Archive of Our Own ^beta

"Brand New"
by Mona Ramsey
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when all the dark clouds roll away
and the sun begins to shine
I see my freedom from across the way
and it comes right in on time

"I can't believe it."

"Afraid you're going to miss all of that good hospital food?"

Blair shook his head, grimacing at the man behind him. "Very funny. I can't believe you sprung me, copper," he teased, in his best twenties- gangster accent. "I can't believe you're taking me in." He immediately started the protests that he'd been listing to Jim in the hospital, in the car, and up the stairs. "I shouldn't stay here. You've done so much already - "

"Blair, give it a rest, okay?" Jim said, putting up a hand. "You've said your part a hundred times, and so have I. You're staying here, and that's final. I'm hardly going to let you sleep n the street, am I?"

Even as the words echoed in the air between him, they both added to them. In Jim's mind he silently berated himself, /again/, while in Blair's were the words, /maybe you should/.

Blair shook off his momentary dark mood and plastered a smile on his face. He was out of the hospital after what felt like forever, and he wasn't about to ruin it now. And even though Jim had spent hours convincing him that he wouldn't be a bother, and that he wanted him to stay - the extra room was just empty storage space - there was a little twinge that told him he was glad. Even if nothing happened between them, at least he'd be there, and he'd get to see him every day. And maybe they could even be friends - real friends. "So, what are you making me for dinner? I'm starving."

"Sorry, Chief. You've moved in, so you're not a guest anymore. That means it's your turn to cook."

Blair stared at him in astonishment. Gone was the coddling, wary, careful caregiver-mode, and here was a man who expected him to pull his weight. Not only that, he was sure that Blair would be able to do it. The grin that appeared this time was genuine and delighted. "You've got it, Big Guy. Any fresh sprouts in that fridge?"

Jim made a face. "Never been a sprout in there, never will be."

Blair laughed. "Oh, well, we'll just have to settle for steak, then. Okay?"

Finally realizing he'd been teased, Jim laughed. "You drive a hard bargain, Blair."

well it shines so bright and it gives so much light
and it comes from the sky above
make me feel so free makes me feel like me
and lights my life with love

The dinner that night was good. Jim realized that he'd never eaten Blair's cooking only after the meal was over, but he didn't have anything to worry about. Blair insisted on doing all the cooking, and most of the housework, until he could find some work and contribute that way.

They'd discussed his options a lot over the weeks he was in the hospital. Technically, he'd been on a leave from the university, and no-one really knew what had happened to land him in the hospital. No criminal charges had ever been laid because there weren't any drugs found at the scene - "there weren't any left to find," Blair said, ruefully - so there was a chance that he could return to his teaching assistant's job. But his shrink and Jim both were encouraging him to wait until the start of the new semester to go back, to give both his body and his mind a chance to recover. He was attending individual and group therapy sessions with fellow addicts regularly, and he'd started to gain some of the weight he'd lost back. He was still painfully thin, but at least he started to get a little colour back. His hair, always a point of pride, had been dead and lifeless when Jim had found him collapsed in the house, and most of it had been cut off in the hospital, but it was growing back, too, curly and silky once again.

They sat listening to music after dinner, Jim sprawled across the couch, Blair propped up against it on the floor. They were sharing some of the herbal tea that had always reminded Jim of his first meeting with Blair - so much so that he hadn't had the heart to throw it out even after Blair left. He'd cleared all of the alcohol out of the place before Blair came in, wanting to shield him as much as possible from any temptation that might send him back to addiction. He'd even considered getting rid of the coffeepot, switching to the caffeine-free teas that were much better for him anyway.

"Do you think we're ever going to look back on this and laugh?" Blair asked.

"No."

"Me, neither." He paused, his next words so soft Jim had to quickly adjust his hearing to catch them. "Do you think you're ever going to be able to trust me again?"

"I do trust you, Blair," Jim said, idly brushing his hand over his hair. "The real question is: when do you think you're going to give yourself a break and start trusting yourself?"

Blair didn't have any answer.

and it seems like and it feels like
and it seems like and it feels like
a brand new day
a brand new day
I was lost and double crossed
with my hands behind my back
I was longtime hurt and thrown in the dirt
shoved out on the railroad track

It was not until a night several weeks after Blair moved in that Jim finally got part of the answer to his question. "Blair?"

