Archive of Our Own ^beta

Author's disclaimer: The Sentinel and its characters are the property of Pet Fly and UPN. No money is made. No copyright infringement intended.

Jim sat at his desk trying to concentrate on paperwork. The office echoed like the lonely ghost of Christmas past, devoid now of the afternoon's laughter and cheer of those celebrating Christmas Eve.

What did you expect, Ellison? For the last few years you volunteered to take the evening shift so those with wives, husbands and kids could be with their families on Christmas Eve. So you were scheduled again this year. Big surprise. Except this year you'd liked to have been home..with Blair.

Blair had made the loft a home, not just a place to eat, sleep and grab a shower. Blair had warmed the place with his presence, his special brand of joy for life. Yeah, Blair had been living with him last Christmas, but they hadn't gotten to know each other that well yet, were still building a friendship as well as a working partnership. But this year Christmas meant so much more. More than it had in so long. No one had ever made him feel like this, not even Carolyn had made his life this full and rich.

Jim let his mind wander all around that thought, Blair front and center. Only Blair had brought real meaning to his life of late, a spark, a diamond glistening in the eternal search for meaning in a world that could be so very confusing and sometimes empty of meaning or purpose. Blair was like a lightbulb going on in the darkness, like the moon, a guiding entity in his world of shadows.

I should tell him, Jim thought. I shouldn't let another day go by without telling him how I feel about him. I've seen so many good people taken down unexpectedly, so many lives lost and the first thing I hear from those left behind...'I didn't get to tell him how much he meant to me...I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye. Did I even tell her that I loved her this morning?'

So many regrets for not saying what should have been said. So many regrets for arguments left hanging and the guilt that lay forever on that soul throughout the rest of that soul's life.

Jim glanced up at the clock. 10pm, two hours till midnight, the enchanted hour where Christmas Eve becomes Christmas. This was the time, he thought.

I will not let this chance slip away, even if Blair turns away from me afterwards, even if Blair rejects my love, I have to tell this young man that I love him...need him...want him....

With another glance up at the clock, Jim turned back to his paperwork and waited for midnight to come.

Blair stood in the center of the loft, gazing at his handiwork. Candles of red and green glowed softly around the apartment. A fir tree dressed in green lights and delicate ornaments of colored glass stood vigil over an assortment of prettily wrapped packages in one corner. A fire glowed in the fireplace warming the room.

Blair smiled and hoped Jim wouldn't mind the decorations. He hoped it would surprise the detective and make up for Blair being unable to help Jim at the office today and tonight.

Blair moved to sit on the rug in front of the fireplace, thinking of how happy he was to be here, how much this place had become a home to him, unlike so many places he had spent the holidays in recent years.

Oh, nothing against Naomi or his childhood. He'd had plenty of wonderful experiences with his family's Jewish rituals and many a Christmas spent with Naomi's friends. Naomi was a good mom in her own special way. She had given him many gifts, a free spirit of adventure, an open mind. She had given him a strong sense of right and wrong, of responsibility to this world of people and the environment. But Jim had given him a home, a place where he could rest his wanderlust and never feel the need to escape.

Jim's strength and steadiness had offered him something he hadn't known he needed until he had found James Ellison. That need was made manifest every day of his life now. Jim needed him and he needed Jim. He liked the feeling and he wanted to stay here forever with this man, so big and strong, yet supportive and quick to praise. Jim Ellison was a man who could touch another man and not fear for his masculinity in doing so. That took confidence few men possessed.

I should tell him, Blair thought. I shouldn't let another night or another day pass without telling him what he means to me, how much I need him. Even if he throws me out. Even if he hates me afterwards. I should still tell him.

But somewhere deep in his heart, Blair knew Jim would not hate him, would not reject him in such a way. Jim was too decent of a man to do that. Even if rejection was what Blair got for his declaration of love, he knew it would be done gently. And they would still be friends...always.

Blair slid down to lie, gazing still at the leaping flames that warmed his body even as thoughts of Jim warmed his heart. Drowsiness slipped over him and he let sleep take him into dreams in that hour before midnight.

The elevator hummed as it took Jim up to his floor. The key slipped into the lock and he quietly opened the door just in case Blair was asleep.

He was greeted by the aroma of pine wafting gently through the air, not overpowering to his senses, just a nice reminder of the outdoors. Light Christmas music played in the background, unobtrusive yet setting a definite mood of celebration.

Sandburg, you little elf. Looks like Santa's been here and brought presents to boot, Jim thought when the tree caught his eye.

He noticed the fireplace glowing and realized Blair was lying, sound asleep, beside it. One arm was stretched out, head pillowed there and the young man's body was a relaxed line of red and green plaid flannel topping blue jeans. The dark curls lay against the high cheekbone and along the shadowed jaw.

He's beautiful, Jim thought. In a totally masculine way, Blair was truly beautiful. Like an angel fallen to earth, left here to help me with my life. My Christmas angel.

