Work Text:
When Trust Fails
by Krisser
Tacoma
Wednesday
Blair headed the Volvo to the interchange for the 5 south. He really wished he could concentrate on the music. But the damn beat reminded him of drums and the drums reminded him of the Peruvian natives and that brought it full circle to Jim, who was what he was trying not to think about in the first place.
The Guide had always believed that he could handle most everything. Being shot, poisoned, held hostage, being dead. But this pushed past everything and he knew he had to leave. Distrust. After all this time, Jim still didn’t trust him.
There had to be trust, there had to be.
The anguish shot through him again as he remembered Jim’s words, ‘Generate publicity, dangle that carrot….’ Blair responded from pain, full of anger with a question asked in vain, ‘How long we know each other you think that’s what I’m about?’ Fresh sorrow washed over him as he remembered clearly the look on the Sentinel’s face, he’d believed that his guide could betray him.
He had really believed that.
That after everything that they had been through together, that his guide would just expose him, cause him pain. That had never been his way. But then, Jim didn’t really know him, did he?
Blair knew then he’d have to leave. Without trust as a basic foundation, the Guide and his Sentinel wouldn’t survive. Without trust there was no real friendship. Without trust he wasn’t really part of Jim’s life.
Fucking right!
Damn Naomi.
The anthropologist had given up his life’s dream. He had humiliated himself in front of the world. He labeled himself a fraud. He’d never work in his field again. But Jim was safe. So it was okay.
Blair hadn’t expected a party or a hug, but a simple thank you would have been nice.
“I saw the press conference.”
Wow, stop the presses.
But what had he expected? Really. Honestly, no misdirection? Thinking of the last six months, he became agitated. He couldn’t pace while driving, so he spoke aloud, “Let’s see, I died. I was fucking dead. But hey, my Sentinel brought me back, but that’s because the spirit guide told him to. I just don’t know why he bothered.
Jim didn’t want to acknowledge the spirit guides or the vision. What did he say,
Okay, then I get beat up and he fucking thinks I deserved it. Some husband. I got fired cause of the perp and hell, Simon showed more concern than my ‘friend’ ever did.”
Blair paused and looked out his rear view mirror, getting his last glimpse of the mountains as he headed away from what had been his first real home.
Home used to be Jim. Now he was life’s gypsy.
Thoughts compounded the emotions as he moved further and further away from his heart and soul.
Things happen, people change. Jim said it. It was true. Jim had changed, smiled more, but when asked what he wanted, it wasn’t Blair that he chose. He didn’t choose his life as a sentinel, no he wanted it the way it was before Sandburg.
Things happen, people change. Jim had said it, but he’d been talking about his guide. The guide he didn’t trust. A sentinel had to trust his guide or all was lost. Jim had almost lost it when he was with Alex, but Jim’s inner sense of right prevailed. He wasn’t saved by his guide.
Blair had known it then, but some deep seated desire that the outcome could be different kept him there. Yesterday he had learned that all he believed in were pipe dreams.
Jim didn’t need him. Jim didn’t want him.
Blair knew that Jim still needed a guide, he just didn’t need Blair.
The newly nomadic man stopped for gas in Portland, Oregon. He mailed the get well cards to Connor and Banks, just to let them know he was truly sorry and wished them well. He got a giant coffee, but didn’t bother with food, he hadn’t been hungry in a while.
Blair knew that he had obfuscation down to an art form. Hell, spent almost his whole life perfecting it. But there was no point in doing it to himself, he hadn’t been hungry in six months. Since he had died.
He knew that he had helped solve several cases, but that didn’t stop the detectives from doubting his words until he was proved right in each and every instance. Jim included. And that hurt. He wanted so badly for Jim to accept his findings, his conclusions, actually respect him, but that just brings it back to trust and Jim didn’t have that.
Maybe he should have just stuck to being a guide and forgotten about the partner stuff. But he blew it, cause somewhere along the way a whole lot more of him got involved with Jim. His heart. He fell for him, hook, line and sinker.
“Irony of your life, Blair Sandburg, those that you really love, just can’t love you back.” Blair whispered into the darkness of the night.
Naomi had always said that only a foolish man gets tied down. Blair knew he was a foolish man.
He wanted to be the Sentinels’ guide, but none of that could work without the trust and he finally realized that he’d never really had that.
Forcing himself to look objectively at the last three years, snippets of conversations came back to haunt him;
“Ah Jim, ya know he’s an intellectual dork we tolerate cause of you. We don’t need his kind around here.”
And Jim had nodded. That’s what hurt, Jim nodding in agreement.
Jim told him he was always in his face. That he didn’t need him, he could get along just fine. So Blair gave him that, his old life back. That ‘s the least he could do for the one he loved.
Sandburg drove through the evening, into the night counting bushes and road signs. Anything to keep his mind occupied, he wasn’t all that successful, so what else was new? About two a.m. he pulled into a roadside rest. He laid himself across the seats, drew his knees close to his chest and fell asleep.
Cascade
Thursday morning
Jim Ellison felt like shit. He was getting released and he was impatient. His leg was aching and he could feel the pain all the way up his back to his head.
He was surprised that Sandburg wasn’t nearby. He listened and couldn’t locate his heartbeat.
He looked over to his jacket and saw a note on it. He hobbled over to it. Sandburg’s writing. He smiled at the first words, **Dial down the pain, man. Shoulda been the first thing you did.**
The Sentinel did as his guide bade, then continued with the rest of the note. **Sorry about the press and the mess and all. But wouldn’t trade the last three plus years for anything. Thanks. B-**
Jim felt unsettled by the note. It didn’t explain where he was. There was something unsaid, something important, but he had no clue.
Joel walked in and interrupted his thought process. “Ready to go, Jim?”
Ellison nodded before stating, “Let’s go see Simon before we leave.”
Joel picked up the overnight bag as Jim negotiated the cane. As the door closed behind him, Jim asked of Taggert, “Know where Blair is?”
The Sentinel’s hearing picked up the now rapid heart rate and he could smell a tinge of fear. Immediately on alert, he demanded, “What happened to Blair?”
Joel Taggert sighed, “Let’s go to Simon’s room, Connor is meeting us there.”
The sense of an ill foreboding crept up the Sentinel’s spine at the tone behind the words. Something happened to Blair. He could barely wait to get inside Simon’s room. As soon as the lip of the lock clicked, Ellison bellowed, “Where the hell’s Sandburg!?”
Joel said softly, “He’s gone.”
“Where?”
“Don’t know.”
“When?”
“Yesterday.”
“Why?”
“Don’t know.”
“Where?” The desperation he felt leaked into his voice.
“We don’t know, Jim.” Connor answered this time.
Jim looked at her, “How do you know he’s gone?” Inside he was screaming, Blair left me.
“I believe he kinda told me yesterday morning, just right before the early morning pain meds. I fell asleep.” She shrugged the helpless shrug of her sorrow at sleeping during the time when Blair made his departure.
Jim turned his shocked gaze to Joel and questioned, “Captain, what do you know?”
Joel paused, knowing he had to keep his voice even, “I was back at the office after being down here. Saw Blair at his desk, he said that you were good, but they had sedated you for the rest of the night. I didn’t know it then, but he was cleaning out his desk. His observer’s pass is on Simon’s desk.” Joel looked at Simon, who had remained uncommonly quiet, but the pained look in his eyes told his story.
