Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Due to the size of this story, it has been split into three parts.

Author's webpage: http://www.skeeter63.org/jayci/

Author's disclaimer: The characters from the TV series "The Sentinel" are not my property,
and I am not making money off of them. Also, any lyrics used are the
property of their authors, no money made there either. End of story.

Guided by Destiny by J.C. -- part one

Partners... that's what they were. More than friends... and with a connection that made them closer even than family. Partners... there's nothing wrong with that... and because of their unique situation, it was a good relationship, and a significant one. But it wasn't enough... may the powers that be help him, it just wasn't enough.

Blair let out a heavy sigh as he tossed another rock over the embankment behind the cabin. The wind was getting stronger and it fluttered through his shoulder length hair, the curls softly brushing against his face. Maybe a storm was coming. His partner would know. Thoughts of Jim caused him to toss another rock over the side.

He dropped down onto a large boulder and ran his fingers through his hair in desperation. For three days he'd been there, and he still didn't have an answer to his dilemma. He didn't know what to do, didn't have a clue, but he knew that he felt miserable, sad and incomplete. Like a coward shirking his responsibilities. 'Well, you are, you know,' he thought to himself. 'Running from Jim, abandoning him really.' But what else could he have done? Things had been really bad lately...

Ever since he had come to stay with Jim, taking on his role as Guide to help Jim with his Sentinel abilities, he had sensed the special connection between them. Throughout all of the adjustments of getting to know each other, getting used to each other, they both had felt it. It was the force that evened them out when they got on each other's nerves or bumped heads over issues, or when Blair's exuberance conflicted with Jim's stability. There was always that underlying current that brought them back to a level playing field. It afforded them a sense of familiarity and ease even through the newness of their relationship.

Now, nearly three years later, Blair thought that connection would be his undoing. The little things that used to bring him comfort and happiness now made him want to jump out of his skin. The fleeting touches and pats on the back or shoulder that used to give him reassurance now only irritated him. The easy smiles and joking ways brought him grief now, not joy. His body was betraying him, and in trying to fight back, he just ended up fighting with Jim. He knew why. He couldn't trust himself in close proximity to Jim anymore.

Because Jim had an advantage.

What good is putting a pillow over your lap, or turning away or even leaving the room, when you share living space with a man that can actually feel your body temperature rise, or smell the arousal as it steams from your pores, or hear the racing of your heart and the blood rushing to your groin?

Frustration and desperation bred anger, and thank the gods that his heated behavior could be explained away as long as he was yelling. He yelled just to maintain some distance between the two of them. He felt overwhelmed and surrounded. No matter where he went he couldn't shake his link to Jim; not in the loft, not at the station, not even in his little office at the university.

He had to get away.

So three days ago when Jim had called him at his office to say he didn't feel like cooking and how about they go out to grab a bite, Blair had said he wouldn't be home for dinner anyway, in fact he wouldn't be home for a week. Basically, he had lied and said that there was a last minute opportunity to go a lecture series at Berkeley that he couldn't pass up, hanging up quickly so that Jim wouldn't have a chance to question him further. He had then made quick arrangements to have his summer class covered, borrow the cabin, throw the few articles of spare clothes he kept at the university into his car and took off. Three days of thinking, drinking, and tossing rocks and still no closer to an answer. A few more days and he would have to go back; back to the loft, back to Jim, back to being a guide. His role as Guide was the overriding factor through all of this, the only thing that kept him from just getting in his car and driving forever. No matter what else, he owed Jim that much. Being a Sentinel's Guide was important. More important than raging hormones and unrequited feelings. He had to get a grip on himself, because he had a job to do. But how?

"I don't know what to do, but I've got to do something," Blair said out loud. He stood and raised his face to the wind and yelled, "I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!"

"Well, maybe it would help if you talked about it," said a deep voice from behind him.

Startled, Blair whirled around, losing his footing on the loose rocks and nearly falling down the embankment. Jim was by his side in a second, catching him and drawing him away from the edge.

"What...what are you doing here?" Blair stammered.

"I could ask you the same thing," Jim responded.

"How did you find me, why are you here?"

"Well, it wasn't hard. You lied to me, but lots of people at the university knew where you were. Ken gave me directions to his place when I explained that I had wrapped up a case and could meet you after all." Jim said it all with a slight smile on his face, but Blair recognized the fact that he was pissed. "As for why, I had a feeling that you needed me. Seems I was right." Blair's stomach flip-flopped at Jim's words. "So, your turn." Jim's voice hardened. "Why did you lie, and what the hell is going on!?"

Blair swallowed audibly, his mind frantically trying to calm himself and come up with good answers to Jim's questions. "Sorry. I just needed to get away. You know, meditate and be one with nature and all that." His voice was barely a whisper in the wind, but of course Jim heard him loud and clear. "So if you were worried, I'm sorry, but I'm fine. I just need a little time alone." He turned his back on Jim and looked out over the mountains. Ignoring Blair's remarks, Jim stepped up behind him, so close that Blair could feel him even though they weren't touching. He shuddered and started pacing just to gain a little distance. "What, Jim, WHAT!" he yelled as he turned back to his partner. Jim rocked as if hit. There was so much turmoil inside Blair, that even his Sentinel senses couldn't sort through the various stimuli.

Jim kept his voice calm, mimicking the tone Blair used so many times on him in the past. "You don't have to lie to me, Chief. All you have to do is talk to me. I can understand if you just need a little time to yourself. I'm sorry that working with me can be so demanding, but you have become such an important part of what I do. But you have been so out of sorts lately, I think it's more than just needing a little down time. So tell me, what can't you live with anymore?"

'You,' Blair thought miserably, knowing that it may be even worse to try to live without him. Aloud he said, "I was just letting off some steam. No big deal."

Jim quickly crossed over to Blair, grabbing him by the arm in a tight grip to prevent his escape. "Chief, talk to me," he said through clenched teeth, "We're supposed to be friends, hell, we're more than friends, talk...to...me!"

It took all of Blair's will not to concentrate on the heated flesh that had contact with Jim or the strong, familiar face inches from his own. He looked down, quickly decided that that was a bad idea, and resigned himself to closing his eyes. Breathing deeply, he said "It's just a problem of the heart, big guy, nothing you can help me with." He kept his tone light, hoping to forestall anymore questions. "Now, you know my awful secret, and you can head on back to civilization."

