Archive of Our Own ^beta

Author's webpage: http://www.squidge.org/~theforest/aaboe/aaboe.html

Author's disclaimer: *sigh* Let's just skip this part, shall we?

As always, my betas keep me from posting messy stuff. Can't have that on this list, can we? ;)

Ok... on to the WARNINGS!!!

This part doesn't deal explicitly with bdsm and rape but rather the aftermath of it, and the healing process needed after such an ordeal.

It doesn't matter whether some ppl found this to NOT be rape or that they thought it was consensual. In my opinion it was rape and non-con since Jim never gave his consent but rather had the choice taken away from him.

This part is though not dark, more a sign of light at the end of the tunnel. I was told that some parts of this was more resembling Aaboe than the big, bad Panther, but I don't care... loving sex is ALSO a part of a bdsm relationship.

Trust me, I know what I'm doing ;)

Oh, feedback appreciated, and I can handle flames... asbestos underwear, you know. :)

Rose, Part 2
By Panther

He was back at the bar, being held down while someone fucked his ass. His mind was screaming, but he couldn't utter a sound. He tried to get free, but someone was lying heavily over his back, holding his hands firmly at his side.

He was helpless, able to do nothing but receive.

He thought he heard her... Rose... encouraging whoever it was behind him... telling the guy to do it harder, faster, make him bleed.

He tried to yell at her, that he already was bleeding, she'd already seen to that, didn't she remember?

Not a sound came out.

He tried to turn to look at her, even knowing how futile begging was with her. She enjoyed hearing him begging for mercy, and gave him none.

"Jim, come on... pull out of it..."

Jim? She'd never called him by name... probably didn't bother enough to find out what it was...

"Come on, man, wake up, you're going to hurt yourself like this. Snap out of it."

It wasn't her calling his name... it was... it was Blair. But Blair couldn't be in this place; he'd never go to a place like this!

Somehow able to turn his head, he looked back over his shoulder. It wasn't some stranger fucking him; it was his Blair!

Panic flooded his brain as betrayal seared through him. No. It couldn't be. His gentle Blair, raping him, on her command.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Jim sat up straight, hitting blindly around him, fighting to get loose, to get free.

"Get off me, get off me, get off me!"

Heart pounding, he didn't notice until after a while that he wasn't restrained anymore. No hands were holding him down. In fact, no one was touching him.

He looked around suspiciously. Hospital bed. Four greyish-white walls without any decorations on them. A bedside table.

Blair.

Oh God, Blair.

Feeling foolish and very self-conscious, Jim looked his partner over from the feet up. Slowly. No need to rush up to the face, was there? Blair's hands were restless, picking at the sheets crumpled up where Jim's feet used to be.

The face.

A faint bruise showing on his partner's cheekbone. Sad eyes. Teeth worrying a lower lip mindlessly.

"Blair?"

"I'm ok, Jim. Nightmare, huh?"

He nodded jerkily.

"Her? Or... me?"

"you," he whispered. "How... how did you know?"

Blair fidgeted a bit, but didn't come closer. He kept standing at the foot end of the bed, while Jim kneeled up near the head. His hands gripped the headrest so hard, that his knuckles were white.

Consciously, he forced his hands to let go. Then he sighed and scooted down very carefully. His aches were checking in again, big time. Swallowing a pained moan, he finally managed to lie down on his side again.

"You can come closer now, Chief. I won't... I won't hurt you."

'Again,' his mind supplied.

Immense relief radiating from his entire being, Blair smiled and walked up to stand at Jim's waist. Stretching out a hand, he hesitated just before touching. Jim smiled and closed the distance between their hands.

"I figured you'd have nightmares. If not this night, then the next. It's normal. You experienced some major trauma, and the mind doesn't forget that. The fact that it was I doing it in your dream? Normal, man. We've opened up to each other now, and your mind can only handle so much before overloading."

His hand got a gentle squeeze. His partner took a couple of breaths, visibly calming himself down.

"Do you want me, Jim? Sexually?"

He started to nod, then became aware of the state of his body. Looking anxiously at Blair, he remained silent.

"I don't mean right now, Jim. I'm talking future and past, anything but this moment in time. Later, you know?"

Smiling, he relaxed.

"Yes, Chief. I want you. Any way I can have you. Even..."

He stopped. There was a limit to what he voluntarily talked about.

"Even what, Jim? The kind of way you were looking for with her?"

The gentle voice was destroying him. All his wishes and needs were bared now. He had nothing left.

"Do you need a Master, Jim? A Master who knows you so well that you don't have to be afraid of going too far? A Master who knows about your special needs? Is that what you were looking for, when you were out looking for substitutes?"

He didn't dare nod. Instead, he tried to plead for mercy with his eyes, hoping the message would get through.

"Answer me, Jim. Don't be afraid. Don't you know that I could never hurt you?"

