Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Due to length, this story has been split into three parts.

Author's homepage: http://internetdump.com/users/angiet

Between Dusk and Dawn - part one
by Jack Reuben Darcy

Tuesday

“What are you thinking?” Blair asked into the silence.

Jim let his gaze sweep across the park, only lighting on the windswept trees basking in warm spring sun. There were a dozen things he could say; silly things, useless things. He could take his pick and still not say anything that mattered. Instead, he shifted on his seat at the picnic table and vaguely hoped Blair wouldn't press the issue.

"Well?"

"Well what?" Jim glanced back down to the bowl in front of him, keeping his mind deliberately blank.

Blair kept his voice level, noncomittal. "What are you thinking?"

Haphazardly, Jim chose a thought, virtually at random, “That I can’t believe you talked me into eating noodles.”

“I didn’t say a word.”

“Not today, no.”

Blair was silent again, then when he spoke, his voice was soft and almost gentle – almost. “In that case, what are you feeling?”

The question caught Jim off-guard; he’d assumed the conversation wouldn’t get so intense so quickly – if ever at all, ever again. It was against the rules - his rules. But then again, wasn't this quiet lunch in the park against the rules as well? And this had been his suggestion. But he was still unable to gather his thoughts properly so his only reaction was autonomic. He took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly, his response along with it. “Sad.”

He kept his eyes on a patch on the wooden table, deliberately allowing his Sentinel sight to examine the threads of the surface, the rough edges no normal eye could ever see. It was the only way he could keep his focus, concentrate enough to say nothing more than that single word – because more words would only ruin the tacit peace they’d arranged. So much time and effort to get this far. So much wasted time. Horrible time he would forget if he could; freeze dry and never look at it again. Weeks of misery so dark it seemed impossible that before the bad times, there had in fact, been good times. The shadow was more than capable of blotting out that month or so of pure sunshine. Blair had forced this peace upon them - and Jim had set down the rules. All to rebuild a friendship both secretly believed was beyond hope - and yet, they both continued to work at it, fraily, hesitantly, dangerously. But they had to try - and what they had now was so much better than last week - or the weeks before. Much better. But still Jim had to be careful, had to damp down his thoughts, go nowhere near what he really wanted to say, wanted to do. Another of his rules. Rules Blair had agreed to and now broke. Rules Jim didn't think of reminding Blair of.

It was some moments before he risked a glance at Blair – and nearly fell off the seat with shock when he saw tears falling silently down that face, eyes wide and almost turquoise blue in the midday shade. Blair was staring… not at him, exactly, but almost through him, as though he were trying to see a Jim from the past, rather than this one before him. But the look in those eyes stayed anything Jim might have said. Instead, his hand shaking a little, he reached out and touched Blair’s, watched the focus slip and change until it caught up with the present. There was a split second when Blair’s hand moved under his – and then the moment was gone, leaving behind only a trail of open tragedy Jim couldn’t ignore.

He took the dead applecore from Blair’s other hand then collected his empty noodle bowl. Trying to give Blair a moment, Jim stood and took the refuse to the bin and dropped it inside. In the distance, he could hear children playing, guys in a game of touch football on the other side of the park. Again deliberately, he dialled up his hearing to focus on the heartbeat of the man seated behind him, a sound that was as familiar to him now as his own. It beat steadily, if a little hard, but Blair seemed to be gathering himself. So Jim turned and watched him unobserved for the first time. Blair now sat with his back to Jim, his elbows on the table, hands together. All Jim could see of his face were the long black curls, shoulders hunched slightly.

Walking up to him, Jim reached out a hesitant hand and smoothed down one strand of that hair. Instantly, Blair leaned into the touch – and almost as quickly, stiffened and moved away.

“Please, Jim, don’t.”

Jim didn't ask why. He already knew far more than he wanted to know. He dropped his hand and returned to his seat opposite Blair, not looking at him this time. Perhaps they should have kept to the rules and not spent any time alone together. This was exactly the reason why Jim had insisted on it - and yet, it had been him who had suggested the two of them have lunch in the park together. Why? Why had he done that? He'd not even thought of it in the month or so since Blair had agreed to come back to work. Why now?

But answers eluded him and again the silence drew out, neither empty nor tense, nor anything in particular. It was a kind of non-space between sentences neither man was able to fill. Like an actor standing on stage, waiting for a cue that’s going to come late; unable to do or say anything until that cue came.

Eventually, Jim wrote a line of his own, nothing much, just a few words to empty the silence a little. “You okay now?”

“Sure,” Blair gave a short laugh, brittle, harsh. “Why not?”

Now Jim did look at him, and caught his breath at the look on Blair’s face. Tears again, filling the eyes, but these were hot, the blue caught up in a tirade of anger and determination. The chin lifted, nostrils flared in what could have been fury except that Jim had never seen Blair really furious so had no basis for comparison.

Except that he did know. This was his Guide and he did know.

Jim swallowed. He concentrated on Blair wholly and completely, listening to the heart thudding against ribs, the short breaths, full and contained.

Contained.

That was exactly the right word to describe him in this moment. Contained. Blair Sandburg was containing himself in the face of Jim’s stupid question. And doing it very well at that.

But who would have thought he was capable of it? That bundle of irrepressible energy which had filled his life for the last three years, facing up to endless challenges and threats with equanimity? Really, Blair Sandburg? Contained? Determined not to budge an inch? Not to give in?

His Blair?

And Jim stopped breathing altogether because he’d seen something for the first time here, something he’d never seen before and it horrified him so much he couldn’t afford even the smallest sense of touch, the most minute taste.

He’d done this. To Blair.

This most generous, giving, open and gregarious of creatures was sitting across the table from him, eyes blaring fury and obsidian determination and allowing nothing of his feelings to come out, nothing left hanging where Jim could touch it, swat it, hurt it. Nothing. Blair had withdrawn into himself so far there was only that anger left. Blair would never let Jim see anything else because he couldn’t trust Jim not to hurt it.

Jim had done all this.

Blair had given him so much in the first wild weeks they were together, four long months ago. Weeks now dulled by pain and regret. Weeks where his life had taken on a different colour and texture and so much of it had been wrapped up in what Blair had given of himself. In fact, Blair had done little more than give to Jim since that first day in the hospital three years ago. But that was his nature, the kind of man he was. To Blair, giving was as easy as breathing – sometimes, even easier than that. He lived it, believed it, wanted it.

And Jim had done something to him to end all that. Blair wasn’t giving anything now – and worse, he was protecting himself so Jim couldn’t take anything either, which was his habit, his nature.

So what was it that he saw in those eyes, that fury that sent such a warm glow right through the pit of his stomach?

Could it be the determination? So solid, so unbreakable? Was that what was taking his breath away? Filling his head and making him dizzy?

Blair Sandburg wasn’t going to budge an inch – so if Jim was going to win him back, he would have to make that all-important first move…

?

Win him back?

Swiftly, Jim glanced away, carving off time to have his own mini-crisis. No, it was okay. No threat of a zone. Nope, he was still breathing and it was all okay. Yep. Fine.

Win him back?

Yeah, have to.

Sure?

Yeah.

How?

No idea. Dunno why yet. Don’t ask.

“Hey, Chief?”

“What?”

Jim swallowed, “Let’s walk.”

“Why?”

“Cause sitting on this wooden seat is going to get my arse full of splinters.”

He stood and turned for the path, not giving Blair a chance to make a wisecrack – nor even smile. Jim was sure – but he still needed time to think, to work it out, exactly how… what…. Christ, what was he doing! Hadn’t they ended it? Thoroughly and completely? Almost three months together, the last month of that driving them both into hell and back? Wasn't it all supposed to be finished? God, it had been impossible then, to make it work. Hadn't there already been enough heartache, enough hurt, enough misery to last them both a lifetime? What the hell was he thinking? God, he must be mad…

No, not mad – just sure. There was a whole world of difference.

He wanted Blair back.

Not just back part-time, at work, to help out, no. He wanted Blair back in his life, in the loft, in his bed and in his heart.

Worse still - that's what he'd always wanted - though why it had taken him until now to see it was another matter.

The silence opened up between them again as they wandered through the park on the way back to the station. Before crossing the road, Jim came to a kind of decision, a kind of plan but knowing how to open his mouth and put it into words was really not working for him.

In the end, he didn’t need to be the first one to speak; Blair saved him that much. “I’m not going back.”

“What?” Jim frowned, not understanding.

“To the station. I’m not going back to work.”

Jim came to a halt, scrambling every ounce of control he had together to quell the streak of panic that shot from his gut to his eyeballs. “Why not?”

Blair shrugged, “Got some stuff to do at the U, a lecture to prepare and some papers to grade. Since nothing much is happening here I thought I might spend the afternoon…” Blair’s voice dropped off as he stared at Jim openly, the anger returning, his eyes narrowing. “You thought I meant… oh, shit, Jim! How could you, man! I told you when we broke up, I won’t let anything come between me and the Guide/Sentinel thing. Christ, I would have thought the last month would have proven my intentions to you! I don’t believe this!”

Jim could have blustered – but didn’t bother. After three years, there was no point in trying to convince Blair he couldn’t read Jim like a book. They both knew it was true. “Sorry. It was just a moment. Won’t happen again.”

“Yeah, sure.” Blair dropped his head, hands on his hips and Jim could only stand there and wait for the mood to cool a little.

Oops, nearly threw the whole thing right there and then. And now he would have to wait because an angry Blair would never agree to what Jim had to ask him and there was nothing else Jim could say that would put Blair into an amenable frame of mind.

But eventually, Blair nodded and turned to cross the street with him. Jim waited until they were on the other corner, having to stop himself from actually reaching out and grabbing Blair’s arm to make him halt. Blair was all ready to wave a goodbye, murmur words about seeing him at the station tomorrow – but Jim had to stop him now, today, this minute because if he didn’t do this now he knew as surely as the sun was shining through Blair’s dusky curls, that he would never find the courage again.

“Chief?”

“Yeah?”

Blair was hardly paying attention. Instead, he was frowning down the road, trying to pick the movement of traffic in order to dart across to where his car was parked.

“Would you have dinner with me?”

“What?” Another frown, deeper, distracted.

Jim raised his voice a little, “Would you have dinner with me? Tonight?”

Like water into a dry sponge, the words sank into Blair from the bottom up, leaving his head the last thing to turn slowly to face Jim.

