Archive of Our Own ^beta

Author's disclaimer: They're not mine. Be glad, cos I'd make 'em do funny things, that they wouldn't normally do.

episode, in the Ricki series, Jim's POV. Thankyou to everyone, especially Jean, for making me go this far. Just think if you hadn't asked me to do more, I might have stopped at Megan.

I think I'm going to cry. Nup, had something in my eye. Feedback always welcomed

P.S. that question is answered. Did they really? Ewww!

Jim's Turn.

This is crazy. Totally insane. I've never been able to talk about how I feel in private, let alone in front of the whole country! Why am I even doing this?

It's Blair. It's all his fault. If he'd told me how he felt in the first place, I never would have gotten involved with Naomi. I mean she's a really nice woman and all, but she's no Blair. I've never met anyone like him.

Oh, that's right, Ellison, blame it all on him. Like you had absolutely nothing to do with it. The fact that you fell in love with him just weeks after meeting him, and continued to ignore those feelings for the next two years has absolutely nothing at all to do with this. Yeah, keep saying it Ellison, maybe you can make yourself believe it.

I didn't mean for anything to happen with Naomi, really. It's just, I was ... well horny, and she was there, and, she looks kinda like him, and, okay, that's no excuse, but I certainly didn't mean for it to go this far.

When I heard Blair talking to Connor on the phone the other night, I realised what was bothering him. It had been going on for weeks, him mumbling in his sleep, and crying when he thinks I'm not around, not talking to me, which is a real clue when we're talking about motor mouth Sandburg.

I thought at first that it was about Naomi. You know, dating his mother type stuff, and I guess that's still part of it. When he walked in on us in bed last week, I didn't know what to do, stop or keep going and pretend I hadn't heard him. In the end I was too scared to face him, so I chose the latter. Bad choice. Of course I was a little muddled right then, and I've never been great at snap decisions when it come to relationships.

Of course we were meant to be together, I've known that for years. Who else is there? But hormones don't always agree with the heart, and dammit, I wasn't getting any! Of course neither was he, and that was fine. I used to hate it when he came home smelling of someone else. But then, kinda suddenly, he stopped. I didn't understand it. It wasn't like there was a lack of offers, if anything, there were more. By the time I got the message, I was dating Naomi, and things kind of got more complicated from there.

So now I'm trying to fix it, in my own way. I have no clue what gave me the crazy idea of dumping Naomi and declaring my love for Blair on Ricki Lake, but to tell you the truth, right now I'm thinking that I've never had a dumber idea in my life.

"Naomi? Are you ready?" She's really a great woman, even if she can't make a bed to save her life. Hasn't anyone ever told her that the sheets need to be straight? I can see why Blair's so messy.

"Yeah sure, I'm coming, Jim" The way she looks at me, I know she knows something's wrong. The separate rooms should have told her that. But she doesn't say anything. How do I know how to act if she doesn't say anything? I'm beginning to understand how Blair feels when I won't talk to him.

Do you see that? All roads lead to Blair. That was my first clue. I was thinking about him all the time, even when I didn't need to be worried about him.

The next clue was the dreams. Whew, I've never had such surround sound dreams in my life. And I never knew you could do so many things with hair. That hair is just so, well, let me just say that he can leave as much hair as he wants down the drain, from now on, as long as he doesn't cut it off.

Okay, I'm losing concentration here. We're at his room now. Turning my hearing up a bit I tune into him. He's kind of like my favourite radio station, the steady beating of his heart like the most captivating love song.

Oh great, now I'm getting mushy.

"Come on Blair, it's time to go." I can hear him replace the receiver of the phone. Probably going to call Megan. Those two have become very chummy of late.

He's so quiet, it's scary.

I lead them both out to the limo without another word. What exactly am I supposed to say?

I used to like silence. Just being alone, allowed to think without interruptions. But then, Sandburg came along. And since then I've found it hard to cope with silence, since it usually means he's hurt, or worse.

You might think that the worst thing for me would be his death, but you'd be wrong. Death, I could accept, after several decades.

But if he were to leave me... if he were just to go, and never come back, I think I'd go insane. Knowing that he were out there somewhere, and not knowing where....

There was a time when I didn't need anybody.

We're here. Blair's confused. Yeah buddy, me too. Again, am I nuts?

"What are we doing here?" She's being very clingy. There's something wrong here. I try not to jump away from her.

"Uh.. well... you'll see." Oh boy, will you see.

Blair's heart rate spikes, and his breathing increases rapidly. Calm down, we're not at the good bit yet.

Sandburg," I ask, worried. "Are you all right?"

He visibly starts at my question, and then makes an effort to calm himself.

So we're ushered into this building and pampered with make-up that makes me want to sneeze and cough and throw up, from all the chemicals in it. No wonder I'm gay. I could never stand the make-up women wear.

