Archive of Our Own ^beta

Author's webpage: http://grey.ravenshadow.net/

Title: Sessions 2
Author: Grey
Fandom: THE SENTINEL
Pairing: Jim/Blair
Rating: NC-17
Status: New/Complete
Archive: Yes
Email: [email protected]
Series/Sequel: Yes. This is the second in the Sessions Series. Date: February 2001
Website: http://grey.ravenshadow.net/ Disclaimer: Not mine.

Summary: Blair seeks help to cope with his troubled relationship with Jim and his near death experience.

Notes: Thanks to Jenn aka XFreak for her constant support.

Warnings: This story has major spoilers for the third and fourth seasons.

Sessions 2
by Grey

Sleeping with Sandburg came nowhere near restful. Even in slumber, his body called to Jim's senses. Light snoring accented with soft snorts and snuffles played a rhythm in tune with his restless movements. Rarely still, he first turned away and then returned to snuggle in closer, chest to chest, his leg up over Jim's thighs, his right hand always maintaining contact. Sweat salted his skin and a rich nighttime musk from his periodic erections perfumed the air. Jim lazily trailed his fingers through the thick chest hair, the furry wisps so different from his own bare chest. Nipples hardened at his touch and Blair sighed and smiled in his sleep, his body automatically drawn even closer.

Eyes moved rapidly under the lids, his body suddenly stiffening in alarm. Lips parted, releasing a whimper followed by a full body shudder, his breathing halted. As the younger man jerked awake, Jim hugged his partner closer and shushed in his ear, "Blair, it's okay. You're safe."

"Oh, god."

"It's okay."

"Shit."

"Just relax."

Instead, Blair pulled away harder, sat up, and pushed the hair out of his face. "Fuck. I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry about." Jim palmed his hand over his partner's racing heart. "Another nightmare?"

Still shaking, Blair didn't resist as Jim pulled him back under the covers and into his arms. Breathing ragged, Blair buried his face against Jim. "Why won't they stop?"

"I don't know, Chief. Are they the same as before?" Blair didn't answer, but lay trembling, his body drenched in a cold sweat. After a few minutes, Jim nudged. "You okay?"

"Give me a minute."

Nodding, Jim stroked his hand through Blair's curls and waited patiently, wishing he knew some magic spell to make his friend better. Finally, Blair's voice rumbled against his chest. "The dreams are different now."

"How?"

"Worse." Blair moved away and lay back on his pillow, his face turned toward the ceiling, avoiding Jim's gaze. "They're just dreams though. They don't mean anything."

Jim propped up his head on one hand and studied Blair's shadowed expression. "You know better than that. Aren't you the one who's always saying dreams are a link to our subconscious?"

"I don't need a lecture, Jim." Rubbing a hand over his face, Blair squeezed his eyes shut. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to be such a pain in the ass."

"Then don't be. Tell me what's going on."

Eyes still closed, Blair shook his head. "I can't. Besides, it doesn't matter." Sighing loudly, Blair bit his lower lip and then rolled over, his back to Jim. "Let's just try to get some sleep, man. We're both going to be dragging our asses tomorrow as it is."

Spooning in behind him, Jim wrapped his arms around his waist and rested his chin on the crook of his shoulder. "I love you."

"I know, man. Thanks. I love you, too."

"Are you sure?"

Startled, Blair turned in his arms to face him, his deep blue eyes concerned and focused on his. "What?"

"Are you sure you believe me when I say I love you?"

"Of course, I believe you."

"Do you?"

Blair stared intently and then cupped his cheek, his voice reverent and hushed. "I believe you love me with all your heart."

Still serious, Jim leaned in, kissing him gently before pulling back. "Then dream about that instead of whatever it is that's tearing you apart."

Once again Blair frowned and turned away. "I want to, but it's not that simple. You know that." Abruptly, he sat up and reached for his robe. "I think I'll go down and do some work so you can get some sleep."

As the younger man stood up, Jim grabbed his wrist. "Don't go. You're exhausted."

"I'm keeping you awake, man. I know that. Neither one of us is going to be worth shit if we keep this up." Blair patted his Jim's hand as he sat back down. "Maybe I should just sleep downstairs until I get this thing straightened out."

Gut tightened, Jim swung his legs over the side of the bed and shifted to sit beside Blair. "Is that what you want?"

"No, but it's not fair to keep you up every night."

Jim pushed back a wayward curl from Blair's face and shook his head. "Sleep downstairs and I'll still hear you. Up here I can hold you when it happens. At least let me do that much. I hate sleeping alone, Chief."

Nodding in surrender, Blair relaxed against him. "Only if you promise not to be such a grumpy ass tomorrow."

"Not a surly word. Scout's honor." Mussing his hair even more, Jim pushed him down on the bed and then crawled in beside him. Dragging the covers up over both their bodies, he whispered, "Now, go to sleep, Chief."

Burrowed in close, Blair rubbed his forehead on Jim's chest. "I'm so fucking tired."

"I know." Petting his hair, Jim held him tight, slowly learning by heart all the lush sensory patterns of his partner.

"You look a little tired. Are you still having trouble sleeping?"

"A little, yeah." Blair stood by the window of Dr. Logan's office, his eyes gritty, his body heavy with exhaustion. Outside the world went on, everyone busy, unaffected by his conflict. "But the good news is that Jim and I have finally decided to be honest."

"Really?"

Smiling at the doctor's reserved tone, Blair nodded. "Really. Surprised the hell out of me, too. When I got home after seeing you on Saturday, he said he wanted to talk and then he said he loved me."

"And what did you say?"

Crossing his arms, Blair avoided Logan's eyes. "I told him I loved him, too."

"But?"

"What makes you think there was a but?"

"Because of your earlier reservations."

Shrugging, Blair moved back to the chair across from Logan's desk and settled with his arms still wrapped around himself. "I did mention that I thought his history with women sucked."

"And what did he say?"

"He agreed. We both decided we needed to take this really slow."

Logan sat back, his voice even and steady. "Define slow."

"Slow as in no sex until we're ready. Slow as in we don't do anything that makes the other uncomfortable. Right now we're just sort of feeling our way along, no pun intended."

"And what are you doing exactly?"

"Well, we've kissed, but that's it. I've moved out of my room and I'm sleeping in his bed. I like being held." Blair snorted to himself. "I never would've figured Jim for someone who likes to cuddle, but he does. A lot. I like that."

Logan kept his face and voice neutral. "This is a big step in your life, Blair. How do you really feel about it?"

"Relieved. Happy, but scared, too."

"That's understandable. What are you most afraid of?"

"Losing Jim, of course."

"Why, of course?"

Meeting Logan's concerned eyes, Blair frowned. "Because he means more to me than anyone else in my life. Realizing that fact is huge. Sometimes I even feel guilty, because before Jim my mom was the most important person in my world. Now it's Jim. I'm not really sure how to feel about that."

"Don't you think your mother's going to approve of Jim?"

"That's a whole other session." Blair paused, flashing on his mother's face, her smile and warm eyes, wondering how she would react when he finally told her about Jim. He didn't really want to think about that yet, so he kept talking. "Besides, however she reacts, that won't change how I feel about him."

"You said you were afraid of losing Jim. Why is that?"

"Every time I think I can relax and just accept that he really wants me, I get this rush of panic."

"Panic about what?"

"Panic that it won't last. That I'll do something stupid to fuck it up, or Jim will. I don't know why."

"Don't you?"

"No, I don't." Running his right hand through his hair, he shook his head, his chest tight and the air too thin. "I know it's not rational. I know intellectually I should just accept what we've got now and try not to get caught up in worrying about the future. Carpe diem and all that shit, you know?"

"And why can't you do that?"

"Because every time I've done that in the past, I've gotten my ass kicked."

Logan nodded and sat forward. "Tell me about one of those times."

Blair shook his head as he looked away and scratched the inside of his left palm. "I'm not in the mood to talk about ancient history right now. Maybe another session."

"Okay, why don't you tell me about why you're not sleeping. Are you still having nightmares?"

Swallowing hard, Blair took several deep breaths before his voice worked. "Yeah. I thought sleeping with Jim would help, but it hasn't. They're worse now than before."

"Worse how?"

"More real." Memory provoked a shudder as Blair fought back the hurt. "I'm drowning, but I can see what's going on around me. Jim's there, but he's with Alex. They're kissing, like on the beach. I can't move because he's holding me under. Fuck." Blair rammed his right fist into the armrest. "It's so damn stupid."

"Dreams aren't stupid, Blair."

"I feel sick." Blair lifted one hand to his mouth while the other grabbed his stomach. He shut his eyes, the nausea bucking his belly, his whole body about to fly apart.

Logan came from around his desk and squeezed Blair's shoulder. "Take deep breaths, slow and easy."

Obeying Logan's coaching and grateful for no breakfast, Blair finally opened his eyes after several long minutes. "I think I'm okay now. Thanks."

The doctor poured some water and handed the glass to Blair. "Take slow sips. I can get you some ginger ale if you want."

"No, thanks. This is fine." As Logan settled back behind his desk, Blair held the glass between his shaky hands. "Sorry."

"Want to tell me why you think that just happened?"

