friday, august 22, 1997

Blair Sandburg rolled over restlessly. Something was missing, something he couldn't sleep without, but he couldn't place it. Irritated, he rolled out of the bed, landing solidly on his feet and padding out to the darkened living room.

He sighed deeply.

Jim was on stakeout, as he had been for the past three nights, and Simon had decreed this one a no-Sandburg zone. The higher-ups were making nervous noises about his constant presence at Jim's side and the captain thought a break would give them time to find someone else to harass. He hated not being with Jim, but the detective wasn't alone and they weren't doing anything really dangerous. Just boring. But he still missed him.

Although they'd realized they were falling in love with each other months ago, they still hadn't moved past that awkward what-do-we-do-next stage.

"Man, this sucks." he spoke crossly to himself, going to the kitchen and digging in the fridge, not really wanting anything, but restless enough to consider looking.

Finally settling on a beer, the young anthropologist slumped on the couch. Closing his eyes and sipping at the bitter drink, he coaxed his mind to calm with images of earlier that same evening.

He'd gotten home just as Jim woke up. He'd gone up to check on him in time to see Jim open his eyes and Jim's smile had been a welcome haven after his frustrating day dealing with office politics and filling out a grant proposal written by a bureacrat with stock in the paper industry.

"Hey, Chief." Jim half-sat, the blankets falling to his waist, and opened his arms in invitation. With an audible gulp Blair had slid up the bed and settled gingerly on that broad chest, Jim's arms coming around him, holding him snugly.

Jim had cuddled him before, but always in the chair or on the couch or the balcony. He'd never been in Jim's bed this way, close to him, the big man's heart thumping steadily under his ear.

He liked it.

"Mmm."

"This is nice." Jim shifted and Blair became aware of his own arousal, knew Jim could feel it and smell it. "We should have done this before."

"It feels just right." Blair snuggled deeper into the embrace, one hand resting on Jim's chest, the other tucked beneath himself. His hair trailed across Jim's neck and shoulder and he wondered if his friend liked it. Nervously he reached the free hand and began pulling it behind his ears.

"Leave it." Jim's voice was suddenly husky as his fingers stopped Blair's, gently pushed them aside and then tangled in the wayward mass of curls. "I like it."

"Are you sure? Sometimes it tickles..." Blair trailed off when Jim began masaging his scalp through the curls, and closed his eyes with a purr. "I love that, Jim."

"You never said anything...but I thought you might." Jim chuckled, but his voice still had that dark sexy quality that Blair heard so rarely.

"We should do this more often." the words were said carefully. Blair was having a harder time keeping things easy than Jim was. He just wanted to dive right in and go for it, but Jim believed that they needed time to make the adjustmnents, get more comfortable with each other first. Of course, Blair could occasionally get him to get a little carried away...he tipped his head back, lips slightly parted, wetting them delicately with the tip of his tongue the way he knew would drive Jim crazy.

"You little tramp." Jim scolded, but he took the offer, covering Blair's mouth with his own, kissing him deeply, tongues meeting, dancing in the wet heat until Blair let slip a groan and Jim pulled back, his fingers digging into Blair's scalp just enough to let the younger man know that he was definitely interested, despite his next words. "We'd better get out of this bed."

Grinning wryly, Blair had allowed himself to be hefted to the floor -- Jim really liked to manhandle him and the smaller man thought it was kind of sweet, in a Jim sort of way -- and watched his partner as he got up and picked out what he was going to wear that night.

The rest of the evening had been pretty average, Blair remembered, opening his eyes and taking a large swallow. He'd cooked dinner, they'd, watched some TV, and then Jim had had to leave. All of it normal, completely within the bounds of their new relationship.

So why can't I sleep? he finished the beer and stood to get another, but the shrill ringing of the phone stopped him dead in his tracks.

Three a.m. Oh God, this can't be good. He leapt across the room and grabbed it before the second ring finished.

"Blair Sandburg." he blurted, terrified.

"Hey, Chief. I was right, you are up."

"Jim! Thank God. No, I just got up. For some reason I can't sleep, man."

A soft laugh from the other end let him know that Jim was smiling that gentle smile he loved.

"I know. I realized that I forgot something before I left. But I couldn't call until Brown took a break."

"You did?" Blair thought furiously. He could take whatever it was to Jim if his car would cooperate....Jim's whisper sparked through him.

"I didn't tell you goodnight, love."

"Man, Jim." Blair sighed, and smiled. "You're right. How could I sleep without hearing that?"

"Not well, I know." Jim's chuckled again, softer this time. quot;I know you need to hear it, Chief. As much as I need to say it."

"You know Jim," Blair let his voice get low and husky, the way that made Jim growl at him. "I think tonight I need to hear it again."

"Will you go to bed -- and go to sleep -- if I do?"

"yes." Blair was reduced to a sigh.

"Promise?"

"and dream of you."

"Then go to bed, Blair. Goodnight, love."

"Goodnight, Jim."

A fine tremor ran through his hand as Blair hung the phone up. He clutched it in the other and brought both ot his mouth, pressing them to his lips to supress the shout of joy that was rising in him.

Then he went to bed, and slept, with Jim's name on his tongue.

saturday, august 23, 1997

"Damn." trying to work his door key to his fingers from his palm, Blair was hindered by the weight of the canvas bag, the straps cutting into his wrist. He'd gotten grocery shopping down to an art form, buying just as much as they needed for the week, and it almost exactly filled the four large canvas tote bags he took with him to avoid the fill-the-landfill-or-kill-some-trees issue of paper-or-plastic. Unfortunately that meant that adding just a few extra items made the bags too heavy, and he'd picked up a couple of extra sixpacks and a package of notebooks, in addition to other things.

"Ouch!" he blurted as the key slipped and the strap twisted, cutting into the skin. "Damn." With a sigh he put the bags down -- all of them, his hands were starting to cramp -- retrieved his key, and opened the door before picking them all back up.

He shut the door behind himself with his foot, trying to do it quietly. If his mild outburst on the landing hadn't woken his love, then Jim needed more sleep.

He checked the time before putting the groceries away.

Several items were left out to take to the bathrom and when the rest were safely stored the young man leaned on the counter and picked up one of them, turning it over in his hands thoughtfully.

Maybe he was pushing things. How was Jim going to react when he saw this in the medicine cabinet?

The box of condoms looked very benign, sitting serenely on the countertop. Blair laid the tube of personal lubricant down next to it and considered.

I'll just put them in the cabinet and wait until he notices. Then he'll know I'm willing and we won't have to have that conversation.

That brought a smile to his face as he gathered the supplies and put them away in the small bathroom. Jim didn't mind talking about things as much as Blair had thought he would.

That chore completed, the anthropologist reviewed his mental list of tasks for the day. He'd been to the library, picked up the book he'd been waiting to come in on interlibrary loan. Dropped Jim's grey suit at the cleaners, he'd need it to testify next week in the Harrewood case. Returned the videos. Dropped by the station for a couple of hours to finish up some paperwork that Jim hadn't had time to get to. Bought groceries, checked his email. Now he had to choose; read the book -- the translated diary of a german missionary which he hoped would have some corraberating evidence for another account, or finish writing that midterm he had to give next week.

"Better finish the test. The book will wait." he said aloud.

With another sigh he grabbed a beer and his laptop and settled on the couch, little computer balanced on his crossed legs, beer cold against his groin.

After a half hour he finished the beer and ran a hand through his hair. This was not what he wanted to be doing. But Jim needed his sleep, and this test needed to be written....he hadn't spent near enough time with his love lately and it was getting to him. Not being at the station with him, watching him leave for the stakeout alone every night while Blair kept house and went to school and did his thing...he missed that casual contact.

He found himself looking at the stairs speculatively.

I could go up and work at his desk. If he wakes up then he's done sleeping, right? Or maybe I could help him get back to sleep....that brought a slow smile to his face. Motivated, he got up off the couch and went quietly up the stairs.

Jim was sleeping neatly on his back, sheet pulled just to his pecs, one arm flung out to the side. Remembering yesterday, Blair grinned.

Carefully he stacked the two extra pillows and sat gingerly on the other side of the bed, legs bent, laptop propped on his knees. The big man beside him stirred but then lay quiet.

This is much better. Blair got to work, typing with gentle touches, being as quiet as he could.

"Hey."

The gentle voice startled Blair out of his thoughts. His movement displaced the laptop, but it was caught as it slid to the bed, Jim's large hand balancing it until Blair took it and hit the key to save his work. Then he snapped it shut and leaned to set it on the floor beside the bed before turning to look at Jim.

