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Blair turned, his eyes flashing with anger. "I believe in magic and shamanism, but I don't believe in dragons or faeries, except maybe for the tooth fairy. I believe that Area 51 exists, despite what the government tells us, and that we've been visited by races which didn't originate on Earth. I believe that man has actually stepped on the moon and that there wasn't any sound stage or conspiracy.
"I believe social security will still be around when I retire, but I believe I won't be allowed to retire until I'm seventy. I believe that while the internet is a fantastic discovery and we would be lost without it, it makes it easier for the government to keep track of us.
"I believe the rainforests are shrinking and that our oceans are dying. I believe that if we don't get a clue, we're going to run this planet into the ground. Despite my being a scientist, I believe that God really does exist and that she is so infinite that we can't possibly understand her. I believe that dinosaurs walked our planet and that man has been chosen by evolution to rule this domain.
"I believe the world isn't simply black or white, but myriad shades of gray. I believe that an evil person can do good and that a saint can do evil. I believe all guns should be banned. I believe in the legal system, but not the death penalty. I believe we should question everything and take nothing for granted.
"I believe a woman has control over her body, but that each child has a right to live. I believe that women are equal to men and while they shouldn't need an amendment for equality, it's necessary in order to effect substantial change. I believe the perfect nuclear family is a myth and a child can be raised in a healthy manner as long as he or she has love. I believe education can stop ignorance and that every child is entitled to be educated at the same level as every other child.
"I believe you've seen a ghost and communicated with the dead. I believe that if you put your mind to it, you could probably track my heartbeat across Cascade. I believe that your abilities are special and that you are special, but that it's not your abilities that make you special.
"I believe you love me as more than a friend, more than a brother, but don't know what to do with that feeling. I believe our souls merged when you brought me back from the dead and that scares the shit out of you. I believe you're frightened most of the time and that you hide behind an air of indifference and hostility in order to protect your heart. I believe if you would only trust me that we could be invincible and that I could truly rock your world.
"I believe that no one, including you, thought I'd be able to survive the hazing of the academy. I believe everyone is still waiting for me to fail. I believe that while the study of man inspired me, it was only because I was looking for one man and you are the man I was looking for all this time. I believe that while academia was a huge part of my life that I've finally figured out what I want to do with my remaining years.
"I believe that I've finally grown tired of all your crap and on Monday I'll either ask for a new partner or reassignment. I believe that after all the help I've given you over the years that you can just hang on to my stuff until tomorrow when I'll come back to pack it up. I believe that you, James Ellison, are the most repressed son of a bitch on the face of the planet. And until you know what it is you believe, we have nothing more to talk about."
With that, the front door slammed shut, leaving Jim standing in the middle of the living room, blinking in stunned silence as the sound reverberated throughout the loft.
Jim sighed once, heavily, and rubbed his eyebrows with his right hand, not quite sure what to do with himself.
How had things gone to hell in a hand-basket so quickly?
The day had been fairly routine - a good day, in fact. He and Sandburg had spent most of the day following up leads in the Yarsulik murder investigation, and had only stopped by the station to give Simon an update before heading home for the weekend. Blair had taken the opportunity to return several old cases back to the file room, which is where Jim had found him - flirting with Susan, the head clerk.
He could admit, now that Sandburg was gone, that finding the pretty brunette laughing over his partner's latest witticism had set his teeth on edge. He had been short with Sandburg on the drive home, making several snide remarks about his love life, and rebuffing all attempts at civil conversation until Blair stopped talking to him altogether.
When they entered the loft, Blair made one last attempt as he headed toward the kitchen. "How do enchiladas sound? I believe that once we get some food in your stomach, you'll feel as good as new."
For some reason, the suggestion sounded more like an attempt to placate the grumpy bear than a genuine offer and he had exploded in anger. "You believe? Shit, Sandburg, any other beliefs you care to share with me?"
And that had been that.
Jim moved woodenly to the kitchen table and dropped gracelessly into the closest chair as he thought back over Blair's tirade.
He blinked again as the remembered words washed over him.
Blair Sandburg loved him and knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Jim loved him as well but was too afraid to act on his feelings. The burden that had pinned him to the ground of reality, refusing to let him float in the clouds of possibilities, miraculously lifted.
