Archive of Our Own ^beta

Disclaimers: Let’s see standard disclaimers apply. Jim and Blair and Simon belong to Pet Fly. I am making no money off of this.

Notes: Many thanks to my beta readers. Jenn, thank you so much. This wouldn’t have been posted without your help. Debra T. and Wanda, those nights on irc really helped me focus and your advice was priceless, thanks. And R’rain, even if you didn’t beta it you soothed my nerves, thanks. Feedback is welcome, please be gentle though.

Summary: After coming close to a breakdown in Simon’s office, Blair explains parts of his childhood to Jim.

Warnings: Due to serious discussion of childhood sexual abuse and the after affects I am rating this NC-17. I don’t get explicit about the abuse but still....it ain’t pretty. Lots of hurt and there isn’t much comfort ‘cause there can’t be. Sorry.

Thank you for listening, Eriker

*************************************************************

“Sandburg, Ellison... in my office now.” Simon’s voice boomed across the bullpen. Blair knew this was going to be a bad scene. ‘I have too much going on to deal with this right now,’ Blair thought as he followed Jim into the office.

Jim had been monitoring Blair since he arrived at the station that afternoon, after noticing that his partner was teetering on the edge. ‘I hope it’s just stress from the University,’ Jim thought, as he heard Blair’s heartbeat spike when the door closed behind them.

“What is it, Simon?” Jim hoped this wouldn’t take too long. He had a feeling he should get Blair home before this prelude to an attack turned into a full fledged problem.

“As you both know, it’s time to renew Sandburg’s observer status. I was thinking we could go over his tour of duty and discuss where to go from here.” Simon looked very serious. As Blair’s heart began racing even faster, Jim initial concern started to grow . There was no real reason for Blair to be this upset. The men had discussed this procedure. All concerned understood that this was simply a formality, however the timing couldn’t be worse. Blair was on the edge of panic and this was not going to make things any better.

“What do you mean? Review his performance? I mean, come on, it’s not like this is his job. Besides it’s Friday night, can’t this wait until Monday?” Jim prayed that Simon would hear what he *wasn’t* saying and let them go home.

“Hey kid ...are you okay?” Simon was staring past Jim at Blair. The sight that greeted Jim as he turned toward his lover was pretty much what he was expecting. Blair was ghostly white and looking pretty faint. His hands were clenched at his sides, and Jim could see the amount of mental power being channeled into keeping them there. Blair was staring intently at the floor, his breathing was very rapid. Jim stepped closer to him, squeezing his arm in reassurance.

“Chief, Honey, why don’t you go get our stuff together, I will be there in a minute, ‘kay?” Jim whispered to his mate softly. As Blair bolted from the room, Jim turned around to face something that he expected to rival the Spanish Inquisition. As much as his Captain bitched, Jim knew Simon really cared for Blair.

“Jim, start explaining. What the hell was that? Is the kid sick or something?” Simon wasn’t going to let this go easily.

“Sir, I really don’t think that it is necessary to go into details now. Blair isn’t sick. I would consider it a personal favor if we could continue this discussion at a later date. I have some business to attend to at the moment,” Jim replied as he started to the door, trying his best to be casual.

“Jim,” Simon’s voice was loud enough to snap Jim to attention, “I expect an answer now. I'll try to make this quick, due to your ‘personal business’. I am responsible for the safety of my men and the kid looked scared. Why is this little review making him react like that? Did he do something to jeopardize his status in the department?” Simon knew Blair would never purposely involve himself in something illegal, but the kid’s tendency to assist strangers in need had always created havoc in the boy’s life. Simon hoped that he wouldn’t be forced to pull Blair off the street, because he knew that Jim wouldn’t be far behind.

“Actually, Sir, I am surprised we lasted this long without an attack at the station. I mean three years and his facade never once cracked around here.” Jim wasn’t sure what to expect from Simon about this. Sandburg was up for review, and Jim hated to discuss this any farther right now. The Sentinel could see Simon’s detective instincts start to fire up and knew he wasn’t going to be able to leave the room until some form of the truth had been delivered. ‘Oh well,’ he thought, ‘fast is best. I will just tell him the bare essentials. I need to get Blair home quickly.’

“What do you mean ‘an attack’ Jim? Try starting at the beginning this time.” Simon wanted an explanation, and he was damn sure gonna get one.

“Blair sometimes has these stress reactions, Sir.” Jim was trying to keep this formal. He would explain this to his *friend* Simon later. “These episodes usually only occur when a lot of things have been building up in him.”

“Stress reactions...but Jim, Blair can’t be really ill. I mean he seems pretty normal, all things considered.” Simon was confused. ‘Well that’s normal. Took me about a year to process it,’ Jim thought.

“He is mostly normal. I mean you’ve known him almost as long as I have. Just when things build up or get to be too much, he snaps.” Jim was just trying to make this fast. He would have more time to explain to Simon later, and with any luck at all he would have some answers to his own questions about his lover’s behavior by then.

“Jim, that wasn’t really a normal snap from stress. Trust me, being with the department as long as I have, I’ve seen some very stressed people. I’d say that was extreme, even from the brief glimpse I got.”

“He has a compulsive disorder. Actually, I don’t even know if it’s a full-fledged disorder. It doesn’t usually interfere with his daily life, so I guess you could call them compulsive attacks. He only hurts himself, which is why I need to get him home and calmed down.” Jim looked at Simon carefully.

“Only hurts himself? What the hell does he do?” Simon was beginning to realize how serious Sandburg’s condition could be.

