Work Text:
Knowing When
by Krisser
“Hi. Thank you all for coming. I just have a short speech prepared here. Um... In our media-informed culture, a scientist receives validation by having his or her work published and after years of research there is great personal satisfaction when that goal is reached. However, my desire to impress both my peers and the world at large drove me to an immoral and unethical act. My thesis "The Sentinel" is a fraud. While my paper does quote ancient source material, the documentation proving that James Ellison…...actually possesses hyper-senses is fraudulent. Looking back, I can say that it's a good piece of fiction. I apologize for this deception. My only hope is that I can be forgiven for the pain I've caused those that are close to me. Thank you.” Blair stepped off the podium and hurried out of the room.
He was fired from the university, expelled from the doctorate program all on the way to the hospital to check on Simon and Megan. At least Jim let him, the soon to be ex-observer, finish the current case with him.
--------
With Zeller really dead, Jim finally relented to go to the hospital. Blair didn’t go in the ambulance, he didn’t think Jim really wanted him to. Joel drove them both in. Blair still wanted to make sure that the medical staff didn’t give Jim anything he couldn’t handle.
Blair waited in the nearest waiting room as they operated on Jim’s leg to remove the bullet. Joel was with Simon and would keep him updated on Jim’s condition. An hour and half later, the staff finally let Blair into recovery to sit with Jim. It was easier than fielding his questions every ten minutes.
-----
The familiar cadence of his guide’s heartbeat greeted his move from unconsciousness. Jim opened his eyes to the expected sight of his guide in the chair by the bed.
“Chief?” Jim rasped, his throat dry and cotton mouthy.
Blair moved to the side of the bed and placed a few ice chips on Jim’s tongue.
Jim closed his eyes and savored the cold water drizzling down his throat.
“Check your dials.” The guide voice commanded and Jim automatically did as directed.
“Okay, they’re good.” With the dials in place again, Jim was surprised at how tired he was feeling already. “I just woke up, why do I feel like I need to sleep again?”
“Your body’s just trying to get it while it can. It knows there are some heavy stakeouts coming up. Goes with the meds, don’t fight it, you need it.” Blair was still using the soothing guide voice.
“Okay,” Jim closed his eyes.
Blair looked down at his best friend. He looked down at his partner. Blair sighed, he was also the one he had given his heart to. And he knew it was time.
“Good bye, Jim.” He patted Jim’s arm before he left.
He checked on Simon and Megan, discovering that both were recovering nicely. Then he headed for the front admitting desk.
“Hello, Karen,” he greeted her.
“Hi, Mr. Sandburg. How’s Detective Ellison?” Karen knew that Blair Sandburg would know the most current condition of his partner.
“Doing good. He’ll be grumpy soon.” He moved closer to the computer, “Karen, you’ve got a list of all his allergies and what meds he’s sensitive to? It’s red-flagged to his name so no foul ups, right?”
“Yes, Mr. Sandburg, we set it up like that.” Karen answered.
“So, if I’m not present, the doctors will still be notified about them?” Blair pursued.
Surprised, Karen answered spontaneously, “You not here, Mr. Sandburg, that’s hard to imagine.”
“Yeah, isn’t it.” Blair agreed, an odd cadence to his voice. Then back to his regular voice, “Thanks, Karen, you’ve been a peach,” and with a wave he exited the building.
-------
Jim tracked his guide’s leave taking knowing that he would get the latest on Simon and Connor. He followed him to the front desk. Jim knew there was something wrong with the voice, but he was too tired to put it together. He fell asleep.
------
Three days later, Jim Ellison was more than ready to leave Cascade General and the hospital staff was looking forward to it. Without his buffer he was more of a pain than usual.
Taggert had Ellison pick-up duty and he wasn’t looking forward to it. Jim would be asking the same question he’d been asking for the last three days, “Where’s Blair?”
Jim received the same answer each time, “Don’t know, said he had some business to take care of.”
Taggert found his charge in their captain’s room. This time Simon got the question in first, “Where’s Sandburg?”
