The BLTS Archive - Eclipse: Part One Fifth in the Jack series by Bratkatze (bratkatze@aol.com) --- This arc deals with mature themes of sex and violence in a hopefully realistic fashion. There are no easy answers in life and there are none here. That said, Eclipse is posting in two parts for a reason. Part One is rated "R". In order to follow the progression of the saga of Jack Feeney, you will need to read Part One. Part Two is not rated - there is no rating that qualifies for it. The American standards of NC-17 or NR would not even cover it. So why write it? Sections of Part Two were actually written first and I see it as an natural progression of the events in Prism. I do not feel the violence is gratuitous, sensational, or titillating. It's been sitting on my computer for over two weeks in various forms. I had reworked it and toned it down, but then I heard the terms "rape fantasy" twice in one week and later read a story in which a rape victim recovered immediately from a horrific ordeal upon discovering love. The latter is the true fantasy. Rape is an ugly, brutal, dehumanizing crime. I am going with my original version of Part Two, I challenge anyone to say this is someone's fantasy. There are people on this list and elsewhere who would not want to read about such violence. In some cases they live with it everyday. I respect that. To that end, while what happens in Part Two of Eclipse will fuel the actions and interactions for the remainder of this series, however far it goes, you DO NOT need to read Part Two to follow the story. The next segment will be written in such a fashion, that the events in Eclipse Part Two will be dealt with, but you won't need to go through the details. You will need to read Eclipse Part One to follow the storyline, however. If you are going to pass this on, please respect that many people have issues with the themes discussed here in. The stories shouldn't go to minors and the above notes should stay with each Part. You would be doing a great disservice to the reader to pass it on without the appropriate warning. BratKatze --- (Two weeks after Prism) --- Tom Paris, personal log --- It almost happened today. In the mess hall of all places. I was having lunch with Meg and Jenny when I saw them. Harry and B'Elanna. They were in a corner, furthest from our table and they were holding hands. Nothing more. Hers was resting lightly in his and he was lightly rubbing his thumb along the side of her finger caressing her skin. An incredibly tender gesture. He smiled at her and her face lit up, or I should say her eyes, kind of like a warp core. A moment of love amidst the hustle of the day. It lasted no more than a moment, but that moment threatened to break me. I bolted from the room not caring what Meg and Jenny thought. I suppose I'll have to blame poor Neelix's cooking. Despite what we say, it really isn't that bad. I just couldn't let them or the crew see the sight of Tom Paris breaking down in tears in the middle of the mess hall and bawling like a babe till his nose turned red. I haven't cried since I was seven. If anyone had seen me I know what they would have thought. Poor Tom. Grieving over the loss of his lover and his best friend. But they would be wrong. It's the absence of love I'm grieving for, not the loss of it. That is something different. I never loved B'Elanna. I know that now. I cared for her, cherished her, but loved her? No. Watching them together has shown me what love is, shown me what we lacked. It was the touch you see. We never touched like that. I think don't either of us knew how to. We never had those calm tender caresses. I've never had them with anyone. I suddenly realized that in the mess and that's what broke me. I'm not jealous of Harry and B'Elanna, it's their love I covet. I've never really been touched. Not since my mother said I was a big boy and beyond such things. Oh B'Elanna and I had physical contact. But the touch was always a means to an end. Wild, incredible sex being that end. No one has ever run a gentle hand over my palm just because. No one has cupped my chin and smiled into my eyes. Until recently it never dawned on me what was missing, what was lacking from my life. Physical contact has always been about something, getting or giving something. Only the Captain has touched me and wanted nothing. I suppose that's why I'd follow her to hell if she asked me. I could blame all this on Chakotay. I could pretend that until that day on the beach I never wanted more, that I was happy, all right, accepting of my life. But this has been building for some time. That day only brought to the surface what's been festering beneath. After Caldik Prime I never stayed in any one place long enough to form attachments, know people, see how they cared for each other, observe their lives. I've been on Voyager longer than I've been in any one place since the Academy and it's made me restless. Perhaps that is why Steth's talk seem so attractive at first. In the moment Chakotay touched me, ran his hand through my hair, caressed my cheek