The BLTS Archive- Breathe
by Blue Champagne (rowan-shults@sbcglobal.net)

---

This is something of a departure for me, a much darker Miles/Julian,
darker even than Graven Image, I think. It's a more straight-ahead
hurt/comfort than I've ever done, too. I discuss some of the ways
people react to trauma of this sort and this severity, things which
Miles would certainly have gone through some version of after
Argratha (which I addressed in Graven Image). In a large sense,
Julian's reaction in this story and Miles's in Graven have sibling
qualities, though superficially there's little resemblance.

I came up with this title--it was one of those just-hits-you
things--substantially before I remembered it was also the title of a
ten-year-old song by Maria McKee, formerly of Lone Justice. (That
woman knows how to write a song.) I remembered I'd liked the song--so
much so I sang it as an a capella piece for a while, with certain
modifications--and so went and dug around in my vinyl until I found
the album. The lyrics are so appropriate to this particular story,
from either Miles's or Julian's point of view--thei first verse more
Julian, the chorus more Miles--I decided to tell them here, but this
isn't a song story by any stretch of the imagination, and the word
"Breathe" carries a different contextual connotation in the story
than it does in the song.

---
At first I was scared, when I opened up my head,

and the motor that was running was the mind of you;

I was scared when I looked at my reflection, and the shine I saw

were the eyes of you.

I was scared when you touched my lips, and the breath I took

was a breath that shook me with a shock--like a flame

as eternal as a song,

and the song is you, and--

(Chorus)

I will let you breathe through me...I will let you be with me.

Whenever I'm alone, and you're lost out there,

I can feel you breathe, 'cause our lungs we share;

When I'm alone, anytime, anywhere--I can feel your heartbeat

'cause our blood we share.

I was scared when you came into my room; the walls became the sea,

your voice was the moon;

oh, when you rocked me in your arms, like a song, a wave

on the tide of you and I

I will let you breathe through me...I will let you be with me.

(Double melody line)

I was scared when you came into my room

(My heart beats your blood, your breath fills my lungs)

the walls became the sea, your voice was the moon

(your heart beats my blood, my breath fills your lungs)

Oh, when you rocked me in your arms...

Be with me;

I will let you breathe through me--

I will let you...I will let you...
---

I couldn't fathom what in God's name could've driven him to try it.

For that matter, I don't know what possessed me to think I could save
him, but give me this; I did save him, and he didn't come out quite
on top of his own agenda, though it turned out there was no way he
could have. No one knew that for sure then, of course.

He didn't recognize me in full blast armor--hell, he'd hardly have
recognized his own mother in her birthday suit. I had a few burns,
and I was going to be part blind in one eye until I could get back to
the station and the infirmary, but I'd had worse retinal burn and got
the sight back with no problem. There wasn't a mark on him; but I
knew beyond a shadow of a doubt he was a lot more likely to die of
this experience than I was, assuming I got the two of us out of here
alive to begin with.

I started unstrapping him. "It's going to be all right now, Julian,
I'm getting you out of here. I've got a ship in orbit and we're the
only ones left al--"

One of the Cardassians at the control console moved. I shot him
again. He was still.

"--and we're the only ones left alive here." And I'd thought I was
done with having to be a one-man commando force. Never thought I'd be
so glad for memories of Setlik III; they kept me from becoming
suicidal over the level of carnage I'd brought about. The look on the
perimeter guards' faces when I blew through the base's shield and
knocked out its generator with a shoulder-mounted phaser cannon
wasn't any worse than the older memories.

Of course, if I weren't an engineer, too, I'd never have made it. Had
to figure what frequency to tune that cannon to, for example, had to
be able to fool orbital sentries and such. It took as much technical
know-how as military strategy to get this far. While I hadn't lied to
Julian exactly, there *were* still Cardassians alive in the area,
even if not within the base itself, but I'd put together a scrambler
that *ought* to help mask our lifesigns; no guarantees, of course.

It was damn cold out there and I hated taking him into it naked as he
was, but we couldn't beam through these military base walls, or I'd
just have beamed him out when I took the shield down. I pulled my
helmet off so he'd at least know who I was--assuming he was still
capable of believing his own eyes, which it turned out he wasn't, at
least not right then--and told him again "It's me, Miles. We're
getting out of here. Can you hold on to me?"

He was motionless, glaze-eyed.

"Right," I said, and picked him up, angling to get his head on my
shoulder. I got us out of the building as quick as I could without
losing my grip on him. He wasn't heavy--never has been, and weighed
even less now--but he was awkward. I had a bit of trouble with the
doorways. When we were clear--no sign of trouble yet--I sank to the
ground with him so I could use one hand to touch my badge twice. We
dematerialized.

All I really wanted to do was hold him like that until he spoke, or
looked at me, or made *some* sort of response, but I had to get us
the hell out of Cardassian space before we both wound up right back
where he'd been a minute ago. The best I could do for the moment was
give over a few seconds to clean him up, get one of the blue
coveralls from supplies and pull it onto him, then get him into a
bunk and cover him up. Then I squeezed his shoulder. "We're going
home. You're going to be fine. I'll be in the pilot cabin. You
just..." just keep doing what you're doing, as though there's any
chance of your doing anything else. "...just try to relax."

I got us on our way at maximum warp, and had all the external sensors
stretched to the beams--I'd augmented them myself for this little
venture.

I didn't know, as I said, what the hell got hold of him. He'd been
around a bit now, wasn't the green idiot I'd first met, and still
somehow he must have thought he'd be immune--or thought he knew
enough not to get caught--but he *knows* he's a doctor, not a bloody
intelligence agent. Did he think he could *talk* them around? Surely
not, he wasn't that blind. For God's sake, *Garak* knew better than
to try this and the woman was *his* friend, not Julian's, he'd never
met her. I thought maybe he'd got cocky after having recently escaped
the Dominion Prison he and Worf had been in; wouldn't be at all out
of character for that simpleheaded arrogant little...sorry.

Julian did care about Garak, in spite of everything; and Julian's a
healer and a would-be hero, worst combination for survival I can
think of. Maybe he simply couldn't stand to see his friend hurting
any more than he already did. But this *still* beggared the
imagination.

Garak gave me the information I needed to find him, though it took
some serious persuading on my part. Thank God he hadn't already taken
what he knew and gone to the Captain, as he was planning--since
Julian, to any sane observation, was lost to us. Garak was obviously
grieving for Julian now as well as what-was-her-name, Mila, but it
still took over an hour of us screaming at each other before he'd
tell me what I needed to know.

I told him *somebody* had to clean this mess up after he'd let the
little idiot get his hands on the particular piece of intelligence
that'd come to Garak. Garak said there was no point throwing another
life after the first when the first was a lost cause. I asked when
the hell he'd developed a problem with tossing lives about like
confetti, and what it was to him if I got myself killed. He said I'd
been Julian's friend, and Julian wouldn't have wanted me to abandon
my family to go after him when there was no hope of retrieving
him--fat lot Garak ought to care about *that*.

But then, naturally, when I'd finally convinced him to tell me what
he knew, he added the condition that he come with me. I made a big
show of reluctance and finally said yes...then I snuck off without
him. If I didn't make it, he'd still be around to make another try,
and he'd be no use to me as camouflage; he was too well known, and
there'd be no getting to Julian by stealth, not where he was.

With the weaponry and equipment I filled the Orinoco with, I could
have waged war against an entire primitive-warp-capability
civilization. My clearance and access codes were going to be revoked
so hard after this I'd likely have trouble getting my own tool locker
open. I could only be thankful that there isn't that much of anywhere
to bust a petit officer *to*; regardless of what pin I wore on my
collar, I'd still be doing basically the same job.

Garak'd been right, of course. Julian was a fool and I was a worse
fool to follow him. Likely the only reason Garak didn't follow *me*
was the runabouts, and damn near everything else, were probably all
guarded after I made it out. And I'm likely the only one on the
station--besides the Captain--who could still have got out under
those circumstances, though if there *were* anyone else, it'd likely
be him.

I did know what they'd do to him if they caught him trying to free a
political prisoner, an enemy of the state--that would make him one,
too. If he'd been on a sanctioned mission, the Accords could have
protected him from some of it, or maybe not, depending on who
specifically had charge of him; but he sure as hell had no one's
permission, Fleet wouldn't own to him, so the accords wouldn't cover
him.

The Cardassians hadn't done their worst to me--not all of it--because
the political climate was a hell of a lot different when they and my
good mate from the Rutledge tried to frame me, and I think they were
trying to make some show of benevolence and sorrow about the whole
thing then. No, me they'd just have killed. Julian they made into an
example first, since he wasn't good for anything else to them. If the
Dominion had had him directly, I likely wouldn't have gone for him.
The Dominion usually doesn't abuse prisoners, at least not severely.
But I knew what the Cardassians themselves were capable of, and it
was Dukat's people who had Mila.

"You make a damn lousy Fianna, Julian," I muttered as I set the
scanners up with audio alarms.

There was a sound behind me; a ragged breath.

I turned around. He was in the doorway, leaning on the edge, his eyes
unfocused. "Julian," I said in exasperated concern, "you need to be
lying do--" I reached him and he put his arms around my neck and
leaned his weight into me. I took it, supporting him around the
waist. I started trying to get him back into the rear cabin, but he
locked an arm around my neck such that I got the feeling that even if
I did get him back there, he wasn't going to let go. He was weak, it
wouldn't have been hard to pull him off, but..."Don't want to close
your eyes?" I asked him in sympathy.

He was still, saying nothing.

"Come on, then." I helped him over to the copilot's chair and got him
settled. "There you go--um--Julian, let go, I've got to see about
these damn burns, and get you something for the pain as well."

That seemed to sink in, after a moment; he let his arms go slack and
I lowered them to his lap before making a brief stop at the med unit,
where I settled for killing the pain and disinfecting the wounds,
sealing them with an emergency bandaging spray I remember well from
the wars. Stuff still works like a charm. Pity I couldn't do anything
about the eye; the stars and sparks flashing all over the left side
of my field of vision was bloody distracting.

I went back up front with a hypo and injected Julian carefully. I was
afraid to give him anything too strong for fear it would make him
worse--his breathing, the way his nervous system is put together,
anything they might have done to his head--I had no way to diagnose
exactly what had been done to him, and he was obviously no help. But
in any case, he didn't seem to notice the injection.

I sank into the pilot's chair and just breathed a moment. God, I was
tired. I'd been up nearly two days and my brain had been running at
terminal velocity for about four, worst this last half-day. I knew I
should be planning what I was going to say in defense of my actions
when we got back, but at the moment I couldn't think clearly enough
to work on a strategy of defense. It was looking like Julian wasn't
going to have to worry about defending himself for a while; you can't
court-martial a man who's cataleptic, and in any case, after what had
happened to him, it wasn't likely there'd be any actual sentence
carried out against him. His record would suffer. That would probably
be all. Judicial does have some sense of real justice. It would go a
long way in my favor that I'd succeeded, assuming we got home without
being intercepted and hauled back. But in a way, that worked against
me, too. I'd succeeded at what had been, for all practical purposes,
a suicide mission; but that it had been practically a suicide mission
should have stopped me from going to begin with. (Without
authorization, anyway, it's all right to kill yourself if it's a
sanctioned mission.) They'd be able to see that I'd plainly needed as
much luck as skill to pull this off.

As I went about what business was left to take care of, Julian sat
perfectly still, legs curled up and feet tucked in, arms wrapped
around himself, but he wasn't hugging himself; there was almost no
tension in his body anywhere but what was required to keep him from
falling out of the chair. His head lay against the rest, and his eyes
were empty. I noticed that when I got up to do something, they'd
follow me until I sat again. They glittered like the undead. I was
scared to death for him, but I had to get us out of here before I
could take time to worry.

Finally I leaned over and touched his arm. "Julian. Can you look at
me? Say something? Anything at all. I know it's hard, I know what
they did to you to make it hard. But try, please."

He did lift his other hand and put it over mine where I was touching
him. Just holding my hand, not pulling it off or scraping at it.
"That's something," I sighed. "You know I'm here. You know I'll look
after you? If it comes to it...one way or another, they won't get to
you again. To either of us." I hadn't known that was true until I
said it, but I knew we'd both be dead before they touched him again.

Now that we were on our way back, with nothing to do but follow the
course I'd set up to avoid the highest-risk areas, and keep watch, I
had time to start feeling my blood boil at the sight of him. Doing
that kind of thing to someone like me is more than enough reason to
be sent to hell with all dispatch; doing it to someone like
Julian--there's nothing, in this world or any other, bad enough to do
to such bastards. I'd killed the ones directly responsible, but that
was more mercy than they'd shown Julian.

I got up and went to one knee by him, taking his hands. "Julian,
you'll be taken care of. I know what you feel like right now, at
least partly. You don't even want to live. You want your entire
memory wiped, you want to be pulled out of that body that's betrayed
you so badly and never look at it again. But you *can* be helped. It
won't always be this way. Believe me, I know. Trust me, Julian,
someday it *is* going to be all right again."

He focused his eyes on me and tried to talk. I looked as expectant
and attentive as I could manage. When he did speak, there was no real
voice in it at all; I mostly had to read his lips.

"You came for me."

"I bloody well did. Think I'd leave you in a place like that?"

He regarded me for a moment, then slid out of the chair, pretty much
into my lap. I gave in to the impulse I'd had earlier and folded him
up close, stroking his back. "It's all right now, shh...we're going
home...I won't let anything else happen to you." The only reason I
might not feel equal to making that promise was Julian's own attempts
to throw himself in harm's way, but I didn't think he'd be trying
that again for a long time.

I felt for his larynx; it was intact. Sometimes they crush them so
you can't scream even if you want to. I wondered if he'd screamed his
voice gone. "Poor love," I whispered to him. "It's going to be all
right now, don't try to think...just breathe..."

---

I woke up, hard as a rock.

Not unusual lately. His back was against my chest; he had his arms
wrapped over mine around his waist. I inched a little away from him,
but he was sleeping like the dead, I needn't have worried. He slept
at least all right, unless I wasn't there.

Right, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I requested clearance and got it for pad C; we had quite a welcoming
committee by the time the lock extended and we came through, me about
half-carrying Julian. He hadn't said anything else through the rest
of the trip, and I didn't push him.

Keiko had thrown her arms around me already before she managed to
notice Julian; she backed off a bit, her eyes huge. I nearly drowned
in guilt when I saw her.

The Captain was there too, of course, plus Odo and a couple of his
deputies, and the med team I'd requested, who immediately moved to
take charge of Julian.

He screamed.

I was so startled I nearly dropped him. The med team reacted pretty
much the same way, snatching their hands back as if burned. Julian
locked on around my neck again, shaking.