"Hey yourself. Sleep well?"

"You tell me. How long have you been up here?"

Blair checked the clock and made a face. It was past dark.

"Um...about three hours. I just wanted....you know, to be close to you."

"I think I knew you were here." Jim said. The tone of his voice made Blair meet his eyes, and his breath quickened when he saw how dark they were, the bright blue now ocean-deep. "I was dreaming of you when I woke up."

"What did you dream?" Blair heard his words, husky and low, wondered what it was about this man that made him react so quickly. He leaned onto his elbows, rolling to his side, his face only inches from Jim's.

"This." those big hands came up to cup his face and Blair closed his eyes as Jim's lips covered his. He opened his mouth and sucked Jim's tongue in when it was offered.

They kissed slowly for long minutes. Blair felt his cock harden and shifted, going to his stomach, his chest pressed to Jim's, resisting the urge to rub himself into the bed, unable to stifle the groan that rose in him as Jim's hands slipped up to his head, fingers sinking deep into his hair, freeing it from the elastic band, combing it over his shoulders.

"More." he sighed when Jim pulled back, studying him. "Please, Jim."

"You taste really good." Jim kissed him lightly, tongue just dipping in to touch the roof of Blair's mouth before he pulled back again. "Like sunshine and summer days." he did it again.

Blair spread one hand flat on the broad smooth chest, and rubbed a gentle circle, the tips of his fingers brushing a nipple that was already hard and sensitized.

"Mm!" Jim hissed and his hands tightened on Blair's head.

Deliberately Blair repeated the caress.

"Sandburg." Jim warned softly.

"Do you like it, Jim? You like me touching you?" now Blair pressed himself closer to Jim's chest, scooting a leg next to Jim's, feeling the heat of the larger man through the sheet. "Do you know how badly I want to touch you?" he purred now, Jim's hands picking up the rythm they'd left.

"Oh Jesus, Blair." Jim was breathing quickly and his voice was thick. "Don't push, love. Please don't force it."

"Just stepping up the intensity." Blair breathed as his eyes closed and his mouth searched blindly for Jim's again, finding and devouring it.

Blair felt the instant when Jim made the choice. One of the big hands slid to Blair's shoulder and then to his back, and his mouth opened unbelievably wide beneath Blair's, inviting the younger man to take all that he could.

Rejoicing inwardly, Blair gave himself up to that kiss, trying to meld them together like vulcans, one mind, one body.

There was no way to tell how long it went on. All Blair knew was that one minute he was eating Jim alive and the next his lover was gently but firmly lifting the smaller man, hands at his waist, and setting him off to his side while Jim sat and climbed out of the bed.

"Jim?" fingers touching swollen lips, his own breathing loud in his ears, Blair stared at his lover, wide-eyed. He didn't know how adorably confused he sounded.

"Right here, love." Jim leaned over the bed to drop a kiss to the top of his head, hand breifly stroking Blair's flushed cheek. "We were getting a little carried away there."

"Is that so bad?"

"No, it's not bad at all. We have the rest of our lives, love. Let's enjoy this."

"I don't particularly enjoy frustration." Blair grumbled, following Jim out of the bed and down the stairs.

"Think how great it's going to be when we finally make love." Jim crooned, turning on the last step and catching Blair in his arms, their height difference temporarily cancelled.

Nuzzling his neck, Jim made soft contented sounds.

Holding Jim's face to his neck, Blair spread his legs slightly for balance and moaned softly. Jim raised his head and grinned at him.

"We are going to be so good together."

"If I survive this." Blair retorted. Jim released him and headed for the bathroom.

"I'd better get a move on if I'm not going to be late." he said over his shoulder.

"I'll have dinner in fifteen minutes." Blair promised, moving into the kitchen and throwing together the ingredients for a taco salad. With chips and beer and mild salsa, he had it on the table and ready to go by the time Jim came down from getting dressed.

"I noticed you got everything on the list." Jim said as he sat and filled his plate. Blair gave him an inquisitive glance.

"Deodorant, shaving cream..." Jim trailed off.

"I got a couple of extra things, too." the younger man said carefully, pushing his hair back behind his ears to eat.

"Yeah, I saw that."

Blair looked up and their eyes met. Jim's were warm and mildly embarrassed. Blair grinned suddenly.

"Is that okay, man?"

"Of course it is, love." Jim raised his bottle and took a long drink. "But I know you were never a boy scout."

"There are other groups who believe in being prepared." Blair teased now.

"Like detectives." Jim agreed.

Dinner was over quickly and Jim had to leave. Blair was running the dishwater when he felt the heat at his back. He straightened and leaned, Jim's arms coming around him automatically. Blair wrapped his arms over Jim's, closed his eyes, and sighed.

"I wish there was music on." he sighed."I want to dance with you."

"Everything in it's own time." Jim whispered, nuzzling into his hair. "I won't be here to say it when you go to bed, and I don't know if I'll be able to call. Do you mind if I say it now?"

"Hmmm, no, of course not." Blair lay his head back on Jim's shoulder, exposing the line of his throat, breath catching when the older man took the hint and nuzzled there as well.

"Goodnight, love." Jim whispered, placing a tender kiss at the juncture of neck and shoulder before releasing him and pulling away. "Get some sleep tonight, okay?"

"I will, Jim." Blair leaned on the sink and watched him grab his coat and go out the door. "i love you."

He whispered it so quietly he thought that even his sentinel wouldn't hear him, but Jim stopped halfway through the door and gifted him with that smile, the one that made Blair's bones melt and puddle in his shoes.

"Goodnight, love." the man said again. Then he was gone, out the door, and Blair stood staring after him until he became aware of the warmth soaking the front of his shirt and jeans and realized that the sink was overflowing.

monday, august 25, 1997

The Cascade PD Major Crimes bullpen was quiet and dim, almost nine o'clock on a Monday. The only bright light came from the captain's office, where slitted blinds let it through in yellow streaks that striped the floor.

Voices could be heard inside.

"Aw, hell, Simon." Detective James Ellison drew his hand back behind his head and made as if to throw his pen, but restrained himself and rested his head on the clenched fist instead.

"It's not my call, Jim." his tall captian stood and poured another cup of coffee.

"I thought this was going to blow over." with a grimace Jim accepted the cup Simon offered. "What is this again?"

"Mocha Espresso." Simon sipped his with obvious pleasure, smirking at Jim's wrinkled nose. "It's pretty good. About twice the caffiene, and we'll need it tonight."

"I like coffee that tastes like coffee." Jim took a swallow, supressing the urge to grimace at the overly-sweet flavor. "And I like having my partner beside me when I'm forced to work through the night. Again." the big man stood. Simon might be taller but Jim was more heavily muscled and had more of a predatory presence. Simon watched as he prowled the office restlessly.

"We're making progress. All we have left to do is get this stuff organized and we'll be ready in the morning."

"We'll get this to that prosecuter in Texas on time if it takes all night." Jim ran his fingers through a stack of black-and-white computer images, fanning them. "I guess if Blair has to be in the doghouse, now's a good time for it."

"It's not anything he did, Jim." hastening to reassure, the captain hoped to head off an angry outburst. He knew well how protective Jim was of his unofficial partner, how defensive the man could get when people belittled Sandburg or didn't take him seriously. "His hospital bills from that Quinn fiasco really put it over the top. You know they've been looking at his involvement with a jaundiced eye ever since."

"How much trouble can he get into here, Simon? You let him come in and do paperwork Saturday."

"And got an ear-chewing I can still hear!" Simon sat in his chair at the table, leaning forward. "Just give it a couple more weeks, Jim. They're gonna get distracted and we can start working him back in, a little at a time."

"And what about me in the meantime?" Jim spun and Simon saw that he wasn't going to avoid the outburst after all.

"What about you? How long has it been since you zoned out? You don't need Sandburg behind you anymore, Ellison. You like having him there, you're used to it, but you don't need it."

"It's not that simple, Simon." the unintentional pun brought a flash of grin that vanished almost instantly. "He thinks of ways to use my abilities that never occur to me. I'm more effective when he's with me."

"And this has nothing to do with your personal feelings." Simon drew the words out and then raised his cup in front of his face, sipping, while he watched Jim's response.

Suddenly the younger man was very still, drawing into himself. He gathered his dignity around him and sat slowly, facing Simon with that closed-off look that the captain knew too well.

But he didn't deny Simon's words. He would never deny Blair that way.

He just answered, in a calm, steady voice. "No. I'll admit that I like having him around because of how I feel about him. But I needed him before and I need him now."

"Thank you for not trying to bullshit me."