"Probably because it makes me sick to think about Jim hurting me. I know he'd never do it, but apparently my subconscious hasn't reached that verdict yet."

"Why do you think that might be?"

"Because Jim's not the only one with trust issues."

Logan jotted down a few notes before he sat back and made eye contact. "You said you were sleeping in Jim's bed now."

"Yeah."

"So how does he react when you have one of these nightmares?"

"I think it frustrates him because he can't stop them."

"Have you told him what the dreams are about?"

"No." Blair rubbed the back of his neck and stretched at the strain across his shoulders.

"Why not?"

"Because the dreams aren't about Jim. They're about me."

Studying him thoughtfully, Logan motioned for him to continue. "Would you like to tell me what you mean by that?"

"Jim's apologized for what happened. He can't change it, but he's gone out of his way to let me know he's sorry. The fact that I'm having a dream where he hurts me is more about my own insecurity than it is about anything Jim's done." Leaning forward, Blair put the glass on the desk and then fisted his hands together. "Besides, it would hurt his feelings. I don't want that."

"He'd take it personally?"

"Oh, yeah."

"So what do you think it will take to stop having nightmares?"

"Beats me."

After a few moments, Logan sat back. "You said on your information sheet that you don't want to use medication, but I was wondering if you might consider taking something mild to help you relax and sleep better temporarily."

"I don't like taking pills."

"I understand that, but this is a very stressful time right now. Sleep deprivation can lead to even more anxiety. I don't think it would hurt to consider it as an option. Sometimes it just takes a few nights of good sleep to break the cycle. At least stay open to the idea if the nightmares continue."

"I'll think about it."

"Meanwhile, I'd like to you to start keeping a sleep journal until the next session."

"Sleep journal?"

Logan put a pamphlet on his desk across from Blair. "It's just a record of your sleeping patterns. There are a list of questions to answer each day and a chart for when you do and don't sleep during the night."

Picking up the booklet, Blair frowned. "And I'm doing this because?"

"Because sometimes it helps to get a better idea of what's leading to the disturbance."

"Okay, I guess I can see that."

"Plus, it's got some helpful hints about improving your sleep in the back. Simple things like avoiding caffeine and some stress management and meditation techniques."

Blair scanned the pages and then put the journal in his backpack, the writing blurry without his glasses. He added reading it later to his long list of things to do. "Thanks."

"I hope it helps."

"Me, too. Jim's not getting any sleep, either. He's been really good about it though. He's had a few bad dreams himself, so he knows what it's like."

"Has he had any while you've been sleeping together?"

"No." Hand to his mouth, Blair scooted around to get more comfortable in the chair. "It's weird."

"What is?"

"How natural it feels to sleep with him. I mean, I've spent the night with women, but it's never felt really right. This does. It's just strange, that's all."

"Because Jim's a man?"

"Because Jim's Jim. We just fit together."

Logan scribbled a few more lines and sat back. "Have you two talked about telling others about your relationship yet?"

"We've talked about it, but we really haven't decided. I think Simon might already know. He hasn't said anything though."

"Simon?"

"Jim's captain, my friend. Great guy, too, by the way. I think he's going to be fine with it."

"Anybody else? Your mother or Jim's family?"

"Jim's not close to his family. His mother left when he was a kid and he didn't talk to his dad or brother for over fifteen years after he enlisted in the army. He's only seen them recently because of cases he investigated. They're talking again, but only when they have to. Jim still has a hard time forgiving his dad for the way he raised them."

"How was that?"

"Jim doesn't talk about his childhood much, but he said that his dad made them compete for everything, every bit of attention and that was when his dad wasn't working 24/7. And then there are other things I really can't talk about, things that are private to Jim. He's got some really deep scars, man."

Frowning, Logan nodded and wrote several lines before he asked, "And what about telling your mother?"

"I'm holding off on Naomi. She likes Jim as a person, but she doesn't like what he does. I think for now Jim and I just want to figure out the details before we try to tackle the world."

"Do you expect a lot of obstacles?"

Solemn, Blair scratched his head and then pushed back his hair. "Jim's a cop. Sure, he's got good friends in Major Crimes, but outside that, well, if this gets out, it's going to be a huge hassle."

"And what about at the university?"

"Half of them already think I'm a faggot, so it's no big deal there. It's Jim I'm worried about."

Logan studied him several extra moments. "So you're saying it won't bother you when people find out you're in a gay relationship?"

"I've thought about this a lot over the last few months, ever since Mexico. At first I'll admit that it bothered me. Now, well, it's the least of my worries. I'm gay? Who the fuck cares? But Jim? Man, he cares. This is going to be a real ball buster. He says he's cool with it, but I have trouble believing it."

"You don't think he means it?"

"Oh, he means it. I just don't think he admits to himself how much he cares about what other people think. He's an incredibly private person and he's got this thing about being different." Before Logan could say anything, Blair held up a hand. "It's a long story, but bottom line, his dad made him toe the line of tradition. Preached that anything alternative, unconventional was bad. Jim's worked his whole life to fit in, first in the army and then as a cop. Now all of a sudden, he's in a gay relationship. It's going to be a lot harder than he thinks."

"What do you think will be more difficult for Jim? Being accepted by the outside world or accepting himself?"

"Shit. Don't ask an easy one." Blair sat back in frustration, pushing back his hair, his body still stretched with fatigue. "Both are going to be hard. At this point, I can't really answer that. I just wish it weren't so fucking complicated."

"What about you? What's going to be more difficult for you to handle?"

"Same answer. I don't really know. I just know I want it to work out between us."

"Wanting is half the battle."

"And the other half?"

"Doing what you have to do to make it happen."

"Ugly."

"Very." Joel stood outside the perimeter of the scene with Jim, both men braced against the cold, heads down and hands stuffed deep in their coat pockets. The wooded area did little to block the wind or the icy drizzle.

"Had to be more than one attacker." Jim sniffed the air again and then rubbed his hands together to ward off the wicked chill. "My money's on three. Forensics should back me up on this. From the looks of the scene, they got careless when they dumped the body."

Rubbing the back of his head, Joel frowned. "If you say so, but I don't see it."

Jim pointed to several imprints in the muddy soil. "There are at least three sets of shoe prints that don't match up with any from the team. Plus, there's not enough blood here for this to be the actual murder site." He didn't mention he could smell three distinctly different scents of semen on the girl's body or that three dissimilar bruising patterns played out on the pale skin.

Joel nodded in admiration, but then frowned. "What a shame, man. She was so young."

"Won't grow any older." Jim paused and met dark eyes. "Why go out of their way to drive out here to get rid of the body and not remove the ID?"

"Probably just wanted to buy time. This doesn't strike me as a premeditated crime, just a senseless one."

"Yeah, maybe." Clenching his jaw, Jim watched as the coroner's team zipped up the bag to remove the remains.

"We need to talk to the family, Jim."

"Hopefully, they'll have some idea about who'd want to harm her."

"Don't count on it. She was in college and lived on campus. My guess is her parents won't have a clue what she was into."

Turning away, they walked slowly towards Jim's truck together. "I hate this part."

"Me, too."

"You're good at it though."

Joel paused and looked over Jim's shoulder as the crew put the body in the coroner's wagon. "I guess I just imagine what it would be like to lose someone I loved and put myself in their position. It's a little easier that way."

As they climbed in, Jim slammed the door shut and put the key in the ignition. "I've tried that. I just end up getting pissed off."

Joel smiled while he put on his seat belt. "Because for you it's easier to be mad than sad."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Just that you don't like dealing with certain emotions, that's all."

Unsettled by the comment, Jim started the truck. "Nobody likes being sad."

"True, but some people handle it better than others. It's not a dig, man. Just an observation."

Mood darkened, Jim remained silent as they drove the highway back to the station. He hated being analyzed even by a friendly detective.

After a few moments, Joel broke through his sulking. "You want me to handle the interview with the parents then?"

"Sure. It's what you're good at." The words snipped the air and Jim avoided the concerned eyes trained in his direction.

"Look, Jim, I didn't mean anything, okay?"

"I didn't think you did."

"Then what's with the attitude?"

"It's no attitude. I'm just thinking through the facts of the case."

Joel nodded and then turned his attention to the side window, his voice calm and even. "I know it's none of my business, but are you okay?

"I'm fine. Just a little tired."

"Having trouble sleeping?"

"Some." Jim paused, wetting his lips and swallowing hard. "It's not really me, Joel. It's Blair. He's still having nightmares about that damn fountain."

"Man, who isn't? I still get the shakes just thinking about how close we came to losing him."

Gripping the wheel harder, Jim stole a look at his companion before returning his focus to the road. "It was close. Too close." His gut clenched as he admitted the truth of the words.

"But he made it. That's all that counts. Anyway, I thought he was seeing a shrink."

Startled, Jim glanced over. "He told you?"

"Yeah." Joel tilted his head as he recalled the conversation. "Said he needed to work out a few things. Then he asked me if I ever thought about what happened when people died."

"What'd you say?"

"I have faith in God, Jim. That's what I told him. There's got to be a better place like the Lord promised."

Jim kept his eyes on the road and bit back his skeptical reaction to the belief in a God who kept promises. "So, what'd Blair say?"