Nothing. Not the slightest lift of an eyebrow, the merest quirk of a lip. Nothing. Not even an accelerated heartbeat. Blair was so contained now as to be almost invisible to Jim's heightened senses.

Good God, what had he done?

But Blair hadn’t answered, one way or the other. Nor had he laughed in scorn and walked off. No. Then again, Jim couldn’t really tell if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Best not to make a decision either way when the only thing he had to go on was a stony-faced Blair surrounded by noisy, smelly traffic, holding Jim’s life in one careless hand, his own in the other.

Blair stepped away from the curb and faced Jim squarely. “You want me to have dinner with you? Tonight?”

“That’s right.”

“You want to discuss Sentinel stuff?”

Jim began to roll his eyes – but managed to stop himself before Blair could hit him. “No, Sandburg, this has nothing at all to do with that.”

“Oh?” Still implacable, ungiving, immobile. So perfectly, terribly contained. Jim wanted to pick him up, turn him upside down and shake him until something of the real Blair Sandburg could fall out onto the pavement and then Jim would know that he hadn’t been abducted by aliens and replaced with this motorised, shop-front dummy.

“Yeah,” Jim kept his voice level, but didn’t take his eyes from his guide. “Will you?”

“Well,” Blair glanced away momentarily, but soon captured Jim’s gaze once more, his blue eyes flinty hard. “That depends.”

“On what?”

“On whether it’s just dinner – or a date.”

And just like that, Blair pushed Jim out onto the edge of the knife. Hastily, he glanced down to either side of the razor-sharp blade and took a good look at how a fall either way would bring reckless destruction to both their lives. The thing he was standing on was a decision and, as though he’d sent every sense he had through that sharp steel, he knew every ounce of what that decision was, what it meant and what it didn’t mean.

Should he tell the truth? Or should he lie?

Should he tell Blair the safe answer – but then who was to say what Blair thought was safe any more and he’d never seemed to mind danger too much when they were working in the line of fire and oh god, I want to kiss him right here and now, on the street, in front of the station and it’s all I can do to keep my hands to my sides and god, what am I going to say?

The truth, Jimbo.

Are you sure?

This is Blair. What else should you ever give him but the truth? Plain and simple. That’s the only thing he’ll ever respond to. Go ahead, try it.

Jim had to swallow to loosen his throat. “A date. I want us to go on a date. Will you have dinner with me tonight?”

The containment sat around the younger man like the shield of armour it was – but then, oddly, a quirky smile turned up one corner of his mouth, as though twelve or so facial muscles had broken solidarity with the others and were now being ostracised. As they were brought back into the fold, the smile vanished and Blair favoured him with one single nod. “Okay. Pick me up?”

“At seven?” Jim was almost breathless as he added, “Formal.”

“Formal?” Got him a raised eyebrow, another tiny chink revealed.

“Yeah.”

Blair took another step towards the curb, shooting a glance at the traffic. He was timing his exit carefully. “Formal. I guess that means I have to tie my hair back.”

No no no no! Shit, I didn’t mean that! Shit, Jimbo change your mind. Buy the man a damned pizza!

But no such words came out of him, “Sure, if you like.”

And that was probably the best thing he could have said because the look Blair shot him was absolutely amazing, piercing, striking every ounce of fear both out and into Jim at the same time. He was left at the end feeling as drained as a soggy dishrag.

“See you at seven then.” Blair lifted a hand and ducked across the road, slipping between cars and trucks in a manner that both delighted and scared Jim at the same time. But he could no more move and shift into blessed protector mode than he could sprout wings and fly.

Blair was going out with him. Tonight. He was going to dinner with Blair. A date. With Blair. Tonight.

And he still had six hours to wait.

The Volvo started first time for once and Blair pulled into the traffic without so much as a glance at Jim in the mirror. He couldn't stop his fingers from gripping the wheel until his knuckles were white - but the rest of him remained in tact. Couldn't even let go once he was around the corner because he knew his sentinel so well he knew Jim would track him down the road and across town to make sure he got to Rainier in one piece. So Blair kept it together, keeping his mind in neutral, choosing streets he was familiar with until he drew into the car park outside his office building. Collecting his backpack from the trunk, he wandered inside, up the stairs and into the poky little room he was supposed to do so much earth-shattering work in. He glanced at his watch. Eighteen minutes since he'd left Jim standing on the side of the road outside the station. He waited until it crossed over to thirty minutes and then slowly released his reaction.

Idly, he watched his hands begin to shake. He felt suddenly thirsty but spilled water as he poured it from the bottle on his desk. Attempts to clear it up only saw him knock a pile of papers off and onto the floor. He knelt down to pick them up and knocked his shin on the filing cabinet. He let out a howl of pain then stuffed his hand into his mouth.

Only then did he notice how hard his heart was beating, how fast, how fucking furious.

God. Oh, god almighty. God, any god listening, please pleasepleaseplease don't let him change his mind. No phone call in an hour to tell him it had been a mistake. No waiting till half past eight before calling Blair and saying he had to work.

He had no way of telling if any of the deities so called had heard his silent prayer, but his body had given up trying to cover the reaction he'd buried so deep inside him. Forgetting the papers, he sank to the floor, huddled inside himself and kept his last self control focused on silencing the sobs which racked his body, pounded his head.

How in hell had he done it? Keeping his heart beating steady and level, stopping his hands from trembling. How had he managed to crush everything he was to the point where Jim had absolutely no idea of how he felt? Where had he learned such self control from?

Who else, but Jim?

In this, as in many other things, Blair was the student, Jim the master. Oh, he'd watched Jim all through that harsh lunch, their first moments alone together in a month. Watched him eat his noodles, watched him watching Blair, knowing he saw the tears Blair hated so much. The tears which had begun falling the moment Blair had seen the unguarded look of complete despair on Jim's face - right before he'd admitted to feeling only sad.

Sad?

Sad?

If Blair had been completely illiterate he would have been able to read the words flashed in clear letters across Jim's face - and the amazing thing was, Jim appeared to be utterly unaware that he had given so much away.

And in that moment, he'd broken Blair's heart.

All his resolve, all his determination to have nothing more to do with Jim was attacked in that one moment; dried up into one single point to stop him from reacting, from giving anything away. He had to concentrate on self-preservation and nothing else. Had to focus on all the promises he'd made to himself about keeping the friendship going on whatever level was necessary for them to continue working together while he was still here. All the vows about remaining oblivious to the physical presence of the man, of keeping his heart encased in lead, all the words he'd shouted to himself in the silence of his apartment, empty and alone. All the nights he'd spent trying not to remember how it had felt not to sleep alone, to feel alone, to be alone. Hours in the darkness, striving to rid himself of images of Jim touching him, kissing him, knowing him, moving inside him, giving of himself to Blair.

But he'd not realised how much there was to forget. Not just the past four weeks of hell, but the almost three months before that. Not the bad parts, but the good parts, the bits that, for so long, had made the bad seem not so bad.

With a groan, he got himself up off the floor. He gathered together the papers and stuck them back on his desk, angry with himself, furious for being so weak, so vulnerable.

Jim had asked him out. On a date. Why?

And he'd said yes. Again, why?

They'd never been on a date before. Not even in the beginning. No, they'd basically just hopped into bed, had a great time, and built everything else up from there. Only it had all fallen down, hadn't it?

So what did Jim want? A repeat of the same? A quick fuck with a guy he knew was a good lay? A few hours forgetting everything they'd been to each other, all the horrible things they'd said and done to each other since?

No. Jim wasn't so cold and shallow. At least, he'd never been before. Now?

Well, he wasn't going to waste the afternoon wondering about it. He had work to do and he was damned sure not going to let Jim Ellison ruin his entire life. He had five hours to get ready. Five hours in which to school himself once again against reacting in any physical way to Jim. He'd done it once and he could do it again. No matter what Jim said, he wasn't going to budge. He couldn't afford to. He had nothing left to give Jim but himself - and that was something he'd only just got back. It was now too precious to waste on anybody.

No matter how much Blair might want that anybody.

Four months before

The band launched into another pounding rhythm as Blair squeezed himself between the press of people at the bar. Carefully juggling three glasses against spillage, he manoeuvred between tables until he reached the one by the wall to find Simon and Jim huddled together. Simon appeared to be making a damned fine attempt to tell Jim a joke - but with all this noise, Jim had his hearing dialled right down and seemed to be struggling. With a half-drunk grin, Blair deposited the glasses on the table and resumed his seat.

"And they got in the car," he could hear Simon say, an edge of impatience audible over the noise, "but they had the wrong key!"

"The wrong what?" Jim yelled, frowning.

"The wrong key!" Simon bellowed.

Jim frowned deeper, seemed to think hard for a moment, then gave up a half-hearted smile and nodded, as though he'd gotten the joke.

Simon grunted, shook his head and threw Blair an exasperated grimace. He sipped his coke and almost spat it out. He'd nominated himself as the designated driver and seemed to be regretting it.

"Hey, Chief!"

Blair looked up at Jim to find a pleasantly fuzzy smile on the older man's face. "Yeah?"

"Get Simon to tell you his joke. S'funny."

"Man, you're drunk." Blair laughed, "How would you know?"

"Hey, I've got a sense of humour."

"Yeah," Simon interjected, "you know, Sandburg, the way pigs fly!"

Unable to help himself, Blair laughed again but shook his head in defiant defence of his partner, "Simon, that is so not fair. Jim can almost be amusing - when you get to know him. Once you get past the colour coded containers and the house rules."

"Sandburg!" Jim warned, looking reasonably affronted for a man who had been drinking consistently for the last three hours - but that didn't stop Blair. After all, Simon was the only man alive Blair could say these things to.

"No, no, I don't want to be unfair," Blair paused only long enough to take a large swallow of his beer. "We did trash the colour coding a little while ago - but hey, with sentinel senses, Jim knows when I've left a towel on the bathroom floor before he even gets into the loft. I mean, how anal can you get?"

Simon roared with laughter and Jim's eyes sparked before he thudded a playful punch into Blair's arm.

"Hey, big guy," Blair went on, pressing his advantage now that he had one, "it's okay, really. In most tribal societies there's somebody who takes the role of the rule maker."

"Yeah," Jim finally came up with a response, "and is there also a rule breaker? You know, the know-it-all who never stops quoting previous history to give you long enough to live it down?"