“Well, what you just saw was the start of one. The easiest way to stop them is to get him away from the stress and into a comfortable environment. The most disturbing manifestation is scratching, usually around his arms and hands. If he is too caught up in thinking that he is no good, or too depressed over something else he will scratch ‘til he bleeds. Those are the most serious and rarest attacks. I couldn’t begin to catalog the little things. It’s really not that big of a deal. We cope when it happens, but it doesn’t happen too often anymore.” Jim had been taking note of Simon’s reactions. ‘I hope he lets it be for now.’

“How is it I’ve never seen it before?”

“Number one, you don’t live with him....”

“Thank God.” Simon was attempting humor, which Jim took that as a positive sign.

“No, really, he is a strong person, and it takes a lot to push him over the edge. When he does fall, he tries to hide. A person can survive and appear normal with a condition like this. You should know that, Simon.”

“Yeah, I guess I do know that. When it’s this close to you, I don’t know, it’s just so different in theory as opposed to real life. How did this happen to him? Jim, don’t try tell me this isn’t trauma induced.”

“I don’t know, Simon. He hasn’t told me yet. I know it was something bad, but...”

“I would think he would tell you of all people.”

“Yeah, after two years together, but I don’t want him to talk until he’s ready. He’s working on it. He really is. Sometimes, I can almost see the struggle. I should go. Don’t,” Jim was grasping for a way to put this, “just don’t treat him differently. He’s not usually made of glass. He only really breaks down in places he deems safe. I guess you’re becoming a safe zone for him,” Jim sighed as he walked toward the door.

“Have a good weekend off, Jim. If you need me just call. Tell Sandburg that I still expect him in here Monday for that review.” As Simon smiled, Jim knew there wouldn’t be much of a problem here. ‘Good,’ he thought ‘I have a feeling we are going to need all the support we can get.’

Simon stared at the door as it closed. ‘”And what happens if Blair gets like this while you are both on the street, Jim? Have you even considered that? I really don’t like this...”, Simon was muttering to himself as he pulled out a cigar. The Captain still wasn’t quite used to the hearing capabilities of his star detective.

‘Dammit,’ Jim thought as he walked towards his desk, ‘this is going to be tougher that I thought.’ As his eyes found his lover’s still trembling form, he firmly pushed all other thoughts out of the way until Monday.

*****************************************

The next day found Blair at the large windows in the living room. He was staring outside, contemplating the rain. It had been coming down in torrents all morning, but now it was changing to a gentle cleansing rain. It reminded him of everything that was spring. ‘Now I’m sounding like a bad novel,’ he thought, ‘but it still fits.’ He had been going through what seemed like a flood of changes lately. The thought of the deluge fading into gentle new things was comforting.

It had taken weeks to work up to this point. Telling Jim what his childhood had been like was something that Blair had always avoided. He would let bits and pieces slip out, but they were always little things. Every time Blair even considered telling Jim his deepest secrets, he would start to panic. ‘I can’t even remember most of it. What I can picture sends me too far off the deep end.’ As Blair thought this, his hands unconsciously went to his forearms and started to move. ‘Stop it, dammit. You can do this without hurting yourself, you just need to go at it slowly.’

Jim was upstairs, most likely reading , having finished the paperwork he brought home last night. It was their weekend off, and both men were enjoying the freedom of having nothing to do. It was times like these that Blair deemed safe enough to give into the memories that constantly tormented him. As they began to flicker in his head again, Blair quickly reminded himself that he was safe and loved.

If things got rough, he could find comfort in Jim. Lately the memories had started to return unbidden. Blair knew the thin line of control he had on the past was fading. He recognized that these experiences had to be sorted through if he was ever going to heal completely. Jim deserved that. He deserved a whole lover, not the empty shell he had taken into his loft years ago.

The one thing Blair had been sure through all of his contemplating of the past few weeks was that Jim was “it”. The Sentinel completed Blair and they belonged together. Nothing would change that. Even though Blair was absolutely sure of their commitment, he couldn’t release his almost innate fear that Jim would wake up one day, realize how horrible his guide really was, and walk away. That was the problem. Not the possibility that Jim would do that, because quite frankly he wouldn’t; but Blair couldn’t stop being scared, couldn’t banish his fear of abandonment.

Blair had always been prone to anxiety attacks. He knew those attacks troubled Jim. Blair believed that Jim was stronger he was, always able to do the right thing in any given situation. When he was truly anxious, Blair could be like a whimpering puppy. If faced with a particularly traumatic personal situation, Blair went into a subservient mode, looking as if he expected to be hit at any minute. It was a response that Jim hated. It would have been so easy for Jim to take the reins of control that Blair continually offered him, but Jim wanted a mate, not a puppet or slave. It had taken Blair the better part of two years to learn that, and now he was finally going to fix it.

Blair was, underneath all of the bounce, a very insecure person. He knew why he hated himself. Things had been done to him...things he couldn’t control, things that weren’t his fault. For over twenty years Blair had been unwilling to deal with the things he had endured, now he had to face it. Jim deserved a full, healed, loving person and Blair was determined to be what his lover needed.

Blair briefly put his hand on the cool glass, staring at the damp print he left behind. His mind reeled back to that house. The bathroom. The mirror. The Blair-of-the-present was fighting not to retch while watching the Blair-of-the-past struggle. In his mind’s eye, he saw the man. The man was a skinny blond with a cheesy mustache, and he was so much bigger than the wriggling five year old in his arms. Blair’s memories of these events was sketchy, it was better that way. What memories did remain burst forth like a dam breaking, sweeping him back into his past.

***************************************************

Blair was still standing by the window some twenty minutes later. He shook his head in an effort to clear away all of the memories, but a residual feeling of guilt settled over him. It had taken him long enough to stop feeling worthless, he couldn’t deal with his misplaced guilt yet. He knew his hands were moving; yet he was unable to stop them, even when when he felt something moist at his fingertips. He didn’t hear Jim come downstairs. As strong arms came around his waist to coiling him in an embrace to stop his scratching, Blair flinched away violently. Still caught up in a memory of another pair of large arms, Blair turned to look at his attacker, half-expecting to see Kevin there leering back at him.