"Not much. He just nodded and thanked me. Didn't take a detective to figure out what was on his mind. I figure if I'd died and been brought back like he was, I'd have a few questions to work out, too." Joel hesitated before he asked, "Has he said anything to you about what he saw?"

"Saw?"

"When he died. Did he see anything? I mean, you hear all these stories about near-death experiences, about the bright light and the peacefulness of it all. Did he tell you anything about what it was like?"

Uncomfortable, Jim moved into the right lane to take the exit and avoided Joel's eyes. "You'd have to ask him."

Accepting the answer, Joel put a reassuring hand on Jim's shoulder. "He's going to be okay, Jim. He's a strong man. He's got a good heart."

"I know that."

"But it's just hard when you can't fix all that hurt, right?"

"Something like that."

Sighing, Joel crossed his arms and settled back. "Have faith, man. He'll be fine. He's got to find his own path just like the rest of us."

"Yeah." Jim didn't say that meanwhile being lost and confused as hell kept them both up at night. Changing the subject, he set up his plan of action for the rest of the day. "Why don't you handle the interview with the parents on your own this afternoon? I think I'll go over to Rainier and get the victim's schedule and see if I can track down her roommate."

"Okay. You could see Blair while you're there, too, huh?"

"Maybe."

Joel's knowing grin didn't go unnoticed.

"I am so fucked." Blair shook his head, his headache growing.

"No, you're not. It's just Johnson busting your balls. All you have to do is show him your notes and records and it'll be fine."

"Nobody else has been scrutinized like this."

Jake Ragland leaned back, his lean face drawn and concerned. "I know, man. It sucks, but it's not like it's the end of the world. Just show up with all your shit together and let him blow it out his ass. It'll be cool. You'll see."

"We're talking hours of extra paperwork, Jake. I don't have time to jump through hoops." Blair stood up and paced the small office, his nerves stretched, his muscles twitching just under the skin. Petty shit made him crazy.

"You could always claim he's discriminating or something, but I wouldn't advise it. Making a formal complaint would only make it worse. You know how the game's played around here."

"Yeah, I do. Unfortunately." Blair leaned back against the wall, his arms wrapped around his chest. "He was tight with Ventriss."

"More than tight, man. When old man Ventriss pulled the cash, Johnson's pet project got scrapped."

"I know."

"I mean, instead of the Congo, the guy will be lucky to get a ticket to Disney Land."

"It wasn't my fault Brad was a prick."

Jake looked up, his expression serious. "We all know that, Blair. But people like Johnson and Edwards, well, you know what they're like. They don't give a shit about what's right, just what makes their lives easier."

Rubbing his right temple, Blair focused on driving away the sharp, scraping pain just inside his skull. "I don't know if I can get all the work done by the time he wants to see it."

"Maybe you could pay Rita a few bucks. She's a wiz with this kind of thing. She shaped up my records for only twenty an hour. Saved my ass last semester when grades were due."

"Good idea. Maybe I'll give her a call later."

"Better make it soon. She's working on a paper for Hardin's class this weekend."

"Thanks, man. I'll do that." Blair lifted his head and studied his friend, the dark green eyes watching him back, the intensity of the stare unsettling. "What?"

"You sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine. This thing with Johnson just came at a bad time."

"No offense, man, but that's bullshit."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. You've been on edge for weeks now. Some of us are worried about you, man. What's going on?"

Defensive, Blair stood straighter. "Who's us?"

Leaning forward, his elbows on his knees, Jake kept his voice patient and even. "You don't live in a vacuum here, Blair. Mark, Jason, and I, we're all concerned. You look like shit and this stuff with Johnson is just typical school shit, shit you'd laugh at any other time. So what is it? Why are you acting like it's such a big deal?"

Anger deflated, Blair stepped to the desk and dropped into the chair, the world heavy. "I'm sorry, Jake. I'm just a tired, that's all."

"You sure that's it? Maybe you need to see a doctor or something. You know you almost died, man. Maybe you're having complications."

Blair snorted at the unintentional humor. "The only complications are in my head, man." Before Jake could ask, he held up a hand. "I'm seeing a doctor about it, so don't worry. Tell the others that it's cool. I just have to work through some stuff, that's all."

Relieved, Jake sat back, but remained grim. "I'm glad you've got sense enough not to ignore it. I wish my brother had done something different."

"Your brother?"

"Yeah, Johnny. He died a few years ago. Twice."

"What?"

"He died the first time in an auto accident, but they brought him back. After that, he got really depressed. It was almost like he had a death wish." He paused, his breath hitching slightly before he controlled himself. "He ended up dying when he ran his motorcycle off a cliff into the ocean. I guess he figured he'd finish what he started."

"Fuck. I'm sorry."

"I just wanted you to know that I understand that it can fuck with your head, that dying shit."

"Yeah, it can, but I don't have a death wish. Far from it."

"Cool." Satisfied, Jake stood and headed to the door. "Let me know if you need to talk about it, okay?"

"Sure." As soon as the door closed, Blair dropped his pounding head into his hands and groaned. "God, I hate this."

Jim glanced down at the form and shook his head. Fuck. The girl's schedule listed his partner's course, Introduction to Anthropology. Blair didn't need something else to worry about.

"Detective, is there something else I can do for you?"

Startled, Jim looked up from the paper and met sad eyes. "I'm sorry. I need her dorm room and the name of her roommate. Also, do you know who her advisor was?"

"Hang on just a moment and I'll see." After a few key strokes, the older woman printed out the information and handed it to Jim. "I'm sorry I can't do more. Katrina was such a nice girl."

"You knew Ms. Winslow?"

"Oh, yes. She interviewed me for the school paper once. I remember she was so polite." She smoothed back her grey hair as she stood straighter. "Believe me, you don't always get that these days."

"Excuse me, what's your name again?"

"Darla Marshall."

"Ms. Marshall, who's the faculty advisor for the student paper?"

"That would be Roy Hiser. You can usually find him in the Bramer building."

Folding the papers, Jim nodded. "You've been very helpful, Ms. Marshall. I appreciate it."

"Just get whoever did this. Poor girl. I hate thinking about it."

"We'll do what we can."

Turning away, Jim walked out of the building and down the steps. He should go to the dorm first and then see Hiser. Instead, he headed towards Blair's building, the need to see his partner growing. Walking down the long hall, avoiding the steady flow of students, he frowned as he neared the office. He knocked and tested the knob. Walking in, he found Blair with his head down and his eyes squeezed shut. Alarmed, he stepped closer and put his hand on the back of his neck, the tendons and muscles stiff. "Blair?"

Jerking upright, Blair knocked his hand away, his eyes wide. "Fuck."

"Settle down. It's just me."

Both hands up as he warded off Jim's touch, he swallowed hard. "Damn, Jim, don't do that."

"I'm sorry. I thought you were sick."

Shaking his head and blinking several times, Blair took several deep breaths and cleared his throat. "I must have dropped off."

"I didn't mean to scare you."

Rubbing his face with both hands, Blair coughed several times. "I know that." Fully awake, he focused on Jim. "What are you doing here?"

Jim sat down in the chair beside his friend. "I've got a new case. Brace yourself, Chief. Did you know a Katrina Winslow?"

"Oh, fuck. What happened? Is she dead?"

"Afraid so. I take it you knew her from your class?"

"Second row, seat 12, right in the center." Blair shut his eyes momentarily, his face pale and the dark circles around his eyes even more bruised than before. "Damn it, Jim. How did it happen?"

"We're not sure. She was raped and her body dumped in the woods out near Cliffside."

Covering his mouth with one hand, the pain contorted his face. His voice choked the words. "This sucks, Jim. She was such a good kid."

Leaning in, Jim reached over and hooked the back of his neck. "I'm sorry, Chief. We'll do whatever we can to find the guys who did this."

"Start with Adam McArthur. He was a shit of an ex-boyfriend. She dumped him a few weeks ago."

"And he didn't take it well?"

"You could say that. He beat the shit out of her."

"Did she file a report?"

Blair looked up and met his eyes, his face grim. "What do you think? I tried, man. I told her he'd just do it again if she didn't turn him in, but she just wanted it to be over, you know?"

Shifting closer, Jim whispered, "You okay?"

"No, I'm not okay. A girl's dead for no fucking reason. It doesn't make sense."

"Violence never does."

Pulling away, Blair stood up, agitated as he paced the room. He pushed his wild hair back away from his face. "I'll come with you. We have to get this guy."

"It might not be him."

"Who else could it be?"

"She was raped by three men before she was killed."

Stalled, Blair covered his mouth and then suddenly lurched for the waste basket. Jim supported his body as he fell to his knees dry heaving nothing but air. After the retching stopped, Jim held him close and stroked his hair. "It's okay."

"No, it's not, man. It's not fucking okay." Pushing Jim away, Blair sat back on his heels and then got to his feet, unsteady. Jim stood beside him, his hand on his arm. "I'm fine, Jim. Let go."

"You should go home and get some rest."

"You need me on this case. I know these people. I can help."

"You're exhausted."

"So what? I can't sleep anyway. Besides, it'll give me something to do so I don't go crazy about stupid shit."

Puzzled, Jim pushed back a wayward curl. "Did something else happen?"

