
at it, Chakotay?"

He wanted to answer her, to tell her the truth, but he was
afraid and yet he had to tell her. . .  for once, he had to tell
her. "You, Kathryn, I see you."

She could feel the tension radiating from him as he stood
behind her, "I see you too Chakotay, I see us." And she
turned to him, slipping her arms around his body.

He couldn't think why she was in his arms, but he wasn't
going to question it, maybe later but not now.

When she turned her face up to look at him, he pressed his
lips to hers.

She snuggled in closer, angling her body so that if fit
against his, opening her mouth, and tracing his lips with
her tongue. With a strangled groan, he pushed her tongue
back in her mouth and following it with his.

His bewildered mind couldn't quite grasp what was happening,
but his reflexes worked long enough for his senses to settle
and for him to realize that Kathryn was finally in his arms,
and he was kissing her.

He savored her sweet kisses that tasted of honey-laced tea,
kisses that fed the fire within, stoking it until its heat
flowed through him. He lapped at her mouth, pulling her even
closer, her responding quake adding to the inferno inside.

Joy bubbled through her as she gave in to his drugging
kisses, kisses that moved from her mouth to her cheeks and
fluttered over her eyelids almost in rhythm with his hands
that rubbed down her back to cup her bottom and press her
into the ridge that tented his trousers.

"What do you want?" he whispered into the shell of her ear
before moving down to nibble on the soft area where her neck
and shoulder joined.

Exultation rolled through her, "Everything, I want
everything."

She pulled open his shirt as he released the fastening on
the front of her dress. She ran her fingertips over the
smooth skin on his shoulders, and when he had opened the
front of her dress, she pressed herself against his naked
chest.

He shuddered; his control slipping and he pushed her down to
the floor. He covered her, pushing one knee between hers,
sucking strongly at her breast as he pushed her skirt up to
her waist. He ran his hand up her thigh and growled in
frustration when he found her underpants. He hooked his
fingers into the fabric jerking them down to her knees.

The scrape of his trousers against her was unbearable, when
all she could think of was the smooth slide of his bare skin
between her thighs. He reared back long enough to push his
trousers down, freeing the hard flesh of his erection, long
enough for her to push her underpants with her toes and kick
them away from her.

Just as quickly he was back, his ridged penis resting
against her. He held himself up on one hand while he slipped
the other down to caress the damp silk of her flesh and sent
vibrant, sparkling desire through her. She twisted beneath
him, arching up then falling back, wrapping her legs around
him, pulling his body closer.

All the months of wanting and not having, of needing and not
taking, focused in and when she made a shaky sound of
response, Chakotay lost all control and plunged deep within
her body, sheathing himself in the silky dampness of
Kathryn. Her body quivered with the force of his entry, her
heart raced and she rejoiced.

He moaned in relief as the unbearable ache changed into
unbearable pleasure, but within seconds, reflex took control
and he pulled away only to slide back in deeper. Again and
again he pounded and she took it, reveled in it, jerked her
hips up in receipt of it, hammering back to give as good as
she got. If he was wild then so was she; she twisted,
pushing herself up at him straining with him for completion.

She clutched at him, her nails digging into his back,
arching up, meeting him again and again. Driven by an
outburst of desire she struggled, until that undulating
heave of need exploded within without warning, and then it
happened again, tossing her higher into the maelstrom of her
orgasm.

He felt her first release clench at him and pushed deeper,
seeking his own when the second one caught him, driving away
sanity, running pleasure down the backs of his thighs,
consuming him with rapture until his climax burst within
her.

They lay on the floor in the dreamy afterglow for a long
time that may have been only minutes, until finally he
pulled away, half dragging her and half crawling until they
were both on his bed, managing to remove her remaining
clothing and shucking his own trousers and shoes.

She turned in his arms, kissing his shoulders and neck up to
his mouth, murmuring words of love and forever. He answered
her with his own affirmation, whispered against her skin as
he explored her with his tongue, tasting the champagne that
had drenched her. He'd intended to be easier with her this
time, but as soon as he penetrated her, she made a feral
sound in her throat and her hips rolled and he went wild
again.

The night was spent in glorious pleasure until, exhausted,
they slept the deep sleep of the truly sated, in each
other's arms.

--

He awoke first to find her draped on top of him, her head
neatly tucked under his chin. She shifted her body and an
echo of last night's pleasure stirred.

"Wake up" he whispered against her hair.

"No," she snuggled in closer.

"Kathryn, we have obligations, and as much as I love waking
up like this, we have a ship to run."

"Don't remind me, I just want to stay here for a while."

"I'm not complaining, but why are you sleeping on top of
me?"

She raised her head up to look him in the eyes, "Your bed's
too small. Tonight I think we should be in my bed."

His heart sang at the promise in her voice. She was his.

She kissed him and then moving off of his body she sat on
the edge of the bed. "I really need to clean up."

"You know where my bathroom is," he laughed.

"Chakotay, you don't have a tub."

"I've got something better. A shower big enough for two." He
rolled off the bed, and standing, he reached out his hand.
"Share it with me?"

"Ok, but breakfast is on me. Besides, I have something in my
quarters to show you."

"Now I'm curious, what is it?"

"I don't know if I can explain, it would be better just to
show you. You'll understand when you see it. Now, let's have
that shower because I'm ready to start the first day of the
rest of my life with you."

---

The End