"Sir," I said, "looks rather like you'll have to wait a bit to take
me into custody. I've got a retina burned out, too. Come on, Julian;
we've got to get to the infirmary."

If that display had been faked--it hadn't--I'd have thanked him for
it. By the time we got to the infirmary, it was obvious Sisko's
tirade had been gutted, possibly destroyed completely, at the sight
of what had happened to Julian, what I'd got him out of. Oh, Sisko
still knew I was wrong to have done what I'd done, and I knew there'd
be the price to pay...but at the least, he couldn't bring himself to
tear me apart personally now.

Keiko was another matter. When she got over her relief, I was going
to have some explaining to do. She did deserve an explanation...and I
didn't have one to give her. "Honey, it's not that I don't love you
and the kids more than anything. I just *had* to make a suicide run
after Julian." Fat lot of help, O'Brien. She wouldn't buy it and I
wouldn't either, if I were her. The fact that it was true was
irrelevant.

They had a hell of a time getting Julian to let go of me. Well, they
never did quite manage it, because he wouldn't let anyone touch him
but me, so I just held him and patted him until one of the nurses got
him in the neck from behind with a hypospray. He sagged and I let him
down gently to the biobed. Someone grabbed me and hauled me to the
next bed over; I climbed up as the man started scanning my burns.
"Left eye's out, too, flash shock overloaded my helmet filter. Will
he be all right?" I knew there was no way they could give me a cogent
answer yet.

"That's what we're trying to find out..." The doctor, a woman whose
name I didn't recall--wait, Guirani, that was it--was examining the
bed's readouts. "Serious nervous system damage," she said tightly.
"Another few hours and several of his autonomic systems would have
failed. He'd have died."

"Not soon enough," I growled, so low I don't think anyone else heard
it. "Can you treat him?"

"Yes, if we start now. I think we can even repair the cerebral damage
with blank tissue grafts. His brain will have to learn to route
around the missing information, but it doesn't look like the problem
will be severe."

I'd gone cold. "Missing information?"

"It's all right, Chief, he hasn't *lost* anything but, as I said,
some routing information. His brain will just have to reset itself to
accessing information through different neural pathways. He's not
missing anything, so much as what he has always had having been
slightly disrupted. He *will* be as good as new, I can tell you
that--in that respect, at least. It's too soon to tell yet
about...other things."

Ominous as that last part sounded, I still sighed in relief, as did a
number of other people.

---

As Keiko and I came out of the Captain's office, Dax and Kira zipped
on up, the question writ large on their faces.

"About what I'd expected," I shrugged. "Or maybe a little better.
Rather than pressing charges immediately, he's going to start an
inquiry into the matter. He said I had Julian to thank for that,
since he's obviously going to need me around for at least a while.
The Captain can't fault our loyalty to each other but he can fault
our absolute rotting lack of judgment, our habit of asking the cat
for permission and taking off, et cetera."

"You're right, it could have been a lot worse," Dax sighed. "If
Benjamin didn't respect you so much, and if he weren't so grateful to
you for getting Julian back, it *would* have been a lot worse."

"I can only imagine," I muttered.

"You'll come out on top of this," Kira told me, laying a hand on my
shoulder. "They can't hang you for saving Julian's life."

"No, but they can hang me for being AWOL and stealing a runabout," I
pointed out, "and possibly bringing retaliatory strikes from the
Dominion for making a raid on--"

"Hah," Kira snorted. "Do you think the *Cardassians* of all people
are going to admit that a single human took out the entire Alur Six
base?"

"Nerys, there were only forty-two people on the entire planet, and
only eighteen at the base proper."

"You say that like it's nothing," Dax said wonderingly, shaking her
head.

"He's the hero of Setlik III, all right," Kira said approvingly. I
suppose I couldn't blame her much. I'd felt just the same for a lot
of years.

"In any case," I said, "they wouldn't have to say it was only one
human; all they'd have to do would be find evidence of Federation
involvement. It's not like I showed up in a Galor-class cruiser. If
they did manage to latch onto my energy signature--though I saw no
sign they did--they'll know who did it. Besides, the only prisoner
who was taken..."

"Was what they'll no doubt call a Federation spy," Jadzia nodded.
"Okay, you may have a problem. But in the face of the--"

"We can talk about it later," Kira broke in. "I'm sure the Chief
would like to be alone with Keiko."

"Oh. Of course," Dax said, backing off quickly. They both gave me
supportive smiles before returning to their business.

I took Keiko's hand. "Let's go home, darlin'."

---

The door closed behind us. "Keiko, I know what you're going to--"

"What did they do to him, Miles?" She was staring at me, hollow-eyed.
I pulled up short, confused.

"Sorry, love?"

"Why is he like that? What did they do to him?"

I sighed and gestured her toward the sofa, coming along. "They
have...several devices..." God, I didn't want to explain this to
Keiko, no more than I'd have tried to explain it to Molly. "He was an
enemy of the State, and no doubt they convicted him for espionage as
well. The penalty for that is death. Exactly how you die depends on
the circumstances."

"What circumstances?"

"The exact nature of your crime, for one thing. Julian was trying to
free a personal enemy of Gul Dukat. You can believe they made an
example of him. Might not've if the Vorta had got wind of it--they'd
likely allow him to be executed, but not tortured to death."

"What could...Miles, will he be all right? Will he be able to
practice? Will he be--"

"Hold on, hold on...I know, he looks bad. I'm scared too, love. But
Guirani says there'll be no permanent physical damage, and you can
believe her. The Cardies--sorry, reflex--they have all sorts of
methods of interrogation, discipline, whatever they want to call it
in a given situation. Julian they gave one of the worst, but least
physically damaging. Oh, it'd've killed him all right if it'd gone
on, and maybe there's no justice in going through that hell and
having no visible scars. On the body, at least. There's no justice in
it anyway, but...I'm betting he'll pull out of this. He'll get the
best help available, you know the Captain will see to that. So will
his staff. They adore him, you know."

"Most people do, if they can stand him at all," she said quietly.
"You think he...he trusts you because you're the one who saved him?"

"I can't think of another reason. I showed up when it had got to the
worst and blew hell out of the devils doing it to him, then brought
him home. That'll make an impression on a person."

She was quiet, then looked up at me; I lifted her into my lap and we
sat there a moment.

Finally she said "You should be there when he wakes up."

---

Would I have fallen in love with the real Julian?

No, I think I can say with some authority I wouldn't. Never crossed
my mind. Never crossed his either. Well, I don't think it did. He has
made a couple of strange comments, but then I've said some things
myself that could be taken that way. Pretty much said I loved him a
couple of times, which I did. But this?

And it's not as though what he became for a while wasn't really him.
It was just him under that godawful unbelievable trauma.

But he was so *raw*. The way we normally are to each other, the
in-jokes, the affection we show by insulting each other, our whole
repartee, out the airlock. Shot to hell. He was just...just him, no
window dressing. It was like consistently being somewhere at night,
then showing up in the daytime and not recognizing anything, though
you *know* you've been to the place hundreds of times. It's all the
same, but none of it *looks* the same. But every few minutes you'll
recognize something you've been staring at, and it jumps into focus.

And he *needed* me so damned much. I'll never forget the chill that
hit me when I realized I wanted him to need me. I felt lower than
slime, who would wish that on anyone? I tried to tell myself that it
was only that I wanted to keep this closeness to him, I didn't want
to have to distance myself from him again, the way we've always been,
even as we've been close. But the motives don't really matter, when
you get down to it, and neither did what I wanted. We hadn't any of
us much choice.

I was there when he woke up, and a good thing. I saw him move his
hands, realize he was lying on some kind of table--

I have never seen anyone move so fast in my life. No one human, at
any rate. It was a good thing I was between him and the door; when he
tried to brush past me I grabbed him. The technicians and the nurse
were mobilizing, but I held them off with a look. "Julian! You're on
the station!"

He hung there in my hands a moment, panting, eyes huge, then relaxed
somewhat and looked around him.

"There, see? The infirmary. Home sweet home. You're going to be fine.
Come on now, let your people look you over, right lad?"

He let me lead him back to the table and help him up. Now that
whatever had galvanized him like that was gone, he was shaky. He
wouldn't let go of my hand, so I just let him hold it and tried to
keep out of the way. I didn't want to let go of him, anyway.

"Judging by that performance, Doctor," a nurse I didn't know by name
was saying, "we don't even need to run the checks...lie down, now--"
she touched his shoulder and he punched her in the chest, knocking
her to the floor.

"JULIAN!" He instantly turned his head to look at me, expressionless,
wary. He was still holding my hand.

"She's not going to hurt you," I managed to calm down enough to
reassure him. The nurse was coughing and holding one breast, but
someone had helped her up and she was standing on her own. I sighed.
"Do you have to touch him to run these checks?"

"No," said Doctor Guirani, running a scanner over the nurse. "You're
bruised. Give yourself ten of aerisalin and run a vascular
regenerator over your sternum and clavicle and the thoracic rib you
can feel throbbing. Maybe over that breast, too. All right, Doctor
Bashir--no touching. Stipulated. Would you lie down now?"

He just looked at her.

"I'm *really* not liking this," Nurse Luma worried.

"Come on, Julian, " I enjoined him softly. He looked back at me, then
lay down.

"Mm," Guirani said after a moment. "Looks good. As I said, the damage
was severe but direct, no messy complications. Regeneration seems to
have come off without a hitch, especially, like Findchaem said, in
light of that spectacular display of coordination we witnessed a
moment ago. Here." She turned away to a tray, then turned back and
handed me a small flattish round object. "That's a cortical monitor.
We can keep an eye on his CSN functions from a distance with it.
Would you attach it to his parietal bone? Here." She showed me on her
own head, and I did as she said.

"I'd like to send him home with you, for the time being, Chief. He's
completely unresponsive to anyone else. There's no physical reason he
can't talk, but as you can see, he won't."

"He spoke to me in the runabout."

"Really? Extensively?"

"No, only a few words. It was just after I'd got him there.
He...whispered."

"Strange. In any event, I'd rather not sedate him again; we can't be
completely sure of our repairs until we observe them working a while,
which we can't do, comprehensively at least, if we keep him
unconscious. Also, his cortical nerve pathways won't have a chance to
get resettled if we keep interfering with his normal brainwave
activity, and he'll be somewhat disoriented until that happens. I
think he'll feel better more quickly if he's not surrounded by so
many people."

"Doctor..." I tugged a few times and managed to get Julian to let go
of me, then I gestured to Guirani to move away from him a little,
though I kept my eye on him. Everyone else was giving him a wide
berth. "How many abuse victims have you treated?"

"A fair number. I can see what was done to him, Chief. I know how
badly it must have hurt him."

"Not necessarily. They wouldn't have done it fast, and they wouldn't
have done it without a great deal of showmanship. Maybe days' worth.
Cardassian trials and executions are conducted with an eye toward the
entire population watching. If they don't take place on Cardassia,
they're recorded and rebroadcast. Oh, not all of them, but one like
this for damn sure; as I've said, they were making an example of him.
God only knows what they've made him believe; they'd have been
working on his mind from the beginning, trying to get a confession
out of him to record and show the population back home, they nearly
always try that, and they don't give up easily. I'm willing to bet he
doesn't think any of you are real, that all this is just another
trick, another part of the...the proceedings."

She frowned. "That would explain his behavior. You know Cardassian
society well, Chief?"

"Certain selected parts of it, yes, I do."

"I wonder why he responds to you, if this is all true. Wouldn't you
be just another part of the trick?"

"I don't know. The things they do to you, it's not impossible to wind
up believing completely contradictory things. In fact, that's one of
their biggest weapons to break prisoners--an old technique, but
effective. He may believe I'm real, or he may be playing a game of
his own, to--as he thinks--fool his captors. In any case, Doctor, can
I suggest--if you're going to be handling his case--that you brush up
on all the relevences?"

"I'll take that in the spirit it's intended and just say that I was
planning on it, Chief. You don't mind looking after him, do you?"

"Of course not. I'll take him back to his place and stay with him
there."

---

Keiko was more than for the idea. I think she might have been more
frightened for him than I was. We arranged how I'd handle visits with
Molly and Yoshi--Keiko would bring them, I'd stay at Julian's.

It was pretty dicey the first couple of days. He didn't talk until
the third night. Evidently his trust of me either didn't extend to
eating, or he wasn't hungry. I had to have Guirani send someone by
with hypo-deliverable supplements for him. He'd just look at the
food, and then look up at me. And then he'd just sit. And I'd give up
and give him another shot and let him leave the table. It was getting
to where his face consisted of just cheekbones and eyes, eyes big as
dinner plates. He *would* drink water, for some reason.

He wasn't incoherent, or any such thing. He did look at me,
sometimes, and responded to what I said. He looked after his own
person--almost seemed amused when I asked if he was going to need
help in that department, but he still wouldn't answer me in words. If
I hadn't known, I might've thought he was just in one of his blue
moods. Except he's usually angrier then.

He did talk, actually, but only in his sleep, and I never heard much
of it. He was usually to the screaming stage by the time I got to
him; I was sleeping on his couch. A lot of what he screamed was my
name. The more I let him swarm on me the faster he relaxed, me
telling him to just breathe, it's all right, I'm right here...it took
me the better part of an hour, usually, to get him down again. And a
few minutes after that to get his arms unclenched from me without
waking him. Readjusting cortical whatever or not, I'd've killed to be
able to give him a sedative. I didn't like to think what he must be
dreaming, even when he was quiet.

The morning after the second night, I woke up and realized I'd slept
through. Found out why when I got up and fell to the carpet, having
tripped over Julian, who was sleeping in the floor next to the couch
until I'd stepped on him. He woke, and looked at me and sat up, then
went into the bath to shower and dress. When he came out, he spent
the day curled in a chair, staring out the ports.

That night, something woke me; he was back. I got him up and took him
back in the bedroom, and got in bed with him. I spooned him up
against me and he slept like a lamb. I was up half the night,
thinking. Or letting my thoughts chase themselves, anyway.

"Miles," I heard, some time after I did fall asleep.

"Yeah." I wasn't awake yet.

"Are you awake?"

"Sure."

"You are real, aren't you?"

"Hm?" I blinked and it all flooded back. I took stock of where I was;
Julian had turned over to face me and put his arms around me. I slept
regularly with someone who did that a lot, and I'd automatically
embraced him too. His head was resting on my chest. "Julian?"

"Aren't you?" He lifted his head and looked at me.

"Yes," I told him in a rush of relief, squeezing him close. I kissed
his forehead. I felt a little stupid for it, but I couldn't have
helped it. "Yes, I am! It's all real. You're home--"

"The base...bombs, cannons..."

"Er..." I shifted a little nervously. "Yes, that was me."