Now it was Blair's turn to open his mouth with nothing to say. Jim took his advantage. "Hell, how did ancient societies survive without a resident anthropologist? Surprised they lasted as long as they did!"

Simon laughed again, emptied his glass and came to his feet. "Right, you guys, home time. You might not have to work tomorrow but your driver does. Drink up."

The air outside in the street would normally have frozen Blair's breath - but he was warm from the bar and the laughter and the first truly relaxing night they'd had for a long time. But the street was icy and he slipped - only to find his Blessed Protector catch him in time before he could do any damage.

"Careful there, Chief," Jim murmured in his ear as Simon opened car doors. "Don't want any more broken bones. I like my Guides to stay in one piece."

Blair could only grin. Jim had so many guides - and he'd broken all the others. The silly thought made him laugh, bringing a questioning look from Jim. Blair just shook his head and leaned into the warmth of Jim's arm around his shoulders. Seems he was drunker than he thought.

Jim tumbled him into the back of the car and took the front seat himself. Without a word, Simon turned into the traffic and Blair leaned back, getting comfortable and watching the streetlights flicker past. He heard Simon speak but didn't catch the words. But he did hear Jim's deep laughter, a rumble from his chest that made Blair forget about how cold the car was in comparison to the bar.

Yeah, laughter makes the world go round. No, that's supposed to be love makes the world go round. But they go together don't they? Love and laughter? Couldn't have one without the other, could you? Just wouldn't work like that.

But Blair had laughter but no love. Not the best way to live, but it was better than nothing and in his life, he'd learned to take what life gave him for free, to cherish it and appreciate it. Jim's laughter came for free - and often at that. And if there ever came a day when he had to live without Jim's laughter, he would have lots to remember.

He frowned out the window. Now why had that thought speared into him? Why would he have to live without Jim's laughter?

Well, be honest here: Jim was a cop and had already, in the last three years alone, been closer to mortal danger than Blair would have thought possible and still survive. So it wasn't impossible that one day, Jim might not survive and so… and so…

One day, Blair might not have his Blessed Protector around.

Suddenly the cold of the car, of the winter appeared a balmy heat compared to the chill that settled in his stomach like a brick.

Live without his best friend? Without Jim?

"Hey, Chief, whas up with you?" Jim was leaning over the front seat and watching him with genuine concern. Unguarded for a moment, Blair met his gaze, barely able to see the familiar ice blue in the near-darkness. But he also knew Jim would be able to see him perfectly - so he quickly put his happy-drunk face back on and obfuscated without pausing.

"Just thinking about life, man, you know, the good and the bad. Forget it." Silly thing was, one day he would have to - live without Jim, that was. After all, one day, he was going to finish his dissertation and then…

"I never picked you as a morose drunk," Jim replied, not really believing but prepared to go along with it.

And then… What? Leave Cascade to follow the work, what else?

Yeah, what else?

Nah, can't think about this tonight. Worry about it when it happens.

"Okay, we're here. 852 Prospect." Simon announced. "Can you two make it up on your own or do you need a police escort?"

"Already got one thanks," Blair quipped - then ruined it all by finding his hand unable to open the passenger door. He fumbled for a minute, leaning on it - then almost fell into the snow as Jim opened it for him. For the second time that night, he found himself wrapped up in the warmth of his sentinel and he liked it a lot. He didn't even realise Simon had driven off until he turned and found the car gone. Then Jim carefully led him into the building.

The stairs took on a life and identity of their own as the two men stumbled and giggled their way upwards. One minute the steps were the same old ones he'd always known - the next, they were shifting and moving and for a moment, Blair wondered if he was going to keep his dinner down. Then Jim's strong arm around his shoulders steadied him and they made rapid progress until they reached the loft.

But then it was Jim's turn to display the effects of the alcohol. Even with sentinel touch, his hands seemed to have great difficulty getting the key in the lock - so much so that Blair had to take them from him and do it himself. This engendered another batch of laughter as they stumbled into the living room, each taking a side of the door and leaning back to steady themselves.

Blair was the first to move, weaving a crooked line to the nearest soft horizontal surface: the couch. He sank into blissful depths and closed his eyes - only to open them again when he sensed a presence standing over him.

"What is it, man? Can you just let the dying die?"

"Keys, Chief."

"What about them?"

"Have to go in the basket or I'll lose them in the morning."

"Then put them in the basket, Jim," Blair spoke patiently, as one speaks to a particularly thick child. "Go on, it's just there, by the door, in the same place it always is. I promise I haven't moved it since this morning."

"Yeah," Jim brought even more of exactly the same tone into his voice, "but you've still got 'em in your hand."

"I have?" Blair raised his hand and realised he did indeed still hold the keys. "Oops. Broke house rule number 467. Sorry. Guess I'll be scrubbing the bathroom with my toothbrush for the next month."

"Nah," Jim replied deadpan, plucking the keys from Blair's hand and tossing them into the basket. "Just a fortnight this time."

"You're so good to me, big guy."

"'Sno problem. You're my friend. 'Swhat friends are for. Shift over."

Absently, Blair moved his legs to give Jim access to some of the couch. The big policeman plumped down beside him and Blair decided that if he sat up the room was less likely to spin around him. However, the speed of his action made it momentarily worse and he let out an involuntary groan.

"Hey, Chief, you okay?" Jim's hand was on his back, rubbing small circles between his shoulder blades.

"Yeah, in a sec. Don't stop."

"Sure." Jim's impromptu back rub continued and Blair leaned into it, giving his stomach every chance to calm down. After a moment, it did and Blair rested back, his head fitting neatly into the curve of Jim's shoulder.

For long minutes, silence filled the loft as Blair continued getting his reaction to the alcohol under complete control. However, it had it's limits - as he realised it had been so long since he'd last spoken. "Jim, you feeling okay? Not sick or anything."

"Nope, feel fine. You?"

"Okay now."

"Great."

Another silence - and for reasons Blair couldn't quite pinpoint, this one had none of the ease of the last. But he didn't move, even though he knew his ability to analyse anything more than a sheet of blank paper was pretty much gone. He just stayed where he was, letting his eyes close again for a few heartbeats.

He woke with a start. His eyes flipped open, not recognising the walls of his bedroom. But no, it was okay - he was in the living room and… apparently he'd fallen asleep with his head on Jim's shoulder. Gingerly, he took a quick look at the clock - two hours. Shit! He was going to have a sore neck in the morning. Suppressing a sigh, he turned his head to see if Jim was awake. The other man just opened his eyes as he did so.

"Hey, Chief," Jim ran a hand over his head, glancing at the clock himself. "Hell! Damn good thing I don't have to work tomorrow - though I suppose you'll be spending the day grading papers or something."

"Yeah," Blair murmured, strangely breathless as he watched Jim's face in profile. "I suppose I'd better go to bed."

Jim nodded and turned with half a smile on his face - which froze the moment his gaze locked on Blair's.

Long seconds stretched as neither man moved a single muscle. Blair could feel his heart pounding beneath his ribs but for the life of him, couldn't think of a single reason why it would. And then, when he thought he might know, he found himself leaning towards Jim and… and Jim was leaning towards him and … and… Blair lifted his face towards the bigger man and suddenly… suddenly their lips touched.

Sensations exploded in his head as the pressure against his mouth relaxed then intensified. Half a moan escaped him as Jim's hand came up to touch his face. He felt Jim's tongue brush against his own and he tasted beer and something else but it was so incredible and wonderful and it made his heart lift his mind soar his ears buzz his eyes blind and he never wanted it to end that first kiss so complete and so real and so incredibly perfectly exactly what he wanted.

"Oh, god," he murmured when they finally parted for air.

"Wrong guy," Jim whispered, his fingers caressing Blair's cheek, bringing a thumb to rest against Blair's chin in one of the most erotic gestures Blair had ever felt. "Just me."

"No," Blair closed his eyes for a moment and shook his head, letting it rest against Jim's forehead, "I was right the first time."

A soft, gentle chuckle escaped Jim and he lifted Blair's face. With his thumb still on Blair's chin, he leaned in for another kiss, this time, pressing Blair to open to him more and Blair rolled with it, hungrily tasting again the essence of Jim Ellison in a way he'd never expected, never thought about but only now realised, he wanted very much. The kiss was sweet and tender as Jim explored his mouth, tongue rasping against Blair's, his teeth tugging against the bottom lip, his hand forever holding Blair's face. With a belated mental hiccup, Blair realised he was getting hard.

"God, Jim, stop." He breathed, hardly able to believe he'd just said that.

Jim moved back a little until he could see Blair's expression. "You mean stop? Or stop for a moment?"

A shy smile escaped Blair as he gazed in awe into those blue eyes. "Just long enough for me to catch my breath - since you take it away."

Now it was Jim's turn to smile shyly. Silence reigned for a moment, then Jim looked down, his hand leaving Blair's face long enough to entwine his fingers in Blair's. "Listen, you know, if you don't think you want… I mean, I'll understand if you don't… you know… want to be sitting here kissing a guy… well, I guess…"

"It's a bit of a surprise," Blair helped him out - and was rewarded with a brief glance and another smile.

"Yeah, it is." Jim swallowed again. "Look, Blair, you're drunk, I'm drunk…"

"Kiss me again," Blair murmured.

Jim didn't wait for a second invitation. Instead, he pulled Blair close and this time kissed him with a passion that really did take Blair's breath away. Almost instinctively, he shifted until his body melted into Jim's, no longer afraid to let the man know just how thoroughly he was aroused. A silent shriek of delight swept through him when he felt a hardness press against his own.

Then Jim was leaving kisses along his jaw in a path to his earlobe and Blair was breathing heavily, his hands roaming down Jim's back.

"Chief?"

"Yes, Jim?"

"Just in case, you know, just in case we are drunk and everything…"

"Yeah?"

"Well, maybe we shouldn't do anything too involved right now."

"What?" Blair froze and pulled back, unable to hide his instant embarrassment.

Immediately, Jim pulled him close again, "No, that's not what I mean. God, Blair I want you so much… but I don’t want to," he paused, laughing lightly.

"What?"

"I was going to say I don't want to fuck anything up."

Blair managed a chuckle of his own. "Yeah, right."

Jim moved until he could look into Blair's eyes. A long moment drifted by before he said anything. Then the words tumbled out, "Blair would you sleep with me?"

Frowning slightly, Blair murmured, "You mean sleep - or sleep?"

"I mean, come upstairs with me, get into my bed with me and let me hold you while we go to sleep."

