Archive of Our Own ^beta

Author's disclaimer: It's a PetFly kinda thing.

I'm Just Fuckin' With Ya
By JA Ingram And Olivia Monteith
Sentinel J/B NC-17 Humor

The day started out fairly normal. It was a Saturday and both men had the day off. Blair was sitting on the couch watching some dull nature program and eating toast as Jim sat in his boxers reading the paper, occasionally muttering something nasty about crumbs.

Yup, just a nice, normal day...then it happened.

"By the way," Jim mused aloud as he turned the page, "just so you know, I don't mind that you have the hots for me."

"What?!?" Blair coughed out in shock, //Damn, does he have telepathy now, too?// Blair asked himself trying to remember if he had called out Jim's name while enjoying his own...<ahem>'company' or something, "Man, don't fucking do that! Strawberry jam does not travel well up your sinuses!"

Jim looked at his friend who was blowing strawberry pits out of his nose with a small grin, "S'kay pal, I'm fine with it. I understand the attraction perfectly. I just want you to know that you don't have to hide anything from me and that it's all right."

Blair sputtered and asked again, in greater shock, "WHAT?! Where is this coming from?"... no pun intended. "And besides, what makes you think I'm having fantasies about you? Are we just a bit weary of reality, man? <smirk>"

Jim folded his paper neatly (big surprise) and sighed, "Blair, Blair, Blair," he shook his head a bit sadly, "I mean, I'd have to be blind not to notice the way you..." he held his hands up in a cryptic gesture.

"The way I what? C'mon, man--what? You can't just leave it there!"

Jim shrugged, "Well, you do ogle my butt a lot."

"I do not! What makes you think I ogle your butt? And are you saying you never checked out my ass?" Blair paused as he realized what he just said, //oh shit.//

As Blair looked at his friend's amused expression the younger man suddenly began to get pissed off, 'Fuck it! He started it.' "I mean, really pal, you were in the army--can we say 'communal showers'?--your tux has a green vest and bow tie, hey, let's face facts! You are not the poster boy for heterosexual here. And Jim, this is a two way street. Tell me, have you thought about me in that way?" he asked defiantly.

"Yeah, of course," Jim replied calmly.

"You have?" Blair squeaked. "I mean, of course you have." He looked unsure for a moment; a small half grin crossed his face. "You have, huh? Well, what did you think about?"

"Specifically?" Jim's eyebrows rose inquiringly.

Blair chewed his lip a moment, considering the consequences. "I don't know? Is it gonna make things weird? Are you gonna be able to look me in the eye tomorrow?"

"To tell you the truth, bud," Jim gave him a slightly leering grin, "I wasn't even looking you in the eye during."

Blair's eyebrows shot to his hairline. "Really? Wow. So was I good?" Damn, I never though of doing that.

That is, if Jim's 'that' was...y'know, that.

"Blair, do you have any moles?" Jim asked curiously. "Because in my fantasy you had this little mole right near the top of your thigh..."

"Shit, ah, no, not there," he gulped, "Well, back or front?"

"Back," Jim grinned, "right at the base of your round little butt cheek."

"You thought about fucking moles? Wait a minute," Blair said screwing up his face, "I have a pretty good imagination, but I didn't think about moles on you, or going down on you--I'm supposed to be the horny grad student here. This is not fair! You've got all that height and you have me with a mole on the top of my thigh!?!"

Jim just kept grinning that shit eating grin of his.

Blair frowned, "You know what is disturbing as hell? I do have one there...or close to there." He glared, "Jim? How the fuck did you know that?"

Jim remained silent, his eyes dancing with mirth.

Blair wasn't about to let this one go, "Jim, how did you know about the mole? Jim? HELLO! The mole?!?"

Jim's shoulders began to shake.

"Are you laughing at me?" Blair asked incredulously, "HEY! When did you see my ass? And did I just go down on you or did you return the favor?"

Jim was biting his lip at this point.

"Shit, I can't believe I asked that," Blair muttered. "And the mole, have you seen my ass? This is getting more unfair by the minute here!"

Unable to hold it in any longer, Jim began to make rude snorting noises through his nose but Blair continued on with his interrogation.

"Daydream or sleep dream?" the younger man's face was red with frustration, "HELLO! Am I distracting you? Are you laughing at me or what? My judgment is blown here, like my mind was a while ago, and you haven't mentioned if I was in your dream or not yet," Blair said, his voice taking on a stressed tone.

Jim sputtered and choked, "Your mind was blown or snort something else?"

Blair stomped his foot in aggravation, "Only you can answer that, it was your dream, ASSHOLE! So did you blow me or not?" There was a brief, horrified pause, "Wait a minute, were they involved? Assholes I mean." He began to mutter to himself in a way that reminded Jim of this neurotic little Chihuahua dog his Aunt once owned named 'Toby'. That was one fucked up little dog. "Was I on bottom? I mean I could take my turn, but I am not a full time bottom boy. It could be fun, don't get me wrong, but just because you're bigger..."

