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As always only the plot and writing is mine, not the characters.

Full Circle

Blair Sandburg was exhausted.

Sex every night with Jim for the past week and a half was bound to leave anyone exhausted, but when Blair had sex with Jim, it was explosive and wonderful and at the end he was drained literally and metaphorically.

He and Jim had just finished what Jim with his sentinel abilities had turned a three minute fuck into a two hour production. Blair Smiled. /Nothing like having sentinel abilities in order to prolong release./ Jim's abilities gave him an advantage in bed. He could tell when Blair was right on the edge. Then Jim would stop and wait until the moment had passed, then do it again.

Blair's smile faded as Jim left the bed to go take a shower. It was always the same, they would have sex and Jim would fuck him and sometimes he would fuck Jim, then after release Jim would take a shower and Blair would go to sleep. He felt like a whore.

Blair immediately suppressed the wave of self-pity and loathing that threatened to consume him. Even in his mind Blair refused to call what he and Jim did, making love. It was a fuck and he knew it. Jim never said "I Love You" to Blair even when Blair said it to Jim. Blair knew that Jim didn't love him. Yeah he shared Jim's bed and Jim's life but he didn't share Jim's heart, or his soul.

Unfortunately, while Jim didn't love Blair, Blair DID love Jim. Blair felt the kind of all consuming passion, raw lust, and depth of love that cheesy romance novels only dreamed of. He would die to save Jim, be condemned to eternity in the most horrible place being tortured with an all consuming agony in order for Jim to be happy. Blair didn't delude himself that Jim might love him. If Jim loved him, he wouldn't leave to scrub himself clean of Blair immediately after sex. If Jim loved him, he would stay and hold Blair even if he was in the wet spot. If Jim loved him, he would show it in some way.

Blair was able to sum up their relationship in three sentences. Blair served Jim as a Guide. Jim used Blair for physical gratification. And Blair was Jim's whore. It was essentially their relationship.

/If Naomi could see me now.../

Despite the fact that Blair prostituted himself to Jim for affection, of which he received very little, Blair would never say anything about how he felt nor would he leave Jim. Because the only thing worse than the life he was living now would be life without Jim. And that was the one thing that scared Blair more than living out his life as it was now until he died.

Blair rolled over and tried to sleep. He shuddered from a cold that had nothing to do with the air temperature. He prayed that Jim wouldn't smell the salt from his tears on the sheets.

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Christmas morning rolled around and Blair rolled out of bed. Sitting on the edge of the bed he groggily wiped the sleep out of the corner of his eyes and attempted to wake himself up. When his mind finally connected to his memories he surpressed his normal shudder.

Jim wasn't even in bed with him this morning. Lately the detective had been coming home early and then fucking for hours on end until finally Blair would pass out exhausted on their bed. Jim was never there when he woke up in the morning. Blair was so used to the hurt that this caused he didn't even register the emotion anymore.

Blair could smell... What was that? Cinnamon? Yep. Definitely cinnamon. Blair stood up and threw on a pair of exercise pants. Grabbing one of Jim's big t-shirts Blair yawned and headed for the stairs. He was curious as to why it smelled like Jim was cooking. Jim had specifically said that they weren't going to do anything for Christmas.

Walking down the stairs, in what was actually more of a controlled fall; Blair arrived at the bottom to see Jim in an apron baking what appeared to be snickerdoodles. Snickerdoodels? How had Jim found out his favorite Christmas cookie? Naomi was unreachable, off in Tibet someplace. And Jim didn't know any of Blair's old friends who would know. So that begged the question, how exactly did Jim find out? Unless, it was just some strange coincidence because there was just no other possible explanation.

Blair knew that Jim knew that he was downstairs. The sentinel had known when Blair had woken up and quite probably had tracked him with his senses to Blair's current position. Blair walked over to the counter where he could see the tray of cookies cooling. Blair thought he saw something on the cookie pan, but he was too far away to see it clearly. Jim intercepted him on his way to check it out.

Jim gently guided Blair to the table where only one place was set. Blair was at a loss as to why Jim wasn't joining him for breakfast, or whatever it was he was making. After being seated Blair noticed a small business sized envelope that had his name written on it in Jim's neat precise handwriting.

He couldn't breathe. He had no idea what that envelope contained but he was positive that it would indescribably change his future and he didn't know if it was for better, or worse.

Jim was standing just to the left and behind of Blair and Blair could feel the tension radiating off of his sentinel. He gulped and took a leap into an abyss from which he was sure he'd never be able to climb from. Opening the envelope he found that it contained two things, a letter and another smaller envelope with something hard inside.

Unfolding the letter Blair began to read:

Dearest Blair,

I'm sorry. There is no way for me to sum up my sorrow for my actions. You have always said what a repressed bastard I am, and guess what? It's true. When I first fell in love with you I was safe because I was sure that there was no way you would ever want me the way that I wanted you. I was safe inside my shell being able to show you tiny amounts of affection and living in denial that affection was all they were. When we finally got it together and expressed how we felt for each other, you told me that you loved me. I got so scared because everyone who loves me leaves me Blair, and I would die without you. I know this in my deepest hidden recesses Blair, without you I WILL die. A sentinel without his guide is nothing more than some genetic super freak. Jim Ellison without Blair Sandburg is just a discharged aging military man who got scared of love and will remain alone for the rest of his life. Without you Blair, I am nothing. Because I was scared of losing you, you who were the absolute best thing to ever happen to me, I messed us up. I have never told you how much I love you. There are no words in the world to describe the joy that seeing you laugh brings to my heart. No words to explain these feelings inside. No words to show you how much I loathe myself for what I have done to you. I can't believe that I was so unable to tell you I loved you that the sparkle in your eyes has disappeared and your love for me became the chains that bound you to me. I am so unequivocally sorry for the pain I've put you through. If you can still stand the sight of me and all my problems then I promise you Blair Sandburg, that from this day forward I will never stop telling you how much I love, value, and cherish you. I don't deserve the extraordinary person that you are but if you can see fit to let me try to spend each day deserving you then open the other envelope.

Love, with all my heart,
Jim

Blair's face was covered in silent tears that had somehow managed to sneak past him while he was reading Jim's letter. Blair would have willingly spent the rest of his days being used by Jim so he most certainly could spend the rest of them being loved by Jim.

He opened the second envelope and inside was a ring. It was made of silver and turquoise with a wolf and a panther intertwined. Blair was unable to tell where one began and the other ended. Blair looked on the inside of the ring and saw an engraving.

On Christmas Day
Blair Jacob Sandburg and Jim Ellison
Forever and Eternity

Blair slipped it on his finger and tried to stop the tears of happiness, Joy, and Ecstasy that coursed through him like a rampaging flooded river. He jumped up and into Jim's arms and he saw that Jim's face as well was lined by tear tracks and Blair knew that the healing had begun.

And then the words he had waited a life time for were issued from the mouth of the man he loved.

"Blair Jacob Sandburg, I love you more than is humanely possible"

And with that Jim led Blair over to the stove where a huge cookie was cooling. It was the shape of a heart with an arrow through it. And inside taken out by a cookie cutter were the letters JE + BS.

End Full Circle by Ambiguous719: [email protected]

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