"It's nothing. I can't believe I was so fucking upset about Johnson and now this happens. Compared to Katrina dying, that's nothing."

"What's going on with Johnson?"

"Just more bullshit about my teaching position. Don't worry about it. I'm not." Blair stepped to the door and picked up his jacket. "Come on. We need to talk to Sandy Kratz. She's Katrina's roommate. She'll know who she went out with last."

Following Blair out the door, Jim waited while his partner locked the office. "I still don't think this is a good idea."

Blair talked as he walked down the hallway. "I need to help, Jim. I couldn't convince her to turn Adam in, so the least I can do is find the assholes who hurt her."

"Okay, but you need to tell me if it gets to be too much."

Stopping suddenly, Blair whirled and put his hand on Jim's chest, anger rushing the words. "What? You don't think I can handle it?"

"I didn't say that."

"But that's what you think. Fuck this shit."

People stopped and gathered around. Jim leaned in and kept his voice low. "We're making a scene, Chief. Let's talk about this somewhere else."

Suddenly aware of the crowd, Blair flushed and stormed out the front door, Jim walking closely behind him. The younger man stopped and stared at the fountain. "I'm sorry, Jim. I didn't mean that."

"I know." Jim stood beside him, wanting to take his hand, wishing he could hold him close. Instead, he put a hand to the small of his back, directing him away from the scene of his near death. "Let's get away from this place."

His voice strained the words. "Wish it were that easy."

Sandy Kratz sat on the end of the dorm bed, her face in her hands as she cried. The young brunette's weeping shook her whole body, her pale skin even more white in the low light of the room. Uneasy, Jim watched his friend wrap an arm around her shoulders to console the misery. "It's okay, Sandy."

Several minutes and ten tissues later, Sandy blew her nose again and managed to find a croaky voice. "It's so hard to believe."

"I know."

"I mean, I was just talking to her last night and now she's dead? How fucked up is that?"

Blair glanced up at Jim, the sorrow in his eyes drenched in a blue that swallowed the whole world around it. "It's not easy to understand, Sandy. I know. Listen, we need your help here. Jim's a detective and he's working on the case. He's a friend of mine, so you can trust him."

Stealing a terrified look at Jim, she focused back on Blair. "I'm afraid. If someone killed Katrina, he might come after me."

"Who might?" Jim's voice boomed louder in the small room than he intended, so he softened his tone. "Was she afraid of someone in particular?"

Sandy blew her nose again and swallowed several times. "She was afraid of Adam, but I don't think he did this."

"Why not? I was told he hit her when she broke up with him."

"Yeah, he did, but she wasn't seeing him last night."

"Who did she see then?"

Still frightened, the girl wrapped her arms around herself and hesitated, her voice shaky. "Katrina's major is journalism."

"Was she working on a story?" Jim studied her as she struggled to control her trembling.

"I think so, yeah. She told me that if she broke this one, it would be really big, that Mr. Hiser might even recommend her for the internship with the CASCADE TIMES. She was really excited about it."

Blair touched her arm gently. "This is important, Sandy. Did she tell you who or what the story was about?"

"No, but she did say she was going to meet with a source last night. Then she didn't come home. I got worried, but I didn't know who to call." More tears welled up and fell down her cheeks. "I guess I need to call her mom and dad. Fuck. They're so nice, too. This whole thing sucks."

As Blair pulled her into another brief hug, Jim pressed harder. "Do you know if she kept notes about her work here or at the student paper?"

"She kept notes about everything." Sandy pointed at the desk near the other bed. "That's her stuff over there. She also kept backups of all her computer files at the paper, too."

"Did she have a computer here?"

"Her laptop, but she took that with her last night."

"Did she drive to her meeting?"

Sandy paused and pushed back her bangs. "Her car's gone, so yeah, I guess so."

Jim nodded as he slipped on his latex gloves. "I'm going to need to go through these things. Is there someone we could call for you to stay with during the investigation?"

"But this is my room."

Before Jim could answer, Blair intervened. "Jim's just saying that you shouldn't be alone right now, Sandy. Plus, we need to search and go through Katrina's things. I don't think you want to see that."

"Fuck, I didn't think about that. Okay. Let me grab a few things and I'll go stay with my sister."

As Jim picked up a notebook, Blair helped Sandy quickly pack a bag. She jotted her sister's phone number down and handed it to Blair. "You can reach me here. Let me know if you find anything. Please."

Taking the number, Blair patted her shoulder gently. "Sure. Thanks, Sandy. You've been a big help."

"Just find the bastard who did this."

As soon as she left, Jim gave Blair spare gloves and then handed the notebook to him. "Any of those names sound familiar?"

"Hal Bailey, Gil Wilson, George Richards? Well, yeah. They're the star players for Rainier's football team. I didn't know Katrina liked football."

"I think she liked investigating more. Turn the page."

Blair complied and swore. "Shit. Oh, man, this can't be right."

"If it is, we certainly have our motive."

Sagging down on the bed, Blair shook his head. "How could they be so stupid? It's one thing to sell dope. It's another to rape and kill somebody to hide it."

"Not if your life revolves around scholarships and keeping your habits secret. If these facts are real, then she posed a real threat."

"And if they're not?"

"Then we've got a girl with a vivid imagination who got herself killed for another reason."

Blair wet his lower lip and pushed back his hair. "What's our next move? Do we talk to Hiser at the paper or go to Coach Wilmer?"

"First, there's a team on it's way over here to seal the place off. I'll have Joel do background checks on our three players and then we'll go see Hiser. Sandy said Katrina always kept backups. I'll bet whoever killed her has the laptop and thinks they have the only evidence."

While Jim talked, Blair continued reading. His soft groan grabbed Jim's attention. "What?"

"Chambers."

"What about him?"

"He's in here. Apparently I wasn't the only guy on campus Claude invited to dinner. Damn it. She was checking out leads on his activities. She's got a couple of notes here about outing some of the people he harassed. I can't believe she'd do that." He turned the page again and halted. "Fuck."

"What?"

"I'm in here, too. Double fuck." Glancing up, Blair handed the book back to Jim. "Does that make me a suspect?"

Heart heavy, Jim put the notebook in an evidence bag and sealed it. "Lucky for you, you've got an alibi for the time of the murder."

"Yeah, I know. Sleeping with you. Man, tell me I don't have to swear to that."

"No, but I might have to."

"Oh, fuck."

Jim put his hand on his partner's shoulder and squeezed reassuringly. "It's okay, Chief. We'll just dance around it. You were home with me. Nobody has to know the details."

"I hate this shit, man, I really do."

"I'm sorry."

Glancing up, Blair frowned. "Why? It's not your fault. It's just been a shitty day, that's all."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Not right now, no. Maybe later."

Jim paused and sat down in the chair across from Blair. "You sure? What was that shouting about in the hallway?"

Rubbing his face with both hands, Blair then pushed his hair out of his face, the stubborn curls refusing to stay back. "It's not you, man. It's me. I'm just a little wound up right now."

"I get that. Did you go see Logan this morning?"

"Yeah, I did. Then I got to school and found out Johnson wanted to see all my paperwork for the semester, the syllabus, the grades, the lectures. It kind of sucker punched me. Then this thing with Katrina happened. Like I said, it's been a really shitty day."

"What's the deal with Johnson?"

"He was tight with Ventriss."

"Sounds like more harassment. Don't you have some kind of recourse?"

"Not really. He's head of my department. He's got the right to ask whenever he wants. He's just never done it before except to people he wanted out."

Jim got up and paced the room, the anger and frustration building. "You know you don't have to take this shit, Sandburg."

"Yes, I do. Besides, with all the other stuff going on, it doesn't really mean much now. It's just more shit to add to the pile."

Hesitating, his voice low, Jim whispered. "You could quit. I make enough money for both of us."

Startled at first, Blair studied him a few moments before smiling. "What? You want me to stay home and play the pretty woman? Take care of the house? Maybe have a baby?"

Ignoring the tease, Jim stepped closer, his face still serious. "I mean it, Blair. I hate what this place is doing to you lately."

"I know you do, man. But school's a huge part of my life. I can't just give up because it hits a rough patch. I'm not some spineless goober."

Jim finally grinned and shrugged. "I know you're not. I just wanted you to know you've got options."

"Thanks." Blair stood up and palmed his chest, the touch like fire. "You're one of the best options I've ever had, man."

Taking his hand between his own, Jim brought it to his lips, kissing the top gently. The knock at door startled them and they jerked away from one another as it opened, the forensics team stepping in. Still flushed, Jim avoided Blair's hurt eyes as he willed his cock into submission and his mind back to work.

"I don't know how much help I can be, detective."

Jim studied Dr. Hiser, the older man short with curly grey hair and moustache. "Did she tell you anything about the story she was working on, anything at all that might tell us who she saw last night?"

Hiser shook his head as he guided them to a work station. "She only told me she had a good lead." He pointed at the computer and handed Jim a key to the file drawer. "She kept her disks in here and this is the computer where she did all her drafts."

"Didn't she have to okay a story with you before going after it?"

"Not usually." Hiser sat down on the edge of the desk, his movements nervous. "I mean, sure I'd give her assignments, but most of the time Katrina would bring me an idea and I'd just let her run with it."

"What was her last idea?"