Blair jumped, startled, and Jim realized that he'd been so caught up in his thoughts that he hadn't even heard him come downstairs. The record player was on, very low, but he'd heard it from up in his bed. He felt as though his hearing was increasing in acuteness day by day.

"Jim? What are you - " He stopped himself, suddenly. "Oh, man! How stupid can you get? I completely forgot about your senses! I woke you up, didn't I? I'm sorry, Jim. I'll turn it off and - "

"Blair, easy, it's fine." He smiled at Blair's running stream of explanation. "I couldn't sleep, anyway. I see it's contagious."

Blair nodded, and sat back down on the couch, curled up in one corner. Jim sat down at the opposite end. They listened to the music - one of Jim's favourite albums in his entire collection. "Good choice," he finally said, to break the conversational silence.

Blair nodded. "I've always liked it."

A few more minutes went by. Jim could sense a subtle tension in the man across from him, as if he were struggling with something very profound. Of course, that was to be expected, after all that he'd been through. He thought that maybe he should just leave him alone, to wrestle with his demons in his own way, but the protective part of him - the loving part of him - couldn't quite do it. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked, quietly.

Blair said nothing. He was twisting and untwisting a corner of the t-shirt he was wearing around one of his fingers, staring down intently at it. Jim moved closer and put his hand over Blair's, stopping him. He raised Blair's chin to see his eyes, startled to see the glitter of unshed tears.

"Please don't," Blair said, very low.

Jim dropped his hand away as quickly as if it had been slapped. "I'm sorry," he said, and pulled back. Blair continued to speak, still not looking at him.

"It's okay," he said, and Jim thought that he was forgiving him for the invasion of his space. But what Blair said next made him realize that he was wrong about what he thought was going on.

"It's okay for me to stay here, at least for a little while. And maybe I can even help you with your senses. But to have this little - " Blair faltered. "I don't know - this little tease of you touching me, and knowing that it's the closest that I'm ever going to be to you again - " He looked up, finally, his eyes anguished. "It's too hard. I can't do it. I can love you and it's okay. Maybe I'll even figure out how to get over you, someday, but you've got to help me with that. Just - " he grinned half-heartedly " - just yell at me once in a while, okay?"

"I can yell at you as much as you'd like, Blair," Jim said, slowly, "but only if you promise me that you won't figure out how to get over me."

It took Blair a few seconds before what Jim had said sank in. "But I - I don't understand - "

Tired of too many months of misunderstandings, of hurt and angry words, and finally, finally faced with the truth of what he'd been hoping for, Jim decided that there weren't any words that could possibly tell Blair what he wanted to hear more than his body could. He leaned in close, put his hands on the back of Blair's neck and drew him in for a kiss.

Instead of the resistance and shock that he'd been expecting, he felt the fire and hunger as Blair's need radiated over his body. Without breaking the kiss, he slipped off the couch, picked Blair up in his arms, and carried him upstairs.

I've been used, abused and so confused
and I had nowhere to run
but I stood and looked
and my eyes got hooked
on that beautiful morning sun
and it seems like and it feels like
and it seems like and it feels like
a brand new day
a brand new day

"Jim - Jim - " Blair was trying to speak between the torrent of kisses that Jim was showering on him. They'd somehow made it from the living room, up the stairs, and into the bedroom, their lips never separated for an instant. But he had to tell him - he had to, before anything happened, before he ruined it -

Had to tell him about the others, the ones that he'd tried to pretend could even come close to what Jim gave him, the other bodies that he'd consoled himself with when he couldn't bear to open his heart enough to Jim. Even though he knew that it would push him further away, he needed him to know, because he needed to give himself, whole, to this man that he loved so much. He could not lie to him anymore.

"Blair - shh." Jim kissed him again, deeply, taking his mouth. "Let me love you."

"Jim - " He pushed against him gently. He could barely think, he was so breathless. All he could do was feel, and he wanted more than anything to lay back and drown in those feelings. But he couldn't.

Jim was smiling at him, flushed, aroused, impatient. Blair looked at him, the smile slowly fading from his face, as it dawned on him -

Jim knew.