Jim dropped Blair's arm, confusion etching his face. "The heart...? Oh, you mean your lovelife, that's what this is all about?" He laughed a deep laugh, and squeezed his friend in a bearlike hug. The rumbling of laughter sent shivers all through Blair's body, and he jumped back, not sure what to make of Jim's reaction. Seeing the stunned expression on Blair's face caused Jim to erupt into a fresh bout of laughter. When he calmed down, he said. "I'm sorry to laugh, but I'm just so relieved! You have no idea what was going through my mind."

"What!?"

Jim shrugged, a sobering look crossing his face. "Well, you'd been so upset lately, sad, angry and...afraid." He met Blair's eyes and Blair realized that Jim had used his heightened awareness to pick up the scent of fear from him. That thought unnerved Blair very much. "You hadn't been seeing anyone the past month or so and you're usually so...free. Well, I guess it occurred to me that you may be...sick."

Comprehension dawned in Blair's mind. His voice took on an edge as he said, "You think just because I like both men and women, that I'm careless and irresponsible when it comes to sex? Is that what you think? No, Jim, I am not sick."

"I didn't say irresponsible, Sandburg. But you live so for the moment and anyone can slip up when they get caught up in the passion like that. I had always assumed that you were being careful, but you had been so crazed lately, I jumped to the wrong conclusion. Sorry about that, but you don't know how relieved I am, I was so scared for you. Now, I'm just surprised. I mean, you usually aren't with any one long enough for there to be any problems. What happened?"

Blair so didn't want to have this conversation, especially with this man, but he figured he had opened the door, he may as well step through. 'At least halfway,' he thought, 'maybe it will be enough to satisfy him. If I can just stay calm.' He shifted his weight from foot to foot, willing his body to stand and face Jim as he spoke. "Yeah well, surprised the hell out of me too. But the bottom line is I have strong feelings for someone who doesn't have feelings for me back." He let out a breath, releasing some of the tension in his body.

"Man or woman?" The words came out of Jim's mouth before he even realized that he had the thought. "Oh hey, Chief, I'm sorry. It's none of my business and it doesn't matter."

Blair wasn't sure that was entirely true, but he plunged ahead. "I'm not ashamed Jim. It's just a guy I know." He threw out another tidbit of information. "Someone from work. We've never dated or anything, just hung out and stuff."

"Must be a hell of a guy to send you running to the hills. Anybody I've seen around?"

'Yeah, every time you look in a mirror,' Blair thought. But he just fixed Jim with a 'don't even try it' look.

"Hey, sorry, just curious. Then tell me what makes you think he's not interested?"

"I didn't just meet the guy. I've been around him enough to pick up the vibe. Plus, he likes blondes. I really don't want to talk about this any more." He turned back to the view.

"Well, how about an observation and a piece of advice?"

Blair shrugged, which Jim took as a sign to go ahead.

"Maybe the guy is interested, or could be interested, but just knows you too well."

Blair turned back with a frown furrowing his brow.

"I mean, if he's known you for a while, maybe he's seen you in action. Don't get me wrong, Chief, you are a great guy, but every one isn't like you, you know." He raised a hand to stop the angry flow of words he could tell Blair was ready to let loose. "Just listen, you are so young, and uninhibited, and...restless. I don't think you have been with any one longer than a few months since I've known you. Some people are more reserved and focused."

He picked up Blair's mumbling comment: "You mean uptight and anal."

"Sandburg, I'm just saying maybe he doesn't want to open a door he knows would just slam shut on him a few months later. That's not unreasonable, you know. I've always seemed to gravitate towards committed relationships; my structured upbringing I guess. I don't think I've ever been as free as you are, not even when I was young, and sometimes I envy you that." He laughed a little, "Hey, but even a hardened old cop like me would have to think twice about jumping on your rollercoaster ride."

Blair did not smile; his whole world seemed to be falling over the cliff behind him. Jim went on, unaware of how his words were echoing inside Blair's head.

"So, you need to either enjoy the friendship you already have with this guy, or maybe grow up enough to be able to offer him something more to stick around for." Jim shrugged, smiling slightly. "Or you could always bleach your hair, and see what happens."

Blair just stood there. He was sure he could actually hear his world crumbling, shattering into a million pieces on the rocks below. It took everything he had just to get enough breath in his lungs to utter a coherent statement.

"I think you should leave now, Jim. You've checked up on me, and I'm fine. I may be immature, but I'm not going to jump or anything over some stupid guy. Go home."

"Fine, Chief, but you can't hide away forever. I expect you home in 3 days. We're still partners, you know. Personally, I vote against bleaching your hair, but a man's got to do what a man's got to do." He laughed and started walking away. Blair heard his voice coming back at him. "Three days, I mean it, Sandburg. And don't ever lie to me again!"

Jim made his way to his truck, still chuckling, but he had a growing feeling that he was missing something concerning Blair's situation, something important. He just couldn't put his finger on it.

Blair sank to the ground. A litany of thoughts raced through his head. He clamped his lips shut to keep from voicing any of them out loud. There was a Sentinel in the area, you know. 'Not only is he not interested, he thinks I am an immature, irresponsible, shallow idiot not even worth getting involved with. This is worse than I thought, so much worse.'

On the way back to Cascade, Jim couldn't shake whatever was nagging at him. Something important was lurking just below the surface and he wasn't grasping it. As the miles rolled on, the feeling grew stronger. He reached over and popped an old tape in to give him something else to focus on. It wouldn't do to zone-out while driving down the highway. A smooth saxophone riff filled the truck and then an equally smooth voice joined in:

//There's no greater crime
Then wasting your life in a boat going nowhere.
When you came along, you made it safe for love to survive
I trusted and dreamed and you came like I knew you would
I've been around before, but this feels so good.//

The words floated in and out of Jim's consciousness as he tried to divide his mind between the music, his driving and Blair. He was definitely missing something, but what? A message was trying to form, but it wasn't solidifying.

//I could not walk by, I knew that I'd found
What's at the end of the rainbow
There's no place on earth I'd rather be
Than staying right here with you
It's not about luck, I don't need to knock on wood, no, no
I've been 'round before and this feels so good.//

Jim mentally shook himself to clear his mind. 'Best to concentrate more on the road, Ellison. The rest will come in time.' He fast-forwarded to something instrumental and focused on getting back home.