Jim looked at him, obviously reading all the fear in his eyes. “Hey Chief, easy. I didn’t mean to startle you.” Jim sounded worried.

Blair relaxed slightly. “It’s okay. Sorry, I was just in the past.”

“Yeah, you seemed a million miles away. You want to talk about it?” Jim was looking disapprovingly at the younger man’s hands. Blair looked down, knowing full well what he would find. There were red marks all across his left hand and arm. He watched, fascinated, as the blood started to run down his arm from several small tears in his skin. The scratches weren’t that bad by comparison, but he knew Jim wouldn’t leave it alone. Blair realized that either the smell of blood or the sound of his scratching must have been what brought Jim downstairs in the first place. Occasionally he wished that his mate’s senses weren’t hyperactive; it certainly would make his life easier from time to time. Jim spoke again cautiously, “Chief, Honey, I thought we were done with that.”

“Oh, I didn’t realize I was doing it. I thought I had broken myself of it, too. I was even letting my nails get a bit longer. Oh shit, it’s pointless.” Blair’s resolve and whatever calm he had previously possessed left him as he began to sob in a panic. Remembering all at once had was just too much for him to handle. Blair’s knees buckled from the chaos raging through his mind. Jim caught him easily before he got half way to the floor.

“Blair... Blair, come on talk to me. What’s going on?” Blair’s hysteria was turning physical, causing the younger man to hyperventilate. As Jim picked him up and carried him to the couch, Blair’s body was wracked with sobs. Jim cradled his mate, in an effort to clam him, continuing the soothing motions until the smaller frame began to relax. It wasn’t long before Blair’s breathing settled into the familiar patterns of sleep. Jim just sat there, staring at the beautiful, complex, maddening, wonderful, and very broken person in his arms.

Jim knew that something like this had been brewing for a while, since the breakdown at the station, he had been expecting this kind of storm. The last few weeks had been rough for both of them. Blair was finally starting to take control of his own life. However with that control, came an occasional sense of clarity that made Blair’s whole being suddenly come into focus. This control was still wildly erratic, so tentative, that it seemed the mastery could fade in a moment given the right stimuli. As Blair had accepted that he had a home here with Jim, one that was going to last, he was also learning to balance his negative self image with positive thoughts. The depths of Blair’s negative picture of himself never ceased to amaze Jim. It was extremely frustrating to constantly feel as though he had to prove to his mate that Blair, the man, was worth loving.

Jim had finally managed to make Blair see that he needed to work on his self-image in order for their relationship to continue to thrive and grow. Blair was working at “addressing all the issues”, and was actually making real visible progress. Although Jim was proud of the effort he was making, he wondered if the young man was trying to cure the symptoms rather than the disease by working on his self image and ignoring what had happened to make it so bad. As for what that secret was, it seemed as though Blair wouldn't even admit it to himself, let alone tell Jim much more than the few scattered hints he had dropped here and there.

Jim knew that the Blair that had broken down crying a second ago was the “old Blair”, the one that detested himself. That was the Blair that had so many walls up around him, Jim was never sure where he really was. Although most people said Blair was the most open person they had ever met, the Sentinel knew that what others saw was just one of the many faces of Blair. While his guide had people all over the world who said they were his close friends, not one had ever seen the real thing. Jim was the sole person who saw this side of his lover. Blair had admitted the fact that he couldn’t stand to be touched by strangers. Only his closest friends could touch him without causing him to flinch. Jim could see that Blair enjoyed that trusted closeness. When an unknown touched him, the revulsion on Blair’s face was evident to Jim, like the contact burned him in some way. Jim watched as strangers always felt the need to stroke Blair’s hair. Each time it happened, he felt Blair’s pain.

‘So Chief, you gonna tell me what it is this time, or are you going to bury it again? My God, what happened to you to make you like this?’ Blair stirred in his sleep almost as if he’d heard Jim’s thoughts. As Jim’s gaze focused on Blair’s face, he found blue eyes looking back at him blearily.

“Hey lover, what’s up?” Blair was still fuzzy, not being quite able to recall how he came to be on the couch in Jim’s arms.

“Blair, are you okay?” Jim was eying him warily. “Huh? Oh, yeah I just...my chest aches. What happened?”

“Honey, look at your arms.”

“Oh shit.” The blood had dried now and some had smeared on Jim’s shirt.

“You were by the windows. I came down ‘cause I had been listening to your heart rate soar for a good spell, when I heard you start to scratch. I smelled blood, and I guessed what you were doing. I think I scared you when I approached, because you looked at me like I was the devil incarnate. By the time you realized it was me, you looked down, noticing the blood yourself. I swear you seemed hypnotized by it. When I said something about it, then you began crying hysterically. You started hyperventilating. I carried you to the couch, where you slowly calmed down and fell asleep. What is going on? I need for you to talk to me.” Jim had been staring at him with concern throughout the whole speech, noting his reactions. Blair face reflected fear and guilt at the same time, like a child caught doing something forbidden.

“Yeah...yeah, I guess I do. Jim, the memories have been coming back on their own, I thought I could handle them all at once, as long as I was in a safe place. I just went back and tried to sort it all out. I knew I needed to face it, deal with it myself, before I could explain it to you.” Blair paused to collect his thoughts. This had not started well, but now he seemed to be entering another moment of clarity. It was during these times Blair could talk about himself in a detached way, allowing him the level of comfort he need to talk about his past.

“Blair, I love you. I always have. You’re what completes me. If you’re hurting, I’m there hurting with you...for you. We support each other in everything else. Why not here, with this?”