"Oh, my god." Blair couldn't bear to look at him, and tried to pull himself off the bed, but Jim's arms came around him, fast, holding him securely. "How? How can you even bear to look at me? How can you stand to touch me after what I've done to you?"

"Blair, you don't honestly think that you were the first man that I was with, do you? Because you weren't - "

"No, of course not," Blair said, almost angry. "But what I did, all of the terrible things that I did because I wanted you and I couldn't just admit it to myself! All of those nights that I just wasted! How can you just - just - " He couldn't continue.

"Love you?" Jim whispered.

The tears falling freely down his face, Blair nodded.

"Oh, Blair - I've never stopped loving you. I've loved you from the first moment that I talked to you at the university - do you remember? You were the only one who would talk to me. I waited an hour and a half for you to come out of that lecture hall, just so I could get a chance to see you again.

"And the first night that we made love - my god, Blair, you were so beautiful to me, so trusting. I wanted to love you so badly - "

"And I wouldn't let you."

"You were scared. It was new for you, and it was crazy of me to expect you to just accept me."

"I didn't know how, Jim. I wanted it, I wanted you - I just didn't know how to let you love me. I didn't know how to let you know how much I loved you."

"So you ran. It's what people do when they're scared, when they think they're alone." He kissed Blair softly on both cheeks. "You're not alone anymore, Blair - not if you don't want to be."

"I don't. I want to be with you. I want to love you. I do love you, so much."

"Then love me, Blair."

It was so simple - just to let go of all of the fear, all of the doubt. He could feel the strength of Jim's arms, the heat of his body, the hardness of the need pressing against him. For the first time in what felt like years he felt the same spark of hunger in himself, the same need to be with someone. The need to be with Jim.

Jim was smiling at him, his eyes full of love. Blair leaned forward and kissed him, softly at first, and then with increasing heat. He pushed Jim back until he was flat against the bed, and attacked his body hungrily with his mouth. Jim was content to lay there and accept his ministrations, happy with the knowledge that Blair was with him because he wanted to be.

Blair touched him everywhere, memorizing the curves and planes of him, the sharply-defined muscles and the softness of his skin both, teasing his nipples with his tongue, kissing him in the thousands of places which increased his hunger incrementally, driving him slowly insane with need. He carefully avoided the erection that was begging his attention, until he knew that to ignore it further would be cruel.

When Blair softly kissed and then swallowed his cock whole, Jim felt as if he was being made love to for the first time ever. The sensations were so new, so deep and so bright in front of him that he could barely believe they were real. He bucked hard up off the bed, feeling Blair's fingers digging into his thighs, trying to keep himself from being thrown off.

And when he came, he came with a cry of relief and ecstasy, shouting out Blair's name over and over. Even when Blair was in his arms again, kissing him, rubbing his own erection against his exhausted body, Jim couldn't stop repeating, over and over, more and more softly, until it was barely a whisper:

"Blair."

and the sun shines down all on the ground
yeah, and the grass is oh so green
and my heart is still and I've got the will
and I don't really feel so mean
here it comes, here it comes
here it comes right now
and it comes right in on time
well it eases me and it pleases me
and it satisfies my mind

"I never realized."

Jim stirred, his arms full of Blair, and tightened his hold. He brushed his lips across his lover's ear, a few short silky strands of hair tickling him. "Realized what?"

"How beautiful the sunrise is from here."

Jim was speechless, tears springing to his eyes. For the first time in what felt like months - the first time ever with Blair - he watched the simple beauty of the sunrise. After months and months of clouds and pain, hurt and fear and anger and guilt and shame, there was nothing but the two of them, curled together in this bed, and the dawning of a new day.

"Jim?"

He was too moved to answer, and Blair turned around in his arms. "Oh, Jim - " He reached a hand up to brush away the tear on his cheek. "If I'd only known - "

Jim brought his mouth down and kissed away his words. When he pulled back, he said, "No 'ifs', Blair. It's all in the past, and we can't change any of it. All we can do is go forward."

"We really can, can't we?"

Jim smiled. The wonder was back in Blair's voice - the youth, the happiness, the genuine pleasure at being alive. For too long, he'd thought it was permanently lost. He squeezed him tighter. "I'd like to see anyone try and stop us."

and it seems like and it feels like
and it seems like and it feels like
a brand new day
a brand new day

The End
MonaR.
[email protected]/[email protected]