Despite his disappointment, Blair knew Jim was right. He had to admit his head was still pretty fuzzy - and Jim looked to be in a similar condition. If this was just the alcohol playing games with them - they would both regret it if they actually made love tonight. But if it wasn't, and this… thing was really real, there would be plenty of time to run with it tomorrow.

With a smile, he brushed his fingers over Jim's lips, gratified - and thrilled when Jim caught one between his teeth and tugged gently. For what seemed like several minutes, Blair couldn't take his eyes from it. Then eventually his gaze met Jim's, "Let's go."

Jim laughed, slightly hysterically and lurched to his feet. Taking Blair's hands in his, he pulled the smaller man up and wrapped his arms around him. Blair simply held on, knowing the moment would have to end soon and so not wanting it to. Then Jim was leading him up the stairs. When they got to the top, Jim kicked off his shoes, peeled his jeans away and threw them over the chair. Blair did his best not to watch, not trusting himself to keep to his promise about just sleeping. Instead, he removed his own shoes, shirt and jeans until he was covered in only t-shirt and boxers - the same as Jim. Then he realised they were just standing there, looking at each other.

The silliness of the moment caught up with him and he let out a half-stifled giggle.

Jim's eyebrows rose in a gesture painted with sudden self-doubt. "What is it?"

"Nothing," Blair murmured, responding to that expression with a wide, genuine smile. "Just that I never knew how much warmer it is up here than in my room."

Jim grinned, "Yeah, it is now." He reached forward and took Blair's hand again, pulling the covers back with the other. With firm insistence - which Blair didn't even try to resist - he got Blair under the blankets, immediately pressing forward for another kiss Blair eagerly joined in with. His head swam but this time it wasn't the alcohol. This time the reason was very solid and ridiculously real and made his guts ache, his toes curl and his blood pound. He wasn't sure he had ever been so turned on by a kiss in his entire life.

Eventually, they broke apart, breathless and not a little awed. Then Jim smiled again, "Sleep, Chief."

"Uh, sure, Jim." Blair gave him a smile of his own then rolled over so Jim could spoon up against his back. Instantly, Jim's arms came around him, pulling him closer. The warmth, the touch of Jim along his body was amazing. Unfamiliar and yet welcome, unusual and yet unsurprising. Blair laid a hand on Jim's left, which was gently stroking his stomach. More than anything, he wanted to pull that hand down further - but he resisted the temptation. There would be time for that tomorrow - if it turned out they still wanted it.

And without being able to answer why, Blair was sure he would.

Jim shifted against him, snuggling his upper body in closer, breathing in Blair's ear. "God, Chief, you smell so good."

"I do?" Blair asked, somewhat surprised.

"Sure. Sweet and complex and masculine. Nice."

Blair settled with that for a moment - then thought of something important. For some reason, he wasn't tired any more - though it might have something to do with the aching hardness between his legs. "Jim?"

"Mmn?"

"You ever been… er with a … man before?"

"Never." Jim replied instantly, his voice betraying how awake he was. "I guess I can recognize a good-looking guy just like anyone else - but I've never wanted to take one to bed before tonight. What about you?"

"Me?"

"Yeah, ever been with a guy before?"

"Uh, no."

"Think about it?"

"Before tonight?"

"Yeah."

"Nuh."

"Thought so."

Blair shifted a little and trembled as Jim caught his ear between gentle teeth. "Is that why?"

"Why what?"

"Why you want to take it slowly?"

Jim groaned, "I don't want to, I just think we should."

"You think?"

"Hey, I do that sometimes. Just 'cause you're the brains in this outfit, doesn't mean I can't string a useful thought together occasionally - even if I am drunk."

"Oh, I didn't know."

A chuckle escaped the sentinel as he sent his tongue along the top of Blair's ear. "That I think?"

"No," Blair replied, a little subdued, "that you think I'm the brains in this outfit."

"Well, s'obvious, isn't it?"

"No."

"Well, it is to me. Now be quiet and let's get to sleep."

"Sure, except that - " Blair paused, not wanting to admit the truth.

"What?"

"I'm not sleepy."

Another chuckle escaped the bigger man and Blair wanted to sing with the joy of it all. "Me neither."

With that, Blair turned his head until he could capture that mouth again, even if a little awkwardly. Jim's tongue worked on him like fire, setting him alight all the way from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. God, he was never going to sleep again in his entire life if this went on much longer.

Then Jim's face was in his hair again, his voice a soft whisper. "God, Blair you do smell so good, feel so good, taste so good."

"Really?" Blair closed his eyes, a little fearful, more than a little excited.

"Yeah. I can smell your shampoo, taste your sweat and smell pheromones so strong I'm surprised I can keep myself contained."

Quietly now, Blair replied, "You don't have to, you know."

"I know - but I will."

Blair nodded in the darkness, knowing Jim would feel if not see the movement. With a sigh of what could have been complete contentment, he shifted until his whole body was pressed up against Jim's - and felt a rock hardness pressed against the cheeks of his arse. Instantly Jim moved away without letting go.

"God, Blair, I'm sorry!"

"Sorry?" Blair turned to try and see that strong face in the dark bedroom. "Sorry for what?"

"I just… well, I thought we should wait for the morning and everything but my body doesn't seem to be paying any attention and it's just that you're so close and you feel… so good… I… maybe this isn't such a good idea... us being in bed together like this…"

"No!" Blair reached out until his hand was against Jim's thigh trying, vainly to pull the other man closer to him. "You don't know how good it feels knowing I do that to you. It's okay, I don't mind. Please, Jim, come closer."

Jim paused only a moment - then, to Blair's delight, snuggled up again until his cock was pressed against Blair's cheeks, as though that was where it was supposed to have been all along.

Blair relaxed a little - but only in places Jim could feel. Now the rest of him was fighting a losing battle and it was all he could do to stop himself moving his hips against that pressure, wonderful as it was.

"Tell me," Jim breathed again, drawing in a lung-full of Blair's essence, "how you feel. I can sense your responses but I can't read your mind. If you do this to me, what do I do to you?"

"Oh god, Jim," Blair groaned, "if you only knew!" He turned for another kiss, this one a blazing hell-fire that had Jim trembling and Blair almost insane with desire. Afterwards, Blair pulled Jim's arms around him until they held him tight. "I don't know if I can put it into words, man, but you… you make me feel warm and safe and I can smell you too, not like you can smell me, sure, but it's good and your arms feel so strong and right and I love it when you kiss me like that, hell I love it no matter how you kiss me and I'm sure I'm not going to sleep a wink before morning."

"Oh, Blair," Jim whispered into his hair again, but Blair could hear the happiness in those two words and found it answered in his own heart. No, the morning wasn't going to make them change their minds. The alcohol might have emboldened them both to do something they might not have dared before, but it didn't create this desire, didn't make it feel so good - and to be honest - couldn't possibly have given him the almighty erection he felt pushing against the cotton of his boxers.

Gaining courage from Jim's voice, Blair continued. "You make me feel so damned good, Jim. You always have - except that now, I feel good, here, too." With that, he took Jim's hand and brushed it down over his tense stomach until it rested against his erection. Jim's hand froze for a moment, his breath catching and for a split second, Blair was terrified he'd read the whole thing the wrong way. Then slowly, Jim's hand relaxed under his, fingers reaching out to touch, so gently, so softly, the shape of his cock. Around the swollen head, dipping into the moisture that was already leaking into his boxers, along the hard shaft, feeling every ridge through the cloth. Blair thought he was going to have a heart attack at the sensation of that hand on him. Jim must have heard the hammering in his chest but he seemed suddenly incapable of stopping his hand from moving on, grasping the cock a little more firmly, tracing his fingers down further until they reached the swollen balls below, letting two fingers feel the outer shape, his whole hand to squeeze and probe.

Just as Blair took a breath to either beg him to stop - or to please finish it, Jim spoke his own request, harsh and husky with wanting.

"Please, Blair, let me touch you."

Silently, Blair moved his hand, lifting the elastic of his boxers to give Jim access. Now his whole body tensed up, waiting for that first caress - and when it came, it sent a jolt through him from front to back, a piercing dagger of desire mixed with terror and anticipation. Jim began sucking on his earlobe again as his fingers gently dusted over Blair's cock, lightly teasing, exploring, feeling the exact shape of the head, the texture of the hair around his balls in the way only a sentinel could. Blair was in real trouble now, gasping in air as though his lungs might decide to just go off on a holiday of their own and leave him stranded if he kept them unoccupied for long. The sensation on his cock was incredible and he knew if Jim didn't stop in a second, he was going to embarrass them both and come all over Jim's hand.

"Let me," Jim whispered, his voice full of knowing. "Let me do it, baby. Let me feel you come. Please."

"Oh, god, Jim, yes." Blair croaked, no longer capable of controlling anything, let alone his voice.

And Jim grasped him again, pulling him firmly and Blair was certain, as certain as he was about anything in this world, that he was going to die right there, with Jim wrapped around him, hard cock pressing up against him, hand stroking him, that yeah he was going to die and he didn't care any more because if a man had to die and every man had to die, right, well why not like this and go feeling so damned good he was going to explode.

"Come on, baby, give it to me," Jim caressed his ears, his mind with those words and Blair began humping into the hand with all the energy of desire unresolved. Each thrust brought his arse back against Jim's cock and suddenly his hand was there, too, pressing Jim's hip against him.

"Please, Jim, move." He managed, his breathing shortening as he tried to hold on long enough.

"No, baby…"

"Yes, please, Jim."

And that was all it took as Jim grabbed him harder and began thrusting against his arse, his breathing grunted in Blair's ears.

The double sensation was too much for Blair. Arching his back, he pushed hard into the hand gripping him and let it go, exploding with a grunt wrenched from him, feeling the hot fluid shoot out and over Jim's hand. After the first shot, Jim stiffened, moaned and Blair felt an answering heat flooding his rear. Again and again they thrust against each other until they were exhausted.

It took a long, long time before Blair's breathing finally returned to normal. When it did, he turned his head to find Jim smiling so openly at him that his heart melted in one swift go. Sighing, he leaned in for the kiss that had been denied him earlier and felt a passion in Jim that was only partly sated. He had to laugh. It was the most amazing thing to think he'd never felt this good before and only now discovered he could feel like this in the arms of another man - and his best friend at that.

"What's so funny?" Again that sliver of self-doubt in Jim's voice.