Sweat was pouring from Blair's body. He lifted his water bottle and poured some over his head. He had tied his hair back and taken his shirt off 3 miles ago. As he sat in the dirt after Jim's departure, he had come up with a plan of action. 'More like a plan of "inaction",' he thought wryly. But it was something and he was determined to see it through. Tomorrow, he would be heading back. There was no point in hiding out any longer. It seemed there was no escaping a Sentinel. But first he was pushing himself to exhaustion, hiking till he felt he had reached his limit. He had three things to do tonight when he got back to the cabin: jerk off to relieve some of his sexual tension, have a good, hard cry to relieve some of his emotional tension, and then, hopefully, have a long, dreamless sleep to relieve some of his mental tension. Taking a few swallows of water, he pressed on, knowing that he still had quite a few miles left in him.

Much later, Blair had showered, the heat of the spray welcome on his aching muscles, thoughts of Jim stirring him to hardness. He dropped onto the bed, the air chilling him as it hit the beads of water covering his body. Laying his damp towel next to him, he picked up his Walkman, adjusting the headphones. Rolling over, he grabbed the bottle of scented oil from the nightstand, pouring some into his hand, warming it before rubbing it into his chest. He thought of Jim's hands, large and rough, but still so much more sensitive than most other peoples', as he slicked down his chest hair, making a trail down to his navel. His dick jumped, leaking onto his stomach. Moving his hands back up to his chest, he fingered circles around his nipples, flicking his nipple ring a few times before rolling both of his hardened nubs between his fingers. His breathing got heavier and he poured more oil into his palm. The soft music playing penetrated his sexual haze, stroking him as he reached for his erection.

//The time is right, you hold me tight...and love's got me high.
Please tell me yes...don't say no...not tonight.
Move a little close to me... you owe it to yourself
And I will selfishly take a little for myself
And it's because of you that love won't let me wait.//

He began a slow rhythm in time to the music. His oily fist pumping, as his hips moved in the classic pantomime of lovemaking.

//We'll take a flight and spend the night in wonderland.//

He let out a series of soft groans, desire coursing through him. His actions a desperate attempt to fill himself with the elusive spirit of a panther, to forget for a little while the emptiness that would be waiting for him.

//I need to have you next to me in more ways than one...//

He was so hard now and so close, he moaned loudly and lifted his knees in the air. He let go of his cock and rubbed one slippery fingertip along his puckered opening. When he pushed inside, more moans were ripped from him. His mind was filled with Jim and the music seemed to bring his images to life:

//I need your love so desperately, and only you can set me free -
When I make love to you, we'll explode in ecstasy...//

Another finger joined the first inside his slick, hot passage and he captured his throbbing dick once again, stroking himself into a fevered state.

//I won't take the blame...love won't let me wait.//

He reached for his nipple ring, three fingers now pumping inside him. He tugged and twisted on the ring and felt himself going over the edge.

//My temperature's rising... love won't let me wait.
I can't wait, can't wait, no way, no way
Can't wait any longer
I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming - hold on -
Can't wait any longer...//

And as the voice crooned in his ear, he did just that. Spraying his chest and stomach in thick, hot spurts, his muscles clenching around the fingers of one hand; one finger of the other still hooked on the ring through his nipple. At the moment of climax, he screamed out Jim's name and then burst into tears. Grabbing the towel, but not bothering to wipe up, he clutched it to his chest as sobs wracked his body. He didn't try to hold it in but let his body continue to seek the release it needed. Crying until no more tears would fall, and his throat was too dry to even whisper the name "Jim". Minutes after that storm had passed, he had fallen into a deep, and thankfully, dreamless sleep.

For Jim it was a whole other matter. Awaking with a start from fitful, dream-filled sleep around three o'clock in the morning, he fell back onto his pillow, using one of Blair's techniques to calm his breathing. He had his answer. As he slept, his mind had cleared enough to reveal it to him. The dream was still vivid in his mind:

He had been looking for Blair. Working his way through a maze and calling out to him, getting angry when he wouldn't answer. His rage was on the verge of overpowering him when he felt something heavy brush against his leg. He looked and saw a panther racing past him. Realizing that he had let go of his senses, he concentrated on bringing them back.

One by one he fine-tuned his senses and was suddenly surrounded by his guide. He could smell him: his sweat, his shampoo; Blair's voice filled his head: 'That's it, Jim, just feel me. You can find me. Listen for my heartbeat. You should know it by heart now. You do know it by heart. Just listen to your heart, Jim.' So he did, and the maze seemed to just straighten into a narrow path, with his guide at the end.

He was still far away, but Jim's sight picked him up clearly. Sitting beneath a tree, petting the panther, its heavy head on Blair's thigh. Jim took off running.

When he reached Blair, he just stopped and stared. There was a sort of glow around him, a force that seemed almost solid. Blair looked up at him with a sad smile, their blue eyes locking. 'What's going on, Chief? What is this all about?' It barely registered with Jim that he had asked that question only in his mind. And he wasn't surprised when he heard Blair's voice answer also in his mind, 'This, Jim. It's all about this.' The next thing he knew he was lying by Blair's side, his head on Blair's thigh, Blair's hand rubbing through his short hair.

Then Blair was kissing him...

It all made sense to Jim now. All the pieces from the past weeks fell into place. He was still stunned by the revelation, and surprised he had missed all the clues, and he had no idea what they should do now, but he didn't want to be the cause of any more hurt in Blair's life. Somehow they would work through this. Now that one secret was revealed, maybe it was time Jim revealed a few of his own. But first he had to get Blair to talk. 'Yeah, me and the kid have a lot to talk about. This shouldn't wait three days, I guess I'm heading back up the mountain.' He had too much on his mind to sleep, so he lay there waiting for the sun to come up. As dawn broke, the last verse of the song he had been listening to on the way home came to him:

//There's no greater sin than missing your chance
When it's staring right at you
That look in your eyes says everything and tells me I'm home.
For once in my life, you know, I don't feel misunderstood
Well, I've been 'round before but this time it feels so sure
Been 'round before, but this feels so good//

Blair woke up at the crack of dawn, no happier, but well rested and clear headed. He cleaned himself up, straightened the cabin, and headed back home, hoping that when he got there, he wouldn't find that his determination and resolve were still back on the mountain.

Jim was pulling on his jeans, planning his day in his head (to the precinct to clear up some paperwork, and then up to the cabin to confront Blair), when he heard a key in the lock. He got to the top of the stairs just as Blair entered the apartment. Shirtless, barefoot, and his pants still unzipped, Jim didn't realize the picture he was presenting.

Blair looked up, frantically trying to hold on to his will. 'Good grief, I just can't get a break, can I?' he thought. But he called up a quick "hi" and turned towards his room.

"How is everything, Chief?"

"Fine."

"You're back early."

"Yeah, well seems like I have work to do."

"I didn't mean for you to cut short your time away, Chief," Jim said quietly.