Jim swallowed hard. He also realized that while Blair had been patiently waiting for Jim to catch the clue bus, he had finally reached the end of his rope and was now moving on without him.
Jim pushed himself to his feet. "Over my dead body."
If Sandburg believed that Jim could track him across Cascade, then by God, he could.
Taking the keys out of the wicker basket, Jim locked the door behind him and jogged down the stairs and out onto the darkened sidewalk illuminated only by weak, flickering overhead halogens.
He took a deep breath and released all his pent up frustration as he exhaled. He needed to be on top of his game if he was going to get any sort of fix on his partner.
While Jim didn't doubt he could probably track Sandburg by his heartbeat alone, he was grateful for the fact that his partner had a tendency to talk to himself when he needed to work things out in his head.
Stupid, blind, son of a bitch.
Of course, having a heightened sense of hearing wasn't always everything it was cracked up to be.
I'm letting this go. I'm letting this go. The hell I am...
Jim smiled, despite his situation, and headed toward the water.
Sandburg was by the bay, no doubt walking off his anger. Blair didn't like to drive when he was angry. The upside to that particular resolution was that he didn't put anyone else in harm's way. The downside was that once he calmed down he usually came back for round two, which was normally about a half hour before Jim had a chance to find his own serenity.
You've really done it this time, Sandburg. You know, as well as the rest of humanity, that Jim's as straight as the day is long.
Oh, shut the fuck up. So are you. Doesn't prove anything.
Jim stumbled to a stop. "Well, that certainly puts an interesting wrinkle in things."
Doesn't matter. Now that you've opened your big yap, you're going to have to find yourself a new partner and a new home. Hell, maybe it's time to move on. After all, you have two years of police experience under your belt, not to mention four years as a ride along. It's not that you're unemployable. Of course, you have the whole dissertation thing working against you. Who wants to hire a fraud? Shit, maybe I should become a private investigator, put that anthropology degree to some use after all.
Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, Jim started forward again, searching for, and finding, the lone figure sitting forlornly on an old park bench.
Jim took a deep breath, released it slowly and walked toward his partner.
"You're such a fuck-up, Sandburg."
"I'd really rather you didn't speak ill of my best friend." Jim sat on the bench beside his roommate.
"Well, your best friend is an idiot."
Jim frowned. "Actually, he's one of the smartest men I know."
Blair huffed in silent amusement, but refused to look at Jim as he rustled in his pocket then handed Jim his key to the loft.
Jim refused to take it. "I don't want it."
Shy, dark blue eyes peeked at him from behind a lock of curls.
They sat in silence, neither one of them speaking for several minutes.
Jim could feel Blair working himself into an apology that was guaranteed to have Sandburg leaving the loft. Before his partner could speak, Jim decided it was time to jump in with both feet. "Know what I believe, Chief?"
Eyes widened in surprise over the use of the familiar nickname. "No. What do you believe, Jim?"
"I believe you hit the nail on the head when you said that I love you more than a friend and more than a brother. You were also right when you said I didn't know what to do with those feelings. I do hide from the world and from you because I have no idea how to cope or proceed."
"I know," came the whispered reply.
"I also believe that if you give me another chance and some time to adjust that I'd probably be willing to let you try and rock my world." Jim smirked mischievously at his partner.
"Oh?"
"I believe so."
Blair nodded. "I can do patient."
"That has yet to be seen."
Blair chuckled and Jim felt the icy fist of fear surrounding his heart begin to melt.
"What if..." Blair started, then stopped.
"I can't?"
Blair swallowed hard and Jim realized he hadn't quite gotten it correct. "What if we can't?" he ventured.
Blair nodded.
"I believe if we take it slowly, there aren’t any problems we can't overcome."
"Okay," Blair whispered.
Jim slowly reached out, giving Blair plenty of time to move away. When his partner didn't, Jim gently pulled him close and brushed his lips against Blair's. Their lips trembled against each others, yet Jim couldn't recall anything ever tasting so sweet. He kept the kiss tender, exploring, but not deepening the kiss.
A warmth passed through him as they parted and he watched Blair lick his lips.
"You said something about doing enchiladas?"
Blair smiled and nodded, then stood and reached out his hand, pulling Jim to his feet. "Yeah, I can do enchiladas."
They walked back toward the loft, their shoulders touching, both lost in their own thoughts.
"So, Chief, the tooth fairy?"
~* End *~