Aide-memoire
by Smaragd
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Warnings and disclaimers: This is a work of fiction, intended for humans who are over the age of 18 and who appreciate the finer points of male/male sexual interactions. If this doesn't describe you, please go elsewhere. . . now. And all apologies to Paramount, because it is.

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Harry finally pulled the rented ATV up to the house. He'd only made three wrong turns on the way up here, and considering the terrain and the directions he'd been given, he was relatively pleased.

He grabbed the bottle of Denebian brandy he'd brought and headed to what looked like the front door, under a large awning that he finally realized was a deck winding all the way around the second floor. The structure seemed to be cobbled together from parts of several houses, and was considerably larger than he'd first thought. It rambled a bit, but it seemed to fit right into the blue-green hillside, as though it had always been there. He would have to tell Tom he liked it.

The door opened as he approached, and a thin-faced man, very blond and very young, stood in the entranceway, blinking at him.

"I thought I'd heard someone drive up," he said, smiling. "Welcome. You must be Harry. I'm Sean."

Harry stepped into the passage, holding the bottle awkwardly. Sean took it from him, casually setting it on the table next to him. He hesitated only a second before enveloping Harry in a warm hug. "I feel like I know you, already. Tom has told me so much about you."

"He has, huh?" Harry couldn't help smiling as he returned the embrace. "You'll have to tell me what he said. I wouldn't want to contradict any of it."

"Oh, no. I want to hear--" He stopped short as a large. . . well, it smelled like a dog, but it looked as big as a horse to Harry. It pushed past the two of them heading for the open front door.

"I guess it's time to let the girls go outside," Sean laughed, as another loping animal, even bigger than the first, jostled them as she followed her companion out the door.

"What was that?" Harry was laughing, too.

"We call them the 'security team'. The first one was Kimber, she's a Mastiff, from Earth. . . and the baby is Flicka. She's a native breed, but they seem to get along fine."

Harry must have looked doubtful, because Sean laid a hand on his arm, "Don't worry, they're very gentle. Jody is constantly poking them and pulling their ears and they never do a thing."

"I'm sure," he responded, with more conviction than he felt. They trooped up the stairs, into a double-height space, with two walls of windows overlooking the valley. It was obviously a well-lived-in room, warm and comfortable, and cozy even though it was probably 15 meters across.

"Tom! Harry's here!" He looked around, calling, "Where are you?"

They both looked up as Tom appeared leaning over the second floor railing, wiping his hands on a towel. "Hey, Harry. I'll be down in a minute. Jody is a real mess." And he ducked back into the room he'd come from.

Sean turned to Harry, whispering loudly, "I think we ought to leave them to it." Without waiting for an answer, he walked into the kitchen. "And I think it's just about beer o'clock. Want one?"

Harry took the drink from Sean and followed him outside onto the deck. He answered Sean's questions about his trip as they leaned against the railing. Harry was struck by the stillness, and the beauty of this alien forest. It seemed quadrants away from his urban life in San Francisco. "It's fabulous out here."

"We like it." Sean turned to Harry. "I grew up about 40 kilometers from here."

"So you're used to the. . . area." He'd almost said 'isolation'.

"I can't imagine living anywhere else. And Tom says he can't either, now."

Harry remembered Tom telling him about it when he'd first come here, how much space he had, how gorgeous it was. Harry had heard the unspoken, 'how safe he felt' then, and he could almost sense what he meant, now that he was here.

"When was the last time you saw each other?" Sean's question was casual, but it was more than that to Harry. He wondered how much Tom had told Sean about their friendship.

"It's been three years, I think. He and I were both at a meeting in San Francisco." Harry continued thoughtfully, running a hand across the back of his neck. "It doesn't seem like that long. You just get busy and time slips by."

"Well, I know seeing you means a lot to him. He doesn't say much, but he really misses you. . . all of you, and Voyager."

"I miss him, too." Harry was impressed by how much concern, how much love he heard in Sean's voice. But Tom inspired that in people, with that odd combination of vulnerability and strength, he'd forgotten how powerful it was. "I know we don't see each other now, but I still think of him as my best friend." I really do, he thought. "I know if I ever needed him, he'd be there."

"He says the same thing about you, you know," Sean said, softly.