“I’m so amazed I found you. It would’ve been so easy for you to control me like the others did. I wanted you to,” Blair admitted. “Hell, I tried to make you do it, too. I’m so sorry for that. I am so lucky that you love me too much to do that. I know need to tell you this stuff. This may take a while so why don’t we get dinner taken care of first.”

Jim looked at his watch, amazed to find that it was almost six. Saturdays went by so fast. “Okay, what do you say to pizza?”

Blair looked up at him his eyes narrowing. “Well I guess so... if we get the thick crust.”

“Dammit Sandburg, you know how I feel about thick crust. If you want bread, I’ll get you a loaf. Pizza should be crispy, crunchy, and...” Jim grinned. This was a “fight” they repeated about once a week and both of them knew their lines. On this night, Jim found the ritual absurdly comforting.

“I wish they would just make a pizza that was half thin and half thick. Okay, thin crust, but you have to order me some bread sticks, too.” Blair smiled as he spoke the weekly compromise outloud. At least Jim wasn’t treating him like a baby by giving into his every whim. ‘Yet...you know he’ll start treating you like you’re made out of glass after he knows the truth,’ Blair sighed to himself as Jim went to get the phone. This was going to be a rough night.

-------------------------------------------

An hour later, they were sitting in much the same position. Jim was leaning against the arm of the love seat with Blair cuddled up next to him, almost on top of him. After finishing the pizza, they had slowly eased their way back into the overdue discussion.

“Okay, Jim, I know I have been pretty unbearable to live with lately. No, don’t try to deny it. I have some serious problems. Taking me on as a lover...as a mate is really a trial. I admire you for trying to get through this with me, but I’ll also understand if you can’t. You didn’t know about all this when we started. Now that I’m healing, I know I won’t be quite the same. If you find you can’t love the person I become, I don’t want you to feel obligated to stay.” Blair said this quietly as he pulled out of Jim’s embrace. He scooted to the opposite end of the love seat, and faced Jim with their knees barely touching.

“Blair, I love you. I’ve been waiting for you for a long time, and I won’t run now. I’ll never run from you.” Jim was trying to sound soothing, but he was scared. He wasn’t really sure he was ready to hear this. “What do you want me to do?”

“I am going to just start talking here. If you have a problem with any of it or if you don’t quite understand something, just ask me. I’ll try to answer. I also want you to understand that the only way I can get through this is to distance myself from it. I am probably going to sound detached. I know this is new to you, but it isn’t new to me, so try to understand if I sound cold or unfeeling. It’s a coping mechanism. I can assure you that I’m scared out of my mind right now.” Blair paused to take a deep breath. He was sure that if he could get past the next few words, it would all spill out in form.

“I was five when Naomi decided that we should spend the year in one place. I think it was so that I could complete kindergarten and spend a summer with the same set of kids. I don’t know, maybe she just wanted to play suburbia for a while. We were staying with some friends of hers in a suburb of Springfield. Their names were Diane and Bill. Naomi worked during the day, so I need a place to stay before my afternoon kindergarten. Diane and Bill’s neighbors seemed like nice people. The mother was home during the day and could easily watch little Blair and get him off to school on time.” Blair had a glassy look in his eyes. It was like he was zoning out on the memory.

Jim reached forward, gently placing his hand on Blair’s leg. Blair blinked, looking at Jim questioningly. “Is referring to yourself in the third person part of the detachment?” Jim asked gently, trying to gauge whether or not his lover was truly out of it..

“Yeah, it helps me to think of it as something that’s not really happening. I know I need to stop that. This is the first time I’ve really told anyone. I even hid this from all my therapists.” Blair actually grinned as he answered. Although it seemed ridiculously out of place, it soothed Jim to see him smile. Jim nodded, motioning for Blair to continue.

“Well, the neighbors were, by all appearances, a ‘run of the mill’ family. There was a mother, a father, and two boys. They lived in a big brown house, and I’ve often wondered what the hell really went on there when no one else was around. But I digress. It wasn’t really all that bad until school let out for the summer. I was at that house all day. The two boys were home too. I’ve always gotten along better with people who are older than I am. I really worshipped those boys. The younger one was named Scottie. He was around twelve years old and spent most of his free time running around the neighborhood with his friends. He wasn’t home much, and he tried to avoid me when he was there. What almost-teenager wants a five year old chasing them?”

“The oldest son was Kevin. He must have been eighteen. I remember that he had just graduated from high school. He usually ignored me as well, but he was home more often. I followed him around incessantly. One morning I noticed Kevin was going into the bathroom, so I decided to try to tag along. Sometimes he let me watch while he shaved. Those times were rare, so I expecting to be thrown out into the hall. I don’t know why that time was different, I suppose it was inevitable. Kevin just looked down at me, and his eyes kind of unfocused. He let me follow him into the bathroom, then he locked the door behind us. Kevin started to draw a bath for himself. I guess I didn’t quite know what was going on.” Blair sighed as he wrapped his arms around his stomach. He turned his head to look out the windows and slowly continued.

“The next little bit I can’t really remember. It seems like a blur. Certain parts are sharply in focus, but the vast majority of it is jumbled. I remember Kevin pulling my pants down, and I remember thinking that was odd since I’d already had a bath that morning at home. I remember Kevin being naked. He seemed so tall. He was really skinny and had a thin mustache. He had blond hair and his eyes were really small. I remember Kevin saying, ‘This is called masturbation.’ I remember his hands being on me. I didn’t understand. I didn’t know what to do. I was glad to have the attention. That’s the thing that bothers me. I liked it because he wasn’t ignoring me anymore.” Blair’s voice was cracking a little. Jim was fighting his own tears as he noticed Blair’s heart rate start to climb.

