The BLTS Archive - The Pride of Lions
Part Six
by Blue Champage (rowan-shults@sbcglobal.net)

---
TWENTY-SIX:
"I'll take the blame--you mean that much to me...
I forgive you." 

Maria McKee
---

My quarters were dark again.

"I'm home, love, are you all right?" I said softly to the starlight.

"Computer, quarter lights." He was sitting up on the sofa, apparently
having been curled up there. I went to him, but as I passed the
clay/jademorph sanctum and caught sight of the easel, I stopped.

The canvas was covered with a shocking abstract rendering. Well, not
entirely abstract; it reminded me a great deal of Escher in the
impossible angles and vanishing pillars and arches, the side of one
aspect becoming the flat floor of another, and such; but it was done
in purple, red and black, and the colors melanged into each other in a
wholly separate version of the feeling of impossible dimension,
confusing the eye even farther, turning the three dimensions usually
distinguishably rendered on a flat medium to hundreds. I almost got
spacesick just looking at it.

"What is it?" I asked faintly.

"Me," he said quietly.

I just looked at him, then back at the incredible painting. "Tell me
about it," I said finally, coming to sit next to him.

"You said I should do more things like the waterfall--the way I
perceive things, the way they make me feel."

"Yes. And...*that*--" I gestured to the painting, "--is the way you're
feeling?"

"It's the way I see things. The colors are more the way I'm feeling.
I'm about to do something I can't believe, Julian. I'll probably never
forgive myself for it. If anyone in the resistance knew it, they'd
kill me out of hand. I can't ask you to...go against your conscience,
but...if you can...God bloody blast it." His face fell forward into
one hand. "I can't even tell you. I can't ask you what I want to ask
of you. You're just going to have to do what you think is right."

"Julie, are you all right?"

"No. A day or two ago I went to Garak for advice about it. Oh, don't
give me that look; he's been alive a long time, and he has a lot of
experience; and the topic was something he'd understand. The advice he
gave me was very sound and insightful...but I can't take it. I
*should* take it. Kashi read me a book once, in which a character--a
woman who was both a queen and a priestess--had to choose the good of
her people over the good of her soul; do something 'wrong'. She said
'Sometimes it is an indulgence to do right, a luxury one must deny
oneself.' " He paused.

"Go on," I said softly.

"I'm not going to deny myself. I'm not going to do the wrong thing,
which I should do; I'm going to do the right thing, which I shouldn't.
Here." He picked up an isolinear rod from the endtable and handed it
to me. "Look at it."

"It's not labeled..."

"I mean look at it on the monitor, dimwit."

"Oh. Of course." I got up and went to the desk. He got up and went
into the bedroom.

As I watched the screen, a strange, frozen feeling settled over
me--that feeling on hearing that someone loved has died suddenly for
no reason, that your parents had you refitted when you weren't what
they'd wanted, that...someone you love has been lying to you about
something vital. That this someone may not even love you. A feeling of
unreality, of insides turning to water...no, it can't be. It simply
can't.

I forced myself to get up and take one step after another until I was
able to brace myself on the edge of the bedroom door. I couldn't
speak; I could only look at him. A million questions were trying to
form themselves in my head, and as a result I couldn't get even one
put together. I wondered if this was how Julie had felt, before his
therapy started.

He was curled up in the chair by the port. "I can't ask you to let me
have it," Julie whispered. "And I know you won't. But some ridiculous
part of me still hopes that you will."

"I can't," I managed to whisper.

"Then you do know what it is."

"Yes."

"It isn't actually a weapon," he managed to whisper.

"It..." my throat was thick. I tried again. "It would
make...Terra...the foremost power in the...in the Alpha quadrant on
your...Julie...it's too much."

He was silent.

I moved woodenly to the bed and sat. "Why did you tell me?"

"Because I couldn't think of a way to convince you not to run to my
side if we had to run at all, it makes too much sense. Not any way I
could live with, at least."

"So it's only because I'd likely have found out that you're telling me
about it."

He shook his head. Large tears stood in his eyes, and when he moved
his head, they fell. "No," he said, his voice strangled, and then
closed his eyes, lips pressed together.

"Why, then? After everything you've gone through to get it. After
everything that..." I couldn't continue.

"Because I couldn't do it to you. I could have found a way to get it
across. I could have got it to Smiley somehow, it wouldn't have been
that hard...but you would have known. You would have believed that
I...have only been...that I'm only here because of that."

"Are you saying you're not?" I was surprised at how calm my voice was.
My insides were screaming.

"No," he said again in obvious anguish. "I came because you asked me,
and I wanted to be with you! I never expected...that..."

"Oh, come. Surely in all your researching you had some thought of
managing to bring back something that--"

"It wasn't like that. I went to--I had to go to some effort to get
that so that I would...have something, to be certain my people
wouldn't suffer the lack of me; because I wanted to stay with you, but
I couldn't abandon them. No more than you could abandon those patients
in the infirmary."

"Julie..." I knew that he was different from me. I knew the way his
mind worked, how different his background and morals were from mine,
but this was the first time it came fully home. The Terran Empire had
not been a benign organization, and what Julie was going to give the
rebels could have made them into another such organization. It might
not have, after the lessons they learned as an enslaved people
themselves...but that would be entirely up to them; they would, given
time, have the capability--and this would have happened because *I*
had trusted Julie, had convinced Captain Sisko to trust him, to risk
reputation and repercussions to allow him to stay here with me. It
would have happened because I'd believed in Julie, and so many others
had believed in me.

He would have done this just so that one man could be with someone he
wanted to be with...and, in and of itself, he would not have
considered it wrong. He believed that what he was doing *now*, telling
me, giving up the opportunity, was weak and selfish.

"Julie...don't you realize what you almost *did*?"

"I almost saved my people from slow genocide," he said bitterly, and
hid his face in his arms.

Part of me was horrified, at myself and at him--furious with myself
for playing the blind trusting fool yet again at this late date. Part
of me was weeping with the hurt of the betrayal--one that he couldn't
even see *was* a betrayal. Part of me was analytical; I should destroy
the data rod, I should inform Captain Sisko, I should...I should...I
didn't know what I should do.

"Julian, please say something," he whispered.

There was a moment of silence, and I managed to say "I wouldn't have
believed it." It wasn't meant as an upbraiding, just as a fact.

"You promised," he whispered, and buried his face in his knees,
wrapping his arms around them.

I promised...promised what? I'd promised him the bloody moon is what
I'd promised him...oh. Yes. That. *Did* I still love him? I knew I had
to, I knew I must...but right at that moment, I didn't feel that I
even really knew him.

Slowly, I began to feel a bit clearer and more able to think. How fair
was I being? After all, he *had* given me the data, not taken it back
to the Mirrorverse. He'd just betrayed his whole race...only so I
wouldn't think he'd been using me. He had, in a way. But it had not
been premeditated; I believed that. Whether I'd have believed it if
he'd gone through with it...I don't know.

I should have been willing to admit the differences in us. They
weren't even really innate--they were cultural, but I still hadn't
wanted to admit to myself they were there, even as I gave lip service
to their existence. Was I angry with him because he had done something
that would have been a heinous crime if *I'd* done it? I hadn't; he
had, and he had never professed to my beliefs. I realized that much of
the hurt came from the fact that it seemed...that he understood *me*
so little, if he could do this, do this even to be with me. Which was
entirely selfish, my making the whole thing revolve around me.

But then, in a sense, it did. If he was telling the truth--and at this
point he certainly had no reasons left to lie--he'd obtained the data
in the first place so that he could stay with me. Did I feel that that
made me partially responsible? Even more responsible than my trust of
him already made me?

'I am responsible,' I thought. 'I'm responsible for bringing him here,
and giving him some degree of healing--so that he had no choice but to
love me; for getting in it so deep with him when I knew there would be
problems with it; for refusing to see the obvious in half a dozen
areas; for leading him to a place where he'd be confronted with this
irresistible temptation. Which he's just turned down, for me.'

I got up and went to him, wrapping him close, stroking him, shushing
him. "It's all right, sweetheart...it's going to be fine...I was
only--only shocked for a few moments. You know how unacceptable a
thing--to us, the Federation--what you were planning is, and I
was...sometimes I forget that we don't see eye-to-eye in some very
important areas."

He squeezed me close, letting his feet slide to the floor so I could
pull him up and we could move to sit on the bed.

"Forgive me," he whispered.

"There's nothing to forgive. I was the one who was wrong here, and I
haven't been hurt."

"I mean--forgive me for what I've just done to my people for my own
bloody selfish--" his voice broke and he quieted, holding his breath.

I thought of Elim, after he'd come back to himself, when I deactivated
that brain implant; I pulled Julie to me and caressed him. "I forgive
you."

We sat quietly for a while; I couldn't even imagine what he was
feeling. If I'd done what he'd just done, it might be considered
treason; the Federation had never been above espionage such as this,
even in peacetime. And I knew how loyal he was to his cause.
"Sweetheart...Garak got you the rod, didn't he?"

His head came up; he blinked at me.

"It's the only logical answer," I said. "You were willing to ask his
advice about it, so he must have known. And you as much as told
me--now that I know--when you said you'd ordered something from him
for Tess and Smiley."

He looked away. "What will you do? I told him I wasn't going to tell
you."

"I will tell him that I know; but I won't tell anyone else about his
involvement. What he did was illegal, but it wasn't a crime against
the Federation or any such thing. I don't think there *is* precedent
for passing secret information to a different universe, where it will
have no impact on ours--the most they could get him for would be
accessing the data illegally. In any event, I'm not going to rat on
him. But I need to know this; how is he involved? Is he planning to
return to the Mirror universe with you or something?"

He half-smiled. "No, though when I first came to him, that's the
incentive he thought I was offering."

"What, then? He doesn't undertake such ventures for latinum, I know
that."

He rolled his eyes. "What *could* I have that he might want?"

I stared at him in frustration...then felt my eyes growing huge.

"That's right," he whispered. "Me."

"Julie--" I was horrified all over again. "How could you DO that to
yourself?"

"It wasn't like you're thinking, it wasn't a straight barter. It was
more than that. And I keep trying to tell you it isn't any--"

"When you've been doing so well--"

"And I'm *still* doing well, aren't I?"

"--and this has all been so hard for you--"

"Julian. Calm down."

"I'm going to *kill* him! How many times do Ezri and I have to tell
you that you need to be careful? Doing what you used to do just
because you can--it could hurt you more than we seem to be able to get
you to realize!"

"JULIAN!"

I calmed down.

He said "I thought it would mean nothing to me, whereas you, on the
other hand, mean everything. As far as I could see, it wasn't much of
a choice. That said...I did not, precisely, 'do what I used to do',
any more than it's 'what I used to do' with you. It isn't the same
with him as it is with you, no. But I don't detach from myself, I'm
not simply standing outside my own body, running my hands, and the
rest of me, by remote. And he did not leap at the opportunity, as you
seem to be thinking. I had to work a bit to get him to agree."

I tried to clear my mind and listen to what he was saying.
"Then...what *was* it, exactly?"

He thought. "Elim is in love with you, and...I can feel his affection,
and the sensations, but I'm not really caught up. I'm aware, though.
It's pleasant, like...lying with Kay, letting her stroke my hair. Like
Ezri's voice when she takes me through a relaxation exercise, or rubs
my neck. Or dancing with Leeta the other night. The pleasure just
isn't very sexual, though I can feel. The kissing is nice, like
kissing Jadzia was."

"You do enjoy being with Garak, then."

He nodded. "About as much as the other things I mentioned."

"He wasn't rough with you, was he? Sex between humans and Cardassians
can be difficult--not like with Klingons, it's only that Cardassians
are so much less fragile than we are, and they need a much higher
degree of--" I noticed the droll half-smile with which he was favoring
me, abruptly remembered who I was talking to, and broke off, feeling
my face heat. "I'm sorry, Julie. I'm just worried."

"He's a Cardassian in love with a human, and you know how superior
they feel themselves to be to other races. That he could feel what he
does for you...don't you think he might be a slightly different sort
of Cardassian? And he was obviously grateful I knew *how* to make love
to him. He can't have had that for Gods know how many years...all in
all, he was very careful of me."

I felt I was riding that reverse-peristalsis-inducing
twentieth-century contraption Kashi had dragged me onto in the
holosuite, what was it...a 'tiltawhirl'. Not the least reason for that
was the gentle way he was explaining this to me, calming *me* down.
"Do you...very often?"

"It's only been twice. And I initiated it both times."

I swallowed. "I'm not sure now that I'm going to be able to speak to
Garak without stammering."

"Julian...he doesn't know that you know--that he loves you, or that he
and I have been to bed. Don't tell him."

"Why?"

"Your friendship is the most precious thing he has. Even if you never
saw him again, it would sully the memory of it, for him to have to
think that you knew how much he desired you. He's very proud...and I
can understand that."

I smiled. "I never thought I'd hear you worrying so for someone,
thinking about what would be the kind thing to do. But then, you and
he have a great deal in common, don't you?"

"Yes. I told you, I know why I like him. I just don't know why you
do."

"Oh...he's intriguing, mostly. He's fascinating to talk with. I like
his voice, I like listening to him. And some more personal reasons--he
treated me with attention and respect and interest for the first
couple of years of my assignment here, when the entire senior staff,
except Jadzia, was still almost entirely ignoring me unless they
required my services. Even Miles hated me at first."

He smiled a little. "I hated you, when we first met."

"And now...?"

He smiled more. "Now I don't."

"Thank you, sweetheart," I grinned, pulling him close again. "That
means a lot to me, it really does."

We were still a moment, and then he said "I won't be here tonight."

"Oh. I see. Were you...going to be with..."

"No, not Elim. It's...what I've done, nothing makes sense--like in the
painting, and I..."

"The waterfall?"

"No. I need Kay to sing to me."

I squeezed him tight. "I understand. Listen...there's someone I want
you to meet." I patted him to indicate that he should stay where he
was, then got up and went to the front room, opened a cabinet door,
and pulled out the resentful Kukalaka. "Sorry, old chum, but I didn't
want you to be the target of derision," I murmured.

I went back in the bedroom and held him out to Julie. Julie stared,
and I smiled abashedly, looking away. "His name is Kukalaka. I've had
him since I was a baby--he was my first patient. I...put him away, I
didn't want you to...um..."

Julie broke into peals of laughter that could probably have given away
our location to the Jem'Hadar if we'd been out on the Defiant.

"...yes, do that," I sighed.

Still in hysterics, Julie reached for Kukalaka and sat him on his
knees, holding him carefully with both hands. "Oooo, he's pwecious,"
Julie giggled. "Can I take him with me to Kay's?"

"That's why I introduced you," I said, smiling finally as I sat down
with him. "He's a very good listener. Perhaps he can help you to sort
things out."

"Perhaps he can, at that. Thank you, Julian. If you've kept him all
this time...and through, good lord, how many layers of stitches..." he
ran his forefinger down one of the many surgical scars Kukalaka
sports, "...he must mean a lot to you."

"But are you sure you want to be seen walking to Kashi's quarters
carrying a teddy bear?"

"Anyone who laughs will only bloody do it once."

"True enough."

---

I couldn't sleep that night; my mind was still trapped on the
tiltawhirl.

Finally I sighed, sat up, and tapped my badge where it rested on the
table. "Julian to Dax."

"Mhm...Dax here."

"Sorry to wake you."

"Then I guess this isn't an emergency."

"No. I was wondering if I might come by and bother you for a few
minutes."

"Sure, come on over. Bring Kukalaka and we'll have a pajama party."

"I can't, Julie has him."

"I didn't think you'd ever loan anyone Kukalaka again after Nog stole
him back from Leeta."

"This *was* an emergency. I'll explain when I get there."

---

She answered the door in a sleeveless nightgown. "Aren't you chilly?"
I asked. Myself, I'd only pulled on some loose pants and a uniform
tank.

"No worse than you. Come on in, I just hope Worf doesn't find out we
were dressed like this in my quarters in the middle of the night."

"What are *you* worried about? He didn't slam *you* into a wall by
your neck."

"I thought he apologized for that."

"Not exactly. I was lucky to get as much of an acknowledgement as I
did, and that was only because I sort of apologized to *him*, through
Miles."

"And a bottle of bloodwine; Miles told me." We were sitting on the
couch by this time; she'd procured a couple of steaming mugs of
something which turned out to be a sort of milk toddy. I sipped.
"Nutmeg."

"I remembered you telling Jadzia you like it. So, what's the topic for
today?"

"Something has...has happened. I can't tell you some of the details,
because it would put you in a compromising position...unless you think
that professional confidentiality would allow you to keep it under
your hat without, as Worf would say, dishonor."

"That depends. Have you killed somebody?"

I rolled my eyes. "There is a crime in question, but it isn't in the
same category with murder, and any effects that might result from it
have been nullified completely."

"How about this. If you were counseling me, and I told you the same
thing you're about to tell me, would professional confidentiality be
enough for you to feel comfortable keeping it quiet?"

I thought. "If the circumstances were identical..." if she came to me
to discuss her feelings, perhaps, that Kashi had done exactly as Julie
had, then confessed to her and given up the stolen data...? "...yes, I
think I could do that without serious qualms of conscience."

"All right, then."

I proceeded to unload what had happened that evening, including the
revelations about Garak--that, Ezri could keep to herself without any
worry, and she had already known that Garak was attracted to me, in
any case. I did not, however, tell her the reason Julie had come up
with his interphasic technology idea in the first place; that was
asking too much of her, to conceal a "crime" that was still in the
works.

"Am I wrong to be angry at him, or wrong to forgive him? How much of
this *was* my fault, Ezri?"