with his fingers, I came undone. For the first time in what seems like forever I felt safe, desired, cared for. And at that moment, I wanted the whole deal. The little house with the white picket fence. But that dream is not for me. It never was. Until that day I could ignore it. But now it slaps me in the face. Everywhere I turn, I see it. I almost went back to Jack several times since that day. He's not my dream, but he is my reality. Jack and his kind are the hand I've been dealt. It doesn't have to be Jack Feeney. Change the name, the fact remains the same. Some people hold hands and walk on sunset beaches, others fuck in the shadows of alleys. I'm glad B'Elanna found her sunset. I hope she can keep it. There have been more Jacks in my life than B'Elannas. Jack is what I understand, no expectations, disappointments, or heartache. But no, I did not go to him. Something about him has changed, he wants more now than a simple fuck. I may be in a self-pitying funk, but I'm not stupid. I haven't survived by being stupid, no matter what people seem to think. They all want to counsel me, give me advice on my life, Jack in particular. As if any of them could really understand. I've seen more of life than most of them have dreamed. Even the most of the former Maquis, like Chakotay, spent the majority of their lives within the confines of the Starfleet Universe. In a sense, they have been protected from the worst our own natures have to offer. They are the ones who need protection, for whom light is light and dark is dark. Not me, I've lived in the shadows and the shades of gray. I've been both the victim and the villain. B'Elanna understood that, lived it. It was one reason why we got together, something we alone seemed to share. With her I never felt foolish, stupid, or weak. I could be me. She accepted my faults without making excuses for them. Bad luck, rotten choice, get over it and move on, she'd say. It was only when she started being understanding, less Klingon, that the problems began. She tried to change, to make me happier, but that made things worse. Or maybe I changed. Who knows. I've been staying away from all of them, Jack, the Captain, Neelix, Harry, Chakotay. Hiding in my quarters after shift, watching the stars and feeling sorry for myself. For the most part, they have left me pretty much alone. The Captain knows something is wrong. I see the looks she gives me. She tried to drag me the other night to Sandrine's but I would have none of it. Chakotay looks at me as if he would suck all the pain and hurt from my soul, if I'd let him. But I won't. It may not be much, but it is all I have. So I act outrageously, weaving my pain around me like a cloak. I protect it with wisecracks, jokes and a behavior that treads the line of insubordination. It keeps them moving on, keeps me safe. Pain is a constant companion, an old friend who lets me know I am not dead. Without it I would have nothing, so I guard it zealously. Jack has tried to see me several times now. But I've ignored him. It's over for good between us. If we weren't trapped on Voyager I would have left the planet, the system by now. I'll have to deal with him eventually and the longer I delay, the more unpleasant it is likely to be. Chakotay would have it that Jack was using me but truth be told, I was using Jack as much as he did me. If there wasn't something in it for me, why would I agree to fuck him? I'm not that dumb or that charitable. I just can't seem to make anyone understand that maybe what I wanted from Jack was not something they would look twice at. After that day on the beach, I had Tuvok remove his secret alarm. Why? Not because I didn't think Jack would try to see me. I knew he would. Mostly because I knew Tuvok would tell Chakotay and it would hurt him, Chakotay I mean. Petty? Vindictive? Yes. I was angry so I struck out by slapping the helping hand away. I don't need his pity, I don't need to be someone else's 'project'. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I've done it for years, though I'm sure they would debate my success. I'd like to see how well any of them would have done under similar circumstances. I can handle Jack. I've been handling his kind since my cradle. The Paris legacy I suppose. Jack was just more honest than most. Until recently he made no secret about what he was after, no false promises. He never insulted my intelligence with lies. That was the one reason I continued seeing him. I trusted him. Jack could never truly hurt me for he never really touched me. His only allegiance was to himself and his own desires and he made no apologies or excuses. I knew exactly what I meant to him. Nothing. Now he wants something, but I'm still not completely sure what. Control, power, I don't know. He wants to touch the part of me that I keep separate, safe. He wants to consume me. The initial appeal of someone like Jack is something the Captain, Chakotay, Harry, even Meg, Jenny, and Neelix will never understand, it separates me from them. Yet they still try to breach that gap in a thousand