"Nothing funny, man, just that well, we're both a little messy is all."

"Yeah. Nice messy though."

"Very nice." Blair gave him another brief kiss then reached down and took Jim's hand from his boxers. Knowing Jim could see exactly what he was doing - and feeling suddenly very adventurous, he brought the hand to his lips and licked one finger. The taste of his own semen was almost enough to get him aroused again. What did it however, was the look of sheer hunger that filled Jim's eyes as he watched - and felt - what Blair was doing. A look so dazzling that Blair could see it clearly even in the dark.

More bold now, he then rolled over until he faced Jim and reached down inside Jim's boxers and dipped a finger in the moisture there. Without a word, he brought it to Jim's lips and, with his eyes on Blair, Jim brought out his tongue and tasted, suckled on Blair's finger, more heat growing in his gaze with every moment.

Blair collected more then brought Jim's messy hand up between them, mixing their juices together. He brought his mouth close, let his tongue come out and Jim followed and then they were licking and sucking their hands until their mouths met in a kiss so powerful, Blair felt dizziness overwhelm him.

"Take your clothes off," Jim ordered - and Blair complied quickly. As Blair laid down again Jim sat up and pulled the sheets back so he could look at Blair naked. Slowly his hand came forward to brush a finger over Blair's nipple ring. "You are so sexy." His fingers teased the nipple until it was hard and Blair was breathing heavy again. He leaned forward and rasped his tongue over the tiny mound, making Blair moan. His lips were cool against Blair's feverish skin as they roamed further, touching, tasting, caressing. Then Blair's hands came out to touch Jim's chest, feeling the hard muscles beneath the cloth.

"Jim, I want to look at you."

Jim nodded and in one swift motion, pulled the t-shirt off, tossing it somewhere. Blair had seen Jim naked before but only now could he pause long enough to admire the sight, the awesome power of the body so close to him. Blair pushed Jim back down and laid beside him, bringing his mouth to kiss the solid pecs, letting his tongue dictate where it wanted to go, from one smooth nipple to the other, across skin that felt like satin and velvet. Now he could feel Jim's laboured breathing as he worked his way south. Then he came across the damp boxers and, with glance at Jim, he pulled them down and off.

The sight that greeted him was impressive to say the least. Already almost completely hard again, Jim's cock tried desperately to sit up and be admired by Blair - so Blair did the only thing his limited thinking would allow him at this time of night and with this much alcohol in him. He shifted and took the head into his mouth - and instantly Jim arched up off the bed as though zapped by an electric shock. Hands sank into his hair as incomprehensible words drifted in the air but Blair paid no attention. His mouth was hungry and he had to have his fill. His hands closed in and tugged the now rock-hard shaft, rolled the balls, pushed the thighs further apart and still Jim groaned above him.

"Oh, god, Blair, yes. Please suck me."

It was all the incentive Blair needed - if he really needed any at all. Holding his breath, he took more of the throbbing cock into his mouth, sucking more and more. Jim was now writhing, voicing some kind of warning but Blair paid no attention. He kept going until suddenly, he was dragged away, pulled up to Jim's face to have his mouth kissed hard, feverishly, as Jim positioned his knees on either side of his shoulders.

Not waiting for permission, Jim lifted his head until he could take Blair's erection in his own mouth, gripped Blair's arse with both hands and now Blair suddenly understood why Jim had been so… so…

Nope. Brain stopped working altogether now. Instead he simply let it go and made no effort to stop himself from thrusting into that moist warmth. Jim's tongue worked on him like a demon, until he was sure he could no longer stay upright. Feeling him sway, Jim caught him and let him down. They clung together for a moment, kissing urgently, letting the moment fill itself, banking their passion.

Blair shifted a little until their cocks could touch and he felt Jim move in against him - but Blair wasn't finished. "Jim?"

"Yeah?"

"Will you?"

"Will I what?"

"You know."

"I'm a sentinel, baby, not a mind reader." Jim pressed another kiss to his lips. "Will I what?"

"Take me?"

Jim froze. After a full minute, during which Blair noticed Jim's erection grow slightly harder - if that was possible - Jim finally found the power of speech. His voice was soft, ragged and not a little scared. "You… you want me to…"

"Yeah. I do." Blair swallowed, afraid again. "Only if you do."

"Of course I want to but… are you sure? I mean, really sure? I don't want to hurt you."

"I'm not made of glass, Jim."

"You know that's not what I mean," Jim growled, pulling Blair closer and planting a kiss on the top of his head. "It'll hurt and well, neither of us has done this before. Maybe we should wait."

"And maybe we shouldn't be afraid of taking what we want." Blair said evenly. Now he knew that Jim wanted him, he had all the courage he needed. "And I want you inside me."

"Okay," Jim whispered, his voice shaky. "Do you know how to do it?"

"Well, I have read a little and you just need to stretch me so I can take you inside. And we need lubricant."

"Can do that," Jim replied with a nervous laugh. He rolled away long enough to open the bedside drawer and come back with a tube of something. "I use it sometimes, on myself… you know… when…"

Blair smiled, "It's okay, Jim, you don't need to explain. Now, we just need to decide what position."

Jim looked at him crookedly, "I only know one which men use. Maybe we'd best to stick to something simple this time."

"Okay." Blair was having trouble keeping his own voice steady, knowing what they were about to do. A whole forest of butterflies seemed to have taken up residence in his stomach and he wasn't entirely sure they were ever going to leave. Steeling himself, he pressed his lips against Jim's once more, then moved until he was on his hands and knees. He felt more than saw Jim move behind him - and heard the sudden intake of breath.

"God, Blair, I…"

"What?" Suddenly afraid again that Jim had changed his mind, that he might find this too horrible to think of…

"I don't think I've ever seen anything more erotic." Jim's words stilled the last of his fear and Blair let himself smile as Jim placed a hand on the small of his back, gently stroking, soothing Blair.

Blair closed his eyes now, knowing he needed to kill the tension that was riding in his stomach, tickled there by those damned butterflies. He didn't know much, but he did know he had to be relaxed. Jim touched kisses to his back, drew down further and nipped one cheek between his teeth. Then suddenly Blair felt a finger pressed against his hole, cool and slick with jelly. The pressure increased as Jim's finger entered him, gently probing and Blair took it and wanted it - and more.

"Another." He murmured, keeping his shaking body still on the bed as Jim worked two fingers into him, stretching him. As he did so, he snaked a hand around Blair and began caressing his cock - and abruptly, Blair found himself involuntarily humping back against the fingers and forward into that hand.

"Easy, baby," Jim's voice almost sang to him. "Take it easy. Slowly now."

With a great force of will, Blair convinced his body to still. When he had done so, Jim withdrew his fingers, paused, then pushed them in again, more size and bulk and for a moment, Blair was worried the pressure was too great, that he'd never be able to take Jim's cock in there, no matter how badly he might need it - but then Jim's fingers brushed over something and he almost leapt off the bed. Again, his arse involuntarily humped back, wanting more, wanting that brush again. This time however, he didn't wait for Jim's words to slow him down - he knew himself, that if he didn't cool it a little, he was going to come before Jim could so much as touch him.

"Ready?" Jim murmured, his voice betraying his own desire.

"Uh, huh." Monosyllables. That's all Blair had left. So much for education.

Fear and excitement twisted inside him again as he felt Jim's fingers withdraw and the man himself get into position. Then… then… oh, god, the head was inside him, pushing him forward, filling him - and he groaned. Pain assaulted him for a moment - until he heard Jim's voice, warm and gentle.

"Easy, baby, easy. Just breathe. Stay with me. It will get better. Just relax." Jim's hand found his cock again and keeping the strokes firm and constant, Blair found the pain diminish and fade away until he nodded.

"More." Again and again, they repeated this until Jim was finally buried inside him and Blair once more thought his lungs were packing their bags to go to Tahiti.

"Breathe, baby," Jim said, holding him hard.

"Only if you promise to move."

And Jim did. Slowly, gently, lovingly. Each thrust brushed against that something, sending shivers right through to Blair's balls. He lifted his head, wishing he could kiss Jim right now, do something, anything that could communicate how incredible this was to the man behind him. But all he had was words - and precious few available to him as it was.

"More, Jim, harder. Please, Jim, fuck me."

And Jim moved harder and faster, slamming into him, smothering his back with kisses, pulling his cock in rhythm to his lunges and Blair felt his stomach clench, his knees and elbows grow weak, his mind grow blank, his awareness shrink until his whole world was encompassed within the pressure inside his arse, the touch against his cock. Everything swirled and rattled inside him, rolling around into one enormous burst of blinding light.

Blair sucked in a huge breath, let out a yell and with Jim's name on his lips, felt his climax rip out of him with such violence he knew his body would be shrivelled up afterwards. Within a second, Jim lurched into him once more, slamming his cock deep into the channel and flooded Blair with his semen. Before he'd even finished, Blair was collapsing down onto the bed, whispering apologies to the man as he thrust one last time.

It felt like an eternity before Blair could move again. Time during which he joyfully catalogued all the weird and yet wholly welcome sensations in his exhausted body. From the slowly shrinking cock in his arse, to the pounding in his temples, the sweat on his back intermingled with the wonderful man draped over him, the smell of their sex heavy in the air, the harsh breathing of Jim in his ear, right down to the soft ticking of the clock by the bed.

But it couldn't last - at least, not if he wanted to go on breathing. "Hey, Jim?"

"Hey, yourself."

"Sorry, man. Too heavy."

Without withdrawing, Jim wrapped his arms around Blair and rolled them both until Blair was lying on top of Jim, arms pressed against his chest. "You are very strange, Sandburg."

"Me? Now you've fucked me it's back to Sandburg, is it?"

"Sure - when you're apologising to me because I'm too heavy."

Blair just grinned and let his head rest back against Jim's shoulder. He felt soft kisses brush against the side of his face and the grin became a wide open smile.

"You sore?" Jim asked, quietly.

"A little - but it's a nice kind of sore. What about you?"

"Me? I'm not too sure about this, Chief, but I don’t think I've ever felt better."

Blair would have said something but at that moment, he felt Jim slip from him and he sighed a little at the separation. He carefully rolled over until he was facing Jim, felt the arms hold him tight again and took the kiss he'd wanted so much before. Jim's hand came up to cradle his head and he felt his heart burst with the amazing beauty of the moment.