The peculiar emphasis made Jim attempt to go beyond his own fears, and this time he really looked at his roommate.

Love, concern, hope, fear... all were swirling in the deep blue depths before him.

"Yes."

A fleeting smile, which was instantly mirrored on his own face.

"Yes to what, Jim? Yes, you know I won't hurt you, or yes, you need a Master?"

"Both."

He blushed. He couldn't recall when last that had happened, but his mind supplied something vague about the time some years back, where he'd come in his jeans in a public place.

Blair came even closer, smiling broadly.

"I was hoping you'd say that. Now, go back to sleep, my love. I'll watch over you, guard you. No one can hurt you anymore. I'm here."

His head was being stroked again while a few soft kisses were scattered over his shoulder and cheek.

"I've got you now, Jim, and I'm not letting you go. I want to be everything for you... everything... Your lover, your Guide, your Master, your partner, everything. We'll talk more later, I promise, but for now... sleep and heal... let sleep cradle you and take away the pain in your mind and your body."

The soothing words continued for a long time, until he finally nodded off to sleep again.

This time he didn't dream.

The next day he was allowed to go home, with some stern warnings from the doctor about taking it easy. He couldn't eat anything spicy for a long while, which didn't bother him. What did bother him was that he also wasn't allowed solid food for the first week.

Sex wasn't mentioned, but he understood perfectly well that it was a big no-no. Not that he really felt like it anyway.

He complained all the way home to the Loft about the food restrictions, probably getting on Sandburg's nerves. He didn't care. Food was a safe topic.

Not until they were in the living room did his partner seem to take notice of his grumbling.

"Jim, food is no problem. It's never been a problem before, why is it a problem now? What are you nervous about?"

Cut off mid-rant, Jim looked at his roommate with his mouth open.

"Why do you think I'm nervous?"

Blair came over to him and placed a hand on his bicep.

"I know you, Jim Ellison. Relax; you have nothing to fear from me. If you feel like talking about what happened, we'll talk. I won't bring it up unless I feel there's a need to. And never publicly or when there's more than just us."

Unable to keep up the gruff appearance in the face of such concern, Jim deflated. He slumped and started to sit down on the couch before reconsidering that move.

"Come on, Jim. Let's get you horizontal. The question is, do you want to stay downstairs, either on the couch or on my futon, or do you want to try and go upstairs? Upstairs might be a very bad idea for you, too much strain."

Continuing to talk, arguments pro and against, his roommate finally got him placed on the couch. He was given a couple of pillows and the remote control, and then told to rest for a few hours while some things were taken care of.

Puzzled, Jim didn't turn on the television, but instead tracked Blair's movements. First, he went into his room, where he shuffled with papers, mumbling all the time. Then back out to look at Jim, then up the stairs, then at the couch, back at Jim, turned to look in to his room, all the while looking very speculative.

The way he was standing there, picking absently at his lower lip, made him all the more irresistible. Jim felt his heart clench at the sight.

Finally, Blair nodded as if he'd reached some kind of conclusion and went to pick up the phone. One quick call later, involving somebody coming over, Blair stood besides him again.

"Jim. You can't sleep here tonight, and there's just no way you're going to be upstairs until you feel better. I don't know if you listened in, man, but Simon is coming over to help me move my bed out here. You'll sleep better on that."

He panicked.

"Simon?"

"Take it easy, man. You don't need to tell him all. You need to tell him something, though. I know you're not going to press charges, but you need to give some kind of explanation as to why you spent last night at the hospital and why you can't get back to work yet."

"But..."

"No discussion, Jim. Whatever you want to tell him is fine with me, but you need to talk to him."

Wondering briefly who put his roommate in charge, Jim subsided. Blair always had been in charge, but right now it was openly instead of with the usual subtlety.

"Yes, mother," he couldn't resist saying anyway.

Flashing a big smile, Blair acknowledged the jibe with a quick nod.

For the next while they didn't talk, but instead they held hands and just rested. Jim felt safe and protected, something he didn't feel often.

What could he tell Simon? That he'd been hurt, yes. But how? Fallen down the stairs somewhere? Gotten into a fight at a bar? God, what if Simon had called the hospital? Or worse, they'd called him, with details of what had happened? Just look what they'd told Blair!

Tensing up, he wasn't aware that Blair increased the pressure on his hand until it was almost painful.

"Shhh... take it easy, love. You'll figure it out."

He turned his head to look at Blair.

"Your worry line deepened. I figure it was Simon on your mind."

Nodding, Jim kept silent.

Blair leaned in and gave him a light kiss. The pressure on his hand was released, now that he no longer was deep in himself, but aware of the present and of Blair.

Blair... how could he even start to digest the events over the past day? His Blair loved him, wanted him. And even the rape hadn't put him off. To think that his somehow innocent partner knew about kink, and wanted to be Jim's Master! Wait... the hospital had told Blair about the rape because... of the medical contact clause. That didn't include Simon. Only Blair.

