Author's webpage: http://enook.net/hl/deshaun/deshaun.htm

Author's disclaimer: Not mine, theirs.

Author's notes: What would I do without Ruth and Lisa, both of whom just rolled their figurative eyes when I told them about this and told me to write it anyway. And, of course, thanks nan.

Peanut Butter
By Diana DeShaun

Thunk...."I am a schmuck"...thunk..."I am such a schmuck"...thunk...

Jim Ellison sat in bemused silence as he watched his roommate literally bang his head against the loft door. So much for a nice, quiet evening. Seemed like every time he tried to sit in the dark and just think, something or, more often, a certain some one interrupted him. Far be it from him to interrupt Blair's little epiphany of schmuckiness, but...Jim winced at a particularly hard thunk and shook his head. "Sandburg."

Thunk...thunk..."a huge schmuck"...

"Sandburg!"

Thunk...thunk...

"Blair!" Jim fairly yelled it this time.

Blair jumped like he'd been stung and whirled around, trying unsuccessfully to peer into the darkened loft. "Who? Jim?" Groping blindly, Blair found the light switch and flicked it to the 'on' position.

"Hey!" Eyes squeezing shut in the sudden glare, Jim said huffily, "Thanks a lot, Sandburg."

"Oh jeez, Jim, I'm sorry." Blair's face squinched up in sympathy. "Just dial it down, okay?"

"Now he tells me." After a moment, Jim was able to open his eyes and study the miserable looking man across from him. With a smirk he asked, "Is this the face of erectile dysfunction?"

Blair immediately lost the contrite look he'd been wearing and frowned. "Ha ha. Very funny. You watch way too much t.v., man. And why aren't you in bed anyway?"

"Shouldn't that be my line, Romeo?" Jim shot back. "Besides, it's early yet. Give, Sandburg. What happened with Ms. Right # 817?"

With a deep breath, Blair shuffled forward and sat beside Jim on the couch. "What a mess. I just couldn't believe it, you know? It was just supposed to be a pleasant little double date. I mean, there we were, Bunny and me-"

"Bunny? Your date's name was Bunny?" Jim gave a hoot of laughter. "You have got to be kidding. What did she look like? No, no, don't tell me. I can guess." He held up his hand to stop the reply before it started. "Bunny. So all this time you've been boffing like bunnies, you've actually been boffing with Bunny!"

Blair stood up, anger growing on his face. "You know, Jim, this fixation you have with my sex life is getting pretty old." He turned to leave.

Chiding himself, Jim sobered immediately as his hand shot out and grabbed Blair's wrist. "Wait. I'm sorry, Chief. That was uncalled for. Sit back down." He gave a gentle tug and Blair settled slowly back beside him. "Now, tell me what happened."

Searching Jim's face for a long moment, Blair was apparently satisfied with what he found there. "Okay. We were at that Concert in the Park, right?"

Jim nodded.

"Anyway, it was me and Bu--my date, and Nan and Christine."

"Nan and Christine, the paramedics?" Jim found that he wasn't really surprised. "Ha, I knew those two had more in common than the same shade of lipstick!"

Blair's mouth crimped in a reluctant grin. "Can't put anything past you. Anyway, Bunny was acting up all evening. I mean, I shoulda known. When I introduced her to Nan and Chris, she wouldn't even shake their hands. Just acted like she didn't see them or something." Blair shook his head. "It was embarrassing, you know? I mean, they're my friends, and there they were pretending they were glad to be with us."

"You know, I've seen both those women face down gang members without flinching." Jim chuckled as he admitted, "Truth be told, when Nan gets all piss and vinegar about something and that blond mohawk of hers starts quivering, I'm kinda scared of her myself. Neither of them is someone I'd like to mess with. Are you sure Bunny was being rude? Maybe she really didn't see their hands."

Blair leaned back and looked at Jim carefully. "To look at you, no one would ever suspect you were so naive." Reaching up, Blair grasped Jim's head firmly between his hands and tilted it down until they were practically nose to nose. "Trust me, Jim, she was being rude. In fact, she got more and more rude until she finally stood up in the middle of the concert, told me she couldn't take being around me and my unfortunate choice of companions any longer, and left!"

"Okay, okay. She was being rude. Maybe it was plain old-fashioned jealousy. You ever thing of that? Could be Bunny figured you had three dates." Jim grinned as Blair released him and sat back. "Hmmm, I'm trying to remember my biology, are bunnies territorial?"