“He told me I was special. I chalked it all up to that. I felt weird about it, but I convinced myself that it was ‘cause I was so special. Kevin said I couldn’t tell anyone, so I didn’t. Of course, no one asked either. I probably would have told if anyone had asked. I wasn’t too good at secrets back then. No one noticed; and eventually Scottie started to do the same thing. It was always just touching. Listen to that...*just touching*. Now I’m grateful they never went any farther than that. That house became a very awkward place. I started to wet myself. No one said anything or even thought about why. Naomi even attributed the red raw skin to being in wet pants too often. I got a lot of bladder infections, too.” Blair was still staring out the window at the rain. Jim was choking on the horrid images his mind was supplying to go with the narrative.

“Blair, didn’t Naomi notice anything?” It was all Jim could manage. Blair turned to look at him for a second, then turned to watch the glass again.

“She noticed things, but there were always other explanations. She never put it all together. There was one day that I had a chance at being saved but, it just didn’t pan out. Naomi would call next-door when she got home from work each day, and they would send me home. She always talked to me while she made dinner, and I loved it. Every day she would ask, ‘How was your day, little one?’ That was my favorite nickname. I remember what I said that day. I will always remember that. I said, ‘Pretty good. I got to play with the math games Scottie has. He was being pretty silly. He said I had to pull my pants down more than usual if I wanted to play with them.’ I remember grinning because I thought she would be proud of me for doing stuff with numbers. I looked up at her and got very scared.”

“Her eyes were so big and her voice was very angry when she spoke. ‘Honey, go play in your room, I’ll be home soon. Diane is downstairs.’ With that she stalked out of the room. I watched out the window as she ran to that house. When she came home she was very flushed, like she had been yelling. She picked me up and hugged me. She said ‘Don’t worry, honey, you’ll never be alone with Scottie again.’ That was the end of her involvement.” Blair jumped at the sound of Jim’s voice.

“What? That was it? Why didn’t she go to the cops? Why didn’t...” Jim faltered as Blair’s calm gaze met his. ‘I can’t believe how dead he looks,’ Jim thought.

“Looking back, I can only guess why she didn’t do anything else. She was obviously in denial. I think it was a lot of things. I was so young she might have thought it was better not to make a big deal out of it. Part of it was Scottie’s age. She didn’t want a boy that young in trouble. Part of it was not wanting to acknowledge that she hadn’t protected her little boy. Shit...No...that’s not fair. It wasn’t her fault it happened. She did what she thought was best.” There was actually a tear streaming down Blair’s cheek now. It was as if his own pain didn’t faze him, but knowing his mother was in anguish hurt. He lowered his eyes and continued.

“I still blame her for some of the rest of it. Sure, I wasn’t ever alone with Scottie again, but I still had to go back to that house. Guess what? Kevin got to watch me more, because Scottie couldn’t. He was always rougher. I hadn’t told about Kevin, so he could still play with me. That’s what he told me, and it made sense to me at the time. Scottie was punished because I told, so he couldn’t play anymore. Kevin said he always wanted to be able to play with me, so I never told about him. Kevin went away to college soon and we moved, so it all stopped before I turned six. Naomi never mentioned it again.” Blair looked at Jim. Jim’s face was streaked with tears. After a moment he spoke.

“I am glad you told me all that, Chief. I don’t know what to say though.” Jim was startled when Blair laughed.

“Oh, Jim, we are just getting started. You think that with my luck the bad stuff would stop there? I need to do this all at once. If I crawl back into my shell now, you might never know all this. I was six. Fucking six years old. I knew what sex was, and I shouldn’t have. No child should understand the workings of an erect penis, let alone what to do if faced with one. I started to change. I can see it now, when I look back. That was what started my self-sufficient nature. Kevin said that touching yourself was something everyone did, like brushing your teeth. I thought it was a necessary chore. I didn’t get anything from it, but I kept doing it anyway. Kevin told me I was lucky to learn so early.” Blair was talking faster as his anxiety level rose, so Jim squeezed his knee to remind him to slow down. Blair just looked at Jim’s hand without stopping his break-neck speed.

“When I was six Naomi’s friend caught me. She told me to stop it. She said it was bad and that she was going to tell Naomi. Naomi never said anything. By that time I guess her denial was in full swing. Abused kids are usually sexualized when they are too young. A very young child who is seriously masturbating is usually a victim. I heard Naomi tell a friend that once in reference to another child. She could recognize it there, but not in me. Anyway, I knew it was bad from that point on. I figured maybe it was only good if someone makes you do it.” Blair paused and caught Jim’s eye. “I need something to drink. The year I turned seven was a very bad year. Do you want anything?”

“Yeah, whatever you’re having.” This was an absurdly normal exchange in Jim’s mind. He tried to take in what Blair had just finished telling him. Nope, it just wasn’t jelling and there was more to come. ‘Three years and you didn’t have a clue that it was this bad, Jimmy. Damn, he’s good at hiding this.’ Blair returned with two water bottles and a box of tissues that he handed to Jim.

“You’ll need these more than I will. I feel oddly calm right now. Maybe I cried all my tears earlier. Anyway, seven was a very bad age for me. Second grade was a trial. I hated school. Suddenly, going to learn wasn’t fun anymore. My teacher, Mrs. Green, was horrible. She was pretty close to retirement, and I guess I was just too much for her. I was already being referred to as a ‘little bundle of energy’ by that point. Naomi likes to tell this story. She sees it as my first triumph against the establishment. In reality, it is the root of a lot of my problems.” Blair had a small sad smile on his face. It was like something he was very fond of had died, and he was remembering the good times he had with it.