Then Jim was looking at him, holding his face between strong hands, a small, shy smile lifting the corners of his mouth. "I guess this was as close to morning as we were going to get."

"Yeah, well," Blair nodded, "in my book, anything after midnight is morning anyway."

"I guess it is. You feel like sleeping now?"

"I think so. At least," Blair paused with a giggle, "until something better comes up."

With a gust of helpless laughter, Jim rolled him over until they were side to side, wrapped up in each other. He took in another deep lungful of Blair-scent and settled. "Goodnight, Chief."

"You know, I love it when you call me that after sex."

His reply was a tiny nip at his shoulder. "Say goodnight, Blair."

"Goodnight Blair."

As he relaxed in Jim's arms, it occurred to Blair that he wanted to say something else but for the life of him, he couldn't work out what it was. Exhaustion, alcohol and mindblowing sex had turned his otherwise intensely agile mind to mashed potato. Didn't matter anyway. In the morning he'd work it out and say it then. Right now, he had all he wanted.

It wasn't so much the unusual smells that woke Jim - it was their sudden and unexpected absence. For long minutes, he couldn't work out why that would be unsettling enough to wake him - but then he remembered what had happened last night and the shock of it all opened his eyes so quickly, the daylight almost blinded him.

Yeah, he was in his bed, in his loft and it was something close to midday. Okay, that much was fine. And there, on the floor, on the chair were his clothes - and yes, Blair's jeans so no, he hadn't been having a weird dream or anything. And there was that strong and unmistakable scent of heavy musk in the air - sex. Recent and energetic. Fine, so much for reality. Next question: where was the object of his dreams?

He concentrated hard and listened carefully, extending his hearing down the stairs, across the loft - ah, and into the bathroom. The shower just turned off and he heard… whistling. He listened carefully, with a smile on his face, for some minutes more - and then the bathroom door opened and the man himself came out, the whistling now silent. Jim heard a few kitchen noises then footsteps on the floor. They paused at the bottom of the stairs and Jim knew the hesitation in that movement.

"Hey, Chief?" He didn't move from the bed as he heard footsteps coming up behind him. Then Blair was with him, a glass of orange juice held a little shakily in his hand, a look of hidden fear in those amazing blue eyes.

"Morning, Jim."

Jim wanted to smile and make it alright - but he wasn't sure what was behind that fear yet, so he just said, "That for me?"

"Uh, yeah. Just put coffee on so it will be a few minutes more." He handed the glass over and Jim sat up, noting the sweater and loose trousers Blair wore, a sky blue, near the colour of his eyes. He looked so wonderful first thing in the morning. So wonderful, Jim found himself slightly disbelieving that what he knew had happened last night, had acutally happened.

He and Blair had… and it had been fantastic and… god, was this real? But yes, it was because there was Blair standing before him, a little afraid, perhaps even a little happy - it was impossible to guess.

Jim sipped the juice, thinking of some way to say something to work out what the hell was going on behind those eyes. He opted for safety first. "You weren't here when I woke up."

"I… er," Blair brushed the hair back from his face, finding it difficult to meet Jim's gaze. "Needed a shower, you know? I was, uh, thirsty and needed a pee and, er, I thought you might…"

"You think I regret last night?"

This brought Blair's gaze back to him instantly, direct, harsh and displaying all the fear in one huge rush. "Do you?"

Jim just shook his head, "No. You?"

His answer was the most blinding smile he'd ever seen. "No way, man, I mean…"

"Then come here," Jim put his glass down and held out an arm. "Unless you can't bear to kiss a man who hasn't cleaned his teeth yet."

"I'll cope." Blair launched into him, pushing him back down until they were a messy tangle of limbs and kisses. Then suddenly they were both laughing and delighting in it and all Jim could smell was the clean damp presence of his guide in his bed and he felt so complete it amazed him he could have all this on what was otherwise an ordinary Saturday morning.

Eventually they calmed and Jim settled for a moment, his head on Blair's shoulder, his fingers trailing in the soft curls beneath Blair's shirt.

"Jim?"

"Yes?"

"We need to talk about this."

"We do?" Jim nuzzled closer, letting his tongue dip in and taste the delicious neck so near and so tempting. "Why?"

"Well, because… because this is all so sudden."

"If you say so."

"You mean it isn't? For you?"

"I mean," Jim replied patiently, letting his fingers drift higher to touch one unadorned nipple. "We don't have to make it any more complicated than it is."

"You're still not making yourself clear."

"Sorry, you kind of distract me, you know?"

A gentle chuckle was his reward, "Yeah, as it happens, I know exactly what you mean. But please, Jim, I need to know. I need some answers or it's really going to start bugging me."

Jim sighed and stopped his hands from moving. "Should have woken up before you got in the shower. Now you've had twenty minutes more thinking time than me and yet you expect me to give you answers."

"God, Jim, don’t do that!" Blair shifted impatiently and Jim sat up, facing him.

"Don't do what?"

Blair waved his hands around, displaying his discomfort. "You, man. You sit there looking so damned gorgeous and hell, I want a repeat of last night just to make myself believe it really happened but I need to know what's going on here. This is so way off my scale for things unexpected. Man, I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. What did you mean about it not being sudden?"

Jim was momentarily tempted to pull Blair back down and show him what he meant - but he heard the edge of desperation in Blair's voice and decided to let discretion be the better part of whatever it was that was that was glowing inside him. He nodded, pulled a pillow across his lap and took Blair's hand in his. "I meant that it felt sudden last night but after the first surprise, it didn't."

"Like?"

Frowning a little, Jim let his gaze rest on their joined hands. "Like maybe I'd been thinking of you that way for a while and just never realised it." Simply holding Blair's hand gave him a kind of calm he'd never noticed before even though he knew there was a frame of fear sitting around it. Yes, Blair was right, this was strange and weird and unexpected - but wasn't it possible that it was also right? It certainly felt that way, last night and now.

It was overwhelming feeling this strongly about anything at all. He wasn't accustomed to having to pare his emotions, to tie them up into neat bundles he could express when he had to. He was too used to following his instincts and, odd as it may be that his instincts had led him to sleep with his best friend, he couldn't for the life of him, find any cause for rejection. If it wasn't broken, don’t fix it.

He lifted his gaze to meet Blair's and found a frown waiting for him. Carefully, and not a little afraid, he murmured, "What about you?"

"Me?" Blair's eyebrows shot up. "Hell, I'm just so buried in confusion here, man. I mean, hey, we're both guys, you know? And doesn't that bother you at all?"

"Well," Jim paused to do a quick internal strip search - but was unsurprised to finding nothing. "You'd think so. But, no, it doesn't seem to bother me at all. However, it does appear to worry you quite a bit."

"Worry? Worry? Hell, why should it worry me, Jim?" Blair's hands left Jim's and flew about the air, an adjunct to his agitation. "No way, man, sure it bothers me. I mean, I've been straight all my life. So have you - and then one drunken night, we get into bed together and have the best sex I've ever had."

"Me too." Jim added quietly, but Blair pressed on.

"But it's just so wrong, you know? I mean, why now? Why with each other? Why didn't I notice something before last night? I don't know about you but I can't just look at last night as being a momentary aberration. I can't believe we just did that and I didn't notice it building before. Hell, I'm a scientist - I'm supposed to be observant - and I didn't notice and hell, Jim, yes that bothers me. I'm sorry but it does."

Carefully, Jim reached for one of those hands again, keeping his voice calm and sure, "I'm a cop, Blair, trained to observe and no, I didn't notice before last night either - but as a cop, I'm also aware that there a plenty of things in life that seem to happen without a reason."

"I can't buy that, man."

"Can't," Jim paused, "or won't?"

"I…" Blair stopped and pulled in his bottom lip, in itself, a gesture almost perfectly designed to distract Jim from his thoughts.

"What are you afraid of, Chief?"

"Take your pick. Global warming, nuclear waste, nerve gas, genetic manipulation and the Jags dropping the season." Blair's voice dropped a little as he looked away. "Mostly I'm afraid… of this being the biggest mistake of my life."

"No, I'm sure you'll make plenty bigger."

Blair pulled away from his grasp again, "I might have known you wouldn't take me seriously. That's why I got up before you did. I knew you'd do this." He climbed off the bed and looked every inch a man readying himself to walk away - permanently.

"Blair, wait. I'm sorry, I do take this seriously. I take you very seriously. Please, sit down."

The other man paused, obviously warring within himself and Jim added, "Don't make your walking out now the biggest mistake of your life."

With a huge sigh, Blair sank onto the bed - but well enough away from Jim so that casual contact was impossible. Jim idly took Blair's vitals and realised he needed to be careful here. "I don't know why you think I have any more answers than you."

"Well," Blair replied softly, not looking up, "you were the one being adult about it last night, suggesting we wait until this morning before we did anything we might regret."

"Yeah, and I was so adult, I reneged on it the moment I got my arms around you." Blair immediately began to protest this but Jim held up his hands, "I'm not pointing fingers of blame, Chief, merely stating facts. Now, we've established neither of us regrets what happened, agreed?"

"I guess so."

"Don't guess, Chief, this is important. Do you regret it?"

"Not exactly."

"Be exact."

Blair paused a moment, gathering himself, "No, I don't regret it. It was… wonderful. But I don't want to regret it later and I'm afraid I will."

"Why do you think you might?"

"Because, man, you're my best friend and I… don't want to risk losing you."

"And you think us sleeping together is going to risk that?"

"You thought so last night."

"And you didn't. What's changed?"

"I sobered up."

"Really?"

Blair glanced up, gave a sheepish shrug. "I'm sorry Jim, I guess I'm just a little spooked. I suppose I kinda figured you'd be the one worrying about it this morning and I think I'm sort of surprised you're not. Maybe my subconscious thinks somebody should worry and nominated me."

"Your worries are important to me, Chief. Important to us." Jim scooted a little closer but deliberately didn't reach out and touch the other man. "Look, I know you're a scientist and your amazingly analytical mind is dizzy trying to make sense of this but perhaps you just need to relax and accept that there might not be an explanation for it. Maybe it just happened. Maybe it's been happening since the day we met - or from about eight thirty last night. I doubt we'll ever know. But this is what I meant by making it more complicated than it is. The truth is, we both enjoyed last night and I think that even if it does turn out to be a mistake, our friendship is strong enough to cope. It's not like we went in with our eyes shut. Even though we were both pretty drunk last night, didn't stop either of us considering the ramifications. Do you think if we'd waited until this morning we wouldn't even now be busy doing something other than talking?"