"Julian, this whole thing was your idea, but Julie is still
responsible for his own actions. I think it's like you said--you're
trying to assign blame because you don't want to admit that you and
Julie operate by different mores. By both your own lights, neither of
you did anything wrong, initially. By Julie's, though, he's now done
something unforgivably selfish."

"But I...if I'm the one..."

"Julie's in an *entirely* different situation from yours; he can't
afford the long view. If you were in his place, the Prime Directive
would go right out the window, trust me. You'd scramble any way you
could...all right, maybe that's not totally accurate. If *you*, as you
are now, were suddenly in his situation, your actions would be
tempered by Federation noninterference and nonaggression values. You
wouldn't be able to hold slavishly to them, but they'd be there. But
if you grew up like Julie did..." she shook her head. "Your beliefs
would be different."

"If I grew up like Julie did..." I sighed.

"It's the same reason you call him sweetheart."

"What?"

"If he'd grown up like *you* did--well. When I heard you call him that
in the infirmary, I nearly blew up trying not to laugh. The man
is--what did Worf say--a heq'toth razorcat."

"He said that about Leeta."

"It still applies. Julie's a walking bad attitude. He spits hello to
people. He has eyes that could set fire to frozen methane. Watching
you look full into that sardonic snarl and call it, with obvious
sincerity and a perfectly straight face, 'sweetheart'..." she began to
giggle.

"I thought you were his friend..."

"I am, I love him, Julian. But that doesn't mean I can't see the way
he acts."

"All right, all right, how's this relevant, anyway?"

"You see what he is, not what came of what was done to him."

I froze. Were all counselors innately telepathic to some degree?

She continued "You of all people can *know* what he is, what he would
have been if he'd had a decent upbringing. It wouldn't even have to
have been idyllic. Stars know yours wasn't. You lived at subsistence
most of the time and there was no love lost between you and your
parents, no more than the bare necessity, at least; yet you're one of
the most loving, wonderful people I know."

My expression melted. "Thank you. You're not so bad yourself."

"Then you can understand why he did what he did. Accept that you have
a few very serious differences in your ideas of right and wrong, and
that you won't bring him around to your way of thinking. You'll have
to take him beliefs and all. And he'll have to accept yours, which may
be a little harder."

"*That's* an understatement...Ezri, I'm also worried about Garak."

"Julie and Garak, or you and Garak?"

"Um...both. I can only hope Julie knows what he's doing...and I find
myself, to my surprise, also rather worried about Garak. How much have
I hurt him? It's been so long. How many times have I...been
insensitive? Gods, I've spent our whole relationship insensitive.
Ezri, tell me the truth--I can think of a million times that he and I
bantered, and laughed, and...just sort of *stared* at each other, with
an intensity I can't put a name to. Was *I* flirting with *him*?"

"You know you were. You knew it then, too, but you didn't know how he
felt, so you didn't give it a thought. Yes, if you'd known, you'd have
been being insensitive. You didn't, so you were just being obtuse."

"Thanks, I feel better."

"You should. You spend so much time with your head in the ionosphere
it's a wonder you don't have to pick hopper shuttles out of your
teeth, and *everybody* *knows* that about you. Including Garak. So
don't take more responsibility for this than you deserve."

"All right, but at least tell me how not to hurt him any more, if I
ever really have."

"Easy. Behave like you always have; that's all he expects. Though if
you ever talked about your romantic interests with him--"

"I didn't, much--"

"--you could drop that. Regale Miles and me with those stories
instead."

"I will, if I ever have any to tell again that don't involve Julie."

"You probably will," she cautioned me softly. "You know the
situation."

"Yes, but...hope springs eternal," I hedged.

---

"Julian!" I felt a large hand grab my arm as I hurried down the
Promenade towards the infirmary.

"Miles, my God, I'm sorry--" I paused just long enough to cover his
hand with mine and say quickly "--I know how unforgivably I've been
neglecting you, especially with Keiko all wrapped up in Kashi, and
believe me we'll--"

"Stop blathering and come here a moment." Miles took my hand and
dragged me into a spoke corridor.

"Miles, I'm in a--"

"I take it you haven't heard, then."

I stopped and began actually listening to him. "Heard what?" I glanced
down to where he was still holding my hand, tightly. Miles usually
doesn't touch me more than a pat on the shoulder unless he's
administering Heimlich. "Does this mean I'm not going to like it?"

"It's only a rumour so far...but word has it the Defiant might be
getting assigned to patrol duty."

"Well that beats convoy esc..." my eyes got huge.

He put his free hand on my shoulder. "Don't panic. It's only a rumour
so far."

"And do these rumours say when the assignment would commence?"

"They're saying a week."

"A *week*..."

"I just wanted to be sure you knew about the possibility. I know
you've got someone you may never see again if we leave soon on an
extended mission."

"Has anyone spoken with the Captain?"

"He denies knowing anything, according to Nerys."

"Then where did this rumour come from?"

"The mention of it is supposed to have come in a regular update
communiqu? from Embri at Fleet."

"Embri again...it's just a coincidence, Julian...right, Miles, thanks.
I have to speak to Julie."

"Right." Miles squeezed my shoulder and hand, then let them go and
started back down the Promenade the way we'd been coming up. He must
have come specifically to find me and tell me in person, rather than
over the comm. He hadn't demonstrated the slightest jealousy toward
Julie's monopolizing my time since this started.

"He's probably just glad it isn't Garak," I muttered with a slightly
forced smile as I started for the habitat ring, hoping Julie was in
our quarters.

---

He looked up at me, his hands frozen on the large jademorph sculpture
he was involved with--it was a seated humanoid figure; that was all I
could tell as yet. "And...that means...?"

"It means we'd better start laying plans."

"It's happening?"

"I think so. I don't have time to get through any of the avenues I'm
working with right now. I thought we'd have two more weeks."

"We might still."

"I'm the optimist here, Julie. We can't assume that."

Almost without thinking, his hands began to work the stuff they rested
on again, while he spoke. "We do have most of what we need to prepare
finished."

"I haven't asked Miles to modify the transporter adapter..."

"I already spoke to him." He indicated my desk with a nod of his head.
"It's over there."

"*You* asked him?"

"I told him I wanted it as an emergency backup, to ensure I could get
home if disaster struck around here, which in the middle of a war is
not an unreasonable concern. I knew you wouldn't want to tell him the
truth if you could avoid it, and you're an even worse liar than I am."

"No...he'd still help us, after a forty-minute explosion of Irish
bombast, but if he doesn't know the truth he isn't implicated in
our...unauthorized departure. Good thinking, Julie." I began pacing
slowly. "There's one other option for our getting to your
universe...the way Kira and I did it."

"Do you have any idea how that happened?"

"I think we can use the adapter itself to recreate the conditions
within the environment of the runabout, its immediate environs...it's
true I'm no engineer..."

"You know I can call myself an engineer with a straight face, but what
would be the point of this idea?"

"It wouldn't be so difficult to get all the supplies and equipment we
were planning to bring across to your side that way, and we'd have the
runabout, too."

"Bloody. Desertion, theft of Starfleet medical supplies, and now he
wants to steal a runabout. I've completely corrupted you, love."

"Not completely. Yet..." I kept pondering. Julie's hands stilled, and
he gazed at them a moment, then stood. He made an automatic gesture,
as if to run his fingers through his hair, but jademorph doesn't make
a mess of the hands, and other assorted parts, the way clay does. He
came to me and halted my slow peregrinations, wrapping long golden
arms around me and pulling me to him. He let his head fall to my
shoulder. I stroked him.

"Tell me we're going to be able to live with ourselves," he whispered.

"We'll be able to live with ourselves," I stated, as firmly as I
could, though I was feeling a slight chill despite his closeness.
"More importantly, we'll be able to live with each other. You sound
hesitant, love. Are you sure you don't regret it already?"

He raised shining eyes to me. "What do you want me to say? I'm
abandoning my people without even the resource of the interphasic
technology to give them."

"Sweetheart--"

"I don't blame you for that, it was my choice. I knew you'd have no
option but to stop me. And I can't help but regret what I have to do
to be with you, but I can't imagine being without you. Are you going
to tell me you *don't* regret leaving your people without your own
specialized contributions, deserting in wartime, breaking your oath?"

"I've broken my oaths before. Both ways. I'm a doctor who's killed,
and I'm a Starfleet officer who's lent aid and comfort to the enemy.
If I can live with that, I can live with this."

"You...sound very certain."

I felt my eyes closing in what I told myself was impatience as I tried
not to think about what he was saying. 'It's dealt with,' I thought,
'there's nothing to think about any more.' "Julie, we've already
decided. Now is no time to be second-guessing ourselves." I opened my
eyes and kissed him. "All right?"

"All right. Whatever you want, Julian."

"I don't like it when you talk that way, it makes you sound beholden
to me."

"That's not what I mean--" he broke off and shook his head. "Have I
made you angry?"

"No, sweetheart," I reassured him, folding him close. He was silky and
warm under my hands as his heady scent wrapped around us. I sighed
shudderingly. "Julie...I have to be back in the infirmary..."

"Not yet," he whispered.

"Oh...right, then, not yet," I said, and we made our slightly halting
way to the couch.

---

"A *week*?!" Kashi squeaked, sitting down hard on the bed in Ezri's
quarters.

"It wouldn't affect you and me," Ezri said. "I'm station counselor for
the Fleet personnel, and anybody else who requests my services, but I
don't have a defined position on the Defiant. Benjamin would be glad
to have me along, but I wouldn't necessarily be required to go."

Kashi pondered. "What about my treatments? Julian would certainly have
to go."

"Dr. Guirani could certainly handle what remains of that; she'd only
need a little extra information on how to handle contingencies. Your
treatment plan is already on record."

"Julie's going to have a fit."

"Um," Ezri sighed. "Yes, I'm afraid that's fairly likely."

"Ezri, it's going to be hell for us to be separated, at least for a
while...I can't imagine what it's going to be like for Julie and
Julian."

"Hell, as you say, but they're adults. Julian at least will adjust.
Julie is going to need you, though."

"Yeah, I have no plans to go far from him, that's for sure. When did
you find this out?"

"At lunch, from Julian. He wanted to know if he could come by and talk
this evening."

"I can just imagine. When's he--ah." The door signal had sounded.
Kashi got up and started for the front room.

"You're naked, Kashi, and it might not be Julian."

"Oh, yeah," Kashi said, turning and heading back into the bedroom.
"Should I get dressed and give you two some space or just hide in
here?"

"Hiding in here will do, if you don't mind." Ezri, also naked, was
pulling on the perilously popular frilly white robe. "Someday we need
to give this thing back to Keiko."

"She'll probably let me have it as a memento of our time together, but
I'll offer it to her anyway." Kashi got comfortable in bed and picked
up a padd she'd been reading, calling some music on, showing restraint
on the volume for once. She sang along softly "Just got back from the
downtown Pally where the music was so sweet knocked me right back in
the alley, I'm ready, hey hey hey I'm ready..." Ezri smiled
affectionately at her as the door slid closed behind her on her way
into the front room.

"Julian," she said gently by way of greeting. He came in, looking dark
and quiet. "I know that face," Ezri said. "What's going on behind it?
Did you just want to talk about Julie?"

He started to reply, then glanced toward the bedroom, half-smiling.
"Kashi's here."

"Yes. That particular musical group was called Electric Light
Orchestra."

Julian smiled for real. "I've got to get her to make me some files of
my own before she...before I...before one of us leaves." His
expression darkened again as they sat down.

"Get you anything?" Ezri asked.

"No thank you, I'm fine. Listen...shortly after we got back from the
Mirrorverse, I'm not sure exactly when...you made me promise to tell
you if I was planning any...grand gestures."

Ezri focused abruptly. "Yes, I did, though I wasn't sure if I should
expect it."

"There isn't going to be an easy way to do this, so I might as well
get to it, but you should know that if I do tell you, you're going to
have to make a choice. Once you know, there won't be any way around
it. And I'm not sure professional confidentiality would cover this
one. You're a Starfleet officer as well as a psychologist; you have a
duty both ways."

"You and I both know what that's like. Spill it, Julian. I think we're
both committed."

"I suppose; right, then...Julie and I...want to stay together, and
we're willing to do whatever it takes."

"Go on."

"We've decided that we're going to desert. Both of us."

Ezri's voice was level, almost monotonous as she controlled it. "When
did you decide this?"

"We've been talking about it since before Julie and Garak destroyed
two runabouts saving the Defiant. The longer time went on, the more
certain we became..." he trailed off.

"Julian, you don't sound certain."

"Well, I am. We've been through every aspect of it we can think of and
out the other side. I love him. I know you've heard me say those words
before...but it's never been like this. It would kill me to lose him."

"It would not kill you to lose him. You would be extremely sad, you
would miss him, it would be a long time before you stopped wanting him
back. It would be hard, but it would *not* kill you."

"What about him, then? He's so fragile, still. He needs me."

"He's stronger than you give him credit for."

"You would say anything to prevent me from doing this."

"No I wouldn't, or right now I would be saying 'Dax to Sisko, you need
to put a guard on Julian.'"

"Does that mean you aren't going to turn us in?"

"That wouldn't do any good. Incarcerated, you still wouldn't be any
help to the Federation, and it'd reinforce this crazy idea, make you
even more sure it's what you should do. Do you two have exact plans,
or were you just planning to steal a runabout and take off?"

"It would be get on a transporter, board Julie's raider and take off,
but believe me, we have almost everything worked out to the angstrom.
Down to my coordinating and fleshing out all my findings and lab data
on Dominion race biology; the medical database now knows everything
about it that I do."

"The Mirror universe. You're going there."

"Can you think of a better way to hide from Starfleet until the search
dies down?"

"Julian." Ezri got up and wandered around the room aimlessly as she
talked, the fluttery white robe stirring in minute air currents.
"Listen to me for a moment. I know how you and Julie feel, but you are
making a mistake. I can guarantee you that." He started to speak, and
she cut in with "Just listen for a minute."

He subsided.

"All right," Ezri muttered, thinking, then continued. "You're talking
about spending the rest of your life avoiding the law. You'd never be
able to practice regularly again, and you'd have deprived the
Federation of one of its most crucial medical specialists in this
war--you. And Julie would have abandoned his people, when their cause
is already holding together precariously even *with* him. I know how
much you love each other, that isn't in question. I know you've been
prepared, for a while now, for one of you to lose everything--but are
you *really* ready for *both* of you to lose everything?"

"Everything but each other..."

"That's right, that's my point exactly. You don't want to do *that* to
each other, become the only thing the other one has. For Julie's sake,
I want you to think about the position that puts him in. He'd lose
everything, too. He'd have nothing left but you, your love. And he'd
be reminded every day of what you'd've done for his sake, the level of
betrayal you'd see yourself having committed, and that you'd have lost
the primary things that defined you as a person--your commission and
your medical practice.

"Are you absolutely sure you'll never find yourself resenting him?
Especially when he's having a bad day and you have to duck punches and
personal slurs? After the sacrifice he's making for *you*--everything
good that defined *him*--you'd better be absolutely sure you're never
going to make him regret it, by regretting it first yourself. And
remember this, too--maybe for Julie, and DEFINITELY for you--once it's
done, it's done. You'd be tried for desertion in time of war if you
ever came back, or at least be cashiered, and you'd have hell trying
to practice in the Federation or allied territories again. And Julie's
people likely would never trust him again--if they even bothered to
ask questions before shooting--if he went back to them after you
two've decided you made a mistake."

"We aren't children, we've been *over* all that--"

"And you've obviously egged each other into throwing caution to the
wind. You're not thinking ahead. *You*, Julian, you're not thinking at
all. If you think too much about it, you'll see what you're doing,
and--"

"Ezri, I only told you this because I promised you I would come to you
before I took any extreme action. You aren't going to talk me out of
it." His voice was oddly faint.

"You know that if you let it happen, you'd talk *yourself* out of it.
Jadzia has seen you dive headfirst into almost every sort of crazy
endeavor there is without stopping to think--because when you think,
you're extremely bright. When you don't, you're brave and stupid. And
that's what you're being right now. Does Julie really need to be
trapped for the rest of his life in a situation that started off with
you closing your eyes and jumping before you could think?"

He was quiet.

"Julie *is* thinking now. I'll bet anything you like that he knows
what's happening, but he won't fight you on it. He's helpless. He
can't go against what you want, any more than Sar--"

"He *isn't* Sarina! This isn't the same. He's said so himself."

"Julian..." she sat down on the coffee table in front of him and
leaned forward, elbows on knees. "Has he said anything to the effect
of 'Whatever you think is best, Julian'? Anything along those lines?"

"Of course he has. He's been saying that ever since I started his..."
Julian flushed dark enough to see, even on his deep golden complexion.
"That isn't what he means. He only means that I'm the doctor and I'm
in charge."

"I'm willing to bet he's said it since the last of your part of his
therapy was over. In fact I'll bet he's said it specifically *about*
what the two of you intend to do."

"He wants this as much as I do, Ezri!"

"Right." She nodded in agreement. "Now, Julian...think. How much *do*
you want this? Not 'How much do you want Julie'. How much do
you...want...*this*?"

"I think you know that I don't *want* it at all. What I want--"

"And neither does he, I promise you. The two of you are in love, and
it's making you act stupidly, but it can't make you stupid. It can't
keep you from seeing, at some level, just what you're doing to
yourselves, and what you'll wind up doing to each other, if you go
through with this. Eventually you'll lose each other, too. Love just
isn't always enough, Julian. You're an adult, you can see th--"

Julian stood slowly; she leaned back to let him. "I only came to tell
you this," he repeated softly, "because I promised you I would. Now I
have, and I'm going to go. I'll see you tomorrow, Ezri." He turned for
the door.