Intent on his story, Blair refused to rise to Jim's baiting. "Nope, it wasn't jealousy either, man. I mean, they both kissed me when we first met up with them, and Bunny didn't even blink. I know exactly why she left, Jim. And so did Nan and Chris. They were holding hands, and Nan said something funny and Chris leaned over to give her a kiss....Bunny jumped outta that chair like it was burning her."

Jim nodded slowly. "I see."

"Do you? Do you really?" Blair leapt up and began pacing. "Cause I'd like to think you did. I really would." He stopped and stared down at his partner. "How do you feel about homosexuals, Jim?"

Jim opened his mouth to speak, but Blair didn't give him a chance. "I wonder about that sometimes...no, I wonder about that a lot. Cause it's just one of those things, Jim, like a, like a...characteristic. One person may have red hair, one may have black. One may be homosexual, one may be straight. That make sense to you?"

The question was asked earnestly, and Blair obviously wanted an answer, but he didn't so much as pause for breath. "I mean, god, Jim! It's like...it's like...peanut butter. One person may like it, one person may not! Is that so hard to accept either way? It's not a defect, it's not a sickness, it's not anyone's fault---it's just peanut butter!" Blair was shouting now, exasperation and frustration pouring off him in waves.

Jim stared up at Blair in mild astonishment. He just didn't see Blair this upset very often. By the time he realized Blair had finally stopped ranting and was, indeed, waiting for some sort of response, the younger man had thrown his arms out in disgust and turned away. "I should've known better than to think..." Blair's voice trailed off with a sigh. Still not turning around, he headed for the bathroom and paused at the door. "I'm gonna take a shower, maybe scrounge something to eat. I'll talk to you in the morning, Jim." And with that very obvious dismissal, he stepped inside and closed the door softly behind him.

Jim's first thought was that he should be offended. How dare Blair presume to know his opinion on such a thing. However, his next thought brought a slow smile to his face, and Jim heaved himself up off the couch and headed into the kitchen. Maybe it was time he explained a couple of things to Mr. Blair Sandburg. Yep, maybe it was.

%%%%%

By the time Blair emerged from the bathroom, wrapped in his comfortable old robe, his hair still hanging in damp tendrils around his face, Jim had everything ready.

"There you are, Chief. Took you long enough." With a little smile, Jim beckoned his guide back into the living room.

"Um, I was just gonna go find a snack," Blair half turned toward the kitchen only to brought up short by Jim's next words.

"I, er, I made you a snack. Come here." Jim could see the confusion in Blair's eyes as he walked over to the sofa and looked down at the tray sitting on the table in front of it.

"Jim?" His eyes grew wider as he studied the crackers sitting in a neat little pile beside a newly opened jar of..."Jim?" he whispered it this time.

"You never gave me a chance earlier, Sandburg. Seems to me you were just about as rude to me, making assumptions and all, as rabbit girl was to Nan and Chris."

It was Blair's turn to try to speak, but Jim shook his head and continued. "As a matter of fact, I like peanut butter, Sandburg. In fact, these last few months, I've come to realize I absolutely love it." He stuck his index finger deeply into the jar and brought it back up to show Blair, running his tongue slowly up and down the length of it.

"Now, I don't want to be guilty of making assumptions too, and you never actually said." His hand dipped down again, then he stood and held his peanut butter coated finger near Blair's face. His voice lowered to a throaty whisper, "Well, how about it, Blair? Do you like peanut butter?"

Instead of answering aloud, Blair leaned forward and sucked Jim's finger into his mouth. As he felt that hot, wet tongue curl around his flesh and begin to suck, Jim groaned softly, "God, Chief. I guess you do."

%%%%%

After seeing a reluctant Blair off to school, Jim climbed into the shower. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been so happy, even if he was so tired he couldn't think straight. He snickered a little at that. Think straight. Not hardly. As he swirled the soapy cloth over his chest, wincing a bit when it hit sensitive nipples, he tried to remember any errands he needed to run on this rare day off. Well, there was really only one that couldn't wait, grocery shopping.

He thought of all the items he had placed on the list: chocolate syrup, honey, whipped cream, cherries, and, of course, peanut butter. They definitely needed more peanut butter. As he began to dig at the caked gooey remnants lurking deep inside his navel, Jim rolled his eyes in amused exasperation. Who knew the younger man had such a fetish about peanut butter? Hopefully, some of the more user friendly foodstuffs he planned to stock up on would strike Blair's fancy.

Jim frowned as he gave up on his belly button, resoaped the cloth, and began to push it farther south towards the back forty. One thing was sure, he thought to himself, making a mental note to write it down just in case, he wasn't ever, ever gonna buy crunchy.

end