"But the runabout...where were...what happened to everyone else?"

"There was no everyone else. I didn't have any more permission for
what I did than you for what you did."

He was quiet a moment, then said softly "You came alone?"

"Yes, the more fool I."

I felt him shiver and rubbed my hand along his spine. He whispered
"Did you kill them all?"

"Inside the base. I killed at least eighteen of them. Maybe more." I
would have killed that many again to save him. I didn't like myself
much for it, but there it was.

He seemed to consider, then laid his head back down against me and
said "Good." Which was so incredibly out of his character to say that
I felt like crying.

I stroked his hair and closed my eyes, not having the least idea what
to make of it. But I hoped desperately that it would be any time,
now, he'd start improving...and he felt good in my arms; he was here,
he was alive. Surely he'd be all right.

---

Turned out Guirani and I made too much of it. He was back to
screaming again the following night, but I'd had the sense to be in
with him, so it was over quick.

That morning I'd called Guirani and told her Julian was talking to
me. We'd been waiting for this; she was going to send Counselor
Telnori over for an evaluation as soon as Julian was a bit more
responsive. We'd been keeping him from contact the last four days,
until he could speak. I mentioned Telnori's coming visit to Julian.

He looked at me, eyes enormous under those heavy dark brows.

"It's all right, isn't it?" I asked him.

He breathed a few times and said "If you say so." His voice was soft,
had been ever since he first spoke. There wasn't much inflection to
it. It was as though he were avoiding committing himself to a
specific personality, his own or any other.

He'd been sort of following me around all morning. Oh, not like a
kitten on your heel, but wherever I'd light, he'd light somewhere
near until I moved. Then he'd move again too, after a moment, closer
to me.

I'd asked him, once, if he believed me, believed in the station, in
where he was. In the other people here. He looked at me as though I
were simple. No--more as though I'd suddenly done something
inexplicable, maybe a little upsetting, and he was trying to
understand. "Yes," he said, but his eyes were distant when he said
it. Sometimes I'd say something to him, and they'd go distant like
that. He gave me the right responses, but they seemed a bit rote.

Telnori arrived at fourteen hundred. He greeted us both and he and I
exchanged some chitchat, and he went and sat down across from Julian,
saying *not* something ridiculous like 'how do you feel'. "Getting
any sleep?" were his first words.

Julian nodded. "Some."

I made to fade into the bedroom and let them get on with things.

Julian, quite as though it were the most natural thing in the world,
got up and followed me.

"Whoa, wait a moment--" I laid my hands on his shoulders in the
doorway. Telnori had got up too, but he didn't come too close. "Would
you rather the Chief stayed?" he asked in a conversational tone. One
thing I *have* always liked about him--counselor or no, he never
spoke to me as though I were a child or a fool. I'm willing to bet he
doesn't treat even children and fools like children or fools.

We all went and sat back down. Telnori tried to draw Julian out, get
him to talk a little on his own; he wouldn't, not too surprisingly.
Also not too surprisingly, he started getting obviously uncomfortable
with Telnori's questions. The man's manner and methods seemed the
same to me as always, only a bit quieter and more soothing; but
Julian was definitely not liking it. Even I could tell--I suppose
because I went to him so long myself--when Telnori changed from one
tactic to another, but Julian was visibly sweating and had scooted to
the far end of the couch by the time Telnori finally said "Well, I'll
let you rest, now; this sort of thing can be very straining for
everyone concerned. Call me whenever you feel like talking, Julian,
all right?"

Julian nodded, staring at the floor, quivering slightly. He'd stopped
responding in words a few moments ago. I think pretty soon he'd have
stopped responding at all, to either of us.

Telnori got my eyes with his and I went to the door with him,
followed him out and let it close.

"Not good," I said.

"No," he agreed, "but none of us really expected much else. It's not
unusual for people to feel threatened by therapy sessions, no matter
how innocuous, or how long they've known the therapist; I've known
Julian for years. And then, after something like what he's been
through..."

"He saw it as more tricks," I said grimly. "More attempts to play
with his mind. Even as gentle as you were--those bloody
Cardi--Cardassians can be gentleness itself when it suits the game.
Relax you, throw you off guard, and then close in and hit. Believe
me, I know their methods."

"Not saw it that way, quite. He knows better that that. But it *felt*
like that to him, more so as the session went on and got more
involved. I think we'd better table talk therapy for a while. Coming
from me, at least. You might have better luck."

"You're the expert. I'd be afraid of hurting him worse. *Did* you
find out anything useful?"

"I found some things, most of which I'll be putting in my report for
Guirani, and a few of which I'll tell you, because you have a
definite need-to-know. Caring for someone in his condition can be
very wearing; how are you holding up?"

I was puzzled. "Not counting pulling him out of Car--Cardassian
space, Julian may never have been less troublesome to me in the
entire history of our friendship, though I've never been so worried
about him," I said. "And I've been relieved of duty for the duration
of the inquiry, so that isn't a problem, either."

"I'm glad to hear it, because I'm about to tell you something very
important. You are the one real thing in his world."

"I...how do you mean?"

"He believes he's home, on a level. On another level, he believes
he's still at Alur Six. And on yet another level, he doesn't believe
in *anything*, there's a perfect nihilist mindset in there.
The...treatments managed to destroy his faith in reality, with the
exception of his faith in you. If he even had the ability to
completely believe in anything else, he'd be afraid to try."

"Because it might be another trick?"

"Exactly."

"And he believes in me, because I rescued him."

"It isn't that simple. That's almost certainly part of it, yes. But
in case you didn't know this, I always had a feeling that you were
the most stable, substantial aspect of his life even before this
happened. You were his rock, even then. I don't know if it's you, or
the nature of your relationship with him specifically, but I think I
can say I know you pretty well by now, and you are one of the most
solidly real people I've ever met." Telnori smiled slightly.

"He's been close to plenty of people since I've known him,
though...Garak, Jadzia, Leeta, you--"

"Garak? Would you say *that* relationship is based on anything even
approaching reality? Or his fantasies about Jadzia, or a casual,
friendly relationship that amounted to little more than a flirtation?
Me, I'm a colleague. We respect and like each other, and we work well
together, and that's the size of that. Remember, I'm not saying he
doesn't have strong feelings for these people you mention--and I'm
not suggesting those relationships haven't been as important to him.
I'm just saying that you were more *real* to him than they were.
Chief, he's fighting very hard to get himself back right now, harder
than even he realizes. He has to believe in something, in someone he
doesn't have to retreat from, or he'll lose the only hold he has;
and, all things considered, you were the best candidate for the job."

I was quiet a moment; finally I nodded. "But...he asked me about the
rescue. He wanted to know if I'd killed everyone in the base, things
like that. He seemed to believe that all that occurred. How could it
happen if it wasn't real? The base and et cetera, the runabout? Um,
do you follow me?"

"Yes. You want to know how he can believe in you and things related
to you without believing in a reality in general. The answer to that
is that he's very badly hurt, and as I said, he believes many
contradictory things right now, and also, on some levels, nothing."

"Right, then--I'm using this word in sympathy, not accusation--you
make it sound like he *has* gone crazy."

"He probably feels like he has. Try to keep in mind that this doesn't
make any sense to Julian, either. He knows this can't be right, but
he's helpless. He's not stating a philosophical position here,
there's nothing that can be explained and quantified--he's the victim
of a massive assault on his sanity. All he knows for certain is that
he can't trust the evidence of his senses, he can't ever be sure that
what's happening around him is really what's happening around him--or
even that what's happening in his mind is real. Givens and if-thens
are so much noise now; none of his former assumptions can be
trusted." Telnori leaned against the corridor wall, folding his arms.
He's a tall fellow, taller than Julian. Vulcan ancestry or something.
But he looked a bit shrunken and tired right then.

"I know what *that's* like, after Argratha..."

"I know you do, Miles. But you were able to come back to reality far
more easily than he is--just the difference in who you are, the way
you're put together, the ways you operate. Julian can't know that he
won't suddenly be plunged back into that pit you rescued him from.
He's not *completely* sure he *ever* lived on a station called DS9,
or practiced medicine. But humans only know one way to relate to what
we perceive, by and large, at least. He has certain reflexive
responses to perception, just like the rest of us, and they're
functioning, or he wouldn't be able to interact with the outside
world at all. That doesn't mean he trusts anything he's perceiving.
Any of it but you."

I sighed, nodding again. "Anything you'd care to recommend?"

"Keep him interacting with you, if you can. Try to interest him in
things you and he do together--ask if he wants to...okay, the
holosuites are probably a bad idea right now, his reality is
confusing enough. But the programs themselves, you could talk about
them. And other things he associates closely with you. He might be
willing to give them a provisional test run--see if you can draw him
out that way. And for God's sake, get him to eat. He'll never believe
in reality again if we can't get some food down his throat--there's
nothing like slow starvation to lend an air of unreality to just
about everything."

"*That's* true enough."

"Ask it of him as a personal favor. And give him something easy to
digest."

"He doesn't like anything that's easy to digest. You wouldn't believe
the garbage the boy eats."

"Whatever you can get him to take, then. Just be available to him.
I'm going to compare notes with Guirani and see what we can come up
with."

"Right. One more thing...Garak wants to see him."

"Does he want to see Garak?"

"I haven't asked. I can understand why Garak'd want to see him--for
whose sake did the lad go through this? But I can't help but think..."

"...that Garak's a little grey and scaly for Julian to be confronted
with right now? It's possible. Ask him, is all I can think of to do
at the moment. I'll add this; Guirani would probably say to tell
Garak no."

"Hm. I suppose I'd better postpone it, then. I'll ask Garak if
there's any message he'd like me to give Julian. Good luck."

"Same to you. I'll speak with you tomorrow."

I went back in, and Julian got up and bolted across the room to me
and nearly knocked me over; I was startled at the intensity with
which he was holding me, not that I minded it. I caught him and
squeezed him close. "Hold on now, it's all right, I'm right here."

"Is there any way," he said unsteadily, in that breathy voice, "that
you can keep that from happening again?"

"It's all right, Telnori thinks we've maybe pushed you a bit fast.
You needn't see him again for a while. Come on, sit down. Between
fear and starving, your legs won't hold you."

I crouched in front of him after I'd sat him down, and crossed my
arms on his knees and rested my chin on them. He smiled, waiting.
"Julian," I said. "I am going to go to the replicator and get you a
Delvan fluff pastry and a cup of that vile tea you're so fond of, and
I want you to open those shuttle bay doors and eat."

He started to shake his head.

"Juliannnn," I coaxed. "This is me talking to you now. Would I give
you anything evil? Not counting that one bottle of spoiled Denebian
hallberry-wine we drank anyway because we didn't know any better." I
imitated his accent and added 'Are you sure it's supposed to smell
like this, Chief?'"

He'd looked dismissive until I said that last bit, and then he
smiled. "You told me it was an acquired taste. Our teeth were pink
for days."

"Remember how fast we had to talk to explain *that* whenever people
saw us together?" I stood up, leaned down, took his face in my hands
and kissed him, then started for the replicator, on which I just
managed to catch myself as the shock caught up with me. I turned and
looked at him, but he was only curling up on the sofa, letting his
head fall to the back and closing his eyes.

I got the pastry and the tea, and he ate. Slowly; I didn't rush him,
considering how long he'd been fasting. Then he had a mug of soup,
and then he felt sick. I sat with him until it passed. The food
stayed down.

I'd asked him once why he wouldn't eat, back before he was talking;
and while he was lying against me there, hyperventilating, insisting
he was fine, I asked if he hadn't eaten because he'd known this would
happen.

"No," he said. "I'd really rather not...talk about it now."

"Of course. Just relax. Try to take deeper breaths."

"I tell that to women in labor and they tell me to go to hell. Now I
know why." He didn't say it as though he were making a joke. It was
simply a statement of fact.

"Right, then, pant if that's what helps."

He put his arms around me and hid his face in my neck. "You help."

I tried to say something and stammered, and his breath against my
neck sent gooseflesh up all across me. "Your stomach?"

"Everything."

I just held him, I didn't know what else to do. It seemed like I
could feel him everywhere, all over me. Inside me.

---

He liked to pile himself half in my lap to watch the holos I made of
our suite programs--Telnori okayed that much, since Julian'd talk
about them with me afterward, in historical terms, not fantastic
ones. I didn't think that made much difference, though; it was still
as unreal to him, "historical" label on it or no.

And he'd started coming, every now and then of a day, to wherever I
happened to be, and snuggling up to me. I let him--hell, most of the
time I'd drop whatever I was doing; I was already liking it to an
alarming degree--and touched him back, because he'd usually talk with
me then, and he was still spending a disquieting lot of time staring
into space, out the ports or otherwise. Sometimes he only took my
hand; sometimes he'd press close, rest his head on my shoulder. When
he did that, I usually had to ask him to repeat himself at least once
during the conversation. He just seemed to need me near him all the
time, and I can understand it, hell though it was for me after I
realized what I was feeling; if there were only one thing in my
world, my mind, my perceptions, that I believed really existed, I'd
want it around, too.

He talked about almost anything, or listened to me talk about almost
anything. The difference from the way we were before was that there
was no...presentation of a thesis and defense of it, no word play, no
banter. And not much animation in general. He did laugh some, though
not often. He said some things that I couldn't follow, that I didn't
see the associations of, but again, not often. Simply statements,
observations, relations of memories--though not *those*, he never
talked about Alur Six, at least not directly--and questions. He
thought a thing, he said it. It was never impassioned, though, and I
was surprised almost none of it seemed very angry. Everyone has dark
thoughts, and he'd just been...well. With that odd qualifier, it was
very much as though I was seeing his soul laid bare.

It scared the hell out of me, even as I fell farther for him, as it
went on. He was so beautiful, even what makes me furious is beautiful
in him.

---

"Miles?"

"Yes?"

"Do you ever think about dying?"

"I was thinking about it close to a week ago, pretty intensively. And
I was a soldier, of course I've thought about it." I decided not to
mention the phaser and the cargo bay. I wasn't actually *thinking*,
then, anyway.

He whispered "No, I mean...what it will be like."

I realized why he was asking this, and I set my padd down on the
table and thought. "Do you mean dying, or being dead?"

"Being dead." I could hardly hear him, his voice was so soft, even
though he was lying with his head in my lap.

"Well...I suppose I'm of the faction that believes there's no way to
tell what it will be like until it happens to you."

"I thought you were raised Catholic?"

"I was never devout, you know that."

"Being a doctor, I always thought being dead...that it was just...the
end. Nonexistence. The blackest coma imaginable...I'm not sure I
believe that any more."

"What do you think now?"

"I think...perhaps we do have a soul, and it does leave the body at
death...I think perhaps mine has."