“Mrs. Green was pretty sick of my antics in class, and for some reason decided that I had Attention Deficit Disorder. I never completed my work on time, never sat still for very long, so that was enough for her. She never noticed that I spent all my time bouncing from desk to desk helping everyone else do their work. I guess I was always a teacher. Mrs. Green decided that I should be held back a year. As if that wasn’t enough, she also wrote Naomi a note that suggested some doctors, not to mention a big packet on the drug Ritalin,” Blair chuckled.

“I’ve heard of that drug. It’s pretty effective isn’t it?” Jim didn’t know quite where this was leading.

“Yeah, it works great on real ADD cases, but I didn’t have ADD. Naomi was royally pissed. Mrs. Green didn’t understand me, so her first solution was drugs. Naomi went to the school and bitched her out, but Green still wanted to hold me back. Naomi suggested I be tested to see if I was on par with the other kids. For the next month, I was constantly pulled out of class to take tests. Can you guess what the tests found? A bright, social child that was bored with the slow pace.”

“Mrs. Green still wanted to hold me back. Amazing isn’t it? That was all taken care of though, once the school found out. I was on my way to third grade and high potential classes. Mom told me my I.Q., but she made me promise to keep it secret. She didn’t want me bragging. I was now expected to perform at school. The other kids didn’t understand why I was getting so much attention. I was set apart socially for the first time. That’s where my journey as a misunderstood, ostracized nerd began. Teachers started paying more attention to me than to the other kids. I was always leaving class to go to seminars and meet authors and stuff. The other kids just didn’t understand. I was different, and that’s a deadly thing to be in grade school. Plus add my size into the whole mess....” Blair sighed and noticed Jim looking at him with a question in his eyes. “What?”

“Are you gonna tell me what it is?”

“What, my I.Q.?”

“Yeah, I’m curious now.”

“Okay, but don’t tell Naomi I told you,” Blair grinned.

“I get the feeling you’ve said that a few time before,” Jim smiled back.

“Well, it wasn’t a very well kept secret. I realized later in life that I.Q. means nothing. My emotional I. Q. is pretty low so it is balanced. It’s 157.”

“Wow. I always thought you were the smartest person I knew. Now I have proof. My mate is a genius.” Jim was beaming.

“Maybe, but not by much. Anyway, like I said, it doesn’t really mean anything. It’s just a number. Don’t go bragging about me,” Blair looked back at the window before drawing a deep breath. “I think we are running away from the topic.”

---------------------------------------

“I went to stay with my uncle and aunt for a month that summer. Naomi was going on a retreat, and she thought it would be good for me to spend time with my cousins. Robbie was fourteen, and I guess Jasmine was sixteen. The absolute last thing they wanted was a seven year old tagging along.”

“It started to get bad pretty quickly. Jasmine was supposed to watch me one night while everyone else went into town. I guess she figured the best way to watch me was to make sure I couldn’t move. Somehow, she tricked me into lying face down on the bed. She tied up my hands and feet, and left me like that until her parents pulled into the driveway hours later. I told on her, got her into big trouble. Jasmine and Robbie didn't talk to me for a whole week. Of course, I remembered about Scottie, my vow never to tell on anyone ever again.”

“I wish it had ended there, but as soon as they started to talk to me again, things got even worse. Jasmine started trying to get me alone all the time; and when she did, she would touch me just like Kevin had. I knew better than to tell. I started telling myself that I must be really special if everyone wanted that from me. I was old enough to know that it was a bad way to be special.” Jim had firmly taken hold of Blair’s hands about half way through this part of the story when his lover began to scratch again. Blair looked down at Jim’s powerful hands restraining his own smaller ones.

“This all started soon after that. Actually, all the compulsions started then, but the scratching was the worst. It’s really mild now. Whenever I get anxious, I start to scratch. Now it’s just my hands and arms, but it was all over back then.” Blair’s hands were shaking in Jim’s larger ones.

“This is the hardest stuff to admit, you know. This is me, not something done to me. This stuff I did to myself. I started scratching my genitals. Once I started scratching, it wouldn’t be over ‘til I bled. That was the bottom line. There was a sense of calm when I saw the blood on my skin or fingers. The skin around my genitals broke easily and took longer to heal. It was pretty painful, but I learned to enjoy that pain. It was a strange sense of relief every time I broke the skin; like I was destroying what was bad, what they wanted to touch. It became normal, and I decided I deserved it. Naomi never noticed because I became a master at hiding it. Her denial probably masked the blood on my clothes and underwear as being from normal kid-like injuries.” Blair swallowed hard as Jim held his hands even tighter. Jim was crying again. ‘Tales of self-genital mutilation tended to do that to people who were mostly normal,’ Blair thought grimly.

“As I got older, I eventually learned about things like molestation. I knew that one of the first things you should do is assure the child that they are not alone, that it happens to others, too. My brain was already so twisted, it put that little fact together with the idea that I was smarter than other kids. I figured that I could handle it alone. So I went on in life feeding a growing sense of being filthy.” Blair took his hands out of Jim’s briefly to take a small sip of water. Jim grabbed his mate’s hands back as soon as they were free. This contact was becoming increasingly important as Jim processed all this. Ironically, the older man needed Blair’s touch more than Blair needed his right now.

“I knew I was worthless before I started junior high. The other kids helped my little self-loathing trip along nicely. My hands and arms were already scarred by that point. Most of them have faded now.” Blair felt Jim’s eyes searching his forearms. Jim could see the remnants even if most people couldn’t. “Most everyone assumed they were from rough and tumble play. They didn’t know about the compulsions. If I got anxious over anything, it was an automatic response. I scratched ‘til I bled, it was that simple. I hated this body, so I tried to destroy it. I still fight it today. You don’t know how strong the urges are. I have to fight them so hard.”