Joel wished he had a tape recorder, “Don’t know, the message said he had some business to take care of.”
“He’s not answering his cell,” Jim said moodily.
“Is his mother still in town?” Simon inquired.
Joel answered, “No, I had Brown check. She checked out about two hours after the press conference.”
Simon, still in the dark, “What press conference?”
Before either man could answer, the Aussie stormed in, “The damn press conference where Sandy fell on his sword.”
Jim looked down at his feet, Joel looked uncomfortable, Simon was still puzzled.
Jim supplied the sought after answer, “Blair retracted the sentinel story. Called it a fraud.”
Conner was still pissed. “Called himself a fraud. So any of you know what happened then?” She was on the warpath for the scalps of stupid men. “The university expelled him. The publishing company wants to sue him and the press is having a field day at his expense. The Iceman’s death didn’t take up enough room on the front page.”
A collective, “Shit,” met her words.
---
Jim went home to an empty but organized loft. Blair’s room was empty and cleaned. The masks were gone. Anything they bought jointly was there, just Blair’s stuff was gone.
There were notes on the table. A list of the specialized hygienic items that Jim used and their locations. A list of trouble-shooting ideas for problem senses if they wigged and a note. The note was an apology and absolution for Jim. Blair said he understood Jim’s reactions. “I know you want to go back to the way it was before I got here. Just remember the dials. I am sorry. Blair.”
Jim was at a loss; his guide was gone.
----
The week before Thanksgiving, Simon was cleared for duty. Connor had been back for two weeks nagging Jim to find Sandy. Major Crime, itself, wasn’t busy so they were sent the overflow cases from Homicide.
Ellison was working the day shift and the swing shift, he didn’t really want to spend that much awake time at the loft. He wasn’t dealing with the issues, just avoiding them. He worked, slept restlessly and then upon waking would work out in the gym before shift.
Simon had Daryl for the holiday and invited the crew for dinner. Jim declined, he was working. Joel was off and considered going, but he missed the camaraderie of the past couple of years. He missed Blair.
No one was talking about him around Jim and that made it worse. They had all made inquires and none of his friends knew his whereabouts. Naomi knew nothing. They knew nothing.
Joel felt he needed to do something that would make him feel close to his absent friend. Last holiday season he and the others had helped Blair at one of the homeless kitchens and he sought that one out today.
The shelter was filled to capacity with a line outside. He heard a few grumbling as he passed others and told them all he wasn’t there for food. He recognized the big Samoan chef and director.
“I would like to offer my assistance. I came in last year with Blair Sandburg.” Joel said.
The Samoan nodded, he remembered, “Grab an apron and head to the kitchen.”
Joel nodded and picked up a big apron off the peg. He had just finished tying it as he pushed through the doors. His startled gasp caused all the help to stop and turn around. “Blair?”
Blair smiled, “Hey, Joel,” he looked around for the others.
Noting this Joel explained. “It’s just me. We did this last year and I needed to do it again. Missed you, Blair.”
As the others in the kitchen went back to work, Blair stepped closer to the dark man. “It’s good to see you, too, Joel. Let’s get you busy.”
Taggert found himself ladling soup along side a quiet Blair. Joel missed the bouncy, enthusiastic observer but took what he could get from his friend. Blair’s anecdotes and stories had seen the ex-bomb squad captain through some difficult times and he wished to return the favor in any way he could. The small genuine smile at the end of the evening was reward enough for the long hours of kitchen work.
After the last dish was dried and put away, Joel waited quietly on the back steps for Blair to join him.
“We all miss you.”
“Thanks, Joel.” Blair didn’t believe him, but appreciated the gesture.
“Really, Blair. We know you did what you did for Jim. Simon explained some stuff, he didn’t want our group to think bad of you.” Joel shared, trying to break the ice.
“Jim okay with that?” Always his first concern.
“Yeah, he misses you. He’s moping,” Joel added.
“Joel, you heard him. This is what he wanted.” Blair paused, they asked quietly, “You gonna tell everyone?”
“You don’t want me to?” Joel already figured he didn’t.