I'd been listening with half an ear; at that I focused on him. "What?
What do you mean?"

He looked up at me; those eyes, usually clear as sunlight in Leith,
were dark and haunted. "I'm not sure you saved all of me."

I took him by the shoulders and sat him up, and kept my hold on him
as I asked "Are you trying to tell me you think you're dead?"

"I'm not sure." *That* didn't surprise me; the only thing he *was*
sure of was that he trusted me. He continued "I think...I think I
did...leave my body, or part of me did--when they--while they had me."

"That sort of experience isn't uncommon, going through what you were.
I've had that feeling myself."

"No, I don't mean that. I really did want to die, you know. I've
never *really* wanted that, before, I only wanted...whatever was
wrong to stop. But I wanted to die then. Even if *they* stopped. I
just didn't want to live any more. I didn't want to be."

"But you didn't die."

"Part of me did. Maybe all of me. Maybe I *am* dead, maybe this is
what death is like, and that's why...nothing is..."

"You're *not* dead! If you're dead, how do you explain me being with
you? I can assure you *I'm* quite alive."

"I can't explain it. I can't explain anything." His eyes were
glimmering, enormous tears standing in them.

I pulled him close. "I can explain, then. You've been badly hurt,
that's why nothing is making any sense to you. Try not to let it fret
you so. You believe in me, right? If you can do that much, you can
get the rest, and eventually you will. It's only going to take time."

"But...I *can't* believe, Miles. Didn't you know?" His eyes became
faraway, turned toward the ports again as I sat back from him to look
at him. He raised a hand toward them, toward the stars outside. "When
I believe...that's when it all begins to unravel...the most dangerous
thing, it...all comes apart..." his voice wasn't even a whisper now,
and looking in his eyes, I had the sick feeling that that was what he
was seeing--the walls, the ports, the stars diffusing, blurring,
changing...coming apart...his mouth moved again, but no sound came
out. I was close enough to see the words, though. They were "Patterns
melting...a dream I can't wake up from...no focus, into another
dream, try to remember...what happened before...?"

I touched his cheek and turned his head toward me, but I could tell
he wasn't seeing me. "Julian! Come back here, damn it!" I shook him.
"Julian!" I kissed him again, hard. Maybe too hard, a lot of built-up
want for him came out in it, though that wasn't why I did it.

But it worked. When I leaned away from him, he was back. Suddenly his
face crumpled and he burst into sobs of such incredible anguish I was
stunned. "What is it?" I demanded, pulling his slumped-over form into
my lap. "Why are you crying?"

"That felt good," he choked, and shuddered as another sob racked him.

Gods above. Maybe they really had driven him insane. He wouldn't be
the first.

---

I was asleep, one week after I'd brought him back. With Keiko. I'd
asked him if he thought he could stay the night alone, and he hadn't
answered me. He just looked at me and looked away, sort of vacant.

"Guirani to O'Brien!"

Keiko mumbled something and hid under her pillow. I slurred
"O'Brien...O'Brien here." Then I sat up suddenly. "Is it Julian?"

"It most definitely is. I couldn't get close enough to sedate him and
we had to stun him. I've given him a sedative, but we need you in his
quarters *now*, Chief."

"On my way." I rolled out of bed, cursing a blue streak, and got
moving.

The Captain was there already, in his bathrobe. I could see Dr.
Guirani too, through the open bedroom door; she was scanning Julian.
He was on the floor, in his shorts and a uniform tank, and he was
covered with blood and bruises. I gaped. "Good God."

"That was my reaction too," the Captain said grimly. His manner was
vaguely accusatory, but I knew he wouldn't ask why I'd left Julian.
"The only coherent thing he said was your name."

"He spoke aloud?"

"Until I shot him, when he knocked Dr. Guirani across the room." I
looked at Guirani again; she had a violent bruise swelling over her
cheekbone.

"Hell." I went and knelt next to Julian. "Can I get him on the bed?"

"Yes. I know how he looks, but none of it's serious. I'll take care
of those bruises..." she rummaged in her kit. I gathered Julian in my
arms and lifted him onto the bed.

"Chief," the Captain said, coming in, "I've explained the
circumstances to Admiral Ross, and he's agreed to leave you in my
custody until such time as you're not needed here."

"Am I back on duty?"

"I'm afraid not. If we could take the time to get the inquiry over
with, perhaps, but as things stand we're stuck. But I think you're
going to be busy in any case."

"It looks that way, yes, sir," I sighed. Guirani was running some
light-shining instrument over Julian's hands and arms. "What
happened?"

"Myra Stolzoff is the Doctor's neighbor on the spinward side; she
reported that it sounded like he was being murdered in here, or
someone was...what did she say...playing calypso music on the walls.
Security arrived and found him attacking one of the ports. They tried
to restrain him; he decked them both. Stolzoff then called both
myself and Dr. Guirani. Eventually he became quieter, and the Doctor
tried to approach him, with the obvious results. That's when I took
one of the security team's phasers and stunned him."

"You couldn't make out anything else he said?"

"He was silent, except for calling for you. He...closed his eyes, and
covered his ears. He repeated your name over and over. I tried to
reassure him, but I don't think he even saw me."

"He may not have. You can go back to bed, sir, I'll stay with him."

"Chief...how have things been? Is he improving at all?"

"I can't rightly say, sir, I'm not a psychologist. He's been all
right the last two days, or I wouldn't have left him alone.
Wouldn't've anyway if it weren't for my kids and Keiko. Would you
talk to her, by the way, sir? She'll want to know what you've just
told me."

"I'll stop by your quarters before I return to mine."

"There," Guirani said. "It'll take awhile for the discoloration to
fade, but the blood vessels are healed. The scrapes aren't severe;
you can take care of them, I'm sure he's got a dermal regenerator
around somewhere."

"He keeps it in the bathroom. I'll get it in a minute. How long will
he be out? Will he be smarting from the stun?"

"Only another few minutes, but I'm going to leave a few doses of the
sedative with you. And no, I gave him something to take care of the
stun hangover."

"You'd better get one of your people to see to that cheek."

"Wh...oh. I can do it myself. I'm going to come back first thing in
the morning and check him again. Do you think you can handle him
until then?"

The Captain said "In all likelihood, the Chief is the *only* one who
can handle him. Let's let him rest, Doctor, if you're through."

"In the morning, Chief." Guirani and the Captain left.

I went and got the regenerator, then realized I was going to have to
wash the blood off him first to see where the scrapes were. I went
back to the bathroom for a cloth.

His eyes were open when I got back. He saw me and tried to shove
himself up. I ran to him and put my hands on his shoulders. "Stay
down, you're not a model of coordination at the moment." I sat down
and began swabbing the blood off him with one hand. He'd grabbed on
to my other with both of his. "What happened, Julian?"

His mouth formed either the word The or They. I paused in wiping his
arm and said "They who?"

He released my hand with one of his and pointed at the port.
"Laughing," he whispered.

"The stars?"

He shook his head.

"The...the people who did this to you?"

He shook his head again. I decided not to make him work for an
explanation. What *was* obvious was that I had been a damned idiot.
"I'm sorry I left you alone, Julian. I'll stay until you don't need
me. You don't mind if Keiko and the kids keep visiting?"

He just looked at me.

"I'll take that as a no." I kept wiping blood until the cloth was
dark with it. I wondered how he'd managed to cut himself on a wall,
there was nothing sharp there, until I saw the crusted stuff under
his fingernails and cursed myself again for leaving him.

I suppose the reason I'd done it is obvious by now. I was liking him
always on me far too much. I was stunned by that, but I wasn't stupid
enough to deny it, or perhaps it was simply too powerful for me to be
able to, so I told myself he'd be all right without me...I hadn't
kissed him since he started crying with fear the last time I'd done
it--because it felt good--but that didn't mean I hadn't wanted to. I
figured I was turning into a serious example of Florence Nightingale
syndrome and I wanted to head it off before I couldn't be with him
while he still needed me close, so Keiko and I'd had a good dose of
each other before we went to sleep. She was about as ravenous for it
as I was; I wondered if she had the same reason I did, but it's not
the sort of thing you can really ask. If she did, well, my thanks to
whoever was turning her on so. Maybe you know who you are.

Keiko knew I slept in with him, and she knew I'd kissed him, and her
concern about both things seemed mostly that Julian was in the kind
of shape that I'd need to do either thing. All she was worried about
was him, and to a lesser degree, me, how I must be feeling about it
all. I swear I've never been so blessed as the day I married that
woman. But I *hadn't* told her how I wanted him. I didn't think
anything would come of my feelings, and I didn't want her to think I
loved her less.

Julian had closed his eyes when I pulled the tank shirt off him and
started running the cloth over his chest. God, he was thin. Julian's
never been as barrel-chested as I am, of course, but this was extreme
even for him. I couldn't see bones so much as count each muscle
fiber. I knew I was in trouble already; the heat coming off him was
making me want to lie down with him and bask in it. Which I was about
to have to do.

I scrubbed at his fingernails with the cloth, one finger at a time.
His eyes slitted open and he watched for a bit, before closing them
again when I started in with the regenerator.

I got out of my uniform and got in with him, calling the lights off.
He turned over and put his arms around me. I groaned inwardly and put
mine around him, too.

"Miles."

"Hm?"

"It feels good when you touch me."

Oh, *bloody* hell...

"And I didn't think it would ever feel good to be touched." He
burrowed against me and seemed to drop right off. Must have been the
sedative. Needless to say, I didn't follow him for quite a while.

---

That my wife forgave me doesn't matter; I did what I did, at first,
without her knowledge and consent, and that's wrong. Some people
think she and I are positively ancient in our thoughts about that,
and maybe they're right; maybe it's just that bloody Catholic
upbringing rearing its ugly head. In my own defense I could say that
he needed me too much for me to ignore, that it was for him, to help
bring him back and make him connect with reality again. Actually, I
told myself that even as it was happening, but the truth is I wanted
him, and his wanting me was the only excuse I needed to let it
happen. I do love him. There is that in my favor. But I still feel
like I took advantage of him.

In any case, it didn't happen first that night. Back there, now...

I laid there holding him, with his face in my neck and his breath hot
as steam, flowing over me. He felt so fragile. I knew how strong he
was, almost unbelievably for someone so slight. His shoulders are
broad, but he still seems too small--bulkwise; he's a couple of
centimeters taller than I am, and I'm not short--to be so strong.
He's picked *me* up before, carried me a fair distance, and I must
outweigh him by ten kilograms. I supposed all that was why he'd been
able to hurt himself so badly on the wall. I joked to myself it
wasn't inconceivable he might have smashed the port if he hadn't been
stopped, but it seemed too possible to be funny. Nothing about this
was funny.

Laughing. I thought of him waking screaming again...who or what had
been laughing? How could I have been such a selfish, insensitive
cretin? Thoughts like that kept me up quite a while, but finally I
did sleep.

When I woke up, he was already awake, but he was still lying there
with me. I shifted and hid my face in the pillow and yawned. "Been up
long?"

He shook his head; I felt it against my shoulder. I was getting good
at deciphering what he said; his mouth was against the nape of my
neck, and though he didn't even whisper, his breath helped me feel
that he was saying "Miles." I could even feel the barest touch of the
tip of his tongue on the L, and I shivered. "Hm?" I asked.

He lifted his head and brushed my ear with his lips. For all it was a
whisper, his manner was relaxed and conversational. "Did I tell you I
loved you? When you came for me."

I nearly had a heart attack. "Um...no. You didn't say much at all."

"Oh. Well, I do. I always have. But I'm sure you knew that." He
wriggled out of my arms and got up, heading for the bath.

"Bet I love you more," I murmured, anguished.

For an instant I thought he'd heard me, because he stopped and turned
at the bathroom door and whispered something.

I rolled over. "Excuse me?"

"Come with me. I like having you close."

And he was afraid, now, that I'd leave if I was out of his sight. He
was so lovely. And he needed me so much, and I wanted him so badly. I
thought of holding him close while warm water spilled over us, and my
breath caught.

I managed to say "I'm not quite awake yet, I'll go next. Don't worry,
I'll be here when you come out."

He was still, then nodded and went in.

I laid there, hard and aching, an arm thrown over my eyes. Why had I
never seen how exquisite he was? Or, more to the point, why had I
never admitted to it?

Because I'd've wanted him this much, apparently. I might have got
lost in him, as I felt I was doing now. It seemed I hadn't even known
him before, who he was inside, all of him, like I was learning
now...yet he was still the same man I'd known for years.

He emerged from the shower and I went in, and took care of the large,
elongated problem that I'd managed to cover with my bathrobe, which
had been still next to his bed. I felt a little more in charge of
things when I came out.

---

A few days after that, I was sitting at the terminal, going over the
status logs my section chiefs had been providing me with; trying to
pay attention to them, at least. Julian was in the floor next to me,
leaning in my lap. He was bare from the waist up and I'd given in to
myself enough to be caressing him gently. He'd relaxed considerably
since I'd started doing it, resting his head on his folded arms.

He looked up and reached for my other hand; I gave it to him and he
kissed it. I thought my heart would break; he looked so young.
"Miles, I want to go to the infirmary."

"Hm? Oh. You okay?"

He nodded.

"Um, sure. If there's any place more real to you than that one, I
can't think of where it would be." He nodded and got up to go to the
bedroom and put on a shirt.

The door chimed; I called "Come."

It opened to reveal Jadzia. "Hi, Chief. How's it going?"

"Much the same. He's in getting dressed--wants to visit the
infirmary."

"That's probably a good idea. Were you going to site-to-site?"

"I think he's up for the walk. He hasn't been starting at shadows
lately. As long as no one tries to touch him, he should be fine."

She sighed. "He still won't let anyone but you near him?"

"Hard to say. The only one who sees him regularly is Telnori, and he
never gets too close. You could try, if you're feeling brave."

"I don't want to upset him. From what Benjamin tells me, Julian's
more shy of the people he was close to than of anyone. Except for
you, I mean."

Julian came back in and saw Jadzia; he said nothing, just coming to
where I was standing up from the terminal and taking my hand. I
patted his with my free one and said "Ready, lad?"

He nodded; Jadzia turned to precede us out. I murmured to him "Um,
Julian, are you sure you really want to be holding hands with me in
front of the whole station?"

He looked at me blankly and whispered "What difference does it make?"

Jadzia glanced sidelong at us and said "You have to admit, from his
perspective, he's got a point. If no one's real but you, who cares
what they see?"

"True," I sighed. With the exception of his seeming calmer--which
might be a deceptive appearance; who knew what would happen if I
abandoned him again--he hadn't seemed to be making much progress. He
did talk with Telnori, but he clearly hated it and many statements
and questions he simply wouldn't respond to. I suppose he did seem
better since what happened when I'd left him, though.

