The BLTS Archive - Afterimage
First in the Image series
by Blue Champagne (rowan-shults@sbcglobal.net)

---

I do not own these characters or these story settings. I do own the
actions taken and the dialog spoken by these Paramount-owned
characters in these Paramount-owned settings.

This story concerns the aftermath of the DS9 episode "Hard Time" which
was not discussed in the series.

Please do not print or post this story anywhere without running this
header.

---

Julian wandered randomly around under the largest tree near the
footbridge, convincing himself yet again that he was doing the right
thing. No, Miles would never have agreed to this. But Julian had begun
to realize a couple of years ago that Miles, whether he knew it or
not--most likely not--depended on the people he was close to make
decisions of this kind for him. Keiko bore the brunt of that, of
course. But in this case...

He had just got sat down and was calming himself, breathing deeply,
when he heard the doors.

Getting up from the stream bank, he marshaled all his professional
impartiality, assuming the coolest bedside manner he'd ever worn. He
liked to project a friendly warmth to his patients, but Julian the
hologram shouldn't appear that animated.

Miles walked as far as the footbridge over the little offshoot stream
near the pool at the base of the cascade before he noticed that the
hovering form wasn't Ee'char. He stopped and said "Julian?! What are
you--oh." He looked mildly disgusted. "You must be Telnori's idea.
He's been quizzing me incessantly about Julian lately."

"Yes," Julian said, "I am Telnori's idea. The change was made on his
authority. He noticed that you weren't talking about Julian any more,
and he thought it might be helpful for you to work with me instead of
Ee'char for a few of these sessions. If you don't agree, or you don't
feel like talking about him right now, you can re-enter the program
and Ee'char will be here instead." A breeze blew Julian's loose white
shirt into ripples; he had worn casual clothing rather than uniform,
the better to appear unthreatening. "But the counselor and...Julian
both believe this is in your best interests."

"Oh, I suppose they do, damn the pair of them," Miles grumped,
proceeding across the bridge. "They could have asked me."

"They both believe you would have said no. Face it, Miles; you're much
more tractable when you're dealing with a fait accompli." Julian
smiled.

Miles gazed narrowly at him as he reached the green-dappled shade
where the doctor was. "You're very accurate. Do you know who wrote
you?"

My parents, he thought, but replied "I suppose...Julian did." Miles
sat down, leaning against the tree trunk, his gaze fixed on the small
cascade. "Well, I suppose we should get on with it. Where shall I
start? Where we left off the other day?"

The doctor said carefully, "I don't have the memories of the Ee'char
image. The idea in using me was to examine any problems you might be
having concerning Julian."

"What gives them the..." Miles trailed off, glancing away at the
grass. Then he continued determinedly, "I said I'd co-operate. I'm
co-operating. But why all this...sudden ballyhoo about Julian? I'd've
thought Keiko and Molly would be the biggest priority. Besides, why
would anybody think I have a problem with him?"

"Because you've been avoiding him, and you won't speak of him to
Telnori."

"That's entirely my--" Miles stopped, visibly calming himself. "Look.
I'm not trying to fight you. But isn't it my business who I see, who I
talk about? Do I have to justify every move I MAKE to that couple
of...to them?"

Hastily, Julian reassured him, spreading his hands conciliatorily. "Of
course not. There's no need to justify anything to anyone. They only
noticed this because Julian was very important to you for a long time,
your closest friend other than your wife. There's been a rather sudden
change, and the counselor thought it might be a helpful issue to
explore. If you don't agree, just step outside and re-enter the
program."

Miles looked up with a wry expression. "Will Julian be seeing any of
this?"

"He IS your prescribing physician; it is his business to see these
recordings if the counselor feels it'd be helpful. But in this
case...you can give Telnori whatever instructions you wish, after the
session." He felt the moral high ground thud right out from under him,
and finished "Limit viewing to Telnori or whomever else you prefer."

"Hmp," Miles hmped. He pulled at the grass a moment, then said, with a
glare, "I really wish I'd had some warning. This isn't going to be
easy."

"Is it ever easy?"

Miles smiled a dry half-smile. "No. But I want to be sure I'm getting
credit for the effort. Sit down, I don't care to be loomed over."

Julian sat, at a comfortable distance of about two meters. He folded
his hands and assumed an expression of quiet expectancy.

"You can't access the Ee'char image's memories?" Miles asked, pulling
at his lip in thought.

"No," Julian said, "the idea was that we deal with any issues you may
have concerning Julian, and he doesn't know any of what you've said to
the Ee'char image. If you like, we can arrange for him to see the--"

"No. That's quite all right." He was lost in thought a moment. "It's
just that I don't really know where to begin."

"Perhaps we could start with the reason, or reasons, you've been
avoiding Julian."

Miles stared at him, obviously at a loss. The doctor prompted him
"Just begin at the beginning."

"I don't think there is one."

"Has he made you angry?"

"Oh, no. Well, no more than usual, you know. I just...he makes me
uncomfortable." Miles seemed about to continue, but stopped, expelling
his breath silently.