“Cleaned out his desk, why?” Jim wasn’t clear.
“Jim all I have is a bunch of mumbles, Blair was talking to himself. It sounded like he said he knew you were pretending and he couldn’t come back. Simon and Connor were his fault, said he was a fraud and you wanted to go back to pre-him,” Joel hated having to say it aloud. “He took a lot of negative comments on the way out.”
Simon took a deep breath and turned his gaze to Megan, “Do you remember what he said to you?”
The Aussie looked down at her shoes as she answered the captain’s query, “Well, he apologized for the shooting and about not seeing you, Simon. He asked me to help you, Jim, if I can…..then real soft like he said that he fought for the partnership every step of the way. He wanted to keep you from dying. He said he did his job, but can’t anymore cause you didn’t trust him.”
“What shit is that?” Ellison yelled.
Joel knew it was risky, but he felt like he had to point out the truth, “Last six months you barely talked to him. You acted like you didn’t care and Blair saw it too. He’s got no spark and that happened before that damn press conference.”
“It’s like Sandy’s given up. But it’s no wonder, Jim, you yelling how you’re better off without him, the Captain agreeing that might be for the best. He heard all that, you know. He’s taking lots of shit from the rest of the departments. And even most of us here haven’t been there. What’s he suppose to think?”
Jim sat down hard on Simon’s bed, he couldn’t think on all that stuff just now. His guide was gone and he had to get him back. He must have said as much aloud cause Connor answered him.
“But that’s the whole point, Jim, he believes he’s not wanted or needed. Why should he come back?” Connor tried to keep the anger and disbelief out of her voice. Jim was just too stupid sometimes.
Simon recognized the dazed look on Jim’s face and motioned for Joel and Megan to leave them alone.
When they were alone, Jim said with doubt in his voice, “I can’t do the sentinel thing without him. He knows that, why would he leave?”
Simon Banks laid back in his hospital bed and wished he could light up a cigar, something, anything, instead of throwing the punch he would like to do. No wonder Joel had spoken so carefully.
Simon thought about Sandburg and said what he’d heard him say dozens of times, “Take a couple of deep breaths and relax first.”
Jim did as suggested because he could hear Blair saying it to him.
“Jim, when was the last time you told Sandburg that?”
“Hell, Simon, I don’t need to tell him that, he’s the chief.”
“Ah, Jim, after the last week, I’d think he’d need to hear it.” Simon paused and brought up what Taggert had said, “Joel said he’d heard the comments about not needing him.”
“I was pissed, blowing off steam. He’d know that.” Jim said, almost convinced that it was true.
“I don’t know, Jim, he gave up everything that he’d been working for. He did it to protect you, but at what the cost? Now everyone thinks he’s a lair and a cheat.”
“But he’s not.”
“Yeah, Jim, but we’re the only two that know it. Even Joel doesn’t know it, he just grew to like the guy.”
“Well, then I just have to find Blair and tell him I do need him.” Saying it as if that was all it would take.
Simon knew that Jim kept most of his emotions on the inside, but the man was lying to himself here if he really thought it would be that easy. Simon didn’t say it much, but he had come to like Blair and his odd ways. Under all that Blairspeak, was an extremely intelligent man. A man that had come to value his friendship with Ellison above all else, and he had proved it. Didn’t Jim see that?
“Do you think that’s all it’s going to take?” Simon questioned.
“Why not? He’ll come back if he thinks he’s needed,” Jim stated.
Simon took a deep breath, Jim was obtuse in this area. “Jim, you’ve complained a lot about him the last few months, are you sure you want him back?” The older man was hoping to force Jim to think deeper.
“Of course I want him back.” The detective looked at his captain as if he’d lost it.
“Why?”
Jim stared at Simon.
“You’d have your place back to yourself, no towels on the floor. You could work alone, without his hanging around you all the time. Date again. So why?”
Jim felt panic at all that Simon said. He continued to stare at his friend and the black man was afraid that Jim had zoned. But the noise of the door opening attracted his attention.
The nurse kicked Jim out, stating that visiting hours were over. Jim nodded to the hospitalized friend before leaving.
Joel drove him home and Jim was quiet for the entire trip. He said thanks as he closed the car door. He had declined Taggert’s offer of company. He just wanted to think on Sandburg.
He took the elevator up, hoping it would make the trip as he was sure his leg wouldn’t make the stairs. He opened the door to the loft and was hit with the emptiness. The no blairness of it surrounded him.
The masks were gone, his books, even the boxes were gone. He limped to Blair’s room and could barely find the essence of his scent. He howled in distress. Blair was gone.
His chest was tight and he could feel the panic start deep inside. His guide was gone.
He moved back to the kitchen table and saw the stack of papers with a note from his guide. **Jim, this is the only part of the book I didn’t destroy. These pages deal specifically with how to manage your senses. I know you said you didn’t need the aid, but in case you slip, you can review. **
Nothing else. He looked on the back side, hoping, but it was blank.
He took out a beer and collapsed on the couch. He threw his head back and moaned. He needed Blair.
Blair knew that, didn’t he? Hell, most of the time Blair knew him better than he knew himself. He wouldn’t say that out loud, but it was the truth anyway. So how could Blair not know?
What had Joel said, ‘Last six months you barely talked to him. You acted like you didn’t care and Blair saw it too. He’s got no spark and that happened before that damn press conference.’ Jim thought about it, six months, since Blair died. Only he didn’t die, but really he had. Jim couldn’t stand it, it was his fault, he had been pissed at Sandburg and left him alone. Alex had killed his guide and he had failed to protect his guide.
The Sentinel must protect the guide. But he hadn’t.
With the help of the spirit guides Blair returned, but he didn’t know how he or they did it.
But by god he was glad it worked.
He had been so scared, so very scared. At that moment, the only thing he had cared about was Blair. And that had scared him. Scared him deep.
So he withdrew. Yes, the typical Ellison response to pain and fear. At the hospital, looking down onto his guide’s face, he knew he didn’t want anything like that to happen again. He must now really protect the guide. And the very worst thing for his guide was him.
They had barely spoken of the shared vision, but still the excitement of being alive was there in those blue eyes that followed him where ever he’d moved. Jim concentrated on that look, that special Blair look, that could sweep others into the pull of it. He remembered then, how the light dwindled as he said aloud that he didn’t want to take that trip with him.
And Jim realized that right there, Blair had died again.
No spark, no bounce. He had killed that too. He sure did a lousy job of protecting the guide.
Connor had said that she heard Blair say that Jim didn’t trust him.
The Sentinel trusts his guide.
But the little voice now running crazy throughout his head said different. How many times had I said I need a partner I can trust. Implying he wasn’t it. How many damn times did I say that. Shit. Too many.
But the ones screaming for acknowledgment were; right before he died and right before the press conference. Double shit.
He had killed his guide and he hurt his guide. He didn’t deserve his guide, but he needed him. Unlike anyone ever before.
Jim went into the bathroom to check the dirty clothes, yes. A tee shirt of Blair’s. He smelled it, Blairscent. He took it back to the couch and let his senses remember.
Medford, Oregon
Thursday afternoon
Blair pulled off the 5 and headed up highway 62 to Crater Lake. He’d been there once for a field trip and hoped it wasn’t crowded today. The roads were empty of traffic and that suited Blair’s mood.