"I know better." now Jim managed a fleeting grin.

"How is he taking this seperation?"

"He's keeping busy. Says he's gotten a lot done on his dissertation. The loft is really clean." Jim shrugged. "He misses me. As much as I miss him. And this past couple of weeks hasn't helped much, working all night and all evening every day."

"It's your job, Jim. It was worth it, too, to catch this creep, wasn't it?"

Reaching across the table, Jim's big hand ruffles the pictures, disrupting the symmetry of the pattern he'd formed minutes ago. It was a collection guaranteed to chill any good man's heart; little boys, dozens of them, naked, being touched and touching in ways that they shouldn't have even known possible. The man who'd taken the pictures had destroyed all the evidence at his home, but they'd made a connection between him and a 'buyer' here. The stakeout had all been about waiting for the man here to download and print the images he'd bought. Then they had traced his credit card number back to the man in Texas....it had been scut work, mostly, but well worth it.

"Even Blair would think so."

"So what is it between you two?" the black man picked up an image and filed it into a case with the others. Taking the hint, Jim picked up his folder and added a note. They worked quietly for several minutes before Jim spoke.

"If you're asking wether we're sleeping together, the answer is; 'not yet'. I want to...I think he wants to, but we're waiting."

"That's a good idea. It's going to be hard, you know. I'm not going to be the only one to figure it out."

"We'll keep it to ourselves as long as we can." Jim went behind Simon's desk and sat, fingers on the keyboard, typing in the notes he'd handwritten. Then his head snapped up and he stared at the door.

"What?" Simon followed his glance.

"Sandburg's here." Jim glanced at the table with worry.

"Meet him out there." Simon stood and began gathering the images into an untidy pile while Jim left the office.

Blair stepped off the elevator and glanced around. It was quiet up here tonight. Across the hall in Vice was as loud and busy as it was at noon, but major Crimes looked deserted.

"Sandburg?" he heard Jim's voice just before the door opened.

"Hey, there." he knew the grin spreading across his face was goofy, but he couldn't help it. "I thought I'd bring you some dinner. If you haven't eaten already?" he held up the small icechest that was by his side.

"Not since lunch and that was wonderburgers." Jim took the chest and opened it as they walked into the bullpen. "Sandburg. Damn, I love you." Jim exclaimed when he found two large tupperware containers of chili and a foil-wrapped chunk of cornbread.

"I know you do." Blair stopped in the middle of the room and faced Jim. "I brought enough for Simon too. So when are you coming home?"

"In the morning." Jim frowned as Blair's face fell. "I've got to get this finished."

"And I can't stay." with a sigh Blair brought a hand up and stroked Jim's jaw lightly.

"I'm sorry." Jim caught the hand and pressed is face to it. Then he glanced at Simon's office. "C'mere." setting the open chest on a nearby desk, he used the hand to pull Blair into an embrace, snuggling the shorter man's head under his chin.

"mmmmmm." Blair closed his eyes and relaxed into him.

"You said it." Jim chuckled and closed his eyes as well. He let his hands sink deep into the long curls and rub at Blair's scalp, scenting deeply. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you more." Blair challenged contentedly.

"Silly." tilting his love's face upwards, Jim treated them both to a deep, hungry kiss. By the time he let go they were both panting slightly.

"You better get back to work." Blair stepped away.

"Wait a minute." there was a strange look on Jim's face as he stopped Blair with a hand on his arm. "What are you wearing under that coat?"

"I didn't come up here naked, if that's what you're asking."

Blair grinned, but unzipped his long leather coat, revealing several layers of shirts over worn jeans. Then he looked at Jim curiously. "So?"

"Give me one of your shirts." Jim rested his hands on his hips, watching his lover with hot eyes. Blair blinked, then grinned slightly.

Awkwardly, he took off his coat and unbuttoned the top shirt, an over-sized flannel that hung loosely on him. Jim watched his love as he slipped the shirt off over his square shoulders, slightly bashful movement, and then held it in one hand, his eyes questioning the bigger man.

"Yeah, that's what I want." Jim lifted the shirt from his hand and bundled it up, bringing it to his face to close his eyes and inhale deeply.

Blair's scent flooding his nostrils and sent a tingle of electricity through him that landed in his groin. Jim opened his mouth and took a gulp of air, filling himself with it.

"Jim. Hey, man, Jim. C'mon, man, open up the rest of them, listen to my voice...."

The bright blue eyes flew open and Jim chuckled self-consciously.

"Oops. Simon was just asking me how long it's been since I zoned."

"You must be suffering from withdrawals." Blair teased gently while Jim shook the shirt out and put it on over his button-down, leaving it open. What was big on Blair fit him just right. He tilted his head and sniffed at the shoulder.

"I'm way below my average daily requirement of Sandburg. This should help."

They stood and stared at each other for a few minutes. Then Blair sighed and glanced at the office.

"You better get back to work."

"Yeah."

"I've got that book to read." Blair walked around Jim, keeping his eyes on his love's face as he did.

"Do me a favor?" Jim stopped him with a hand on his houlder, squeezing gently.

"Anything you want." Blair answered, hearing his own voice getting rough.

"I thought...even though I'm not gonna be there....maybe you could sleep in my bed tonight?"

Blair's eyes widened and something flared deep in them, something Jim was afraid to put a name to.

"I'd like to think of you there." Jim dropped his voice as well.

"I'd really like that." Blair's answer was a sigh, barely audible.

"I had to say it on the phone last night." Jim's mouth twitched and his hand on Blair's shoulder drew the smaller man a step closer.

"With Brown standing outside the car." Blair smirked. Jim's hand pressured him closer, and then he was an inch away, Jim's heat flowing out to envelop him.

"In the morning, Jim?" Blair sounded lonely.

"As soon as I get out of here." Jim promised, and drew him closer still, bodies touching lightly.

"That seems like a long time, man."

"Shhhh." Jim's lips pressed a soft kiss to his forehead and then dropped to whisper into his ear. "Say goodnight, love."

"Goodnight, Jim." his breathing was quicker now.

"Goodnight, love." Jim nuzzled briefly at the ear and then lifted Blair and moved him away, hands on his waist holding him until he caught his balance.

They stared at each other for a minute, then Jim grabbed the chest and clicked the lid closed.

Blair sighed one last time, then gathered up his coat and left, Jim's eyes on him the whole way out.

"love you, jim." the whisper reached the waiting Sentinel even from behind the closed elevator doors.

tuesday, august 26, 1997

Blair curled up and hugged the extra pillow close to his chest. Damn, it wasn't supposed to be like this. Jim had come home this morning, like he'd promised, but he'd had to leave again right away when a suspect was spotted. They'd had enough time for one good kiss and then he was gone, out the door, a lonely Blair trailing in his wake an hour after, going to school.

And now Blair was here, trying to sleep, almost eleven o'clock and no sign of Jim. He could call the station again, but the last time Simon had snapped at him.

"We're busy here, Sandburg! Jim is fine and I'll send him home just as soon as I can."

It had sounded like he was scolding one of the officer's wives, as he occasionally did when they pushed too hard.

And that didn't make Blair feel any better at all.

It was almost midnight when his thoughts finally settled into something less than a whirlwind and he thought he could rest. When he heard the first creak on the stair he thought it was just his imagination, overworked from sexual fantasies about Jim...

but there it was again.

Nervously he sat up, back to the railing, and reached for the lamp.

"It's just me, Chief." the voice was exhausted from three days without sleep, but totally recognizable. Blair bounded out of the bed and wrapped himself around his love, his sudden weight causing Jim to stagger. Turning quickly the bigger man fell back on the bed, landing with Blair on top of him. He wrapped his arms just as tight around his roommate and heaved a great sigh.

"I was afraid I'd be too late." he nuzzled into Blair's hair, tousled from his attempts at sleep.

"Too late for what?" Blair's words were muffled because he was rubbing his face into Jim's chest. The big man was still wearing Blair's flannel shirt over his own.

"To snuggle up with you in my bed for the first time." Jim gently lifted Blair off his body and set him to one side. Blair stretched out on his side, head on one outstretched arm, and watched as Jim got up, turned on the lamp, and started to undress.

"So this is what we do next?" he couldn't keep the teasing out of his voice.

"If you like." Jim's eyes on his were briefly worried, but Blair's response eased him.

"Oh, I like. I definitely like, man."

The deep blue eyes swept Jim's form and came to rest on his face and the older man felt an absurd impulse to blush but fought it down. When it was under control he flipped back the covers and slid beneath them.