Blair suddenly blushed, "Well, you know, 'stature' wise. I don't know about... that...but, I mean, just 'cause you're taller doesn't mean I can't top!"

Jim started laughing so hard he could feel his stomach muscles spasm but Blair just kept on going like the Energizer Bunny on crack with serious gender issues and neurotic tendencies that only a Catholic or another Jew could fully appreciate.

"You don't have to pick on the little guy, well, vertically challenged...Would you stop that!!!" he yelled, "This is not funny! You probably just said that a while ago to set me off, you big fucker! You said it just to get me started and have a big joke on ol' Sandburg, didn't you? I could kick your ass," he growled as he stalked to his room.

"You'd have to reach it first, Chief, " Jim smiled then snatched up the remote, changing it from the dull ass science program Sandburg had been watching to something involving sweaty men and balls, and not the kind they had been discussing either.

Blair turned immediately, "Oh man, That was low!"

"No, you are."

"Asshole." Then Blair blushed as thoughts flitted through his mind of what they had been discussing.

Jim offered him a maddening grin then saluted him with his quickly warming beer, "Ah man, hey--if it's of any comfort I was just fuckin' with ya, okay?"

Blair glared at the back of his head. "No, it isn't of any comfort and no, you aren't fucking with me. Not now especially!"

And with that, Blair turned on his heels and stalked toward his bedroom, slamming the door behind him so hard that a light flurry of plaster rained down on Jim's head from the ceiling.

Turning his attention from the TV, he stared at the dust on his shirt, brushed at it in consideration, picked up the remote control and flipped though a few channels. After a couple minutes of watching his roommate's door more than the TV, Jim stood up and walked over. He tapped lightly, "Chief? You really mad?"

Silence greeted him so he tapped and tried the knob.

"Go away, you fucking bastard." Blair said in a low growl, "And I know you heard that. In fact, I bet since some things are universal, you can hear what finger I'm holding up, you prick!"

"Blair," Jim began, somewhat alarmed at the sound of his own voice. Shades of Carolyn...

That was the voice he used when he had eaten Carolyn's homemade facial cream shortly after she decided to learn how to cook and told her it was the best pudding she'd ever made.

It was the voice he had used when he forgot to buy Midol and Kotex on the way home.

It was "The Whipped Voice".

"oh, man, " he moaned softly. "Chief, if it's bothering you, just forget about it."

Suddenly, the door opened with such speed that he felt the wind whoosh up the legs of his boxers, and there stood a very pissed off Blair Sandburg. It was quite an impressive and intimidating sight, so much so that Jim briefly bemoaned the fact that his choice in undergarments did not come with an athletic cup sewn in.

"Just 'forget' it? You send me off on a fucking tangent--you set me up so you could get the fucking remote--on something so personal that you fucking humiliate me, and then, AND THEN, you say, 'Just forget about it'? Well, NO! I won't forget it! You have just opened the door to HELL because you do NOT fuck with a short Jewish guy. We take so much SHIT, and then we just can't take anymore SHIT from you tall, Aryan, goy assholes! Well, listen here, you freakish ceiling scraping, knuckle dragging bastard--"

Meanwhile Jim found himself being backed up as Blair advanced on him, nearly foaming at the mouth and jabbing his finger into the center of the stunned man's bare chest.

"--I put up with a lot of SHIT from you and I don't snicker at you behind your back when you go into your 'Barney Fife' routine and start imitating a FRUIT ARRANGEMENT! Now that is something that is screaming to be joked about! And what about this shit 'Do you hear that?' 'Do you see that?' Duh! Get a fucking clue, man! I am not a Sentinel, I wear fucking glasses for a reason--talk about the stupid question of the YEAR! And what the fuck is it with you dropping your fucking gun every goddamned time, huh? When you aren't DROPPING it on accident, you're tossing the fucking thing away ON PURPOSE!!! Don't they take points off for that in fucking cop school?!? I'm a fucking anthropologist and I still manage to hold on to a weapon better than YOU!"

Jim, by this point, had been steadily herded up the stairs and across the platform of his bedroom, but Blair showed no signs of slowing down.

"And as for short jokes, let's get into jokes about size when I get those damn boxers OFF!" Jim gave a surprised yelp when his heels hit the bed and he fell on the mattress ass over teakettle seconds before his roommate grabbed his shorts. He briefly considered trying to hang on to them but the look on Sandburg's face was...well, scary. All he could do was lie there slack jawed and try not to cringe at the sound of the threads giving way. Blair then proceeded to quickly yank off his own layers of clothes, mumbling unintelligibly the entire time.

"Uh, Chief? Chief, what are you doing?" Jim asked tentatively.

"Shut your mouth man, before I stick something in there to keep you quiet." he snarled as he turned to the dresser, and began scattering things right and left. Briefly he stopped to mumble, "Well, maybe we'll try that part later..."