Blair shrugged then shook his head, "No. I knew I wouldn't feel any different when I woke up. I knew I'd still want you in the morning. Maybe I was afraid you might change your mind."

"I haven't changed my mind. Not at all. But last night we made the choice and… I think it was the right one. I need to know you think that too."

Blair nodded, his head hung low, "I do. At least, I do at the moment. Like I said, I'm just afraid of what will happen later."

Jim held his breath a moment, letting his instincts guide him. "You wonder if we have any future together? As a couple?"

His only answer was a dejected nod.

"Well, I'm not going to give you an easy lie and say, sure Chief, we have a bright and happy future together - 'cause we'd both know it would be a lie and I don't want to start out a relationship with you based on that kind of crap. All I know is, I want to try. You mean too much to me, Blair. Way too much to do anything less. Is that enough for now? Can't we give ourselves time to work out the whys later? When the surprise and shock has worn off a little?"

For a moment, Blair said nothing. Then nodded slowly. "I'd like that. I'm sorry, Jim. I didn't mean to…"

Now Jim did move, wrapping his arms around the smaller man, breathing in the scent which had come to be so important a part of his life. "Forget it, Chief. You're just being you and I promise you, I don't mind it one little bit."

"I guess it would be a little late to complain - considering what we did last night." Blair spoke into Jim's shoulder. Abruptly he gave a little embarrassed laugh and shook his head.

"What?"

"Well, I know this is going to sound odd - but hey, what isn't at the moment."

"Out with it, Chief."

"Well, I was just thinking, I can't believe we… did that, you know? That I wanted it so much."

"Me inside you?"

"Yeah and that I… er enjoyed it, you know? I never thought it could be enjoyable - not like that!"

"You don't know how glad I am to hear that, Chief. And you feel okay this morning? No pain or anything?"

"Yeah, I'm okay."

Jim turned until he caught Blair's gaze with his own. "Just tell me: do you think we should try - or do we put this one night down to experience and move on?"

"Do you think that's still possible - after last night?"

Jim shrugged, "If we really tried, yes, sure, why not?"

Blair risked a little laugh, "Well, for one, it goes way past me breaking one of your house rules."

"Don't sleep with your partner? Rule number 734, as I recall."

Laughing, Blair reached up and brushed his fingers over Jim's face. He nodded, "Yes, Jim, I want to give it a try. I think maybe we might belong together."

Wanting to shout with relief, Jim contained himself with a grin he knew went from ear to ear. "I suppose your next suggestion is that it's what Sentinels and Guides are supposed to do."

"Well, it might be for all we know."

Jim planted a firm kiss on those desirable lips and reluctantly let Blair go. "Well, you think about it while I'm in the shower. I'm sure you'll have another chapter for your dissertation all plotted out by the time I'm out."

He was only just quick enough to avoid the swat Blair gave his arse as he moved away. However, he wasn't anywhere near quick enough to miss the shoe which flew down the stairs after him.

Blair sat at the desk, idly counting paperclips, waiting for Jim to return. Despite the fact that they were supposed to have today off - Simon had called Jim in for what he'd promised was only to be a couple of hours. Both Blair and Jim had hated the call. It was way too early for them to have to face the world. God, they'd not even been together a full twenty-four hours - and yet now, Blair was having to sit in the bull-pen, wiling away time, waiting for Jim to come back so they could go and do some shopping. Blair had offered to cook a special dinner for just the two of them. He felt they needed some quality time alone and Jim had leapt at the idea.

He came to the end of his paper clips, messed them up and began aligning them in neat little patterns. It wasn't until he heard the lift doors opening that he realised that he'd written Jim's name five times over. Before he looked up, he quickly ran his hands over the paperclips and obscured whatever it was his subconscious was trying to tell him.

But then he did look up - into a pair of ice-blue eyes, focussed on him alone, a light in them that warmed Blair's heart to the core and parts of him inside did a neat little flutter and it was all he could do to not leap up into the man's arms, right there, in front of everyone.

"Hey, Chief," Jim began, shrugging off his coat - and not for the first time, Blair wondered how somebody so big could move so gracefully. There had always been something about Jim's size that Blair liked. Something solid and dependable about it. Perhaps even attractive.

But hell, everything about Jim was attractive. "Hey, Jim. How'd it go?"

As though performing a mentally rehersed series of actions, Jim waved a signal towards Simon's office, grunted a greeting to the others in the bull-pen then swung into his chair, almost on one fluid movement. Blair drank it all in.

Jim turned his gaze on Blair, pinning and stapling, tucking and folding. "Fine, Chief. Be ready to go in about ten minutes. That okay?"

Okay? Ten minutes and this incredible man would be his for the rest of the weekend? Bargain! Feeling sleeping bits across his body awaken suddenly at the prospect, Blair nodded, keeping his face carefully schooled of too much enthusiasm. "Sure, that's great."

A small tick on the side of Jim's mouth was all Blair saw of the struggle Jim was going through. Another flood of warmth washed through him at the thought that Jim was finding it difficult being this close to him without being able to acknowledge what had happened between them last night. With a brief nod, Jim turned to his computer and set about opening up some files. Blair sat in silence and watched for a moment. Then, feeling a little mischevious, he purred a whisper, too low for anyone else in the room to hear - but clearly audible to a sentinel.

"I think we do need a replay of last night, Jim, just to make sure we meant it."

With some degree of satisfaction, he saw Jim's gaze freeze, reflecting the light from his screen. In perfect profile, Jim's jaw clenched - then deliberately relaxed. Thus encouraged, Blair continued softly. "I mean, the whole thing, without the alochol. I want to make sure this time that I feel everything that you do to me. Everything that we do to each other. Everything that I do to you." He paused, letting his whisper go breathy and seductive, "Every inch of you inside me."

This time the jaw clenched suddenly, as if snapped so by an elastic band. Jim turned his head but didn't actually meet Blair's eyes. He drew in a steadying breath, then, as though he'd switched on a light, he turned completely, his gaze totally changed. Suddenly he was smiling comfortably, easily, the way he always did. "Chief, I wonder if you would help me out with something?"

Slightly wary, a little afraid - and somewhat disappointed, Blair shrugged. "Sure. What?"

"I'll explain on the way downstairs." Jim got up and waved him along. They headed out into the corridor and down, into an area Blair rarely passed through. Jim paused before a door, opened it and ushered Blair inside. Blair was looking at Jim so didn't notice at first that the room was dark.

He did notice it however, when Jim's large hand landed on the middle of his back, pushing him into darkness. Jim shut the door behind them and in one swift movement, pushed Blair up against the opposite wall of the cupboard and turned him around. Suddenly his hands and lips were all over Blair and within seconds, Blair was left gasping, desperately trying to drink in the taste of his sentinel as a dying man drinks water in a desert.

Jim's whole body blanketed his, his kisses hard fire, his breathing a freight train, his hands pushed and pinched, grabbed and took and Blair almost died from the unbridled passion unleashed to him. Then Jim was whispering, his hands moving frantically downwards, feeling Blair's hardness, his readiness. "God, Chief, you are going to kill me. Just looking at you… I want you. Now!"

And Blair felt his fly undone, his cock freed into Jim's eager hands. Blair tried to reach for Jim's but the bigger man got there before him, bringing both their hard shafts close together, another deep kiss, ending further comment.

Hard and fast now, Jim pulled them both, his teeth sinking into the one exposed area of Blair's shoulder. Riding a tidal wave, Blair could do nothing but hold on as Jim stroked them both towards madness. Dizzy from too much oxygen, Blair gripped Jim's sweater for all he was worth, his blood pounding, his hips thrusting hard against what Jim was doing to them both. And then Jim was coming all over his hands and Blair was whimpering and following close behind, falling slowly, a mass of jelly, into Jim's waiting arms.

What seemed like hours drifted by as they both struggled to regain normal breathing patterns. Then carefully, Jim set Blair back against the wall, making sure he wouldn't drop. Then he turned away and Blair heard sounds of running water, a basin in the cupboard. Hands being washed and dried. Then Jim was back with him, his arms tight again, his kiss deep and more blinding than the darkness. Good thing at least one of them could see.

"The one and only time, Blair," Jim whispered close to his ear. "Never again will we do this here. Understand?"

"Never really… expected this."

A soft chuckle reached him, "You know how many chemicals and cleaners are in this cupboard? And yet, the only thing I can smell is you." A deep intake of air as Jim drew in his scent and instantly, Blair felt a tingle run up his spine. God, why did Jim sniffing him like that turn him on so bad?

Jim didn't need to be a sentinel to feel Blair's reaction. That happened all by itself. Again Jim chuckled softly. "Do you have any idea the penalties I would be given for doing what I'm about to do? Assuming we get caught?"

Hearing the breath of excitement in Jim's whisper, Blair grunted, "No? But, what are you going to…"

But Jim wasn't with him any more. Jim was abruptly on his knees before Blair, his hands around the growing errection, his tongue going out to lap up the remnants of his last climax. In response, Blair plastered himself against the wall, palms flat, and was almost ready for the moment when Jim took his cock into his mouth.

Blair almost bit his tongue to stifle the moan desperately trying to escape him. Frantically, he bit down on his wrist, hoping the cloth of his three shirts would silence the noise. But after that, he couldn't have cared less. Jim made love to him with all the enthusiasm and energy he'd displayed the night before - only this time, it was all concentrated on Blair's cock.

Using his hands and mouth, Jim brought him up to full hardness and began milking him, rough and catching every fantasy Blair had ever had all in one go. He would have given anything to have been able to turn on the light and watch as Jim sucked him - but he was too afraid to move, too afraid somebody would notice the light from under the door, open it and see what they were doing. And yet, the danger that that might happen only sharpened his arousal. Soon he was panting and biting his wrist until he was sure he had bruises. Then Jim sucked deep, taking him right down his throat and Blair gave up, letting go and coming in waves. Again and again he thrust and Jim drank it all until Blair was utterly spent. Only then did he finally release the cock, gently and carefully caressing it before tucking it back inside the clothing.

A limp rag, Blair couldn't move from the wall. Instead, he reached out with one weak hand and pulled Jim to him, taking a kiss, making it his own, tasting himself in Jim's mouth, their flavours mixed and intertwined just as the rest of them were.