Blair joined him, lying on his back, and Jim curled over and around his sturdy body, his head on Blair's shoulder, an arm and leg over him.

Blair's hand stroked through his short spiky hair.

They rested quietly, absorbing this new level of intimacy.

"I never thought it would be this soft." Blair said, so softly Jim had to turn to his hearing to catch it.

"The bed?" now Jim was teasing.

"Your hair, goof." Blair leaned down and Jim leaned up and their mouths met in a tender kiss that lasted long minutes, niether of them willing to break it to breathe. Jim felt Blair's breath streaming out of his nose, warm and moist and surprisingly sweet. Finally they broke apart and Blair shifted Jim back down, resuming his head rubbing.

"You're exhausted, love. I hope Simon gave you tomorrow off."

"Yeah, he did." but Jim didn't sound too happy about it. Blair waited patiently, knowing that he'd tell the rest when he was ready. "But I've got to go out of town this weekend. Prisoner transfer."

"And I can't come." Blair sighed. Jim shifted a leg and his thigh rubbed over Blair's groin, drawing a deep sigh.

"That feel good?"

"Uh-huh." Blair's sigh turned into a moan as Jim pressed down. "I was beginning to wonder."

"About what?" letting his hand slide over Blair's chest, Jim discovered the sensation of curly chest hair under his palm. He sighed and shifted minutely closer.

"If you...if we... were ever gonna...go any further." the smaller man's hips wriggled in slow motion beneath Jim's legs. His hand stilled in Jim's hair.

"What, you think I'm a saint, Sandburg? You think I could resist this indefinitely?" one long finger circled a hardened nipple and Blair's head tilted back. He arched slightly, urging Jim on.

Jim stilled and placed a tender kiss on Blair's chest. The hairs tickled slightly and he snuffled a minute before laying his cheek back down, pressing close, listening to the increased heartbeat.

"Shhhh." moved his leg past Blair's groin, leaving behind the stirring hardness with regret. "We need to sleep now."

"Jimmm." Blair moaned softly. "How slow are we gonna take this, anyhow?"

"Since we've never talked about it, I thought we'd just do things when they felt right." Jim answered thoughtfully.

"Maybe we need to talk about it." Blair shifted again, then seemed to gain control of himself, and he settled back into the pillows, his hand again stroking through Jim's hair, fingers spread.

"We will." Jim promised. His eyes closed and he rubbed his face into Blair's chest. "You ready to sleep now?"

"Yeah. It's nice to do this, here, with you."

"It is, isn't it." Jim agreed. He was quiet, waiting for Blair's words.

They came slowly, as if tonight the younger man felt more weight attached to them here, in Jim's bed, with Jim in his arms.

"I love you, Jim."

"I know you do." Jim gave the body under him a little squeeze. "Goodnight, love."

There was no answer. Because motor-mouth hundred-miles--a-minute-mind Sandburg had fallen asleep as soon as he heard the words.

thursday, august 28, 1997

"Aw, Jim." Blair made a face and climbed out of bed, still wearing only his boxers, when he heard the door open. Padding down the stairs, he gave his love a sweet smile as the bigger man practically staggered into the loft. "I thought you were going to be home last night."

"I tried." exhaustion colored his voice as Jim draped himself over Blair's sturdy form. The younger man's smile widened and he braced himself to take the weight, wrapping his arms around Jim's waist and holding on. After several long minutes he shifted, moving to Jim's side, and led him to the couch.

"You don't wanna go upstairs and get into bed?" he settled Jim on the couch, pulling off his shoes and covering him with the throw from the back. Jim shook his head, relaxing into the cushions. With one hand he pulled Blair closer, and then, with a quick twist of his wrist, tumbled the student into his lap.

"Hey!" with that mild protest Blair cuddled up and began nuzzling at Jim's neck.

"It's a good thing you've got class this morning, otherwise you'd know what a fraud I am." Jim's hands restlessly caressed Blair's back and sides, cool on his warm skin. Blair sighed and wriggled.

"I know you're tired." Blair wriggled again, more deliberately this time. "But you'll be wide awake by the time I get home this afternoon."

"And packing to leave first thing in the morning."

"You had to remind me." Even white teeth flashed as Blair nipped Jim's shoulder.

"Hey! Ow. I'm not 100% edible, you know."

"So how much of you is edible?" leaning back, Jim's hands on his waist catching his weight, Blair grinned.

"You'll find out later." with a sigh Jim lifted the younger man and set him off the couch, Blair shaking his head at the whole operation.

"I can move, y'know"

"I like moving you." the way he said it, sweet and non-defensive, made Blair lean back to give him a quick kiss, just a warm touch of lips.

"I've gotta get ready for school."

"God, it sounds like I'm cradle-snatching."

"You wish." Blair turned his back on Jim with a smile, feeling the other's eyes on him. He walked toward the bathroom with an exaggerated wiggle.

When he was done he came out expecting to find Jim already asleep, but instead he was watching, waiting for Blair to emerge.

"I thought you were tired." towel around his waist, another over his hair, Blair grinned again as Jim's eyes wandered his damp body.

"Never too tired to look at you." Jim sighed. "Maybe too tired to do anything about it..."

Tucking the leading edge of the towel into the wrapped edge, Blair walked back to the couch to lean and open his mouth to Jim, who eagerly took the offering, his tongue stroking Blair's hungrily.

"Now I've really got to go." Blair pulled away with one last kiss, and his face softened as his voice dropped to a whisper. "Goodnight, love."

"Have a good day." Jim answered, his eyes slowing closing as he lost the battle against sleep. "Goodnight."

Forty-five minutes later Blair was going out the door, but stopped.

Returning to the couch, he pressed a kiss to Jim's closed mouth and smiled when the older man smiled in his sleep and whispered his name. "Blair." with a sigh.

monday, september 1, 1997

Blair was so tired he was moving in slow motion, but he snatched the phone up before the first ring even finished.

"Jim? Man, where are you?!"

The man on the other end didn't quite laugh, but Blair heard it in his voice as he answered.

"I could ask you the same thing, Sandburg. I've been trying to reach for for hours."

"I had to finish up some research at the library. Then I called the hotel and they said you'd checked out, so I thought you were on your way. I went to the store so I could make a nice dinner and ran into Becky, remember her?, that blond TA, and she needed help with this paper she's writing, her word processor ate it..." he paused for breath and Jim spoke up quickly.

"There's a big storm, the planes are grounded, I'm stuck at the airport and I hope you didn't help her with anything else."

"Huh, wha?!" Blair almost squeaked in indignation, but then realized that Jim was teasing. "You know better than that, man." he scolded, not thinking it was too funny. "So, does this mean you're, like, not gonna be home tonight?"

"They say it'll clear up by morning." Jim's voice dropped. "I'm sorry. I wanted to come home to you tonight."

"I wanted you to." Blair sighed deeply, cradling the phone to his face with both hands. "I thought we would...you know."

"Yeah." Jim sighed now too, as if he was deflating on the other end of the line. "I know."

"So, you gonna say it? I've been waiting for it." Blair perked up a little at the thought. But his love didn't answer right away. "Jim?"

"Hang on. I'm thinking."

Settling back into the couch cushions, phone pressed close to his ear, Blair restlessly twisted an errant lock of hair around his index finger.

"What are you wearing?" the question caught Blair by surprise and he sat up a little.

"Huh? Um, just a t-shirt and boxers man. I was going to hit the sack soon if you didn't show. Whhhy?" he drew the word out cautiously, wary, of the response.

"'Cause I want to put you to bed." Jim's voice dropped even lower. Blair had to strain to hear it now. He sat forward, focusing on those words and the reaction they caused in his anatomy.

"Tuck me in and tell me a story?" he hedged, wondering if Jim had something more .... intense....in mind.

"I think the story will have to wait, there's a line of people a half-mile long behind every phone." Jim chuckled low in his throat and Blair felt a flush start in his toes and work it's way up his body. "But definitely tuck you in. Are you ready for bed?"

"yeah." Blair whispered at Sentinel-level, exhaustion returning full-force.

"Then go on up the stairs. Lock the door, turn out the lights, and listen as I tell you how much I miss you."

The familiar shapes of the living room became obstacles as Blair tried to lock up while Jim told him, so softly, how much he had missed him, how much he'd wanted him, how good knowing Blair was waiting for him at home made him feel. As Blair began navigating the stairs Jim let his voice get rough and thick.

"I never knew I could miss somebody, love. Not since my mother...I never missed anyone the way I miss you."

Making the last step Blair stopped and took a deep breath to center himself.