"She didn't give any details, just that it had something to do with the sports department." He hesitated and then crossed his arms. "Katrina had a real talent for journalism. She was probably one of the best students I've ever had. She had a real passion and so I just let her go with it." Glancing over at Blair, he added, "She's the one who covered your drowning and then that thing that happened with Ventriss."

Blair swallowed hard, the memory of the events and the articles all too vivid. "Yeah, I know."

"She liked you."

"I liked her, too. That's why it's so important that we find out whoever did this."

Nodding, Hiser motioned his head at the computer. "The only thing I can say is check through her files. If it's not there, then it's in her notebooks or on her laptop. Katrina was compulsive about documentation. Hell, she scripted every meeting and kept a log. It should all be there."

"Thanks, Dr. Hiser. We'll probably need to take some of this with us. Is that a problem?"

"You mean do you need a warrant? No, it's no problem. I hope you get whoever did this." Hiser stood up, frowning as he turned to leave. "I'll be in my office. Let me know if you need anything else."

"Thanks, doctor." As soon as the older man left, Jim turned to Blair. "You want to do the honors with the computer or go through the notebooks?"

"I'll do the computer." Sitting down in front of the screen, Blair took out his glasses and then powered up the computer.

"Blair, about what happened earlier, I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Blair's voice strained the words and he waited for the start up screen to finish.

"No, it's not. I just think we have to be careful about people finding out."

"I know that." Blair turned around and met his eyes. "But I have to ask, what are you going to do if someone does find out? Face it, Jim, you were spooked as hell and all you did was hold my hand."

"We were on the job."

"You didn't answer the question."

Jim clenched his jaw and sat down in one of the chairs beside Blair. "That's because I don't have an answer. I have to be honest. I really don't know what I'm going to do or even how I'm going to feel when or if that happens. It's not like I've got it all figured out yet."

Nodding, Blair shrugged and turned back to the computer. "Well, at least we're even."

Jim touched his shoulder and lowered his voice. "You pissed?"

"Not at you."

"You're losing me."

Anger swelled and Blair bit his lower lip, the words bitter. "It's the whole situation, Jim. We can't be together without all this shit. That's what pisses me off, not that you're having problems with it."

"I'm not the only one."

"I know that. That's the whole fucking point."

Standing, Jim moved behind him, massaging his shoulders and keeping the movements of his hands steady. "Come on. Relax. We'll figure this out later. Right now we need to focus on the case."

Blair slapped the hand kneading his muscles. "Then keep your hands to yourself for five minutes because my thinking just went south."

Jim didn't answer, but smiled as he used the key to open the file drawers. As he removed a stack of disks, he glanced up to see Dr. Hiser watching, his face twisted with disapproval before he turned away. Fuck.

"Jim? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Let's just get this shit done, okay?"

"Sure." Blair typed and opened files and finally smiled. "It's all here, man. She's got a whole catalogue of dates and observations. It's listed under the file, balls. Want me to save it?"

Leaning forward, his arm braced on the edge of the desk, Jim scanned the screen. "Yeah, and print out a hard copy. Then we head back to the station. I think it's time we brought Simon up to speed on this."

Blair saved and printed before getting up and turning off the computer. "You think these are the guys?"

"They're our best lead, yeah. I need to get with forensics and then we can bring them in for a chat."

"Tonight?"

"Depends. More likely we'll interview tomorrow. I want to have all the ducks in a row before we bring them in. Make it all neat and tidy."

"No way can this be neat and tidy, Jim. Katrina's dead."

Jim caught the misery under the words. "You okay?"

"Not really, but that's nothing new."

Patting his arm, he turned him towards the door. "Come on. Let's head back to the station."

Blair paused and shook his head. "Why don't I just meet you back home later? I've got to get those papers ready for Johnson."

"You can't do that tomorrow?"

"I could, but I'm not. He wants to bust my ass, he'll have to find another way to do it."

"Okay. Do what you have to in your office and I'll see you back at the loft. Want me to bring dinner?"

"Sure. Whatever. I'm not really hungry."

As Blair reached for the knob, Jim caught his arm. "Thanks for the help, Chief. You really made a difference here."

Blair didn't answer, but shrugged and headed out the door. Jim studied his partner, his longing welling up, his desire a constant tension all through his body. As he started to leave, Dr. Hiser stepped up beside him. "Detective Ellison?"

"Yeah?"

"I didn't want to say this while Mr. Sandburg was here, but I thought I should warn you."

"Warn me about what?"

"Not you exactly, but you should know that there have been all kinds of rumors lately about Mr. Sandburg. Katrina was really upset about them."

"About what?"

Leaning in, Dr. Hiser spoke quietly. "Look, what you two do in private is your business, but I just think you should be more careful. He's on thin ice here at the university as it is."

Face flushed, anger ripping through his bones, Jim steadied his voice with sheer willpower. "What's your point, Hiser?"

"My point is, that Edwards and her cronies want him out because of what happened with Ventriss. They're looking for any excuse to get rid of him. Katrina thought that was pretty shitty. She even held back on a story about that asshole Chambers, because it might hurt Sandburg. She liked him that much. I just think you need to know. You don't want to give them more ammunition if you can avoid it."

Still fighting back the urge to pound Hiser into the ground, Jim's words chipped the air. "And what ammunition would that be?"

"I'm a reporter. I've made a living watching people. Just be aware that if they think there's anything going on between you that could remotely be construed as unprofessional, they'll use it."

"What Sandburg and I do is none of their business."

"I'm just saying be careful. Don't put a bull's eye on your friend's back and not expect people like Edwards to take aim."

Hiser didn't need to explain and Jim didn't answer. As the older man walked away, Jim stood very still, the words echoing in his head. He took several long breaths to calm himself before he headed to the truck. Once there, he gripped the wheel and closed his eyes. Fucking conniving sons of bitches wanted a piece of Sandburg? Not without a good chunk of Ellison to go along.

Walking into the Rainbow Blossom Health Foods store, Blair headed straight to the herbals aisle. Scanning down the roll of jars and boxes, he didn't hear the woman step up behind him. "Hey, Blair."

Smiling weakly, he shrugged. "Hey, Jeannie."

Tall and thin, dressed in a tie-dyed T-shirt and jeans, Jeannie's grin faded. "Man, you look terrible. You okay?"

"I'm fine. Just a little trouble sleeping. Thought I'd check out a few miracle cures here."

Nodding in sympathy, Jeannie used both hands to gather up several boxes. "You've tried chamomile, right?"

"Yeah, first thing."

"Well, fennel or anise tea works for me, but not for everyone. Valerian is really good, but sometimes it leaves you a little hung over the next day. Still, when I'm really wired, it's what I use and it works every time. My sister Aggie swears by melatonin tablets, so you could try those, too. They're on the next aisle."

Blair held all the boxes in his arms, his head still pounding, Jeannie's usually mellow voice slicing at the edge of his hearing. He put two of the containers back on the shelf. "I think I'll just take the Valerian. I've already tried the fennel and anise tea along with catnip. Maggie recommended that the last time I came in, but they haven't helped."

"Sure." She reached over and handed him a small bottle of Valerian extract. "You want to put about 4 drops of this oil in the tea, too. This just makes it work better. You want me to get those melatonin tablets for you?"

Shaking his head, Blair walked over to the check out counter. "This will be fine. Thanks."

As she rang up the purchase and took his money, she studied him closely. She handed him back his change and closed the drawer. "You know, I've got this really fantastic meditation tape you might try. It's got a tropical rain storm mixed with native pipes. It's pretty awesome."

Blair rubbed his forehead, the thumping inside his skull ragging out his patience. "Maybe another time."

She touched his arm and leaned in as she spoke softly. "You look really stressed out, Blair. Let me lend you my CD and if you like it fine and if not, just bring it back, okay?"

Touched by her concern, Blair surrendered. "Yeah, I'd like that. Thanks, Jeannie."

"No problem." Reaching under the counter, she fetched the CD and slipped it into his bag. "Hope you feel better soon."

"Thanks. I'll let you know if this stuff works."

Jeannie smiled as she set off down the aisle to help another customer, talking over her shoulder. "Testimonials get you a discount next time."

"Sounds good."

Drained from the interaction, Blair headed outside, the drizzle more persistent. He hunched his shoulders, his mind swimming with all the frightful details from the day. Climbing into the Volvo, he just sat very still, every bone aching, his eyes grainy and unfocused. Blinking several times, he swallowed back the sour bile in his throat and started the engine. What he wouldn't give for a good night's sleep, just resting all quiet and warm in Jim's arms. Sighing, he checked his rear and side mirrors and then pulled into traffic. Every maniac driver in Cascade decided to travel along with him and Blair found himself shaking by the time he finally parked and got upstairs. Leaning his forehead against the locked door, he closed his eyes and prayed Jim didn't stay away all night. He wanted his partner's body next to his, the sooner the better.

Forcing himself to the kitchen, Blair boiled water and slipped off his coat. It only took a few minutes to make the tea and drink it, the taste bitter and grassy. He fetched his Walkman for the CD and put on the headphones. The faint sounds of thunder and rain reminded him of Peru without the itchy sweat and crawling insects. Eerie strains of wooden pipes wound through the natural music. Eyes closed, head back, he found himself drifting, his body finally relaxing.