Jim knelt down beside Blair, sliding down to lie with his elbow propping him up. He gazed at Blair's sleeping form, mesmerized by the young man's features. Dark lashes brushed cheekbones, the skin there soft looking and smooth. Jim's gaze slid down Blair's nose to those full lips, so sensual...so very kissable. Silver glinted between strands of curls, drawing Jim's attention to the lobe those silver hoops caressed. He wanted to taste that place on Blair, just one of so many places he wanted to taste.

He let his gaze slide down Blair's body. How different from his own, Jim thought. Masculine, but different, lean, quick, agile...like a runner rather than a weightlifter. He wanted to touch Blair's bare skin and feel the warmth of Blair's body beneath him, against him.

Jim couldn't wait any longer. He reached out a hand, fingers brushing back the hair from Blair's face. The eyelashes quivered and a line formed between eyebrows, disappearing nearly as quickly as it had come.

Blair drew in a quick intake of air, stretched and yawned. Jim smiled at the sight of his beloved guide, his friend, his shaman in this totally relaxed and vulnerable state of waking.

Dreamy blue eyes opened languidly and went wide.

"Jim," Blair gasped and started to sit up. But Jim lay a hand on Blair's shoulder and gently settled the anthropologist back to a reclined position. "I must have fallen asleep."

"It's okay, Chief. Relax." Jim's gentle voice seemed to lull Blair and the young man moved to prop himself up on one elbow, a mirror of Jim's position. "No wonder you fell asleep. You wore yourself out decorating."

Blair looked down in apparent embarrassment, hand running back through his mop of hair.

"I hope you don't mind. I wanted to surprise you."

"Well, consider me surprised. It's beautiful...wonderful. This is the best Christmas I've had in a long time."

Blair glanced up with a pleased smile. "Really? You mean that?"

"Absolutely, Chief. I'm glad you're here."

"Me too, man."

Jim reached out a hand to caress Blair's cheek, fingertips touching the soft skin of Blair's neck. Blair didn't pull away from this intimate touch. In fact, the young man leaned into Jim's touch, eyes going closed then opening again to gaze at Jim with an extraordinary intensity.

"Blair...there's something I want to tell you. Something I've been needing to tell you, but haven't been brave enough to say."

Blair tilted his head a little, look going inquisitive and eager.

"What is it ,Jim? You can tell me anything. You don't ever have to be afraid to tell me anything. I'll never betray your trust."

"Oh god, Blair...god." Jim stroked Blair's face, drawing in the warmth and texture, memorizing Blair's scent and features, the rhythm of Blair's heartbeat so that no matter where they were, no matter the circumstance, he would be able to find his guide. No matter the distance or obstacles, no matter the length of time apart, he could find Blair.

"Jim...are you all right?" Jim felt Blair's hand move to lay on his wrist, hot to his bare skin, sensual without even meaning to be.

Jim nodded and offered a wane smile. "Blair...I love you. I can't even begin to tell you how much you mean to me. How much I need you."

Blair's face went blank for a moment then lit up with what appeared to be delight. The young man's eyes closed as if savoring his words. After a moment, the eyes opened, and Jim saw love there and happiness so intense the seeing almost blinded him.

"Oh man, Jim, I don't know what to say."

Jim feared for a score of seconds that he had misinterpreted Blair's expression, that the look hadn't been love, but then Blair's eyes looked misty and there couldn't be any mistake.

"I've been afraid too, Jim," Blair continued finally. "I was afraid you wouldn't feel the same way. I love you too...need you...want you. I want to be everything you need, everything you want me to be."

"You already are, baby...and so much more."

Blair leaned towards him and Jim saw the moment. This was it and he let his hand move to cup the back of Blair's head, fingers twining in the dark curls. Their lips met, the kiss easy and tentative. Jim drew back and gazed into Blair's eyes. Blair acknowledged what was happening between them, obviously unafraid to move forward with this new aspect of their relationship. And Jim intended to be unafraid as well, ready for anything as long as Blair was beside him.

Jim leaned in for another kiss, rolling Blair onto his back. Blair opened his mouth to him and Jim took full advantage of the opportunity without hesitation, without second thoughts.

Jim let his senses take in every aspect of Blair. His partner tasted even better than Jim had expected, rich and flavorfully exotic. The taste melded with Blair's scent, herbal and earthy until taste and smell were indistinguishable, sound and sight doing the same. Jim closed his eyes and listened to the sounds of their kissing and Blair's little gasping breaths. The man's chest rose and fell beneath his body making Jim's heart flutter. This was his every desire. His only wish and hope and dream. The only Christmas present he needed for the rest of his life. This was so very right.

Jim finally let up, allowing both of them to breath again. They stared at each other, gaging long term intent, Jim imagined. And what he saw in Blair's eyes assured him that this wouldn't be some little fling, no one night stand. He saw eternity in those blue eyes, dreamy for him and only him. He saw his soul mate in Blair's gaze.

Blair reached up, fingers caressing Jim's face, tracing the line of his jaw.

"Merry Christmas, Jim."

Jim smiled down on his angel, his guide, his shaman...his lover and soul mate.

"Merry Christmas, Chief. I love you."