"Has he ever made you uncomfortable before?"

"Yes, but not like this. Even when I thought he was nothing but an
arrogant little greenhorn, he didn't make me nervous. Irritated. Not
nervous."

"I grasp the distinction." The doctor paused, then essayed carefully
"It's hard to articulate feelings, even when we're pretty sure we know
why we're having them. This may help; just for a moment, pretend I'm
Julian. Tell me how it makes you feel to be sitting here with him, in
this context."

Miles looked up at him. Julian searched his face, looking for some
clue, sitting motionless, waiting.

"There," Miles said, and suddenly got up and turned away, leaning on
the tree trunk. "Just there. That look. I can't stand that."

"How did you feel?"

Miles struggled a moment, managed to come up with "Exposed."

"Exposed," Julian said softly. "Exposed to...?"

"To HIM. That...look on his face." Miles shuddered, rubbing him arms.

"An...attentive expression?"

"*Attentive* expression? He's got eyes like--" Miles stopped a moment
to calm down. "Like a couple of high-intensity scanner beams."

"And that expression never bothered you before the twenty years?"

"I don't know. I can't be sure. From what everyone says, I don't think
anything he did really bothered me VERY much, once I got used to his
little ways." He said the last with a note of exasperated tolerance,
and Julian smiled a little, where Miles couldn't see.

He then tried "When anyone else looks at you attentively, does it make
you feel that way? Exposed?"

Miles thought a few moments, then said "No one else but Keiko does it,
quite that same way."

"And it doesn't bother you when she does it."

"Well *hardly*. She's my WIFE. Keiko looking at me with that kind
of…feeling in her eyes is balm my soul."

"Then, when Julian shows his concern for you, asks how you're
feeling--that sort of thing...it makes you uncomfortable?"

Miles stood frozen a few seconds, then let out his breath in an
aggrieved sigh, collapsed back to sit in the grass, and buried his
head in his hands. "Oh, bloody. You psych programs just *adore* this
sort of thing."

The doctor let him be a moment, then said carefully "When... people
have been abused...when pain and fear become a way of life, as they
did for you...it is often difficult to deal with being treated more
gently. It becomes alien, difficult to understand or respond to; even
frightening." Julian didn't add that Miles had always been surprised
and disquieted when some situation or other made him realize the depth
of his attachment to Julian. Of our attachment to each other, he
amended the thought.

"Mm." Miles didn't look up.

"The question now," the doctor continued, "is what made it so much
easier for you to reacclimatize to your relationship with Keiko, which
is really a much more complex one than any friendship. Perhaps we
should try to find out what it is about Julian that makes you
feel...exposed and in danger?"

"I don't know what it is," Miles said flatly.

Julian paused, then said "I can tell you this: Julian didn't love you
any more or less before the twenty years than he does now, and he's
got the same eyes now that he did then. It isn't his feeling, or his
expression, that's changed. Something happened to change the way you
perceive his affection for you."

Miles was silent a few moments; then he said "Maybe it's...when he
looks at me, sometimes it's like he can see through me, read my
thoughts. That'd make anyone uncomfortable, wouldn't it?"

"Is that a new feeling?"

"Well...not really. There were times before, if something popped out
that I didn't intend to--I mean--" he shook his head. "Let's just say
he knows how to push my buttons. But I think sometimes he doesn't even
know he's doing it."

Julian said, very carefully, "You've talked with Telnori about the
violence you suffered."

"Yes." A dangerous monotone, offering Julian nothing.

"Do you think that could have anything to do with your feeling of
exposure? Does Julian resemble someone who hurt you? Or perhaps
there's something more subtle. A connection of memory that you can't
see immediately. Think about that for a bit."

Miles was silent so long Julian almost spoke again, but finally the
chief said "I...can't think of anything right now. Maybe I will later.
Julian doesn't look like any of the...the guards were all a lot bigger
than he is, and I usually couldn't even see their faces."

"But Julian IS bigger than Keiko. Perhaps--"

Miles shook his head, holding up his hand to stop the flow of words.
"*Everybody* is bigger than Keiko."

The doctor paused, then said "What would make it easier for you to
start seeing Julian again? One more time, pretend I'm him. What might
I do to make you more comfortable?"

"Simple. As long as he doesn't...*look* at me like that, or get too
close to me, he doesn't bother me at all. But how can I tell him that?
'Don't look at me, Julian, I hate it'?"

"Get too close to you? Do you mean physically close?"

"Yes, or any other way. There's a look he gets, and..." Miles trailed
off.

Sensing he'd better alleviate some of the pressure, Julian ventured
"Well, you were forced into physical proximity with someone for a
subjective eternity. I'm sure it's become instinctive to try to
maintain your own space."

"Yeah, but Julian can get into my space from the other side of the
room."