Jim took a deep breath, certain now that his Captain did not know why he had been admitted into the hospital.

More relaxed now, he mused a bit more on the topic of one Blair Sandburg. What kind of experience did he have as a Top? What did he like? Were they compatible in that area? He thought of the questions he needed to ask about that and had just opened his mouth to voice one of them, when a distinct scent made him snap his mouth shut again.

"Jim?"

"Simon's here."

Blair gave his hand one last gentle squeeze, then rose to get the door.

Simon looked pleased that he'd actually gotten the chance to knock on the door for once and entered easily enough. He stopped when he saw Jim lying on the couch.

"Jim? What happened?"

Jim opened his mouth, still not sure which of the explanations roaming his mind would come out.

"I tried to interfere with some brawlers at a bar. I managed to break them up, but fell down the stairs in the process. Must have forgotten which part of me is hardest, because I landed on my ass."

He shrugged seemingly carelessly, but inwardly he monitored his boss closely for signs of suspicion.

None were present. Heart rate stayed stable and so did Simon's breathing. He'd bought it, hook, line and sinker.

Sighing silently with relief, Jim tried to get more comfortable, while Simon chuckled over his not-so-hard-assed Detective.

"Trust you to do things your way, Jim. So, Blair, what was it you needed my help for?"

It didn't take long to get Simon in on the plan and even less to clear a space to put the bed. The last part of it all, actually getting the bed moved, took the longest. Blair was breathing hard already before they'd cleared his room, and Simon was starting to wheeze like a steam train by the time they were able to put it down.

"Jesus, Sandburg, are you sure you haven't forgotten half a library in that bed?"

Blair chuckled and saluted the big man.

"Not a single book left in that bed, Simon. I checked it myself. Hey, do you really think I'd let Jim widen his horizon by actually reading a text book from Anthropology 101?"

"Hey!"

They laughed, while Jim tried hard to glare them into submission. Soon, he had to give up, as he started to laugh himself.

It felt good to laugh, even if it was at his expense, but it couldn't last long. His muscles soon protested the workout by cramping up.

"Shit," he muttered, before trying to ease the pain by cradling his abdomen.

His discomfort sobered the others. Mot long after this, he got an awkward shoulder clap from Simon, while Blair hovered nearby.

"You take care, Jim, and please try to look where you're going next time. I'll see you in a week, when you're feeling better."

Simon walked towards the door, but paused at the doorstep.

"Sandburg? Take care of him."

Without waiting for an answer, Simon left.

Jim sighed happily when a gentle rubbing motion stilled the last cramps in his abused muscles. Blair seated himself gingerly on the edge of the couch, keeping up the soothing movements until Jim was all but melted.

"Can we talk, Jim?"

He nodded.

"Yes, but can I get into your bed first?"

Blair's eyes darkened.

"I don't mean that way, I just... I'd like to get a bit more comfortable, and my pants..."

Hand stilling immediately, Blair went into Guide-mode.

"Are they chafing you? Where are your dials?"

In an effort to pull Blair out of it, Jim tried to get up. Bad idea. Feeling his face leech of all blood, he sank back down to his side.

"Dials are normal, but... I need to... the couch isn't really good for me."

He was helped up to a more or less upright position and then professionally stripped down to his boxers. Not feeling self-conscious at all, he let himself be led to the bed and assisted to lie down on his side again.

Smiling gratefully, he pulled Blair down to sit beside him.

"Feels much better. Now we can talk, if you want."

Amazed, he saw his roommate switch mental gears effortlessly; going from concerned mother hen to... to what? He wasn't sure he'd seen that particular expression before. A bit hesitant, something that almost seemed shy, plus a bit embarrassed.

"Blair? What is it?"

Curls hiding his face almost completely, Blair plucked at the coverlet.

"I'd like to talk with you about what you want, but if you think it's too soon, we can wait until later. I mean, we went from being roommates yesterday, each of us with a non-declared longing for the other, to being together, except we're not, at least not yet, and wanting to be more than just ordinary lovers... except that there's nothing even remotely ordinary about you! Man, you're so gorgeous, and I'm not, and you want me, which I don't understand at all, and..."

"Sandburg."

"Yeah?"

"Breathe."

A small chuckle emerged from behind the curls.

"And look at me. Don't hide. You're beautiful."

Did he just say that? Blair looked at him with a wondrous smile, so apparently he did.

"You think I'm beautiful?"

"I'm sorry, Chief. It's not a thing to say to a guy and believe me, I've noticed you're a guy. I didn't mean to say it like that, you deserve better than me telling you stuff like that, when I can't even let you..."

His courage left him again.

Blair grabbed his shoulder.

"Did you mean it?"