"Julian."

He stopped, but didn't turn.

"Do you want to know what Jadzia would be doing right now if you'd
told her this?"

"Not especially."

"She would have told Benjamin, knowing you wouldn't have forgiven her
for it, and that you'd have been self-righteous about this absurd idea
forever, rather than seeing what a mistake it would have been. I'm not
as kindhearted as Jadzia; I'm not going to save you from yourself. If
you do this, I'll miss you, and hope for everything good that's
reasonable to expect for you...but I won't save you."

"I don't need to be saved from the man I love," Julian said quietly,
and went out. Ezri sighed. "Just terrific. Stars, Julian, you can be
such a...a BONERHEAD sometimes..."

"What about bonerheads? You've been hanging out with me too long,"
Kashi said, coming into the room. "I heard him leave. I take it all
isn't well." She applied herself to Ezri, who got an arm around her
and shifted them both to the couch.

Ezri said "No, it isn't. I can't talk about it, it's personal to
him...let's just say I hope he comes to his senses soon. He's in full
righteous-outrage mode. I don't know if I helped or made things
worse." Ezri sighed.

"Got something lodged in his skull? Julie turns into a mule when that
happens."

"So does Julian," Ezri muttered.

Kashi began untying the robe's belt. "Help you take your mind off your
troubles, soldier?" she murmured in Ezri's ear.

Ezri looked at her, letting her pull the robe off. "Where'd *that* one
come from?"

"It was sort of ubiquitous through the era." She straddled Ezri and
turned her head up for a kiss.

---

"Come," Garak called, pulling his eyes from the terminal screen and
looking up, not that he didn't know who it would be.

Julie slouched in. "Hello."

"Hello, my sweet."

"I got your message, obviously. You've spoken to Julian, haven't you,"
he smiled slightly, looking away, as he came to prop against the desk.
He noticed the terminal and said "How can you read that? I can barely
see it."

"Cardassian eyes are more light-sensitive than human's are."

"I know, but still..."

"If I had the screen set at a Fleet-standard level, I'd be blind by
now." He squinched his eyes and rubbed them with one hand. "Not that I
don't seem to be on my way there, in any case. No, I didn't speak with
Julian, though I might as well have."

Julie smirked. "Let me guess..."

"Yes, I saw the Doctor emerge from the infirmary on my way past; he
saw me, turned the most alarming shade of saffron, and all but ran
back inside."

"Yes, well...I asked him to leave you in the dark about it, because I
thought that would be easier for both of you, but I should have known
better. I might as well have painted him a sign to carry as tell
something like that to the human news bulletin. He probably just
doubts his ability to keep the fact that he knows from you."

"He also knows about the rest of our transaction, doesn't he?"

Julie slumped. "I appreciate the sound and logical advice, Garak, but
I couldn't take it. I couldn't bear what would happen to us...I
couldn't deceive him over something that mattered so much to *him*,
whether I think it should have mattered or not."

"So you told him."

"I told him. And as I said then, I may never forgive myself."

Garak pondered. "And your course now with the Doctor?"

"We're going anyway. We're deserting."

"I see...I do hope you've thought this through."

"Oh, God, have we," Julie muttered.

Garak got up and stretched, then came around the desk, laying a hand
on Julie's shoulder. "Still, you seem reserved about the idea."

"Of course I'm reserved. I can't believe it's happening, but I can't
believe anything over the last few months has happened. Nothing, and I
do mean nothing, about my life is ever going to be the same. *I'm*
never going to be the same. This has all been so...impossible, and now
this, I'm actually..."

"You don't recognize yourself," Garak said quietly.

Julie shook his head. "Not in the slightest. I wish there was time for
me to get used to all this before I'm suddenly required to make this
kind of..."

"Sacrifice?"

"Decision. I need to know my*self*, now that I can finally...feel,
see, know who it is. I hardly know my own mind, especially after what
I just did, telling Julian about the data rod. Never in aeons would I
have even *thought* of doing such a thing before...all this."

"If it could be...rescinded, if you could have the choice to make over
again, would you do the same?"

Julie thought, eyes shifting beneath closed lids. "Elim, I don't know.
For having more control over myself--mind and body--and my
surroundings, than I've ever had, I feel less powerful than I should."

"Perhaps you two could arrange a compromise of some sort. You return
home, and he joins you there after a specified time. That would allow
you a period to observe your own reactions and thoughts--get to know
yourself, as it were. Then when he joined you, you could tell him
whether you still believed what you two have planned is the most
beneficial course for you both. If you decide against it, he would be
able to return home, most likely, before he was missed."

"Do you think he would agree to letting me go back without him?"

"He's the only one who can answer that."

"Elim...no. The moment I laid eyes on him again I'd be so desperate
for him there wouldn't be any choice. If he wanted me, that would be
it. I couldn't say no."

"Because of your debt to him?"

Julie shook his head in exasperation. "No, no, no--because I *love*
him." Julie paused, then took the hand Garak had laid on his shoulder
and held it. "I'm sorry. I know you would rather he hadn't known about
you and me. Of course, he couldn't help but find out, once I told him
about the rod. He guessed your involvement right off, and he wanted to
know why..."

"And naturally he would wonder why I would consider *you* to be such a
valuable trade. A risk I was prepared to take when I went into this
agreement. Only a fool--or an amateur--would not have realized the
possibility. So...when do you two plan to make your escape?"

"We haven't decided exactly. There are things Julian wants to do
before we go. So many people here...seem to care so much for him, I
can't imagine what it must be like for him to leave them--they won't
only miss him, they'll be...disappointed in him. That wouldn't matter
a damn to me, of course, but to him it's torture." Julie slid off the
desk and went to the couch, still holding Elim by the hand, bringing
him along. He continued "And he wants to get his infirmary in as much
order as possible, and make sure the equipment and supplies we've
filched won't be sorely missed--be certain everything's prepared for
his people to run things without him, until a new CMO can be chosen or
dispatched."

"How very like the Doctor."

"Yes. But as much as he'll miss Miles, and you and everyone...I think
the worst is how he'll feel about Sisko."

"Ah. Of course."

"He already feels badly enough--he didn't tell Sisko about the data
rod; and he said to me that Sisko was hurt that Julian didn't trust
him with the news of our relationship. But Sisko still agreed to back
him against Fleet about it. I must admit that if I were Sisko, I
wouldn't have been nearly so indulgent."

"For Captain Sisko or anyone else, it is very difficult to get
seriously angry at Julian. Except for you; you excel at it."

"I did, but I haven't screamed at him since we decided we were going
to run for it. Elim, do you feel like taking a break from
that...whatever it is you're doing?"

"Decryptions, at the moment. And yes, I would, before I wind up with
another headache."

"Turn around." Julie started on Garak's back.

"Ohhhh...Captain Bashir...I *am* going to miss your hands..."

---

I heard the door open and close.

"Where have you been?" I asked tonelessly.

"With Elim," he said mildly.

I looked up in inquiry.

He gave me a semi-lascivious smile. "Not this time," he said. "Just a
neck rub and a bit of cuddling." He came up to the desk and looked
over my shoulder. "What's that?"

"It's a letter to my parents."

"Are you sure you won't speak to them?"

"It'd be difficult to reach my father safely with this sort of news,
for reasons you know; and it wouldn't make things any easier for my
mother to put us both through a scene, not to mention the danger of
doing it over live subspace." I was staring at the words, all of which
seemed to be repeating the same platitudes--Julie's right, I'm
unbearable when I let myself get into those. I shut the screen off,
still without looking at him.

He stroked my hair, with that penetrating gentleness only he can
summon. "How did it go with Ezri, or do I really need to ask?" he said
sympathetically.

"She read me the riot act."

"Meaning, exactly?"

"Meaning that I can consider myself warned. No, she's not going to
turn us in; that's what the warning was for. She's convinced we're
making a mistake..." my voice softened and trailed off.

"You knew from what she's said before that she'd react that way."

"This wasn't only--concern, advice. She accused me of not
thinking...not thinking of *you*."

He stifled a bark of laughter. "I'd like to hear where she came up
with *that*." He perched next to me on the desk's edge. "I understand
you informed Garak of several things at once earlier today, in your
usual succinct manner."

I winced, looking away. "I'm sorry about that..."

"I don't suppose you could help it, being you. But I think you hurt
his feelings."

"Did he say so?"

"He didn't have to. I'm very..."

"...good at reading people," I smiled dryly back at him.

"And besides, suppose...suppose Sarina had blanched and run when you
kissed her the first time?"

"Ugh. That's not quite the same, but I see what you mean. What do you
think I should do?"

"He does know we're leaving. I think it would be kind of you to make a
point of seeing him for a while, at least once. A small explanation of
your behavior wouldn't hurt, either."

I sighed. "I've been thinking about that, and about Miles, Keiko...the
Captain, Luma, all my staff...I started to call Miles, and I couldn't
do it. I know, I need to...say whatever I need to say to them, but you
don't know how well they know me."

"Yes I do. You're a very easy man to know."

"So they'll suspect if I do anything out of the ordinary. And Gods
forbid I see Molly O'Brien. The child is psychic. 'Uncle Juuuulian,
what's wrooooong?' I can hear it now."

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Not really, but thank you. It's just something I have to...work out.
I'm...I'd better go talk to Garak while my nerve's up."

He leaned down and kissed me. "I'll be here."

---

"Um...hello."

He eyed me a moment, then smiled slightly. "Doctor. Do come in."

I did; the door closed behind me. "Garak, I'm sorry about earlier
today. It isn't you, not at all. But Julie asked me not to tell you
that I knew, and when I saw you I knew there was no way I was going to
be able to behave naturally, and I...rather panicked."

"I understand, Doctor. Please sit down...unless you're too nervous."

"No! I--well, yes, a bit, I mean...oh Garak, I'm such a damned idiot."

"I wasn't going to say it."

That made me smile all of a sudden, and I chuckled and managed to come
sit on the sofa near him. We just regarded each other a moment. I said
quietly "*Can* you forgive me? Everything I've...God, I've made
deliberate eyes at you, even, and yet you never said a word, you never
let on."

"On the contrary, Doctor. If you were Cardassian, you'd have known
very quickly."

"But I'm not, and you knew that I wouldn't have any notion what you
were doing, wouldn't know what the signs were. You know how to behave
so that I *would* know it, but you never did...why?"

"Oh, don't pretend you don't know the answer to *that*."

"Honestly, I'm not sure. You know me. When I have...an interest in
someone, it's my usual policy to let them know it."

"A policy which is eminently suitable for you, Doctor, given the
nature of your usual interests. But put yourself in my place. Why
humiliate myself when there was no chance of reciprocation?"

"But how did you *know* there was no chance of--"

"*Is* there, Doctor?" He raised his brow at me, a smile tugging at the
corner of his mouth.

"Um...well, Julie's certainly fond of you, as much as I am, as nearly
as I can tell. He enjoys your...being with you. And that's definitely
saying something, you can take it as a high compliment, because
he...he's--"

"I'm aware of his situation; he's explained it to me. But he's not the
one I asked about. I repeat; *was* there, over this last seven years,
ever any chance of reciprocation?"

"Well..." I looked away. "If you must know...there were times when yes
I think maybe there was but I'm not sure if..." I stopped for a
breath. "...if I was...curious, or if I...Garak, I'm sorry, I don't
mean to make it sound like I never had any of those feelings for you.
But I'm not sure of the reasons behind them. You were exotic and
fascinating, all secrets and surprises. And the...the way you...how
intensely you looked at me sometimes was a little arousing, I admit."

"Why, Doctor. I was under the impression that you didn't consider an
attraction to someone to be anything to be ashamed of; yet you seem
quite flustered."

"I don't! It's just that I feel such a fool at the moment. I never
guessed. I knew we were flirting sometimes, but...we just communicated
that way. It was part of the verbal dance, it never occurred to me to
think that you really might..."

"Might want you as more than a friend?"

"Yes, that," I sighed. "I don't know what to tell you. Ezri said I
shouldn't feel bad, that I was only being obtuse, not insensitive..."

"Ezri...of course."

"You know she knew?"

"I strongly suspected Jadzia of knowing. She tended to make extensive
observations of other people's private interactions, and cast her own
interpretations on them...and her many hosts no doubt gave her a broad
perspective in such efforts. And as I've said to Julie, she was very
protective of you after you became friends. I was certain several
times I read the knowledge in her face, but she never spoke of it."

"Yes...Jadzia had her foibles, but she also had her limits." I smiled,
remembering.

"So," he said easily. "Where does that leave us? Whether you are
forced to bid this universe farewell or not...I would like to know
where we stand."

"Oh, Elim. Where we always have." I took his hand. "You're my friend.
You're the first real friend I made here, even Jadzia was only
humoring me, there for a while. If you aren't angry at me for being
such a prizewinning boob..."

"Of course I'm not angry at you...at fate, on occasion, though I try
to avoid that, it's maudlin and wasteful of energy. If you can forgive
my...having an ulterior motive in our association, I can certainly
forgive you for living up to your usual standard of obliviousness."

"I don't consider..." I swallowed. "I don't consider being in love
with me an ulterior motive for wanting to spend time with me. It's the
loveliest compliment a person can hope for. You weren't recording my
image to use in some holosuite, were you?"

Garak rolled his eyes.

"Well, there you are, then." I smiled. "I haven't a thing to be
resentful of." We were still holding hands. I took a breath, glad we
were sitting down, and brought my other hand up to cover his, moving a
little closer to him. I met his eyes, and I knew what I must look
like--it's a puppyish kind of look I've been desperately hoping to
grow out of ever since I was about twelve. So far, no sign of that.
When I feel shy, I look like Bambi, it's my lot in life.

"Why, Doctor," Garak said softly. "Can it be that you would like to
kiss me?"

"Yes, it can," I managed. "May I?"

"Please."

I leaned close and touched my lips to his. I don't know if Cardassians
normally kiss in any significantly different manner than we do, but if
so, he knew how humans usually do it. Without separating us, I
released his hand and took his shoulders; he quickly slid his arms
around my waist and pulled me close. The soft kiss continued for a
while, then broke naturally, and I heard him sigh; I was feeling a bit
loose and dreamy myself. This was too odd...Garak. Garak, of all
people, wanted to touch me. I realized I was at least as intrigued by
the mystery and possibilities of that idea as I had been by all the
others he'd presented me with over the last seven years. I wanted to
run my hand over his smooth neck ridges, but I couldn't quite bring
myself to it; I wasn't sure what it would mean, to him or to me.

He pulled me against him carefully, holding me close. "I cannot count,
Doctor," he said very quietly, "the number of times I have thought of
doing that."

"Elim...I wish you had, a long time ago."

"So do I, now. Now that you are likely to be..."

"You could stop that, with what you know..."

"Don't be absurd, Doctor. We both know I would never have the pleasure
of your company again in any case if I were to do so."

"I didn't think you would tell, you've no reason to, and you love your
mysteries. But thank you for keeping our secret anyway."

"One more secret is nothing to me..." and he said a short word in
Kardasi that the translator didn't render.

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"You remember the sound of it?"

"Yes."

"Ask Julie. He'll know." He leaned back just a bit and touched my lips
with his fingertips, then kissed me again.

When we separated that time, I lifted a hand to touch the collar of
his tunic. "Is this new?" I asked irrelevantly, breathlessly, and very
obviously out of nerves. As soon as I heard myself beginning to
blather, I winced, expecting a jab of some sort, even if a gentle one.

He only glanced away briefly, then nodded. "Just finished."

"The material of this trim is lovely. I've never seen silk so glossy."

"It is...an extremely rare fiber. Difficult to come by,
considered...almost priceless, to some. I decided to gift myself with
it. Did you want to talk about tailoring for the next while, Julian?"

I shook my head. "I'm only a bit shaky. You know what happens to me
under those circumstances."

"My dear...there is no need for worry. I have no intention of placing
any sort of demand on you."

"That doesn't worry me. I just...hope you don't think this is some
kind of charity. I truly do admire you," I added in a rush, then
stopped, holding my breath.

He blinked, then laughed very softly. "Yes, so you've said."

"Oh...I didn't remember."

"You've said it in many ways, over the years...but it's nice to hear
it from your own lips." He kissed me again, gently.

---
TWENTY-SEVEN:
"I said hey--WHAT'S GOING ON?!"

4 Non-Blondes
---

I managed to somehow convey my affections to almost everyone for whom
I had any; I was only sorry I couldn't tell them that this might be
their only opportunity to convey theirs to me, if *they* had any.

I did something I'd always wanted to do, with Keiko--swept her
delicate little feet out from under her and whirled her around in my
arms. She can't weigh what Molly does. Having had the same treatment
from Kashi recently, more than once, she only hugged my neck and
laughed with me. She didn't hear me whisper, good-bye, Keiko.

The Captain was difficult. I staged an elaborate thanks in his office
for everything he'd done to help me with Julie's situation, and
managed to work in several other times I could think of that he'd done
me, or almost any of us, a favor he hadn't exactly owed us as our
commanding officer, and just what sort of commanding officer I thought
he was. I was afraid it would get all his alert sirens whooping--I'm
every bit as good a liar as Julie says I am, which is why I was
careful not to lie, precisely--thank you for the practice, Garak--and
not to let Sisko get a word in edgewise until I was done. God forbid
he should ask the wrong question.

As I was making good my escape from Ops, I could think of only one
thing: How I desperately hoped he would not first realize where I had
gone after I came up missing, then think anything along the lines of
"Eddington".