"Oh." Harry was a little surprised. He hadn't ever been able to figure out how Tom's felt about all of this. It was nice to hear he was missed, though.

Sean cocked his head as they heard a series of coded beeps from inside the house. "I'll be right back. Have a seat."

"Take your time. I'm fine." He wandered over to the farthest overhang of the deck and sat down in one of the wide-backed benches. He looked out at the suns setting over the misty valley, and thought about Tom and the twisted path their relationship had taken. How they'd never actually managed to be a couple or even say the words, but that Tom was probably the most constant force in his life. He used to think he had regrets, but now. . . now he was thankful for what they had. They were both happy, both here. It could be a lot worse. Who knew where they'd be if it had gone another way?

And it could have. . . more than once, he mused. When had it first come up. . . ?

Of course, it had been on Voyager, right after they set out. With his field commission and new lease on life, Tom had been flirting with everybody. . . it had taken Harry awhile to figure out Tom was serious about it with him. But he hadn't been ready for it then, for too many reasons. There was Libby, and the rules against fraternization, of course, but he knew the biggest part of it was fear it would ruin their friendship. He didn't think he could have survived if they had tried and failed then. And Tom had smiled and understood, and been his best friend.

And when they'd returned, and they were all trying to figure out what they were doing and where they were going. . . then he'd been ready, but Tom. . . well, Tom had said it was too confusing then, there were too many things going on with his family, and Star Fleet, and the war, and it was just better if Harry would take that promotion and the commission that went with it. And he'd understood, he really had, but it had been hard to smile, at first.

And they'd stayed in touch since then, a note here and there, hearing about each other through friends, a visit every couple of years. Tom and Sean had paired up three or four years ago; he and Eva, not long after that. Life had gone on.

He turned as Tom walked out, his son in his arms. Harry smiled at the domestic picture they presented, and called softly, "Hey."

"Hey," Tom replied as he saw Harry leaning around the big chair, and joined him there. As soon as Tom sat down, Jody started squirming in his lap. Tom set him down, saying, "Jody, this is Harry. Can you say 'welcome'?"

But Jody was having none of it. Tom let him go, warning him to slow down, and they watched him toddle off. Tom shrugged, "Kids."

"You look like a parent, Tom," Harry grinned. "If I didn't know better, I'd think you were an adult."

"Gee, thanks," Tom grinned back. But Harry had meant it. Tom had changed a lot since the old days on Voyager.

"So, tell me everything, Harry. How have you been?"

"I'm good, Tom, really good. What about you?"

Instead of answering, Tom leaned over and touched at the chunk of metal hanging on the thong around Harry's neck. "You still have that?"

Harry picked up the talisman and moved it back and forth, "Yeah, I wear it a lot." He centered it over his sternum, a practiced gesture. "You still have yours?"

"It's hanging on the wall upstairs." Tom paused, continuing slowly, "It's one of the only things I have from the old days."

Harry remembered the weird little bazaar they'd bought these in, a celebration of surviving some narrow escape the previous week. "That which does not kill us. . ."

"Makes us stronger." Tom finished, smiling. "Yeah, I remember." And they shared a look of human kinship, of a bond that went beyond friendship, beyond time and space and quadrants. As Tom looked away, toward the horizon, Harry thought the moment was over far too soon.

After a time, he spoke again. "It's really good to see you," Harry nodded toward the house. "Sean seems really nice." Gee, that sounded lame. But that's the impression he had. Nice, not a lot of depth, adored Tom. Just what Tom wanted, apparently.

"He's been really good for me. Keeps me sane out here."

"Um, how old is he?"

Tom laughed out loud at this question, "He's young, isn't he? Only 26. . . such a baby, huh?" And Harry could only think, that's how old I was when. . .

Tom was going on, "But he takes care of me. And you know, he wanted to have the kids, and the younger the better for that." Harry just nodded. He and Eva had considered their options, and children were not in the top ten on either of their lists. He hadn't known it would be important to Tom, but the light in his eyes as he watched Jody play said it all.

So Harry told Tom about Eva and the house they were renovating, and how he liked what he was doing on the new project in his office. And Tom took Harry on a tour of the place, spending most of it in Tom's CAVE, which had an impressive array of custom equipment. The VR rendering was impressive. Harry realized this was where Tom had invested a good chunk of the money he'd received when he got home, from his father's estate.

