by T'Reija
---
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek, including Paris and Kim, and if they
wanna sue me, nothing to fetch here, sorry. This time the song is by HIM (His
Infernal Majesty).
Note: This one differs a little in style from the others, as the song is
directly included. Hope this doesn't make it less fun to read. Most
certainly not the last in this series.
Dedication: To anne in chicago. Way back when I posted "The Frog
King" and "Lies" in April 99, she told me to "Have
them all commit suicide, have them smooch and make up, but, please, tie up
the ends. . ."
---
He's gone. I knew he'd leave, but it's a shock nevertheless.
Now, I'm alone again. . . so alone. Why couldn't he stay? Why
couldn't he be with me? All this time since we broke up, I thought it was
simply that he didn't love me. I could have understood that. Not, that
going on with my life would be any easier, but I'd at least have an
explanation. Would at least know why.
It's weird, really. Ironic. When we were still a couple, we took
everything for granted. What we had. What was still to come. It had
started so sudden. Maybe too sudden. Maybe we should have taken it slower.
. . but at the time, it seemed so natural, so good, so right. . .
we lost ourselves in fits of passion, and lust, and different kinds of
love. The love friends share. And, at least for a while, the love between
two people destined for each other.
Then, as time went by, I noticed Tom getting more and more distracted.
Wanted to get closer, and found myself confronted by a line I could not
cross. At first, I thought it was someone else, another person.
B'Elanna maybe. Or even Chakotay. There had always been strong
feelings between them, though they were mostly negative. And when I felt
that Tom shut me out, my own insecurities came. I thought of home. Of my
family. How would they react to my relationship with Tom? And Libby. It
wasn't really her I missed, I must confess. It was more like she was
some kind of constant in my life. Someone I could rely on. Someone
who's feelings I never had to doubt, unlike Tom's. So, I pulled
back, too. Told him I loved him, but wasn't so sure about that
anymore. Holding him, but thinking of other places, and other people.
It was so foolish. I can see that, now. Maybe, I could have saved our
relationship then. Maybe, it wouldn't have had to come to this.
I shudder, and suddenly find myself down on the floor, crying for the
second time today. Why, oh why are you doing this to me, Tom, why
can't you just leave me alone, why do you have to haunt me like
a ghost? Why can't you let me go on with my life and go one with
yours? Why?
The small bottle in my pocket feels cold as my hand touches it. I've
kept it in my bathroom for years, for three fucking years. I've been
tempted, at times, but I never went through with it. Never. But suddenly,
it's the only thing that makes sense. The only way out I can see. . .
The pills work fast. I'm already feeling light-headed. Not long to
go, huh?
My eye catches the instrument in one corner of the room, half-hidden
behind a curtain. I've kept it, though I haven't played in quite a
while. Stuck to my clarinet. Tom showed me how to play the guitar. Said it
was the only instrument he could play at all, that he'd taught himself
to play, in the academy. With a little help from his roommate (who, by
chance, was also his first real lover). And he passed it on to me. His
lover. Back then.
The instrument feels awkward at first. It's been three years. But
after playing a few chords, a song I once heard pops into my mind. It
seems hard to grasp a thought now, but the words just flow from my lips as
I start to sing. . .
I'm in love with you. . .
And it's crushing my heart. . .
All I want is you. . .
To take me into your arms. . .
When love and death embrace. . .
Oh, Tom. . . I don't really want to do this. . . don't want to leave
you back here. . . but there is just no way we can be together. . .
I love you. . .
And you're crushing my heart. . .
I need you. . .
Please take me into your arms. . .
When love and death embrace. . .
I just can't, can't go after you, can't beg you in person to
come back. . . please, come back. . .
When love and death embrace. . .
When love and death embrace (Oh-ho, oh-ho)
When love and death embrace (Oh-ho, oh-ho)
When love and death embrace (Oh-ho)
When love and death embrace. . .
Tom. . .
Oh, when love and death,
When love and death,
When love and death embrace. . .
. . . please. . .
Oh, when love and death embrace (Oh-ho)
Oh, when love and death embrace. . .
. . . come. . .
Oh, when love and death embrace. . .
Oh, when love and death embrace. . .
. . . back. . .
---
End
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