He nodded. It seemed like his roommate hadn't noticed his little slip, so he was more than happy to admit to the other part. The smile on Blair's face was more than enough reward for the truth about how he felt about the way the younger man looked. His hopes for an easy get-away, though, were shattered with the next words.

"Can't even let me... let me do what, Jim? Let me top you? Or do you mean Top you?"

His body gave him away. His eyes strayed down to his groin area, as if he could see the damage done from the front.

"Shit, Jim. That's not important. It's just one act out of a lot. All I'd ever hoped for with you, when I thought realistically about it, was for you to let me tell you that I love you. Everything else is just icing on the cake."

Blair grabbed Jim's face between his hands and looked him straight in the eyes.

"If you want me to give you pain and pleasure, I can do that. I don't even need to touch your ass for that. There are so many other places. When you've healed enough on the outside, we can try. If you want it at some stage, I'll take you. Until then, there are a million other things to do, most important of which is to hold you and tell you this one thing: I love you."

Unable to hide from that look, Jim lowered all barriers. He let his lover, because now he could call him that even in his mind, see all his fears and insecurities... but also the longing and the need.

"Oh Jim... I know. You've shown me your love so many times over the years, I just didn't know if you loved me that way too. We'll figure everything out. We will, I promise."

Getting even closer, Blair kissed him softly. Nothing heavy, just a gentle meeting of two pairs of lips, of two hearts.

Slipping seamlessly from the kiss into sleep, he took the feeling of oneness with him into his dreams.

The following week was both Heaven and Hell. Heaven, because he had Blair almost constantly around him, willing to talk if that's what he wanted, but also just as willing to just hold him close if that's what he needed. Always willing to help Jim in any way. It didn't matter if it was with applying the antibacterial ointment or getting him something to drink or even, the most embarrassing task of all, helping him go to the bathroom.

He was just torn enough, that, when he started having slightly more solid food, he needed a bit of help getting it out again. He knew perfectly well, that since they'd admitted their love for each other, there was no reason to be shy over a natural body function. Especially since Blair was obviously more than willing to become his Master and therefore had the right to demand he'd cleanse himself. There was no reason to blush like a virgin every single time.

That knowledge didn't prevent him from doing it.

Hell was both because of that and because the constant proximity to his future Master gave his dick ideas the rest of him couldn't follow through on. He found that the thought of sex made him squeamish. He'd even mentioned it to Blair one day when he'd been excessively snappish and anxious to mark off his personal space.

His partner had surprised him by not being hurt, but instead just gave him a big hug, effectively barging in through the barricades.

"It's perfectly alright, love. Just tell the guy downstairs to sleep, ok? I'm not trying to wake him. I've got no less than two hands, and I know how to use them. I am not making any demands of you concerning sex."

He'd only looked skeptically at Blair. The 'but' was too loud.

"I am demanding of you that you at least try to get some rest. Stop trying so goddamned hard to heal! It'll come in time."

A few seconds of silence, then Blair started snickering.

"Come in time, yeah. In more than one way, I'm sure."

Glaring at his roommate, Jim held out for a little while longer, then joined in the laugh.

He no longer felt nervous or pushed on that front.

He was back in Heaven... at least until the same evening where he had to go to the bathroom again.

Heaven and Hell. His life as a convalescent.

After that first week, he was no longer bad enough to stay at home. He was bound to ride a desk for at least a week, but he could live with that. It wasn't like he really felt like going out to chase down a perp or something.

The others in the Major Crimes department ragged him somewhat about having fallen on his ass literally. No one who saw him glare at everyone who broached the subject felt like ragging him about it. Jim was very relieved to find that the general attitude was 'shit happens'. That meant he didn't have to come up with detailed lies about his ordeal, and that none of the other detectives were going to trawl the street for the offenders.

On the home front things were also constantly improving. It had felt like a big victory, when, after that first week, he was allowed to go upstairs and sleep in his own bed again. And Blair was there beside him. They'd cuddled for a while, and then drifted off to sleep still tangled together in the middle.

A couple of times, he'd woken up by feeling a hard cock pressed up against him, sending him head first into a panic attack the first time. He'd prepared for the worst, but nothing had happened other than that. After about ten minutes, the erection had fizzled, or Blair had turned, and Jim was able to get back to sleep.

The next morning, he'd thought of saying something about it, but one look at those guileless eyes of his partner made him change his mind.

The following times, he'd just waited until the 'threat' had gone away, and then slept on.

Blair never once made a move on him, which he couldn't quite decide if it was a relief or a disappointment.

The Friday at the end of his first week back at work, he did a little experiment. He'd gotten home a bit earlier than Sandburg, mainly because his partner needed to pick up some papers at Rainier.

He went to lie on the futon, deliberately trying to think of Blair in a sexual and sensual way.

Chest hairs tickling against his own smooth skin. Long fingers caressing his back. Soft whispers of love spoken against his chest.

He felt the first stirrings of arousal since the 'incident'.