Warm breezes fanned across his skin, his cheek wet with the rain, his breathing slower. A soft purr caught his attention and the world dipped to a thick green. Naked legs ran through the forest, the branches swatting and brushed away. In the distance, the panther waited, the stone steps his perch, his tail swishing lazily. Blair halted, confused, his mind suddenly fuzzy.

"Why am I here?"

The black cat just stared and remained silent, his proud head steady.

"Answer me." Blair stepped closer, determined, anger and frustration welling up inside him. "Why can't you just fucking tell me?"

A sudden roll of thunder caught him off guard and Blair jerked his head up to stare into the lush canopy above him, lightning strikes in the distance. When he turned his head back, he found the temple stairs empty, no cat, no spirit, nothing. Anxious spurs gouged his stomach and he slumped down to hold his head, the rains plastering his hair against his face. Stretching out on the broken rock surface, he drank in its coolness, relishing the contrast between earth and sky, his real world and the spirit swelling all around him. Sleep teased just at the edge of his thinking. Even in his dreams, he chased his own slumber.

"It's a damn shame."

"Yeah, on all counts." Jim stood at the window looking into the interrogation room watching as Hal Bailey wrote out his confession implicating his partners Wilson and Richards.

Simon nodded and gave a hefty pat to Jim's back. "Well done, though. You brought the guy to his knees in record time."

"He was already scared shitless."

"As well he should be, but the Ellison charm didn't hurt, either. You've got a way of putting the fear of the lord into people."

"Is that what I do?" Jim continued to stare at the young man, knowing first hand the horror of prison, knowing the hell Bailey would have to survive. He shuddered and wrapped his arms around his middle even tighter.

Simon frowned at the dreary mood as he stepped away from the window. "Don't go soft on me now, Jim. The boy doesn't deserve pity."

"I don't feel sorry for him. He deserves whatever he gets, but the Winslow girl didn't deserve to die."

"True." Simon rubbed the back of his head and took a deep breath. "Man, I don't want to be Chancellor Edwards when this shit hits the papers. It's only been a few months since the Ventriss mess. This isn't going to help the image of the school much."

"Fuck Edwards and fuck Rainier."

Simon moved next to Jim, his voice calm as he put a reassuring hand on his friend's shoulder. "You want to tell me what's going on here?"

"Not really." Jim pulled away and stepped to the door as he checked his watch. "By the time we pick up Richards and Wilson, it'll be after two at the earliest. I need to call Blair and let him know what's going on."

"He's a big boy. He's probably sleeping."

"I wish, but I doubt it."

"Is there something you're not telling me?"

Jim hesitated at the door, his hand still on the knob, and then turned back into the room. "I'm worried about him, Simon. He's still having nightmares. This shrink doesn't seem to be helping."

"Give it time. He's only had a few sessions. And what kind of nightmares? Are they about the drowning?"

"At first. Now, he says they're worse, but he won't say how. He's not sleeping worth shit and neither am I. This whole thing's got me on edge."

"By this whole thing, are you talking about the nightmares or something else?"

Avoiding his friend's eyes, Jim paced several times before he stopped and found his voice. "You want me to spell it out?"

"I think I've got a good idea. Are you saying you and Sandburg have decided to take the partnership beyond the station?"

"We're trying, yeah. I have to admit, it's making me more jumpy than I thought it would."

"Jumpy because it's good or because it's not what you expected?"

"Neither. Both. I don't know."

Simon shook his head and frowned. "Well, that's certainly clear enough."

"I love him. That's all that should matter."

"Is it?"

"What are you saying? You think I'm being naive?"

"Jim Ellison naive? Not likely." Simon didn't wait for a response. Instead, he lowered his voice as he moved in closer. "No, I think you're being too hard on yourself and on Blair. The kid's having a tough time right now, but that won't last forever. Just hang in there with that stubborn determination you're so good at."

"He still doesn't trust me."

"He said that?"

"He doesn't have to. If he trusted me, he'd tell me what's really bothering him, what's keeping him from sleeping."

"Did you ever stop to think that it's not about you?"

Jim met dark concerned eyes. "What?"

"Don't take this the wrong way, Jim, but you're not the center of the universe. There could be other reasons for him having nightmares. He did almost die and he's been under a lot of pressure from the school. Throw in changing his sexual preference, well, anyone might become a bit twitchy, even Sandburg."

"Actually, he seems okay with the gay thing. It's the other stuff that's getting to him."

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"How are you handling it?"

"I'm handling it."

"Are you?"

Jim shrugged, his shoulders and arms tight. "The best I can. I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be feeling. I only know that I love him. The other shit shouldn't matter."

"What other shit?"

Suddenly angry, Jim clenched his fists. "You know what I'm saying, Simon. We have to be on guard all the time. We can't be honest. People find out about us and it's a problem."

"Only if you let it be."

"That's easy to say, but we both know it's bullshit."

"You know I'll back you at the station, Jim."

"I know that, and I appreciate it, but we've both seen first hand the prejudice against gays. Remember Eddie Jordon?"

Simon nodded, his face grim. "I remember."

"And Ed Carstairs?"

"What's your point, Jim? We both know a gay cop is going to have a rough time, but both those situations occurred over six years ago. We've got better laws now. The world's changing."

"My point is that I'm not on a crusade to change the fucking world. I just want my life to be my own business. As long as I do my job, why should it matter?"

"It shouldn't, but you're right. Some people will make it their business and that's shitty. What you need to ask yourself is, do you want to call it off now or is being with Sandburg worth it?"

The rage stuttered in his chest, his voice hoarse around the words. "Of course, he's worth it."

"Then just focus on that and forget about the rest for now."

"I've been trying."

"Try harder."

Suddenly very tired, Jim steeled himself and stood straighter. "Look, enough about my personal life. Let's go get these guys off the street."

"What about calling the kid?"

"I'll wait until I get home and tell him in person. He's going to need to be prepared for the fall out."

"Fall out?"

"Yeah, seems Edwards thinks the cops and Rainier are in competition for his allegiance. This isn't going to make her too happy."

"This whole mess isn't Sandburg's fault."

"Neither was Ventriss. She still blames him for helping us catch the bastard."

"Bitch."

"My sentiments exactly."

Closing and locking the door, Jim noted the sleeping figure on the sofa. Smiling, he kept the lights low and hung up his jacket. Moving with extra care, he edged closer and noted the slack features, the slow breathing. About time his friend finally managed a few winks.

Heading down the hall, he went to the bathroom and showered quickly. By the time he finished and turned off the light, he heard Blair waking and shifting against the cushions in the living room.

"Jim?"

Wearing only boxers, his skin still damp, Jim walked out and sagged down beside his sleepy companion. "Hey, Chief."

Sighing, Blair slipped off the headphones and rested his cheek against Jim's chest. "What time is it?"

"Late. Nearly four."

"In the morning?"

"Yeah, but we've got all three of the guys who killed Katrina Winslow. Bailey confessed and we've got the others behind bars. I figure the lawyers can fight it out from here on out."

Blair didn't pull away, but snuggled in even closer. "You've been busy."

"Never would've been able to do it so quickly without your help and Katrina's notes." Jim petted back Blair's hair, his fingers enticed by the soft spring against his flesh. "Let's go up to bed. I'll give you the details in the morning."

"It is morning."

"Well, in a few hours then. I'm exhausted."

Jim stood up and Blair followed with little resistance, his eyes still half-closed and droopy. Once upstairs, Jim helped him undress before sliding under the covers wrapped together. Still sluggish, Blair sighed deeply, his palm over Jim's heart. "I saw your panther."

"What?"

"Your panther. I saw it in a dream. Took me to the temple and then wouldn't talk to me. Surly bastard."

Jim frowned as he held his partner. "The panther doesn't talk in my dreams."

"Oh, well, that explains it. I thought he was just being picky." The words came out distant, each sound loose and disconnected. "I took a nap in my dream, man, and now I feel all fuzzy."

"Go back to sleep." Jim kissed the curls and squeezed him closer. "You've had a tough day."

Blair shivered and rolled in closer, his hands exploring Jim's belly, sliding down between his legs. "Feels good."

Jim groaned as he squeezed his eyes shut, his cock springing to life despite his brain's weary condition. "What are you doing, Chief?"

"Exploring. Mind?"

"Depends."

"On what?" Slipping his hand past the elastic, Blair captured Jim's erection, holding it gently like a prize.

"I thought we were going to wait until we were ready."

"I like touching you, man. You feel so hot." As he spoke, Blair stroked, his movements arching Jim's back, the sentinel's breath caught off guard by the unexpected contact. "It's okay, Jim. Trust me. I love you."

Without speaking, Jim pumped into the expert hand, his rhythm quick and steady. His brain swelled with the passion, the need puffing through him like a windstorm, his spine caught in the war between building and release. The world suddenly narrowed into flashes, his cock exploding, spasms crashing through his middle. Shuddering with pleasure, he finally slumped and opened his eyes. A world of blue stared up at him while Blair brought his hand up and licked the musky semen from his own fingertips, his lips glistening and wet. Jim's stomach clenched, jealous and hungry. Madly, he kissed Blair, claiming his own tang and wanting even more, a different flavor.