"I know, I have other responsibilities, too, you know."

Both men stood still thinking the same thing, that this was not getting off to the best start. Jim came slowly down the stairs, zipping up along the way, and Blair turned to him. The same words tumbled from their mouths at the same time: "We need to talk." Jim let out a small sigh of relief. "You go first."

Blair took a deep breath. "I want to apologize, Jim. For the way I've been acting, for taking off... for not being totally honest. But there was a lot on my mind...well, you know. It won't happen again. I've got my priorities straight now."

Jim listened, patiently waiting for Blair to tell the whole story, holding his breath as Blair continued speaking.

"I want you to know that I appreciate your concern, the way you came to see about me and everything. I know that I haven't been there for you so totally, but I'm back on track. You don't have to worry. The new, improved Blair Sandburg is here. So, thanks again."

Jim began to get an uneasy feeling. Where was the confession? "No problem, Chief. I didn't mean to invade your space that way, just worried, you know." Blair nodded and picked up his bag. "But what about...the rest?"

"Well a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, right?" He smiled at Jim's expression. "Hold up, big guy, I'm not going blond. But I took your other advice. You were right. I'm not a kid anymore. Time to stop acting like one."

"Chief..."

"Jim, please let's not talk about it anymore. I'm fine. I know what I need to do. Seriously, it's OK." He turned towards his room. "I've got a lot of work to do, so I'm going to the university to give Ken back his keys and catch up on it. Do you need me at the station?"

"Uh, no. I'm just clearing up the paperwork on the last two cases we closed."

"As long as you don't need me." He went into his room and closed the door.

Jim didn't know what had just happened. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, Blair's temperature and heart rate showed no signs of stress or tension, but something had to be wrong, because Blair hadn't said anything about the feelings he had been keeping secret. It hadn't turned out to be the heart-to-heart Jim thought they would have.

Jim was still staring at the closed door when it opened, causing Blair to give him a puzzled look as he brushed past, that brief contact making Jim's body temperature rise. Startled, he turned and watched Blair make his way to the front door.

Blair stopped with his hand on the doorknob. He had let his hair out and changed his clothes, and his pack was slung over his shoulder. Barely above a whisper, he spoke.

"Jim."

"Yeah, Chief," Jim said distractedly. He was focusing his senses on Blair, trying not to miss anything, and noticing so many things he hadn't really noticed before. Taking it all in as Blair turned back to him. The soft waves of his hair, the shape of his ass in his jeans, his full lips, his smoky eyes...

"There's one more thing. You've got to stop doing this."

Jim snapped out of his reverie, flustered at being caught staring. "Doing what?" he choked out.

"You don't even realize that I'm whispering, do you? I know that this is your place, but I do live here, and I'd like to have a sense of privacy, you know."

"What are you talking about?"

"Your senses, Jim," Blair said, raising his voice to a more normal level. "I want you to turn down your senses to normal around me. This is very important; I'm serious here. I want you to give me your word. I'll trust you to keep it. When we are not on the job, my heartbeat is my business, my thinking aloud is my business, my smell, my body temperature; that's all my business. I need to feel that I have some privacy."

"Sure, Chief, sorry," Jim answered, his voice quiet, his eyes sad. "I just...well, I'll control it, sorry."

"Thanks. See you at dinner, it's my turn to cook." And with that he was gone.

Later that night, Jim climbed the steps to the loft. There was some loud music playing, but Jim could still hear the sounds Blair made as he cooked and sang along. The smell made his stomach growl, but he wasn't sure he would be able to eat a bite. Things seemed to veering totally out of his control.

He'd thought he finally had everything figured out, now he wasn't sure he knew anything. Taking a deep breath at the door, Jim turned down his hearing until all he could hear coming from inside was the thumping of the bass. He turned down his smell until he could detect just the faint aroma of food, and then he turned everything else down a notch. He had given his word, although he wasn't sure why Blair had been so insistent about it, after all, he used his abilities to look out for the kid, not spy on him. Taking another breath, he went inside.

He came to a standstill as soon as he closed the door behind him. The kitchen was a mess, pots everywhere, the counter cluttered with utensils and recipe cards, and the living room looked like it had suffered a similar fate: books and papers on the couch, table and floor; backpack, jacket and shoes making a haphazard trail around the room. And Blair, well, Blair was dancing. Hips swaying, hair tossing as he stirred something on the stove and sang the silly lyrics to the dance tune he had playing. Jim walked over to the stereo, so filled with relief at seeing Blair looking so untroubled that he couldn't even get enough anger going over the state of the place. Although, he was still confused, this Blair was better than the Blair that had been around for the last few weeks. He cut the music off, and fixed a stern expression on his face as he turned back to the kitchen, choking back the laughter as Blair became aware of his predicament.

"Oh, shit, Jim. You scared me out of one of my lives." Jim just stared, cocking one eyebrow, arms crossed. Blair took stock of his surroundings and turned red. His hair was in disarray, feet bare, tank top half out of his jeans. "Oh, hey... I know how it looks, man, but it's not that bad, and I'll clean it up right after dinner. I just had a taste for this dish and it takes a lot of preparation and I couldn't find the recipe and I was trying to finish up some lecture notes and...and..." He paused, trying to catch his breath. Jim hadn't moved or spoken a word. "Seriously, man, I'll clean it up. I'll clean it up before dinner."

Jim swallowed around the laughter bubbling in his throat, and put a little edge into his voice. "Oh, I know you will." He walked up the steps, finally letting the laughter spill out. "And this dinner better taste damn good, Sandburg!"

Dinner seemed to go well. Maybe not exactly like old times, but the conversation was pleasant, no flare-ups, only a few wary glances on both sides. And the meal was damn good. Outwardly, all was right with the team of Ellison and Sandburg, but the reality was that neither man felt entirely comfortable. Blair retreated to his room after doing the dishes that Jim insisted on helping with, and Jim gave up on television after only an hour.

Going about his nightly routine of checking locks and turning off lights, Jim found himself again looking at that closed bedroom door, fighting the temptation to turn up his hearing. He had promised, and he meant to keep that promise. And while Blair seemed to have a handle on his situation, Jim just felt more confused than ever. Maybe his dream had been misleading, maybe he should have just talked to the kid, maybe... maybe he should get just get a good night's sleep. God know, he sure needed it. He took one step closer to Blair's door, saying to himself that he would just knock and say "goodnight", but at the last minute he turned and went upstairs, leaving his Guide to his solitude.

