The BLTS Archive - Reflections
by Cardassian Fire (cardassian_fire@yahoo.com)

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Prophets. It would have been better if it had been some sort of
mirror universe. If it reversed what we were instead of showing
hidden parts of ourselves. Really, Miles or Dax, they aren't much
different in either universe. But me? The overbearing, over sexual
Intendant? A woman consumed by dreams of conquest? But still,
there's something there, some part of her that resonated in me.

Maybe it's because I had to fight for survival for so long that I
could only accept a man who seems more powerful than myself, whether
that power is in politics or in the bedroom. So, I'm attracted to
Bareil, the humble Vedek willing to take on Winn and any others who
would put themselves before the good of the people. That was his
undoing though. I still can't get over the sight of him in the
infirmary. He'd gone from having the quiet force of the streams that
cut through mountains to being an unfeeling robot, all for the good
of Bajor. In the end, what good did those damn talks with the
Cardassians do? Nothing. It just elevated that bitch to being Kai.

Then there's his reflection, the mirror Bareil who came to our
universe to steal the orb. And why? Because the Intendant told him
to. Because she had that kind of sway over him. Because she
controlled him in a way that I could never control mine; to do her
will, not the will of the Prophets or Bajor. I'll admit it, I envy
her that.

And how about Shakaar? The rebel leader whose charisma gave me the
strength to take up arms against the Cardassians? He became just
another bureaucrat, pushing padds and signing laws. As soon as I
thought he lost his edge, I left him. So I deserted him. So, maybe
there wasn't anything more besides what we shared from when we
fought against the occupation. I'm not even sure if I was ever
attracted to anything but being that close to power. There's a hell
of a lot of difference between being a noble warrior queen, fighting
in the trenches, seeing comrades die before you every day and being
a politician's lover.

Then there's Dukat. I hate him. I curse him with my soul's last
breath. But, there's something there. He was never afraid to put his
needs above Cardassia's. If he had to fight his own people, so be
it. If he had to kill innocents to win his battles, it didn't matter
to him. I kept reminding myself over and over of the atrocities he
committed, of what he must have done to my own mother. But still,
the image of him as sort of a deposed king comes to mind. His raw,
harsh, seductive power. I'd be lying to myself if I said it didn't
affect me. Hell, how many times did I catch myself starting to play
that stupid Cardassian game of courtship, insulting and threatening
him until I felt the heat rising in both of us, then having to jerk
myself away from that ledge before I fell into that pit. He knew
what buttons to push. He'd be a perfect mate for her.

And finally, Odo. Poor Odo. Ours was the closest I'd ever come to
having a life partner. Maybe it's because deep down I might have
felt we had a connection for some time before he acted on it. Yet,
he was willing to worship me from afar, to give me the power over
him. Odo, who could change into a razorcat. Odo, who would go to any
length to please me. When I saw the control of the Founders had over
their people, I admit it; I loved having that kind of control over
him. But it was more, we did have a bond, a commonality that only
those who have been through so much together have. There was no hero-
worship, like there was with Bareil or Shakaar. He could be so
innocent and giving. But what comes back to me is that the Intendant
felt something for her Odo. I have no idea how deep their feelings
went for each other, if he spent nights in her bed, treating her
like my lover did me. That thought causes a cold ripple to run down
my spine.

So, what am I? Am I a woman who can only find joy in controlling a
man of power? All those nights filled with fear, waiting for the
enemy attack, and the days with hunger and trepidation. Am I willing
to treat a lover as an equal, not so much as a guard dog, but as a
true mate? I just wish now, in the night, that I still had Odo, so
that I could see if we could take this next step together. But there
he is, trying to bring his people around to a more peaceful
consensus.

I'm probably the only woman who's ever been dumped so many times for
the good of the people. I want someone who is willing to say that my
needs outweigh the needs of the rest, that when he says he'd give up
anything for me, he means it. And I don't want to be haunted by her
ghost anymore.

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The End