by Jheen
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Archive: Sure, just email me and let me know where!
Disclaimer: It is my deepest regret that they don't belong to me,
instead they belong to Paramount. They don't treat them right though,
so I have to show them how. However, I don't make any money off it.
Author's Notes: Thanks to Anita and Stacy for their help and the
PKElite list for encouraging me. All you guys are wonderful!
Also, this is my very first fan fiction, so please be plenty cruel. I
want to know what I need to do so I can get better at this.
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I didn't like lying to B'Elanna today when I promised to never leave
her. It was a relatively safe lie, all things considered. I know I would leave her
in a heartbeat if he would only give me a chance. However, he seems
content with what we have now, so I can't say anything.
It used to hurt me, the secrecy or how he only came to me when he needed
reassurance. How he never let me say anything. The times he threw
B'Elanna and I together, encouraging her to stay with me no matter
what I did to drive her away. He just never seemed to understand that it
wasn't her I really wanted.
I remember when it all started; it's really my fault. I shouldn't
have kissed him. He was sitting there crying all over my shoulder about
how he almost lost me and that he only got back because of me. I just
meant it as a way to shut him up, mainly. The last thing I expected was
for him to return the kiss or for it to end up in bed. But we did.
I figured I would just chalk it up to a one-night stand. I mean why would
someone with that bright of a future want to mess it up with me? I didn't
talk to him about it the next day. I didn't want to embarrass him
anymore than he already was. Maybe that was a mistake. I wish I knew.
Except he showed up on my doorstep a few weeks later. Without saying a
word, he came in and looked at me. It was a gaze filled with doubt, fear,
and pleading. I remember opening my mouth to say something, but he put his
hand over it to stop my words. He then wrapped his arms around my neck and
kissed me, the sweetest, gentlest kiss I've ever had. I would have
done anything for him right then, if only to have him continue to kiss me.
It became a pattern, he would just randomly come to my quarters every
couple of weeks and we would end up sleeping together. Nothing was ever
said; it was how he wanted. Sometimes he would cry and I would hold him,
soothing him with my kisses and my touch. I never knew what else to do.
I only started chasing B'Elanna because of the looks Harry and I were
starting to get. I always knew what the crew was thinking a lot better
than the rest of the senior officers; the Delaney sisters did have some
uses beyond the obvious. So I thought to take the heat off of him, by
going after the one female beside the captain I was sure not to get.
Except I did get her.
Looking back, our on then off again relationship was great. She had a
wonderful sense of humor, she knew how to enjoy life, and she was pretty
low maintenance. Give her a warp coil to love and she's happy. If it
weren't for him, I probably would have fallen deeply in love with her.
I was spoiled for anyone else.
Instead, I tried to come up with ways to make her stop loving me since I
couldn't ever love her in return. She hated being part Klingon, so I
encouraged that side. I ignored her, took her for granted, tried to be the
pig she used to call me. Except I had an entire ship against my efforts.
They would tell her about how I was bad with relationships, how they could
see that I loved her. That if she would just give me time, I'll get
better.
He still came to me at night, even as he worked to keep B'Elanna and
I together during the day. I was surprised and confused, at first. I
didn't want to question the though. It was enough that he still
visited me. As the years went by and it kept happening, I grew angry and
hurt. Was I only good to have sex with? Everything I had, all that was me,
I gave him.
I even married B'Elanna for him, just not quite the reason he would
think. There she was finally talking about us breaking up. I should have
just run with it, agreed that we weren't good together. Except all I
could think about was how he kept pushing me towards her. If this was what
he wanted for me, then so be it. I was hoping, even knowing it was a lost
cause, that maybe the thought of losing me permanently would make him
take a stand. It didn't happen, and instead I married the girl who loved
me because the guy I love wanted me to.
For a while there, I thought the marriage would end things. He
couldn't just show up at my quarters when I was permanently sharing
them with her. A few weeks afterwards however, I saw that pinched look on
his face that used to tell me when he would be showing up. I didn't do
anything for a few days, wanting to make him suffer for all the pain
I've been through over the past couple years.
In the long run, I couldn't keep doing that. Even with all my pain, I
didn't want to see him hurt. So, one night I told B'Elanna that I
needed to talk to Harry for a while and not to wait up for me. I then
walked down to his room and rang the chime. When he answered and saw
who was standing there, he had the same look that he had when he came
to my room all those years ago. I knew that as wrong as it was for me to be
there, it was so very right.
I go to him now, even when B'Elanna is away on a mission. I've
learned to read his body language so I won't show up when I'm not
wanted. I have about as much of a clue as to why this is happening as I
did at the beginning, but I love him too much to ask him. I don't want
to lose him; the stolen hours in his arms are all that's keeping me
sane sometimes.
I'm scared that the day will come that he won't need me anymore.
I don't know what I'll do. Maybe by that point I'll have a
miracle cure for a permanently broken heart. Or at least a way to live my
life without him without breaking down. Until then, I'll just have to
be happy with what I have and pray that he'll never stop wanting me.
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End
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