In his room, Blair waited until there was no more sound from outside his door. He had some music playing low, and he absently turned the pages of a book in case Jim was listening. He didn't mistrust Jim, but he knew that it might take a while for him to really adjust to having his senses tamped down for any period of time. There had been a few moments when he had trouble controlling his responses to a certain look or a chance touch, but either Jim really didn't notice, or he was a hell of an actor. It had been strange to feel the connection between them thinning out, but also oddly comforting.

Tossing the book aside, he stripped down to his underwear, laying back, thanking all the known deities that he had been able to make it through that evening. 'Now just the rest of my life to go,' he thought. He would just have to take it one day at a time. He could do it. He had to. While drifting off, he listened to the soft music coming from his CD player.

//All the years of loneliness came crashing down on me,
Like a storm that's just been building up too long.
When I look inside to find me, there's no one there to guide me,
And I'm tired of trying so hard to be strong...
I need the comfort of a man... I need the comfort of a man.//

Blair felt his breath catch as his heart seemed to roll inside his chest. His breath came in gasps and his eyes burned as they filled with tears. "Don't let him be listening, please spare me that humiliation." The tears rolled down his face, leaving a trail on his neck. His mind told him to stop, get himself together, turn off the music and be strong. His heart just kept whispering Jim's name.

//Don't you think it's awfully sad how empty life can be?
I'd give my soul to someone who needed me for me.
So afraid to reach out... so used to being without...
And it's taken so long for me to see...
I need the comfort of a man... I need the comfort of a man.//

He was sure Jim wasn't listening in. Jim wouldn't have been able to ignore the tumultuous storm raging inside his partner. Secure in that knowledge, Blair let go. His cries were deep and sharp, painful to his core, and still the music went on...

//One loving heart to reach out to me...
Two strong arms to hold on to me...
Swear with your eyes - I need to see the love shining through...
And I'm begging you please, baby, please
I need the comfort of a man... I need the comfort of a man.
Sweet loving man... Comfort of a loving man...
I can feel it... I need it...
I want you to know what I'm talking about:
The comfort of a man... the comfort of a strong man...
The comfort of a kind man...
The comfort of a man... a strong man...
A kind man... a loving man...
The comfort of a man.//

For the second night in a row, Blair cried himself to sleep. And again, it was peaceful and without dreams.

For the second night in a row, Jim slept a fitful sleep. His mind was filled with the images of his dream of the night before. Even worse was knowing that Blair was so close and he couldn't reach out for the comfort of his heartbeat. That left him feeling lost and disconnected. In his mind, he reached for the dial that would bring his Guide closer. The memory of Blair's words stopped him. Blair needed some solitude, so he would respect that. He tossed and turned the rest of the night.

As the weeks went by, Jim and Blair fell into a comfortable routine reminiscent of the old days. The bouts of strained distance gave way to a welcome ease and familiarity. Blair especially felt incredibly unburdened; knowing that Jim wasn't able to pick up on every little thing. He knew that even with his senses turned down, Jim would probably still be more perceptive than most people, especially when it came to his Guide, but Blair felt secure that he had gained a sense of privacy, something that he had never had before in the loft. A sense of separateness he had never needed before, but had needed desperately in the past two months.

The relaxed atmosphere was a double-edged sword for Jim. He drew consolation from the fact that there did not seem to be any overt tension between them, no more outbursts or retreats; but he felt strained with the effort of affording Blair his privacy, refraining from tuning in to those parts of Blair that he had taken for granted. He had once told himself that he used his abilities to look out for Blair; what he hadn't realized then, but was oh so aware of now, was that he also used those abilities to look out for himself. Blair's heat, heartbeat and scent were a stabilizing force for him. A link, an anchor. Maybe he had been able to pick up on a thing or two that would be considered personal, but that was a byproduct, not the intent.

On the job, he found himself reveling in those intangible things that made up Blair Sandburg to him. Soaking him in as long as he had a legitimate excuse to do so. He had never been happier to work cases. Out in the world it was okay to be the Blessed Protector. Once back home, he felt dulled and disjointed. Three months after the incident on the mountain, he seriously doubted that his presumption about Blair's feelings for him was true, but he did know that his feelings ran a hell of a lot deeper than he could ever have imagined.

Damn, he hated the nights.

Blair was humming and it was driving Jim crazy. All week long, he had been humming. He had come home earlier, dropped his bag at the door, and went straight to the bathroom to start the shower running, all the while humming. Even with his senses at normal levels, Jim could hear that damn humming.

He knew Blair had a date tonight: dinner and a concert. Blair had told him on Monday that he had plans. School had been in session for a couple of months, and Jim assumed that the kid had met a cute new grad student. He admitted to himself that he was a little jealous, but still he was pleased , glad the kid was back in the swing. If only he would stop that humming! It was really getting to him. A knock on the door pulled his attention away from Blair's preparations, and he rose to answer it.

"Grayson! What are you doing here? You and Sandburg double dating?"

"Oh hey, Jim. Well..." Alec Grayson stopped in mid sentence, staring at a point just beyond Jim.

Jim frowned and turned around, barely controlling a gasp of breath. Blair had entered the room, and he looked, hell, beautiful was the only word that came to mind. Standing there dressed in black slacks, black collarless shirt buttoned at his throat, and a vest decorated with a black-on- ivory African design. His hair was neatly tied back and he smelled like some exotic spice.

"What is wrong? Is my fly open or something?" Blair asked, hastily checking himself.

Alec spoke up, "No Blair, you look... great."

"Good, then let's go Alec. We don't want to be late, we have reservations right?"

"Yeah, 7:30. See you Jim." Alec opened the door and stepped into the hall.

Blair followed, grabbing his coat, before turning back to Jim. "See you later, big guy."

"Later, Chief." Jim stood still in the same spot, listening to the sound of the door locking, then he rushed to the window in time to catch sight of the two men exiting the building. Grayson opened the door to his Mustang and reached over to plant a quick kiss on Blair's cheek and whisper something in his ear. Jim didn't know he had reached out until he jumped at the sound of the voice. "...so sexy." It wasn't until they drove away, the image of Blair reaching over to take Grayson's hand when he was seated behind the wheel firmly imprinted in his mind's eye, that Jim could bring himself to move.

He walked through the apartment, his body moving of its own volition, all of his senses heightened, emotions swirling, until he was standing in the doorway to Blair's room. Breathing him in. As if in a daze, he moved around picking up Blair's discarded clothing, letting the scent surround him. Fiddling with various bottles on the dresser, he singled out the fragrance he had smelled on him earlier, sniffing it until the aroma filled his brain. Slamming it back down when it threatened to overload his sense of smell.