On the way there, he looked up and around at the surroundings as
though he'd never seen them, but with a completely noncommittal look
on his face. It struck me then that a good part of his behavior
seemed designed not to give anything away--refusing to speak,
eat...the bland non-attitude he usually evinced, unless he was
upset...I wondered exactly what they'd done that he'd driven it so
hard into himself not to respond, not to show what was happening
inside him, that now he couldn't stop--or wouldn't stop, if he
believed it wasn't really over...but then, me. Me again. I accepted
Telnori's explanation, largely, but I still felt a bit as though it
begged the question.

"Doctor!" A Bajoran technician was the first to see us; he hurried
over toward us as other people turned to us on hearing him--and
Jadzia lunged across me to place herself between the man and Julian.
"Mora," she hissed rapidly, "he's still not himself."

The man stopped short and gulped, then nodded. "Well, it's...it's
still good to see you, Doctor. I'm glad you felt well enough to come
by."

Julian just regarded him steadily. Mora went about his business, and
so did everyone else, except Guirani. She came up to us, staying out
of Julian's reach, and said "Chief, Commander. Hello, Doctor. Was it
your idea to come see us?"

He nodded to her, saying "I think I'll see if I can make some sense
of what's likely become of my office. Excuse me." Which was the
longest speech I'd heard him make to anyone but me since I got him
back, though no louder than before. He moved off.

"Odd," I murmured when he was out of earshot. "Since the night a few
days ago I left him alone, he hates even leaving my sight to shower."

"Maybe it's a good sign," Jadzia said wistfully, staring after him.

"We'll hope so," Guirani agreed, "as is his taking an interest in the
work here in the infirmary. One of us should tell Telnori about it,
Chief."

"Think he'll reactivate Julian's clearances?"

"Probably not yet. Dr. Bashir was very obviously a danger to himself
and others; we'll want to be sure he won't lose control like that
again, if you leave him alone, before we give him that kind of
access."

I asked "Jadzia--any word from the Captain on my inquiry proceedings?"

"Like he said, standstill until Dr. Guirani or the counselor say that
Julian can get along without you. It must be making you crazy that
you can't work."

"It is, rather. My people are good enough to send me the logs on
their own recognizance, even though my status isn't active, so I can
keep up with what's going on. And if they want to ask me for some
friendly advice about dealing with a problem, well, there's no
regulation against that." We grinned at each other and I added
"Thanks for helping keep an eye on things. I think you're the only
one around here besides me who really knows what keeps this place up
and running."

"It's nothing, Chief. Doctor Guirani, do you think--"

"Doctor? Doctor! Doctor Bashir! Quick, hand me that tricorder--"

We were all three of us moving before the last word was out; as we
reached Julian's office, it became obvious it was empty.

"Damn--he's in the pharmacy," Jadzia groaned as we all skidded to a
halt outside the room; Julian was on the floor by a hypo with an
expended canister, and a Fleet nurse and a Bajoran technician were
lifting him up, scanning him. Guirani snatched up the hypo. "Who left
him in here?"

The Bajoran looked up, scared. "Why shouldn't we let him...is there
something wrong with--"

"Never mind," Guirani said, getting out of the way as the two women
carried Julian out of the pharmacy and off toward the surgery at
amazing speed, us following. "I can't blame you for assuming the CMO
wouldn't need supervision in the pharmacy. This hypo had enough
andelizine in it to kill three of him."

"What's andelizine?" I asked.

"A highly narcotic anesthesia. A normal dose will put a human adult
into a coma it would take a day to come out of without a
counteractive medication, usually ecpetrine. Get him on the table and
get me ten ccs of cordrazine."

The nurse didn't hesitate, but Jadzia spooked. "Ten ccs! Shouldn't
you start with a lower dose?"

"That *is* a low dose in this case, Commander. Damn." Even I could
tell that he didn't have any life signs registering. Guirani did
things at the computer and the thud-thud-thud of a pulse started up
through the monitors. "I've got him on total support; technically,
he's dead."

*My* heart almost stopped; I thought I might collapse. Jadzia seemed
to sense it and touched my shoulder. "Hang on, Miles, he's not lost
to us yet."

They injected him with the cordrazine and Guirani said "Cortical
stimulator. Come on, Julian, don't give up now...clear!"

His body spasmed hard; I winced in sympathy.

"It's okay, Chief, it's a good sign," Jadzia whispered to me. "His
nervous system is still very responsive. For being swamped with that
much andelizine, at least."

"Discontinue support...damn it, re-initiate. Clear!"

He jerked again.

"Cortical monitor reading?"

"Still nothing, sir."

"Five cc's cordrazine and fifteen anaproviline. Now!" They injected
him again. "Clear--anything?"

"I'm getting something," the Fleet nurse said in obvious relief.
"Discontinue?"

"Stay on the control. That's not much of a reading. Damn that he's a
doctor..."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"He knew just what to hit himself with. When that andelizine reached
his brain stem, he died instantly. If he'd been left alone just
thirty more seconds, there's no way we could have brought him back.
The counteractive measures themselves would have killed him. They
still might."

The Bajoran woman looked agonized. "I didn't know..."

"Seeja, you couldn't have," Guirani sighed. "We've got brainwave
activity, Delta band. He's still in coma and I don't dare give him
anything to try to bring him up higher; with everything in his system
already, he'd explode right there on the table. But he's off support,
breathing on his own...we'll keep him here for the time being. That
was a hell of a close call; we can't be certain we won't have to have
him in here again."

"Can I stay with him?" I asked faintly.

"Sure, Chief. Seeja, you too."

"Yes, Doctor," Seeja said.

Jadzia left to go talk to the Captain. I found a stool and sat; it
had all happened so fast I was dazed, still trying to catch up, think
about the ramifications of this. I wondered if Julian was right. Had
I really saved him at all?

I laid my hand lightly on his chest, so that I could feel its
movement. "Just breathe, Julian..."

I finally fell asleep there, slumped over on the table by him.

---

Someone was shaking me. I opened my eyes and sat up with a groan. The
first thing to register on me was that the table was empty. I
stumbled abruptly to my feet. "What the--"

"He's in the ward," Guirani told me, looking like she hadn't slept
herself. "Still unconscious, but out of danger. So why don't you go
get some rest, too?"

"I should be here when he wakes."

"He won't, for hours."

"I'll sleep on the bed next over from him."

"Are you sure you don't want to go home and see your family?"

"Sure I want to, but do *you* want him going ballistic on you again?"

"Of course not, my cheekbone's still smarting from last time...all
right, I suppose it would be best, at that." I followed her out.

Julian was in an infirmary smock, covered with a sheet. He looked
like a corpse. I actually froze for a minute until I was sure I could
see his chest rising and falling. I laid down on the bed next to his
and closed my eyes, but it was a long time before I could drop off
again.

When I woke, the infirmary lights were down. I turned over and sat
up--even in the dimness, illuminated by cool-colored panel glow, I
could see that his eyes were open. He'd been watching me.

I got down from the bed, listening to my joints creak, and went to
him, touching his cheek. "Julian...is it--really so bad you'd rather
be dead?" If it was, I understood. He'd saved me from that; it was my
turn now.

"I wouldn't rather be dead. Assuming I'm not."

I just stared at him, completely at a loss. Finally I managed to say
"Then what the hell were you doing?"

"I wanted to see what would happen. How much is allowed."

"What in blazes do you mean by..." I trailed off, thinking. Had this
been a way of determining the reality of his surroundings? Of the
drugs? What? "What exactly are you talking about?"

"If I died it would have meant one thing. If nothing happened,
another. If this happened...I'm afraid this doesn't mean much of
anything."

I nearly groaned out loud. "I don't suppose you can be any clearer
than that? You mean if you died, you'd know where you were was real?
What the hell kind of sense does that make?" Even as it came out of
my mouth, I realized it was a stupid thing to say. Nothing made sense
to him any more. That particular logical paradox was no stranger to
him than anything else was, now. "Julian, you believe in me, right?
Well, you did die. I was there for all of it. You were dead for
nearly five minutes. Guirani said another thirty seconds would have
finished you, she wouldn't have been able to revive you if the stuff
had got that much more of a foothold in you--the counteractive
measures would have killed you themselves before they revived you.
God, Julian, please. Tell me you won't do anything like this again.
Does what I did to get you back indicate to you that I can stand the
thought of losing you?"

He gazed at me impassively.

"Promise me, Julian."

He took my hand and kissed it again. "All right." It didn't seem to
be that important to him.

I slumped in relief. "How do you feel now?"

"Rested."

I stared quizzically at him.

"No dreams," he explained.

---

"Sir, this isn't working."

The Captain gazed back at me from the terminal screen, and said "I'm
forced to agree. Has he made any more suicide attempts?"

"I explained to Guirani, and she put it in her report--that wasn't
exactly a suicide attempt. He wasn't trying to die--though the
possibility didn't seem to bother him much--so much as he was trying
to check some kind of hypothesis. I know, I know, it hardly matters.
Anyway, sir, I don't think he's going to improve here. We just
haven't got what he needs. I think he should go to Mercy Prime. I
know Guirani and the others want him here where they can tend him
themselves, but--"

"If you'd simply like a break from caring for him, we might be able
to--"

"It's not that, sir, I'd change his nappies and feed him by hand if I
thought it would help, but it won't. He needs far more intensive,
specialized treatment than he can get here. Telnori's about
nine-tenths of the way to agreeing with me on this, by the way."

"Yes, his reports haven't been very hopeful in tone. The only problem
I see is you, Chief. I can't permit you to leave the station under
the current circumstances."

"Sir, you've got to. He'll go bloody catatonic without me, or worse."

"I'm aware of that, but I have no leeway in this sort of situation."
The Captain was obviously frustrated by that, too.

I thought furiously. "Sir, could some specialists and equipment be
brought here from Mercy? Or Earth, wherever, but I'm told Mercy's
most advanced in its development of treatments for this sort of
thing, being out where it is."

"I can certainly make inquiry. I'll let you know what I find in the
morning, Chief--and I'll do everything in my power, though I'm sure I
don't need to tell you that."

"You don't, sir. I know you'll do your best for him."

"Very well. Sisko out."

"Thanks, sir. O'Brien out."

I rubbed my eyes and got up. Julian was on the sofa, listlessly
working on a padd; I went and sat next to him. "What's that?"

"Medical logs." He set the padd down, turned, and wrapped his arms
around my neck, settling against me.

And this was the big reason I knew Julian had to get help. Now. I
couldn't bloody take this any more. Nearly out of my head at the
feeling that flowed over me when he touched me, I turned his face up
and kissed him. He kissed me back, harder than he had before, and it
went on a while; I only pulled back when I realized I was running my
hands all over him, and had been about to slide one up under his
shirt.

He looked at me, blinking, and whispered "Why did you stop? I won't
cry again, not with you."

"Oh, Julian..." I despaired. "I don't know how to explain. Is it
really so helpful? All this...touching me so much?"

He breathed "When you touch me, I feel real."

"God," I whispered, a heartbeat from kissing him again. I was so hard
I hurt and he was the only thing I could see or feel, but I rallied.
"I stopped because...because it just isn't fair of me, you're not
yourself...."

His soft, expressive lips touched my ear. He mouthed "Then tell me
who I am."

The door chime sounded.

I tried to release him, but he wasn't cooperating. "Blast it. Come!"
I called in exasperation; the door opened and I almost collapsed in
relief. "Keiko."

She looked a little taken aback at our position--she'd seen him touch
me before when she visited, but we were pretty much in a clinch at
the moment. Julian just gazed passively at her, like he always did.

"Hi, Julian," she said, like *she* always did. "I...hope you're
feeling better. Miles told me what happened."

I nearly dropped him when he actually answered her. "I'm all right
now," he whispered. She didn't catch it, judging by the look on her
face, and I added "He says he's all right now."

"Good," she said, sitting down in one of the facing chairs. "I'm glad
to hear that."

"Where're the kids?" I asked.

"They're with Nerys. She's volunteered to take us to the holosuite to
visit her home province on Bajor; I'm on my way to join them. Have
you talked to the Captain?"

"Just a few minutes ago. He's going to see if, since I can't take
Julian to the mountain, we can bring certain portions of the mountain
to him. Some specialists and equipment."

"When will you know?"

"He's going to update me on what he's found in the morning. Julian,
could I get up a moment? Thanks. Come here, love..." I took Keiko's
hand and drew her away, toward the bedroom; Julian curled up where he
was and picked up the padd again.

She whispered to me "How is he? Really?"

"It doesn't frighten him to feel something good any more, at least
not if it's connected to me somehow, and he only screams if I don't
wake up myself in time to wake him from the dream before it gets that
far. But otherwise...not good. He'll seem to be improving, then
something will happen, like the night I slept at home, or the
business with the hypo. He still won't answer anyone but me more than
maybe half the time, and he won't speak above a whisper when he does.
He won't eat anything not taken from my hands. He won't let anyone
else touch him. He still can't bring himself to believe in anything
completely, not even his own--his own--he thinks he might be dead. I
asked Dr. Guirani about the possibility of wiping his memory of what
happened; she says she hopes to God it doesn't come to that. Says
it's a long way from an exact science, and he's still healing and
resettling, brain-function-wise, from the neurological damage; there
are a hundred things that could go wrong. Plus with something this
traumatic, there'd be what she called synaptic echoes, shades stored
where there'd be no way to find or dispose of them without
randomizing half his dedicated synapses. Keiko, I don't know how to
help him."

She hugged me, and I clung to her. She said "Even Telnori can't seem
to get through to him, Miles, don't feel bad. That you can't either,
I mean. Just do whatever...whatever he seems to need. He'll have more
help soon, it can't be much longer. Stay with him. Your just being
near him helps. Make sure he knows you love him." She kissed my
cheek. "I've got to join Nerys and the kids or she'll have my hide.
I'll see you tomorrow."

"Right, sweetheart." We kissed briefly, and she left.

---

I didn't know how much longer I could stand waking up with his heavy
warmth in my arms like this, sometimes covered in nothing but his
silky skin--he'd get too warm and take things off until he was
comfortable. He radiates heat more like a Vulcan than a human. And
when I didn't have him next to me, I felt cold.

But I had to get up. Another two seconds, another half second, and I
was going to be all over him. I managed to slide away from him and
get up without waking him.

I went out in the front room and leaned against a port, staring out.
I was telling myself that while he might want me too, it wasn't a
real attraction. He'd said it himself, everyone knew it--for him, I
was the *only* one, the only person who was real. The only thing he
could trust. Taking advantage of that would make me lower than
bedrock. But what if I *didn't* love his touching me so much? Would
letting him do it, touching him back, be wrong then? Would responding
to his desire be taking advantage of him if I *hadn't* wanted him--or
would it be giving him what would solidify his viewpoint most?