"I went around all weekend feeling like I'd forgotten something. Something I had to do. Something terribly important. I would stop and think about it and realize that it wasn't something I'd forgot..it was you. You weren't beside me, where you belong." Jim must have heard him stop moving because he stopped talking for a few seconds and listened. "You upstairs?"

"Yeah." a little stronger this time, to let Jim know that he was still here.

"Fold back the covers on your side...I like saying that, 'your side'. Carolyn and I used to argue about that. She thought that claiming a space in the bed as mine meant that I didn't want to share it with her. But you know better. The bed is ours, so it doesn't matter who sleeps where or what we call it."

"It's ready." Reaching with his free hand Blair fluffed the pillows on his side, the right side of the bed.

"Now slide in. Pull the covers all the way up, I know you get cold at night and I'm not there to keep you warm."

Following the instructions, Blair grinned. This was intensely arousing, but amusing, too. He'd never imagined Jim to be the romantic type, much less playful, but he was thrilled to find that he was both those things, under the right circumstances.

"I'm tucked in tight." he announced, laying back on the pillows, phone still at his ear.

"Light out?" Jim asked.

"Yes, but there's a little bit of moonlight coming in from the skylight." Blair sighed.

"I know it's pretty, but close your eyes." the voice was so low, so beautiful in it's power.

Blair did, with another sigh.

"Okay. You're going to sleep now. I have to find an empty chair and a cup of cofffee, but I'll spend the rest of the night thinking about you, there, in our bed, warm and snug and dreaming of me."

"I will dream of you." despite himself Blair felt his thoughts slowing. Jim's voice was reminding him how tired he was, what a long day it had been. "I always do."

"I like that." Jim sighed the words. "I've got to get off soon. They're forming a lynch mob. I should be back by dinner tomorrow."

"I'll be waiting." sleepy-sweet promise.

"Good." Jim paused. Blair perked up just a little.

"can't sleep 'till you say it..."

The deep chuckle sent a thrill shooting through Blair and he squirmed, waking from his drowse.

"Damn, Jim."

"Lie back." Jim order softly. "Close your eyes. Tomorrow we're going to talk about where we go next, is that okay with you?"

"I've been waiting for it."

"You ready to sleep now?"

"Uh-huh. Snug as bug." Blair grinned slightly, remembering the childhood words.

"Then go to sleep."

"I love you, Jim."

"I know you do. Goodnight, love."

Jim listened as the breathing on the other end slowed and evened. The people in line behind him muttered and frowned, but he shifted his jacket so his gun was visible and the unrest devolved to surly silence.

"Blair?" he whispered, hoping his love hadn't dropped the phone.

"aha." snuggling sounds as the younger man cuddled deeper into the bedclothes.

"Turn off the phone, love."

"hmm. Love you, Jim."

"Goodnight, love." Jim said again, just before the connection was broken.

The dirty looks he recieved as he gathered his things and relinquished the phone didn't even come close to wiping the smile off his face.

tuesday, september 2, 1997

His backpack thumping heavily against him, Blair jogged up the stairs. He wanted to get in and get things ready before Jim got home...cook a nice dinner, tidy the place up....change the sheets.

Key in the door, he was startled when it swang open. A large hand relieved him of his burden and then he was pulled face-first into an unyeilding surface...that smelled really good.

"Jim! You're early!" wrapping his arms tightly around the taller man's waist, Blair hung on as he was thouroughly hugged. The outside air chilled his back and he realized that they were giving a show to anyone with a ticket. "Hey, man, the door." he said, quietly.

A well-placed snap-kick took care of that problem and then Jim lifted the smaller man high, off his feet. To maintain his position Blair had to wrap his legs around Jim's waist, and move his arms to his shoulders. He clung tightly, not so afraid of Jim dropping him, but feeling terribly awkward and vulnerable in this new position.

"Blair?" big warm hands rubbed slow circles on his back and Blair raised his head, realizing that Jim must have heard his heart speed up, perhaps smelled the change in his body chemistry. "Is this okay?"

Deliberately lying his head back on the broad shoulder, Blair closed his eyes and inhaled deeply.

"Yeah, Jim. This is good."

He felt the chuckle roll through Jim's chest and it brought a flush of arousal. He hadn't been hard before but now his cock was making up for lost time. He wiggled slightly, knowing Jim could feel it pressed to his hard stomach.

"Just different. You know?" Keeping his eyes closed, Blair tilted his head and parted his lips, offering.

He felt the change of gravity as Jim turned slowly to lean back against the door, and held on a little tighter, maybe, but then his love's hands slid down his back and crossed under his ass, giving him some support so he didn't have to cling so tight, and Jim's mouth covered his.

His tongue stroked over and under Blair's and the younger man remembered to breathe through his nose so the kiss could go on and on....at last Jim pulled away.

Opening his blue eyes, Blair studied him, cataloguing his condition.

Jim was panting slightly and his bright blue eyes showed the beginnnings of a daze. His arms slid until he was cupping Blair's ass with his hands. Giving in to the urge that suddenly took him, Blair wiggled again, this time moving his butt, making those hands dig in and grip.

"Uhn." he grunted, surprised by the intensity of the sensation.

"It's all different." Jim's soft agreement made him look away as thoughts flooded his mind.

{Does he feel the same way I do? Does he like the way I look, or is it just a sentinel-guide thing? Will I be enough for him? He's had beautiful women...}

"Your face is so expressive, Chief. Sometimes I think I can read your mind just by watching it." Carefully Jim lowered him. Blair's legs automatically went down, feet searching for the floor, and he was standing again. "Go clean up and I'll take you to dinner."

Halfway to the bathroom Blair stopped and turned around, more worry in his eyes than he knew.

"Um, Jim?"

"Yes, love?" the bigger man stopped at the foot of the stairs, hand on the wall.

"You want me to change clothes or anything? I mean, where are we going?"

"Wherever you want, Sandburg." Jim shrugged but his smile was sweet and Blair felt foolish for his fears. "I just want to take you out and enjoy your company."

"Like a date?" he needed it clarified. Needed to know what to expect, so he could plan.

"Yes, Chief. A date. That you're going to be late for if you don't hurry."

Blair went into the bathroom and closed the door without another word.

Changing into a comfortable pair of jeans and a denim shirt that he knew would show off his chest, Jim sat on his bed for a few minutes while he waited for Blair to emerge.

He'd felt the sudden tenseness in his friend's body when he picked him up. Smelled the surge of adrenalin that had nothing to do with desire.

{Did I frighten him? Is he having second thoughts? Maybe I shouldn't be so damn physical...} he shook his head in frustration. It seemed natural to him to pick Blair up, to move him around, to hold him tightly. But he'd never been like this with women he'd dated. Certainly not with Carolyn, who wouldn't have tolerated it. Was it because Blair was smaller and younger?

Or because his distinct beauty made him seem somehow fragile?

{Not just his beauty. His attitudes, his outlook. He would be so easy to hurt, and not just physically.} getting up from the bed Jim went back downstairs. Seeing the pack where he had dropped it, he picked it up and hung it on the rack beside his coat. Blair's coat was probably lying on the bathroom floor by now. {He could be afraid that he's going to get hurt if we go on to sex.}

That thought brought him up short. Perching on the arm of the couch, Jim explored it.

He was bigger than Blair and stronger, but the anthropologist was no wimp. What he lacked in size he made up for in determination and dedication. He'd followed Jim through miles of northwestern forest with a concussion before finally admitting that he was in pain and needed to rest. And even then he'd worried that Jim would think less of him as a man for it.

There was no doubt in Jim's mind that Blair was a man. Despite the long hair and earrings and tendency toward emotionalism, there was nothing effiminate about his partner. That wicked five o'clock shadow was enough to put that idea to rest.

His train of thought was derailed by Blair coming out of the bathroom, a towel around his waist. Looking past him Jim could see that Blair had made at least a token effort to leave the small room tidy.

"I'll be a couple." with that Blair ducked into his room and shut the door just as firmly as he had the bathroom one, leaving Jim with a delicious mental picture to entertain himself with.

He took Blair to one of his favorite Thai places, carefully ordering bland things. Blair just gave him an awkward half-smile and shook his head a little.

They talked about the conference, the trouble Blair's friend Becky was having with her webpage that he was still trying to fix.

"I managed to get an earlier flight." Jim explained his early arrival. "I only had to pester the ticket agent for four hours to do it. I think she would've cheered if my plane went down in the storm."

Blair frowned. It was obvious he didn't like that line of thought. Jim reached across the table and took his hand.

"Hey." he said, dropping his voice, going intimate. "I missed you."