He ran to the bathroom, repeating the process. Standing in the doorway, breathing in deeply. Reaching over and picking up Blair's towel, which miraculously was not on the floor, but stuffed hurriedly over the towel rack. Slowly, he brought it to his face, his sensitive fingertips drawing in the leftover heat from Blair's body, his nose separating the scents of soap, shampoo, and the muskiness that was Blair's natural perfume. Imagining... With supreme effort he dropped the towel, walking into the living room on shaky legs. He fell onto the couch filled with emotions he couldn't name.

"What the hell is going on? Blair is out on a date with Alec Grayson? How did that happen?" Jim spoke aloud to the empty room. How had he missed all of this? Grayson had been hanging around since the beginning of the new school year. He had met Blair at a faculty meeting. The Freshman Orientation representatives from the various departments had gotten together to discuss their agenda. Grayson had been chosen from the History Department. He and Blair had hit it off. They went rollerblading together, argued over ancient civilizations during breaks from classes, it all seemed so normal and innocent. Blair had told him about it. 'Me and this guy Grayson are going to hit the trails this weekend... I was almost late for class because me and Grayson got into this crazy discussion...' Grayson had even been to the loft for dinner a couple of times, and had sat in on a poker game when Simon had the flu. Grayson played as badly as Blair played well. He was a nice guy, Jim had liked him. Now, he didn't think he ever wanted to see him again. When had he gone from being Grayson to being Alec! Jim sighed and closed his eyes.

Blair stared into the green eyes of the man across the table from him. He was filled with a sense of...joy. It was bubbling inside him, threatening to erupt. He took a sip of wine, unable to eat another bite, feeling something that he hadn't felt in a long time. To be wanted. And by this sweet, gorgeous man. He hadn't been looking for it, in fact, he had actually decided against rejoining the social scene. But Alec had sneaked up on him, and it felt wonderful.

He had been floored when Alec had dropped him off on Saturday. Halfway to the door of the building, blades over his shoulder, he heard Grayson call his name, not paying any attention to the fact that Grayson had called out "Blair!" rather than his usual "Sandburg." When he walked back to the car and stood by the driverside window, the last thing he expected was for Alec to haltingly say that he had these tickets and did Blair maybe want to go with him and maybe they could go out to eat beforehand. As he heard the words, Blair realized at that moment he wanted nothing more.

Blair had always thought that Grayson was attractive. Tall, blond, green-eyed. Lean and muscular. Funny, smart and passionate about things. What was not to like? But he was a friend, fast becoming a very good friend, and Blair had already gone down that road. But still, he said yes, ignoring the butterflies fluttering in his stomach. As he had turned again to go inside, Alec had reached out to grab his arm, looking up at him searchingly and asked if he was sure, the look in his eyes saying what he was afraid to voice: that they would not be going out as pals. Blair had smiled, and touched his hand, saying he'd love to go out with him, calling him Alec. And as he watched the black Mustang drive away, he started humming.

And now, he was practically giddy. He took another sip of wine and chuckled.

"What's so funny? Do I have broccoli between my teeth or something?"

Blair smiled. "No, it just feels nice, being out like this. No one's asked me out in a long time."

"Well, I sort of asked around about you. I heard some wild stories." Alec wiggled his eyebrows. "But everyone said it seemed like you had taken yourself out of circulation, initiated a 'hands off' policy concerning yourself. General consensus seemed to be that you were taken. Since I had been hanging out with you for a while and hadn't noticed anybody that could be considered competition, I figured I'd take a chance."

"I'm not the same person I used to be. Can't be a wild child forever you know. Between the university and my police work, I have my hands full most of the time anyway."

"Well, I hope you'll continue to make time for me."

"Why Alec, do you want my hands full of you?" Blair batted his eyelashes, speaking in a coquettish falsetto.

Alec laughed out loud. He looked around to see if he had drawn any attention, before saying in a low voice, "Actually, I think I'd like that very much."

Blair smiled a sad smile and replied, "Alec, I meant what I said before. I'm not a wild and crazy guy anymore. I need to take this slowly. I hope you can understand that."

Alec reached out and rubbed his thumb across the knuckles of the hand that Blair had resting on the table. "As long as you understand what I need. This is not about sex for me, Blair. I have gotten to know the most wonderful man, and I want him in my life. I was your friend first, and even when I realized I was becoming increasingly attracted to you, I didn't rush forward with anything. I wouldn't have wanted to screw up what we already had. The word was that you dated men and women so I took a chance. You can take it as slowly as you like...just take me with you."

Blair swallowed at the intensity in Alec's eyes. He was at a loss for words so he just said, "Thanks."

The rest of the evening passed comfortably, if not too quickly. Before they knew it, Alec was pulling up in front of the building. They were in the midst of a light-hearted debate about rites of passage through the ages, and as neither of them wanted the evening to end, they continued their bantering as Alec cut the engine. That discussion led to another and another until it was 2:30 in the morning. Alec yawned at the same time that Blair did, and they both broke out into laughter.

"Well, I guess that's our cue."

"Yeah, I had a great time. Thanks for asking me."

"Thanks for saying yes."

Blair watched as Alec got out of the car, walked around to the passenger side, and opened the door for him. He stepped out, closing the door and leaning against it.

"Ah, so chivalry is not dead," Blair joked.

"You know us historical types," Alec quipped. "Actually, I wanted to be standing next to you when I asked..." His eyes traveled over Blair's face settling on his lips.

Blair felt the heat rise in his groin and his lips parted. His eyes closed in anticipation, which Alec took as a 'yes' to his unfinished question. As he leaned closer, he carefully kept his hands at his side. He wasn't sure what his friend was struggling with, but he didn't want to spook him. He just wanted to enjoy whatever Blair was willing to share.

Softly, he touched his lips to Blair's, licking the lower one gently, tracing it with his tongue, desire rushing through him as Blair's breath quickened. Tentatively, he sent his tongue inside searching... and he was not disappointed. When the two tongues touched, the kiss deepened, the point of contact between them still just their mouths. Alec broke away first, finally daring to touch Blair, trailing a finger down the stubbled cheek to the full lips, feeling the moist swollen result of their kissing. He cupped his hand under Blair's chin, and kissed him goodbye, a quick, firm peck. Leaning closer, he whispered, "You're even sexier than I thought."