Ignoring it for now, he continued to use his imagination and memory.

A ghost of a breath over his nipple. Long hairs sweeping over him, somewhere, anywhere.

He moaned quietly and let a hand steal down to hold his erection. Not stroking, just holding.

The feeling of a hand ghosting down to caress his ass...

Breathing hard, Jim tried to hold on to the previous image. He failed. His erection disappeared, and he broke out in a cold sweat. He could no longer see his sweet Blair caressing him. All he could see was her, playing with the needles in his chest while he was being ripped apart.

He jumped out of bed and to the bathroom, just in time to lose his lunch and breakfast. Quickly, he was dry heaving, gasping for breath.

Fortunately, he soon felt a gentle hand pry his own away from the bowl, while a cool washcloth wiped his face. Blair was home.

When clean, he was led out into the living room. Blair didn't ask anything. Instead, he was being cuddled to within an inch of his life.

There was no need to talk right now.

He didn't know how long they'd sat like that, but when he finally felt the need to move, his legs creaked in protest at the movement.

He looked once at his partner and then sighed.

"What happened, Jim?"

"I... I wanted to try something out. Something... it was supposed to be a surprise. A good one. But it..."

The words stuck in his throat. Only the look of eternal patience directed his way persuaded him to keep trying.

"I wanted to see... if I could... still get a hard-on."

He turned away, blushing faintly.

A small choked off gasp emitted from beside him.

"And it backfired on you, huh? Oh Jim... how many times do I have to tell you that I'll wait until the end of time if necessary?"

Strong arms reached for him again. He leaned back gratefully. Nowhere on Earth was as safe as here with his Guide.

"But maybe I don't want to wait that long," he whispered.

The body underneath him tensed up.

"No! Not that way. That's not what I meant. I'd just like to... feel aroused, feel ready... feel... something."

Blair relaxed again.

"How did it go?"

He tried to duck his head, but one arm reached up to hold his chin, keeping him in position.

"Tell me, Jim. I'd really like to know."

"Good, at first. I thought of you, what a sensual feast you are. It felt really good. But then... I wanted to imagine..."

He couldn't go on. He wrenched his head loose from the grip on it and looked down.

"Imagine what, Jim? Oral or...?"

"Or. Definitely or."

"Flashback?"

He nodded.

They didn't speak of it anymore that evening.

Jim brought up the topic the next afternoon by finally telling of his reactions to the sleepy erections. Blair looked plagued with guilt and even offered to sleep downstairs until Jim felt safer concerning sexual matters.

"No, Chief. N-O. If it hadn't been for those nocturnal activities of yours, I wouldn't have been able to even think of trying to get hard myself. Don't sleep away from me."

His partner gave in.

When night fell and it was time to go to bed, Blair dragged his feet a bit.

"I'll just go to the bathroom, I'll be with you in a minute. You just go ahead."

Puzzled and wondering if his partner didn't want to sleep upstairs, he complied and got ready for bed.

Lying in wait, he tracked the movements detectable from the bathroom and the stairs themselves. Blair didn't sound nervous or fearful. He didn't smell reluctant either, but he knew that.

Finally, he could let sight join in. His Blair, standing there, smiling at him. He relaxed.

"I've got an idea, Jim. Let me know if it's a stupid one..."

He nodded.

"Ok. See, the thing is, I know I told you that I've got hands and know how to use them, but I haven't. Used them, that is. So, I'd like to. If you'd like. I'm just asking if I can... lie here. And perhaps... could you..."

Voice fading even below his level of hearing, Blair stopped.

"Could I what?"

"Hold me?"

Jim tried to sort through what had actually been said. Blair wanted to jack off. No problem. Here. In this bed. He squirmed a bit, torn between anxiety and a flicker of desire. Being held in his arms. Oh yeah.

He lifted the covers and smiled.

"Of course."

Blair undressed for him. He wasn't sure how he could tell the difference, but the distinction was clear in his mind. Blair was doing it to please him. It certainly also was pleasant watching more and more of naked Blair-skin appear.

The chest was just as hairy as he'd envisioned. Somehow, his sense of touch must have supplied the memory to fuel the fantasy. It was also wider than he would have thought. The nipple ring ought to have looked feminine, but it didn't. It drew his attention to the fact that it was positioned on a very male chest, and made his saliva flow slightly faster.

He realized he'd like to lick those tasty-looking nipples.

He felt a distinctive twitch in his cock as the jeans were dropped unceremoniously onto the floor, along with boxers. Rearranging the cover slightly, to hide his reaction, he waited for this sexy bundle to crawl in next to him.

Blair didn't, not immediately at least. He stood still, showing all he was to Jim, all he had.

Jim closed his mouth. He was actually drooling. Blair was compact in body, but someone had been generous at his birth. He was hung in a serious way. With an effort, he pushed away all thoughts of what that delicious piece of meat could do to him and instead raised the covers a bit more.