little ways. Sixty years is a long time to fend them off by avoidance. So to prove to all of them that I am fine, normal, recovered, whatever it is they need to think I am, I will be attending Harry and B'Elanna's engagement party tonight. I even created a holoprogram as a gift. A romantic, tropical, sunset beach filled with soft light, delicate shells and calm breezes. If I am feeling charitable I'll warn them about the 15 angry Klingon warriors nested in the beta subroutine. If I am lucky they will finally understand that some people are just meant to be alone. End personal log --- By the time he'd finished the long neglected reports Chakotay discovered he was late for the engagement party. The situation with Tom had preoccupied his mind too much of late and his work had suffered. Too often he would find himself lost in thought, rehashing what he could have done differently. As he feared, his actions had indeed made the situation 'worse'. He was out of his depth here, dealing with emotions and entanglements far too turbulent, some of them his own. He had contacted his Spirit guide hoping to gain focus and insight into his feelings for Tom, but like the troubling lieutenant, she refused to speak to him. And he was left wandering in darkness as a growing eclipse shadowed the familiar forest. He was not in the mood for a party, but this was for B'Elanna. He had to go both as a friend and a senior officer. It wasn't the first engagement on Voyager, but it was the first with members from both crews. Kathryn had confessed to him that she hoped this would signal the beginning of a new era, where differences of origin no longer mattered. One crew, one ship. There was still resistance to complete integration. His rotation scheme had failed dismally. Efficiency overall had been down 20% and upon Tuvok's recommendation, Kathryn had reverted to the traditional shifts. She had tried to soften the blow with a smile and a promise to try again it in a few months, but it didn't matter. It had mostly been a means to keep Tom away from Jack, but that was no longer his concern. Tom had made that clear. By the time he reached the holodeck, the celebration was in full swing. Neelix's Resort was alive with laughter and music as the crew celebrated the announcement of B'Elanna and Harry's engagement. The turnout was promising, it looked like most of the off-duty personnel was in attendance. When Neelix first announced the party Chakotay had been afraid of the crew's response. Some still fingered Harry as the cause of Tom and B'Elanna's breakup and some bad feelings still lingered. Worse, older differences had surfaced; mostly from the lower decks where the former crew lines tended to remain strong. But between Neelix, Carey and Wildman most had been convinced to put their feelings aside and attend. Of course rumor had it that Carey and the crew in Engineering had threatened to break anyone's arm who was off duty and missed the party. Whatever the reason, the holodeck was alive, a fact that obviously pleased Neelix, who in his self-appointed role of Master or Ceremonies, was rushing forward to greet him. "Greetings Commander. Glad you could make it." "Hello Neelix. It looks like an excellent turnout, you've certainly outdone yourself." "Why thank you. Not too shabby if I do say so myself. I've tried to recreate the blending of cultures from our two lovebirds so we have some oriental delicacies as well as some Klingon fare." Neelix paused before leaning forward to whisper conspiratorially, "As well as some Talaxian specialties I've added. I am especially proud of the Malaian mousse. It's a staple at all joining celebrations on Talaxia. No gathering would be complete without it." "I'm sure it's wonderful Neelix." Chakotay made a note to avoid the mousse at all costs. "Though I must say the recipe for bloodwine leaves much to be desired. I'm sure the file in the database must have corrupted and some ingredients are missing." Neelix's eye darted to the one of the holographic waiters just passing. "Would you like some gagh, Commander?" he offered. "No! Thank you Neelix, not right now. I'd like to pay my respects to the happy couple first." "Of course. They are right over there under the greeting arch. It's too bad though." "What's too bad?" "I had hoped Tom would be joining us, but I guess not. I understand that this must be painful for him. But I had hoped he might be able to attended, even if just for a little while. I tried talking to him about it this morning. He said he would think about it. I had hoped my words might have some effect on him. I have a special stock of tomato soup on the side. It's his favorite." "Neelix I'm sure your words weighed heavily with Tom, but it is an awkward situation. Perhaps he'll still show. The party's only just really started, give him some time." "Yes Commander, of course, you are right. Now, if you'll excuse me," Neelix hurried off, arms waving dramatically as his eye caught three of his waiters setting out a large mountain of what looked to be candied Leola root onto the buffet