Still not speaking, eyes narrowed, he pushed Blair on his back and slipped off his shorts. Without protest, his lover spread his legs as Jim kneeled between them. From a nest of dark curls, his target sprang up, leaking and inviting. With focus, Jim held Blair's cock, noting his lover's quickened heartbeat, the ragged breathing. Head back, Blair shut his eyes as Jim lowered his mouth to claim him. Sharp and bitter, the slick head slipped easily between his lips, the heat bathed in simmering silk. Veins pulsed against his tongue as he licked first the tip and then along the underside, Blair's hands now cradled his skull. Soft whimpers played to his hearing as he sucked and pumped his head along the shaft, his fingers fondling balls and teasing the tight hole. Thighs trembled as Blair arched up and fucked his mouth, his cock throbbing while Jim controlled the suction, managed the urgent thrusts just enough to bring him off right at the point of taking him in completely. The cry surprised him almost as much as the raw wash of bitterness that sprayed his throat. Jim pulled back enough to swallow and then smiled with satisfaction at the jerking orgasm that left his lover powerless to do more than moan and to draw him up and over his body.

Hugging him close, the sweat cooling between them, Blair whispered, "God, I love you so much."

"Same here, Blair."

Jaw and throat aching, Jim rolled over, tugging Blair against him as he pulled up the sheet and comforter. Kissing him again, the masculine flavor suiting his lover's tongue, Jim smiled. "Not bad for a first blowjob, huh?"

"God."

"Glad you liked it."

"You're a natural, man."

Lying together, Jim stretched out, one leg up and over Blair's thighs. "You know what's weird?"

"What?"

"I thought I'd never be able to do that."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, I mean, I've had women do it, but the idea of going down on you like that, well, I just thought, no way."

Blair's nuzzled his face into his shoulder. "And now?"

"I liked it."

"Me, too."

"No, I mean I really liked it. I love the way you smell and taste, the way you feel in my hand and mouth. It was fucking fantastic."

Chuckling, Blair lifted his head. "Is this your way of saying, the whole gay sex thing hasn't turned you off yet?"

"Bring it on, Chief. I'm ready."

Grinning, Blair shook his head and snuggled in. "God, I'm in love with a sex fiend."

"You know you love it." Jim hugged him playfully as he relished the heated connection between their bodies, skin on skin, his senses stretched and glowing.

More serious, Blair's voice softened. "Yeah, man, I do. I love you and everything that comes with that. I didn't mean to start this tonight, but I'm glad I did."

"Me, too." Closing his eyes, his head resting on the cushion of Blair's curls, he complained, "But now I'm completely wasted. I've got to get some sleep."

"Yeah, me, too."

Cautiously, not wanting to break the spell of contentment, Jim spoke in a hush. "Sweet dreams, Chief."

Blair reached down and fondled Jim's spent cock, his fingers gripping lightly. Weak tingles buzzed through Jim's body as he moaned in protest. "Jesus, Blair, I can't. Not so soon."

"Don't worry, Jim. I'm just holding on to my lucky charm here."

"God, you're a crazy man."

"Crazy in love Sandburg, that's me."

"Go to sleep, babe."

"Babe? Did you just call me babe?"

"Yeah." Jim reached down and stilled Blair's stroking hand before removing it. "Now, behave." Rolling the younger man over, he spooned in behind him, his arm draped over his waist.

Blair sighed, his voice drowsy and happy. "Babe. I like that." He rubbed his face into the pillow, his eyes closed, his breathing slowing down. "Night, Jim."

"Night, babe."

"You look rested."

"Thanks. I feel rested. Finally." Blair smiled and settled into the chair across from Dr. Logan, his body refreshed and his spirits lifted.

"No more nightmares?"

"Not for over a week now. Weird dreams, but nothing too scary."

"Weird in what way?"

"Remember I told you about my vision, about the panther and the wolf?"

"I remember."

"Well, I haven't seen the wolf again, but the panther keeps making a visit. I spend a lot of time chasing him through the jungle. He almost lets me catch him, but not quite."

His hands clasped in front of his face, Logan nodded. "What do you suppose it means?"

"I think it means I'm getting closer to Jim, but his spirit is still a bit skittish."

Sitting back, Logan nodded for him to continue. "Has your relationship with Jim changed in some way?"

Flushing, Blair avoided his eyes and cleared his throat nervously. "We started having sex."

"And how's that been?"

"Good."

"Just good?"

Blair hesitated, but then met Logan's eyes. "It's been fantastic. Better than I could've imagined, and believe me, I've got a very vivid imagination."

"Does it make you uncomfortable to talk about it?"

"A little, but that's only because I don't think Jim would like me talking about it. He's very private about things like that."

"How's he dealing with this new aspect of your relationship?"

Staring off in the distance, remembering the hugs and kisses only a few hours ago, Blair smiled. "I can safely say he's fine with it." Leaning in slightly, he added, "I think he's surprised at how much he likes it. Frankly, so am I."

"Why's that?"

"I think we both bought into that whole societal conditioning, that gay sex is nasty, that it's all about fucking up the ass and shit. But it's not. It's so much more than that. In fact, we haven't even done that part and I don't think we've missed a thing. Jim's an unbelievable lover. He touches me like nobody I've ever been with."

"And how does that make you feel about him?"

"It makes me think he really loves me and that we have a chance to actually make this thing work."

"Do you think that could be why you've stopped having nightmares and you're sleeping better?"

"Could be. Of course, getting the best sex I've ever had doesn't hurt. Makes me sleep like a baby."

Logan coughed and cleared his throat, but it didn't camouflage his amusement. "So, you're feeling pretty good this week then?"

Blair's smile faded and he shrugged. "Mostly."

"What aren't you feeling good about?"

Standing, Blair walked to the window, his heart suddenly heavy again. "You read about the mess over at the university, the girl who was killed and the football players who raped and murdered her?"

"Yes."

"I knew her. Jim and I worked the case. I think that was a turning point for me."

"Turning point? In what way?"

Crossing his arms, Blair leaned back against the wall. "Dying is so fucking unfair, you know? She had so much going for her and now she's gone. Poof. Nada. No coming back." He closed his eyes, he voice husky and choked. "When Jim told me about her being dead, I was all wound up about some petty school shit, something that doesn't mean dick in the whole scheme of things. It just all snapped together. I mean, you read about how important it is to make the most of the time you have, you hear people say it, but until you say it yourself, it's not real."

"And it's real to you now?"

Blair stood straighter, his arms still crossed, his face serious. "Yeah. Now it's real. I want to make the most of what time I have with Jim. He's shown me how good it can be and I never want to give that up."

"And the risks?"

"Fuck the risks. There's a risk in toasting bread. It's all about what you want out of life and I want Jim."

Logan jotted down a few notes, but kept his attention more on Blair than the paper. "Have you thought any more about telling people about your relationship and what problems that might cause?"

"Jim's already told Simon. He's fine with it."

"So you don't foresee any problems for the two of you in the future?"

"I didn't say that." Blair sighed heavily and returned to his chair, his right hand busy pushing back a strand of hair. "That part scares me. If anything happened to Jim on the job because of this, I'd never forgive myself."

"Is that likely to happen?"

"Who knows? You read about gay cops dying without backup, but you don't expect it to happen here. I've met a lot of wonderful people on the job, but I've also met a lot of badass bigots. Jim's a great guy, but he's not exactly the most popular man on the force, either. It worries me, that's all. I just don't know if the fear is justified or not."

"Have you spoken to Jim about this fear?"

"Not yet."

"You know you need to."

"I know." Blair bit his lower lip, his thumb rubbing back and forth over the edge of the armrest. "I think he's more worried about me, though."

"Why's that?"

"I don't know. Just a feeling. Jim's overprotective sometimes. He thinks I should quit teaching. He's not exactly happy with some of the shit going on at school. He's not used to the politics of university living."

"Do you want to quit teaching?"

"No, but I wouldn't mind a break from the bullshit."

"Then maybe you should take one."

"Not if I want to keep my fellowship. I don't teach, I don't get paid. No insurance. The consultant job with Jim doesn't pay anything. Of course, Jim's offered to keep me, but I turned him down."

Logan frowned and leaned forward. "Keep you?"

"Yeah, you know, pay the bills, be the man of the house, be the breadwinner?"

"And how did you feel about that?"

"I don't see it as something I'd be comfortable doing. I want to earn my own way. I don't mind that he won't let me pay rent, but I have to draw the line at being completely dependent."

"Why's that so important to you?"

Surprised at the question, Blair glanced up and met Logan's eyes briefly. It took him several long moments to form an uneasy answer. "It goes back to my mom."

When Blair hesitated, Logan prompted. "Tell me about your mom."

"It's a long story."

"I've got time."

Uneasy, Blair shifted in his seat. "I love my mom."

"Tell me about her."

"You have to understand something. She raised me all on her own. I never knew my father. That's the way she wanted it."

"Did that bother you, not knowing your father?"

Hesitating, Blair ran his fingers along the wooden edge of the chair, his chest tight. "Yeah. Sometimes. Mom was a great mom, but..."

"But what?"

"Sometimes she drove me crazy. I told you about how I was in therapy when I was a teenager, but it started before that."