He parked in the lot and took the walk to the top of the crater.
Blair worked through his anger and was left with just the heaviness of sorrow. A deep ache had taken up residence in his heart and he found it tough going. He thought of the Jim he loved, the strong body and spirit, the fragile heart. The unforgiving pockets within that Blair had fallen into.
Blue eyes that held mischief, anger, determination and pain.
The sentinel duties that were thrust on him were taken up. He had never shied away from the responsibility, only from betrayal. And Blair, for that was synonymous with betrayal. Thus was born the distrust.
Blair was illuminated, it was actually all his fault.
He pitched rocks into the old cindercone as he reviewed his life.
He had seen many places about the world, met thousands of people throughout his life, studied many different cultures, but had yet to discover the secret of keeping just one person within his life.
His mother had never stayed anywhere for very long and although each new place was an adventure, leaving those he cared about behind was harder than his mother ever realized.
All the years spent in search of his dream, and he found it. During those same years he had been in search of a sentinel, he had felt compelled, drawn to doing so and he had found that too. Both ended up being one and the same. A sentinel and the love of his life. And as life would have it, he lost both.
Otherwise know as Blairlife.
The sun started the final leg of its daylight hours and Blair heeded the signal and made his way back to his car. He used the 62 to highway 97 south. He could get back to the 5 faster than back tracking to Medford. He’s be in California in short while and then find a place to crash. He needed more coffee.
Cascade
Friday
Jim was up and showered by the dawn. He hadn’t been able to sleep anyway. He had all the hot water he could want, the towels were hung correctly and he hated it.
“I miss you, Blair,” Jim said aloud to the empty loft. His shoulders slumped as he sniffed the air and realized that he couldn’t find any trace of Blairscent.
He walked out to the balcony that looked over the city and saw none of it. All he could see was Blair the last few months. He, the one with enhanced senses, had missed it all.
Blair had died and no one talked about it. Blair had become more quiet as the weeks went by and no one had called it, he hadn’t called it. He lived with the man, worked with the man and missed the loss of vitality.
He really had pulled away from Blair, protecting his guide, protecting himself. He’d found himself too open with Blair, too comfortable with Blair. He was spending Saturday and Sunday at home over dating. He had found that he wanted to be around Blair even if he wasn’t talking to him.
For protection and all.
He grabbed his keys from the Blairbasket and headed for the hospital. Maybe Taggert and Connor had more information if he asked the right questions. That was the thought he held on to as he drove to Cascade General.
The detective entered his captain’s hospital room, nodding to Rafe on his way out. “Morning, Simon,” Ellison said as he sat in the chair by the foot of the bed.
Simon looked over his best detective and told him the truth, “You look like shit. Forget to shave?”
Jim rubbed his chin and found the stubble, “Guess I did.”
Simon took a hard look at his friend, he saw more emotion on his face right now than he had in the last six months. Prior to Blair’s death, Jim had been more open, he could trace all that to Sandburg. That kid had seemingly found the key to free Jim from his personal prison. Those prison walls went up harder and higher after he found the kid in the fountain.
But this morning, there was a lot of information showing on that face, all pain. “Jim, how’d you get here?”
“Drove myself, and before you get all hot about it, I drove slow.” Jim figured that made it okay. “I was up early and wasn’t about to call for a ride.”
“You’re off duty until Monday, what are you doing here so early?” Simon knew but he wanted Ellison to talk.
“Was hoping to talk with Connor again, in case she remembered anything else.” Jim paused, then his voice was tight, more controlled for his next words. “I was up thinking most of the night. I have to get him back. I need help to do this. A sentinel needs his guide and I need to tell him that and we just have to find him. And I need him, Simon, to answer your question from yesterday.”
Simon was struck with the insight that Jim hadn’t figured it all out yet. But his just admitting that he needed Blair was probably a big step. He didn’t get any further in his own thought process as Connor entered the room.
“Morning Captain, Jim. You did go home last night?” She asked Ellison.
“Yeah I did, they kicked me out.”
“You look like shit.” She smiled to take the sting out of the comment.
“Yeah, so Simon says.” Jim told her ruefully. Looking at Megan, he asked, “Did you remember anything at all?”
“Sorry, mate, I don’t. I was full of pain meds,” the Aussie told him sincerely.
A nurse entered the room with two envelopes, she checked Simon’s wounds before handing respective card owners their cards.
Jim looked at the envelopes and saw the writing clearly, “They’re from Blair.” His voice was tight as he said the name.
“Postmarked Portland, Oregon. Yesterday.” Megan opened the card as had Simon. She handed it to Jim, “A get well and apology card. The PS is about you.” She looked at Simon, “Take care of Jim.”
Jim’s face tightened and Simon spoke to give Jim a chance to control himself. “Seems he thinks it was his fault.” Simon was also touched at the gratitude he expressed at being allowed to work with them the last three plus years. To cover his own emotions, “Well we know he went south.”
“Is there any place special that Sandy would want to stop at?” Megan questioned. She could almost feel Jim’s frustration at not being able to do something right now.
“Nothing that stands out. Hell he’s been just about everywhere. I don’t think he’s been to Antarctica though. Blair talked of places, the people there, their significance, but not how it related to himself. When questioned directly he’d start off like he was gonna answer this one, when he’d chuckle and be reminded of an anecdote that would explain the question in general and misdirect the conversation away from himself.” Jim stood and moved to the little window, looking out, “I always let him get away with it. At first I didn’t even realize that he did it every time. Then the few times he would be just ready to share some inner part, we’d be shot at or have to roll on some case. I don’t think I’d known about Naomi if she hadn’t just dropped in.” Jim sounded defeated.
“I think Sandy’s been hurt a lot in his life.” Megan said, trying not to imply too strongly that Jim was on that boat too.
“And I am a big part of that.” Jim told them both.
Santa Rosa, California
Friday evening
Blair took the highway 25 off the interstate 101. He knew of this scenic route through Santa Rosa and wanted to watch the sunset. He found a scenic overlook and pulled in. He walked to the edge, stretching his back as he moved. He had wandered backroads for most of the day. Seemed to fit his mood.
The anthropologist thought on the multitude of partings that he’d had to partake of in his life, but none hurt like this one.
So lost in his thoughts, Blair didn’t realize that he wasn’t alone. When the person stepped beside him, he was startled but turned to give a greeting. He was surprised to see a gun.
“Gimme yer car keys.” The grubby man demanded.
“What?” Blair was just registering what was going on.
“Yer damn keys. I can shoot ya and take em anyway.” The desperation in his voice was clear.
Blair could hear it and didn’t want to fight it. He reached into his pocket and pulled them out. As he handed them to the car thief, the thief made an additional request.
“Wallet too.”
Blair shrugged and gave it up too. He wanted to laugh, he didn’t have any money. Some part of his amazement must have showed for the thief hardened his face, “Don’t be laughin at me.” He took his gun and hit Blair over the head. The unconscious body fell to the ground. The thief rolled it over the side with his foot.
As the sun was lost to the horizon, Blair was lost from sight as he rolled down the sloped roadside to stop some fifty feet below.