table. "No, no that doesn't go there." Chakotay shook his head as Neelix rushed off to rescue his mountain and went to greet Harry and B'Elanna. After much, occasionally violent, debate between them, Harry and B'Elanna had opted for dress uniforms for the party. Harry had wanted more traditional garb while B'Elanna wanted "something comfortable". Neither looked particularly thrilled with the compromise. "Congratulations to both of you." Chakotay smiled and shook Harry's hand before pausing to kiss B'Elanna's cheek. "It's quite a party." "Yes well. . ." Harry seemed ill at ease, fidgety, as he twisted at his collar. "Is something wrong Harry?" "His collar is too tight and Neelix's mousse is giving him a rash." B'Elanna explained, rolling her eyes at her fiancee. "You didn't try it." Harry accused. B'Elanna shook her head indulgently then smiled. "Harry, do I look stupid?" In spite of himself, Chakotay smiled. "You two already sound like a married couple, and you only just became engaged. I was thinking what you'd be like in twenty years time." "She'll probably have me brow-beaten into submission like her lackeys in Engineering. Hey, ow that hurt." Harry retreated two steps after B'Elanna pinched him. Smiling seductively at her out-of-reach fiancee, B'Elanna purred, "Harry, go dance with Seven.". "Excuse me?" "I promised the Doctor you would help him teach Seven how to dance, now go. Besides, it will keep your mind off the rash." "B'Elanna. . . " "Go." That said, B'Elanna stepped forward, turned Harry in Seven's direction, and pushed her reluctant fiancee onto the dance floor. Chakotay watched Harry awkwardly approach Seven and the Doctor, then turned to B'Elanna. "You really promised to help teach Seven to dance?" Until recently there had been no love lost between the two women. B'Elanna watched Harry lead a very stiff Seven onto a corner of the floor. She nodded once to him approvingly, before turning back to Chakotay. "No." She answered with a smile. " But I thought it would be fun to watch. Besides I wanted to talk to you. Privately." "Is something wrong B'Elanna?" "Yes. Tom Paris." B'Elanna fairly spat the name. "Oh." "Don't 'Oh' me Chakotay. What's going on? You and Tom seemed fairly chummy the past few weeks, but suddenly it's like you two can't seem to be in the same room together. It's like Tom can't be in the same room with anybody." "There are some things Tom needs to work out at the moment." As do I, he added silently. "You know what bothers me Chakotay. Tom should have been here. Harry made a special point of inviting Tom and it's being thrown in his face. He was hoping to start mending their friendship. He misses having Tom as a part of life. He hasn't said anything but I know he's disappointed. Every time the doors open, I see his eyes dart in that direction. The least Paris could have done was be honest and send a message he wasn't coming. I could have lived with that." As she spoke, B'Elanna became more agitated, her hands clenching and unclenching as she paced. Chakotay sighed. Tom wasn't here because of him. Because of his mistakes. He couldn't let his pride destroy whatever chance Tom, Harry, and B'Elanna had of recapturing their friendship. "B'Elanna," He reached out and placing his hands on her shoulders stilled her pacing. "It's not about Harry or you. It's because of me that Tom isn't here." "You? "Something happened between me and Tom and if he's not here, it's probably because he knows I will be." B'Elanna raised a brow. Obviously he would have to say more to convince her. "I found myself attracted to Tom and I kissed him." The softly spoken words flew from his lips. "You what?" She tilted her head as if unsure she understood. "I kissed him. It's a long story, but suffice to say, I said the wrong thing afterwards and . . ." "That's the cause of all the tension on the bridge?" She looked up at him as if unbelieving the answer could be so simple. "A big part of it, yes." "What did you say?" "It's not important." "Chakotay. I'm getting the sense that there is more here." "Maybe, but that's the essential part of it. If you want, I'll leave. You can let Tom know. I'm sure he'll come." "No." Arms crossed, her voice was adamant. "B'Elanna. . ." She raised her eyes to his and placed a hand on his arm willing him to listen. "Chakotay, you're my friend and you're here. If whatever Tom still feels for Harry isn't strong enough to overlook the fact that you are here, then maybe there is no way to save what was between them. I'm not giving you up for Tom. You are important to me. If Tom has to attach conditions to friendship then that friendship isn't important enough to him and Harry would be better off without him." "Isn't that a little . . ." "Harsh, Chakotay?" B'Elanna shook her head. A gesture more in frustration than anger. But when she spoke the timber of her words was bitter. "Listen, I don't know what it is about everybody on this ship but you all treat Tom as if he were something special. Either he is the worst liar, cheat, and coward or he's something fragile that needs to be treated with care. He's a grown man, Chakotay. Yes, he's had his hard knocks and he's made some pretty dumb choices with his life. But the only person responsible for Tom Paris is Tom Paris. He can take care of himself and make his own choices and live with consequences, it's what the rest of us have to do. