Archive of Our Own ^beta

Author's webpage: http://home.att.net/~lojojan

Jim paced back and forth across the long floor of the loft's living room, trying to keep himself from focussing in on any approaching footsteps.

Blair would be home soon. Home from picking up the last of his belongings from Rainier.

Today was the day Blair was saying goodbye to his old life, and Jim was going to make sure he had a new life waiting for him.

Today was the day Jim was finally going to stop being a stubborn, macho, selfish prick, and he was going to put his feelings on the line to tell Blair how he felt.

He stopped his thinking and pacing in one abrupt second as a key sounded in the lock.

Turning to the door, he watched from the center of the living room as it swung open and Blair came in, maneuvering a box along with him.

Blair came in silently and dropped the box with a sigh onto the ground. He looked up, shoving stray curls out of his face, and froze when he saw Jim. "Oh. Hey, man. I didn't know you were home."

"Yeah. I took a half day."

Blair's eyelids flew up. "Who died?"

Jim shrugged and came forward awkwardly. "I wanted to talk to you without any interruptions."

Blair's smile grew crooked with confusion and sudden apprehension. "Yeah? What do we need to talk about?"

"Uh." Jim hesitated. "You wanna sit down?"

"Ooh, I have such a bad feeling about this." Blair tried to keep his voice light, but his eyes were darkening, showing the truth of his words. "You want to take a quick second and let me know if I've broken some rule without knowing it or something?"

"Nothing like that." Jim gestured to the couch again stiffly. "Just sit, huh?"

Blair obeyed slowly, his brow furrowed and his eyes on Jim the entire time. He dropped onto the couch. "Okay. Now what?"

"I love you." Jim breathed out a slight sigh of relief. He'd done it. The only way it would come out of his mouth was quickly and without him thinking about it, so there it was.

Blair blinked. "Pardon me?"

"I love you." It was actually easier the second time, and Jim knew more words were going to be required here. "I...uh. You mean a lot to me, Blair. You're pretty much everything to me, you know? I'm not sure when I went from being your partner to wanting to be...you know. More. But it happened. I had to tell you. I know things are pretty bad right now, with the diss and the press conference. I just want you to know that you've got a place here, no matter what happens. I'm sorry I accused you of trying to make money off blowing my secret, and I'm sorry I pushed you away again. I love you."

Blair's mouth was hanging slightly open, staring up at Jim as though he'd never seen him before. After a minute the corners of his lips quirked up uncontrollably, and he let loose a bright smile. "You really mean that?"

"Yeah. I do." Jim shifted uncomfortably, rubbing a hand against the back of his neck just to be doing something.

"I love you, too."

It was his turn to gape. "What?"

Blair was almost beaming. "I have for ages, man. I figured you were as straight as they come, so I wasn't ever gonna say anything. I...wow."

Jim moved forward a step uncertainly. "You love me too."

"Yeah." Blair grinned up at him.

Jim lowered himself onto the couch beside his partner, never breaking eye contact. "Are you sure about this?"

"Yeah, I think so. I've been sure for a couple of years now, Jim." Blair reached up easily and lightly brushed his fingers up Jim's arm. "I'm surprised your senses didn't give me away. All those sessions in the shower, hoping you weren't listening while I...you know."

Jim couldn't hide a grin at that. "Is that why you always took an hour?"

Blair laughed. "That's most of it. But I guess it wasn't such a good idea to stay quiet. If you'd heard me before now, maybe we could have done this sooner, huh?" His grin slowly, suddenly dropped, and his eyes moved to the box on the floor beside the couch.

Jim was immediately alert. "What? What's wrong?"

Blair frowned at the box. His life at Rainier, neatly packed up and gotten rid of.

He turned to Jim, his blue eyes serious. "If we're really going to do something about how we feel, there's got a to be a couple of changes."

Jim nodded slightly. "That goes without saying."

"Not those kinds of changes." Blair met his roommate's eyes seriously. "I mean you."

"Me? What about me?"

"I mean..." Blair paused, then tensed, as though strengthening himself. "I mean, you have to change. You can't keep treating me the way you do, not if we're going to be so important to each other. You can't keep suspecting me, and keeping your distance. You have to tell me how you feel. You can't be in these funks all the time." He faced Jim more squarely. "No more secrets, and no more closing yourself off. If we take this extra step, it's got to be for real. That means you can't throw me out of here whenever you feel like it. It means you can't just make plans to boot me out of your life when a little publicity gets out."

Jim studied Blair, his face a strange mixture of shame and forced neutrality.

"I mean this, Jim. No more secrets, no more time to yourself. No more harsh words between us. You've got to improve yourself. You can't keep holding people at a distance. I thought you'd stop with time, but you haven't. I never asked it of you before, but I'm telling you now -- if you want this, you've got to change. Does that make sense?"

Jim was quiet for a minute. Slowly he nodded. "It makes sense."

"You think you can do it?"

A small, odd little smile crossed Jim's face, and he stopped his nod. "No."

Blair grinned instantly. "I think we can..." His grin faded, replaced by confusion. "No?"

Jim laughed slightly, but there wasn't much humor in the sound. "No. I don't think I can do it. I don't even think I want to."

Blair searched his expression, still puzzled. "I thought you said...I thought you loved me."