The thief smiled as he got into the Volvo. He started the car after lighting his cigarette and headed in the same southerly direction that it had been headed. As the man rounded the next sharp bend a coyote stood in the middle of the road. As he got closer, the man realized it was bigger, more like a wolf. It didn’t move. Just stood there staring. At the last moment he swerved to avoid hitting it and the car flew over the edge of the road.
The Volvo hit with a thundering crash, breaking the gas line, spilling it contents as it continued its downward movement. The windshield shattered, side windows broke, car contents spilled out as the car turned end over end. The lit cigarette landed on the gas soaked ground and ignited the flammable substance. It followed the path to the car causing an explosion in the gas tank. The flames engulfed the whole car, including the unconscious car thief.
The wolf stood above and watched. As the flames licked high into the night, the wolf turned away. He trotted back the way the vehicle had come and went down the side in the exact place that Blair had gone over. He trotted down the slope with ease of the sure footed and located unerringly the still figure below. He laid down next to it, resting his head on the man’s back and guarded into the night.
Cascade
Sunday mid-morning
Taggert was in Simon’s office going through the in-basket, looking for any must attend to’s. Simon had been fed up of Jim’s hang dog face and ordered him to help Joel. Connor accompanied him, needing something to do. She had been released Friday afternoon and was going stir-crazy. Rafe and H were out on a case, having to pull a heavy load as half of Major Crimes was out on light duty.
Jim used the office computer to check Blair’s email, only to find that nothing had been touched since before the press conference. He sent Blair an email, just on the off chance he might get it. Jim felt at a loss, he didn’t know where to begin. He tried putting in a call to Naomi, but she had yet to return his calls. What he really wanted to do was just start driving south and check each town for Blair’s heartbeat. He knew it better than his own. And Jim knew he wouldn’t sleep well again until he heard it once more.
Ronda leaned over and said, “Jim, phone for you.”
Jim picked up the extension. Ronda put down her receiver and motioned to Joel to stay close by.
“Ellison.”
“Detective Ellison? This is Captain Askin of the Santa Rosa Police Department. Do you know a Blair Sandburg?”
Panic set in the six foot plus frame and his hand was shaking. Megan noticed and moved closer to the detective.
Jim gripped the phone hard as he answered, “Yes, he’s my partner.”
“Yours was the only contact number…”
“Do you know where he is?” desperation evident in his voice.
“Detective, I regret to inform you that Mr. Sandburg was killed in an auto explosion. He…”
Jim dropped the phone and sank to his knees, moaning, “No, no, no.”
Joel picked up the phone as he watched Jim force himself up and go into Simon’s office. He could see silent tears running down his face. He spoke into the receiver, “This is Captain Taggert, would you repeat what you told my detective?”
“Yes, Captain, I informed him that Blair Sandburg died in an auto explosion. We believe the night before last.”
“Shit. Where are you.?” Joel paled under his dark skin.
“Santa Rosa, California. I’m Captain Askin of the Police Department.” Askin answered.
“Let me get directions, we’ll fly down today. He’s one of ours.” Joel told him. He got a pen and paper and wrote the directions from the airport.
Jim was slumped in Megan’s arm as he cried silently at his loss.
Joel looked through to Ellison, he knew even if the man didn’t know himself, that he was very close to the kid. He wasn’t sure if Ellison would make it through this. It was always hard to know with him. He looked up at Ronda and realized that everyone had frozen, only knowing that something was wrong from Ellison’s reaction.
“Sandburg died in an auto explosion.” They room stayed frozen. Joel looked to Ronda again, “Get me Simon’s room, and get me Rafe. Also three plane reservations to Santa Rosa. Emergency status.” Joel went to the unused desk in the corner to speak with Simon privately.
Megan kept patting Jim’s back. He had stopped sobbing, in fact she thought he was zoning. She didn’t want to attract attention to it so just continued to hold him. There was nothing to say.
Santa Rosa
Sunday late afternoon
Megan Connor and Joel Taggert dragged between them the zombie that was Jim Ellison. They had a rented car waiting for them and with the directions that Joel had from Askin they headed for the police department.
When Ronda had announced that they had plane reservations in one hour, Jim had gotten up and went to the men’s room to splash water on his face. He had been silent the entire time. Joel, having worked with Ellison pre-Blair, assured Megan that this was normal for the detective. He told her that it was Blair’s partnership that had made the man as social as he’d become. He told her that he had always worked alone until Blair had joined as an observer, only then did the little changes begin. Saying ‘good morning’, doing lunch runs, cooperating on cases. The man had become almost human, and the department was so happy to have him finally become part of them.
The only problem, the rest of the staff didn’t realize that it was Sandburg that had wrought the changes. The teased, belittled or generally dismissed the man, little did they know.
Taggert pulled up in front of the police department and the three cops got out. They located Captain Askin, as he had waited around to greet the out of state detectives. They arranged to follow the Santa Rosa police to the crash site.
Jim stood on the edge of the road above the burned out shell of the Volvo.
Askin explained that only the teeth were left of the victim. They identified him from the possessions that had been strewn about on the mountain side.
Jim walked down silently, alone. He checked out the car for any hint of Blair. Tears filled his eyes as he thought of his friend dying alone, not knowing how much he was valued. The emptiness that was engulfing him, took another chunk as Jim stood there.
His hearing picked up a rustle in the trees to his left and he blinked his eyes to clear them of the tears. He saw a dog. No, a wolf.
Blair’s spirit guide.
Aloud he whispered, “I am so sorry.”
The canine whined, turned and ran off. When Jim just watched and didn’t follow, he ran back to the man. He growled and turned again. Jim understood that he was to follow. He jogged after the retreating wolf.
Joel and Megan saw Jim leave and Joel signaled that he would follow him.
Jim followed the wolf for a least a mile, then the wolf slowed. As Jim caught his breath, the wolf stared into his eyes communicating something. It was almost as though he could hear him. He focused his hearing on the wolf and found his heartbeat. And found another. Blair’s. He would know it anywhere. At first he thought that it was with the wolf, then he picked up that it was coming from the underbrush up ahead. The wolf sprinted ahead as Jim cried aloud, “BLAIR.”
He ran after the wolf and under the leaves laid a familiar body with a weak and well known cadence. He looked over to the wolf, “Thank you.”
Jim brushed all the leaves off and checked for blood. The only wound was on his head. If the crash happened Friday, then Blair had been exposed to the elements for almost forty eight hours. He drew his guide tightly into his arms and held him close to his heart. He took in the scent, the Blairscent that he had been missing. For the first time in months, the Sentinel felt complete.
Joel moved into the clearing and saw Jim on his knees and yelled over, “Jim, what is it?”
“Get an ambulance, it’s Blair and he’s alive.”
In shock of delight, Joel did as requested.
-------
Jim sat next to the hospital bed holding Blair’s hand, trying to communicate through touch that he was not alone. The doctor said that he had a concussion, suffering from exposure and dehydration. The malnourishment, on the other hand, was a long term ailment. Blair looked so thin. Again, Jim can’t believe he missed that too.
Joel and Megan brought him coffee. They updated Simon and the folks at the station. They ran interference with the hospital staff…and Jim just stayed at Blair’s side.
He had Blair back, he couldn’t blow it this time. The sentinel needed his guide. He kept fingering his guide’s hand. Tracing the long fingers, amazed how soft the skin seemed. He could feel the blood running underneath the surface, through the vessels. Alive, Blair felt alive.