“No, not really. It’s best this way. I’m only here through the holidays, then I’m heading out.” Blair’s eyes begged the bigger man to keep his secret.
Joel nodded, unhappily.
-------
Two days later found Simon Banks making his way into the bowels of the shelter.
Soonie observed the man and knew he was a cop. Must be for Blair, maybe he’d look happier after this fella leaves, he sure wasn’t after the last one. “May I help you?” He asked aloud.
“Yes, I’m looking for Blair Sandburg.”
“Out back in the garden,” the Samoan told him and pointed the way.
Simon walked through the kitchen and outside into a tiny herb garden. Blair was on the ground pulling weeds. He sighed his relief to finally be seeing the observer again. For a while, he didn’t think he would.
“Hello, Simon,” Blair said without looking up, surprising the big man. “Joel couldn’t resist?”
“Joel was looking too happy and I wormed it out of him. Jim doesn’t know.” Simon told the quiet man.
Blair waved him over to the only chair and squinted up at him, “What do you want?”
“We need you back where you belong,” The captain told him.
“I don’t belong anywhere.” Blair tried to hide the anger he felt at the loss of all his worlds.
“You belong with us, with Jim.” Simon told the younger man.
“Jim doesn’t want me or need me. You heard him. Every time a personal crisis happened that he could blame on his senses, he did. He would curse them and me, as I was a part of it. Even after four years he wishes for pre-Sandburg.”
“After he calmed down, he took it back, Blair.” Simon needed to reach the Kid.
“Yeah, Simon, but it happens every time and I’m expected to forgive every time. I understand, but I can’t go back to that.”
Simon Banks heard something in the Anthropologist’s voice. This was serious. He moved over and sat on the ground near Blair. “What do you mean, Blair?”
Blair fiddled with the weed dangling between his thumb and index finger. “I have to do all the bending, forgiving, understanding.” Somber eyes looked directly into the dark man’s, “Simon, I gave up all that I worked for since I was twelve years old. I did it because it was the right thing to do, the best for Jim. It was my mistake, but I really gave up a lot. Simon, he didn’t even say thanks.”
Simon tried to come up with something to say. He watched the tape, he saw what the gesture had cost him, he saw what it meant. How had Ellison missed it? Before he could voice anything, Blair held up his hand, stopping him.
“No, don’t say anything, I know. That’s Jim.” The pause was slight, but the tone changed, it was hurt and lost, “But Simon, this was big.”
Blair looked away and stood, wiping the dirt off his rear. He took two steadying breaths and continued softly, “At some point, I have to count, be important, matter.”
“You’re his guide.”
“Simon, I have to matter, not the guide, me, Blair Sandburg. Jim knows the guide. He doesn’t know Blair. I need that now. I wanted to be loved but that was too much to ask, so I wanted to be needed. Needed for me, not that I’m a guide, a tool. But see, that’s all I am.”
Simon didn’t have anything to say in response.
---------
Simon found himself at the soup kitchen serving food and talking with Blair. He found that he wanted to know the man, not just the guide.
He sought information that had not been shared before. He learned of his travels through the expeditions he worked. Hearing about the various indigenous peoples that Blair interacted with, he realized that the anthropologist observations of the various cultures had been applied to all the different situations Blair had encountered with Major Crimes through the years.
The Kid hadn’t just been talking or repeating book learning but the knowledge gained through actual experience. Simon was ashamed. In his own fashion, he had never tried to understand the complicated man that had earned his place among their ranks.
An idea formed, Blair had earned a place a real place, he would find out how to make it happen.
---------
Jim sat and worked on his paperwork alone. He didn’t look up when anyone entered, he didn’t make eye contact, he didn’t want to talk with anyone.
It was like everyone blamed him for Sandburg being gone. They were wrong, he wanted his guide here, he just couldn’t find him. He took a sip of the now cold coffee and started over on the latest report.
The Captain stuck his head out the office and ordered, “Ellison.”
Jim stood slowly and walked a straight line into Banks office. “Yes, Captain?”