Now Blair's hand tightened on his and his eyes came up to meet Jim's.

"I missed you, too."

"But you didn't seem entirely happy to see me." when Blair started to protest Jim gave his hand a sharp squeeze and finished what he had to say.

"Noooo...you didn't like it when I picked you up like that. You never seemed to mind before."

"It was always something quick before. Just to move me around. Not to....hold me." glancing nervously around the dim room, Blair broke out into a sweat.

"If I do something you don't like I want you to tell me." Jim encouraged. Then he waited patiently while Blair searched for the words to frame his response.

"It's not that I don't like it...." he grimaced and his other hand joined the first, both wrapped around Jim's now. "But I don't know what to expect. I was comfortable with being held, and kissing you...but now that isn't enough." he admitted it with a glance from beneath long lashes that made Jim draw in a quick breath.

"You want more." the older man clarified carefully.

"But I don't know what I want." Suddenly bashful, Blair looked down at the table, pulling one hand away to trace the pattern in the marble with an artistic finger.

Jim's other hand came up and caught the finger, covering and stilling it.

"Blair. Look at me." Jim's voice was full of love and faith. It allowed Blair to raise his eyes once again. "I'm as lost as you are here. The only thing I'm sure of is that I won't ever hurt you. If I do anything -- anything -- that you don't like, all you have to do is say so."

"It's almost as if we're choosing roles." Blair complained softly. "I've never been cast in this one before. I don't know if I'm cut out to be the submissive."

"I don't know much about man sex, but I do know there don't have to be roles." Jim smiled slightly. "It's not like we need a top or a bottom."

Blair found a grin for that, and shook his head ruefully.

"I don't know what you see in me, man. What is it about me that would make you throw away everything you've ever learned about love?"

"I could ask you the same thing." Jim stood and pulled Blair up with him, then close to him, almost-but-not-quite-touching. "You want more, huh."

"And I know you do." laying a hand on Jim's stomach, Blair grinned up at him.

"So we need to figure out what more is."

"We should go home and get right to work on it." Blair agreed.

"I can live with that."

They left the restaraunt with arms around each others' waists, grinning like idiots.

later that same night

The loft was dim, lit only by the bathroom light shining through the open door. That faint illumination halo'ed the figures that lay on the couch, so entertwined that they might have been one. But the light couldn't hear the throaty whisper that broke the rhythm of two men panting slowly.

"Jim....oh, man, Jim..."

"Hmmmm?" raising his head from Blair's chest, Jim eyes his lover speculatively. Was he pushing too hard too fast? The nipple ring had turned out to be a huge turn-on for Jim and a very sensitive erogenous zone for Blair.

The strong hands tightened on his head and insistently pulled him further up, where Blair's mouth waited for him, open and needy.

When the kiss ended Jim was feeling fuzzy from lack of oxygen and loving it. He slumped down, covering Blair with his body, and felt the smaller man's arms come around him somewhat gingerly.

"hold me tighter." he whispered into Blair's neck, feeling the goosebumps rise under his lips. The arms around him tightened. "ahhh..." he worried breifly about being too heavy, but then decided that Blair would tell him if it were a problem. And he was taking some of his weight on the elbow at Blair's side.

"Huhhh." Blair heaved a sigh and shifted, spreading his legs a bit, letting Jim settle further between them. The movement brought Blair's cock into direct contact with Jim's belly while Jim's erection, so fierce it was almost painful, ground into the couch cushions. "Oh, mannnnnnn." Blair groaned low.

Jim felt the throb in Blair's cock clearly, and his own answered in kind.

"I want you." he spoke a little louder now, wanting to be sure Blair heard him. "I want you so bad."

The compact body beneath his tensed, but then relaxed a bit. Not as much as before the words, but better than when he said them.

"I...I want you too." it seemed to be hard for Blair to talk about this. He was still pretty young, maybe he'd always been a hit-it-and-quit-it kind of guy. Jim wondered.

"I know you've said that before..." he left the statement open-ended, hoping Blair would add something.

"I usually don't have to." Blair squirmed slightly and Jim leaned a bit more on the elbow, detecting a trace of unease in the movement. "I mean, I know what I want, they know what they want and they just...y'know, do it."

"But that's not love, sweetheart." Jim objected softly. "And I want to make love to you, not just have sex."

"Jim...." Blair shifted again, clearly not comfortable with the subject. "I know you think I talk everything to death, but there are some things I just don't talk much about."

"So now's your chance." said it lightly, feeling sure that the younger man would retreat from the issue.

"Not tonight, okay, Jim? I just want to lay here and hold you and be glad you're back."

"That sounds really good." Jim let the subject drop. They had time, plenty of time, to discuss what they were going to do next. But for now...he rolled off Blair and stood, offering a hand to pull the younger man up to a sitting position. "But it would be even better in bed."

Blair looked up ay him from under those lashes and took his hand.

"You sure, man? I mean, it's got to be frustrating you... it's sure as hell frustrating me."

"We'll both live with it." Jim promised. "Come on to bed."

Blair stood and they walked hand-in-hand up the stairs.

Cuddled together in the bed, Jim lay awake listening to Blair breath softly. The younger man had pillowed his head on Jim's chest and fallen right to sleep.

{The closer we get to actual sex, the more nervous he gets. Maybe we should stop this now, before it's too late and we lose our friendship over it.} he thought, idly playing with Blair's hair. {We were doing so well, what happened?}

Blair moved a little and smiled in his sleep. Turning up his hearing Jim just caught the name that whispered over his lips as he slept.

"jim....mmmm, love you...."

He tightened his arms around the smaller man and grinned into the darkness. As long as Blair was dreaming about him he would believe they were meant to be together in every way. They could work around both their inexperience, their mutual fears ...as long as they were together.

He kissed the top of Blair's head, then turned his head to rub his cheek into the curls that lay heavy like silk on his skin.

"I'm here, Blair. Goodnight, love."

wednesday, september 3, 1997

It was the best thing in the world, Blair decided, as he pressed himself back to the warmth that held him, waking up in the arms of someone you love.

It was also something he'd never really done before.

Jim was still sleeping soundly, chest rising and falling evenly at Blair's back. Carefully the smaller man turned in the arms that wrapped him loosely and opened his eyes, filling them with the wonder of waking up to his Sentinel.

His fingers a bare half inch from Jim's skin, Blair traced his features in the air and watched him sleep. Trying to understand the connection between this man and his feelings.... but they were so tightly bound together that proved impossible.

{Just a few days ago I was pushing him, pressuring him to go further. Now I don't know what I want.}

The thought upset him so badly that he said it aloud.

"Now I don't know what I want."

"So we'll wait until you do." Jim's whisper startled him and he looked up to see the bright blue eyes watching him as he'd watched Jim.

"You're awake."

"I am." One of Jim's big hands ran up Blair's back and sank into his hair.

"I was just thinking." knowing he sounded defensive didn't make it any less so.

"Last night made me think too." Their faces were close enough to kiss but neither made the move. They remained serious and quiet. "About what we want...from work, from life, from each other..."

"You know I'm going to have to leave someday, man. Maybe as soon as I finish. There's no guarantee Rainier will have a position for me. And I have to do research, it's, like, such a part of what I do. What will we do then?"

"Other couples survive long seperations." Jim shifted to lie on his back, pulling Blair up and tucking him under his chin, Blair's slender hand stroking gentle circles over the broad smooth chest. "We're strong together, you and I."

"I'm just afraid." Safe in Jim's embrace, Blair could admit that. After a night in his strong arms even Blair's most determined fears seemed manageable.

"Tell me what you're afraid of, pet." a squeeze from the arms around him. "Do you think I'm going to hurt you? In bed? Or leave you or turn against you...I wouldn't do any of those things, you know that."

"I'm afraid that I'll never be able to leave you." the voice shook as he said the words. "I don't know if I can give up everything I've worked for to be with you."

"I'm not asking you to." Now Jim sat, pulling Blair around, a hand on the thickly-stubbled chin so he could meet his eyes. "I wouldn't let you."

"Even if I wanted to?" looking down, Jim's hand still holding his face, Blair shivered, a fine tremor running through his sturdy body. Relenting, Jim gathered him close and held him tightly.

"You've got to trust this, love. Trust us. We'll be good together in every way that counts. If you can't leave without me then I'll come with you. We'll work something out."

Blair was still and silent in his arms, but Jim deteced a slight easing of the tension under his hands.

"But that doesn't answer my other question; do you think I'm going to hurt you when we make love?"

A silent headshake, curls brushing his chest, they smelled so good...Jim had to pull himself back.