Before Jim could ask him to expand on his last comment, Blair turned to him and snapped, "Fuck, man, don't you keep anything around? You said 'Sure Sandburg I've thought about you,' but you didn't bother to keep something up here just in case?!? Bullshit!"

He stomped down the stairs and Jim heard things flying and crashing in the bathroom below. Just as he stood up to lean over the railing and try to see what was going on, Sandburg came flying out of the bathroom and looked up the stairs at Jim. His face an angry shade of purple and his frizzy hair was sticking straight up with enough static electricity to light up an entire city block. "Did I fucking say you could get up? I don't think so! Get your ass back over there!" Blair shouted, and for some reason Jim couldn't fathom, he obeyed...quickly.

From his position on the bed, Jim heard Blair stomp into the downstairs bedroom and followed by more crashing and sounds of drawers being pulled out, their contents scattering on the floor along with several muffled curses. Dumbfounded, he stared at the platform under his feet. At this point, his brain the consistently of slush as he listened to his once rather jovial roommate lose his mind. Just as he started going over a short mental list of nice, private psychiatric facilities, Jim heard a shout of triumph and the sound of Blair's bare feet stomp back up the stairs.

As Sandburg advanced on him he felt goose flesh rise all over his body and a shiver ripped through him from the base of his spine to the top of his cotton filled skull. Before he could think much about it though, he found himself being shoved back against the mattress. 'SHIT!' he had time to think before he gasped in shock at the cold gel on Blair's fingers as his guide began to hurriedly prepare him. To say this was an uncomfortable turn of events would be an understatement and the older man was just about to protest when he caught sight of Blair's face. His eyes were burning fever bright, his face flushed, and jaw muscles twitching as he looked down at Jim with raw, unbridled need mixed with real anger. Jim froze in shock, all protests temporarily forgotten as he tried to absorb this new bit of information. The pause was long enough for Blair to push down his own boxers, and grab Jim's legs, pulling them apart with a notable lack of coordination.

"Whoa!" Jim's mind finally caught up, but his mouth wanted to confirm it. "Chief? What are you doing?"

"What the fuck do you think I'm doing? I know you've seen a condom before," Blair asked sarcastically between clenched teeth as he hauled one of Jim's legs over his shoulder with one hand, the other fumbling with the foil package in his mouth.

"Yeah, I've seen one before, but I want to know why you have one and look like you're about to use it with malicious intent," Jim sputtered.

"You're quicker than I gave you credit for," After he rolled on the condom one handed he paused a moment, as if trying to remember something. "Oh yeah!" Blair mumbled as he suddenly leaned down and pressed his lips so hard against Jim's that the other man was certain he was trying to eat his face from the inside out.

...and damn if it wasn't good because before Jim realized it, he had his hands over Blair's shoulders, gripping him tightly, and biting back a sharp gasp, followed by a moan as Blair slid inside him, and began to fuck him at a frenzied pace.

Then Sandburg raised up and began to talk in a low, growling tone, "Was this in your dreams, man? Did you think about this?"

Jim didn't know why in the hell he felt the need to answer, lord knows it was difficult what with the sharp rocking motions and the fact that he was sucking and biting on Blair's chin. "No... but... it should... have been!"

"I thought so--Big Jim Ellison is a bottom boy! You're loving this." Blair snickered evilly as he twisted his hips with artistic relish, "Who's your daddy?"

"Don't make me--ah-- laugh, Chief," Jim pleaded desperately.

Blair just kept on snickering like the devil himself and picked up the pace.

"Okay, tell me, then. Who's the big guy now? Huh, Jim?"

"I'm still bigger than you, you little twerp!"

Blair paused thoughtfully, ""Oh, so should I stop?"

"Hell no!"

Blair reached down and grabbed Jim's cock, instantly sending the larger man into twitching, spasmodic fits.

"Shiiiitttt!!!" Jim howled as Blair kept pumping him throughout his orgasm and talking dirty, but Jim couldn't hear him for the roaring in his ears.

Blair grimaced but kept on bump and grinding away like a trooper, "Hey Jim man, keep it down willya? This shit takes concentration."

After a few more mindbending thrusts of his hips, Blair climaxed, gulping for air as he collapsed over Jim's chest then rolled off, his energy supply completely depleted.

For a long time both men were quiet, their hearts thumping double time in their respective chests. With a shaky hand Jim reached up to brush some sweat out of his eyes and winced. Damn, his butt hurt. Turned out Sandburg wasn't such a little dude after all and he had the ass burn to prove it!

Blair rolled over onto his side bonelessly and looked Jim in the eye, "And another thing! From now on things are gonna to be different around here, you got that Ellison?"

Jim gazed back at him with a goofy grin, proving that more than one brain cell had been flushed through the tip of his cock. "I got it. Say, what was that thing you mentioned earlier...? Something about shutting me up?"

"Oh yeah, almost forgot about that. Well my friend, I got what you need riiiight here..."

He sure did. <grin>

The <ahem> End