With a smile, his lover crawled in and reached out a hand to him. Jim took it, and for a while they just lay there, looking in each other's eyes while holding hands. Finally, Blair gently disengaged his hand and slid it towards his own chest, letting his left hand join it there. Still looking directly into Jim's eyes, Blair circled his nipples lightly.

Jim could see everything in his lover's eyes. Love, desire, a tiny bit of fear, passion. It was almost painful to look at such open emotions, so he looked at what Blair was doing.

He'd changed to tweaking his nipples, making them stand up eagerly. Every pinch caused a little breathy 'oh' to escape the full lips, making Jim wish it were him causing those sounds.

"Can't wait, Jim. Feels too good. Waited too long, I'm too hot."

The hand nearest to Jim travelled down over a furry stomach to grab a weeping cock. Blair moaned louder, gripping himself almost viciously. A shaky breath, then he started a slow up and down movement.

"So hot, Jim, touching myself while you watch. Oh God, hold me, please. Let me be in your arms when I come."

Jim scooted closer, his own cock all but forgotten until it bumped into his lover. Blair turned big eyes at him, surprise written all over his face. Jim felt his cheeks grow hot.

"Ignore him. Just take it as a compliment. You're beautiful."

Enfolding his lover in his arms was absolutely no problem. It was a pleasure. Blair smelled wonderful, and looked even better. Taking care not to restrict any movements Blair might want to make, Jim held the man of his dreams tight.

"Go for it, Chief. Let me see you cut loose. Let me watch you come."

Moaning, Blair resumed his interrupted stroking, twisting his hand just so at the head. It soon became evident that, in spite of everything, he was holding back. Jim held tighter, letting his other hand drift to the younger man's chest.

"Do it, Blair. Come for me. I can smell your need. Do it for me."

With a strangled cry, Blair arched up to kiss him. Jim could feel the strokes getting faster, harder, as his beloved took a kiss. Blair's moans were muffled in the fusion of their mouths, his body straining towards release. Finally, he tore loose with a shivery moan, bit his lip and curled up as his come shot high up to land on both their arms, high on his chest.

Whimpering, Blair sank back down to the mattress, chest heaving.

"God, I needed that."

Jim leaned down for a light kiss, feeling his own cock already starting to deflate a bit. Unimportant. What had been important was to see Blair, feel him and sense him to the deepest level, without fear.

There had been no fear. All he felt was wonder and joy.

Apparently Blair understood how he felt, because there was no offer of retribution, no offer to take care of him. All there was was love, shared in looks and small kisses, before they drifted off to sleep.

Slowly, over the next weeks, Jim got better. Physically, he was back at full strength already 3 weeks after the 'incident', but mentally it took far longer. The main problem was the fact that he still got a few flashbacks, especially when trying to think of the things that used to bring him such pleasure.

Now they almost never brought anything but fear.

But other than that, he was pretty much on a winning streak. He was increasingly bolder concerning Blair, and not once was he rejected or told to cut it out. They spent every night cuddled together and most of their waking private time with being together. It didn't matter if it was in cooking, watching television or going out for a meal, they were together.

He'd held Blair a couple of times while his lover appeased the monster between his legs. Each time was incredibly special and so precious that he didn't even care that he didn't let Blair reciprocate.

He was thinking of it, though.

It was so damn arousing to see his lover give in to desire and passion, teasing his flesh for the both of them. Each time, he felt the fear back away a bit more.

It was almost time.

Jim couldn't make up his mind whether he should be happy or sad... today marked their one-month anniversary... but that also signified the anniversary of the 'incident'.

He'd made an effort all day to not think of her, but only think of Blair. He wanted to try something tonight and that demanded his mind be free of fear and anxiety.

Dinner was almost over and done with before he'd noticed, too deep in his thoughts to be aware of anything but the mechanical action of eating. Blair let him.

As one, they moved towards the couch to cuddle, but halfway there, Jim stopped cold.

"Chief?"

Blair halted his forward momentum, only briefly glancing towards the television.

"It's a special day today, and I'd like to mark the occasion... if you don't mind."

Glancing curiously at him, Blair didn't say anything. Instead, he looked at him with an encouraging look that clearly said, 'yes, go on.'

"I'd like to... when we go to bed... that you... will you... oh damn, Chief. Will you touch me?"

It felt like the sun had suddenly risen, that was how bright Blair's smile was.

"I'd love to!"

Blair's face faltered a bit.

"If you're sure, that is. I don't want to do anything that hurts you, Jim. Never."

He hurried to reassure his partner.

"You won't, Chief. We'll just... take things slow. Besides, I trust you."

He suddenly had an armful of Blair, squeezing him so tight that he could barely breathe. For a long time, they stood there, holding each other, giving and receiving comfort and reassurance.