I had no bleeding idea what my own damned motives were. Should I
refuse to give him what he needed--affirmation of the existence of
something real, affirmation of his own existence, through whatever
kind of touch or reassurance--simply because I was in a moral
quandary?

I felt guilty as hell for half a dozen different reasons...but I'd
only feel guiltier if I tried to assuage that guilt by pushing him
away. He literally had nothing else. I might be the difference
between living and dying for him.

But. I knew that I wanted his need of me, because it kept him with
me, allowed me to know him in ways I never would have otherwise. If
he ever did manage to get back to normal, to the way he'd been
before, he'd never touch me again--no more than he ever had,
anyway--and I hated that thought with a vengeance. All of which made
the guilt worse.

It was like I was crazy, when it came to him. Like his sense of
unreality was contagious, rubbing off on me.

"Miles...? *Miles*!"

"Right here." I returned to the bedroom and sat down with him,
pulling him back down with me. "I told you I won't go far."

He wrapped himself around me as we lay down, and I let myself enjoy
it, running my hands over his bare back and shoulders. "Dreams again?"

"Not bad," he mouthed softly against my shoulder. "I was just making
sure..."

"You can be sure." I touched his chin and lifted it to kiss him, long
and deep. He returned it with more animation than I'd seen in him
yet. Finally it broke, after we were both thoroughly hard, and the
feeling of his erection pressing against me made me moan out loud,
shivering.

He breathed "I want you."

"Oh, God, Julian..."

"Don't you? Want me."

I took a deep breath. Nothing changed thereby. His eyes still touched
me to the core, the smell of him still made me drunk, how he trusted
me and how I loved him still sent me into emotional overload.

"More than anything--I love you, Julian--" I let the words spill out
of me and we kissed again, and then again, moving together. Part of
me was thinking, Now. It's happening now. I hope I can live with
myself. I hope he can, too.

"Touch me," he was whispering again, "it feels so real..."

I obliged him.

---

Comm chirp.

"Sisko to O'Brien."

Comm chirp.

"Sisko to O'Brien. Respond, please."

Comm chirp.

"Chief O'Brien, please respond."

Julian ran his tongue around my ear and whispered "Hadn't you better
get that?"

"Get what?"

Comm chirp. "Chief O'Brien? If you're alive and whole, I suggest you
answer me, because otherwise I'll assume you and the Doctor are both
incapacitated and send half the medical staff to Dr. Bashir's
quarters. With Dax."

"Oh, for--" I sat bolt upright. Julian was giggling. I floundered
through the discarded uniform next to the bed, found my badge and hit
it. I could have just answered through the computer, but the channel
wouldn't have been as secure and I knew what this was about.

"O'Brien here. Sorry, sir."

"Long night, Chief?"

"Um. Yes sir." I dropped a pillow on Julian to muffle the giggling,
though it was so quiet I could barely hear it myself.

"I hope Doctor Bashir is all right?"

"He seems to be fine, sir. Did you have any news for us?"

"The best news, Chief. Three specialists--a cognitive neurologist, a
psychologist who specializes in working with prisoners of war, and a
medical engineer, all of whom are familiar with Dr. Bashir's work,
have volunteered to come to Deep Space Nine with the equipment and
supplies for several specific standardized treatments, and an
experimental one being developed by the neurologist and the engineer.
They can be here in three days' time."

"That's GREAT! Isn't that great, Julian?" I looked at him; he seemed
to be waiting for me to get off the comm. He evinced no other
reaction.

"Thanks for letting us know, sir, and thanks for contacting Mercy's
CO. Do any of the three know Julian personally?"

"No, though one of them was in his graduating class at the Academy.
She's the engineer, though; they moved in different circles,
according to her. Shall I have you notified when they arrive so you
can greet them?"

"Please do. Thanks again, sir, and on Julian's behalf."

"My pleasure, chief. Let me know if anything changes. Sisko out."

"O'Brien out." Something had changed, all right, but I wasn't about
to report it. Not to the Captain, at least.

Julian slid around me like a creeper, banishing thought. I turned
back to him.

---

"Keiko...hi." Julian was in the bedroom asleep.

"Hi," she replied quietly, coming up and kissing me, wrapping her
arms around me and setting her head against my chest. She seemed the
size of a doll. "How is he?"

"He's all right; he's sleeping. Keiko, I have to tell you something."

She looked up at me. "What's the matter? I thought you said he was
all right?"

"He is. I'm not. Keiko...I don't even know how to tell you this. I
never thought it could happen."

She eyed me, and then all expression fell from her face. She looked
at the bedroom, looked at me again, and got wide-eyed. "Did you
and...did you and um, him...um, Julian...did you two...?"

I was rocked that she'd guessed it right off like that, and wondered
what that said about what my behavior with him so far had been
looking like. I never have been able to keep it secret when I'm
feeling something. I managed to choke "Keiko, I'm losing my mind over
it. I don't know...I didn't know what else to do. I--"

"Yeah," she muttered, sort of wandering toward the sofa, but she
didn't sit. She looked back at me. "So. Tell me about it."

"Um..." Bloody hell. "You mean...what exactly do you..."

"How? Was he climbing on you like I've seen him do and you got
excited or what? What happened?" I was stunned to realize she was
still keeping her voice down, as she'd been ever since I told her
Julian was asleep.

"Something like that. But he did want it, it wasn't just that--he
needed to feel real, and I'm the only thing he believes in--God, how
can I--"

"Oh, you wanted it too, Miles Edward O'Brien, or you wouldn't have
done it. I know you."

"Yes, I did, I'm not trying to lie about that. But I did try to stop
it. I even tried to explain to him that it wouldn't be right, but it
was like talking to a child."

"I hope it wasn't like sleeping with a child."

"Oh. No. Not at all." I tried to relate to her the tangle of want and
concern and fear and sheer desperation and confusion that had led up
to it in my head. She stood very quiet, her eyes hooded, while I
fought to get it all out.

Finally I ran out of ways to repeat the fact that I was at a loss as
to what had been the right thing to do. There was a silence, and she
said "I thought you might have been wanting him." She sat down on the
couch. "I guess it's not that surprising, considering what you did to
get him back."

"I'd have done no less for you, or--"

"I know. Actually, if it were me, you probably wouldn't have left
*anything* alive on that planet." She was quiet then.

I had a recurrence of the desire to trash a cargo bay and vaporize my
own head with a phaser set at sixteen. "Keiko, please--scream, hit
me, whatever--but don't let me wonder what's going on inside you."

"Why shouldn't I? You didn't clue *me* in."

"You're right. I didn't. I didn't want you worried that I loved you
any less than ever--and I *swear* I thought I was stronger than it
was. I'm not, but you know it won't happen, it can't, after he's more
recovered, when he doesn't need me so much...?"

"Probably it won't," she said noncommittally, and shrugged. This was
starting to give me deja vu.

"Can't you tell me...what do you feel? What are you going to do?"

"I think...I'm going to forgive you. And I...feel..." she was staring
toward the bedroom door. "I think I feel sort of aroused."

I almost fell over. "What?" I muttered weakly.

"I know. I don't feel...I guess it's just that this situation is
so...so extreme, and so unusual...the way I'd normally feel about
something like this just doesn't seem to apply. It's all too
horrible...nothing about it seems completely real. He needs you more
than anybody else alive could possibly need you right now. He'd be
under a restraining field somewhere without you."

"Unfortunately I've had to accept that that's true." I went and sat
down next to her. "I love him, Keiko. I can't leave him to that.
Please try to understand, if you can...it'll make one of us."

She patted my knee and was quiet a long time.

"How are you and the kids getting on?" I asked in a small voice.

"Oh, fine," she said offhandedly. "Nerys has been great. She offered
to come back and stay with us. I said no, but I think I'm going to
change my mind."

"Are you going to tell her? About me with Julian."

"Are you crazy? She'd come over here and knock your head in."

"She is sort of protective of you, but I doubt she'd go that far. In
any case, we'd probably better not tell anyone except Julian's
therapists. For his sake, I mean. He's not right. I don't want
anything he does while he's like this held up to him later."

"No. That wouldn't be fair." Then we were both quiet again; I finally
moved to lift her into my lap, and she cooperated, then sighed.
"Miles...try not to hurt yourself any more over this, if you can help
it. I'm giving myself the same advice. Julian's hurt enough for
everybody."

"I don't deserve you, Keiko."

"Maybe not, but Julian deserves *you*, while he needs you."

There was a stirring in the bedroom. "Oops." Before I could set Keiko
down, Julian appeared in the doorway. At least he hadn't screamed for
me the second his eyes were open--he came looking instead. I supposed
I could take that as a good sign. Another one was that he'd thought
to pull a pair of pajama pants on instead of just bolting off in
search of me.

He saw Keiko and me, and stopped, regarding us. "Hello, Julian,"
Keiko said, with a bit of tremor in her voice.

Julian walked slowly across the room to us, and sank down on his
haunches in front of us, gazing steadily at Keiko. She looked back at
him gamely, with the occasional flicker of a glance at me, as if to
ask what was happening, or what she should do, but I had no answer
for either thing.

He reached up and touched her cheek. I held my breath; I hadn't seen
him respond to anyone but me like this, and he certainly hadn't
touched anyone else voluntarily to this point. I think Keiko realized
that too; she held very still and tried to look encouraging.

Finally he lowered his head with a sigh and whispered "I'm sorry."

"Julian, no, it's all ri--" he was already heading for the bedroom
again; he'd vanished before she could finish. She looked at me.
"He...realizes? That what you and he..."

"I don't think he was apologizing for that. I think...from the way he
was acting, he wanted very badly to believe that you were real, like
I am. But he couldn't."

She swallowed. "Oh, Miles...poor Julian..."

"Aye, love. Poor Julian."

---

I'd conceded to Garak's insistence on seeing Julian enough to ask
Julian if he was interested in the idea. He didn't seem to have an
opinion one way or the other; on occasion, he still wouldn't answer
me. I told Garak to come ahead.

The door chimed and I called "Come," after getting out from under
Julian, who, having been so thoroughly encouraged, had decided to
stop fooling around and *really* get affectionate. I couldn't turn
around without bumping into him, and I couldn't sit down without
getting swamped. I don't think I need to explain what happened
whenever we went to bed.

Not that I'm complaining.

The door opened; Garak came in and stopped just inside the door.
"Chief," he said grimly to me. "How are you feeling, Doctor?"

He didn't answer; his gaze had become fixed, and he'd gone very still.

Garak looked back at me. "I assume I shouldn't be offended?"

"No, you shouldn't. He doesn't see any point talking to you, is all.
He doesn't think you're real."

Julian looked at me while I spoke, then back at Garak. "Hello,
Garak," he whispered. His gaze dropped then to the floor.

I raised my brows and said "I stand corrected. Well, partly. He does
talk to people sometimes. Sorry about discussing you over your head,
Julian, but you won't do it yourself."

"His voice?" Garak asked.

"At first I thought he'd screamed it to nothing, until I heard him
scream again when we got him back. Telnori and I both think something
might have...been done to him if he made any unauthorized sounds.
Then again, he might just have so thoroughly refused to make any
sound under whatever goad they used on him that he can't bring
himself to speak aloud, or even that he thinks an elaborate deception
is going on, and he refuses to cooperate with it. He might think he's
being recorded, have his words reconstructed into a confession of
some kind, or something else he doesn't want them to have. He
wouldn't eat, either, at first."

"So you said." Garak came and sat down across from Julian. "I'm
afraid I have some disturbing news."

"Maybe you'd better just give it to me, then."

"In one sense, it might relieve Julian's mind, as it did mine; in
another, you and I will be undergoing considerable anguish over it
for some time. Chief...it's as I suspected all along. Mila was never
captured. She's alive and well at a location I won't, for obvious
reasons, disclose. The information I received was false, intended to
bring me back into Dukat's reach. I'm sure he was quite annoyed to
get the Doctor instead...and no doubt quite surprised to lose him
again. I'm sure next time he'll try to lure into his clutches someone
with less loyal friends."

"That's why you wouldn't go yourself at first, then."

"That and my originally stated reason--even if they did have Mila,
the circumstances under which she was being held completely precluded
my having any chance to rescue her. Frankly I'm surprised they didn't
make it look more possible to reach her; perhaps there was an error
along the line. Though if I'd had any idea...I might have asked your
assistance and taken the chance, Chief. I would have said your rescue
of the Doctor would be as impossible a feat."

"It very nearly wasn't possible. The breaks went my way only just
often enough." I sighed, rubbing my face with both hands. "So he went
through it for nothing."

"I'm afraid so."

I was still a moment, then felt the blood rush into my head and
jumped up, striding across the room to bruise my knuckles on the
wall. "DAMN it! Damn Dukat and damn the Obsidian Order and damn you,
too, Garak, and damn Julian for being such a blind mulchheaded STUPID
arrogant--" I got a listen to myself and managed to choke it down.
They were both quiet.

"I'm sorry. Both of you," I said after a few breaths.

"Quite understandable," Garak said quietly. "I must admit I felt
exactly the same way on discovering what the Doctor had done. And
something similar on finding you'd left without me."

"Another man'd only have been in my way. Besides, they'd likely just
have shot me, unless, on the off chance, someone recognized me. You
they'd take alive at any cost."

"Quite correct. Nevertheless, as you pointed out, it *was* my
carelessness that allowed the Doctor access to the information that
started this whole series of events."

"Odd thing, you to want to have gone, a man as obsessed with survival
as you are."

"One must have something to survive *for*, mustn't one, Chief?"

I looked over at him. "Him, for instance? He's worth that much to
you?"

"That...depends on my mood."

"I know what you mean." I collapsed back to the sofa. Julian draped
himself on me. Garak's brow went up.

"Um...he does this," I said brilliantly. "Seems to reassure him he's
real."

"I spoke with Dr. Guirani about his...various convictions, or lack
thereof. I must say, knowing what I know, that I'm not surprised that
he's like this. What does surprise me is that he is able to believe
in even *one* thing."

"That's right. I imagine you've turned out quite a number of him in
your day," I said, regretting I'd let him come. I wasn't fond of
Cardassians in general at the moment and ones like him I particularly
hated.

"Actually," he said after a moment, "my special genius was always the
ability to achieve the desired results without inflicting any sort of
physical harm on the subject."

"Subject. Right. Mental harm, though..."

"Nor that either, if there was any way to avoid it. As you may find
it fairly easy to believe...I excelled at trickery and misdirection.
I seldom found it necessary to employ harsher methods."

"Well bloody good on you."