Days later, we all still waited anxiously on more news of the
Defiant's next assignment. The Captain spoke with anyone he knew that
had the slightest chance of a lead on the information, but it kept
coming back to the same place--and we kept hearing that we would be
informed of the Defiant's next assignment in time for the ship to be
properly fitted for whatever the mission in question entailed. Since
Fleet knew the chief engineer doing the fitting was Miles O'Brien,
that could mean only a day or so before we were expected to undock.
Sisko had a few choice words for whoever had let this rumour out.
Nerys and Miles shuffled uneasily about, shooting each other sidelong
looks, but said nothing.

---

Miles and I were sitting in a table upstairs at Quark's, still in
wolfskin. It'd been a while since we'd beat the dust off these
particular costumes.

"So, did he compliment your legs?"

"What?" I looked over at Miles. "Who?"

"Who do you think? He'd never seen you in that before today, had he?"

"Julie's not Leeta, Miles. He laughed himself drooling. Didn't stop
'til I threatened to suffocate him with the mantle."

Miles chortled, then sobered a little. "You're worried about what'll
happen, when we're sent out next--whether you'll see him again, aren't
you?"

"Of course I am. Am I especially dour at the moment?"

"I described an entire battle strategy to you a while ago in there,
and you just sat there staring at me like you'd never seen me before.
I nearly checked your pulse. You've been doing that for days."

I blinked, realizing that there was language coming out of his moving
mouth. "What?"

"You're doing it again! And you've got that bleedin' half-weepy smile
this time, too. That just started today. What is *up*? I know ye're
worried, but you usually take it better than this. You've taken
certain *disasters* better than this."

I managed to look away from him, but my hand found its way up on to
the table and over to his. "I am worried, Miles. There's...so much
happening right now."

He was obviously startled, but he didn't take his hand back. "Aye,
there is. Is he all right, then? His treatments went well?"

"Oh, his results were absolutely optimal. But he has a lot of work yet
to do."

"I can just imagine. Well, I can take your word for it, anyway. Look,
you and I'll have more'n we really want of each other soon, and you
and he...don't have much time. Shouldn't you be with him?"

"Miles..." I sighed, at a loss. I had an idea and looked up. "Come on,
let's get going." I pulled him up by the hand I was holding. Once we
were out of the Promenade, heading for the habitat ring, I pulled him
along behind me, heading for my quarters.

"Julian, what the--"

"Believe me. If we don't get ourselves private you're going to wish we
had."

"Well I don't like the sound of *tha--*"

"We're here." I sort of slung him around and through my living room
door. He stumbled once. I was pulling my mantle off as I came in, then
sank my fingers into his wolfskin, twisting the clasp arm with the
other hand. The mantle fell in a heavy pile at our feet.

"Julian, if this is one of your bloody practical--"

"Hush." I took his shoulder with one hand and laid my other across his
mouth. Julie peeked out of the bedroom door in a towel, still wiping
clay off himself; I made a shooing motion and he nodded and retreated.

"Miles, I'm going to do something, and I don't want you to swat me, or
spit. Clear?"

"What's *that* supposed to m--"

I took his face in my hands and kissed him, and to his credit he
didn't move; I didn't push my luck, making it firm but chaste, and
released it in a few seconds, then threw my arms around him and
squeezed. "Miles. You're the best friend anyone could ask for, and I
appreciate everything you've ever done for me; you're a marvelous,
incredible man, I can't begin to tell you how much so, and I love
you."

He was still a moment; then his own arms came hesitantly around me,
and he patted my back. "Julian...hell, you must be *terrified* of what
our next assignment's going to be. Same to you, you know that."

"Yes, I know, but I wanted it said, just..."

"Aye, in case. I understand. Um, are we done?"

I laughed quietly, feeling on the verge of tears as well. "Yes,
Miles." I felt him squeeze me quickly before we let each other go.

Julie was standing behind Miles, still in the towel, hair damp. He
tapped Miles on the shoulder and Miles turned automatically; Julie
planted a quick wet smooch on him. "Same goes for me."

"*Akptth--*" Miles spluttered and wiped automatically, making Julie
grin hugely. Making me grin hugely, for that matter. "Julian, *now*
look, ye've bloody got *him* doing it!" But he was smiling as he bent
to retrieve his mantle.

"It's your fault for being so adorable," Julie called after Miles as
he escaped into the corridor. Julie then looked at me and said
"Another down, I take it?"

I sighed. "As much as can be."

"I'd hug you, but you're going to take that thing off before I touch
you. Water and animal skins don't mix, trust me."

"These aren't real. Well, they're not real enough to smell if they get
wet."

"I'd prefer not to take that chance."

I went into the bedroom; he followed, to help me untie the several
score thongs involved. The costumes were a bit too authentic for my
taste, Miles being a direct descendent of Brian Boru or no. We
discarded bits and pieces as we went.

"So where are we?" he said.

"Heard anything from Ezri?"

"Have *you*?"

"No, but it's different with you...I thought surely she...well. She
must do what she thinks is right, I suppose, but..."

"Aside from her, then."

"It's arranged. Everything but the last-minute stuff and what you and
Kashi will be taking with you from the Ops transporter is hidden in
bay three."

"How did you explain that massive piece of medical equipment, whatever
it was?"

"I'm the CMO. I want it ready to load onto the Defiant once we get
orders that indicate whether or not it's appropriate for the mission,
since we've received the updated version and its been installed."

"And your work?"

"I may go on record for most papers published inside a week.
Everyone's going to think I'm showing off my mental enhancements,
though most of that work was already done, just needed coordinating
and submitting. How are you doing?"

"I've been thinking about Kashi."

"Me too, but I think it'll be all right if you and she should go back
as planned, and I'll follow as immediately as I can. You just head
straight for your bay three transporter. Of course, that's open to
change if this bloody rumour keeps twisting about without actually
telling us anything. We've wound up staggering aboard the Defiant
practically in our pajamas before; you and I can't risk that."

"I know, but I wouldn't want Kay detained for explanations after you
and I vanish, and the alternative is telling her our plans, assuming
Ezri hasn't already."

"Ezri won't tell anyone. Ezri will go to her bloody grave without
telling a living soul, judging by the look on her face when our eyes
met at the staff meeting. I don't know who that was, but I don't think
it was all her. Joran, possibly."

"But you and your Jadzia..."

"Jadzia would have been following me around all this time, putting
snide asides in my ear, jumping on every opportunity to illustrate her
point, occasionally playing on my affection for her...she could
manipulate anyone, and she'd have been trying. Ezri is sweet, young, a
bit pouty and befuddled...and has a spine of polonium-refined
duranium. And she calls *me* stubborn. Since the moment that I showed
her my back and walked out while she was telling me she'd do nothing
to stop us, but let us suffer our own consequences, I don't think I
could look for much attention from her. But her professionalism won't
let *you* return home without at least one more talk with her, so she
can see how you're doing, if you need anything further that she can
provide."

"If she does...shall I plead your cause?"

"Feel free, but don't expect anything to come of it. Oh, by the
way--Garak used a Kardasi word to me that didn't come across the
translator. What does 'mavciet' mean?"

Julie's hand tugged its current thong so hard my leg was yanked off
the bed. I windmilled, regaining my balance. "Something wrong? Is it
an insult?"

"He called you that?" Julie's eyes were the size of grapefruits and
his lips were screwing back in a grimace that I knew prefaced several
long minutes of hilarity.

"Yes, Julie," I sighed in long suffering, "he called me that. What
does it *mean*?"

He fell down screaming. I rested my elbows on my knees and waited a
minute, lips quirked in an expression of patient annoyance, then tried
again. "Julie. Get hold of yourself and tell me, all right?"

"AH HA ha hm (gulp) (snort) oh my God. I think he did this purely as a
favor to me."

"Julie, damn it..."

"All right, it--well, you know it's got no equivalent close enough to
give anything like a real translation, or the comm translator would've
rendered it. It's...oh, my. The closest *polite* way I can think to
phrase it is 'sexual fantasy.'"

*My* eyes got big as grapefruits.

"Now wait," Julie said, breaking into chuckles again. "Please try to
understand that in Kardasi, that's not a cheap thing to say to
someone. It doesn't mean *only* sex fantasy, though that's sort of
literally what it means. Although it's more specific. You don't say it
to someone you don't care about--you say it to someone who...who is
close enough that you can say it to without their taking it in a bad
light. Um...it's similar to the way insults are a part of their
courtship. Not all of it, like some people think, but part of it."

"You said 'sexual fantasy' was a polite way to put it."

"It is. It's an extremely lewd word, Julian. I've heard it more times
than I can count."

"Did Garak call you that? You know, when..."

"No, he doesn't know *me* well enough. He calls me cenatli. It's the
possessive form of a word that refers to a flavoring agent, used in
confections. Made from tree bark, incidentally."

"Oh, that's just lovely. You get 'honey' and I get 'wet dream'."

He snorted with laughter. "A closer equivalent would be 'my
sweetness', though the taste isn't sweet, at least not to us. And
'mavciet' means *far* worse than 'wet dream'."

"Don't tell me, all right?"

"Oh, never. It would shock you to your delicate mavciet core."

---

I was taking a break the next day--actually, I was considering calling
it a day entirely, it had been another run of keeping up with the
usual routine, war and all, and putting in a reasonable-looking amount
of work on my own projects while completing the preparations I
couldn't discuss with anyone and had to make look as routine as I
could. I'd only been in the infirmary nine hours, with one break, but
I thought I'd pretty much had it.

I was on the upper level of the Promenade, leaning against a port
Miles and I liked, one that afforded a good people-watching view; but
I was facing the stars, my forehead resting on the port.

"Don't fall asleep, you might crack your skull on the sill."

I jumped. "Luma. Don't do that," I smiled slightly. "I've got too much
on my mind to pay attention to my surroundings."

"Call me Saire, I've seen you naked."

"I've seen you naked too, but you won't call me Julian."

"I will while we're out here."

I smirked over my shoulder at her, then turned a little to hold out my
hand. She shook it and came up to lean next to me.

She said "Nice gesture, throwing that party for us all. 'Eat drink and
be merry for things are generally rather depressing right now', or
however that Earth saying goes?'"

"More like 'for tomorrow we may be stuck drinking liquid polymer out
of our coffee mugs on the Defiant, sleeping in sepulchre niches and
banging our heads purple on low overhangs in the med bay ceiling.'"

"It was a nice spread. Must've set you back."

"Not to speak of. There isn't much to spend latinum on around here if
one doesn't gamble. Except the holosuites."

"Ah, yes..."

"Please, no more 'Vulcan Love Slave pt. III; Alien Lust at the Alamo'
jokes, all right? I thought Miles was going to have a stroke."

"It's that hat, it brings out the derisive snickerer in me. I can
finish up in the infirmary for you if you like, Julian. You've been
busy as hell and your, uh, friend--"

"Julie's been occupied as well. He has a lot of work of his own to do
before he goes home."

"Is that why you've been so busy? Trying not to think about that?"

I sighed. I hated this. "Yes, perhaps."

"Just don't do anything you'll both regret."

I nearly pulled a muscle in my neck as my eyes snapped up to her.

She added "It may *be* a painful thought, but you've only got so much
time left with him, and you may wish later that you'd taken advantage
of what you did have. Go home and let us handle things, we're
practically through with the dayshift routine."

I managed a shaky smile. "Thank you, Saire. I think I will at that.
Could you make sure that last report gets off to Fleet Med for me? You
know my codes."

"I will." She patted my arm and moved off toward the stairs. I leaned
against the port and hyperventilated.

---

"And how was *your* day?" I asked tiredly, bumping into Julie on our
separate ways home.

"I was just seeing Ezri. You?"

"Finally...um, Luma just made a comment that turned my liver a bit
white, but it was nothing, really. How did it go with Ezri?"

"She says that as I know, I'm always going to have to compensate for
my differences to some degree, but under the circumstances she thinks
I'm adjusting spectacularly. We're not sure if all my little coping
mechanisms are actually unnecessary, or if I haven't had occasion to
use them--I haven't tried to learn to read Kardasi, for example, I
don't know if I'd need to...do whatever it was I used to do to be able
to read at all, the word 'translate' is confusing in that example. Or
the way I'd use whole phrases that I remembered--I haven't in a while,
but I also haven't got quite so terrifically upset in a while, such
that I'd need to. Anyway, she wants me to keep on with the various
forms of artwork, says they're making it easier for me to integrate
and express concepts."

"It is good therapy for you neurologically. What else?"

"Not much. Keep on with my exercises--she gave me a program of
different ones to break the monotony and keep me advancing when I feel
ready for them." He paused.

I noticed it and asked "You spoke of me, I take it?"

"*I* did. I asked her if she really intended to let you vanish, with a
high likelihood of never seeing you again, at least not for years,
without speaking to you. She said 'I can't talk about Julian'. When I
rephrased, she just repeated it. I gave in."

"I did tell you..."

---

"I can't sleep."

I rolled over and spooned him up to me. "I can't either. I thought
surely we'd know more about our assignment by now, it's *been* nearly
a week. We may have to make our own run for it, love, if we want to
keep together."

"I know, that's why I'm awake." He thrashed restlessly. "I hate
*waiting*."

"Kashi may be more so, but you're both creatures of action, that's
certain."

He turned and rolled me over on my back, climbed onto me and sighed
"Would you very much mind us making love until I collapse in
exhaustion?"

"We could be at it a while waiting for *that* to happen."

"So? We can't sleep anyway."

"Good po--mmph..."

I suppose because he thought I might be humoring him, he kept dropping
in little enhanced moves after I'd ceased to expect them. One caused
my hips to heave underneath him such that we could either roll over or
fall off the bed; rolling over put me on top, but I had no problem
with that.

At least not until he turned his head so that he was looking past my
shoulder, took my hands off their current place of rest, or not
exactly rest, and held them, saying past me "Hello. Nice shooting."

I'm not certain quite what I did next, but it ended, in about a
quarter of a second, with the coverlet back up off the floor and on
the bed, Julie sitting up, and me sprawled across his lap, with the
coverlet over all of me but my head and shoulders and all of Julie
from the waist down. "Wha...what..." I panted, trying to focus my eyes
on the relevant area of the room. She was silhouetted against the
port, fortunately. "Lis! *What* are you *doing* in here? If there's
something you need back, you could've asked me for it."

"That's not your Lis, sweetheart," Julie said softly, helping me sit
without dislodging the coverlet. "She beamed in. Leeta, what's going
on? Has something happened?" I was hanging on to his shoulder, soaking
in his calm.

Leeta seemed to need a little help that way herself. "Uh, Julian...my
Julian, I mean, is that...are you...Smiley was sure of the lifesigns,
but...I mean...Julian, is that really *you*? I mean...WOW."

"Was that a compliment?" I wondered quietly.

Julie said quietly "I know; the last time you saw me, I would have
been doing this with *anyone* about as quickly as I'd have gone down
to the holding cells and propositioned the Regent to join me at it. If
you want, we can talk about it later. Right now we need to know what's
happened. Do Smiley and Tess need me at once?"

Leeta, still rocked, gulped once, backed up until her legs bumped the
chair behind her, and sat down with a thump. "Tess is dead," she said
weakly, and covered her face with her hands.

Julie froze. "...dead...you're sure?"

"No body, conflicting reports. But it looks bad."

---

I'd got into a uniform tank and slacks; Julie just pulled on a pair of
pajama pants, and we joined Leeta in the front room.

"From the beginning, now," Julie said, as I brought cups of a soothing
tea to the table. He had pulled his chair around next to hers and was
sitting with a hand on her knee. I wondered a little at the gesture,
but this Leeta was doubtless not used to thinking of Julie having
anything but comfort in mind by such an action--though that would have
been strange enough in itself.

I set the tea down and perched on a nearby living room chair back.
Julie prodded Leeta's tea toward her; she picked it up in both hands
and sipped, then said "It was the Penthe Seven offensive."

"We've been planning that for over a year. Tess and Smiley decided to
go ahead with it?"

"We were close to the kind of firepower we'd projected we needed, and
we had enough trained people to crew the ships--it was sort of a
sudden break we were taking advantage of; the Alliance had to
reshuffle Klingon carrier-cruisers to defend the homeworld after the
Black Cloaks took out three cruisers and almost all the destroyers
there and at Seth'poQ. Tess and Smiley didn't want to do it without
you there, but Tess said she'd take command of the primary assault
wing herself."

"That *is* usually my job on major offensives," he asided to me, "Tess
is the military mastermind." He smiled back at Leeta--only slightly,
but definitely ferally. "So the Black Cloaks are up and flying now?
That's quite something. Go on."

"As for what happened exactly--it's been confused, and I've gone
through so many reports of the incident I'm not sure what to believe.
Some of the reports are even saying she's not dead, that when the
flank line broke and the enemy was getting around the primary wing to
englobe, it wasn't her who crashed her ship into the main
cruiser--that it was an accident, someone else. But too many people
said they received her order to break off and spread out to deal with
the smaller ships while she took out the cruiser."

Julie's head bowed slowly. "Tess...I know what you'd tell me. 'It was
the logical thing to do, Julian.' Damn your bloody logic. We needed
you, you *know* that. And you were my friend." He got up and paced to
one of the ports. "One more gone I could finally have been a real
friend to. Leeta, *where* were the Cloaks? Are the Blacks the only
ones flying?"

"That's got to be why she made the run, Julian," Leeta said quietly.
"She was in a Blue Cloak."

"That's a cloaked two-station raider from the Paelan yard, like mine,"
Julie muttered, apparently for my benefit. "That's what we were
calling them, on the drawing board."