It was just after midnight when Jim could hear the change in Blair’s heart beat and knew he was waking, he held the hand tighter.
Blair could feel his hand being held and knew it was Jim’s hand. He knew the calluses and knuckles, he could catch a smell of Jim himself. Blair figured he must have been in here awhile if Jim needed a shower. He opened his eyes part way to sneak a peek. Jim’s eyes were there, waiting.
Those indigo orbs that usually hid a wealth of feeling away from the masses now stood open and readable. They held pain and fear.
Maybe he was worse off than he figured. “What happened?” He asked, his voice obscured by his cotton mouth.
Jim sighed a great sigh as he answered, “Someone hit your head and stole your car. He crashed about a mile from where you were found. We might not have found you without help from the wolf. You’re suffering from a concussion and exposure.”
“Yeah, I remember. Guy stole my car and then hit me…..what? What happened to the Volvo?” The brain just catching up to all Jim had said.
“Exploded, Chief. We’ll have to get you a new car.” Jim told him with a smile.
Blair turned his head, puzzled, “We?”
All the different things that clamored to be said, all that needed to be said and Jim had no clue why he asked this question first. Holding his guide’s hand, he whispered, “Chief, why’d you leave?”
All defenses down, sitting so close, yet still far away, Blair just spoke from his heart. “I’ve been like a dog waiting for scrapes—guess I got used to it. I may not have much to offer, but even I have my limits and I just reached mine. It was way past time to leave, you don’t need me as a guide anymore—so, I was wasting space here. Sorry Jim.” He turned his face to the wall and closed his eyes to keep the tears from falling.
Blair’s heart was really racing, Jim could hear it. So could the doctors, they reacted and shooed him out before Jim could form any response to heart wrenching words. Jim found himself in the hall alone.
Jim paced the waiting room. The delay in speaking to Blair was one of the toughest things he’s had to do in a long while. Blair was needed, Blair was needed. He had to get that message across.
Forty five minutes later the doctor appeared. “Mr. Ellison?”
Jim said, “Yes?”
“Mr. Sandburg can be released tomorrow. He will be weak for a time, but with a decent diet he should bounce back quickly. You may see him now.” The doctor smiled at the relieved look on the loved one’s face.
Jim looked to Joel and Megan, they waved him on. Jim took a breath to relax and listened, a steady heart beat. His guide’s heart beat. He entered the room and sat on the bed as close to Blair as he could get.
Blair looked startled to see Jim sitting so close. He went completely opened-eyed in amazement as Jim reached and pulled Blair into a hug.
“You are so needed. I’m a jackass that shoots off steam and lies as he’s doing it. My life has been so much better since you entered that doctor’s office. I will always need you. Don’t believe anything else, even if I say it.” He buried his face in the chestnut curls and took a deep smell. “Please come back, please stay. Please Chief?”
Blair relaxed inside the embrace he had waited two years for. Jim really did need him. That much he could tell. He voiced some of the pain, “You said you wanted pre-Blair.”
“A knee-jerked reaction to the whole media thing. But Chief, I’m not that guy anymore. The pre-Blair Jim is gone. The Jim now is a nicer guy, well, most the time and you did it. I need you now more than I ever did. It’s hard to admit that, but that is the truth. Jim Ellison needs Blair Sandburg in his life.” Jim held Blair a little tighter, “Does Blair Sandburg need Jim Ellison at all?”
Blair didn’t want to say anything if that meant the hug would continue, but he knew that Jim was waiting for an answer, and no matter how much he proclaimed that the old Jim was gone, none of the Jims could really handle rejection. “Blair Sandburg has always needed Jim Ellison.”
Jim let out the breath that he had been holding and Blair chuckled. Jim drew back to see why his guide was laughing. The puzzled lines on his sentinel’s forehead clued him in to giving up the answer now, “And just how long were you going to hold your breath? Is this something you did as a kid?” Blair chuckled again as the hug was tightened.
Detective Ellison didn’t understand why holding Blair felt so good, he just knew it did and went with it. Blair was happy with it, he knew why and was going to accept it as long as he could.
Megan walked in and was happy to finally see the two friends together. Jim released Blair quickly and sat back, embarrassed, but content. Megan smiled to herself, Jim Ellison was a doofus.
Cascade
Tuesday afternoon
Joel dropped off a happier Ellison and a tired Sandburg in front of 852 Prospect with a lighter heart than when he’d last dropped off Ellison alone here. Garnering a promise to call Simon, Joel took off.
Blair was surprised at how much this felt like coming home. He also felt some trepidation in returning, but he was hoping they would talk. For now he just centered his thoughts on getting upstairs and making up his bed.
The ride up the elevator messed with Blair’s equilibrium and he paused a bit before following Jim inside. Jim paused as he noted Blair’s hesitation and gently grabbed his elbow. Blair leaned into it and let Jim help.
Jim unlocked the door and held it for Blair, a sense of rightness filled Jim as he closed the door behind them. He put Blair’s bag containing what little possessions they had salvaged from the accident site down. Then he headed to the kitchen to make some of Blair’s tea.
Blair made for the couch but just as he settled he realized he needed to use the head so he got up again. He must have risen too quickly, for he felt dizzy and tripped on the edge of the couch.
Jim heard the fall and panicked, nothing could happen to Blair yet, he just got him home. Without thinking of his actions, he reacted instinctively and rushed to his fallen friend. He gathered him in his arms and pleaded, “Chief, are you okay, answer me, Chief?”
“Yeah, Big Guy, just got dizzy there for a second.” Blair said with a curiosity in his voice. What was up with Jim?
Jim leaned back to look down at Blair and responded to the tone of Blair’s voice. “What?”
Blair hadn’t planned to talk while he was sprawled on the floor within the embrace of Jim’s arms, but he had to figure this out. “Jim, six months ago you stopped touching me. A guide and his sentinel much touch, it’s an important part of the communication. Jim---you wouldn’t even look me in the eye, it was like you couldn’t stand the sight of me.”
Jim didn’t know the name of the emotion driving him, all he knew was he couldn’t let Blair think any of those thoughts were true. He gathered him closer, resting his chin on his friend’s head. “Chief, I killed you, I didn’t do what a sentinel is suppose to do, protect the guide. I let you down. Then with the fiasco of Alex, I was ashamed. I didn’t deserve you. All I wanted to do was protect you, I was the danger so I removed myself. It never dawned on me that you would think I didn’t want or need you as my guide.” The awful emptiness that almost consumed him welled up and Jim held on tighter to his guide, “Let me touch you now, oh please Blair?” Jim pressed his face into the side of Blair’s neck and inhaled the sweet essence of his guide, the need to connect more, overwhelmed Jim and he pressed his lips to Blair’s temple.
The taste was better than he had ever dreamed and kissed each eyelid. He kissed the other temple as he sniffed the hairline. He smelled—he sniffed again smelled the Blairscent of arousal. It overtook all his senses and he had to taste more. As if they had a will of their own, his lips found Blair’s and Jim lost all reason as his tongue plundered the Blairtaste. He tasted the tongue that matched his in exploration. He tasted the roof of Blair’s mouth, his teeth, the inside of his cheeks. He only lifted his head when he heard a moan.