There was a long silence while Julian thought, and Miles stared at the
water flowing by. Miles got up and started pacing slowly, bounded by
the limits of the tree's shade. Whenever the avenues of light between
their tree and the others struck him, he halted a moment, shading his
eyes, then turned and advanced back into the green-gold dimness. "Did
I ever tell you about this place?"

"No, actually."

"Of course not, what am I--it's in Scotland. My family used to
vacation here, near some clan cousins we had. It's a well-used area,
there must've been a hundred people a week through here...but somehow,
none of them ever seemed to come through when I was here. And I never
brought anyone else here. It seems...like my place. Private." He stood
staring around, arms folded.

Knowing some sort of response was called for, Julian ventured "I know
the real Julian would be flattered to be here."

"This wasn't my idea."

"I know. But he'd still be flattered."

Miles's mouth quirked. "He *must*'ve been the one who did your specs,
the skinny little bastard."

Julian smiled, then sobered and said "I know this has been difficult
for you, but I don't think we should adjourn for the day yet. There is
something very important, something we're very close to identifying,
that I think we ought to try to reach."

Miles threw his hands in the air. "Oh, damn it, I don't KNOW why he
makes me nervous, and I don't--hell." Miles sat down again, looking
defeated.

"You were about to say you don't care."

"That's right."

"But you couldn't say it."

Miles made an acquiescent grunt.

Julian was quiet awhile. Miles leaned back in the grass, pillowing his
head on his hands, and sighed gustily.

"It's only Julian that makes you feel this way."

"Mm. Right."

Julian got half up, went over to Miles, took his arm and pulled him up
sitting. He transferred his hold to Miles's hand, then took the other
one, settling back on his heels. Miles had no trouble understanding
the point of this; he stared at their clasped hands. "Do we have to do
this?"

"I really believe it'll help. Look at me, Miles."

Miles looked up, and his gaze, at first impatient and irritated,
suddenly froze. He started to speak, stopped, and started again.
Finally, he said "Oh, for...you're not a hologram. Are you."

"Are you angry?" Julian asked quietly.

The chief carefully considered the question, then finally grumbled
"Yes, but I know you're only trying to help, obnoxious as I may be
finding it."

"What are you feeling? No, look at me. Come on."

"I'm...confused."

Julian nodded. "What's confusing you?" He waited, then prompted "What
isn't clear to you?"

"What...you mean."

"What I mean?"

"By that look. It's a hell of a look. You look like you're seeing..."

"My best friend?" Julian grinned.

Miles didn't answer the smile. He shook his head and said
"Like...Keiko."

Julian was quiet, thinking rapidly, and he let Miles drop his gaze
again, but he didn't release his grip. "Miles...this new perception of
me, it isn't either of our doing or fault. But I'm not thinking
anything I haven't always thought."

"Yeah, well, I've had the occasional moment of wondering exactly
*what* you were thinking even before Argratha."

Julian carefully did not smile. "You're married, my friend. And that
isn't what our relationship is about in any case."

"Then it HAS occurred to you?"

"Not seriously. The idea doesn't repel me, but it's out of the
question with you, anyway."

Miles pulled away from him and started to get up but Julian jumped up
too. "Miles, please! I'm not about to have to trick you into talking
to me again--"

"I CAN'T! Just let me go, damn you!"

Julian just stared at him a second, then said "It's not me. It's you.
You're the one who sees something new whenever I look at you. You're
the one who doesn't want me too close. That's what you're worried
about--what I might see. And what you might do."

Miles's face was congested, and Julian prepared to let go of his arms
rather than get blasted by the full-bore denial trying to break free.
Miles did pull away from him, but he didn't leave, and he didn't yell.
He strode over to the water and fell to his knees, thrusting both
hands into the current and throwing a double handful over his own
head.

Julian waited a moment as Miles thudded to a seat on the bank, water
trickling through his hair. Then the doctor approached, but no closer
than a couple of meters, and squatted there, hands clasped over his
knees. "Better?"

The chief nodded.

"What can I do?"

Miles shook his head. "There's nothing you can do. I'm afraid of what
I might...do to you. You're too much...like him to me. I loved him
before it was all over, just like I do you. I killed him. I told you
before, if it'd been you--He...cared for me, and I killed him."

"And...what happened before that? Am I right in believing
that...certain things went on between the two of you?"

Miles sighed, then nodded.

"Two people alone for twenty years, Miles...two things are inevitable.
And I already knew about the violence."

Miles nodded again, and they were quiet for a moment. Then Miles said,
without turning around, "You're the only one I ever thought...was
anything like as beautiful as Keiko. Actually, it was one of the
reasons you annoyed me so much at first. Men with looks like yours are
usually only too damned aware of it."

Julian smiled at the ground. "There's a part of me that's aware of it,
but not in the way you think. I look in the mirror, and I can see it,
but as soon as I turn away..."

Miles looked at him curiously as he trailed off. "You know," he said,
with some sudden awareness, "you never talk about YOUR family. Is
there a reason for that?"

Julian was still a moment, then grinned at the chief. "This isn't *my*
therapy session."

---

The End