Finally breaking apart, he looked down to try and determine what the answer would be. Shaking his head, he laughed silently at himself. Why try to look when he could just follow his nose? The pheromones were practically oozing off his lover's skin.

"Upstairs?"

Blair nodded slowly and swayed back towards him again. They met halfway in a soft kiss, acknowledging their mutual vows and the trust behind it.

The trip upstairs was interrupted by lots of small stops spent kissing, but slowly they made their way towards the bed. Jim felt slightly apprehensive, but not the crippling fear from when he'd first tried to imagine it. He'd come such a long way in just one month, and he was now ready to prove it to both of them.

They each undressed themselves, Jim first and fastest. He lay down on the bed and watched as his lover seductively dropped layer after layer of soft material. Each inch of skin bared raised his temperature one degree until Blair was naked, and he was feeling hot enough to set the bed on fire.

As if it was his first time ever, he eyed Blair's body a bit nervously, not really knowing what he could do. Somehow his lover must have sensed that, since all he did was get down beside him and touch a cool hand to his cheek.

"Only what you want, Jim. Say the word and we stop. No pain."

Sighing with a mixture of relief and disappointment that it was going to be so very much up to him, he relaxed utterly. Opening eyes that had drifted close at the touch, he reached out to mirror the gesture.

"I love you, and I trust you."

Smiling softly, they met in a sweet kiss that quickly turned more serious. Tongue finally delving fully into the hot depths of his partner's mouth, Jim set out to enjoy this to the fullest.

He was finally with the only one meant for his heart.

Taking his time, he slowly let his hand glide from the cheek down to the long neck he'd seen bent in pleasure so many times by now. For now, the skin was cool, but he had every intention of making it slick with sweat soon.

Blair watched his every movement, eyes dark with desire. That, just as much as the feeling of his partner's skin, was making him even hotter than before.

Having finally gotten his fill of the neck, he moved his hands even lower, to brush lightly against the curly hairs generously spread all over the chest. Never once touching a nipple, they nonetheless hardened just from his proximity.

Smiling softly, he kept the light strokes up, enjoying the reaction immensely.

Still no words came forth to break the spell between them, which pleased him no end. He felt as if words would belittle the event... make it trivial. It was much better to keep things at the nonverbal level and let him listen to the music of Blair's body. Soft sighs whenever he got close to sensitive places, small hitches in his breathing of pure frustration when Jim let up, the heartbeat laying a heavy rhythm underneath it all.

Finally, not wanting to draw it out too far, he let one single fingertip circle a tight bud, then touch. The reaction was more than he had expected; a heavy groan as his lover arched up towards his hand. Smiling even wider, he pinched lightly.

Gasps resounded in his ears, while one of Blair's hands snaked downwards to soothe the angry-looking erection bobbing over taut stomach muscles.

Jim reached out to grab the hand before it reached its goal. A pitiful moan voiced Blair's opinion on that more clearly than a thousand words.

Leaning down, he lapped at the pierced nipple gingerly. A strong hand reached around him to press his head further downwards. Fear boiled up shortly, and he pulled back.

Immediately, he was released, apologetic eyes shining towards him. Blair opened his mouth to speak, upon which Jim dived in for a kiss.

No words this night.

When they were both panting from desire and lack of oxygen, Jim pulled back. Putting a single finger over the full lips, he smiled faintly and dived back down to those yummy nipples again. The taste was too good to miss for long.

Nuzzling gently, he tasted his fill on first one, then the other little bud. He found out that he got a stronger reaction from the ringed one than the other, and treated them accordingly by nipping harder in the right side than in the left.

The hairs surrounding the area got thoroughly slicked down. He amused himself for a while by making swirly patterns in them, then started licking towards the belly button.

Blair got very still and tense. He looked up to see wide eyes staring at him. He knew the words were pushing forwards, so again he put a single finger over his lover's lips.

Sliding even lower on the bed, he deliberately held Blair's eyes locked on his as he stuck out his tongue and licked the fierce erection from root to tip in one smooth movement. Incredibly, Blair's eyes became even wider.

Showing with his eyes that this was what he wanted, he pressed a soft kiss to the drooling head. Licking his lips seductively, he savored the taste. Mmmmm... he could easily get addicted to that taste, pure musk, pure Blair.

Blair lifted his hips slightly, telling him wordlessly that it was more than ok, and would he please continue? Immediately obeying, he ducked and started licking all over the shaft, covering every inch and enjoying every second of it.

When he deemed it thoroughly wet, he gripped the base firmly and opened wide. It would take all of his skill to do what he wanted. Working slowly, controlling his throat muscles tightly, he worked his way down to the halfway point.

Breathing deeply, he sank the rest of the way down, moving his hand away at the same time. Blair was whimpering, and his hips quivered uncontrollably under Jim's hands. Resting for a short while before pulling up again, Jim let his throat get used to the bulk currently lodged deep.