“In high school, I got the idea that if someone else could find pleasure in my body, maybe it wasn’t all bad. My brain picked my first few boyfriends and girlfriends with great care. They were all users, the type who would take control of my life. I thought I needed that. With my first lover, Dave, I seriously don’t remember if I ever came. I would pleasure him, but refuse to be pleasured in return. Dave was sixteen and saw it as a great opportunity instead of a problem. I was fifteen, and I thought I was in love. At one point, I even tried to tell him what Kevin had done. I got the general gist of the story out before flying into such a hysterical sobbing fit that I couldn’t continue. Dave didn’t even react. No words of comfort, no touch, not even an acknowledgement. It was never mentioned again. I was with him for a year.” Jim shook his head at that.

“I know, I know. I wanted to be treated like that, though. I goaded him into it most of the time. The only other time I got that hysterical was when I was thirteen. We went back to visit Diane and Bill. They still lived in the same house.” Blair took a sharp breath. He hated admitting this part even to himself.

“Everything was fine until we went out back for a barbecue. I glanced over at that horrible house, that contained that horrible bathroom, the one Naomi had sent me back into; and at that moment a very familiar form came out the back door. Kevin was there. The worst part was that there was a little boy clinging to his knee calling him Daddy. I ran to the bushes and started throwing up. Naomi took me inside to make me lie down.”

“That was the last time I ever saw Kevin, but I will always remember that little boy. I spent that afternoon telling myself he wouldn’t do that to his own son, but the reality is he probably would. Then I asked myself if I really thought it was my fault. I know most people would say no, since I was only five at the time. Hell, I even tried to tell someone. I knew, though, that for some reason I would always be partially responsible for that little boy’s hell. I ripped most of the skin off of my arms that night.” Blair was finally crying softly as he spoke, not for himself, but for the little boy who he had been unable to protect.

Both men were in tears. As Blair’s gentle tears turned into sobs, Jim pulled him into his lap. Jim had never felt so helpless in his whole life. Even when his senses were acting up, he still had some hope of control with Blair at his side, but now he was faced with an evil he couldn’t combat. This was a demon over twenty years in the making, and he knew it wouldn’t ever go away. Blair was sobbing in his arms, yet his “Blessed Protector” couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

“Blair, I love you. I want to tell you that everything will be okay, but it’s gonna take us a while to get there. Just know that I will never leave you, and I will never let anyone hurt you again.” Even though Jim was speaking very softly, he knew that his lover had heard every word. “None of it was your fault. I love you.” They sat in each other’s arms for a long time just thinking. Blair suddenly turned and pounced on Jim, straddling his thighs, kissing him ferociously. He pulled back and looked at Blair. “Are you sure this is a good idea? I think we need to talk about this.”

“Jim, this is the last thing I am going to say about this tonight. I will never forget what happened. Never. But I’m beginning to believe in myself and in you. You’ve shown me that there is pleasure that can be found in me, pleasure that isn’t accompanied by pain or coercion. You’ve helped me to discover it, but I need to keep finding it. I need to make love to you. I need to feel...feel good things right now. I love you, James Ellison. Now help me to experience it.” Blair was looking at him with such clarity and honesty that Jim could do nothing but comply.

Blair kissed him deeply before pulling back slightly to bare his neck for Jim. Jim started by licking the side ever so slowly, then kissing and sucking his way across every inch of the exposed flesh. Relishing Blair’s moans, he bit carefully, just enough to leave a mark, but not to hurt. Jim slowly sucked at that spot before he pulled back to admire his handiwork. Blair grinned down at him. “Oh man, you are so territorial. I love that. Race you to the bed.” For the first time in weeks, the spark was back in Blair’s eyes.

Upstairs, they quickly divested each other of all clothes before falling on their bed. Their skin almost melted together as Jim rolled Blair under him and started on his guide’s neck again. Jim’s slow trek down Blair’s body left the younger man moaning in pleasure. He paused at a nipple that was proudly standing out. The Sentinel kissed the skin surrounding the tender peak before latching on to it; sucking at, then nipping the distended flesh. Blair’s body arched off the bed as Jim kissed a trail down the younger man’s stomach, pausing at the navel to dip his tongue in gently. This feast was almost becoming more than Jim could bear, so he moved on to his goal. His guide tasted so good and the knowledge that this pleasure was his to give sent a shiver down Jim’s spine. He looked up to find Blair watching him intently. “Blair, I love you. Watch me; watch me touch you. *I* am making you feel this way. Whatever you do, don’t take your eyes off me.” Blair gave a single sharp nod. Satisfied that Blair understood his request, Jim set about his task with renewed enthusiasm. His occasional glances up to catch Blair’s eyes just served to make him more determined.

As Jim feasted on the skin around his cock, Blair began to writhe. Jim knew it was time for main event. He looked up to smile at Blair. Jim could only guess at the reason the young man was looking rather glassy-eyed. Although Blair began to whimper at the pause in Jim’s attentions, he continued to watch Jim intensely. Sensing his lover’s need Jim took the swollen erection completely into his mouth, working his tongue and hands into a rhythm that was sure to drive Blair over the edge. As Jim’s eyes locked onto his lover’s, he poured everything he could into this act. Jim knew he had to reclaim what was theirs, to banish Blair’s memories for now. The trust apparent in his love’s actions tonight was a greater aphrodisiac than the Sentinel had ever encountered. The faith the younger man had in him affected Jim more deeply than Blair would ever know; raising the Sentinel's need to levels he had never before dreamed existed. Jim felt his own arousal grow. Moving against the sheets, he turned his tactile dial up ever so slightly.

Blair knew he was close, and for once just let himself rush over the waterfall instead of trying to avoid it. He rewarded Jim with a cry of ecstasy as he climaxed. Instinctively knowing that Blair was tired, Jim wrapped his mate in his arms as he made his way up to the top of the bed. Blair let himself be cuddled for a minute before kissing Jim again and whispering gently into his lover’s ear. “Jim...lover...I want...I need you to be in me. “

“Blair, it’s okay. I don’t...”