Simon handed him a pile of clipped papers. Jim looked down at his reports from last week. “What’s wrong?”
“Jim, take a look at them,” the captain requested.
“You’re just used to Sandburg’s style.” Jim turned his head, he caught a whiff of something familiar.
“I thought you didn’t need Blair?” the captain asked.
“You know I want him back. He knows it, too.” Jim replied.
“Oh, have you spoken with him?” Simon was surprised.
“I did at the hospital, before we got Zeller.” Jim got another hit of that familiar smell.
“Then why isn’t he here?” Simon asked a leading question.
“Because he’s mad about the paper.” Jim wasn’t sure he believed that anymore, he just didn’t know what else it was.
Exasperated, “Do you really think that any of this has been about his paper? He stopped caring about the paper when he really started caring about you. You never saw it?” Simon watched Jim, wondering, not for the first time, how such a good detective could be so completely clueless about his own life.
Jim smelled Blair on Simon. He knew it was Blair, but how? His senses had been offline for a month, but he picked up Blair’s signature scent on Simon. He focused on his friend, his expression indicated that he wasn’t really looking at Simon.
“Jim, I need to ask, why do you want Sandburg to return?”
“Simon? My senses have been gone this whole time. I need him to help me.”
“You need him to help you with the sentinel thing? After all the hoopla two months ago?” Simon wanted Jim to figure it out.
Jim looked over his Captain’s shoulder, “You can’t deny that they have helped in many circumstances.”
“I don’t deny that, you have though, just two months ago.” Simon pressed the point.
“Well, I know better now. Without the threat of the dissertation, I can use them to the best of my ability, but only if Blair is there to guide me.”
“I understand, Jim,” Simon sighed, disappointment for Sandburg flooding his system.
“So, Simon……please, where is Blair?” Jim pleaded.
“I’m sorry, Jim, he’s asked me to keep it unknown.”
Angry, Jim stood, “From ME? Damn, so he is pissed at me. I didn’t ask him to hold that stupid press conference.” Jim’s anger changed to sorrow, “Simon, I need a chance to talk to him.”
Simon saw the agony and confusion in the man standing before him and wanted to help, but he also understood how Blair was feeling. He needed to keep faith with Blair, even if it hurt Jim.
“Jim, you need to take some time and think about why you really want Blair to return.”
“Simon, what are you saying?”
“Jim, think about this. Really think it over.”
The phone rang, relieving Banks from answering any more questions.
Jim didn’t really want to leave the office, he could still smell the essence of Blair and he wanted to soak up as much of it as he could. A call from the bullpen forced Jim away from the comforting scent.
---------------
With the Christmas season getting closer, new cases came in daily. Taggert and Connor along with Brown and Rafe worked the majority. Ellison was pensive and surly, Simon elected to keep him close to home. As he had most days this last week, Ellison had been too distracted.
Simon had no choice though, when the next call came in he and Ellison had to roll. Banks noted a subdued detective at the crime scene.
At the end of the working day, in a virtually empty bullpen, Simon opened the topic of Sandburg.
“He’s getting ready to leave the area.”
Jim didn’t pretend to not understand whom his friend was referring to. “Please, Simon, I need to talk to him.”
“Why?”
“We need to set things straight.”
“What’s done is done.”
“No, Simon, it can be different.”
“Okay, I’ll talk to him again.”
Jim nodded and closed his eyes. He shut his computer down and left the floor. He waited downstairs, out of sight. He watched his captain leave and followed him. He stayed far enough away so Simon wouldn’t detect him. He was right, his friend wasn’t heading home.
They traveled close to the waterfront and turned into the warehouse district. The area was where a high concentration of the homeless could be found. Damn, was Blair on the streets? The Kid had so little money, why had Simon left him there. He almost sped up to catch Simon in order to question him, but knew he’d lose any chance to find Blair easily if he did.
-----------
Simon nodded to Soonie as he entered. The big man always seemed to be around when he entered, silent, but there. He found Sandburg cleaning up the dinning hall. “Hey, Blair.”