Leeta continued "The Greys aren't flying yet, but the pilots are
training. We've been giving wing and mission commanders the Blue
Cloaks--she could get past their defenses, the main force had no idea
she was there. It was another force of small attack ships that turned
the offensive, launched from the cruiser. She hit the cruiser's
shields at warp, dead center of their screen dispersal pattern. It
destroyed the cruiser and the remaining attack ships."

"And it's only the beginning," I murmured, thinking of the massive
changes that had come over Julie's home in the time he'd been here.
"In only a few months--from what I saw, to...this."

"You're sure, then," Julie murmured. "She's dead."

"Julian, I'm sorry, but if she isn't dead, if that wasn't her--one
other Blue Cloak didn't make it back. But if she was so damaged she
*couldn't* make it back, make it out of the reach of the fighting, the
Alliance forces..."

"She'd have self-destructed," Julie whispered. "We can't let the
Alliance get the technology, whatever the cost. So then...like you
said, if it wasn't her...she *might* have managed to limp off
somewhere, might be alive...but there's no real hope."

"I'm afraid not. I'm sorry, I know how long you two were together in
the badlands hideouts." She got up and came to where Julie was slumped
by the port, very delicately touching his shoulder.

He turned and put both arms around her, hiding his face in her hair,
smoother and darker red than my Leeta's. This Leeta stiffened and
almost fell over, but caught herself on his shoulder, patting him
cautiously. "I *am* sorry," she repeated.

"So am I, love," I murmured. As I watched them, Leeta began to chew
her lip, and I shifted nervously. Apparently this wasn't all. Julie
looked a galaxy away already, but Leeta didn't seem to be done. My
anxiety at what this might do to his progress began to mount.

"There's more, isn't there," he graveled.

"Yeah," she said softly. He let her go and sat down on the sofa. She
stood uncertainly, then sank down next to him on the arm, bracing
herself there. "It's the Black Cloaks, and a lot of other people who
came through the badlands factions or were part of them from the
beginning. The free Terrans, too, and...you remember the Black pilots
were mostly your and Tess's people. They still are, and without Tess,
they feel like they've lost their voice in the rebellion. They weren't
too happy when you left--you work directly with Smiley, Tess only does
in certain areas. Smiley runs everything but the directly military
aspects of the organization. Tess may have been able to take over for
you to a degree, working with him...but she's gone now and if you
*are* alive, if Smiley hasn't just set your name up as a way to keep
himself in control, then they want you back where you belong,
according to them."

He was staring into space, his eyes huge, slumped in what would have
looked like relaxation if it hadn't been for that zombie stare.
"Tuvok," he said.

"Tuvok was only Tess's adjutant, he came aboard from the nonAllied
sympathizers."

"He can *do* the *job*."

"That doesn't matter, Julian--you and Tess had the loyalty, and you
know as well as anyone that this thing is held together by personal
loyalty. Besides..." she moved to sit down at his other side. "We've
got more problems. The Allied-race rebel sympathizers...are trying to
get *me* into the job."

"*What*?! You're *Bajoran!* That'll never happen!"

"I know, I told them that. They're arguing that if they're going to be
regarded as trash as much by us as by their own people, they might as
well not support us...hinting that their definition of how they're
treated is whether I'm allowed into the position."

"This is *insane*! Surely some of them are with us because they know
we're in the right."

"Some of them, of course, but listen--I don't know what's been
happening to you over here, but I think you've forgotten what things
are like at home. Most of the people who are with us--it's because
they know they stand no chance of anything like a real life under the
Alliance, no matter what race they're from."

"Not everyone's like that--not *you*. You were a member of the highest
d'jara!"

"I'm an exception."

I couldn't decide which of them to stare at more. Julie, so unlike the
man who had come here with me--or at his Leeta, so unlike the one I
knew, and even unlike the one I remembered from her own universe...but
then, I hadn't seen much of her there.

"And Julian...the Cloaks are saying if they don't have you, then they
want direct voice in all policy and action proceedings. All of them."

Julie made a disgusted noise and let his head fall into his hands. "My
bloody people. Thank you very much, Sela, Ranshim, everyone else in
the Cloaks..."

"And, um...the Terran sector factions, the ones who came aboard with
Sisko and Smiley, think we should take the opportunity to redirect the
supply lines the way he wanted them originally--"

"Is EVERYBODY taking Tess's death as a chance to advance their own
personal interests? Will our cause wind up going down in a fit of
internecine insanity--at the loss of *one* woman, *one* general? What
the hell has got *into* everybody?"

Leeta said "Julian...it's never been easy to hold this together, you
know that, you've been with us nearly since the beginning. It never
has been for any movement like this. We aren't a single race, a single
basic mindset, a single philosophy, any of that--the *only* thing we
all have in common is that we all want to bring down the
Alliance...and we're all willing to follow either Smiley, or you and
Tess...and Tess is gone."

Julie suddenly curled up into a ball on the sofa. I instantly got up
and came to him, kneeling next to him and putting my arm around his
shoulders. "Sweetheart?"

He looked at me, and I don't think I'd seen an expression such a mix
of...agony and love and sarcasm and despondency, anywhere. He just
gazed at me a while. Leeta was quiet; she was probably one of the few
people familiar with his--apparent--fits.

"Sweetheart, talk to me."

His lips moved a little; finally he closed his eyes and said "'When
the Hypocrites come to you, they say: 'We bear witness that you are
most surely Allah's apostle; and Allah knows that you are most surely
his apostle.' And Allah bears witness that the Hypocrites...are surely
liars.'"

"Oh, Julie..." I whispered.

"'And that is because they believe, then disbelieve--so a seal is set
upon their hearts, so that they do not understand,'" he continued.

"Julie, are you all right? Come on now, look at me."

He glanced at me. "Of course I'm all right. But you can't deny it was
relevant."

I sighed, letting my own eyes close.

"Julian," he said, moving closer to me. "She shouldn't have to tell me
any of this. I knew it all. It was clear, the moment I believed Tess
was gone. But we...you and I...we have to--I--I'm afraid...you and I
went through a great deal of indecisive frustration for nothing."

That same sense of unreality was back as I'd felt not long ago, on
discovering the information he'd had Garak spy out for him. "What are
you talking about?"

"Julian," he murmured, such a quiet sadness in his voice, in his
filling eyes. He caressed my cheek. "Would you still love me if I
turned my back now? Would you turn yours, in my place?"

My eyes were filling too.

"You know you never would. It isn't who you are...and it's not who I
am either, any more. Maybe it never was..."

"You were never any less than I am," I said in a tiny voice.

"Then you see...*do* I have a choice?"

"Yes," I groaned, in an urgency of anguish.

"Please don't, Julian, it already hurts enough," he murmured, the
tears beginning to drip. "Think...how far did we go with this--how
much of this desperate plan we settled on came to be--because neither
of us could bear the thought of disappointing the other?"

"*Disappointing*? I thought it came about because we love each other!"

"In part it was, I do love you, so very much--and I know you love me.
But then, too...how could I disappoint you, walk away from you and all
that love you have for me, after everything you've done for me? And
how could you disappoint me, let me down, leave me alone when I needed
you, after everything you took it upon yourself to give me? But it
doesn't matter why we convinced ourselves, any more. My Julian, my
love...I have to go back to them. And you can't be with me, not there,
it'd be nearly effortless for your people to track you down. And I
think this heart I can finally feel is...is pretty bloody sick right
now," he finished, falling forward into my arms.

Leeta might not have known everything behind what he was saying, but
she could easily see the most important thing about it, and she's one
of the most feeling souls I know; her face was wet as she stood
slowly. "I have to find Ishikawa. She needs to know what's happening,
too."

"Tell Ezri as well," I said hoarsely. "Have the computer locate Ezri
Dax--it won't be able to pinpoint Ishikawa. They're almost certainly
together at this hour."

"Right. I will." She left quickly.

"Julie," I began in a broken voice; he laid his fingers over my lips.
"No, shh, here..." he moved his hand and kissed me, softly,
repeatedly, his hands moving over me with quiet determination, pushing
me gently back against the sofa.

I held him close against me and choked "You can't mean this. How can
you not understand...Julie, I would give up everything I ever wanted
for you--I've *never* been willing to do such a thing before. How can
you simply--"

"I can't simply. Julian, please don't do this to me," he whispered,
and sobbed softly. "I can't bear it. Don't make me think, don't make
me think about it, or it'll kill me, I know it will."

"It'll kill us both!"

"Answer me, what I said about whether you would love me if I deserted
my people now, under these circumstances. How could you love anyone
who would do that? Like I said, you'd never do it, not for any
reason."

"I'd do it for you."

"No, you wouldn't. Julian, it's why I love you."

"How can you...decide this so suddenly? Do you have any idea how I
feel knowing you can just toss aside everything we've been through?"

His gaze was tortured. "Don't say that to me, you'll break my heart. I
can't toss it aside. But I can...let this knowledge, this
realization...remain unreal to me. Unreal enough that I can go
back..." his voice broke. "...without you. But not if you make me
think about it. Please, don't talk. Just touch me...please..."

I couldn't see straight, I couldn't think, I couldn't believe this was
happening. I wanted to fling him away from me, scream at him, hurt
him, nearly as much as I wanted to cling to him and beg. "How can
you...how *can* you do this...? How can you leave me?" How was it
possible, how could he not love me as much as I loved him? How could I
keep breathing, hurting this much?

"Julian..." he pulled back from me a little. Tears ran freely down his
cheeks, but he could speak clearly enough. "If you don't stop this...I
*won't* be able to do it, and I think we both know that would destroy
us just as surely."

I was at a loss. I felt immobilized, punctured and drained, a dead
skin with nothing inside but this hard, throat-closing ache, drowned
in horror at a cosmic joke at my expense, fathoms down. I couldn't
stand to feel. I heard myself whisper, childlike, in shock, "Don't you
love me?"

"More than my life. More than anything."

"Anything but your people. Your cause."

"Not my cause," he choked. "Only my people." He slumped against the
sofa and began to cry, quietly, hopelessly.

I wanted to cry, too, but I couldn't. I pulled Julie into my lap. "My
love...let me come with you."

"You can't. You know why."

"Your people need doctors. I can help you enormously."

"Julian!" He sat up. "Stop this, *please*. If you came with me, your
people could find you within a matter of weeks, no matter how we tried
to hide you, and you'd have destroyed your career, lost
everything...and we still wouldn't be together. You *know* that.
Please, stop doing this! Aren't we hurting enough? Do you really have
to make it worse?"

"How can you not even...not even try to think of a way for us to stay
together?"

"I am trying. But it's...it's a worst-case scenario, Julian. We can't
be together the way we want. That possibility is lost to us. Do as
I've said--think of trying to make the damage as easy to deal with as
we can...because the situation can't be salvaged."

I was beginning to believe it, to understand that this was genuine,
this would happen, and there was nothing I could do to prevent it.
"Julie..." I touched his cheek, and the dam burst, and I sobbed, hot
tears coursing down my face. "I love you," I managed to gasp before
collapsing in his lap. It was all I could think of to say to express
everything I was feeling--the anger, pain, resentment, need,
abandonment...and love, too.

He rocked me. "Julian, sweetheart, my love...we're going to be all
right. Somehow. I don't know how, but it will be all right...we'll be
all right."

---

The computer directed Leeta to Ezri's quarters; she signaled.

After a small interval the door swished open to reveal Ezri, in a
frilly white robe. "Leeta?" she blinked sleepily.

"Not your Leeta," the other woman said gently. "I need to speak with
Ishikawa."

Ezri's eyes got big. "Uh, sure. Come in. Kashi?"

Twenty minutes later, all three of them were sitting with cups of
their preferred hot beverage as Leeta finished briefing them. Kashi
was wearing a pair of black slacks and a very large pair of eyes,
curled up in a chair as she sipped her tea. "Gods, Smiley and Tess
must really have hauled ass on this cloaking strategy offensive."

"They did, all right. I've never seen anything come together so fast
in all my time in the rebellion."

"They need me specifically for anything?"

"Smiley would like to pick your brains some more, but mostly we just
need all the trained pilots and fighters we can get. You've also got a
good background in defensive strategy; so yes, we could really use
you, but it's nothing like how bad we need Julian. Speaking of
him...um...he's been through some serious changes, hasn't he?"

"Very serious, yes he has," Ezri said, and explained a bit about
Julie's various therapies and their results.

"And your Julian. He and mine are together?"

"As much as humanly possible, " Kashi smirked. "They each turn into
walking hormone storms whenever the other one comes near. You have
never seen the like of rutting. You know Julie told me that he and
Julian, if they stretch a little first, can *actually*--"

"Maybe we should hear that from Julie, if he wants to tell us," Ezri
interrupted, causing Leeta to look mildly disappointed. "And anyway, I
don't see why you're surprised. You're a hormone storm all the time."

"Only around certain people," Kashi demurred with a wink at Leeta and
a grin at Ezri. Both women smiled.

Ezri got up and wandered pensively toward the replicator with her cup.
"Leeta...how were they when you left?"

"Not good. My Julian was crying and it looked like yours was about to.
My Julian said he had to go back with me, and that yours couldn't be
with him there. Were they planning on that? Your Julian coming to our
side of the Mirror?"

"They weren't really sure what they were planning for a while there,
except to stay together," Ezri sighed.

"It would be...nice if they could...I saw them together when I beamed
in. Very very together."

"Ohhh," Kashi said, and smiled a bit evilly. "As in H-clamped."

"As in I literally couldn't tell where one of them left off and the
other started."

"Well, since they look nearly identical that's not hard to believe,"
Ezri said and tried to shake herself back to reality. The mental
picture was giving her the tingles.

"Even after my Julian saw me and they, ahm, stopped and your Julian
pulled the covers back over them...Prophets...my Julian had his hair
down, I never noticed how shiny it is--he usually wears it knotted up
in back...his eyes were like...stars, he was holding your guy in his
lap...I'd never seen him...*glow* like that. Both of them, it was
beautiful, I wasn't sure if what I was looking at was real. On top of
the shock of my Julian being in bed with anybody at all...he had to
kind of talk me down."

"Can't fight you," Kashi said, "I've seen them getting mighty friendly
too, though not in bed. As much as they love each other it's a crime
they can't be together. It seems so *right* for them. Not like Keiko
and me...we do kind of gravitate to each other, but so do twins, don't
they? It's more like that for us."

"You're a lot more like Keiko than Julie is like Julian," Ezri pointed
out. She came back and sat down, sighing. "I have to admit,
superficial and simplistic as it seems, I agree with you. I came in to
their quarters one day; Julian was sitting on the sofa with a padd and
Julie was sort of wrapped around him, asleep. Neither of them were
wearing a shirt and Julian has the most *incredible* skin. I almost
tripped. Those two together are nothing short of a natural wonder."

Leeta got slit-eyed. "You know, it never occurred to me to see my
Julian as attractive. He just wasn't...it just wasn't there with him.
Well, some people didn't care about that, I knew that they thought he
was...desirable...but I didn't think of him that way at all. Until I
saw him half an hour ago." She shook her head. "We've gotta stop
thinking about this, you two, there's more important things going on
than me and Dax here getting our ileves off."

"Our what?" Ezri wondered. "Translator didn't catch that..."

"It's a body part you don't have. Could be only Bajoran women do, I've
never heard any of my human friends mention it. It, uh...it's a gland,
kind of."

Ezri said "Oh. Well, in any case your point is taken. Should I call
your counterpart to bring you a few things? I don't think we can look
for you taking Julie back tonight, for sure. You let me stay with you,
now I'll return the favor."

"If you don't mind. I would like to meet my counterpart."

"Like with so many of us, you and she aren't all that much alike..."

"The hell they're not. They're both as sweet as Tupelo honey," Kashi
grinned, making Leeta smile again.

---

At some point, we got up and got into the bedroom, I'm not sure when
or how, we were both so exhausted with grief and weeping. Even so, I
woke sometime very early in the morning, wrapped into a tight,
possessive knot with him. That horrible thing that happens when one
sleeps under those circumstances--one forgets, partially, and waking,
one slowly goes cold as the knowledge seeps in again--happened, and my
chest closed, but I was too weary for tears, was denied that release.

I extricated myself from him carefully and got dressed in some things
I found lying over the chair back, and went out to the front room,
moving slowly, feeling a million years old; I knew that was what I
looked like. I paused and switched the terminal on, and left a glowing
message there to the effect that I was going to speak to Ezri. I
paused on my way out, came back and added a line saying "I'm all
right. I love you." The first part of which was not strictly true, but
I didn't want him worrying.

Ezri answered the door; she didn't look surprised to see me at first,
but then her face registered startlement. "Julie?"

"What?" My brow creased; then I looked down and realized the clothes
I'd put on were his, a pair of his pale canvas trousers and that
ripped blue tunic. "Oh. No, it's me, Ezri."

"Julian. Come in." She stepped back to let me in. "Sit down."

"I won't be here long." I saw Leeta sitting up on the sofa; she was
wearing one of our own Leeta's nightgowns, one I'd seen her in. "I was
hoping you were still here," I said.

"I can't go back until I've heard what Julian has to say," she
explained. "I'm actually supposed to bring him with me."

"Rather than that, I'd like it if you'd do us a favor and take back
the supplies and equipment he and I had been going to bring to you and
Smiley. That should defuse things for a little while, at any rate, and
let everyone know that Julie *is* alive, in a sense, though not in
that universe."

"But he will be coming back?"

"That's what he says," I said steadily, in a dry, gravelly voice. "We
can take you to bay three in the morning. Everything's there."