"I do." Jim's smile took an ironic tilt. "I love you, Blair. I guess we just have different ideas about what love is, huh?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I love you. You, just the way you are. Some parts of you annoy the hell out of me, and we both know it. But no way would I ask you to change." He shook his head, the grin fading. "I guess it doesn't mean that to you."

Blair sat up, frowning. "Jim, what are you--"

"Were you listening to what you just said? If I want to be with you, I have to change. And not just something. You want me to change the big stuff." He shook his head. "Dammit. I wanted this to work, Blair. I wanted to be happy with you. I thought I could. I thought if you just felt the same it would be so easy from there."

"It can be easy. I don't see what the problem is, Jim."

"You knew the kind of person I was before this came up, Blair. Before the dissertation, or Alex Barnes, before you even moved in with me. I've never pretended to be what I'm not. I've never acted like I really enjoy sharing every little think I feel with everyone else. I keep quiet about a lot of things, Chief. You know that by now. Especially my feelings."

He paused, then shrugged. "That's why Carolyn left. I guess she figured I'd change, too. But I didn't. And I won't. I am how I am, Blair. I've never made an apology for it, and I won't start now. I'm sorry as hell about what came from me throwing you our of here months ago, and I'm sorry as hell about you losing your job now. I don't want you to think I was never sorry." He laughed slightly. "You know, it's funny. You acted surprised when I kicked you out without telling you why. You acted surprised that I got pissed over the thesis getting out. You just don't seem to realize that it's who I am. It may not be a great way to be, but I'm too damned old to be trying to change now."

"Jim..." Blair shook his head slightly. "I didn't mean..."

"Sure you did. I heard what you said. You want me to be open and understanding, and nice, and emotional. You want me to be you."

"No! I never said--"

"Well, you sure as hell don't want me to be me." Jim shook his head, standing. "Forget it. I told you how I felt, and I still feel that way. But I've spent months figuring nothing would come out of it, and I guess I was right. Nice talking to you, Blair."

He made it to the door before Blair's voice called him back. "You selfish son of a bitch."

Jim turned, his hand on the knob. "Pardon me?"

"You want me to stop you? You want me to tell you that you can keep treating me like shit, that it's okay? I'm not going to do it, Jim."

Jim let out an almost sad-sounding sigh. "No, Sandburg. You still don't get it. I don't treat you like shit. I treat you the way I treat everybody. Actually, compared to anyone else, I'm downright sweet to you. I've told you things I've never told anyone, and shared more with you than I'm comfortable with. But that won't be enough for you. I realize that now. It's fine. We can keep on being roommates and partners, that's fine. I still need you as much as I ever did. But this thing here," he gestured between them, "it won't work as more than what it is now. I should have known that before I said anything to you."

Blair shook his head, still surprised, and getting more and more angry. "You think it's too much to ask, that you change the way you act around me if we become lo--"

"Fuck you," Jim said mildly. "I'm not changing for you. I haven't changed for anyone yet, despite everyone trying. I didn't change for my father, or Stephen, or Carolyn. I loved them, and I love you, but I sure as hell love myself more. Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm just selfish." He shrugged. "I guess you'll just have to deal with that." He turned back to the door.

Blair's voice stopped him again. "I died because of the way you are!"

Jim stiffened, and his hand dropped off the knob. "And you'd keep making me pay for that, wouldn't you? Won't you?" His back to the living room and his roommate, his voice sounded quieter than it was. "It was a mistake, and I've apologized time and again. I've paid for what I did to you. But you can't let me forget it. You called me selfish, Sandburg, but you're the most self-centered person I know." He smiled faintly, but knew Blair couldn't see it. "I don't owe you anything, Blair. We've helped each other, and we've hurt each other. We're even."

"No. No, you never went through what I did. You have no idea what it was like--"

Jim turned on his partner, his anger growing too rapidly for him to hide. "I have no idea what it was like? No, you're right. I've never drowned before. To you, I'm sure it's the worst thing you could go through. Look at me, Blair. I don't care much about my safety. I've spent over the last decade of my life risking it for other people. I'm used to the idea of dying, so what you went through probably wouldn't affect me so much. Not as much as it affected you."

He took a step in. "You're an open-minded guy, Chief. You have to see that it works both ways. You have no idea what it means for someone who protects his privacy as much as possible to be thrown in front of the press. You have no idea what it was like for me to be called a freak by the entire world. You don't know how I felt, having my face and my family splashed all over the papers, being followed around constantly by reporters. I may not value my life much, but I sure as hell value my privacy, and your thesis destroyed that for me. You killed that off, and it affected me probably a hell of a lot more than it would have affected you. So yeah, I'd say we're pretty well even."

Blair looked like he was almost in shock. He had to shake his head slightly to clear it before he realized it was his turn to say something.

Before he could, though, Jim held up a hand. "Forget it. We know where we stand. You won't be with me until I change, and I can't be with someone else who doesn't accept me the way I am. It was a good idea at the time, but nothing's gonna work between us. We'd better just stay friends, and leave everything else buried."

Blair nodded slightly. "That easy, huh?"

"That hard," Jim admitted. "But if we started something and it didn't work, it'd be that much harder." He shrugged. "I think I'm gonna go for a walk. There's some leftovers from last night in the fridge if you're hungry. Don't wait up, okay?"

Blair nodded slowly, not saying a word.

Jim turned and left the apartment, shutting the door behind him and leaving his partner and roommate sitting on the couch in an empty room, with nothing else to do but think about it.

End