“What’s up, Simon?” Blair stopped his mopping and turned to face the police captain.
“Blair, Jim really wants to talk with you before you leave,” Simon explained to Blair, wondering if Jim was listening in.
Blair sighed, his sadness evident in the blue eyes. “Did you ask him?”
“Yeah, he’s mostly confused. He thought you were angry with him about the dissertation.”
Blair sunk into himself, “He doesn’t get it, Simon.” Blair thought deeply, he knew it wouldn’t take much. He was only half alive without Jim, the man had been his whole life. Though, in a moment of great honesty with himself, he knew he needed more to make it over the long haul, if only… “No, Simon, I can’t see him, it’d be too hard for me to leave then…I was so hoping…”
“What?”
“That he’d know, but it was just wishful thinking. Jim needs me for the sentinel thing not a Jim thing. He can continue as one if he chooses. If I stay, I force his choice. He’s then forced to keep his accoutrement. That’s what I’ve become, an accessory that he’s stuck with.” With stricken eyes, he looked over Simon’s shoulder, “Now, without threat of exposure and without the constant reminder, Jim can resume his life. I’m not necessary.”
“Simon, the one thing I have finally learned about myself is that I need to be number one in somebody’s life. I have never been and now I know I need to be.”
“Blair, you are with your mother.” Simon told him gently.
Sadly, Blair shook his head, “Simon, she loves me, but I’ve never been number one with her. That’s part of who she is.”
Carefully, “I think you are with Jim. He just doesn’t know….”
Sighing, “Yeah, Simon, maybe, I did think so for a while, before…before…I can’t spend my life waiting in case he ever figures it out. It’d kill me. I don’t think we get that many chances. I gave everything of myself and..and it didn’t matter. I have to put me first this time. I’m dying inside and of no use to anyone this way.”
Simon hugged Blair in a very unSimon-like gesture.
Blair hugged back, “Thanks for being the friend you have been.”
As Simon made his way out of the shelter, the man prayed that the Sentinel had listened in.
--------
With Sentinel hearing, he found the anchoring heartbeat. Senses offline for two months, reactivated as soon as they were in the vicinity of the heartbeat of the guide. The words came in loud and clear. Jim lowered his head on the steering wheel.
‘Damn,’ Jim thought to himself, ‘Blair thinks I don’t care about him. Just the guide. Oh, not true. Damn, not true.’
Jim got out of the truck, all set to burst inside the shelter, when he checked himself, thinking, ‘How do I convince him? Words were Blair’s tool.’
Jim leaned back against the hood, thoughts scrambled. A calm voice from the back of his mind asserted itself, sounding very much like Sandburg. ‘Take a deep breath and put words to what you are feeling.’
Fear, he felt fear and for once not because Blair would leave him, but that he’d do something to make Blair leave.
A mocking voice reminded him, ‘You already have.’
It was his worst fear come true.
The fearful man pushed himself away from his vehicle and slowly approached the shelter. He took a deep breath and opened the door. He dialed up his awakened senses and searched for Blair. He found him just beyond the double doors to the kitchen area. He headed for them but was intercepted by a large Asian man.
“You lost?” the man asked, arm folded across his chest.
“Have been ‘til just a few minutes ago,” Jim answered Blairlike.
Soonie tilted his head in confusion, the man didn’t fit here.
“Sandburg, Blair Sandburg. I need to talk to him.” Jim half told, half pleaded with the man.
Soonie figured this was Ellison, given the descriptions he’d put together from Blair’s ramblings. He looked the agitated man over, sizing him up and non-verbally letting him know he’d better not hurt Blair.
Jim read the body language and gave a nod of acknowledgement.
The Samoan hitched his thumb to the right, indicating the dinning hall.
Jim opened the door slowly.
Blair turned, expecting Simon and stopped short at seeing his Sentinel before him. His heart raced at the unexpected pleasure that suffused his body. He caught himself just before he dashed across the room and threw himself into those muscular arms.
Instead he asked, “What are you doing here?”
“I want to get my life back,” the frightened man said softly.