She nodded, gazing compassionately at me. "How are you two?"

"How did we look?" I said, dully and ungraciously, and turned to go.

Ezri touched my arm. "Julian," she said gently, her small fair brow
furrowed.

"You would seem to have your wish, Ezri. Unless I can think of some
way to save the situation," I said without looking at her. "Please
tell Kashi for me that some of the cargo Leeta will be taking was
designed to make attempts at artificial insemination possible--it
would only need someone with very basic medical experience; we're
sending complete literature with all of it." She started to speak
again, but I shook off her hand and left.

I walked mechanically for a while, not seeing my surroundings;
eventually habit brought me to the Promenade, and I ascended the steps
to the upper levels. There was very little traffic at this hour;
minutes would go by with no one in sight but me.

There wasn't much animation of any kind in me. I had not come up from
that deathly well that engulfed me as I realized Julie meant what he
was saying. I leaned against the rail, bracing my tailbone there and
steadying myself with my hands. My eyes unfocused as I stared out the
port in front of me...suddenly I felt a stab, remembering the sinking
feeling of realizing that he could not possibly love me as much as I
did him. I was willing to give everything; he wasn't. On hearing of
T'ser's death, he was almost immediately willing to let it come
between us--and to let *anything* come between us...I couldn't
understand.

I didn't make any kind of connection to the footsteps behind me,
didn't realize anyone was near until it finally sank in that the
footsteps had stopped without fading away again. I looked up.

"Doctor," Garak said softly.

I squinted at him in puzzlement, unable to fathom how or why he was
there.

He saw that and said "Julie called me. Your absence woke him, and when
Ezri said you'd gone from her quarters, he was concerned...and fairly
certain that you didn't want to see him at the moment, or you'd have
gone straight home. He told me what's happened, Julian."

"I wanted to be alone," I said listlessly, and let my gaze wander
again.

"I'm not sure that's wise," he said.

"I don't want to talk, Garak."

He leaned against the rail next to me. "It's not fair, is it," he said
softly.

My head bowed and I felt tears stinging my eyes.

He continued "That's a difficult thing for you to understand. It
always has been."

"I love him, and he loves me," I whispered. "What's so terribly wrong
with wanting to have that in my life?"

"Nothing, of course."

"I've never been able to hold onto it. I've never found it so
strongly, ever. I don't think I can do what he says I have to,
Garak--I can't manage to smile and wave while someone I love walks out
of my life, not this time. God. Not again."

"If you can't find it in yourself to smile, I don't think anyone will
hold it against you. I'm sure Julie won't be smiling."

"Don't be so sure. It *is* his idea. A week, two weeks, however long
it turns out being until the Defiant leaves...that's all we've got now
unless I can...oh, damn him..."

"It sounds as if you harbor some resentment toward him."

"Wouldn't you?" I moaned bitterly. "You know what I was prepared to do
for him."

"Yes, and I must say I could never have imagined you doing it for any
reason, particularly a personal one. Abandoning your post, sacrificing
your commission, your ability to openly practice...something about
that just didn't ring true, Doctor. It isn't who you are."

"I'd've done it, Garak, it has to be who I am."

"No. You'd have done it...but it would have been wrong. Not because
you would have been breaking the law and betraying your oaths; but
because it would be wrong, as an upset in the universal constant, for
Julian Bashir to do such a thing."

My gaze flicked up to him. "Who are you to tell me right from wrong?"

"Someone who can see a natural model of integrity when it's gleaming
there in front of him."

I covered my face with my hands, let them slide slowly down my cheeks,
rubbing my sore eyes. "You'd be referring to me?"

"I'm not referring to Julie. You see, Julian...Julie and I are
survivors, and our scruples are all designed to service that end.
Well, perhaps not all; at his very core, Julie is you--Julian
Bashir--and he couldn't let the Rebellion fall apart when it became
obvious that he was the only thing which could possibly save it.
However, he does understand about fairness or the lack of it. Believe
me when I tell you that Julie is in no less pain than you are right
now, and he loves you no less--but he understands necessity, and that
it doesn't always have anything to do with justice...and Julie rather
expects the universe to be a hurtful place, expects anything good
eventually to be taken away. That's why he is able to accept this,
where your sense of fairness is putting you through a...rage, on top
of the pain...a rage at fate."

"So I'd be happier right now if I were a defeatist."

"Not happier, but not so consumed, perhaps. Forget justice, forget
right and wrong. This is life, not an ideal."

"Would I still be me if I did that?"

His voice became even softer. "No. And I had no real expectation that
you would--but I had to say it. You must know how much it pains me to
see you in such despair." He laid a hand on my shoulder.

"I suppose," I whispered.

He moved closer. "Listen to me, Julian. I know you won't be able to
truly hear this right now, and I'll most likely have to say it to you
again when you aren't in such shock. But speaking as one who did give
up everything he'd ever wanted, everything he'd worked for, everything
he loved and that defined him as an individual...in very little time,
you'd have realized you'd been a damned fool, doomed yourself and
Julie to eventually resent each other so much that you would both be
left with absolutely nothing, and you would have cursed yourself and
him for it."

My head jerked up. Perhaps the pain of hearing someone I'd thought was
a friend say such a thing to me right then gave me the animation to
glare at him.

He was undeterred. "Julian, it's hell, pure and unadulterated. And
worse for you. In my heart, I never betrayed Tain; I only did what I
had to do, what I thought I *should* do. And as I've said, my code of
honor--as much of one as I had; as you know, it is not the first
priority of an intelligence operative--was quite malleable in
comparison to yours. You, though, would knowingly have betrayed your
own conscience, your uniform, your medical oaths, Captain Sisko's
trust--it's hell for me. It would have been a veritable death sentence
for you."

"Being with Julie could *never* be *hell*," I ground out, and looked
away. "You must have no idea what it's like to truly love someone."

He was silent. Finally, he said "I know how distraught you are at the
moment, so I'll pretend you didn't say that. Julian, I think it would
be best if you went home. I would be disturbed, if I were you, by what
Julie might be thinking. He knows you're angry; he may be afraid that
you're angry enough to push him away completely."

"God." He was right. Julie had been only too ready to believe that
before, and I hadn't even evinced anger at him then, as I had this
time. "Yes, I'll...I'll get back to him. Good night, Garak," I said
shortly, and started to move away; finally I paused, turned, and spoke
without looking at him. "Thank you for...finding me. For Julie's sake.
I shouldn't have worried him like this."

"You're entirely welcome, Doctor," he said, and turned to head for the
stairs.

Back in my quarters, Julie was sitting in the dark, his usual wont
when upset. I think he feels sheltered by it, somehow, less exposed.

He didn't move when I came in; I went to where he was, on the couch,
and sank down next to him. He still didn't move.

"I'm not angry," I said, and slid my arms around him. He shivered and
melted against me, returning the embrace. It wasn't true; I was still
angry, but I wouldn't hurt him with it even so. I would keep it to
myself.

---
TWENTY-EIGHT: "I love you tonight, like I did yesterday--I won't think
of tomorrow, or the price I'll pay. I'll be ridin' that train, and
I'll be singing that song--but I won't be gone for long."

Melissa Etheridge
---

Garak stirred in his sleep, sighed--then blinked abruptly awake and
sat bolt upright. Julie lowered his hand to his side where he sat on
the edge of the bed. "Good evening, Elim."

"Julie, I have certain sentry devices active in here..."

"You set them not to respond to Julian."

Garak sighed. "That's right, some years ago, to keep them from killing
him while he...attended to me during an illness. Ridiculous oversight.
I must be slipping. What...brings you here? I was under the impression
you were leaving when the Defiant undocks in two days; shouldn't you
be...?"

"I will be, later. I came to say goodbye." Julie deliberately seized
the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head and off. "Unless
you're too tired?"

"Oh, my sweet...never too tired for you."

---

It was early evening by the waterfall, and it had been all night.

People talk of times that they wish could go on forever, that it
seemed were over in a comparative instant; this wasn't like that. Oh,
it could have gone on longer, time certainly didn't drag; but it was
like time wasn't passing, for more reasons than the program being set
to remain early evening until deactivated. It seemed that we couldn't
be touched, he and I; that as long as we wanted to stay here, we
could--that nothing could drive us from this place until we wanted to
go. I knew, of course, that it wasn't so, and some part of me kept
enjoining the rest to pay attention, remember how little time we had,
enjoy this to the fullest...and the rest of me wouldn't believe it.
I'm not sure if it was like that for Julie; I think he was more aware
of the shrinking number of hours we had left. But for me, it was as
though we were suspended in time, in space, in an island of our own
creation, an island that consisted of us, together.

Julie surged up out of the water onto the bank just behind me; I
rolled out of his way, and he rolled up and got on top of me, a thick
crystalline arc of water flying off to my right as the glistening mass
of his hair flipped around and slapped against the deep green grass.
His mouth engulfed mine and I crushed him against me with both arms.
We were already halfway there, for perhaps the dozenth time that
night, this most recent session of horseplay in the water having
quickly gone from playful to erotic; without a word, we had finally
made a mutual lunge for the bank.

He let me hold him like that a moment, as we searched each other's
mouths hungrily; then he wriggled and pulled himself from my grasp and
turned, straddling my shoulders, his hair leaving a heavy, cool trail
across my ribs and down my stomach to my groin. I closed my eyes and
opened my mouth, feeling the clear droplets that fell from the soft
curls between his legs, tiny splashes against my face, light and cool,
a gentle rain. "Julie...*oh*!"

The heat of his mouth, after the long immersion in cool water, sent a
jolt through me and I jerked, clutching at his hips and sliding my
hands around to grasp his buttocks and urge him down to me, as my own
hips began to rock desperately. Some of the clear drops I tasted on
his satiny erection were cool, some very warm, and salty. I opened my
mouth wider, pulling him down farther; he was still shaking a little
from the spasm that had gripped him, the same reaction I had felt when
his mouth touched me.

I moaned against the hard flesh as he sucked me carefully, his tongue
laving me, and I took more of him in, caressing him with both hands;
the sleek inside of his thighs, the sensitive flesh just between his
legs, everything I could reach without distracting me from the
pleasure he gave me, or from pleasuring him. I squeezed his testes
gently, too preoccupied to do more, and I felt his muscles weaken
further for a moment; he did the same to me, and I was glad I didn't
have to hold myself up.

He moaned and murmured softly, the sounds making me groan in response;
then the smell of cereus began to enfold us, vanquishing the
interference of the water, and in another moment I was giving up,
letting it come...and he clutched at me, with a cry as I slid from his
mouth, and he let it come, too.

Panting, I pulled at his arm, bringing him up to me. We kissed,
tasting a sweet saltiness in each other's mouths. Burying his face in
my neck, he shuddered and I felt him sob inaudibly. "No, sweetheart,
don't...don't think about it...you're just here with me, that's all,
think of that..."

"I know." He kissed me again, running his enhanced fingers over my
chest and throat, touching my face; I caressed him with increasing
urgency all along the length of his torso. He spared me not at all
with those hands, and in only a few moments I was hard again, and
clutching at him desperately.

He reached behind himself where he straddled me and took me in one
hand, and began to ease down onto me. My eyes squeezed shut briefly as
I groaned and held steady against the pressure, rocking up against
him; in only two easy pushes of us against each other I was inside him
completely...he knew how much I appreciated being able to see him
while we made love...

I had one hand braced firmly against his hip, holding us steady in the
rhythm we quickly found; I touched him with the other, stroking in
time. He was radiantly beautiful, eyes half-closed, lips parted, his
skin glowing beneath a sheen of water in the last of the ambient
deep-gold light, his shaft dark and glistening in my hand with clear
wetness--

"Julie! Ohh--"

As my hips slammed up against him I felt him let go of his own weight,
pressing him down against me suddenly once, then over and over again
as the shaking tension in my spasming muscles held us both off the
grass and I felt him flooding powerfully out over my fingers, as he
strained against me, gasping.

I collapsed back to the grass. He clasped me close for a moment, his
breath coming hot and fast against my neck; then he gently uncoupled
us and slid down a little, curling around me with his head on my
shoulder. I absently rubbed my hand in the grass before wrapping that
arm around him as well.

He whispered "How much time do we have left?"

"Don't think about it. The computer will alert us."

"I need to know," he repeated softly.

"Computer, time," I said, acquiescing to his need to feel every
second.

"The time is eight hundred hours."

"Julian." He lifted his head and met my eyes. "I want you to believe
something--I *can* travel back here without any prohibition, and I
will. It won't be soon, but we will see each other again, this won't
be our final time together. We'll never have a final time together--it
doesn't matter what happens in either of our lives."

"Julie, we're both in the middle of war. You can't be sure--"

"I am sure. You'd better believe me, or you're going to feel like a
bloody damned fool when I see you next."

"This tour on the Defiant...it should take about two months. After
that, barring anything...unforeseen, I should be back on the station,
but you know how iffy both of our situations--"

"That doesn't *matter*. I'll find you. Even if they've blown your ship
up, do you think I'll give up before I've made sure of that for
myself? I've got a number of...friends--on both sides-- and an
extremely cagey engineer going for me, you know."

"I know. I believe you, sweetheart. But please...don't live moment to
moment waiting for the chance to see me again. I don't want to think
of you having nothing else in your life."

"Oh, Julian...I'm going to have more in my life now than I could ever
have dreamed of having before, and I'm going to explore all of
it--when I've got the leisure, that is. We do both have our jobs to
do. And something tells me we're going to be paying a great deal of
attention to them for a while, at least."

"At least." I do tend to drown myself in work as therapy, and it had
been obvious that Julie did the same thing, though he had other
outlets now.

He pulled himself around and up closer. "But remember that I will come
to you again. We can't risk it often, but it will happen. I won't ever
say good-bye to you."

I should have told him that we should try to let go, to think of each
other as gone even if we did manage to see each other
periodically...but I couldn't face that thought any more than he
could. The only way I could manage this was to think of him as gone
for a while, not for good.

I hadn't wanted to manage it at all. I'd only stopped coming up with
reasons to go with him and ways to arrange it when he threw the
sculpture of Kashi's stars into the wall, shattering it, screaming at
me to stop, damn it, just stop it...part of me saw that he was on the
edge--that if I really wanted to, I could convince him, that he would
let me do this if I entreated him to. The rest of me wondered at my
own behavior, forcing Julie to have the strength of purpose for both
of us. There seemed no rhyme or reason to what part of me was in
ascension at any given time.

"Then I won't say it either, my love."

We lay wrapped close, stroking each other, whispering endearments,
sighing with each other's breath.

"The time is eight hundred thirty hours."

Denial fell over me full force, and I tuned everything out but the
sight of him there with me as we sat up slowly. Without speaking, we
got up and slid into the water again for a few moments, washing each
other with our hands, and then climbed back out. I toweled him off
gently, running my fingers, and then a static brush, through his hair.
He braided it with swift, efficient movements and fastened the end
before pulling his clothes on. I sat in the grass watching his every
motion with all my enhanced attention, memorizing everything.

He knelt next to me finally. "Are you sure?" I whispered as he took my
shoulders.

He nodded, his eyes great glowing embers. "I don't want you to watch
me vanish, and I don't want to see your face while you do, and I don't
want you dissolving in my vision into flickers of light. You *have*
already said goodbye to Kashi?"

"Yes. Last night, as soon as you told me this was what you wanted."

He nodded. "I want to think of you here, knowing that I'll come back.
You *do* know I'll come back?"

I nodded dutifully, though as I'd said, we couldn't be sure. But it
didn't matter. Even if he didn't come back, well--see the last of him
disintegrating on a transporter pad, or see the last of him here by
the waterfall? It wasn't much of a choice.

"Don't stop loving me," he said softly. "As long as you do...I can."

"I promised you," I told him.

He kissed me, soft and deep, and stood abruptly, staggering slightly;
eyes closed, he backed away from me a few steps before turning toward
where the door was and heading that way. "Computer, arch."

There, he hesitated a long moment, and at last did turn to look back
at me. I sat frozen, because I refused to cry and make this harder for
him, but I knew that if I opened my mouth...

"I'll never stop loving you, either," he said, and smiled a gentle,
genuine smile before turning and striding through the doors.

I stretched out on the slightly crushed green where we'd just made
love. I had a few minutes before I had to get ready and get aboard the
Defiant.

I hid my face in the grass and thought about Gilgamesh.

---

In the lift, Ezri and Kashi stood with their arms around each other.

"You know, Julie's determined to get back here," Kashi said with a
rough, congested undertone to her voice.

"I know. He told me, too."

"I didn't want to ask this because I thought I knew what you'd
say...but do you want me to come with him?"

Ezri was silent as the lift moved.

"Forget I said it."

"No. I do want you to come with him, Kashi," Ezri whispered, holding
her crushingly tight. "I do want to see you again. I just don't..."

"Yeah, I know. We're over and we're getting on with our lives, I'm not
trying to drag things out, I just like the thought of being able to
see you again."

"I like it too. That way we can just say 'until next time.'"

"God, Ezri, you're such a cornball."

The both chuckled. "So you think maybe you'll be spending some time
with your Leeta, back on your side?" Ezri wondered.

"Well, sure, but...she's gotten to be a lot more than Smiley's
clerical aide; she had some authority then, but she's got even more
now. I'm not sure how much time she'll have for little ol' me."

"Oh, I'm sure she could...work you in somewhere..."

"AAK! That Was Horrible! I've finally corrupted you!" Kashi grinned
back, kissing Ezri hugely, which was what they were doing when the
lift thumped to a halt.