Blair didn't remember saying goodbye, didn't remember climbing the stairs to the apartment, didn't remember unlocking the door, didn't remember anything from the last few minutes except the kiss. He had missed things like that. He was glad Alec had taken a chance, he had been hiding out too long, concentrating too much on maintaining his relationship with Jim. Partners...it wasn't how he had wanted it, but it was working. And this new thing with Alec wasn't bad at all.

He grinned and started humming.

On the couch, Jim tensed considerably. He didn't think he could get anymore on edge than he had been, but then Blair had started that damned humming. Every muscle in his body was stiff with tension. His teeth were clenched so tight he thought he might grind them to dust, and hard as he tried, he couldn't get his body to relax. He had dozed off on the couch, waking every time he heard a car go down the street. And when Blair finally came home, Jim's body had started its slow tensing, as he sat in the dark, listening to the conversation from below. When the conversation indicated that Blair was about to come up, Jim had started to relax, preparing to rise so that he wouldn't be caught waiting in the living room. But the next moments proved his undoing.

He couldn't miss the kiss. Not when he could hear the changes in breathing, smell the pheromones floating on the night wind. Suddenly, he was glad that he couldn't move, because then he would have been driven to go to the window and see the scene playing out on the sidewalk, and that would have been more than he could stand. He wanted to retreat to his room, but he couldn't loosen his muscles enough to just move. He closed his eyes and concentrated. 'Breathe, Ellison, just breathe. Relax and breathe deeply. Then you can move on to the rest of you, but for now - breathe.' That was as far as he got before Blair entered, seemingly filling the room, even from the doorway. Jim's breath left him in a rush, his whole body relaxed at once, and he seemed to just melt back into the couch. The scent of his Guide filled him, that exotic spiciness tempered by cool mountain breezes and overlaid with the heat of arousal.

Blair was home.

Jim's presence on the couch in the dark startled Blair. The sound of Jim's harsh breathing scared him.

"Jim! What's wrong?" He rushed to his partner's side, reaching out to touch him. Jim soaked up the physical contact, focusing on the heat and the texture of Blair's fingers. "Jim, can you hear me?!"

"Yeah, I hear you." Jim took one last deep breath. He moved away from Blair's touch, leaning over to put his head in his hands. "Calm down."

"Calm down!? You almost gave me a heart attack, man! What's up with you?"

"You're the one that came into the room yelling and screaming."

"Hey, excuse me for breathing. Now tell me what's going on."

Jim stood up, finally gaining some control, and stretched his tight muscles. "Nothing, Chief, I fell asleep on the couch. Had a bad dream, then woke up with a cramp." He moved towards the stairs.

"That's it? Are you sure...?"

Jim slowly went up the steps. "Hey, nothing to worry about. Just a bad dream." Gradually, he turned down his senses. Even without his promise, he would have done it. Too much sensory stimuli had invaded his space, and he had tortured himself enough for one night. He just wanted oblivion.

As Blair got ready for bed, he made a mental note to question Jim later about his bad dream. Then he cleared his mind of all thoughts but Alec. As he drifted off to sleep, playing back his evening, he was still softly humming.

Blair was dreaming:

He was lying by a lake, eyes closed, letting himself be a part of his natural surroundings. All at once he felt a hand over his eyes, and the weight of a body on top of him. A voice whispered huskily in his ear, "Guess who?". Recognizing the voice, Blair relaxed. He smiled, "Sounds like the sexy man in my life."

"Good answer. And for answering correctly, we have a prize for you. Blair, what do we have for our winner?"

"A kiss?" Blair answered hopefully.

"Correct again."

Blair felt lips touch his, gently at first, then more demanding. Lips parted, tongues wrestled and groins were ground together, as the kiss took on a life of its own. He realized that the hand was no longer over his eyes, but entangled in his hair. His eyes were tightly shut as he concentrated on the man that was claiming him. When the kiss was broken, Blair felt his nerves explode as a tongue found its way to his ear. Sucking and nibbling, teasing.

Again the voice whispered in his ear. "You are so sexy."

The breathy words went straight to his cock, causing it to throb almost painfully inside his pants. He groaned, trying not to go over the edge as the tongue found the most vulnerable spot on his neck, his dick rubbing against one seemingly even harder than his own.

He joined the action, running his hands over the tight muscles of his lover's ass, running fingers up and down his spine, kneading his shoulders and trailing teasing touches along his neck. He couldn't hold back. Damn, he was going to come in his pants! He didn't want it to end like that; he wanted more. He pulled away slightly so that he could look into his lover's eyes, fully intending to tell him what he desired, but when their eyes met he was lost, falling over the edge, screaming out his lover's name, wetness spreading on his thigh.

Blair called out in his sleep, and jerked slightly awake. He chuckled, "Damn, one date and I'm like a teenager again." He took off his underwear and cleaned himself, dropping them on the floor to take care of in the morning. He rolled over, bringing one hand unconsciously to his lips, trying to recapture the feeling of his dream, already mostly asleep.

Upstairs, Jim slept, true to his word, oblivious to the world around him.

Blair awoke the next morning very slowly. The sensations from his dream surrounded him, and his dick stirred, rubbing against the sheet. He let his mind drift, remembering...

The kiss, the caresses, those intense blue eyes...

Blair's eyes snapped open and he catapulted fully into consciousness. 'Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck!', cursing himself in his head. It had been Jim! 'Oh, damn. I'm dreaming about Jim. Why can't I get past this?' Thoughts whirled through Blair's mind. Of course it was Jim. He liked Alec, had enjoyed kissing him, but he was fast learning that love has a mind of its own. He rolled over, pressing his face into his pillow. Pushing images of Jim purposefully out of mind, he tried to focus on Alec's handsome face. 'I am not going to do this to Alec,' he thought. 'He's a great guy, he deserves better. Hell, I'm not going to do this to me. I am not going to waste my life pining away for something unattainable.' With renewed resolve, he got out of bed to head to the shower. His steps faltered as one more piece of information slammed into focus: At the climax of his wet dream, he had called out Jim's name. Sardonically, he thought, 'Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water...'

Jim was in a foul mood. A mood blacker than the cold coffee he had in front of him as he sat at the table. He heard the door to Blair's room open just as the phone rang,

"Ellison," he barked.

"What crawled up your ass and died?" the equally gruff voice of Simon answered him.

"You interrupted my morning coffee. Besides you took your chances calling me this early in the morning. I can be as grouchy as I want to be; it is my day off you know."

"Not anymore."

Jim sputtered around the sip of coffee he had just taken. Surprised almost as much by the coolness of it as he was at Simon's words. "What do you mean?"