"God, Jim!" Blair breathed. "That was…"

"Yeah, wasn't it." Jim kissed his forehead, tenderly. "But I got to get back to work so we can get out of here."

"But what about you?" Blair reached for Jim.

"I can wait," Blair could hear the smile in Jim's voice. "It was worth it to see the look on your face when you came."

"You could see that?"

"Uh huh." Another kiss and Jim tidied their clothes up, straightened Blair's hair and stepped back, giving them both time to compose themselves.

But Blair wasn't so easily persuaded, "But Jim, I would really like to…"

"I know, Chief," Jim's soft voice was warm, a light in the darkness. "But the longer we're in here, the greater the risk. It's clear out there at the moment so now's our chance to leave unseen. I'll wait till we get home. Then I promise you, I'll be more than ready to do as you suggested."

"Er… what did I suggest?"

"A replay of last night?"

"Oh." Blair snapped his mouth shut, his mind already working on too many things at the same time. "Any part in particular?"

"Yep," Jim turned and opened the door, and Blair followed him out into the corridor.

"Which part?"

As they walked along, back to the bull-pen, Jim gave him an easy casual smile, his voice so low, Blair could hardly hear it. "Oh, I thought perhaps back from the point where you said that thing about lubrication. From then on."

"Oh." Again, words failed Blair as images piled into his head - all of them wonderfully enticing - despite his recent activity.

"But I should warn you," Jim added, taking up his seat again.

"What?"

"I've thought of an alternative position."

That shut Blair right up. Instead, he was forced to spend the next ten minutes in complete silence just so Jim could finish up his work. Finally they got out of the station and headed directly to the market. Blair got through the shopping in record time, sure he was forgetting a dozen things. The whole time he knew Jim was watching him with thinly veiled amusement and carefully controlled anticipation. Blair found himself blushing every five minutes.

When they got back to the loft, Jim kept his promise. And Blair liked the new position. Very much. He found there was an awful lot to be said for lying flat on your back while an insanely georgous sentinel lay between your legs, taking you and making you his. To be able to kiss and touch, to watch his face as he prepared and entered you, to feel the movement of him, as he thrust and came inside you. Yeah, a lot to be said indeed.

Except that the act itself, in the end, left Blair completely and utterly speachless.

Present day
Tuesday

Blair started when he heard the rustle of paper. He turned and glanced at his office door to find an essay being slipped through the gap at the bottom. It took him a moment before he caught his bearings, got his head out of the past and climbed out of his chair to pick the essay up. He barely looked at the name before dropping it on his desk.

And that was how it had begun.

In fear and expectation and excitement and wonder. That first day, that first night together so much like the weeks that followed. So easy to slip into, so needed, so wanted. They kept the façade up at work, giving nothing away out of sheer discipline - but outside of work hours, they'd been unable to get enough of each other. Little phone calls during the day, to hear a familiar voice, hours spent on the couch, lying together, watching TV or reading. More nights spent in bed together, the sex, the close and intimate moments afterwards. It was, all of it, utterly wonderful. For those first few weeks, up until the card night, Blair had asked himself every day what he'd done to deserve such happiness.

Yeah, he'd been happy - and so, it appeared on the surface, had Jim. At least, until that one card night, Blair had never had any reason to think Jim wasn't happy. They fit together so well as a couple. Their days didn't really change that much - except that perhaps they had lunch together more often and maybe Jim was a little more protective than he'd been before - but everything had been good. Absolutely everything.

And the nights?

That first night, Blair had been blown away by how good it was. But, as he had often discovered in the course of a relationship, the first coupling never ended up being the best. Sex with Jim had developed into an amazing adventure which had the power to overwhelm him at a moment's notice. As the days went by, he found himself drifting for hours at a time, simply recalling the way Jim had touched him the night before, how Jim had reacted to something Blair had done, of the look on his face when pleasure aroused him, how soft and gentle - or hard and demanding his kisses could be. Of course, he managed to keep his mind on the job when they were out on a case - and oddly, this surprised him, until he realised that this was the time Jim needed him the most to keep both of them safe - and he stopped worrying about it.

But there were moments, in the bull pen, when he saw Jim laugh in a particular way, or when the corner of Jim's mouth lifted in response to something he saw in Blair - and Blair would be off in the daisies, only nudged back gently when Jim noticed.

How anyone could not notice how happy they were had been a constant surprise to Blair. He'd always felt like he was walking around with this huge sign painted across his back with the words, Jim and I are together and man, so together and it is so wonderful I think I'm going to die from it.

But nobody had said a thing and had nobody looked at them any differently and a small part of Blair couldn't help being disappointed. Which was, in a way, why the card night had been such a problem. By that point, Blair had virtually moved into Jim's bedroom and only used his own to study in. And then it had been Jim's turn to host the poker night and that afternoon Blair had gone home early to put some food together and clean up and make everything normal and acceptable to Jim's friends and suddenly, half-way through it all he began to wonder why was doing it at all.

Were they going to keep the secret forever? Was Jim, in some quiet way, ashamed to admit he and Blair were sleeping together? Had been for almost a month?

So, he had waited until Jim got home - and asked him.

Three months before

"You want to what?"

Blair paused, letting his hands rest on the bowl in front of him, feeling weirdly protected by the kitchen bench sitting between him and Jim. "Well, I just thought this might be a good opportunity to, you know, tell them."

Jim's gaze struck right through him. "You want to announce to my friends, men I have to work with tomorrow, that we're sleeping together? Just like that?"

"Well, hey, Jim, it's been a month now. I don’t know about you, but I get the feeling we're not going to stop any time soon. Look, if you don't want to, then that's okay. I'm mean, I'm not pressuring you to come out or anything. I just thought that you might want to think about it."

Jim walked towards him slowly, his gaze dark, "No you didn't. You've decided already and you want to just do it, don't you? It's so easy for you to be so open you never seem to take into consideration that it might not be easy for me. Hell, you know what they do to cops even suspected of being gay. Do you think I want anything like that? Have you any idea what it would do to my career?"

Blair opened his mouth - then shut it abruptly, being too afraid of the words that were dying to be ripped out of him. Rage and disappointment flowing through him like a river that had broken its banks, he turned for the fridge, ostensibly to get tomatoes for the salsa he was making - but then Jim was at his side, reaching for him, holding him tight.

"God, I'm sorry, sweetheart, I didn't mean it like that. Really I didn't. You just caught me off guard."

Blair held onto his stiffness, still not trusting himself to speak so Jim went on. "I just haven't really thought about it yet. These last few weeks have been so wonderful I guess I've just been thinking it's always going to be you and me. And that's what I want, really. Just you and me. Please, don't be angry."

With that, Jim held his face in his hands and planted a gentle kiss on Blair's lips and not being able to help himself, Blair melted into him, wanting and needing reassurance at the same time. "But you will think about it, won't you? I don't want to have to move all my stuff downstairs every time somebody is coming over. Will you think about it?"

He pulled back to watch Jim's face but he could read nothing from it and suddenly he was very sorry he had brought the subject up because it was the first time they'd had any kind of rift between them and he wanted the heaven to go on just as it was. Hell, what did it matter if the guys didn't know? What mattered was that they knew, he and Jim, and that was the only thing that was important.

"Blair," Jim began carefully, "I'm not sure I'll ever be able to tell them."

Blair tore away instantly. "You're ashamed of me! Of us!"

"No! God, no!" Jim went to him again, overwhelming him with his greater size. "Never ashamed of you. God any man or woman would be proud to have you! Proud to announce it to the world."

"Yeah, sure," Blair spat, "as long as he's not a macho straight cop like one Jim Ellison. Yeah, I get the picture. Fine. Don't worry about it, man. It doesn't matter."

"Blair, stop it!" Jim did catch him this time, holding his hands firmly so Blair couldn't back away. "Now listen to me. It's not as simple as me just telling the guys. If it was, I'd have done it the day we got together. But it doesn't work like that and you know it. Hell, you've been around cops long enough to know that they're probably more homophobic than the KKK. Do you have any idea what would happen if word got out? I'd be a real living target, with a huge bullseye painted right across my chest. What's worse is, so would you. They'd blame you for corrupting me and I couldn't take that. I'd try but I just couldn't be around you day after day, knowing what might happen if I dropped my guard for a minute."

"And your career would go straight down the toilet."

"Christ, Blair!" Jim yelled, his eyes blazing. "I don't give a fuck about my damned career! I just won't put you in that kind of danger! God, it's bad enough as it is with the trouble I get you into. Do you have any idea how simple it would be for you to collect a stray bullet from our own side?"

A little subdued by the passion of Jim's argument, Blair grunted, "It wouldn't be that bad, would it?"

"Happened two weeks ago, in Seattle. The guy pulling the trigger was a uniformed cop in the same precinct. Shot a guy he'd found out was dating a male detective. Admitted to it afterwards, saying it was his duty as a law-abiding officer to rid the world of such filth."

Blair flinched at the word and let himself be pulled into a tight embrace.

"I'm sorry, Blair. I don't want you getting hurt - but I'd rather your feelings were hurt a little than risk losing you like that. I just can't do that to you. Please try and understand."

Blair nodded slowly, bringing his arms around the strong back of his lover. "Yeah, okay, Jim, I understand. But it does hurt, you know? Especially when I know at least one topic of conversation tonight will be the sad and sorry state of your love life and how one or more of the guys will know some great girl you should meet."

"In that case, I'll just tell them that I'm already seeing somebody and don't need any help thank you."

Blair smiled at that and lifted his head, "Sure, right, and that would instantly stop them asking questions about what she looks like and does she come across."

"Well, I could tell them," Jim mused, dusting kisses across Blair's forehead, "that this special person is irritating and brilliant, never stops talking unless we're making love and that I'm not sure I've ever been happier with anyone in my entire life."

Laughing now - and deeply touched, Blair asked, "Is that all?"

"Well, I could mention how I can't wait to get this person into bed each night and often spend the whole day thinking about very little else. How a single touch can get me so worked up I think I'll explode, how a look from a pair of blue eyes can snatch away any attempt at reasonable thought for an hour at a time."

"Hey, man, that is so not fair," Blair squirmed, feeling an answering hardness to his own. "I go two hours at a time even when I work at it."

"You develop a little more self-control as you get older, Chief," Jim chuckled. "Not much, but a little. Stops me embarrassing myself in the middle of the working day."

And then Jim kissed him and he forgot all about self-control and everything else until the doorbell rang.

Continued in part two.