Blair was sure he had died, never had he imagined this as the outcome of the discussion. At the first kiss on the temple, Blair was lost, he had never wanted anything as much. When Jim’s lips closed over his, he gave himself up to what ever Jim wanted at the moment. The taste of Jim’s mouth matched the scent of his skin. Sucking the strong tongue, he gave as good as he got. Blair moaned in delight, then in dismay as Jim’s lips left his.
Jim looked down into intensely blue aroused eyes, the fire flaming there could singe him and he wanted to be consumed by those flames. He recaptured the lips and reveled in the accompanying moans.
Lips kissed ears and necks, tongues tasted the ears and necks and when they ran out of skin the hands took care of the lips. Shirts were quickly shed, jeans were vanquished, boxers tossed. It was skin to skin and the lips thanked the hands for the timely assist. Nipples were intriguing for they responded so swiftly to the touch of the tongue. The nipples also elicited the most engaging sounds, purrs and growls. Erections leaked and the slicked areas become the playground of the groins. Licking, tasting thrusting. The continual unrelenting assault on the senses culminated with a profound orgasm before either wanted. Tight within each others arm, stomachs coated with each others fluids, they slept.
As Blair woke, he realized that the dream he had was in fact an actual happening. He was still within the sticky embrace of his sentinel. The blanket throw had been pulled over him and Jim’s heart beat was under his ear, the guide found he was quite comfortable. He planned on just lying there, enjoying this and take Jim’s lead in the aftermath.
Blair was trying not to get his hopes up too high, Jim said he needed him, nothing about love. Right now the needing part would work.
Jim felt Blair awake, felt his head move slightly to take in his surroundings. Then his guide just settled right back, not attempting to get up. Jim felt so relieved with the non-movement, he hugged Blair tighter. He didn’t understand why this felt so right, he was lying naked with his naked guide in his arms. His male guide. It still felt right.
He took a deep breath and his nostrils filled with Blairscent. He would know the mixture of fragrances that made Blair scent unique anywhere, and he knew how much he missed it when Blair had left. Hr hugged tighter.
Blair smiled as he whispered, “Hey, Big Guy, I still need to breathe here.”
In a serious low voice, lips pressed against the silky curls, Jim asked, “Please don’t leave again.”
The aching desperation was so transparent in tone, it tore at Blair’s heart. He made a promise, “I won’t as long as you need me.”
“Then that will be always, I need you always.” Jim pressed his lips to Blair’s head, raining little kisses. He sniffed in the Blairscent that he needed daily and identified the added scent of arousal. That odor went straight to his groin, he turned Blair’s face up and captured his lips. Blair’s mouth opened at first touch and latched onto his tongue. The Sentinel opened his senses to the texture and taste and that tongue became his whole world.
Blair’s hard cock pressing into his thigh sent messages to his cock and he wanted his Blair again in the worst way. He knew too, that they were sticky and sweaty so he broke the connection with the luscious lips and moved Blair away.
“Let’s finish this in the shower. I’ll show you how your body should be worshipped.” Jim got no complaint and steadied himself against the armrest before he pulled his guide up to him. He kissed the lips that were separated just a touch and again reveled in the desire that nearly consumed the azure eyes.
Blair relieved himself as Jim perfected the shower water. Then the taller man gently drew Blair under the spray with him. He washed every part of his guide’s body. Memorizing every inch of surface area. He shampooed the hair, loving the feel of his fingers playing with the curls. He kissed the smiling lips as he gently rinsed the soap from the long locks.
He needed to taste more. His tongue began an exploration of the ears and neck, only to hear the siren call of the rosy nubs. The moans emanating from the chest beneath his ear urged him on. He wanted to suck each hair of Blair’s chest, but the lure of the navel beckoned him lower. That was a dangerous place, for the scent of Blair’s need assailed his person and all other thoughts were lost as he had to taste the smell.
He ran his tongue down to he jeweled drop appearing above the slit and his tongue lapped it up. He needed more. His mouth covered the entire shaft in hopes of getting every drop of nectar it possessed.
Blair now knew he had died, and this was heaven. Never had he experienced the sensations that besieged his every pore. Blair ceased to exist and in his place was just raw emotion, passionate and sensuous.
Jim’s mouth and tongue moved and danced and Blair could only just control until Jim cupped his balls, squeezing them gently, Blair erupted into the warm cavern, Jim’s name on his lips. Jim drank all that Blair offered, memorizing the taste, loving the taste.
As a liquid only form, Blair slid down the shower wall to be caught inside his Sentinel’s embrace. Kisses were again rained atop a smiling face.
Jim turned off the water and enveloped his Blair in a large towel. He had another for his hair. He rubbed him dry, then set about drying the chestnut mop that surround the still smiling face.
He guided his guide to his bed and laid him face down and pressed himself on top. His hard and leaking erection wedged inside the crack.
“Take me,” Blair’s only words since his promise.
Jim shivered in excitement. He kissed the neck, sucking at the hairline, leaving a mark. He licked and nipped his way down Blair’s back, completely loving the groans and growls. He came to the ass cheeks and rubbed his face on them. His tongue traced the crackline and ringed the rosy tight hole.
Blair spread his legs, wantonly, invitingly to his lover. Jim growled as he reached for the lube. He used his tongue to caress the area before inserting a coated finger. He took it slow, not wanting to inflict any pain on his guide, he’d done enough of that already. When that finger moved with ease, he placed the second one in. Again soft and slow, until Blair moved back upon his fingers growling more. The third finger met a slight resistance and Jim stopped and let Blair’s canal adjust. Then he went in search of the nub he’d read about. He knew he’d found it by the writhing that was created from the touch.
“Please.”
How could the Sentinel refuse his begging guide. He coated his cock and pressed the head to the opening, forcing control on himself. Blair was obviously impatient as he trust back hard taking all decision from Jim.
Enclosed to the hilt, he felt his balls pressed against Blair’s warm ass. The urge to thrust was primitive and he obeyed its call. Hard trusts, aimed at the prostate, he reached around to grasp the fully hard shaft and pumped it in time with his thrusts. Jim opened his senses and focused on only Blair. He filled and was filled with the essence of his guide. He could feel Blair’s approaching climax and the joy in bringing his Blair here, his own orgasm piggybacked and they came together.
The only cognitive part of the Sentinel’s brain was to protect the Guide, he collapsed along side instead of on top. He gathered him in close and buried his nose in Blair’s hair.
Both men lay there, sated and wondering if it had ever felt like that before.
When Blair had verbal abilities back, “Had you done that before?” he queried as he tried to pick up his boneless body.
“On a dare in college. I never really looked at men that way before. You made me look, you made me want. Is it a sentinel-guide thing?
“It could be. I can check.” Blair felt a little joy diminish at the conclusion that the Sentinel wanted his Guide. Jim didn’t necessarily want Blair.
Jim stilled his lover’s body as he got up to get a cloth to clean them. After wiping them both, he crawled into bed next to his guide and pulled him close, spooning against him completely.
Blair waited until he heard Jim’s even breathing of sleep before he whispered aloud, “I love you.”
The Sentinel heard the whispered words and pulled his guide closer still.
The ringing phone tore Jim from a deep slumber. He checked Blair and found him still asleep then he gabbed his phone.
“Ellison.”
“You didn’t call.” Simon made it sound like an order missed.