"When did it start?"

"I was nine the first time." Painful memories swirled around him, the maul of the past sucking him back.

"Blair, why did you need therapy when you were nine?"

"I stopped talking. After about a week, my mom took me to this doctor."

"Did something happen to make you stop talking?"

"Roger left."

"Roger?"

"My mom's boyfriend. I liked him. I wanted him to be my dad, but he left. They always left."

"They?"

"My mom's boyfriends." The world blurred briefly and Blair wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. "It's stupid. That was so long ago, but it still pisses me off."

"Pisses you off or makes you sad?"

"Both." He chewed his lower lip and rubbed his right thumb against the inside of his left palm. "Mom's a beautiful woman. Men love her. There's nothing wrong with her living with these guys if they ask, right?"

"What do you think?"

"I think it's a waste of time to ask a shrink a direct question." Sitting back, Blair took a deep breath. "Anyway, that's probably why I don't want to be too dependent on Jim. I lived through it too many times with Naomi. After awhile the guy gets either resentful or demanding. If that didn't happen, my mom would get bored and we'd move on. I don't want to risk that with Jim. I want him to respect me."

"You don't think the men your mother lived with respected her?"

"Trick question."

"A valid question."

"Maybe, but not an easy one to answer. Some of them did."

"Did you?"

"Did I what?"

"Respect your mother."

"I love my mother."

"That's not what I asked."

Words clogged his throat and Blair wrapped his arms around his middle. "She did the best she could, man. She raised me and loved me. I respected her for doing what a lot of women wouldn't have done. It wasn't easy being a single mom." Pausing, he lowered his head and closed his eyes. "I respect her now, because I understand her, but no, when I was a kid, I didn't always respect her and, god, that makes me feel sick just saying it out loud."

"It's okay to have negative feelings about your mother, Blair. It doesn't mean you love her any less."

"I know that. Intellectually, I know that. Emotionally, it's still a ball buster."

Nodding, Logan lowered his voice, but kept the words calm and steady. "Is that why you still haven't told her about you and Jim? Are you afraid of what she might think?"

"I can pretty well guess what she's going to think."

"What's that?"

"That I've gone nuts."

"And after she gets over the initial shock?"

"That I've gone nuts, but she still loves me."

Logan smiled briefly. "And then what?"

"She'll call me Sweetie, tell Jim if he hurts me, she'll kick his ass, and then head off to find a spiritual retreat somewhere."

"She sounds intriguing."

"She is. She's my mom."

"What does Jim think about her?"

Blair chuckled dryly. "He thinks she's a flake, but he likes her. He puts up with a lot when she comes to visit and he never really complains. Plus, I know he gets a kick out of her letters."

"Her letters?"

"Yeah, I read him her letters. He laughs and makes fun, but I know he likes that we're close. Sometimes I think he's jealous, but not in a bad way."

"In what way?"

"Like he wishes he'd had a mom who cared."

"Does he talk about his mother?"

"Never without prompting and then only to answer the question, or not."

"What about his father?"

"No. Like I said, he's got some major issues there."

"So as far as family goes, you're not really worried about them finding out about the relationship?"

"Not really, not on my end anyway. I don't think Jim would be too keen on telling his brother, Steven, or his father. He'd get pissed and say it wasn't any of their business."

"Is that how you feel?"

"I guess. I don't even want to bring it up, because he'll just get upset. Besides, it's not really important. What's important is that Jim feels that he doesn't need his family's approval."

"So for now you plan to continue your relationship in secret?"

Blair shrugged. "Secrets seem to be what we do best."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Just that secrets hold us together. And I don't mind that."

Logan shook his head, confused. "Can you explain that?"

"It's about trust. Jim trusts me to keep his secrets. After what we've been through together, that's a huge deal between us."

Leaning in, his body tightened, Logan frowned. "I have to ask, Blair. Are these secrets you're talking about dangerous either to you or to Jim?"

Blair looked up and shook his head, understanding his doctor's concern. "Don't worry. It's nothing criminal or self-destructive. I can't tell you anything else, except that it's great that he trusts me to protect him like that."

Nodding, Logan relaxed slightly. "Trust is a huge issue with you."

"Yeah, it is. After all the times I've let him down and he's let me down, it's good to feel like we're finally healing."

"How do you think you've let Jim down?"

"I told you before about Alex. I think Jim's never really recovered from that. He thought I was trying to replace him."

"And were you?"

"No, not in the way he thought. He's my best friend, but he's also my research topic for my dissertation." Blair paused and stood up, the pressure building in his head again, the dread of what might happen when he published looming. He stepped to the window, closing his eyes and rubbing his temples with one hand. "It's complicated."

"In what way?"

"I'm a scientist. I'm supposed to observe, not get involved like this."

"So you feel like your project with Jim is invalid?"

"Scientifically, yeah. And to be honest, it probably has been almost from the beginning. I lost my objectivity a long time ago." Blair swallowed hard and took several deep breaths as he wrapped his arms around himself. "So, when I found Alex, I thought that would save us both. Huge mistake, man. Jim found out and it almost cost us our lives. Alex tried to kill me and almost got Jim, too. Fuck." The anger welled up, his eyes burning from memory.

"Do you think Jim still holds all that against you?"

"I don't know. I don't think so, not consciously anyway."

"And you? Do you hold what happened between him and Alex against him?"

"No. It wasn't his fault. He couldn't really help himself. I understand that."

"Explain that. Are you saying Jim's not responsible for his actions, but you are?"

"It's more complicated than that."

"You said that, but I'm not convinced. Why should Jim get off the hook, but you don't?"

Blair leaned back against the wall, his wry smile a thin line. "I can't really tell you that."

"Another secret?"

"Something like that, yeah. Besides, that's history. Right now we're both working to get past all that."

After a few moments of quiet, Logan shifted and wrote down a few notes, waiting for Blair to continue. When he didn't, he prompted, "Have you and Jim discussed how you're going to deal with the changes in your relationship?"

"We've talked about the sex."

"Anything else?"

"Not really. I mean, we've lived together for over three years already. It's not like we're newlyweds worried about what to expect when I leave the bathroom a mess or Jim gets wigged out about the leftovers."

"You feel settled then?"

"I didn't say that."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that some parts of our life together aren't going to be a surprise, but that other parts, the sex, the intimacy, well, that's new." Blair lowered his head, his voice soft. "I like that part. The intimacy. That's always been hard for me."

"Why is that?"

"Fear. You make yourself vulnerable on the most basic level. It gives someone power over you."

"And you've given that power to Jim?"

"Yes, and he's given it to me. It's pretty awesome."

"And scary?"

"God, yeah." Blair moved back to the chair, leaning forward, his elbows on his knees, hands out and moving while he spoke quietly. "I don't think I've ever been this scared in my life, or as energized. Being with Jim is like the ultimate high. When he touches me, it's a huge rush. Even when he's just talking, telling me he loves me, man, I can't tell you how incredible that makes me feel."

"Have your feelings for Jim always been this intense?"

Sitting up, his blue eyes meeting Logan, Blair smiled. "From the first day, man, and it's only gotten stronger. Nothing ever prepared me for this, nothing. He laughs and I'm happy, he snaps and I want to run my head through a wall. Intense doesn't half cover it."

"That must take a lot of energy."

"Yeah, but I've never been good at doing things halfway. Jim's good for me. He forces me to do my best, to be on my toes. I just love how he makes me feel."

"Almost like a drug."

Blair snorted a short laugh. "Addicted to Ellison. Yeah, that's me."

"Have you ever been obsessed with anyone before Jim?"

Head jerking up, Blair frowned. "Obsessed? You think I'm obsessed?"

"Do you?"

"No, I think I'm in love. There's a difference."

Logan leaned in, his hands together on the desk. "If I gave you a checklist for obsession, I think you'd qualify."

"If you gave that list to anyone in love, they'd qualify. It kind of defines the condition, man."

"Why are you upset by the suggestion?"

"Because obsession has a negative connotation that I don't like, like I can't control it."

"Can you?"

"Can I what, control my feelings for Jim? Can anybody control their love life?"

"I'm not talking about anyone. I'm talking about you."

"What are you saying exactly? Do you think my feelings for Jim are unhealthy?"

"I didn't say that. I just think that you should be aware that there is sometimes a thin line between the euphoria of new love and obsession. The difference is the degree."

"You're losing me."

"What happens if this relationship with Jim doesn't work out, if problems arise that make it hard to continue?"

"That's not going to happen." Blair pushed his hair out of his face. "It's working out great. I told you that."

"And if it doesn't?"

"I don't want to think about that."

"I think you need to. Your emotional investment is extreme and that's what concerns me."

Mouth suddenly dry, Blair reluctantly nodded. "I see what you're saying, I do. I just don't agree. I have faith that this is going to work." Hesitating, Blair stood up. "I think that's enough for one session."

"We still have some time left."

"I'm tired. Besides, I told Jim I'd meet him for lunch. He hates when I'm late."

"Would you do something before you go?"

"What?"

"Think about talking to Jim about your fears."

"I'll think about it."

"I'll see you next week then. Good luck."

Walking out of the office, Blair shouldered his pack, his heart heavy. Obsession, love, he couldn't see the difference.

• the end