"Perhaps I should take my leave. Doctor, I only wanted to thank
you...and express my sincere regret for what you've gone through. All
else I can say is, I heartily wish you had spared yourself this." As
he stood, he started to reach for Julian's shoulder.

"Garak, don't--" I couldn't reach out and stop him, Julian was in the
way--and Julian once again moved so fast I was stunned. I know how to
fight a Cardassian hand-to-hand. Julian has only a rough idea and no
practice. But Garak--the assassin--went down, hard, from nothing more
than an open-handed blow below the breastbone from the heel of
Julian's hand. I don't know who was more shocked, Garak or me. Julian
got up off me and pretty much fled to the bedroom, letting the door
close behind him.

I got up and held a hand out to Garak. "Got your wind yet?"

He wheezed, but took my hand and I pulled him to his feet.
Cardassians weigh a kiloton. Their bones, their hide, everything is
heavier. I said "I thought you knew he won't let anyone touch him but
me."

"Dr. Guirani left me with a different impression, though it was one I
was very surprised to receive. I *should* have known. In any case,
Chief...I would appreciate it if you would keep me informed of
his...progress, when there is any such."

"I will." And I would, for Julian's sake. Garak was important to him;
if he were right up top, he'd have wanted me to do it. Garak did as
he'd said and took his leave.

I went to Julian. He was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the
bed, staring down at the hands clasped in his lap.

"You all right?" I asked quietly.

"Don't do that again."

"I'm sorry?"

He looked up toward the port, then toward the ceiling, and I realized
he hadn't been talking to me as he snapped--full voice--"I don't care
what you do, I won't play along! If you want to torture me with
Garak, you'll have to do it the hard way!"

I nearly wet myself.

He had tensed up, arms wrapped around his knees, holding on to
himself, forehead resting on one hand where it gripped the leg. I sat
down and put an arm around him, and he leaned into me. He took my
hand and pressed his mouth to it, making himself small in my arms,
and whispered into my palm "Miles...if it...if it was...tell him I'm
sorry?"

I held him tight. "I will, you can believe it. I'll tell him. You
don't have to see him again if it hurts you so. You don't have to see
anyone you don't want to." Except the people who are going to treat
you, I qualified mentally. I had a feeling they wouldn't make him any
happier than Telnori did.

---

I reached for the first woman's hand and shook it. "I'm Chief
O'Brien. Thanks for coming."

"Benjamin Sisko, the Doctor's CO," the Captain said, shaking her hand
too. She was a tall woman, thin for a Bolian. She smiled at us and
said "Jhilon, cognitive neurology, Mercy station. These are my
colleagues, Shanara Ness and Shisuko Kumio." The Captain and I
exchanged greetings with them. Jhilon introduced a couple of other
people, explained as technicians there to help them put their
equipment together. "Where is our stuff, by the way?"

"Your personal bags have been sent to your quarters. Your equipment
should be on its way to the infirmary. Is that where you'll be
setting up?"

Ness, who was obviously Betazoid--if her eyes were any bigger and
blacker there wouldn't have been room in her head for her brain--
"Another location might be better. From the information Dr. Guirani
sent us, Doctor Bashir doesn't react well to people too near him, and
we certainly can't afford to shut down your infirmary to anyone else."

"Would his quarters do?" I asked.

"We'll need some autonomous power supplies, but if there's room, that
should be fine," Kumio said. She described the sorts of space and
support equipment they'd need; I called Oliphant, my second--she was
running things at the moment, with Jadzia's occasional assistance and
mine--to take care of it for her.

We started off. "Will we see Doctor Guirani and Counselor Telnori
before we meet the Doctor? There are some points we need to clarify,"
Ness asked.

"They'll be meeting us in the infirmary," Sisko said.

"I'm going to be leaving you at the habitat ring--I promised Julian I
wouldn't be long," I said. "But Counselor Ness? There are
some...things not in any of the reports, that Telnori doesn't know
yet. I'll need to speak with you both before you see Julian."

She nodded. "We appreciate anything you can tell us, Chief."

I wondered how much she--and Telnori, to whom I hadn't yet
spoken--were really going to "appreciate" what I had to tell them.

---

Ness and Telnori came by that evening, after having consulted with
Guirani; I made sure Julian was thoroughly occupied with the holovid
before conducting them both into the bedroom. He watched us go,
looking amused.

"Sorry, I know it's not exactly a proper meeting spot, but under the
circumstances..."

Telnori said "Don't worry about it, Miles. I've briefed the Counselor
on Julian's case; you said you had some things to add?"

"Um...you may have noticed he's been calmer the last few days."

"Yes, markedly. I noted it, with some hypotheses and projections, in
the material I sent Ness and her colleagues."

"I think I know what...why it is."

They both looked at me expectantly. I remembered how easy it had been
to get uncomfortable topics across to Counselor Troi--the way she
acted, I'm like a constant deafening telepathic broadcast, can't keep
anything under wraps. Well, I guess I'm like that in general. In any
case, I just looked at her helplessly.

She seemed to understand what I was about at once; she folded her
hands and gazed back at me...then raised an eyebrow. "Have you always
felt this way?"

I felt uncertainty roil my head and she said "I understand. Tel, the
Chief is having a very difficult time with what he has to tell us. Do
you mind if I help him with it and then tell you?"

"Be my guest. Sometimes when his face would flush up toward the
purple stages I've wished *I* could help him out that way."

She looked back at me. "You've acted on it, then." I must have given
her some kind of an affirmative, because she continued at once "How
are you with it? I understand you're married." She seemed to be
listening intently for a moment, nodding, her eyes unfocused--though
black as they were it was hard to see it. "Yes, I see. I suggest,
then, that you try not to expend your energy on guilt--when the
situation is not so intense, so crucial, there'll be plenty of time
to deal with the ramifications, though Telnori will probably want to
see...her name...to see Keiko in the meantime. Is there anything you
wanted to ask me?"

Yes, mostly was I six kinds of a bastard, taking advantage of a
terribly hurt man, or was I being selfless and heroic--and something
like that, some jumble of it anyway, ran through my head, and she
said "I'm afraid it isn't that simple, Chief. But I think, judging by
the level of self-admonition and anguish you're putting yourself
though over it, the scales are heavily in favor of your being more
concerned for Julian than for yourself--more interested in giving him
what he needs than in making sure there's nothing for you to be
morally called on, and that you won't have to deal with the
ramifications to your marriage. In that sense, Chief, it's a
sacrifice you're making for him. Perhaps if you were another man, I
wouldn't describe it that way...but another man probably wouldn't
have staged a one-man assault on a fully staffed Cardassian outpost
in Cardassian space to retrieve the Doctor, either."

"I'd like to believe that. The first part, that is."

"I think you can. You should try, at least."

"It's true he didn't speak--really speak, in full voice, until after
we'd...until after we had, scared as he was of...something, when he
did it. And the morning after, he actually giggled at me for a full
five minutes, for being dead to the world when the Captain tried to
comm me."

Telnori raised his eyebrows. "What's been so helpful?"

"He and Doctor Bashir have been making love," Ness said
matter-of-factly. I wanted to shrink into a small embarrassed ball.

Telnori only nodded, saying "Ah, of course. I suspected they might
get to that, but I thought it would upset the Chief to say so."

"Well I bloody well wish you *had*," I spluttered. "Do you know how
I've been ripping my hair out the last few weeks?"

"My making any point of it might have driven you away from the Doctor
when he still needed you, Miles," Telnori said soothingly. "Though
you could have told me how you felt. I might have been able to help
you sort your feelings and your reasons into something you could
handle, understand better. In any case, it's a moot point now. This
*is* significant, you know."

"You described a very common symptom," Ness said. "He was terrified
of comforting feelings, pleasant sensations. Some people never get
completely over that phenomenon, and that he has, while he's still so
distrustful of everything--but you--is remarkable."

"It does seem to need to be associated with me, some way," I pointed
out, and she nodded again. "That's logical, under the circumstances,
too. He *does* find your lovemaking as pleasurable as you do, I take
it?"

I thought about having to cover his mouth with my hand about a dozen
times an hour because of the lousy soundproofing on this station, and
she narrowly avoided smirking. "*That's* a yes." She cleared her
throat--I guess the mental picture I had of the look on Julian's face
while he bucked so hard in my arms we both nearly went over the bed's
edge was a little more information than she was looking for.

"Um, sorry."

"Chief, compared to some of the things I see every day in my work,
that was a cheery hello from the Pleasure Goddess of Rixx." She
grinned at me. I couldn't help smiling back.

I said in a small voice "Um...I didn't think there was any real need
for any of his other therapists to know. It's not me I'm worried
about..."

"No, there isn't any need," she assured me. "Jhilon will be guided by
my findings with the Doctor, and Shisuko by hers. They're here to
effect treatment; it's my job--and Tel's--to determine how effective
that treatment is and in what directions it should be taken at any
given point."

"Good, then," I said. "No one knows but him and me--and my wife, like
you saw--and now you two. I'd like to keep it that way for his sake."

"My records and Telnori's will have to reflect everything that
occurred and had any effect on him," Ness said, "but I think we can
keep it out of his medical record, or anything else anyone might have
reason to see. It's a significant development to us, of course, but
to anyone else it's really his private business."

"When will you be starting with him?"

"We can get set up tomorrow morning, if that's all right with you and
him. I'll need to meet with him first, though it might not come to
much," Ness said.

I nodded and we headed back for the front room. I stopped dead. All
of us looked at each other, and I sighed. "I think you'd better go.
I'll never get him out of that corner if there's anyone else here."

"He's having a memory saturation," Ness said softly. "What's
sometimes called a flashback."

"I know. Sometimes he'll stay curled up like that for hours, even
after it's over, trying to hide from it. I'll contact you in the
morning to let you know when it's safe to come start setting up."

"Right, Chief," Ness nodded. "Let me say one thing--most people,
adults, at least, and many children--who have been traumatized the
way he has, aren't lucky enough to have someone as loyal and patient
as you are to keep caring for them, no matter how draining it gets.
You're a rare soul."

"Aye, well. So is he." I felt my heart thud with love of him, and
Ness laid her hand on my shoulder a moment before they both went out.

I shut off the holo, went to Julian, and sat down with him. I knew
better than to ask him to tell me what it was; I remembered how
insane, not to mention viciously cruel, I had found Telnori at first,
for insisting I think and talk about such unbelievable horror. It had
seemed to me to be a game to him, even to Julian sometimes. In any
case, it wasn't my job to force him to relive what had happened. I
only wanted to make him feel better now, and I did know how to do
that.

"Love," I whispered to him as I put my arms around him, though I
didn't try to move him or change his position at all. "I'm here." It
was all I could do, but I guess that was enough, since it was all he
wanted. At that moment, it was all he could take.

---

I remember clear as a bell the first time he looked at me and I
recognized the man I've spent the better portion of my free time with
for the last five years or so. He got out of the chair--getting him
into the blasted thing had been an experience; finally Jhilon had to
trank him, and I couldn't blame him in the slightest--and touched his
head, looking around like he'd never seen the room before. It *was*
full to bursting with the chair, the equipment surrounding it, and a
specialized biobed.

"Doctor?" Jhilon said. "How do you feel?"

"Odd," he said, softly, but in what could be considered a normal tone
of voice. He looked up and met my eyes, confused and disoriented, but
recognizably Julian. I remember a painful surge of hope and a
crushing sense of loss at the sight. He said "Miles? Have...have I
been ill?"

"What do you remember?" Ness asked him. She looked at me, and I
reached for him, guiding him to a seat on the couch.

"I remember doing an extremely stupid thing," he whispered. Then he
looked up at me. "And you doing an even stupider one. You should have
known better, Miles. Do you think it would be any help to me to die
knowing I'd got you killed, too?"

"I didn't plan on getting killed," I told him softly.

"What's been happening? I remember, but it's...it doesn't really hold
together..." he was whispering again, and his gaze was starting to
come unfocused.

"We've been giving you intensive neurocognitive treatments to help
you get your perspective back in order," Jhilon said. "I'm afraid
it's going to scatter your recent memories a little, but you weren't
improving; we didn't have a choice."

"Am I...have I--how far along are the treatments?"

"Not very. This is the first day. Do you remember?"

"Yes. I think I...I think so. Miles." He looked at me again, and my
heart sank when I saw he was beginning to lose that animation and
personality again. Only the first full treatment, I told myself
firmly. It's going to take some time. "I remember you've been here
with me. Thank you."

"It's no chore at all, lo--Julian."

Ness and Telnori needed to talk with him then; I stayed, but I
removed myself to the other end of the room, sort of behind an
equipment bank, at the desk terminal. Jhilon and Kumio busied
themselves with taking readings on their equipment and making
adjustments and calibrations, giving the counselors privacy, for all
practical purposes, with Julian.

"Are you feeling more centered now?" Ness asked him.

"I think so. I was, for a few moments...I can tell..." he only had on
the tank shirt over his uniform trousers and boots, and he ran his
hands down his own arms. "I think I can believe that I, at least,
am...am here."

"Think about the rest of the station. Your people in the infirmary,
your friends and coworkers..."

"All right."

"Do they seem real to you, too?"

"Not so much as I do, no. They...they run together a bit. Except for
Miles. Everything runs a little...it's...hard to keep it all
straight...and it's hard to remember why I should bother to try."

"That's normal. We've only just begun this particular therapy; it
won't be complete for at least a week, and that's only Jhilon and
Shisuko's--your cognitive neurologist and the medical engineer, back
over there--that's only their part. You and I, and Tel here, are
going to have our work cut out for us for quite a while."

"It does sound that way."

"How do you feel about us all being here? Any serious feelings of
anxiety?"

"There would be if Miles weren't here. Since he is, no."

"May I hold your hand a moment?"

There was a short silence; I was watching the computer screen, but my
ears were all on Julian. In a moment, Ness said "Does that feel any
more or less real to you than you do?"

"I don't like it," he said in a choked voice.

"All right," she said, and I suppose she let go of him. "Can you tell
us what about it you didn't like?"

"Your skin, it...it's very soft."

"It was a pleasant sensation, then?"

"I don't know. I think...I was starting to believe...I don't want to
be touched, to...feel..."

"In my being here, being real? Not a trick or an illusion?"

"I wanted to believe that, but I *can't*..."

"I understand. Well, Tel and I will let you rest a while now; we
won't be doing another treatment until tomorrow, you need time for
the pathways to settle and you're still recovering from Guirani's
treatments; also Jhilon and Shisuko need time to correlate their data
and check their findings with Dr. Guirani. We'll see you in the
morning?"

"I doubt I'm going anywhere," he murmured in what sounded like a
genuine attempt at humor, even if on the dark side.