Ezri got one eye open and glanced around. Sisko, Keiko, Miles, Kira,
Odo, Worf, Rom, Leeta, Dr. Guirani, and assorted Ops staff were
offering reactions from broad grins to rolled eyes to Keiko's snort of
laughter and hiding of her face in Miles's shoulder. Sisko just smiled
patiently.

Ezri broke their clinch. "Um, here we are..."

"Hey folks," Kashi grinned. "Where's Julie?"

"He's here," Julie said, coming up through one of the ladder accesses.

The good-byes were brief but poignant--except for the goodbye and
thanks between Julie and Sisko, which was decorous and mutually
respectful, and the one between Kashi and Keiko, which was longer and
poignant, and involved Kashi whispering something to Keiko that made
Keiko's eyebrows rise. Kashi laid a finger across Keiko's lips. Keiko
nodded.

"All set, Old Man?" Sisko asked softly as Ezri and Kashi, standing
together on the platform, finally separated and Kashi picked up the
cases that had been brought there for her to carry.

Sisko laid a hand on Ezri's shoulder as she stepped down, saying "Set,
Benjamin."

Kashi winked at her. "Later, babe."

"Later," Ezri smiled.

"Chief?" Julie said, and exchanged a look with Kashi; they reached out
to each other and clasped hands so hard their knuckles whitened. "Do
your stuff," Julie finished.

"Energizing." Miles tapped controls.

Kashi and Julie vanished.

There was an odd silence, then finally a small stir. "All right,
people, we have a mission to get underway," Sisko said finally,
quietly. "Let's get moving. Old Man..." he paused Ezri with a hand on
her arm. She looked up at him expectantly, her eyes a little misty.
"Dr. Bashir?"

"He...Julie asked him not to be here. They said their good-byes
privately. He's probably already aboard ship."

Sisko nodded and they went to complete their respective preparations.

---

I was in my cabin on the Defiant, mechanically putting things away;
the door signal sounded. Oh, no, it was starting...the commiseration.
'Don't make me think about it, please, I know you're my friends, but
don't do this...' "Who is it?"

"Benjamin."

I was briefly brought out of my haze of depression--that it was the
Captain, and that he'd identified himself that way..."Come in,
please."

The door slid open, and the Captain stepped in. Rather than his usual
solemn reserve, he instead appeared...solemn, yes, but not reserved.
There was tremendous fellow-feeling in his expression. I opened my
mouth to ask what I could do for him, but somehow the sound never
emerged. Looking into his eyes, I felt a brief shudder--my blanket of
haze being lifted, and laid gently aside.

He set a hand on my shoulder; the contact was like a trigger and my
throat spasmed painfully, my eyes stinging. The sympathy that came off
him was palpable. 'Julie was right,' I thought, 'he does radiate.
Wonder that I've never felt it so clearly 'til now.'

Very gently, he pulled me to him, and I rested against his broad chest
as he ran a hand soothingly over my back. He said nothing, but after I
had finally calmed a bit I could feel something--like a low rumbling.
We've all heard him sing, of course, but this was a tactile sound,
almost inaudible. It made my eyes want to droop closed; I felt far
more sheltered than my own father has ever made me feel. Captain Sisko
is older than I am, of course, but not remotely old enough to be my
father...

I wondered at this inordinate amount of familiarity; I knew that he
had changed since becoming wholly committed to his position as the
Emissary of the Prophets, but this was more of a behavioral difference
than I had even imagined--and I realized why he sympathized with me so
much over this. It probably explained the way he'd been acting ever
since Julie came back with me.

He had seen what I hadn't, at first--for one, that I loved someone
with the same passion and commitment he had felt for Jennifer; and
secondly, the Captain had known how likely it was that I'd lose him
just as completely--as far as he was aware--as he had lost his wife.
In a sense, Julie *was* dead; he no longer existed in this universe.

Speaking of as far as he was aware--I felt a frisson of guilt over how
close I had come to what he would see as a monumental betrayal of my
uniform, my profession and his personal trust--and then a deeper
frisson struck. Standing there with his arms around me, I developed
the distinct impression that he knew a lot more than I'd thought he
did, about all of it. Perhaps not exact details, but enough all the
same. How he would have known, I couldn't say, but I'll still swear
that he did, that he does.

And then I felt something else. It was similar to my realizing, rather
than the magnitude of the betrayal Julie had nearly committed against
me, the magnitude of his sacrifice at not following through. The only
important thing, when it came down to it, was that he had not, after
all, carried through with his plans...I would have sworn that Sisko
was somehow communicating the same sentiment to me. My dripping tears
became just a little more frequent.

I'm not sure how long we stood there, exactly, but finally he let his
arms fall slowly, and I stepped back. He took my shoulders and held
them a moment, then did a thing I found even more remarkable than the
embrace. He wiped the tears off my cheeks with the backs of his
fingers, and said one word: "Someday."

I met his eyes, and nodded after a moment. I knew what he meant.

He returned the nod, then left me to gather myself. I sat on the lower
bunk and did so, forehead resting in my palms, elbows braced on my
knees, concentrating, breathing. Once my professional mindset was
firmly in place, I rose and started for the infirmary. We had a
grueling stint of patrolling, escort duty and general rendering of aid
coming up--it was only supposed to be patrol, but it always wound up
being all three, and usually more than that. And I had brought plenty
of experimental work with me; the expert on Dominion-species biology
couldn't let up on his research even aboard a battleship.

'Thank God for work,' I thought, knowing I was going to be cursing
myself for thinking it inside two weeks. 'But thank God anyway.'

On my way, I met Miles, as I was getting into the lift he was coming
out of. He said offhandedly "'Lo, Julian--"

"Miles." I caught his shoulder. "I wondered...when you get a free
moment--I know you have even fewer of those than I do, but when you
do, would you let me know? There are some things I want to talk about
with you. There's a lot you don't know about the last few months...and
I'd rather you did. I don't like having secrets from you."

He had looked impatient at first, but by the time I stopped speaking
his blue eyes were wide. He paused, then said "Sure thing, Julian.
I'll call you."

"Right." I got aboard the lift and let the doors close. No, I wouldn't
tell him anything that it would be *too* serious a burden for him to
know. But there was a lot besides that to talk about.

---

"Julian...I hate to say this..."

"Oh, hell. Not you, too."

"...but they're both right." he wedged in next to me on the lower bunk
in my cabin.

"Can't even *you* believe that I might know what would make me happy?"

"No, not at the moment. You were really in love--"

"*Am* really in love."

"Fine, but anyway, it's as Ezri said--that isn't always enough. Of
course *you* would want it to be enough every time, but...listen, I'm
not going to beat you over the head. You know we're saying this--that
we know you'd have regretted it--to try to make you feel better, but
it's obviously only frustrating you worse, so I'll shut up."

"You don't have any idea how alone I've felt all my life..."

"Yes, I do. No, no firsthand experience, but I know you, what it's
been like for you with the enhancements and all, having to hide so
much. But you don't have to any more, it's not impossible you'll find
someone else now that it's--"

"God, Miles, he only walked out of my arms this morning!"

"Sorry, bad thing to say. You know, I don't think there's anything
really good I *can* say right now."

I rubbed my eyes. "You're right. I've been a bastard to everyone
lately; I'm sorry. But how would you feel if you lost Keiko?"

"I'd feel more alone than I can describe, and like no one else could
possibly understand what I was going through. I know. You want me to
put word out to leave you alone?"

"I'd appreciate that, Miles. I don't want to...offend anybody
else...but everybody's so certain that I've got no clue about things!
Gods, Julie was even certain I was wrong about this."

"And when you get something lodged in your craw, nobody can tell you
anything, I know that well enough."

"We really *wanted* to be together, both of us, and there's no *good*
reason we shouldn't...only a lot of bureaucratic nonsense...It's just
so unfair," I whispered, and wondered that I hadn't heard before how
childish I sounded saying it.

"It is that," was all Miles said, draping an arm over my shoulders.

---
TWENTY-NINE:
"I'm going back to the other side of the mirror..."

Stevie Nicks
---

Julie and Kashi stood motionless, hands still joined, as people looked
up and noticed them. A stir quickly spread through the Ops workers,
punctuated frequently by the name "Bashir", and several people broke
into grins as others lunged for comm links.

"Hey, nice to see you all too," Kashi muttered, and smirked sidelong
at Julie, making him grin back. They released each other and adjusted
their grips on their burdens, stepping down from the platform.

Smiley emerged from the office. "Well about time," he said. "Leeta
says--"

"Let's talk in your office," Julie interjected. "Kashi, can you see
about getting this all where it needs to go?"

"Where's the manifest? Ah, here...sure, I'll take care of it. You two
have a lot to discuss, to put it mildly."

A woman strode up to them, stopped, and nodded to Julie; several other
people moved up behind her, lending their presence to hers. "Captain,"
she said, "it's good to have you back. We'd nearly given up hope."

"So I was told. Sela..." he gazed at the blonde human/Romulan woman a
moment, then held out his arms and pulled her startled form against
him. She nearly tripped, catching herself around his shoulders. "Leeta
told me the Blacks are flying. Everyone doing all right so far?" he
took her shoulders and held her away from him enough to look at her.

She stammered for a good thirty seconds. There was a stunned silence
from the rest of the room; then Julie looked around and snapped "What
the bloody hell are you lot staring at? There's work to be done, isn't
there? So get off your collective dead arse and do it!"

Everybody relaxed and started moving again.

"You can brief me later, Sela," he said to her, smiling, as Kashi,
snickering, beckoned to a few of the people who had come near with the
Cloak pilot, and they gathered up cases and containers, then proceeded
to the lift. Julie patted Sela's shoulder and released her, then
turned to where the bemused Smiley was waiting up by the office doors
and headed that way.

The doors closed behind them. "Smiley. Good to see you."

Smiley eyed him a moment, then smiled slightly. "Leeta said you'd been
through a few things, over there. She wasn't exaggerating."

"We can talk about that later. Right now you have to bring me up to
speed on the situation," Julie said, heading for the desk.

"Right," Smiley said. "First, though...my condolences about Tess."

Julie nodded, deadpan. "Thank you. I'd rather not think about it at
the moment, I'm...having a little trouble concentrating as it is. From
what Leeta told me, the situation stabilized somewhat after Penthe
Seven? As far as holding against the Alliance, I mean."

"Yes; we were overconfident at Penthe, and Gods know we paid the
price. Here." Leaning over Julie's shoulder, he activated the terminal
and began bringing up data. "By the way, good job on that haul you got
out of Sisko, that Leeta brought back."

"I didn't get most of it out of Sisko; it was my counterpart. A lot of
it he and I filched."

"Explains all the medical equipment. One thing puzzled me; that great
lot of stuff Leeta insisted on taking to your quarters herself?"

"Um. That's of no moment to the cause; it's personal. I'll show it to
you later if you like."

"Hm. All right. So then, here's where we were long about the time you
left..."

---

Smiley was sitting on the brocaded monstrosity, holding a small,
clear-framed "sketch" in both hands. "Julian, I had no idea...this
looks more like Leeta than Leeta does."

"I had no idea either, really, it wasn't something I ever thought
about. Here, this stuff--" he held up a nondescript lump of pale
translucence. "It's called jademorph. I made a few things from
it...here, like this one." He pulled a replica of one of Keiko's
bonsai, glazed deep green and brown, from a padded box and set it on
the table near Smiley, who nearly dropped the sketch. Setting it down
carefully, he raised a hand to carefully trace the line of a branch.
"Gods, Julian, if you hadn't told me...I'd thought it was real for a
moment, but it's more like a tree grown from gemstone."

"Thanks."

Smiley looked up at him as Julian pulled the clay of Keiko and Kashi
from the same box; it'd been glazed pale matte gold. "Drat, I forgot
to give this to Kay. Have to nab her later--"

"All right, I think it's about time you told me what happened to you
over there. Leeta said you got medical attention of some kind, but
what could make you capable of doing *this*?" He gestured to the
faux-bonsai.

"*They* didn't exactly make me capable of doing that--only in a
sense...here." Julie paused on his way by the monstrosity and touched
Smiley's cheek briefly.

"*Julian*!" Smiley jumped half a meter. "What the devil was *that*?"

"One of many, many things you don't know about me," Julian smiled.
"And I'd like it if you did. It's no good keeping secrets from you,
not the way things stand. And I don't really need to keep them from
you any more, anyway."

---

"Bell bottom bluUUUES, don't saaay GOOD-bye...I don't wanna loose this
feelin'--(blast it, wrong size...where's the kit...When I find the
pilot who burned out this perfectly good attitude gyro...it better've
been to save her life she pulled the kind of stunts in a gravity field
you'd have to, to do *this*...)--if I could chooOOOSE a plaaaace to
die...it would be IN your ARMS...do you wanna see me CRAAWL across the
FLOOR to you...do ya wanna hear me BEG YOU TO TAKE me BAAACK, I'd
gladly do it 'cause I don't WANna FAAAADE AWAAAAY..."

"DAMN it!"

Kashi shut up, her head popping out of the access she was in on the
underside of the Black Cloak she was working on. As the voice
continued muttering somewhere in the cargo bay--one of many adapted
for use as a hanger--she scrambled out and dropped to the deck,
absently tossing the tool she held into the kit at her feet. She
emerged from between the Black and the Grey Cloak next to it, glanced
up and down the ranked ships, then followed her keener-than-human
ears.

She peered around the corner of a single-station fighter in the repair
area for same, and saw a pair of black boots sticking out of an access
panel belonging to a Blue. She approached, listening to the muttered
voice.

"Anything I can help with?" she asked as she came close.

"Blasted PLASMA injectors--"

"Well no wonder you're having trouble. You want to go through the core
maintenance access to get to those; ignore their own access, it's not
worth the effort. Unorthodox, but it works."

"If you can help, you just made a friend," said the frustrated voice,
as its owner scooted out from under the panel and held up a hand to
her. "Ezri Tegan."

"Ishikawa," Kashi said, her eyes lighting as she took the proffered
hand and bent low over it. "But call me Kashi."

Tegan smirked at her greeting slightly, then said "You know something
about Paelan raider design specs, I guess?"

Kashi slowly sank to her haunches by the semi-supine woman, meeting
her eyes and grinning slowly. "Pick my brains, babe," she invited.

Tegan slowly smiled back.

---
THIRTY:
"Back in black--hit the sack--s'been too long I'm glad to be
back..."

AC/DC
---

"Doctor. It's good to see you."

I turned from where I'd been smiling at Miles, Keiko and children
greeting each other. Garak was standing just behind me; I nearly
bumped into him. "Oh! Garak, hello. Nice of you to come meet us."

"Not at all. I'd been looking forward to your return." We turned and
started toward the habitat ring. He said nothing further; I realized
he was politely refraining from asking me how I was doing, and I
appreciated it, because I wasn't sure. It had been a blessing to be
sent out on the Defiant; sleeping in my own bed without Julie so
quickly was a trauma I wouldn't have been interested in facing. As it
was, I'd still dreamed of his hands on me, woke up to reciprocate and
nearly fallen out of the bunk, then failed to sleep another wink the
rest of any night it happened. Which was most of them.

Until just a week or two ago...when I'd realized how long it had been
since that'd occurred, I'd had to duck into the head in the med bay,
overcome with a bizarre sense of loss, which had eventually been
replaced by a sadness that rendered me uncommunicative even while I
was working. My staff was kind enough to work around me where they had
to, until I became ashamed of myself and pushed it all out of my mind
enough to be more cooperative.

"Were you planning on heading directly home, Doctor?" Garak said
finally.

"Actually..." my steps slowed, and I paused in the spoke corridor we
were traversing. He stopped close to me. "By reflex, yes, I was
heading that way..." I looked up at him. "Thank you, Elim."

He touched my shoulder briefly, saying nothing. We continued.

We walked in; I actually entered with my eyes closed after tapping in
the access code.

"Oh my," Elim said softly.

I opened my eyes. In the center of the room was a small pedestal
holding what at first appeared to be a drifting golden mist. I felt a
sudden chill grip me as a rush of the feeling I'd managed to numb
suddenly poured into me; I closed my eyes and held my breath until it
had softened somewhat. Then I opened them and approached the pedestal.

"True," Garak was murmuring. "They do have the quantum frequency
transporter technology in the Mirror universe..."

"But how did he get it here...Smiley would have needed something to
lock onto, if not the mirror of the transporter in question..." I
pushed the puzzle aside for the time, examining the sculpture.

It didn't seem to be jademorph, exactly--it was transparent, except
for the ghostly swirls of gold near the center. It might have been the
seated humanoid figure I'd seen him working on earlier, but as we came
closer I'd seen that there were two humanoid shapes, not clearly
defineable as either male or female; I reached up to touch it, trace
the lines of it--and jumped, drawing my hand back.

It had lit up very gently from within, and the colors were moving,
spreading. "Definitely not jademorph," I said softly as the colors
streamed and filled the entire shape, flowing through and blooming to
create the sculpture from themselves.

When they settled, the glow faded; we were looking at a work that
seemed to be made from amber of varying densities and depths of color.
It was Julie and me, no question...though it wasn't so much stylized
as...glorified, speaking of the universality of love as much as it did
of us. I thought of his passion for realism, and then of my request
that he try to depict his feelings and perceptions, as well as outside
reality. This was definitely a combination of both. Us together; his
feelings; his acknowledgement of the existence of love in his universe
as well as in mine. Without the colors to define and clarify it, it
seemed a more general depiction of the sensation, the encompassing
wonder, of love.

As we watched, the colors were very slowly fading again, returning to
the misty potential they'd hovered in before I touched the sculpture.
I traced a finger down the line of what I knew was Julie's back, and
the colors bloomed again.