"Are you sure? It wouldn't upset me, love. I could understand."

"I can't imagine ever being afraid of you, Jim." Blair said with little-boy honesty. "I'm still not sure what I should do here, but I know you won't hurt me."

"I can think of things to do."

Laying back on the pillows again, Jim manuevered Blair until the younger man was lying on top of him, his legs between Jim's, their groins pressing together. Blair quickly adapted to the situation and lowered his head to suckle Jim's neck, his hands resting lightly on the older man's hips.

"Ahhhhh..." Jim sighed appreciatively. "That's good." Then he moved to reciprocate, hands in Blair's hair, kissing and nuzzling the younger man's neck and shoulder, tongue taking a few leaisurely moments to explore the silver hoops and the ear they adorned.

After a good half-hour of this both men were hard and panting. Blair pushed himself up on his elbows, staring down into Jim's flushed face, his deep blue eyes just a little wild.

"What next, Jim? Where do we go from here?"

Studying his young lover, Jim felt a shudder run through him, ending definitively in his cock. His hands spasmed tighter on Blair's head but he didn't flinch.

With a muffled grunt Jim thrust his hips upward, meeting the pressure of Blair's pelvis and erection, and Blair gasped in shock. Their cocks were seperated by two very thin layers of cotton and nothing else.

Holding Jim's eyes with his own, Blair echoed the movement, and then, suddenly, they were grabbing and holding and rubbing urgently against one another. Gasps and pants and low moans punctuated the activity.

Feeling the tightness in his balls that signalled impending orgasm, Jim slid his hands down Blair's back and took his square hips in a fierce grip, forcing him to stillness.

"Jim....wha'...?" Blair opened eyes that were now more black than blue.

"I think that's enough for now." gently Jim lifted the smaller man to the bed beside him and rolled to his feet, looking down at him. Blair's arousal was clearly obvious, the tip of his engorged cock peeping out from beneath the waistband of his boxers, a glistening drop of pre-cum hanging to it.

"Jim....oh, no way, man...." slumping back bonelessly, Blair moaned his frustration.

"We both have to go to work today." Jim reminded gently, pulling on his big robe and belting it before sitting on the bed beside Blair, who didn't even open his eyes. "I don't want to do any of this in a hurry."

"You're trying to kill me." Slitting one eye open, Blair judged the reaction to his accusation.

Smiling that smile, the one that would make Blair melt if he weren't already a previously-flesh puddle, Jim just leaned over and presed a long warm kiss to the high forehead, ignoring the hair that got caught in his lips.

Then he stood back up and Blair opened his eyes again, ready to whine.

"So when can we do something..."

"We'll pick this up tonight." Jim said softly. "I promise. You and I will begin loving each other the minute the light goes out and I say goodnight, love."

"I guess I can wait that long." Blair smiled back, still hungry for him, but happier than he could ever remember having been.

thursday, september 4, 1997

Detective James Ellison looked up from his paperwork suddenly. Across the aisle from Jim another set of detectives took note of the reaction and shared a secretive grin.

"How does he do that?" Ryf shook his head as he went back to the files he was sorting. A stack teetered on the very edge of his desk and his partner reached to steady it as he answered.

"I think they're psychic." Brown moved the stack over until it wasn't hanging off the edge anymore, but it still wobbled. "That would explain how the little guy got into Ellison's bed."

"No, I've heard some things about Ellison-the-great." Using his hands on the desk to push himself away, Ryf watched with resigned amusement as the stack toppled over and files slid across the smooth surface, the first one coming to rest with an inch hanging off the other side. "He wasn't such a good boy when he was in Vice."

The bullpen door opened and Blair bounced in, backpack swinging jauntily from one shoulder, other hand clasping a brown paper sack that issued a delicious smell.

"Whatever." Brown dismissed Ryf's words. "Ellison's a lot happier now, that's all I know."

He too pushed away from his desk, into Blair's path, spreading his arms out on either side to block him.

"Gotta pay the toll, Hairboy." he looked stern, but the twinkle in his eye proved that he was playing.

Looking comically distraught, Blair hid the sack behind his back and batted his eyelashes at the big black man.

"Oh, no! I'm caught. I must get these supplies through, oh, will anyone help me?" he delivered the plea in a breathy voice complete with puppy-dog eyes. Watching the performance from his desk, Jim rolled his eyes and snorted.

"No help for you." Brown warned, shaking a finger at him. "Pay the toll and you can go free."

Hesitantly Blair pulled the bag out from behind his back and opened it, looking around nervously.

"But all I have is baklava...and it's still hot from the bakery. Surely it's not enough to get past you?"

Ryf perked up at the mention of the warm treat and Brown threw him a grin.

"Well...." he seemed to consider it. "You don't look big enough to do any real damage...perhaps I could let you pass for...two pieces."

"Then I won't have enough to feed my wife and ten children!" Blair protested.

"When did this become 'Gone With the Wind', Sandburg?" Jim asked loudly, sounding annoyed, but grinning. "Feed the man and get over here before I have to write this report myself."

"Can't have that, can we." Blair grinned and reached into the sack, pulling out two wax-paper wrapped pieces of the honey- covered sweet. "Good thing I bought enough to share."

Brown and Ryf's thankyous were muffled by the bites they took.

Blair perched on the corner of Jim's desk and pulled out a third piece, unwrapping it in his hand.

"They were just pulling it out of the oven when I came in and I knew you like it." he said, holding it out to Jim. But instead of taking it from his hand the bigger man leaned over and took a bite from the corner, letting his lips brush the fingers that held it.

"Jim." Blair hissed, shifting, instantly aroused. "What are you doing?"

Jim glanced around the bullpen. This late, the only ones there were he, Ryf, and Brown, and he knew from eavesdropping on their conversation that they already suspected the relationship.

"Making you feed me." his smile was teasing, and Blair took it as a challenge.

"After last night I didn't think you'd ever eat again." the younger man squirmed to a more comfortable position and broke a corner off the pastry, offering it to his love.

Jim took it in his mouth and then closed his eyes, thinking about the night before. Blair had cooked a dinner that consisted entirely of fingerfoods and they had sat on a blanket on the living room floor in front of the fire and fed each other, at first by hand and then, as they got carried away, by mouth.

"I may make it a rule only to eat when you feed me." he opened his eyes again, seeing the memory there in Blair's as well.

Blair's fingertips rushed lightly over his pursed lips, ostensibly to remove crumbs, but Jim knew better.

"Last night was wonderful." leaning closer, braced on one arm, Blair whispered the words.

"It was, wasn't it." Jim leaned forward as well, no longer aware of his surroundings. With Blair's scent filling his head and his heartbeat thundering in Jim's ears, the bullpen ceased to exist.

"Are you sorry we didn't go any farther?" another whisper, this one close enough to brush Jim's cheek with warmth. He closed his eyes and his lips parted slightly, inviting.

"No...slow and easy, love. Like I told you." Jim opened his eyes and pulled back reluctantly, seeing the loss on Blair's face as the younger man took the hint and backed off as well, his feet hitting the floor as he slid off the desk.

Brown and Ryf were industriously working on files.

Blair worked on the report while Jim did a database search for information on a suspect.

The night before had been wonderful. But just when Blair thought his body was going to take over and he wouldn't have to listen to his mind anymore, Jim had stopped, pulling away from Blair and putting distance between them, with that gentle smile on is face.

"We have all the time in the world, love." he said when Blair objected rather loudly. "Slow and easy."

Now Jim worked beside him like nothing had changed. Even when Blair brushed against him he didn't react.

{He never says he loves me...just that one time. Just says 'I know you do.' when I tell him. What does that mean?}

Combined with his renewed insistence that they take things slow, Blair was afraid it meant that Jim didn't feel the same way he did...or at least not as strongly.

Suddenly the room felt too small.

Recognizing the sensation and knowing that a panic attack would follow if he didn't get out of here, Blair hopped up from the desk, grabbing his coat and pack. Jim stared at him, startled.

"I just remembered -- I've got to get to the library tonight and get some research done for the class I'm subbing next week. The guy I'm taking over for lost all his notes when his apartment burned."

"Can't you do it during the day tomorrow?" Jim gestured at the report. "That has to be turned in by then."

"It's pretty much done, Jim. Just write the closing and sign it. Ten minutes, max."

"Blair, I have got to hang around for these search results." Jim frowned. "I may not be home until really late."

"That's okay. I've got an early class tomorrow, I'll just go on to bed." turning to leave, Blair wasn't surprised to feel Jim's hand close on his wrist, turning him back.