His own erection throbbed hotly, but the taste and feel of his lover was much more important. He could ignore it for now.

He was somewhat amazed to find that the fear was conspicuous by its absence. This was so very different from what he'd gone through, that there was no room for flashbacks. Only for trust, love and blindingly hot desire.

He gave his all into pleasing his Blair, flicking his tongue over the sensitive spot just under the head, only to dive down to the root, sucking hard. It was easy to lose himself here, concentrating only on his lover.

He could feel the small tremors getting stronger, turning into full-bodied shivers, moans becoming increasingly louder. Grateful for the responses, he stepped up his efforts.

Hands suddenly clawed at his shoulder, pushing him away. He looked up, puzzled, to see a frantically panting Blair bite his lips in fierce concentration.

Posed with his mouth just around the head, he tried to figure out what Blair wanted. The gestures seemed to indicate... ah, yes. Of course.

He pulled his mouth off with a loud pop. Languidly, he turned so he was within reach of his lover's hands. Blair reached out eagerly, sighing happily when he finally could touch his own hard flesh.

Blair pulled slightly, and he inched closer. Apparently not close enough, because the overheated man next to him turned fully on his side, diving in to kiss his cock.

Now doing some heated moaning of his own, he could do nothing but watch as his full length disappeared behind the lips he'd coveted for so long.

This was pure Heaven.

Diving back in, he resumed his sucking, now both on their sides, mirroring each other's efforts. Every time he took Blair in deep, his own cock was taken to the root. Gathering all his courage, he let one hand snake around to caress the furry globes within such easy reach. He concentrated hard on his own reactions as the gesture was imitated on him.

No fear. No bad memories. Just pleasure and a need to take it further.

His ass was squeezed gently from time to time, but mainly the cool hand on him just stroked and caressed lightly. He felt fingers trace the scars on him, but they didn't linger for long.

Instead, they followed his own movements, dipping further down to trace along his crack. Shivering, he raised his knee, forcing Blair to change position of his arm from over his hip to in between his legs.

Simultaneously, they released each other's hard cock to suck on a finger. Jim flashed a smile up to his lover for the perfect synchronicity, only to find himself at the receiving end of a hot look paired with a big smile.

He took the erection into his mouth again, feeling a desperate need to keep tasting his partner, while his now thoroughly wet finger unerringly found the tight guardian muscle. He massaged it gently, feeling it relax almost immediately. Still, he didn't press inwards but kept circling and nudging the entrance as his own was.

He felt a few traces of fear, but the control he had over the situation via the mirror effect made it bearable.

While slowly sucking, keeping the intensity well below critical mass, they slowly but surely opened the other one up. Relubricating their index fingers several times helped attain that goal. Jim felt ready to self-combust by the time he finally dared to venture inside.

Wet. Hot. Tight. And he felt so full, filled to the brim with love and the body of his love.

Sucking harder while whimpering in pure lust, he started to follow the rhythm he'd set with his mouth, only to feel it mirrored completely.

Speeding up, feeling the release he craved already start to curl his toes, he thrust deeper into Blair. The finger inside him scraped across his prostate, tensing him completely. It felt so good... he'd completely forgotten how good it could feel to be filled with a finger or... a cock.

He succumbed to the emotions running rampant inside him, moaning deeply around his lover's delightfully large cock as his entire being was shooting forth into Blair's hot mouth. The images of Blair fucking him senseless were not frightening at all, they were a total turn-on.

His last drops were barely more than just licked up, before he felt his efforts rewarded... Blair threw his head back and cried out as he came down Jim's throat, bucking wildly. Jim could do nothing but hang on for the ride, trying to keep up his caresses of the spasming little hot button inside his lover. Each time he pressed in, he was given another spurt and treated to a rich groan.

Finally there was nothing more for Blair to give... he was drained completely. Jim slowly pulled off his lover's rapidly shrinking cock and gave it a final little kiss as he reached the tip of it. Just as slowly, he withdrew his finger, cherishing the little whimper that Blair emitted as he exited.

He petted the stomach before him as if in a daze. This had been so much better than he would have thought. All he'd really thought of was a bit of mutual masturbation, maybe, maybe some licking... but this? Finger-fucking each other? Drinking his lover to the last drop? He wouldn't have thought it.

And he didn't regret one bit of it.

Sighing deeply, he sat up and took a stock of himself. Ass slightly sore, but not in a bad way. More in an unused way. Cock delightfully tender and already tingling as if it wanted a rerun. Mind... clear and calm.

All was well in his world.

He smiled down at his one true lover and lay down to snuggle in with him. He broke the almost sacred silence between them to say the only thing that mattered... "I love you."

The whispered, "I love you" was Sentinel-soft and heavy with emotions. He wiggled in closer to steal a kiss and was given it freely. Sighing deeply, they cuddled even closer and went to sleep.

Fears had no place between them.

End part 2.