As they wandered back upstairs, and all through dinner, Harry thought about how much Tom had changed with his surroundings, and with the people around him. When they'd been on Voyager, he would never have pictured Tom like this, but here they were. Harry suspected much of the comfortable home they shared was Sean's doing, though Tom's presence was unmistakable.

And then he thought about how he'd changed since he met Eva. He did things with her that he had never been interested in before, and he now enjoyed them thoroughly. Like architecture lectures. And camping. Things he'd always been interested in, but never would have pursued without her. Nor would he have undertaken the projects they had on the house, but they both loved the urban neighborhood they lived in. And he was happy spending most of his time in port, though he did have a week or two here and there out inspecting new systems. Neither of them minded the time apart as Eva was busy with her work, too, and happily independent anyway, not like Sean at all.


They returned to the living room after dinner, where Tom lit a fire and opened the bottle Harry had brought. He told them about picking it up on DS9 on his way here, where Neelix was balancing trade and diplomacy with his usual aplomb. Sean made the mistake of asking who Neelix was, and was punished with story after story of his culinary exploits on Voyager.

"But the Talaxians that visited here liked Alpha Quadrant food," Sean interjected, and that just set them both laughing harder.

Harry recovered first, "Talaxians here, Sean? I thought Neelix was the only one in the quadrant."

Tom answered for him, "He is, actually. But they're on the Warp 10 team. I was going there so often, I made them come here once last year, one of the privileges of being in charge, I guess. I thought they needed to experience the transfer. I don't know if you knew, but one of the conduits through the liquid universe runs through the lab downstairs."

"No, I didn't know that. . . " Harry hadn't realized how influential Tom was. Between the family name, his Voyager experience, and his technical talent, it was no wonder he was leading the large interdisciplinary team, and that he hosted a subspace conduit through the parallel universe that served as the shortcut between the populated sectors of the two quadrants. It was amazing.

"You know, Harry, we could use a good Ops guy on the team. If you ever want to get back to the lab, call me." Tom looked him right in the eye. "We'd find a spot for you."

Sean smiled, "It'd be great if you could move out here." He glanced at his lover, "Tom does too much traveling, really, and I'm trying to get more of the team to live here, on Lambda 3."

And Harry just said, "Thanks, Tom. You're doing some impressive work. I'll definitely keep it in mind." But he knew the chance of it happening was almost zero. He was too invested in his life now, with his work now.

And they talked about all their friends from the old days, the adventures they'd had on Voyager, the fun times, and even a few of the bad times. As they sipped their brandies, Harry realized he'd shared more of his life with Tom than he would ever share with Eva. He grown up during the time he'd spent with Tom on Voyager, and he'd never grow and change that much again. The bond between them was part of him, inseparable from the person he'd become.

And just for a moment, Harry wondered if they could have worked it out. . . and how they would have changed if they'd been together, if they'd never met Eva, or Sean. And then he knew he'd had too much to drink, and it was time to get up and get a glass of water.

Harry stood in the kitchen, thinking, as he did every so often, about how it might have felt to be with Tom, to do those things he'd wanted for so long, to taste his body, to see his face as he lost himself in pleasure. But all he really wanted, he finally admitted to himself, was the look Tom had given him tonight, the one full of happiness, the look that said he knew Harry with all his flaws, and he still loved him. And it was enough.

He slowly returned to the great room and relaxed into the comfortable chair. Sean was asleep with his head on Tom's lap. The two old friends studied the flames for a few moments before Tom's soft voice rippled through the silence.

"Thanks for coming, Harry."

And the reply seemed to echo in the big room, "Thanks for having me, Tom."

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The next morning was filled with movement and logistics and messages for friends on both sides. But just before he got into his vehicle for the drive back to the spaceport, Harry finally gave in to the need to touch Tom, and he gathered him into his arms, holding him, trying to tell him how much their relationship meant to him, but aware his friend already knew. And aware Tom knew how much Harry loved him, too.

He finally pulled back and looked at Tom, and they shared a sad, sweet smile, knowing it would be awhile before they saw each other again. But that they would, definitely. He briefly touched the alien medallion Tom had decided to wear this morning, a twin to his own, before he turned to leave. The white star in the sky was shining so brightly this morning, it brought a tear to Harry's eye as he drove off into the sunshine.

And life was good.

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End