“Yeah,” running his fingers through his hair as he moved away from the sleeping figure, “We were both so exhausted that after I got Blair settled, I fell asleep too. Sorry, Simon.” Jim was in the kitchen turning on the coffee maker.
“How is he?” Concern etched his voice
“Exhausted, but alive.” Those last two words said it all.
Simon grinned at tone of his detective’s voice, a tone he hadn’t heard in a very long time. “Are you coming down today? We need to discuss some upcoming issues.”
“Blair has to stay down ‘til tomorrow, but I can come down later. Okay?”
“That will be fine Jim. And Jim, I find myself very glad that Blair is still with us.” Simon hung up the phone.
Cascade General
Jim entered his Captain’s hospital room to find H, Rafe, Megan and Joel already there.
“Has this become the precinct now?” Jim asked as he took the only empty chair. If he received stares, it was just because of the complete transformation that had occurred. Jim Ellison looked like a new and happy man.
Megan bet though that the big dope hadn’t figured it out yet.
Jim took in the more serious expressions and asked another question that he hoped would get answered, “What’s wrong?”
H spoke up cautiously, “Jim, ya know after the press conference?” Jim nodded, “Well Blair was fired from the University. He was also expelled from school. His office down there is completely empty.”
“Shit.”
“Exactly,” Joel agreed.
Jim sat back in his chair, he hadn’t realized all the ramifications of the press conference. Only how it related to him. “Shit,” he repeated. “Well, he’s got a place to live. Can we somehow pay him for being an observer?”
Simon shook his head, “There’s no school underwriting his research. But Joel and Megan had an idea.” Simon let it dangle.
“What,” Jim said impatiently.
“Hire him as your partner.” Joel clarified.
“But Simon just said he couldn’t.” Jim was perplexed.
“As an observer, but how about as a cop?” Simon smiled, pleased.
“Wow. Great idea. Can you swing it?”
“It took some doing and explaining, but Joel and Megan here got the case files to prove his worth. He just has to take the self-defense part of the training course.” Simon shared.
“Will Sandy go for it?” Megan asked Jim.
“Three and a half years ago, I’d of said no. But the last year or so, I think Blair’s grown to like it. At least now he has an option.” Jim hoped that Blair did indeed want to do this.
Simon rubbed his hand together, “Okay, I’m getting out of here tomorrow, so let’s get everyone together at the station and tell Blair together.”
All the nods looked good to Simon. He motioned Jim over, “Maybe you should invite Naomi, you know, just so she can see how much we all appreciate Blair.” Jim nodded thoughtfully.
One month later
Simon was pleased, even the Academy Commander had to complement Sandburg. Along with the self-defense class, Blair had been required to take the academy final. They had not given him any prior notification, Simon believed that the instructors there wanted to use it to fail the kid. But he only missed one question. That did raise a few eyebrows.
They’d forgot that Sandburg isn’t a kid. He was only one paper away from a doctorate. Simon actually felt lucky that they had him in this department. But he’d never tell him.
He also knew that Ellison was a better man for Blair’s influence and guide help. Simon had been friends with Jim for over eight years and was heartily glad that Blair was deep within their folds.
The first official day had gone of with out a hitch and Jim had beamed more than Sandburg. They had a surprise party planned for their newest member this evening. They hadn’t actually celebrated the graduation, Blair had sustained many more bruises than the classes warranted and chose a more apropos occasion to celebrate.
Jim had wanted to get in someone’s face at the academy but Simon had reminded the detective that would do more harm than good. Blair had assured them many times that he could deal with it himself.
The year had been difficult for Blair and Simon was hoping that soon they’d have that bouncing uniqueness back that was the Sandburg trademark.
-----
What Blair liked best, besides being Jim’s “official” partner, was being able to wear his own clothes. A part of Blair is never lost that way. For Blair felt that he had lost big chunks of himself this last year. He now wore a gun same way as Jim in the back holster. So he knew that he only got parts back, not all. He wasn’t even sure if he ever could.
Life was Jim was better. Way better than it had been at the time of Alex. A name that still caused pain. He had more from Jim than he had ever dreamed, but he continued to be unable to get the real brass ring –love. They slept together in the same bed, had great sex, but they had never really talked about the why. Jim seemed content to believe it had to do with the Sentinel/Guide relationship. And though that may be the why, for Blair it was so much more. Jim was home and hearth. He would stay with Jim now, no matter the provocation.
He knew that for sure this morning when he looked at Jim’s smiling face, almost as happy as he himself was on becoming “official” partners. It may not be love, but Jim needed him and he would live with that. With that decision, something seemed to settle within himself.
Blair knew they were planning something tonight, Jim can’t keep these kinds of secrets, but he planned on acting surprised.
Jim broke into Blair’s reflections, “Wonderburger, Chief?”
“Man, on my official first day, you’d think I’d get to choose. That stuff is sooo bad for you Jim.” Blair gave his stock spiel.
“Ah, Wonderburger it is.” Jim pointed the truck in the right direction.
“Wouldn’t the truck know how to get there even if you weren’t driving?”
----
Simon and Jim were extremely pleased with the turnout. All of Major Crimes turned out and half of Forensics lab, Kid smiles at everyone. The surprise was four of the cadets from his academy class. They shared that Blair had tutored them or they would have failed the math part of the written. Somehow, Jim wasn’t surprised by the news.
So getting his world knocked off its axis hadn’t been in Jim’s plans. It wasn’t a terrorist crashing the party, they weren’t called out on a case, it wasn’t even Rafe dancing on a table top. It was a simple comment made by Megan.
It was near the end of the evening, Jim had beer in hand when Megan saddled up next to him. She looked him directly in the eye, almost like she was pissed at him, and knowing Connor, she could be. Instead of a scathing comment though, it seemed straightforward.
“Jim, where’s Sandy?” She asked.
“Last time I saw him, he was watching Rafe dance.”
“Oh, I see the Blair pod, but where’s Sandy?” The Aussie knew what she was asking.
It seemed an innocent question, but it rocked his whole world.
Jim stood completely still as his mind screamed in agreement. His memory played in slow motion Blair’s every expression this last month, the last six months. No sparkle. Seems he was a shell of his former self. He put on a good show, only Megan caught it.
When was the last time Blair talked incessantly? When did Blair last bounce while standing or walking? When was the last time Blair smiled with his whole person? It was all pre-Alex.
He searched the room for his guide and located his heartbeat before he saw him. Jim’s eyes softened as the rested on the brown curls that Blair had let hang free tonight. Tenderness stole through his entire being, that was followed by possession. Blair was his and he couldn’t lose him. And he couldn’t let Blair lose himself.
He meandered over to collect his inebriated partner and get him home. He got up to the loft and up the stairs to their room. He peeled off Blair’s clothes and pressed him back against the bed. He claimed the soft lips in a kiss that branded his lover to him.
Jim had to force himself to leave those lips, but he needed to lavish the rest of his guide’s body with attention. The scent of his lover assailed his senses and he knew that he could happily zone on that odor alone. But he reined himself in, he wanted to focus totally on Blair. He nipped and licked and sucked his way down Blair’s neck and chest. His nose fit in the hollows of his Blair’s stomach and he had to pull himself away.