"An extremely...personal work," Garak said quietly. "And quite
beautiful."

"He's telling me something," I said quietly. "That whenever I think of
us, remember us, it will be as real as it ever was..." I sank to the
floor next to the pedestal, laying my forearm across it and resting my
head there.

"Would you like to be alone, Doctor?" Garak asked quietly.

"No, Elim," I sighed. "Not yet, please." I held my hand up to him, and
he took it and went to one knee next to me, lowering himself to the
floor at my side.

After a few minutes, I let go of his hand and shifted position a
little, moving closer to him, putting my hands on his shoulders. He
gazed at me a moment, gauging my expression, I suppose; then he turned
a little more toward me, so that I could slide an arm around his neck
and rest my head on his shoulder. I closed my eyes.

---

As I emerged from the lab the afternoon of the following day, a silver
blur whizzed past my face and chinnnged off a transparent partition,
causing me to leap back a pace.

"Sorry, Julian," Ezri said, scuttling up to retrieve the item, which I
had seen, as it sprinted across the carpet on its points, finally
slowing and falling over, was one of Kashi's stars. "I was just
keeping myself entertained while I waited for you."

"Did Kashi give you any actual lessons with those, or are you winging
it?" I asked. "That was awfully close."

"I didn't see you coming; I'll be more careful. Come on, let's get to
the replimat, I'm starved." She tucked the star into the collar of her
uniform, outside the t-shirt collar.

"So how did everything go back here from your end?" I asked. "My files
are a disaster, as usual."

"No worse than usual for me. I've spent all day reviewing my case
files and the session notes from Telnori and the other counselors.
This isn't what you could call an ideal situation for me; I go out on
the Defiant and the continuity of my patient's sessions gets all
messed up--both of us, me and the patients, are forced to start over
in some areas. *They* have to do it twice, once with the stand-in
therapist and then again with me when I get back. At least your
patients don't mind if it's Dr. Guirani or someone who fixes them
up--a broken limb or a bad gall bladder, along with a decent medical
history, pretty much speak for themselves."

"You'd be surprised. You know how particular some people are about
their doctors; both my staff and I have to endure the occasional dirty
look from someone who wanted 'Dr. *Bashir*, blast it, because he's the
one who treated me last time.'"

"There is that." We procured trays and found a table.

"Perhaps you should have stayed here," I offered. "Most of the time,
you do have the choice."

"You know why I didn't," she sighed.

"Yes, you've been nearly as quiet as I have," I said in sympathy. "How
are you holding up?"

"Oh, well enough. I miss Kashi, but it never occurred to us that we
were cut out to be together the rest of our lives. Kashi won't be
settling down for a while, with me or anyone else. But stars..." she
chuckled softly. "I've never been quite so thoroughly swept off my
feet."

"Or so literally, I'd imagine." We both smiled. I continued "I've been
avoiding you just a bit, these last weeks..."

"I noticed."

"There's something I have to say to you, and I really hate it."

"I think I know what it is, Julian..."

"I figured you might, that's why I was avoiding you--that you know is
the part I hate."

"If it makes you feel any better, there isn't a human alive who gets
to be your age who hasn't been swept away by some passion, for another
person or for something else. Enough to lose perspective completely."

"Yes, but I seem to do it on a regular basis..."

"Think of it as not having lost your sense of wonder. If you can hang
onto that all your life, it'll be well worth the occasional spell of
being blinded by the stars in your eyes...when did you realize? That
things turned out for the best, I mean."

"I'm not sure. You know that some part of me knew it all along--you
tried to tell me almost at once when I explained to you what we
planned. I don't know how long it took for that part to finally
overwhelm the part that..." I was surprised to find myself feeling a
little teary. It wasn't hard to suppress it, though, so that I could
talk. "...the part that honestly loves him more than anything it's
ever encountered, that couldn't face losing him, after so many other
losses. The part that wouldn't listen to reason, not from Julie, you,
not even from me. You were right. I was closing my eyes and jumping,
because with my eyes open I'd never have taken that leap."

"Everyone that knows about it understands, Julian. It's part of your
idealistic nature. But you've had to accept any number of times in the
last few years that reality bites, and justice, the idea of fairness,
is largely sentient manufacture--to make it easier for us all to live
with each other."

"I told Miles..."

"I know. He said so, when he asked me to leave you alone. He offered
me his shoulder at the same time, to supplement Benjamin's, since you
were dealing with your own situation."

"Do you think I ought to have told him?"

"Yes. I think anyone as close to you as he is almost has a right to
know. He wouldn't have kept something that important from you."

"Oh, are we talking about fairness, here?"

"Stars forbid," Ezri smiled, taking a swig of raktajino.

"Ezri...if things hadn't turned out the way they did...would you
really have let me leave without speaking to me?"

She was quiet, working on her food; finally she swallowed and said
"Yes, I would have. You're my friend, Julian. I owed it to you not to
support you in something I *knew* was going to destroy you. It
would've been hard...but I would have done it."

I was quiet too. Finally I washed my current mouthful down with a sip
of raktajino and said "I understand."

"I was hoping you would," she replied softly.

---

It was a few weeks after that lunch; I'd managed to settle into my
usual routine again without too many bad moments. The sculpture I'd
moved into the bedroom; it was, as Elim had said, a very personal
work, and though it turned out it the colors wouldn't bloom to wholly
reveal it for anyone's touch but mine--a metaphor I didn't want to
think about too closely--I still felt more comfortable being able to
easily screen who saw it and who didn't. I touched it at least once
every day, and let myself think of him, of everything about him. I
knew the habit would wear thin eventually, but I didn't think it would
be soon.

That day had been particularly annoying; there was a stubborn virus
loose aboard station that didn't seem to be fatal or even particularly
serious, but it rendered its victims too dizzy and confused to be of
any real use at anything, and under our current situation we couldn't
afford that even for a moment. Unfortunately, we had no idea where it
had come from, and couldn't even seem to isolate it. Being foiled for
days now at something so simple had rendered my entire staff cranky as
colicky babies, myself no exception; I hadn't slept more than a few
hours the night before, and I was having trouble sleeping that night
too, codons and protein types and possible mutations dancing merry
circles in my mind.

I had just begun to drift off when the door signal sounded. "Blast," I
muttered, sitting up again and yanking on my robe. I strode out into
the front room, calling "Whoever you are, you'd damn well better be
dying. Come!"

The door slid open. Julie gave me a cockeyed smirk. "Should I come
back another time?"

I couldn't speak. My face went slack and I swayed into the door
lintel. "Jhh...ulp..."

"Hello to you too." He came in and let the door shut, pulling me
close.

I galvanized and latched onto him so hard he made a soft noise of
protest, which I ignored. "Julie!...oh, God..."

"My love," he whispered, and pulled back far enough to kiss me. It
went on and on, and still ended too soon.

"I'm sorry it took me so long," he said. "You wouldn't believe what's
happening on my side."

"Tell me," I said eagerly, starting to pull him toward the couch, then
decided to save time and just hauled him into the bedroom. He noticed
my change of mind and chuckled, seemed to agree with me, pulled my
robe open, and stopped. "Gad."

"What?"

"Those pajamas, if you can call them that. Did you lose a bet?"

"I told you how often I've been barged in on in the middle of the
night. It only makes sense to keep covered up, now you're
not...um...by the way, why didn't *you* beam in here?"

"Because I remember you complaining to me about how often you get
barged in on in the middle of the night. I thought I'd show you a
little more courtesy."

"You are such a horrible liar. You just wanted to see the look on my
face when the door opened."

"Well...that too." We'd been working our way through each other's
garments and now fell to the bed without further ado. Between frantic
kisses, I asked "Do you...want...mmph...to talk now, or..."

"After," he said, which was fine with me.

---

I was lying on my stomach, arms folded under my chin, while Julie
traced subtle patterns across my skin; we were facing the port,
beneath which I had set the sculpture. I would probably move it again;
it was visible from the front room and I wasn't sure if I wanted it to
be. It was too personal.

He noticed that my gaze had settled on the translucent lines of the
piece, and he murmured "You like it?"

I smiled, my eyes closing. "I like all your work, Julie, you're
unbelievably gifted...but *that* very nearly made me cry."

"That wasn't quite the reaction I was hoping for..."

I peeked up at him, smiling. "You're trying to provoke a reaction?" I
quoted him, from that conversation in his cloaked raider, which seemed
forever ago, now.

He smiled back. "Were you attracted to me even then?"

"Even then. I didn't want to admit it to myself, though. It did seem
so narcissistic, despite our differences...and you were so hurt. Plus
you seemed to honestly despise me."

"I didn't. As I've said before, some part of me loved you the minute I
saw your face--saw myself, but with so much love inside...I was
jealous of you, I wanted to be you, I wanted to be with you--I didn't
know how to feel, in more ways than one. I didn't know what I
felt...and I wasn't any good at feeling anyway. You *made* me
feel...and it hurt, Julian, I won't lie."

"I know, my love," I whispered, and took his hand, the one that wasn't
caressing my back, and held it briefly to my lips. "I hated hurting
you, but..."

"You didn't have a choice." He was quiet a moment, and then looked
back at the sculpture. "I had rather a difficult time parting with
that."

"I understand. You must be very proud of it."

He shook his head. "No, it's just...when I look at it, when I touch
it--the colors come out for me too, of course--I felt close to you.
Like we were...in the same locus of space, in one body, the way I told
you I wanted to be the first time we made love--only separated by...by
a meaningless factor of quanta, by a hypothesis. It made me feel like
you were with me."

"I am, in a way," I murmured. "Always. I *am* you. And my thoughts and
my love are with you."

"And mine are with you," he whispered back to me, lying next to me and
pulling me into his arms. "Do you still dream about me?"

"Not as much as I did...but when I do, I wake up...feeling you were
really there, rather than feeling your loss all over again. I love
dreaming about you now; it used to hurt."

"I know what you mean. The disappointment, waking up and realizing...I
barely slept at all for weeks."

"Neither did I." He was still tracing delicate patterns across me; I
sighed and burrowed closer to him, reveling in sensation.

"I'd wake up," he continued, half-whispering, "and Kay would have to
sing to me...she's still staying with me, I still need her
sometimes...it's hard to say when it will happen, that I
feel...overcome. But it's not so often any more. And when she touches
me, it...I feel it, more than I did before. I don't know...if I'll
ever feel it with anyone else as much as I do with you, not for
certain, but I'm not so afraid to feel touch as I was. I think
someday, I might be like you, making love with other people...might be
for me like it is for you."

"That's wonderful, sweetheart," I said with deep and unfeigned
sincerity, squeezing him close. "Did you want to speak with Ezri while
you're here? She'd like to know; she worries about you, too."

"Not this time; she and Kay will be keeping each other quite busy
tonight, and we have to get back before some computer glitch alerts
someone that we're here--next time, I'll see her, and I'll say hello
to Elim as well. This time is all for you, though. It's been so
long...but it won't be, until I see you again, not as long as it was
this last time, I promise."

"I believe you, love." We kissed, slow and soft.

---

The following morning--rather late the following morning--I was
sitting around at the replimat, probably radiating contentment. I'd
been trying to get the smile off my face ever since I saw Julie off;
his leaving again sobered me for a bit--I still missed him; I always
would. You simply don't get completely over someone you love as much
as I do him. But other things come into your life...and the pain
becomes something else, something not so heavy--and considerably
sweeter than the ache of loss.

"Say there," came a voice from over my shoulder. "Come here often?"

I glanced up and back, smiling. "Hello, Enkidu."

"Sorry?"

"Nothing. Sit down."

She came around me and did so in the chair next to me, setting a mug
on the table in front of her before stretching and leaning back in her
chair with a slit-eyed smile. We beamed at each other for a moment,
then broke into giggles.

"So how is Kashi?" I asked.

"She's *great*," Ezri snickered, causing us to break into a fresh
round of cackles. "No, really, she's doing wonderfully. She's a Black
Cloak pilot now, and she's on the Militia's Tactics and Strategy team
with the experienced commanders--she's been getting a fair amount of
the credit for how well the Rebellion is proceeding. Oh, and she says
she's got her Ezri addicted to Led Zeppelin--she asked me to thank you
for digging up that four-album set for her, by the way."

"No trouble at all, it was actually Miles who found it. Julie said
she's sharing a place with him?"

"Yes, and a good thing; I didn't like to think about Julie being so
alone."

"Neither did I, but as long as he's got her and Smiley..." I sighed.

She considered me. "Seeing him again tug at your heartstrings?"

"Of course it did--he and I both got a bit weepy, more than once. But
I can't tell you how much better I feel knowing that I *will* see him
again, that we won't ever have to say goodbye forever...except in the
way we were forced to say it the night Leeta came and told us about
Tess. Oh, Ezri...Gods, how long until I'm not so angry any more?"

"It's already getting better, isn't it? You wouldn't have that warm,
happy, well-attended-to energy radiating from you like that if you
were still preoccupied with your grudge against fate."

"Having been with him again is too good to let my grudge interfere,
but believe me, it's still there."

She covered my hand on the table with hers. "It'll never go away
completely, Julian. You two really were perfect together, and having
that taken away is too big a disappointment to just...get over. But
you will be able to love, and accept love from, other people,
eventually. After all, if Julie can go so far as to...Kashi says Julie
and Smiley are, um..."

"Actually 'um' is precisely how he put it at first. He probably didn't
know quite how to say it, since he may care for Smiley very much...but
it's too soon after me for him to be able to fall for someone else."

"Actually it isn't even 'after' you, yet," she said. "You two aren't
going to fall out of love any time soon just because circumstances
have separated you. But as far as Julie goes...did he happen to tell
you--well, it's not really any of my business, but I was his counselor
and I worry..."

"Would this question be something along the lines of 'is it good for
him?'"

"Yeah, that's about it."

I smiled slowly, looking away, then back up. "He says that when Kashi
and Smiley touch him...he can feel it. Not so much as with me, but
more so than with Garak. And he says he seems to feel more as time
goes on. I think he's going to be all right, Ezri. Fragile, perhaps.
But neither of us, now, have to live the rest of our lives believing
that I'm the only one who will ever bring him genuine pleasure."

Her smile flooded her features with light, just as Jadzia's most
unguarded smile used to do. "That's wonderful!"

"Isn't it?" I smiled back at her and had a sip of my redleaf.

"What's that?" She had spied the small object I was holding in my free
hand. I displayed the item on my palm. "Smiley made it for him." Light
glinted off the beveled golden edges of the little box. "That stone in
the center? Julie's got the match to that crystal. When the two of
them are in the same universe, they flash. It's to help keep us from
accidentally missing each other. Not only that..." I touched a switch
and one side of the box extended on tiny levers. "Hook that into the
transporter quantum adapter, and they can send brief messages between
universes."

"Smiley's a genius, all right."

"Well, look who he is."

"True."

"Ezri...do you think the Captain knows?"

"Knows?"

"About Julie and Kashi...about their visits here."

She pondered. "I couldn't say for certain; but I can say this--if I
thought he had no idea that *something* was still happening between
you and Julie, me and Kashi--I'd be uncomfortable as hell with this
situation, I'd feel like I was lying to him...but I don't feel that
way at all."

"Mm."

We both sipped thoughtfully for a while. Finally she sighed and got
up, stretched again, and said "I'd better get to my office or I'm
going to wind up going back to bed. You and Julie may be enhanced to
the point one sleepless night doesn't have much effect on you, but I'm
not so lucky."

"Want a nutrient supplement? It might help."

"I think I'll get along all right with tea, but thanks." She paused,
then leaned down and kissed my cheek before patting my shoulder and
heading off toward her office.

I sat there a while longer, lost in reverie, in memories, before
shaking myself and rising to start for the infirmary. Actually, as
incredibly industrious as I'd been when I still thought I'd be
vanishing from this universe, I didn't have a lot to do just at the
moment; most of my work would be day-to-day maintenance--

"Oof!"

"Steady there, Doctor...I do apologize."

"No, no, it's my fault, I was off in my head somewhere. Just
arriving?"

"Yes, it's too bad I missed you--we haven't seen much of each other
since your return from patrol duty."

"Not since you met us, no. Listen--" I caught Garak's hand in my free
one. "Would you be feeling up to a bit of chat over lunch? It occurred
to me that we've never really discussed one Shakespeare play I'm sure
you'd have a great deal to say about--Cymbeline."

"I'm not familiar with that one."

"I'll bring a copy with me." I smiled and added "I'll be fascinated to
hear your analyses of the style. It's quite a departure from
Shakespeare's usual."

"I'll be looking forward to it."

I noticed that his gaze kept wandering down to where our hands were
still joined. I hadn't been lying when I said I hadn't seen much of
him since the day we got back, and I thought I knew why; suddenly I
was entirely sure of the rightness of convincing him that he didn't
have to hide from me, that I wasn't at all unhappy about his feelings
for me.

"I've missed you, Elim," I said softly, and kissed him, quick and
gentle, and then felt my face heat a bit; I knew I must have acquired
the Bambi look, because after the initial startlement in his
expression, he smiled in a way that can only be described as gently
amused...and speculative.

"I've felt the absence of your company as well," he told me, and
squeezed my hand. "I'll see you at...thirteen hundred?"

"Thirteen hundred." I smiled, no doubt bashfully, and let him go,
hurrying toward the Promenade proper, and my work in the infirmary. On
my way, I noticed my hand still clenched tightly around the small box
full of unimaginably complex circuitry, and gazed thoughtfully at the
dormant stone a moment; then I let my fingers close over it again and
continued on.

---

The End