I have to wait in the green room while the first guests are introduced, and I sit there, trying to find my guide in the building. I can't seem to find him, and I start to get a little worried. He wouldn't run out on me now, would he?

There's a knock at the door, and a technician tells me I have to go on-stage. As I follow him through the halls I check every room for Blair, with no success. Finally, just before going on-stage, I find him in a small room, just outside the studio. He's not breathing very well. When the studio doors open, I almost burst my eardrums at the sudden noise. Dialling down hastily, I walk slowly out to the row of chairs.

Ricki welcomes me as I sit down.

"Hi," I manage.

"You're not nervous are you Jim?" Stupid bloody woman! Of course I'm nervous.

"Jim's here today to confess to his girlfriend Naomi, that he's in love with her son Blair, who is also Jim's best friend. Jim, how long have you been in love with Blair?"

Forever. "Well, he moved in with me about two and a half years ago, and I guess it was love at first sight." The crowd ahhs, delighted. Oh God, and these are real people?

"Aww, isn't that sweet? So you've been in love with him for two and a half years? And when did you start dating Blair's mother Naomi?"

"Well, about a month ago." I answer, realising that this was the wrong answer even before the booing started.

"Why, Jim, if you're in love with Blair?"

Well you see, I was extremely horny, not having had sex for two and a half years, and.... No I don't think I'll say that. "Well, I'd kind of got used to the idea that Blair was straight, well at least I think he is, and I guess I thought it was time to get on with my life. But it just didn't work. It's Blair or nothing."

"Look, we have a question from the audience. You sir, what would you like to ask?"

It's a young man.... that's not just any young man! Daryl? Here? No. Please. How am I supposed to explain this to Simon? This day gets worse and worse. What kind of question could he have?

"Are you sleeping with his mother?" Oh, that kind of question.

I decide then and there, not to recognise him. If he wants to see the show, let him. God knows how many others are watching. I guess I should just be glad that no-one at the bull pen could be watching. "Er... umm ...well yes."

There's an uproar at this, of course, and Ricki does her best to quieten the audience, before introducing Naomi.

"Let's meet Naomi! Come on out!" There's an animosity in the air directed at her as she strides in. Anyone standing in the way of true love is a bad guy, I guess.

She kisses my cheek, before sitting down. What is with that?

"Hi, Naomi. So you're Jim's girlfriend?" Ricki addresses her, kindly. "Do you have any idea why you're here?"

I'm pretty sure she's got some idea. She's not a stupid woman by any stretch of the imagination. That's why I'm surprised to hear her response.

"Not a clue, Ricki."

Leaning over she puts her hand on mine, and gives me that smile. The traditional Sandburg "I'm gonna screw you, Jim Ellison," smile. Oh god , she wouldn't..... would she?

"Jim, darling." The crowd gasps. "What am I doing here?"

She would.

"Well, umm , Naomi, the truth is, I, uh..." Oh man, this is harder than when I practiced in the mirror- that's probably enough.

"....I don't think we should see each other any more."

"What? You're breaking up with me? On national television?" There's an inflection of insanity in her voice. "May I ask why?"

Swallowing convulsively, "Well actually it's Blair." There, I said it.

"Blair? As in my son, Blair? What does he have to do- Oh. Ohhh, no. You're not going to tell me..... you're gay?" She's starting to sound hysterical, and the crowd is eating it up. I am going to kill her!

I always have to be the bad guy.

Ohh god, she's doing the lip thing! I can't stand it! Now I know where he got that manipulative side.

And tears? How do I handle tears?

"Are you ok, Naomi?" Ricki asks gently.

"Yeah, I'll be fine, thanks." Sniffling pathetically. Humph. Women.

"Well, are we all ready to meet Blair?"

The audience screams their approval. "All right then, Blair, come on out!"

Wow, he looks good. Just a few minutes ago, he was almost suffering from respiratory failure, and now he's dancing all over the place.

He frowns at me when he see Naomi's tear-streaked face, and she stands up to accept his hug, before they both sit down.

"Welcome Blair, to the show. You don't have a clue as to why you're here do you?"

He shakes his head cheerfully. "No idea, Ricki, but I'm dying to find out." I could power the loft for a year on the thousand watt smile he gives me.

"Well Jim, are you going to tell Blair why he's here?" God no, I want the floor to swallow me right now.

"Uhh yeah, well Blair, the truth is, I -"

Woah, the man is suffering. His heart stops as he waits for the next words.

"I love you, Blair."

He doesn't answer. Why doesn't he answer? I suppose it could be shock.

"Blair?" Tell me I haven't misinterpreted it.

"What did you say, Jim?"

He wants me to say it again. Typical. Well, at least I know he's not going to keel over from a heart attack.

See look, there it is again. I was never a positive thinker before he came along.

Naomi is laughing somewhere behind us.

"I love you." Those eyes possess me.

"You love me?" Now that's a smile. That's definitely a smile.

Laughter, Love, and Life,
Erynn

End Ricki Lake: The End.