“You wanted pre-Sandburg. You didn’t want the senses,” the hurt hidden in the voice.
“I was wrong. The senses made my life better, they brought me you. I don’t need them, but I do need you. I am a better cop with them, they are a part of who I am now. Denying them will be denying how much better my life has been because of them.” Jim looked up at his guide with a candid expression.
Blair sucked in his breath at how open Jim’s entire demeanor was.
Jim continued, “Because of them, I got you. Because of you, I learned how to let others back into my life. Because of you I learned how to love.”
Jim walked over and stood right in front of Blair, “Though my actions have been selfish, there hasn’t been a day gone by that I haven’t thought of your safety first. The knowledge that your help has repeatedly put your life in danger has left me knowing that I am a pitiful protector. You’re worth giving up my life for. I am unworthy of you, but that doesn’t stop me from being selfish in wanting to keep you in my life. ‘Cause Blair, I won’t have a life without you. I realize that now, anyway, before was just denial and fear. The fear that I will untimely let you down again.”
Jim took a deep breath, hoping Blair was really listening. “I would like to be able to spend the rest of my life showing you how important you are. Not the guide, not the partner, but the man, Blair Sandburg. I want to show you how important you are to me. If I need to give up being a cop, I will. If you want me to go public, I will. I trust you to do what’s best.”
“Why now? You didn’t before.” Blair wanted to throw himself into Jim’s arms, but forced himself to stay completely still, until he had the answers.
“I did in my heart, just not in my head. Look at me, Blair, I’m a grouchy, bad tempered guy that can’t face most of his emotions. I grump at those closest and treat them like shit. I expected you to leave, everyone has. Only thing, Chief, you never did stuff like other people. I let you get in too far, then I totally freaked. Backed off on feeling, and that almost cost you your life.” Emotion gripped Jim’s throat and he had to swallow a few times before he could continue. He knew he was fighting for his life.
Blair blinked several times, his only body movement as he listened with his heart and head.
“You didn’t die and that should have been my second chance, but I chickened out. Then you sacrificed yourself and I still didn’t get it, my head refused all conversations with my heart. My head only just listened and my heart knows what it always did, you are my life.” Jim moved closer to the still man, “Without you I could still go to work, go to bed, watch time pass, but it would cease to be a life. I only have that if you’re there. You made me like who I am, I want to be a better person when I’m with you, for you. Please, let me spend the rest of my days showing you that there is no one more important than you.” The pleading was open and plain to read.
Blair let his eyes travel over the man before him. He studied the blue eyes, open with no barriers, allowing him entrance to the essence of Jim. He could see the ravages of the emotional battle that he’d had with himself, waged and won, the truth was left and it was enough for Blair to heal by.
Jim watched the turbulent eyes change to wonder, then humor, he let the bands constricting his heart ease a bit.
“Folks at Major Crime ready to throw you out?” Blair used a known to start the dialog.
Jim looked askance as he nodded. Blair stepped closer.
“You didn’t get on Rhonda’s bad side, did you?” Blair stepped closer still.
Jim’s breath hitched a bit but he held his ground as Blair stood inches from him.
Sheepishly, “Yeah, I did.”
Blair allowed himself a chuckle, one never got on her bad side, it’d take weeks to find the missing reports.
The displaced air of his guide’s chuckle brushed the Sentinel’s face, the touch and scent went straight to his groin, Jim backed up, embarrassed.
Blair, a non-sentinel, couldn’t miss the heat from Jim’s body and he didn’t miss the full tenting of Jim’s slacks. Blair knew at that moment that all in his life would be better than before. He knew it was time to stay. Probably forever.
Jim looked down, “Sorry, didn’t mean to ….”
“Shush, Jim,” Blair smiled and took Jim’s hand and placed it over his own erection. Jim’s eyes opened in wonder and joy. Blair pulled him close and Jim held on for dear life.
“I love you, Blair. I really do.”
Blair stroked up and down Jim’s back, “I love you, too, Jim. I love you, too.”
Soonie smiled as he watched their lips meet, he nodded and headed back to the kitchen.
fini