The groans and growls were the best music and Jim lost himself on the taste of his Blair. He swallowed the engorged penis to its base. Opening his throat to house the entire length. He squeezed and sucked, controlling the bucking and writhing body with his hands. It wasn’t long until his wish to taste more was granted as Blair erupted into the throat that called forth the fluids.
The Sentinel gathered the sated body of his guide close to him, pulled the covers up and kissed his temple and ears. He would protect him from all that could hurt him tonight, himself included.
As the slowing heartbeat told of a deep sleep, the Sentinel released his thoughts and let them face all the truths. Blair may be here and in his bed, but Blair wasn’t back. Jim knew he had to find out why. Spikes of panic hit him like pain at the very thought of not having Blair’s naked body next to his every night. This was probably connected to Blair’s not wanting to take him.
Jim realized that in his sleep, without the inhibitions of life, the real Blair took what he wanted. For he would be so wrapped up in Jim’s arms and legs, it was hard to tell where one body stopped and the other began.
The Sentinel knew without a doubt that this was exactly how he wanted it. He was part of Blair and Blair was part of him. He could no longer imagine his life without this man in it.
They were Sentinel and Guide, but they were so much more. That was what Blair didn’t know he knew. This was his discovery.
Blair knew. Jim knew he did. But he had said nothing because it had to be Jim’s choice and like always, Blair waited. Would take it as long as he could. Well he wasn’t losing Blair again, not for any reason and especially not because he was a repressed, uncommunicative asshole.
He had to plan.
The week had its share of criminals and Jim never felt safer than having Blair watch his back. He thought and pondered all week and knew that a straight out discussion was the only way, and his weak point. But for Blair he had to marshal his thoughts and speak from the heart.
He made sure that Blair had no other plans for Friday night or the weekend. He made a favorite dinner of Blair’s and had the table set as Blair got out of the shower.
Blair looked at his friend with bemusement until he read the underlying agitation and focused intently on Jim’s facial expressions.
“We need to talk, Chief.” Which answered the agitation riddle for Blair.
Blair took the beer that Jim handed him and sat back on the couch and waited.
“I’m a selfish bastard.” Jim announced, having lost all the ordered thoughts he’d planned on using.
“And…..” Blair waited with a smile on his face.
Jim couldn’t help but smile back. He relaxed to a point and sat across from his guide. He then took a deep breath and dove in. “Blair are you okay with us? I think we have issues to resolve. I just ignored, or repressed as you claim and I missed something important. I want the bouncy Blair back. The pod Blair isn’t you.”
Blair felt blindsided. Issues. Talking, Jim? Blair took the easiest first. “Blair pod?”
“Yeah, it was Connor. She said you were missing and we had a Blair pod instead. And I realized right there that she was right, and I with the enhanced senses missed it all, or pretended I did. I had you back, I didn’t want to loose you again. Promise or no promise. So I ignored everything ‘til the comment.”
Blair closed himself off, “What issues?”
“I failed you, Chief. No matter how you look at it, I failed you.”
This was an issue that Blair could deal with. “We both failed, Jim. Partly cause we just keep guessing at each new hitch. We don’t have a play book on this whole Sentinel thing.”
“I betrayed you. I killed you, then in the hospital, I wanted to fuck you. Head trip. Then my natural defenses took over and I withdrew. Then back in Peru, against all my desires I’m trapped in some hypnotic pull of Alex’s. Chief when I saw you, seeing me kissing the one who killed you, I wanted to die. Everything was outta hand. I ended up pulling back even more.”
“I betrayed you too, you said so. I didn’t tell you about Alex.”
Jim interrupted with, “I was jealous.”
Blair shrugged, “I still withheld the information. I saw an opportunity. I already knew that I would never turn in the paper about you, so here steps in another sentinel. I could make my doctorate, I could protect you. I didn’t tell you so I didn’t protect you and we almost lost everything.”
Jim was trying to read everything on Blair, he seemed to be completely honest. But then his heart started to race and his breathing was uneven.
“Your believing that I could sell you out…..Jim you’ll never know how that cut, that you didn’t trust me.” Blair felt like he exposed a raw, bleeding wound.
Jim knew that he had stayed silent too long on that issue, hoping it would go away. “Truth?” He continued at Blair’s nod, “I didn’t really, but I was consumed with fear. Yeah, part of the fear was of exposure, but a big part of it was that if you were finished, Blair, you’d have no reason to stick around. So I separated first. Anger is the easiest for me.”
Jim got up and walked to the window, his voice changing, sad-like, “That press conference about killed me. You gave up everything. Your life’s work. I killed your dreams cause I didn’t take the time to look for any other type of solution. I know we got you a job, but the guilt that you took it out of sorrow or desperation eats at me.”
Some of the twisted pain within Blair evaporated, “Everything happens for a reason. My dream of finding a sentinel connected me with you. That was the important thing. The exposure and press conference allowed me to change course and grab a chance that I might not of taken if I had the doctorate to fall back on. I want to be a cop, I want to be your partner. I have something different to offer and I can help."
Jim walked back to Blair and sat next to him. He looked into his face, studying and read a calm acceptance. Some of his own twisted pain evaporated with the truly content look on his partner’s face. Jim reached out and pulled Blair close. He drew in a breath of Blairscent as he buried his face in his lover’s neck. He whispered the name of the emotion that he had just identified this week, “I love you.”
Blair stiffened in Jim’s embrace, then removed himself from it completely. He got up and moved to the window. “You don’t have to say that.” Blair told him, facing away.
Jim was puzzled, “You’ve said it to me at the end of each night. Why can’t I say it back?”
Blair turned an anguished face to his tormentor, “I mean it. It’s not something I throw out there at the moment.” Blair was angry.
So was Jim. “I mean it too. I never say it. It’s not casual, it’s forever.” Trying to figure out where he got lost.
Blair went for broke, “I’m in love with you, Jim. Wide-eyed, get married and have your kids kinda love. Til death do us part.”
“Blair, that’s how I love you too. Well, I think I’m too old to have your kids though. Blair, it’s after death too.”
Blair shook his head no and turned away.
A bulb turned on and Jim accused, “You don’t trust me to love you forever?”
Blair gave a negative shake of the head to indicating that wasn’t it.
More dawning, “You don’t trust me to love you at all?”
Blair’s demeanor was one of surrender and defeat.
Jim was horrified and silent.
Blair spoke softly, “that doesn’t happen in my life. Your need of me is enough.”
“But not for me!” Jim threw out, then, “I need you to believe that I love you. It took me so long to understand what it was that consumed me, I will not give up now.”
Blair’s stance was uncompromising, but there was a smidgen of hope in his eyes.
“You gave my life control and I can help others better for my sentinel abilities. And I thank providence that I have them because they brought me you. But right this minute, I would give them up and still need you next to me until the day I die. My life is empty without you. You are the other half of me.”
Jim could see Blair warring with himself. “I’m a guy. I thought you accepted the sex as part of the Sentinel/Guide life?”
“That may be what I told myself, but I’m addicted to Blair Sandburg, guy, not guide. Your scent alone can make me come. But it’s the whole bouncy Blairness that captured me, I love it, I love you. I’m not giving up.”
Blair searched the indigo begging eyes for the truth. Love was the truth. Azure eyes blazed in return. Blair walked to Jim and Jim met him half way.
The kiss was a promise of a life time.
fin