"Is something wrong, love?" said so quietly, Blair couldn't help but wonder who he was afraid would hear.

Hair flying, Blair shook his head.

"No, I just got alot to do, man."

"Well, if you have something to do, then you have something to do." Jim's sigh proved he wasn't happy about it. But he seemed willing to accept. "D'ya mind if I say it now? It would make me feel better about you going home to bed by yourself."

Blair's eyes softened and he felt like he was being mean, running out on Jim when the big man needed him. But his chest was still tight and he knew he'd be fighting for air soon.

"Of course I don't mind." he said softly. "You can say it when you get home, too."

"But you'll be asleep." glancing around the room, Jim tugged on Blair's arm and moved him closer. "I like to see your face when I say it."

"Oh." a little sigh escaped Blair's lips and he lowered his eyelids to hide the emotions that churned through him.

How could Jim not mean it when he did things like this?

One big hand came up and brushed the tousled hair back behind an ear, stroking as it went, then cupping the side of his head.

"Goodnight, love." the words were low and filled with promise. Blair felt an answer run through his body, leaving him tingling.

His hand came up to cover Jim's.

"I l -love you." when his voice broke he knew he only had seconds left. "I've gotta go, Jim."

Nodding once, the older man pulled his hand away from Blair and turned back to his desk.

Blair jogged out of the bullpen and took the stairs, unable to face an elevator while this worked up. When he finally made it to the parking garage, he leaned against the hood of the Volvo, panting, trying to get his breathing under control.

{He didn't say it. I said it. Why didn't he say it?}

Finally breathing easily again, he opened the car door and stood for a minute, looking at the ceiling above him, knowing Jim was up there, working.

"i love you." he whispered. "i need to know if you love me...as much."

He got in the car and drove off.

In the bullpen, Jim stiffened and cocked his head. Had he heard Blair's voice....?

"Ellison, go home." the voice at his shoulder startled him and he slammed his hearing down as it boomed into his ears. "That report will wait. Hairboy might not." Brown delivered is advice and walked away.

Shaking his head to clear the ringing, Jim wondered what Blair had been saying....he was certain he'd heard something.

friday, september 5, 1997

"Blair?" Jim opened the door, worried. It was just past three a.m., and he couldn't detect any sign of his love in the loft. He'd begun reaching for him with his senses as soon as he parked the truck, but there wasn't anything here; no heartbeat, no breathing, no Blair.

{He said he had something to do at the school.} Jim calmed himself, feeling worry step in and set up shop. {He probably lost track of time or fell asleep at his desk.}

Well, Jim wasn't going to go to bed without the man he loved, not as long as they were both in the same city. He'd decided that a week ago. With a resigned sigh he turned around and went back out to the truck, locking the loft door behind him.

Unaware that he was mumbling under his breath, Blair continued straightening his office.

"...if he really loved me, he'd say it, right? i wouldn't be the only one saying it. he's such a big guy, why does it bother me when..." he finished clearing his desk and moved on to the filing cabinet, still mumbling.

The files he was filing had been sitting in a stack since before he'd met Jim -- in fact, he was pretty sure this was the stack he'd had to clear off the chair so Jim could sit down that first fateful day.

That memory made him pause in mid-file, hand suspended in midair, file clenched tightly in it.

Jim had lifted him then, shoved him against the wall. Blair had been frightened, but pissed as well. All of his life he'd had to deal with bigger guys who thought he was fair game because of his size, his lifestyle, the way he dressed and wore his hair. He'd learned, out of necessity, to avoid them when he could and to talk his way out of things when he couldn't...but it didn't always work.

{Who was the last guy to beat me up?} dropping the forgotten files into an heap on the floor, he backed up a few steps and sat on his desk, elbows on knees, thinking, absentmindedly brushing hair out of his eyes, tucking it behind his ears with both hands.

{Roger Breen.} the name brought an embarrassed flush. {Damn, I'd almost forgotten that.}

Ignoring the chagrin, he summoned the memory and went over it carefully.

Roger Breen had been a senior in Blair's class when Blair was fifteen. Blair had just transferred into the school, grateful that his mother had decided he should finish high school in the US, and determined to prove himself. Which he did by beating the socks off the class valedictorian, a girl named Amanda Sharp.

He'd been too naive to realize that the rest of the class at the small school might not take this well. Ater the first semester poor Amanda was in tears. Blair didn't gloat or anything, he'd learned the value of keeping his head down and his mouth shut, but Roger, Amanda's football-playing boyfriend, had decided to take matters into his own hands.

It hadn't been too bad, as far as beatings went. The worst the young Blair had ever experienced, not helped by the fact that Roger was over a foot taller and nearly a hundred pounds heavier than the not-quite-in-puberty-yet Blair. Little and skinny and awkward, there'd been no question of defending himself, with words or otherwise.

Roger had picked him up and literally thrown him into a wall....several times. Blair had ended up with a broken arm that required pins and a massive amount of bruises.

{Wow. No wonder I reacted that way when Jim held me like that.} the realization dawned on Blair as he sat. {It must have subconsciously reminded me of Roger.}

Moving to his chair, Blair flicked on his computer screen and pulled up his journal, ready to explore this revelation.

{So that's one problem solved.} he thought as he typed a quick paragraph about Roger Breen. {But what about the other? Why doesn't he say he loves me? I say it and he just smiles that smile...} his fingers stilling on the keyboard, Blair tried to decide if he were being fair to Jim. Thinking aloud often helped him organize his thoughts.

"Do I need to hear those exact words? I mean, he says other things....like 'goodnight, love'. And it seems really important to him to say that. Maybe he has been saying 'I love you' and I just haven't recognized it every time."

He resumed typing, wishing his fingers could move as fast as his thoughts. When he finished putting his meanderings down in cyberspace he felt better.

Leaning back in his chair he switched screens and idly began checking his email, not really caring about it, just needing to do something mindless to unwind a bit. Most of it was silly stuff, just hi-how-are-you notes in his personal account. He had two, one for private stuff and a second for school-related. The second one was where his anthropology mailing lists and research questions went to. He knew several people that often replied to both, depending on what they had to say. There were several forwarded posts containing really bad jokes and he read through them chuckling ruefully.

"What is the world coming to?" he laughed quietly as he read a 'hey, you, out of the gene pool' report on a burglar who dropped his clothes in the front yard of the house he was robbing, then ran away and left them there when he was discovered ...leaving his wallet and ID in the pants. "I wish all of our cases were that easy."

"Sandburg?"

The quiet voice at his door startled him. He was the only one here, nobody stayed here this late, but he never felt the flash of fear a voice at the door this late would normally cause.

{My body knew it was him.}

"Hey, sweetheart." he looked up with a bright welcoming smile.

{Oh, god. Look at him. And he called me 'sweetheart'.} Jim felt his heart turn over, wished Blair could hear it the way the big man could hear Blair's as it sped up in response to Jim's presence.

Crossing to the desk, Jim leaned over his shoulder and wrapped his arms around him, rubbing his face sensuously into the thick curls.

"You weren't home when I got there." he mumbled into the hair.

Blair's hands came up and wrapped over Jim's as he tilted his head back, leaning back.

"I'm sorry." he said it meekly. "I thought I'd get this place cleaned up and then I got distracted." he gestured expansively with one hand that returned quickly to hold to Jim's muscular forearm.

Jim glanced around the crowded room. He noticed haphazard patches of tidiness among the usual hit-by-a-hurricane disorganization.

"Just makes it more noticeable." he teased, beginning to nuzzle into the long hair, scenting deeply, going lower to breath warm air over the top of an ear, making Blair shiver slightly.

"Guess I should just stick to my old ways, huh?"

"If that means you're finished and ready to come home." delicately Jim nibbled on the upper curve of that ear, drawing a low groan from his love.

"Ah, Jim, that feels nice. I like that." Blair pressed himself back harder, knowing Jim's strength wuld be there to catch him, he wouldn't let him fall even if the the chair went over.

"It'll feel better at home." the promise was breathed into the tingling ear.

"Take me there." Without losing Jim's arms around him, Blair stood and stepped around the chair, to wrap himself closer and lift to his toes, pressing hard against his man, face buried at Jim's neck, eyes closed as he rejoiced in the feelings that swept him. "I love you!"

{I'm safe here. He could do anything and I'd know it was okay.} understanding the root of his fears had freed him from them.

"Love?" Jim held him, a bit confused by this sudden, impulsive outpouring of affection.

Blair tilted his head back and grinned at him mischievously.

"Take me home, sweetheart."

And Jim did.

Continued in part two.