When they'd all cleared out about fifteen minutes later--they had to
finish gathering their data from the equipment--I got up and
approached him, carefully. I had no idea how he was going to take
what had been going on between us now that he was getting something
like his normal perspective back--getting a start on it, at least.

He looked up at me, then away again, then pulled his boots off,
pulled his legs up beneath him on the couch and held his arms out to
me. In a wave of relief I thought would knock me cold, I collapsed
next to him and pulled him close.

"You've been so lovely, Miles," he whispered against my ear, "but how
is Keiko?"

"Terrified for you, and floating in a sense of unreality, like we all
seem to be, over this. She knows. I don't think she's exactly all
right with it, but she's not angry, either. She's too upset for you
to be too worried for herself, I think."

"How are you?"

"I'm worried for you, too. Worried for all of us, but that's my job
around here, it seems."

"But how do you feel?"

"Guilty and ashamed, I'm afraid, for a lot of reasons, but there's
nothing I would have done differently even if I could. I would never
wish this on you, I'd do anything to make it not have happened, but I
never knew...how I could feel about you. Now that I do, I don't have
the faintest idea what I'm going to do about it. After you...after
you're stronger, don't need me so much, what's been happening won't
be any more, and I can't help...I can't help regretting that, even
though I know it's the only way things can possibly be."

He caressed my cheek, and I was stunned to realize the Julian who was
looking in my eyes was the one I'd always known. A bit hazy and out
of touch, but he was in there. He was real, had some kind of distant,
removed grasp on who he had been. "Will you still let me touch you
sometimes? After...after the treatments are all over, I mean. Nothing
you don't feel right about, of course. I think being close to you is
always going to feel comforting, after this."

"I'd like nothing better, but I thought..."

"I do have a side in this, too. I never knew how I could feel about
you, either. Promise you'll still tell me you love me every now and
again. It's been far too long since anyone said that to me."

"God, Julian, every day if you want."

"Well, maybe not quite that often. It would make it even harder to
remember you're married, and we can't be like I might want."

"Julian, don't say these things now. You're still very ill. Wait
until the treatments have progressed farther."

"If you like." He kissed me then. When we separated, he gazed around
the room a moment. "This place looks like you're all trying to
rebuild me from scratch. I haven't seen this much medical hardware
crammed into such a small space since Edigion Prime."

"Edigion Prime?"

"Nothing, love, make that the medical bay on the Defiant."

---

A couple of nights later, he woke me with the sound of his quiet
sobbing. I reached for him, pulling him in close and stroking his
hair. "Here, love, use my shoulder, not some anonymous pillow."

He did, weeping quietly on me for a while. I didn't know what to
think about it; it wasn't the desperate sobs that'd racked him fit to
shake him apart, that I'd had to hold him through before; he seemed
quite coherent...just heartbreakingly sad.

"Do you want to tell me?" I asked after he was quiet. The more his
gyros steadied and he was willing to risk believing in things, the
more willing he'd been to talk about Alur Six, though mostly with
Ness and Telnori; me just a bit, though. I didn't mind; he had to go
over everything for the counselors, and I completely understood not
wanting to have to haul his bleeding soul across the same burning
coals and broken glass more than once. As far as I knew, he hadn't
told me anything he hadn't told them.

"They had a young Bajoran woman in the cell next to mine. We could
talk to each other through the ventilation system. I think they let
us, deliberately, so that they could hurt us with each other. I can't
bear remembering what they did to her, Miles. I can't bear it. I
can't live with these thoughts."

"Poor love," I whispered. "It will get easier. Never easy, no. I'll
never forget things I've seen, things that made me feel life was
completely pointless if such evil was allowed to exist in the
universe, but eventually you'll be able to focus on what good there
is, at least most of the time. I know it seems impossible. But there
*are* real things in the universe besides horror."

He just lay quiet against me then, until I realized he'd fallen back
to sleep. I laid there thinking every kind of vicious imprecation
there is against the monsters who had done this to him, and of what
they'd done to the girl he befriended. What they did to her had to
hurt someone like him worse than anything they did to Julian himself.

---

He called Garak the day before the last scheduled day of treatments
and arranged to meet with him at the replimat. I was completely up in
arms about it, especially since he wanted to go alone; even Ness and
Telnori didn't think it was a good idea, but eventually they decided
that if he felt he could handle it--though he *was* still extremely
fragile, and would be for a good while yet--he should be allowed to
try. I had words with them about it, but when it came to it, it was
their call, not mine.

I paced like a caged lion over the two or three meters of free floor
space in front of the couch most of the time that he was gone. Ness
waited with me. I think she was considering scheduling some time with
me, too, but we didn't talk much just then.

The door opened and he came in, walking slowly, expression distant.
He came in far enough for the door to close and paused; I came up to
him and took his shoulders. "Are you all right?"

He looked at me, then took the couple of steps to the biobed and
leaned against it, head bowing. "Shanara," he said softly, "could you
leave us alone for a while? I'll tell you all about it at our next
session tomorrow."

She considered us, her eyes getting that
I'm-not-looking-quite-right-at-you waver they did when she was
concentrating on what she was hearing and sensing telepathically; she
nodded then, and left without a word.

"I want to tell you some things about why I went after Mila," he said
to me then.

"Right, I'm listening."

He was quiet then, though, and braced his hands on the biobed as
though about to jump up on it; he looked unsteady, so I gave him a
boost up, then got up and sat next to him. I knew better than to try
to prompt him; I put an arm around him and waited.

"You didn't know everything about my relationship with Garak," Julian
said. "As far as I'm aware, no one knew, though I very nearly told
you, more than once. Garak and I were lovers for a time."

Blown damn near into next week, all I could do was sit there. Finally
I managed to stammer "When? I mean...for how long?"

"A little over two years. It's been over for...about two and a half,
now."

"Julian...how could you have--not only kept something like that from
me, but...*him*? Garak? You, a doctor, with him?"

"I suspected you'd react that way, Miles, that's why I didn't tell
you, and yes, me with him."

I could hardly think. I managed "Do...did you love him?"

"I desired him almost past the point of reason, I can tell you that.
Whether I loved him, I'm still not sure. He's a...he's incredibly
intense, you can see that much. He only gets more intense the closer
you get to him. He overwhelmed me, I...he was definitely in charge in
the relationship. Oh, nothing as terribly overbearing as you're
probably thinking; he treated me respectfully, always. But I still
felt almost at his mercy. How I felt about him, the things that came
over me when I was near him, were more than I could handle. I hadn't
felt the way I did since I was a teenager, and almost never then,
either. I'm not going to try to go into the reasons I felt what I did
did for him, not right now, perhaps another time..."

"And did he love you?"

"He never said those words. He'd tell me he needed me, that he
couldn't and wouldn't live without me. He said I was the most
captivating creature he'd ever known. He made love to me with a
passion I thought a few times was going to kill me, maybe kill us
both, especially whenever I lost control and responded in kind--I'm
sorry, Miles, I know this is upsetting to you." I'd jumped down from
the biobed and sort of wobbled over and crashlanded against the
viewport.

"I just can't believe it. You and that...that vicious..."

He was quiet, waiting. Finally I turned around to face him, rested my
back on the port and folded my arms. "Right, then, I'm through now.
Go on."

"Believe it or not, I had the same problems with the entire business
that you're feeling right now. When my own moral reservations finally
threatened to ruin my stability, when too much of my life was too
affected by what was between us, I knew I had to end it, and I tried
to. He convinced me to wait. He made me believe that he wanted to
make things tolerable for me, do whatever would keep me with him. So
I stayed, but there was only so much he could do. He couldn't stop
being who he was, any more than I could stop being myself. Finally I
could see that there was no making a stable situation out of it, that
it would always take far more out of me than it gave back to me, no
matter how intoxicating it all was...that's not a bad analogy,
actually. He was my addiction, and he threatened to ruin my life as
any unhealthy addiction would. And as far as threatening, too, he did
threaten me, at the last, and it nearly intimidated me into...well.
Suffice it to say that as traumatic as ending things was for me, it
was far more so for him, though he'd never have admitted that. I
knew, though. I couldn't help but know."

I nodded. "I'm following you. So you felt you owed it to him to
rescue this friend of his, get yourself tortured to death for her
sake, because you broke that pitiless amoral bastard's heart? Do you
know how that sounds?"

"Yes. Crazy. But Mila wasn't Garak's friend, Miles, or not only that.
She's his mother."

Struck dumb yet again, I could only stand there with my eyes like a
couple of tennis balls, threatening to roll out of my head.

"I can't justify it, Miles, not at all. I suppose...I was a little
out of my mind. He still has...still has a hold on me, he probably
always will, in one way or another. When it comes to him I'm *not*
rational...though I can definitely tell you, I had no idea I was
still capable of something like what I did, not after all this
time..." I finally looked up at him as he continued "You weren't any
more sane than I, in coming after me, were you?"

"I stood a snowball's chance, Julian, at the least. You didn't. You
don't have my experience or my knowledge."

"That's a pretty weak argument, in view of how bad the odds were for
absolutely anyone."

"Right, we won't argue that. Fine, we were both oversentimental
idiots." I was quiet then; so was he. Finally I stepped back over to
him and took his hands. "How'd it go, then? How do you feel about it
now? About him?"

"I don't know..." the look on his face was tortured, sad, vulnerable;
I let go of his hands and put my arms around him. "I think...this has
given me what I need to be free of him, finally. He'll always have
some hold on me, on my emotions...but I'll never do anything like
that again. I'll never feel guilty for ending our relationship again.
I have myself back, finally, but I'm not sure *he'll* ever be free of
*me*, and I hate the pain I cause him, Miles. I just don't see what
there is to be done."

"There isn't anything you can do, you're right. It's going to have to
be his problem. And I'm not saying that just because I don't care for
him--I know how you feel about him--but you already know as well as I
do it can't ever have been, and what there was of it is over. He's as
capable of recovering from a jilting as anyone else, and it isn't
your responsibility to make him happy just because he fancies you."
My mind was still swirling, but I couldn't hold this against him; I
knew he hadn't excused the things Garak had done, had torn himself up
about being so close to such a man. I suppose my loving Julian so, I
was excusing *him*, a little, but I thought he deserved it. He'd just
been an idealistic bloody damn kid crazy in love; how could I expect
Julian, of all people, to maintain his perspective in a situation
like that?

I leaned back and looked at him. "Maybe the most unbelievable thing
about all this is that Garak *ever* had a mother," I said wryly.

He smiled at me and looked away. "You don't think the less of me for
it?"

"You'd have to go crazy on the Promenade with a compression rifle set
at sixteen before I could manage to think the less of you."

He took my hand and pressed a kiss into my palm. "I don't deserve
you."

I smiled. "Keiko thinks you do. And she knows about these things." I
sobered again and asked him "And Garak? How's he?"

He considered. "I think he's all right. Or he will be. He said, it,
finally. That he loves me. He wouldn't even say those words to keep
me with him, but he said them two and a half years later, when I
tried to save his mother."

I had to admit I was having a few doubts about my opinions of Garak.
But only a few.

---

I'd been allowed back to regular duty for just under a week; Julian
was still on medical leave. He and I had both been slapped with stiff
reprimands, but it never came to pressed charges for either of us. If
the Cardassian government had chosen to take the opportunity for free
propaganda and an easily justifiable counterstrike on one of our
bases, I'd probably never have seen the light of day again,
considering I'd utterly destroyed the Alur six base and retaliation
would likely have been in kind...though I'm willing to bet they'd
have sent more than one operative. But for whatever reason--my guess
is intervention by the Vorta for some reason of the Dominion's
own--it was, instead, hushed up.

I was a little startled to find that Dax had buried, in computer red
tape, the starfortress's worth of arms and equipment I'd pilfered. I
started to ask her about it, and she'd just laid her finger over my
lips and shushed me, then grinned and gone about her business. She'd
already thanked me more than once for bringing Julian back.

Julian was seeing Telnori every other day, and he was on the same
medication he'd given me after Argratha. I was still spending a lot
of time with him, but a good deal of it now was in my quarters with
Keiko and the children. At the moment, I was walking back with him to
his place one evening, after we'd put Molly and Yoshi to bed, and
then had a late dinner with Keiko.

"Everything back to normal around home, seems like," he was saying.
"Except that Keiko's still hovering over me as though I'll faint if
the breeze blows."

"You were so hurt, lad. It's no wonder."

"I suppose...I do still miss you, when I wake at night. It's like I
said. I think I'm always going to associate your presence with
feeling centered. And safe."

"Remember that next time you talk me into that bloody eyepatch and
I've got a .22 trained on your head."

"How like you to ruin a tender moment," he chuckled at me.

"If you're interested in getting tender, let's wait 'til we get to
your place."

He looked over at me suddenly. I kept looking casual for the benefit
of anyone who might be watching.

"All right, then," he murmured; in another couple of minutes we'd
reached his quarters. I followed him in. He went straight to the
couch and looked expectantly back at me. I sat down next to him...and
we threw ourselves on each other, him latching on around my neck and
me pulling him partway into my lap, as we'd grown used to sitting
together. For a moment we just held each other crushingly close, not
even breathing.

Finally his grip loosened a little, and we moved apart just enough
for our mouths to touch. Our lips brushed, pressed, held warmly
together, soft and sweet and clinging. I felt it all the way to the
soles of my boots, with some dizzying stops along the way. Judging by
the shuddering sigh that came from him, he was feeling it, too.

"Miles," he breathed when he finally could. "I can't believe it took
what happened to me before we saw this."

"I've never spent so long fencing with anyone."

"I thought you enjoyed it. I did."

"Oh, I loved it, hated the way you kept coming out on top more than I
did, though."

"Shall I make the obvious comment?"

"Now who's ruining the moment?"

He kissed me again. "Stay, Miles, please."

"I haven't checked with Keiko..."

"Tell her the truth--that I can't face the thought of waking up alone
tonight." We paused in nuzzling at each other, and our gazes locked;
his eyes stroked me, all through me and past the beyond of my soul.
"Oh, that's not fair," I whispered, and pulled him close again. "I
didn't tell you I loved you yesterday, did I?"

"Not that I recall."

"That means I can say it now?"

"Oh, throw caution to the wind. Say it any time the mood takes you. I
love you, too. Are you staying?"

"Yes."

"Then Keiko *is* all right?"

"She suggested I walk you. Thinks you've been looking scattery."

"Well, give her a buzz on comm then, chat with her."

"I will in a moment." I leaned away from him again to meet his eyes.
"Someday, when you're recovered enough you really don't need this any
more, I'm going to have some damned mixed emotions about it."

"You're not the only one." He started on my uniform as I began work
unbuttoning the loose green shirt he was wearing. It was mine; that's
why it was loose. Half my things were still over here. I figured I'd
better do something about that. Any time, now...soon as I got to it...

---

The End