"Calm down, Jim. I just need to borrow you for a little while. We're getting ready to interrogate a suspect and we could use your 'expertise'. I wouldn't bother you, but if we don't get something out of him, we'll have to cut him loose. So get your ass in gear. The sooner you check in, the sooner you can check out." Simon hung up, not even waiting for Jim to reply.

"Great. Just great."

"Something wrong down at the station?" The voice caught Jim off guard. He had lost track of Blair while he was on the phone.

"No, just an interrogation. Hopefully, it won't take too long."

"Bummer. Need me to tag along?"

"No. I should be in and out. But I may go to the gym for a while." Yeah, an intense grilling and then a muscle straining workout. Two great tension relievers. That may not be so bad after all. He grabbed his coat and turned back to Blair. "Later, Chief." He turned up his hearing, unable to resist the need to just take a part of his partner with him. Automatically, he reached for the heartbeat; the steady sound filling him till his own heart matched it beat for beat. He left the apartment, taking the stairs, slowly heightening the rest of his senses. It would have been impossible for him to miss the audible sigh of relief that emanated from Blair upstairs.

Jim's mood got blacker.

What waited for Jim when he arrived back home, did nothing to improve his disposition. He thought he finally had a handle on it, his workout had been punishing enough to sweat the agitation out of him. But when he entered the kitchen to get a beer, and read the note that Blair had left for him, all his efforts went right down the toilet.

'Jim -

I thought you should have something else Italian besides pizza, so enjoy. Alec's brother is in a band, and we're going to hear them play. Probably be out kinda late.

PS - We need to talk about last night. How about brunch tomorrow? You can make your famous omelets as a payback for the superb meal you are about to eat. Sounds fair to me.

Later, Blair'

Jim crumpled the note; tossing it into the trash.

"Right, fix me a special dinner, but don't hang around to share it. Got to be with Alec!"

Jim knew he was being petty, but he couldn't help it.

"And now you want to talk about last night! What, about how you practically creamed in your pants from having Alec's tongue down your throat? The only thing I want to hear about last night is how it was a mistake. But seeing as how you're off on another date with Alec, I guess that won't be the gist of your little talk."

He slammed things around as he unset the table that Blair had set for him. Not even bothering to turn down his senses as the clanging of silverware and the clink of the plate and glass reverberated in his head. He was tempted to just toss the whole meal in the garbage, but opted instead for angrily slopping spoonfuls of food into assorted Tupperware containers and practically hurling them inside the refrigerator. The heat of the water as he washed the pots seemed to permeate his whole body and he finally succumbed and turned down his sense of touch.

"Right, now you want to talk! Don't hold your breath."

When the kitchen was clean, Jim went out onto the balcony, losing himself in his thoughts. Daydreaming, wishing, fantasizing until he couldn't stand the whirlpool of his imagination any longer.

Later, as he lay on his bed waiting for sleep to overtake him, he realized that he was starving.

The next morning, Jim got up early, quickly preparing to leave before Blair awoke. He had no plans, maybe grab a fast-food breakfast, and then drive around for a while until it was a reasonable enough hour to invite himself over to Simon's to watch the game. He almost made it. Coat in hand, reaching for the door.

"Going out for eggs?"

"Oh hey, Chief...uh no, last minute paperwork...um, from yesterday. I got a little more involved than I intended. Have to give you a raincheck on brunch." 'Just one little lie, Ellison.' Jim thought. 'Just enough to get me out of here.'

"Well, I wanted to find out about your bad dream. You really seemed in a bad way when I got in that night."

"It was nothing, don't concern yourself," Jim said, emotions warring inside him as he realized the focus of Blair's talk. Not how he felt about Jim, not some explanation of this whole crazy thing with Alec.

"I just... fine. See you." Blair turned and went into the bathroom.

A minute later, Jim heard the shower running. All urge to flee now gone, in its place a strong desire to storm the bathroom, and confront Blair. To find out once and for all whether he was harboring any secret feelings for a battered, old Sentinel. To make him explain what he was doing drooling over Alec Grayson. To admit the things he himself had kept hidden, locked away in secret corners of his own heart. But fear was still stronger than desire, the fear of losing what there already was in the face of the seemingly unattainable. Jim left the apartment and hit the stairs running. He kept on running once out on the street. Running away, but reaching out. Extending his senses until he picked up the presence of his Guide. Determined to run until all traces had faded away.

Blair felt colder and colder. It wasn't just the cooling temperature of the water, either. His spirit felt chilled. The more he tried to maintain the normal state of his relationship with Jim, the farther apart they seemed to be. They were out of sync. He didn't get it.

He had talked to Alec about Jim last night. After his dream, he felt compelled to come clean for the most part, explaining about his partnership without revealing the details of the Sentinel/Guide aspect. And he confessed his true feelings. Alec had taken it all in stride, sympathizing with his plight, offering his support, and asking only if that meant that there was no chance for the two of them. Blair had assured him that he wanted to have something with Alec, not adding that he felt a desperate need to be able to establish something with him, but underscoring that he had to take it slow. Alec had held him and kissed him, and Blair had felt renewed. Ready to move on, to be what he could be to Jim, and to try to be something more to Alec.

Now, he was faltering, the sense of disharmony like a winter wind blowing around him. He got out of the shower, dressed in the warmest clothes he could find, and got under a heavy blanket on the couch, searching inside himself for the strength to do what needed to be done. No more wishing. He had to be able to guide Jim; had to find the courage to do that and not yearn for more. He needed to turn his heart as best he could towards Alec, a good, kind man who was willing to love him back. That was that. Blair just wondered if he would ever feel warm again.

As the holidays neared, the team of Ellison & Sandburg existed on just fleeting contact with each other. The guys in Major Crimes found themselves unnaturally idle. The usual rush of holiday-related villainy was not forthcoming. More than one detective hoped out loud that it wasn't just the calm before the Christmas storm.

With his police obligations at a minimum, and exams taking up a great deal of his time, Blair found he didn't have to share space with Jim too often. An occasional meal when he wasn't out with Alec, a poker game or two, that was it. Thanksgiving, Blair had eaten with Alec and his family, and Jim had shared the meal with Simon and Darryl.

There had been the day after Thanksgiving, when he had planned on just vegging for a change; no plans, just watch a movie and rest. When he got home, Jim was already there, apparently with the same idea in mind and surprisingly the same movie in hand. They had watched together, calling for take-out and sharing a companionable evening. No stress-filled moments, no awkward silences. Just the contentment you feel when you find yourself in a place you had been missing. That night both Jim and Blair slept peacefully.

Continued in part two.