“Jim, I said I *need* you. I need to experience our trust and love physically. I need to take you into me. I want you to make love to me. Now.” Blair kissed him again while reaching down to caress his hardness. He was rather disappointed to find a slick stomach and a rapidly cooling member instead. He looked up at Jim, to find his Sentinel blushing furiously.

“Sorry, Love. You know how much that gets to me. I couldn’t really help it.” Jim was embarrassed, yet he was also somewhat relieved. He really didn’t feel ready to take his guide yet, not after tonight. Jim felt he needed time to assimilate this information. “Besides, I think the trust you want was there anyway. I could feel you stop fighting your own orgasm. Your body just relaxed. It was beautiful. That’s what pushed me over, knowing that you trusted me with your pleasure. You let me give that to you. I love you.”

Blair looked deeply into Jim’s eyes and sighed. “You and your oral fetish will be the death of me. I love you, too. I understand what you’re saying.”

“You hear that?” Jim grinned.

“Yeah, I hear that. Don’t bring Naomi up while we’re in bed, man. That is like so uncool. Almost like talking about Simon or something.” Blair shuddered at the thought of Simon reacting to this scene. “Hey Jim, this is really nice. I feel, I don’t know, a sudden sense of freedom, almost like euphoria.”

“Thanks, Chief. I knew I was good, but hey, euphoria. Must be all those Blow Pops I’ve been practicing on.” Jim’s tone was light and teasing.

“It is more than I usually feel after one of your “working overs”. I’ve been hiding this for so long, to finally talk to you about it is such a relief. Now you know the reasons for so much of what I do, especially in bed. It’s very comforting to not be alone with that knowledge any more.” Blair sighed one more time before dropping his head onto Jim’s chest. “I know it’s just the afterglow talking, that this is just a momentary reprieve, but still it feels good. “

As Blair cuddled into Jim’s side, both men were lost in their own thoughts; ideas of love and total commitment whirling through both their heads. Sentinel and Guide knew this was just the beginning of the road to recovery. One night couldn’t erase a lifetime of use and abuse, but it was a start. It was going to be a rough road, but what it led to was worth any price. They loved each other, they fit together. It was that simple and that vastly complex. Blair grinned sleepily as he looked up at Jim one last time.

“Love you,” They said at the same time.

Grinning, they spoke again in unison...”Forever.”

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The next morning Blair woke up to find Jim staring down at him. “Hey lover, whaz up?”

It took Blair a moment to realize that Jim was crying softly. “I was just....I was thinking about you, wishing that I was there to protect you from him...from them,” Jim’s voice was soft and strained.

“Jim, stop it. Number one, it isn’t your fault. I was very young and some very bad shit happened. I know this is new to you. I know this will be at the front of your mind for a while. Mine too, just because I haven’t gone over the details like that for a very long time. That’s part of the reason I avoided telling you. I don’t want you to think about this every time you look at me. I meant it when I said I will probably be changing over the next few months.” Blair was trying to keep his thoughts organized. At this hour however, it was a losing battle.

“I will always love you no matter how much you change. My life is yours, and we are one. I mean that when I say it.” Jim had a look of fierce determination in his eyes. It was sadly beautiful to Blair.

“I know that you believe that, Jim. I believe it, too, but it won’t solve everything. It gives me a wonderful foundation to work from, but I have a lot to deal with right now. I have to start rebuilding what I tore apart last night. I want you there with me, but if you’re there because of some kind of guilt, then you aren’t going to help me. This thing is a phantom that is always there, lurking. If you concentrate on it, it will destroy you. I know what happened to me, I’ve known about it for over twenty years. If I actually start to *think* about it, I see flashes that send me over the edge; of feeling my flesh tear, seeing that bathroom mirror, hearing Kevin in my head.” Blair was starting to shake.

“Don’t go back there, love.” Jim hugged Blair a little closer.

“I know, but by the same token, blocking it out isn’t healthy, either. It has to exist at the fringes of who I am. It always has. It always will. I love you, Jim. Let’s get up and figure out what we can do on a boring ol’ Sunday. Okay? I just want to spend today remembering why I love you. I want to concentrate on the good things for a while.” Blair was smiling as he sat up and stretched.

“Yeah, the good things.” Jim was smiling too. For now, it was enough.

It’s Alright

It’s alright, forty days of rain My skin stretched out from the growing pain It’d be nice to have an explanation but it’s alright

And it’s alright if you hate that way, Hate me ‘cause I’m different, hate me ‘cause I’m gay Truth of the matter come around one day So it’s alright

I look at this life line stretched way all across my hand I look at the burned out empty, like a plague across the land And for everything I learned there are two I don’t understand That’s why I’m still on a search through the weather strewn church I’m doing the best that I can and it’s alright

And it’s alright though we worry and fuss, Can’t get over the hump or get over us It seems easier to push than to let go and trust And it’s alright

When we get a little distance some things get clearer Give ‘em the space, our hearts grow nearer I ran as hard as I could and still ended up here And it’s alright

I look at this life line stretched way all across my hand I look at the fires of hatred burning up the bounty of this beautiful land I know I’m small in a way but I know I’m strong And it’s my thirst that brought me to the water When I give it all up she carries me on And It’s alright

Yeah it’s alright

And it’s alright though I feel afraid My plans in pieces, my plans mislaid. It’s the will of the way, the will of the way The will of the only way that could have brought me here today And it’s alright

//Hi. I needed to instill a bit more hope here. I love this song. In my opinion it fits, not only the situation, but the boys in general. Lyrics used without permission. Song is by the Indigo Girls off of the album “Shaming the Sun”. There will be a sequel as soon as I can write it. Eriker//

finis