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to rescue Seven from Harry." "Harry from Seven," he corrected. "No," she smiled. "you've never seen Harry dance, Chakotay. Not even her Borgness deserves that." Chakotay watched B'Elanna go rescue Seven. She was right. For all that he was an excellent musician Harry Kim was a truly bad dancer. By all rights Chakotay knew he should leave. He could comm Tom, let him know he was leaving and give Tom the option to appear. But then maybe B'Elanna was right. Tom was a grown man capable of making his own choices and decisions. He had tried to cosset Tom once and look where that had gotten him. Not only had it pissed Paris off, but it probably had ruined any chance for something more between them. Truth be told, it was his fault more than Paris'. When he'd kissed Tom, suddenly he wanted more. Backing off for Tom's sake had only been an excuse. He wasn't afraid for Tom, he was afraid of Tom, of the effect Tom had on him. There had always been strong emotion between them, most of it bad; to so suddenly shift gears was terrifying. When he'd kissed Tom, Chakotay wanted more, more than Paris was likely to give, more than he had any right to expect or desire. He was not a man made of stone, he'd been hurt before and instinctively, the moment his lips pressed to Tom's, the moment his tongue tasted the flavor of Tom's mouth, the moment he felt Tom's skin pressed beneath his, Chakotay knew. He knew that he could care for Tom Paris, perhaps even love him, and that Tom could break his heart. So he retreated behind the concerned Commander persona. He was a coward then and a coward now for staying. But tonight he needed a little distraction so he stayed, and he danced, and he talked, and for a little while Chakotay forgot about Tom Paris. --- Tom sighed as he finished dressing. He was nervous and unsure of what to wear. Piles of clothes lay scattered over his quarters. And now he was late. If he were really honest about it he'd acknowledge that he was merely delaying the inevitable. He'd almost refused when Harry had invited him. But something in Harry's eyes made him say yes. It was almost as if Harry needed Tom's approval to go through with this, which he didn't. The only other option was to stick around feeling sorry for himself and the mess he'd made of his life. And that had started to get old. Why the hell had he been surprised? It's not like Chakotay and he were friends after all, like they had anything in common. He should have been suspicious when the Commander had started spending time with him, if he was hurt, it was his own fault. He ought to have known better. But it had been nice for the time it lasted. It had felt like a real friendship. He supposed he was getting soft that he'd fallen so easily, there always was an angle. He could stay in his quarters, lick his wounds. But, . . . it was Harry and B'Elanna's engagement and he'd been invited. If it had been anyone else it would have been to rub his face in it, but they meant well. Harry was trying to mend their friendship. Tom wasn't sure it could be done, but a lifetime was a long time to spend avoiding people at close quarters. And it's wasn't like he would be surfing anytime soon. As he reached for his jacket there was a noise from the outer room of his cabin. For a moment, Tom thought he'd heard the doors open. But that was impossible. The command level door codes were impenetrable except by the Captain, Chakotay, and Tuvok. It was probably Jack still trying though. Tom sighed. He couldn't avoid Feeney forever. He supposed it was inevitable. Hiding in his quarters and destroying Jack's messages wasn't going to accomplish anything. He'd talk to Jack after the party, tell him it was over. He might as well get the unpleasantness over with and move on. "Hello Tommy." Tom froze at the sound of that voice. Unpleasantness it seemed, had found its way inside. --- It hurt. The pain was everywhere. More pain than he'd even known. There was nothing but pain and cold and darkness. Waves of swirling darkness. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide when the darkness came and lifted him, carrying him on a dizzying ride deeper and deeper into nothingness. He screamed, but no one heard. He was alone. Then darkness was in him, flowing into him, choking him. He tried to fight but he was so tired, tired of being alone, tired of the pain, there was nothing left, so he let go and fell into the embracing void. Internal sensors registered life signs falling rapidly out of safety parameters and instituted an emergency beam out. Tom Paris materialized naked in Sick Bay, choking on the mixture of whiskey, blood, bile, and semen of his own vomit. --- The End (and end of series at the moment)