The BLTS Archive- Breathing Third in the Repercussions series by Astra (astraplain@yahoo.com) --- Note: After reading Robin Lawrie's brilliant, wrenching "Prior Consultation" I found myself compelled to understand what motivated her characters to make the choices they did. I wrote "Dancing" to explain why Beverly made the choices she did. But it wasn't enough. Robin's story just wouldn't get out of my head. So I wrote the following, a "just after" story from Beverly's pov. --- I've been awake for a while now, listening, pretending to still be asleep to buy myself a few more moments peace. Or should that be "pieces?" Like the shattered pieces of my life. I'm sure Deanna knows I'm awake, lying here with my eyes closed trying to pull myself back together. I won't pretend that I'm anxious to face her. I can hear the monitors around me, measuring my life signs, ensuring I feel no pain. What does a damned computer know? There's no physical pain, of course, the marvels of Federation medical science make sure of that. If only there were a hypospray that could heal the soul. I never intended for things to get so out of hand with Jean-Luc. After all these years you would think that I would know how to resist him. I never expected to weaken. I certainly never expected to conceive his child. A few minutes ago I heard Alyssa and Selar talking - pleased that I would be able to have more children if I wanted. If only they knew. They've bought me, what? A year? A month? A few days? There will be no more children carried within this body. I never would have removed the contraceptive implant if I wasn't sure of that. Why am I always proven wrong? I was so sure I couldn't keep it, that giving birth to that child would only cause sorrow; that a relationship with Jean-Luc would only bring pain. I won't allow myself to believe otherwise. Perhaps there is some part of me, some pathetic remnant of my youth that wanted what happened; a romantic fragment of my soul that craved the fairy tale - perfect lover, perfect child. There are no such things. I couldn't lose everything for the sake of that unformed being. I've had enough pain. I've brought far too much of it on myself by my own complicity. This time I had to be strong. I knew Will would betray me, though I desperately hoped that he wouldn't. It wasn't a betrayal, really. He thought he was helping, that he could bring Jean-Luc and I together the way everyone thinks we should be. If only they knew. I've had thirty years of close friendship with the man. I won't pretend that he's the paragon they all perceive him to be. I've seen that facade slip once too often, seen the suppressed rage he hides so well. I don't know why I was surprised that he finally directed that rage at me. We're the most intimate of adversaries. Locked between love and hate in a game we've been playing for decades. Sleeping together changed all the rules. There will be repercussions, of course. Out there, beyond Sickbay's doors, beyond the confines of this ship. They have such high expectations for Jean-Luc and I. They will never forgive me for forcing them to see the truth. If only... Deanna's coming. I wonder if she will be able to understand, or if she will be like them, demanding what I can't live up to. It doesn't really matter. What is done is done, and once again, I will pick up the pieces. I'm good at hiding my pain, at projecting a comfortable illusion. I will forgive Will for betraying my confidence. I will forgive Jean-Luc for his rage. I will even try to forgive myself for the alcohol and drug cocktail that nearly crippled me. I will forgive everything and move on. All I have to do is keep breathing. I can do that. --- The End